Not-So-Alone Time

I spent the next several hours training, making sure whatever effects the poison had on me didn't linger. Farkas came to tell me that Vilkas was awake and ask how I was doing but I gave him short answers until Jared had come up to ask him to help train which I took as my sign to leave. I had almost told Vilkas everything before he reminded me that I wasn't one of them, not really. And if I had almost told his brother about what was going on, I knew I wouldn't be able to resist spilling everything to Farkas. Until I got a grip on the events of the day before I knew that I would have to keep my distance.

The Circle members were sparse that day, likely discussing the Silver Hand and our kidnapping. Everyone else seemed fairly unconcerned with this secrecy, sure that whatever plans they were coming up with would come out in time when and if they needed out help. Ria appeared to be avoiding me and I wondered if she'd heard about Farkas wishing to have a romantic evening, something he had thankfully not brought up again.

But I knew it was only a matter of time, so I gathered a bag, deciding I would go out and gather some herbs for Arcadia.

"Where are you going?" an angry female voice asked.

"I'm running away to join the Bard's College in Solitude," I replied, turning to roll my eyes at Njada.

"Do you have a job? We haven't gotten one all day," she said, ignoring my remark.

"No, just gathering herbs," I said. "You're welcome to -"

"No thanks, milk drinker," she said, turning away from me once more.

"You're going to collect herbs?" another voice asked before I had been able to leave the hall.

Instantly my muscles tensed: Farkas.

"Yes, since there wasn't anything to do. And I just -"

Before I could say 'want some alone time,' Farkas interrupted me.

"Let me travel with you, just in case," he said.

"I'm sure I'm capable of defeating a few plants," I said, jokingly.

"We don't know if whoever was after you and my brother are still out there," he said. "Please, let me go with you. Just in case."

Oh they're still out there, I thought. Still I couldn't muster up the will to fight with him so soon after his brother so I simply nodded and we headed out together.

"Vilkas is still recovering. Aela says he should be better by nightfall," Farkas said, no hint of worry in his voice.

I nodded, unable to say anything more. We exited the city gates in silence, as I was unable to come up with any topic of conversation that wasn't panic-induced fear over the Dark Brotherhood or questions about his romantic inquiries the day before.

We spent nearly an hour in silence before Farkas sat down on a large, light grey boulder. We were in the middle of a clearing where wildflowers grew. Not far in the distance was a camp of peaceful giants and mammoths. Their size unnerved me but so far they hadn't bothered us and Arcadia had promised to double the reward for these particular flowers which had some anti-undead undead properties.

"What's wrong shield-sister?" Farkas asked. "You've been acting strangely since you spoke with Vilkas."

"How'd you know I spoke with him?" I asked.

"He told me. What happened between you and him?"

I sighed heavily. "It's my fault. I lost my temper and accused him of putting me in danger without telling me the truth." I explained the argument and my theory about the Silver Hand.

Farkas nodded thoughtfully. "He didn't mean to put you in unnecessary danger."

"I know that, Farkas. I'm just frustrated with the situation," I said.

The note with the black hand came to mind and I accidentally snapped the flower's stalk instead of gently wiggling its roots from the ground as Arcadia requested. I sighed, sitting down on the ground.

"So, I know you are from Cyrodiil," Farkas said. "And they court differently over there."

My face instantly heated up, and I was glad I wasn't directly facing Farkas as I began to blush. Only an hour in and he had managed to hit on two subjects I had wanted to leave Whiterun to avoid. The large Nord came to sit down beside me, folding his legs under him.

"I – probably," I said. "Everyone here seems to do things differently. How does one...court...in Skyrim?"

"You go the Temple of Mara," Farkas began.

"That's in Riften right?" I asked.

He nodded, smiling at me. "Yes. You then purchase an amulet of Mara which indicates that you are looking to marry."

"M-marry?" I said. "Is there no in between stage?"

Farkas shrugged. "Yes and no. Life can be rough here," he said.

"I've noticed."

He smiled at me again, before lifting his head and looking out over the field before us, the mammoths lazily moving about in the distance. "There are those who stumble upon love, like Njada and Athis."

"I wouldn't let them overhear you say that," I said.

Farkas laughed. "They still keep it a secret but they are together now."

"How can you tell?"

"They have stopped taking quests apart from one another and I overheard Athis requesting quests near Riften this morning," Farkas said. "I think he intends to get an amulet to see if Njada is interested in marriage."

I coughed. "I can't imagine Njada getting married. Do you think his plan will actually work?"

Farkas shrugged, but then smiled at me, "I hope so. Njada has been happier since she recognized her feelings for him."

I tried not to take that as a pointed comment, sure that Farkas wasn't the type to hint at something he could be straight forward and say, but it still couldn't help but feel like those words applied to me. Was it possible I was not only confused about my feelings but actively resisting them? Was I still simply confused about my own feelings, unable to sort through them with the events of the past few months? Or was it possible that I simply didn't see Farkas as more than a friend?

