The Artful Dodger

"Even though we have not grasped the currency system fully, your prices seem excessive."

"Well for a 'Jolly Painting' such a price is well deserved!"

"And what exactly classifies as a 'Jolly Painting'? Is this a painting that depicts joy or one that evokes the emotion in its owner?"

"I suppose the painting would cause joy to those who see..."

"Is that through another world mechanic? Is that triggered by being in the presence of the artwork like an aura or is this effect activated by looking at the work?"

"Who is to say? Art as genuine as mine affects the owner in ways..."

"You have a tendency to keep referring to the 'Jolly Painting' as genuine. By genuine, do you mean that the painting is an original artwork?"

"O-of course! All of my items are..."

"Does that imply that this painting is desirable because of its high esteem? I cannot find any paintings of an equivalent value from my data banks on Earth or Hell's titled "Jolly Painting". Does it have another, more identifiable name that it would go by?"

"...W-What do you mean?! It's...it's just called the 'Jolly Painting'!"

"Then what merits such a high price? Is drawn by a famous painter on this world? Are the materials used to craft the artwork rare or of exquisite quality?"

"I..." Redd threw his hands up in exasperation. "Look do you want the painting or not?"

Though VEGA had no facial display, he found away to grin. It was a bizarre concept; he was an AI with the intended function of running the UAC facility on Mars, improving algorithms for argent energy along with working efficiency and conditions for the humans stationed there. Yet in all of his time planning and correcting, nothing had been as fulfilling as making this incredibly questionable character squirm.

"It is important to ascertain that we are getting our money's worth for your asking price..." VEGAs circuits hummed happily. Oh he was happy to do this all day.

Doomguy, however, was not. After his talk with the AI on their short walk/double jump to the art seller, he had decided that if killing the sly fox was off the table, the next best thing was grievous bodily harm. The trouble was deciding which weapon would fire small enough bullets to incapacitate rather than kill the tiny creature, and this was a thought that lingered with him until the salesman snapped him out of his daze.

"32000 bells is a snatch I'm telling you!" Redd insisted, his face matching his namesake from arguing.

The marine instantly realised his puzzle was a trick question; no gun at all was best. Redd was subsequently greeted with a heavily blood-stained knife to his nether regions.

"I don't believe Mr Doom agrees with your assessment." VEGA sighed, wrapping up the conversation for the sake of the animal's mortality. "I did my best to explain the boat situation but judging from the demented grin on the other side of this helmet I don't believe he cares."

Reflexively, the kitsune changed his strategy. "L-Look...I'm not supposed to do this but...I could give you a family discount?"

"Why are you not supposed to? Is there a higher order of salesmen that you work for that have rules against nepotism?" VEGA hummed, enjoying one final dig before the resolution. Either the small creature coughed up the goods or his goods were forcibly coughed up; the situation was now out of his virtual hands.

Doomguy kept the knife steady, but used his other hand to reach into his armour to produce a stack of bells. He knew better than any just how difficult it was to clean the guts off, and while maiming with the blade would be a lot of fun the three hours soaking it in coke after would be far from it.

"I can d-do it for 4000..." The marine's knife inched closer to the fur, "...Wait wait; 3000 bells?! 2500 is my best offer just get that away from me!"

The Slayer wasn't sure whether or not Redd was referring to him or the knife, but he handed over the money and sheathed his blade expectantly. He hadn't thought about how exactly he would transport such a painting or even how he would store it, but all of those troubles vanished after he was handed a small, palm sized leaf.

"I assume this is an identifiable ticket we can redeem when we collect the painting at a later date?" VEGA asked, equally as confused as his user.

"Erm...no, that's the 'Jolly Painting'." Redd explained, his breath still shaking from his near-desolation experience.

Doomguy and his AI were silent for a moment. "This is foilage."

It was Redd's turn to be silent for a moment. "No...that's furniture. Don't you know what an item looks like?"

"Evidently not..." VEGA pondered curiously. "Is there an activation switch? Or are assembly instructions encoded into the package?"

"It's furniture." The seller repeated, still not sure whether or not they were toying with him. Though the brute in the suit had displayed little intelligence so far, the machine who spoke for him had seemed very intelligent. He decided to play it cautiously. "You can usually put it down by just throwing it onto the ground nearby..."

Doomguy threw the leaf downwards hard enough to cause the ground beside of them to crack slightly. "This method does not seem to work."

Redd at this moment realised simultaneously that a) the thoughts in his head telling him that the monstrous man before him could crush him with even more ease than originally anticipated, and b) the machine may be smart, but he was still new to certain basic concepts. While the first realisation terrified him, the second one gave him the faith he needed to continue.

He may just survive these psychopaths yet. "The reason for that is that it is a painting; you need to throw it on a wall space indoors. That would have worked for other items of furniture though."

