A/N: Kind of important note. Mirrorbright is an Alderaanian lullaby which makes an appearance in the Star Wars novel Bloodline and I think is mentioned in the Ahsoka novel. It doesn't have a melody, so after some research and bugging my friends, you have two options because I love both of these choices and each fits in their own way. You can listen or hum the tune to the lullaby using All Is Found from Frozen II or Once Upon A December from Anastasia.
Also because I'm kind of meticulous, at the bottom of the chapter are the full lyrics and guide on how Mirrorbright fits to either All Is Found or Once Upon A December. The parenthesis parts in Mirrorbright are the lines I added and are not part of the original song, but are used in the chapter.
And as always, thank you everyone for the support on this story! It means a lot to me. Now on with the show, this chapter takes place in the past just after Ahsoka left the Order.
Summary: The explosion of the Sith Temple places Darth Vader and Ahsoka in a situation neither of them imagined possible. Now in an unfamiliar place that is eerily similar to Mortis, Darth Vader and Ahsoka must face the echoes of their past and work together to find their way back home.
Chapter Six: Downside of Growing Up 1/?
Ahsoka counted every single step she took as she made her way down the stairs of the Jedi Temple, it had been the only distraction she had from the swirl of emotions in her chest. Though when she made it to the last step, when there were no more stairs to count, she felt the tears fall down her cheeks. The Jedi were quite literally the only life she had ever known, day in and day out it was what defined her. Youngling Tano, Padawan Tano, would be Knight Tano and then one day Master Tano. That was her future, that was supposed to be her life. There was nothing more to her than that and she felt very empty as the gravity of her situation, of what she had done, pulled her to sit on the last step of the Temple.
Hot tears continued to slip down her cheeks and she didn't have the strength to stop them right now. She couldn't sit here and cry for long. Though she imagined that no one ever used these steps considering the landing platform was above them, she knew staying here would do no good for her. With the remaining strength she did have, she forced herself to stand and walked forward, in no particular direction. It didn't occur to her that she hadn't really thought this entirely through until the sun had gone down and she had no place to stay. The Jedi Temple was her life, it was her home, it was her everything and now she had nothing except the clothes on her back.
Ahsoka brought her gaze to the night sky, sorrow wrapped her around like a thick blanket she couldn't shake off. Then an idea came to her, a place she could stay at least for the night. Not wanting to miss the opportunity, she ran as quickly as she could, hoping to make it to her destination before it closed. As luck would have it, she made it with twenty minutes to spare. Now she had to hope the owner wouldn't turn her away because of what had happened. If he did, then that made things a bit harder for her.
Taking a deep breath, she opened the glass door to see the diner was empty save for the owner who appeared to be doing inventory. The owner was a Baeselisk male with muddy green skin and four arms named Dexter Jettster, nicknamed Dex or Dexi Jet. The first time Ahsoka had come here, she had been with Obi Wan and Anakin, their first trip back from the war front together. She swallowed the ache this place brought. He lifted his head to see who had entered and grinned at the sight of the Togruta which sent a wave of a relief through Ahsoka. The man stepped around the counter to meet her halfway, his smile beaming.
"Hey, hey, hey" Dex greeted brightly, "What are you doing here? I figured you'd be out celebrating with your friends after everything."
"Change of plans," Ahsoka said softly.
Jedi were not supposed to indulge themselves often, but her master and sometimes Obi Wan did not shy away from the simpler or grandeur pleasures of life. One thing that Anakin loved to do in particular was go out to restaurants, whether it was sit down or take out, the idea of getting food from a restaurant had been a secret pleasure of his that he shared with Ahsoka. This diner was a spot they came to often enough that the owner knew them by name and their orders. The thought of all the time she had come here with Anakin made her chest hurt and she could feel the shine of tears in her eyes again.
"Everything okay," Dex asked her with a frown. He'd followed the news closely when he heard about her being accused, he didn't believe that she had done and been more than happy to see her proved innocent. Though seeing her here now was unexpected.
Ahsoka kept herself as composed as she could when she spoke, "Not really, but that's fine. I don't want to bother you or cause you any trouble-"
"Whatever you need, it's yours kid," Dex said, interrupting her.
Ahsoka smiled gratefully at him, "I only need a place to stay for one night. Then I will be out of your metaphorical hair."
"Sure, I got a spare room upstairs," Dex said with a nod, "Mind tellin' me why you need a place to stay? Need a break from the Temple for the night? Figured after the ordeal you had, you would want to be in your own bed."
"It's not my home anymore, so I can't," Ahsoka answered uneasily, a lost look on her face.
Dex's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know how the Jedi worked, frankly the only thing he did know was that they had glow swords and made things float. However he would have expected that they would have let the kid stay since she was proven innocent and one of their own.
"Why not? Surely they should have you back with them, what kind of sickos just leave a kid- sorry a teenager- on their own," Dex asked incredulously and a little angry.
Ahsoka shook her head, "No, I chose to leave. I couldn't stay after, after everything."
Understanding washed over Dex, "But what will you do now? Where will you go? You got family you can go to?"
Once again Ahsoka shook her head, but this time no words left her. She was completely and utterly ok her own.
Dex tsked, "Well that won't do. Here, I'll make you deal. You stay up in that spare room, pick up a couple shifts for some credits until you have a plan."
"No, I couldn't intrude," Ahsoka protested with wide eyes.
"I don't wanna hear it," Dex said raising one of his four hands to silence her, "Despite your Jedi powers or whatever, it's not safe for you to just be out on the streets. And you'll need credits for food, shelter, clothes and eventually transportation. So take the spare room upstairs as shelter, work here for credits until you land on your feet. You may be a soldier, a capable jedi, but you are also what fifteen? Sixteen? Spend some time here to get your head on straight."
Ahsoka was touched by his kindness, "I-I. Thank you. I greatly appreciate this."
Dex nodded, "Of course. Now you want some food or want me to show you to your room?"
"Room is good," Ahsoka replied, exhaustion seeping into her bones.
Dex turned away, gesturing for her to follow him which she did silently. The pair walked through the kitchen into the back room where she thought it was a storage closet, but the door opened leading to a stair way. It was a tighter fit for Dex, not a problem for her as she followed the larger man up to place. At the top of the stairs were two rooms, one on the left and right. The left said storage on it, but the right didn't have a sign.
Dex pulled out his keys, then got the door open to reveal the little room for her. It was small, smaller than the quarters she had in the temple which was saying something, but she was nonetheless grateful. The bed was on the right, it was pressed against the three of the four walls. On the left, just past the door was a mirror and sink and a cabinet below. The walls were a darker grey, almost with a green tint and a window on the front wall, straight across from the door.
"I know it ain't much," Dex admitted.
Ahsoka was quick to reassure him, "No, it's perfect. Thank you again."
Dex offered her a kind smile, "No trouble. Sleep tight."
With that, Dex made his way down the stairs leaving Ahsoka alone to her new room that she would call her own for the time being. For a moment she just stood there in the center of the small room. Curious about the measurements, she turned to face the door and stretched out her arms. Her fingers didn't brush the walls on either side, but only about an inch of space remained between her fingers and the wall. Tiredly, she lowered her arms before taking a seat on the bed. To her surprise the mattress was soft, not too soft, but more than she was expecting which brought a minuscule amount of joy to her. However it didn't last long as she turned to look out the window just by her.
Coruscant was almost always buzzing with energy, but she found tonight it wasn't quite as alive as normal. Her thoughts drifted to Anakin, he could never make up his mind on whether or not he liked the activity on Coruscant or not. Sometimes he loved it, other times it drove him crazy. The thought of him made Ahsoka's chest hurt. Ever since she had become a Padawan, she had been by his side, fighting together, living together. Now, he wasn't beside her anymore, she wouldn't fight with him again, their master and apprentice quarters gone.
Her eyes burned as her feelings started to stir more within her, as the sorrow of everything that had happened came bubbling just beneath the surface. Forcing the thoughts away, Ahsoka laid down on the bed and tried to get some sleep, but her mind would not quiet down. It brought out a bittersweet memory. During the early days of her apprenticeship, when she had gotten nightmares of her time on the field and was struggling to rest, Anakin had helped her. A soft song his mother had sung to him when he had trouble falling asleep. It had been one of the only things that he ever told her about his past.
"I have just the trick to help you," Anakin said as he took a seat, "Put your head down here."
Ahsoka raised an eyemark at him, but did as he asked not seeing the harm, "And how is this supposed to help?"
"Trust me Snips, it works every time," Anakin told her with a far off grin.