"Interesting." Doomguy picked up the still intact leaf and brushed off the rubble. "Changing the molecular makeup of an item to fit a predetermined pattern seems ahead of even the research conducted on Mars, but I suppose it fits the theme of the dimensional warping followed by the clothing of these inhabitants."

The marine tucked the item into one of his armour slots and turned to face the kitsune again. "Now; how about access to your boat?"

It was ironic; the thought of taking these two to his ship gave Redd a sinking feeling. "I-It's getting fairly late..."

"Then we best make haste." VEGA told him as Doomguy folded his arms menacingly, tapping his finger on his Praetor suit for added effect.

"...Indeed." Now at this point it should be clarified that Redd had come across many a challenging customer in his travels. One dissatisfied with the quality of their art, another peeved at the prices; these were regular occurrences that were to be expected when dealing with such a varying clientele.

This situation was about as far from a regular occurrence as he had ever experienced. There was nothing in his 'shifty salesman' book about dealing with giant beings who looked like gods of death; let alone ones who were taking a very unhealthy interest in his only current means of transport. As the three of them strolled towards the coastline, the fading Sun seemed to accurately represent his failing chances of getting out of this unscathed.

His gloomy thoughts were pierced by the AI's question. "Out of curiosity, how do you know what weapons look like?"

Redd eyed the pair suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

"When presented with the varying array of guns this marine has in his collection, the rest of the animals were dumbfounded and unresponsive, save for the Raccoon of course." VEGA explained. "Aside from the shock of having something foreign thrust into their personal space, they seemed to not know what they were. Granted, these weapons are fairly unique and unfamiliar to many civilisations, mostly due to the fact that most creatures who see them are murdered on sight, but even then, the basic form of a tool designed for harm should be recognisable. You however, like Nook, seem to recognise what they are. How?"

The art dealer reeled a little at the verbal barrage. "I'm a salesman; I'm used to seeing weird and not-so-wonderful things. That and...well...when I was little I used to read some crazy stories about spooky ghosts, scary sea creatures and gigantic...gun wielding...demon slaying..."

"Yes?" Doomguy glanced over to the fox expectantly. Until this point he had been doing his best to keep his steps at a ratio of one to every six of the smaller creatures just to keep pace, but as he drew beside the small creature once more, he couldn't help but wait for the answer.

"I-It was just a story. You know kids' books; always full of fluff and stuff." He laughed nervously, doing his best to try and forget the fact that the man in front of him bore an uncanny resemblance to said story's protagonist. Said protagonist who notably was responsible for singlehandedly keeping the forces of hell in check in a not so PG-13 manner. "You know I'm not feeling to well..."

"Good thing we are at your ship then." VEGA pointed out, as the small vessel on the horizon became more visible in the fading light. "Oh, it is rather...small."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Redd shot back, forgetting himself for a moment. "That's my ship right there!"

Indeed, it was small. Very small. Doomguy's mouth began to twitch in frustration as his pace slowed down. "I do not think we will be able to commandeer than vessel."

As they reached the boarding plank, it finally hit the kitsune just how massive his 'buyer' was. "Ah...I don't think you will make it onboard." It hit him again. "Ah! I don't think you will make it onboard!"

The Slayer did not like the sudden happiness in the fox's tone one bit, something that VEGA picked up on immediately. "I suppose this is expected of a smaller being like yourself; similar to the shop."

Redd shot them an offended look. "Hey don't lump me in with that raccoon! If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have half the stock he does now."

"Oh?" The AI had been running violence avoiding subroutines in the background for the entire encounter with this shady dealer, but that did not exclude him from the vital information that he had just received. "You are responsible for the shipment of goods and materials then?"

Even Doomguy picked up on the subtext of that. "I am responsible for 'unique and exotic goods' he likes to call them. Bit pretentious I thought, but I suppose he's paying me enough to call it whatever he wants."

"Evidently that is not enough." VEGA noted, scanning the ship. "Hull integrity is just about holding, while nail strength and electronic fittings are due to wear out in approximately 73.567 hours." He switched briefly to the internal mic. "Even by your standards this vehicle is a death trap."

"It just needs a little tune up at the other side." Redd defended it, a slight blush creeping into his cheeks.

"Hopefully this 'other side' is reachable within that time frame, otherwise you and your artwork will be compromised."

The kitsune sighed. "Yeah...I know. It's not the flashiest boat in the world, but the stuff inside is what counts! The paintings I have in there are the real deal; priceless relics that I had to struggle to get for my beloved customers!"

"Actually I was able to analyse the paintings on board based on wall density and positioning then cross reference them against my database." VEGA announced and the colour drained from the sellers face. "They all seem to be fake, though high quality fakes at that."