Ahsoka had her head rested on his thigh with a slightly unconvinced look on her face, but she didn't say anything. At this point, she would do anything to help her settle down and get some rest. So she obliged her master and laid down, trying to calm her unease. His warm Force presence did help settle her own restless energy, but she still didn't feel like she could sleep anytime soon.
"Close your eyes," Anakin told her softly.
Ahsoka did as he asked.
"When I was younger and couldn't sleep, my mother would sing me this song," Anakin told her a bit absently, his hand on her montrals, "It worked everytime."
Ahsoka opened her eyes and turned her head to glance at him. He never talked about his past, ever. She felt honored and excited that he was willing to share this with her.
"Close your eyes," Anakin told her again, his smile kind.
Ahsoka did.
Ahsoka wanted to force the rest of the memory away, but she found she couldn't ignore it and wanted it to play out. To pretend this had all been some bad dream that she could wake up from. Maybe she would wake up in the middle of the night back in her quarters, go to her master and tell her of her dream and he would sing that song to her once more.
But she was alone now, this wasn't a dream. Ahsoka stared out the window, her eyes started to burn again. The bond between them was still there, it hadn't been severed, but it wasn't quite in reach. Part of Ahsoka wanted to tug at it, but she forced herself not to. She closed her eyes, she let the memory play out. Yet as she did, someone else witnessed the memory as well.
Anakin wasn't quite sure what he felt right now as hhe walked the streets of Coruscant. There was anger, sorrow, guilt, pain. It all swirled inside him like a raging storm that would never settle, yet at the very same time he just felt… empty. When he returned to the temple to see Obi Wan watching him, he hadn't been able to say anything and just walked past him. The older man had moved to follow him, but a sharp look from Anakin forced him to remain in his place. Anakin didn't need anyone around him then, he didn't want anyone around him as he tried to process what happened.
His Padawan was accused of a crime she didn't commit, she was expelled from the Order, nearly executed, proved innocent and then asked to return upon learning her innocence. When he returned to their shared quarters, that emptiness reached him once more. All her stuff was still there, she hadn't taken it with her and he had no way to get it to her. The sight of it made him angry and that pain intensified. So he left the temple then, at first he intended to just wander or run around, maybe even find her, but that hadn't happened. Instead he searched for her lost lightsabers.
It wasn't until the moon sat high in the sky that he found both of them, he wordlessly clipped them on his belt. The added weight of them made his emptiness grow. His breathing picked up as his eyes continued to burn from the tears he truly couldn't let out. Pressure began to build up at the center of his forehead, he let out a frustrated yell. None of this should have happened. Ahsoka should have stayed, she should never have been accused, he should have protected her better, he should have found the truth out sooner. If he had done better, she would still be beside.
Anakin made his way back up to the surface level of Coruscant, he intended to go back to the Temple, but the sight of the building sent an unrestrained amount of rage in him. This was all their felt! They turned their backs on a sixteen year old girl, they handed her over to the Republic who was willing to execute a child! Hatred burned in Anakin's heart for what the council had done, for the man who oversaw her trial, for the Republic, for Barriss, for the entire circumstance. His Padawan deserved so much better, he should have done more to protect her.
Anakin turned away from the temple and went to the one person he could really talk to about this, his wife. The walk there had been quick, he made his way up to the apartment without being seen, not that he really cared about getting caught at this point. Let the council expel him, let the Jedi turn their backs on him like they did Ahsoka. Anakin opened the door to Padme's apartment with the key code she gave him. He hoped that entering his home, that the presence of his wife would ease his pain, but he still only felt anguish.
"Ani," Padme called coming into the living room, dressed in a lilac nightgown, "I wasn't expecting you to come tonight. I thought you'd be-"
Padme stopped when she saw the state Anakin was in. His hair was messy, there was a dark and pained look in his eyes, his posture angry. What could have happened to cause this response? She thought he would have been happy, thrilled. Ahsoka had been proved innocent, welcomed back into the Order, things could return to normal. Of course Padme expected that Anakin would be upset with the council and Republic courts for awhile, frankly Padme was furious with both of them as well, but that anger could wait. Now was the time to be happy.
"Ani, what's wrong," Padme asked, coming to stand before him.
Anger and sorrow appeared on Anakin's face, his hands clenched into fists, "She's gone. Ahsoka, she's gone."
Padme frowned, "What? But she was innocent. The Order should have brought her back."
Anakin's blue eyes looked at Padme's then. Those clear eyes that shined with passion were filled with anger, filled with sorrow, filled with hurt, helplessness. Tears filled his eyes, then a moment later, they fell down his cheeks.
"And she was welcomed back, but they didn't even apologize to her, they just-" Anakin cut himself off, struggling to keep his anger at bay, "-she left... She walked away from the Order."
Padme stared at Anakin then, her brown eyes widened in surprise. No. Ahsoka, she couldn't have just left. The senator was ready to deny it, she was ready to say that he was wrong, but she knew she couldn't. There was no way for her to truly deny it without being irrational. But she felt like denying it, she knew he felt the same.
"Padme, Ahsoka's gone, she's not coming home," Anakin forced the words out, his voice hoarse.
Padme's eyes burned, the tears fell down her cheeks a second later, "Not coming home.. No."
Padme pulled Anakin into a hug, he buried his face in her shoulder and hers into the crook of his neck. The couple held on tightly to each other, trembling breaths leaving the both of them as they struggled to come to terms with what had happened. The Jedi were not supposed to love, but Anakin loved all his friends. He loves Ahsoka, he loved her so much. The little sister he never had, the closest thing he had to a daughter. Padme loved Ahsoka. The young girl was fierce, determined, strong, compassionate. To think that she may not ever see the young girl again broke Padme's heart and she knew it had shattered Anakin's.
"Ani," Padme said as she moved back to look at him, "Where did she go then? She can't just be out there alone."
Anakin looked out at the window, his tears shined in the light, "I don't know. I wish I did cause then I would drag back to the Temple or back here. Somewhere she would be safe."
Padme brought her hand to his cheek, turning his head to face her again. Whatever words she wanted to say died on her tongue as she took in his heartbroken expression. There was nothing she could say to make the situation better, there was nothing she could do to help him or Ahsoka. Maybe had she fought harder in the courts they never would have been close to the ruling of execution. Anakin looked away from her then, an odd expression on his face that she couldn't quite read.
"Anakin," Padme asked softly.
Anakin blinked, "I just, the bond is still there. Between Ahsoka and I."
"Did she call out to you," Padme questioned next, hopeful and worried.
"No," Anakin said quietly, "But I can still feel her there… I know she isn't okay."
Anakin stepped away from his wife and walked out to the balcony, he barely registered the sounds of the speeders and other vehicles below, he barely felt the buzzing of the Force around him. No, all he could focus on was the thought of his Padawan out there, alone. He begged the Force with everything he had that she was safe, wherever she had gone, that she was alright. The bond was just in reach of him, he tugged on it without hesitation. Maybe he could find her, maybe he could convince her to come back. When he tugged on the bond, he found her shields were up pretty high. He couldn't pretend like that didn't hurt. However he focused back on the bond, the part he could reach and found a memory.
Anakin observed his Padawan for a moment, he sent out calm and reassuring feelings through their Force bond to help her settle down with a sleep suggestion he would increase later. For now he only needed to send her enough to help get her comfortable. The fear in her was more than normal, he knew that whatever dreams she had, certainly had taken their toll on her. Considering that they were based off real events, he knew that it was much worse.
"I have just the trick to help you," Anakin said as he took a seat, "Put your head down here."
Ahsoka raised an eyemark at him, but did as he asked not seeing the harm, "And how is this supposed to help?"
"Trust me Snips, it works every time," Anakin told her with a far off grin.
Ahsoka had her head rested on his thigh with a slightly unconvinced look on her face, but she didn't say anything.
"Close your eyes," Anakin told her softly.
Ahsoka did as he asked.
"When I was younger and couldn't sleep, my mother would sing me this song," Anakin told her a bit absently, his hand on her montrals, "It worked every time."
Ahsoka opened her eyes and turned her head to glance at him.
"Close your eyes," Anakin told her again, his smile kind.
Ahsoka did as he asked again.
Anakin took a soft breath. That was the first time Ahsoka had come to him in the middle of the tonight because of bad dreams. He sang the lullaby his mother would sing to him when he couldn't sleep. It was something he never forgot, something he cherished, one of the only things he had left of her. He shut his eyes, he tugged on the bond once again and to his relief, Ahsoka did respond to it. Their bond wasn't gone, but dread filled Anakin as he realized the only reason he was able to feel her clearly now was because she was exhausted. Earlier she had effectively blocked him, now that things had settled and she was tired, her defenses were lowered.