"But you didn't even see them!" Redd exclaimed, but knew just as well as he thought the AI did that he was right and decided against arguing with the strange voice that was coming out of the death monsters suit. "...ok fine, they are fake. But the one I gave you was the real deal!"

"I would hope so for your sake; Mr Doom does not like faulty goods." Now this technique in the business was called a 'pro AI bluff'. There was no real way to assess the actual authenticity of these paintings without access to his full database back on the Fortress of Doom and a full understanding of the world they were on, but given the kitsune's track record he had taken a very educated guess and it paid off. The next few lines were crucial for their escape from this world after all. "They would stand out against the high quality goods we have at home."

Redd rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah, like you've never bought a knock-off before."

"That is accurate." The AI pushed, with Doomguy letting out a rumbling growl that added to the effect. He was many things, but a cheapskate wasn't one of them. "Though going back to your shipping business. Do you offer them exclusively to Nook or are you open for new entrepreneurs?"

The sly fox almost lost it. "New entrepreneurs?! You...what? The two of you threaten me, insult my ship and call my goods fake, and now you're asking me to be your partner's?!" Doomguy nodded. "...how much are you paying?"

"A new ship." VEGA offered. "The Fortress of Doom has multiple machines designated for armour, vehicle and psychological repair."

Redd ignored the first and last points. "So your house has a repair station for ships?" He shot them a sceptical look. "Doesn't seem too likely. What with your island being so small and with me sailing around and seeing no such docks listed."

The AI sighed. "Very astute of you, but as you can guess we aren't from around here. Our base is on a different world, and as you can see we are fairly advanced machinery wise. Take the praetor suit for instance; not only is it a marvel of technology, it also shows just how otherworldly we are."

Once again the art dealer had to suppress the memories of his childhood story book. "Sure...but if it's so advanced why not just use it to get what you want?"

VEGA pondered for a fraction of a second, deliberating whether or not to be truthful. "We are stranded here; hence the lack of items or knowledge of the area. This is uncharted territories and we would like to return to our normal bloody grind. As such, any warp gates or dimensional teleporters would be a great help to us."

It was Redds turn to ponder, albeit for a little longer. On the one hand, the two had deeply insulted him and had left deep emotional scars that would haunt his waking thoughts forever. On the other hand, a new boat and money. "So I get you the teleporter, you get me a new ship?"

Doomguy gave him what was supposed to be a reassuring thumbs up, but instead it looked more like a curse. "Indeed, if you know what one is. If your ship has an AI I can share the blueprints and energy requirements?"

"My ship has a sheet of paper and a pen if that works?" Redd offered then went and retrieved the items. One horrifically bad drawing later and he at least recognised what they were after. "I think I know a guy...but it'll take a few days."

'A few days'. The words hit the Slayer harder than a rampaging elemental. Days. Not minutes. Not hours. Days. He couldn't help but let out an enraged growl from his throat, which almost caused the art dealer in front of him to lose control of his bowls. "That is agreeable, though the sooner you return the more grateful we will be."

"Y-Yes of course!" Redd shakily replied, backing away slowly with the piece of paper. "I-Ill get right on it for my new f-favourite customers! S-See you soon c-cousin!"

"I don't believe we are related." VEGA called but the hatches were already shut, the rope untied and the ship was powering into the distance.

Doomguy stomped his foot angrily. "Don't worry; he fears us too much to just run. I believe he will return within a week." The marine pouted, but liked the fact the fear he inspired. "Now it seems late; perhaps we should return to our temporary base?"

Trudging back slowly to their temporary ruined accommodation, the duo reflected on their first day on this strange planet. VEGA replayed through all of the interactions they had had with the inhabitants and all of the strange occurrences. But strangest of all was his users reaction to all of this.

So many characters, so little killing. As the giant man double jumped across another river, VEGA noted that aside from the demon at the start of the day, he had caused a total of zero casualties despite the hardships they had faced.

They reached the broken house in no time, and after climbing through the hole in the wall Doomguy decided to make a beeline for the bedroom. It had been a long time since he had slept, but after today he couldn't help but want to put his feet up. Sadly, upon inspecting the bed he wasn't even certain it could support his head, let alone the rest of his body.

"Perhaps you could make use of that... interestingly coloured Persian rug?" The AI suggested and the marine obliged. "Keeping your armour on?" Doomguy grunted. "Indeed, had I known I would have packed your bunny pyjamas. Perhaps we could check the raccoons shop for something similar..." He was silenced by a glare. "Not to worry; Earth only had the remnants of the demon hordes to mop up."

Sighing, the slayer turned on his side. Ahhh, the demon hordes; so few characters, so much killing. His mind replayed a few of his favourite brutalities as he slowly drifted off to sleep, to a land of blood and carnage. He'd survived apocalyptic events and killed demons the size of skyscrapers; this minor inconvenience was nothing he couldn't handle.

Or was it?