Memory and present seemed to blur together, he could almost feel Ahsoka as if she were standing right next to him. His hand found her Padawan beads, he gripped them tightly and let that fuel their connection further.
Ahsoka opened her eyes, she was still alone in her new room, but for a moment there she felt as if she were back at the temple, back with Anakin. The Force bond, he had accessed it and she had been too tired and distracted to keep him out. She could have pushed back, she could have forced him out, but she found she couldn't. His presence was warm, it was familiar, it was home. Tears slipped down Ahsoka's cheeks as she turned onto her side, the moonlight reaching her eyes.
"Close your eyes," Anakin said to her.
Ahsoka couldn't tell if it was from the memory or actually him, but she did as the voice asked.
Anakin visibly swallowed, he could feel Ahsoka's restless energy as he sensed she was trying to get some sleep that wouldn't come. He could feel her heartache, he wished he could take it away from her.
"Mirrorbright, shines the moon, its glow as soft as an ember," Anakin sang quietly to himself, the wind and Force carrying his words to his Padawan. "When the moon is mirrorbright, take this time to remember."
Ahsoka took an uneasy breath, she could feel the calm and reassuring waves from Anakin, through their still intact bond. More tears slipped down her cheeks, she gripped the sheets tightly in her hands as Anakin's voice reached her montrals.
"Those you have loved but are gone. Those who kept you so safe and warm," Anakin sang gentle to her, "The mirrorbright moon lets you see. Those who have ceased to be."
Anakin felt Ahsoka's sorrow, he sent another wave of reassurance to her, he sent her peaceful energy he didn't truly feel, he sent her the pride he felt in her, he sent the love he had for her. She had to know he wasn't angry at her, she had to know he cared about her so much.
"Mirrorbright shines the moon, as fires die to their embers. Those you loved are with you still. The moon will help you remember," Anakin sang, his voice a bit more hoarse than before.
Ahsoka relaxed on her sheets at the new feelings he had sent her way, the reassurance, the peace, how proud he was of her, and the… the love. That he cared about her, so much more than just a student. She was part of his family.
"Mirrorbright, shines the moon, its glow as soft as an ember," Ahsoka whispered, his voice echoing around her, "When the moon is mirrorbright, know we are, together."
Anakin heard Ahsoka's soft voice in his ears, it brought an aching smile to his face. A moment later, he felt her drift off into sleep. Part of him, most of him, wanted to probe at her mind again, to see where she was so he could get her and bring her home, but he stopped himself. The memory of her walking away, of her begging him not to make this harder for her to go. He knew he wouldn't be able to truly let her go, but he could take one small step back for her sake. It was all he could do before he was pulled back inside the apartment by his wife.
Ahsoka's breathing evened and with a quick probe, Anakin found she had drifted asleep. He hoped some good dreams would find her tonight, that she knew no matter happened, he would never leave her alone.
A/N: For those interested to see how exactly it's supposed to fit, here are the three songs side by side. Once Upon December first, Mirrorbright in the middle and All Is Found last.
Dancing bears, painted wings~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Mirrorbright, shines the moon~~~~~~~~~~~~~Where the north wind meets the sea
Things I almost remember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~its glow as soft as an ember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~There's a river full of memory
And a song someone sings~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~When the moon is mirrorbright~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Sleep, my darling, safe and sound
Once upon a December~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~take this time to remember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For in this river all is found
Someone holds me safe and warm~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those you have loved but are gone~~~~~~~~~~~~~In her waters, deep and true
Horses prance through a silver storm~~~~~~~~~~~Those who kept you so safe and warm~~~~~~~~~~~~Lay the answers and a path for you
Figures dancing gracefully~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The mirrorbright moon lets you see~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dive down deep into her sound
Across my memory~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those who have ceased to be~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~But not too far or you'll be drowned
Far away, long ago~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Mirrorbright shines the moon~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Yes, she will sing to those who'll hear
Glowing dim as an ember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~as fires die to their embers~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And in her song, all magic flows
Things my heart used to know~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those you loved are with you still~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~But can you brave what you most fear?
Things it yearns to remember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The moon will help you remember~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Can you face what the river knows?
And a song someone sings~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(Mirrorbright, shines the moon)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Where the northwind, meets the sea
Once upon a December~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(it's glow as soft as an ember)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~There's a mother full of memory
And a song someone sings~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(When the moon is mirrorbright)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Come, my darling, homeward bound
Once upon a December~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(know we are, together)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~When all is lost, then all is found