In all the stories I had read as a child, people fell in love suddenly or so slowly they didn't realize it until it was almost too late. I tried to picture Farkas as the male protagonist in those stories, see our friendship from a storybook stand point. It was true that I laughed more when I was with him, smiled easier. Those were signs of love in books, but they were also signs of friendship, something I had sorely lacked in my life before Skyrim.

It was then that I realized I'd been staring into his large yellow eyes, similar and yet very different than his brother's. I blushed, and looked away, coughing.

"So, a person goes to the Temple of Mara and gets an amulet and then what? Someone sees it and proposes marriage?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Is this typically like Athis and Njada who are already – um – obviously interested in each other or with anyone?" I asked.

"No, Athis getting the amulet is like Athis, not typical of the normal way courting is done. In affairs that happen on their own, when two people aren't looking for love but find it, a person would skip getting the amulet and ask the person if they wanted to marry," Farkas said. "I don't know why Athis wants the amulet."

I laughed. "Because I think Njada intimidates him the way she does everyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"She can be forceful. Ok, that's not exactly what I want to say. She can be a bit brutal at times with her words," I said. "I imagine he's afraid that she will say no and is testing the waters. Maybe he hopes that if others are interested in him and the amulet, she will want to commit. Or it's possible that he knows she'd rather be the one to take the relationship to the next level," I said.

"Njada clearly cares for him. He shouldn't be insecure about that," Farkas said. "But if it is to allow her to take control, then that is good."

I smiled at him. Then remembered what he'd said. "So, if this amulet isn't typically used between couples who are already involved, what is it used for?"

"Friends, acquaintances, strangers interested in marriage," Farkas said.

"Strangers?" I asked, my voice sounding shocked.

"They would likely get to know each other a bit first, talk about what they want in marriage and see if their goals are compatible," he said.

"So it isn't about romance?" I asked.

"There can be romance. It depends on what the couple wants," he said. "Life can be short here and we are a practical sort. If one is ready to get married and have a family, the amulet allows them to signify this."

I laughed in disbelief, shaking my head. On a practical level it made sense to me. So many of the men and women I met had been so busy working, and so straight-forward, that I could imagine there was less time for flirtations and long-courtship. The only time Nords seemed to let loose, tell stories, and engage in revelry were on special occasions or over a round of ale (often both). In good times I had heard there were many such fun gatherings, but in times like today, with the dragons and civil war added to the people's concerns, I could see how there would be less time to find a partner.

And wasn't it good in a way? Knowing what you want and being able to discuss it openly with that person before entangling your emotions? I looked at Farkas. What did I want in a relationship? What did he want?

"So what are you looking for Farkas?"

"From you?" he asked.

"No, just, in general. From life. What are you looking for in a partner, what do you want in your future?" I asked.

He smiled at me, and I forced myself not to look away from his honest gaze. "I want a family," he said. "One day I want to have pups of my own, teach them how to fight, watch them play in a large yard."

"Will you still be fighting, still be a Companion?" I asked.

His grin widened. "Of course. I will always be a Companion," he said, pointing to his heart. "But I think one day that they will not need my help so much."

I turned away from him, enjoying the warm breeze against my face. It was strange weather as autumn was just around the corner, stranger still to happen in the this northern country, but I was enjoying it. I closed my eyes, trying to picture Farkas outside some cottage being chased around by three dark haired children half his size.

"I can see that for you," I said, opening my eyes.

"What about you? What do you want?" he asked.

I thought about my future, what I had thought it was before I had come to Skyrim. "I guess what I thought my future would be was to live with my mother, at home in Cyrodiil, learning magic at her side."

"Is that what you wanted?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I never much thought about what I wanted life to be like. I always did what my mother expected of me until I picked up archery and sword fighting. But even then, I never really thought I'd get work with it and when I tried and failed well...I just sort of accepted that she was right."

"You sound like a citizen of Skyrim more than you think. We believe we forge our own destines, but so often tradition forces us to go against our dreams," he said.

I looked over at him, his unexpected view taking me off guard. Still, he was smiling gently at me, seemingly unperturbed by his sad observation.

"But you are changing your destiny," Farkas said. "So now that you know you can do something else, what do you want?"

I had never thought about it. I tried to picture myself back in the life I thought I was destined for but couldn't see it. Even if I ever got the opportunity to return to Cyrodiil, to the mother that raised me, nothing would be the same. My father's identity was shrouded in secrets, my birth mother was an assassin, I had an ancient ability to fight dragons, and what was more, I had learned what it meant to have friends, friends who felt like family. And what was more, I had changed since coming here.

Did I want to stay here? Stay in Skyrim? The land at times still seemed strange and foreboding. But I couldn't imagine leaving Farkas, and Brynjolf, and everyone else I had met behind. And I couldn't picture any realistic way of kidnapping them all to travel outside their homeland's borders. They all had established lives here.

If I stayed, then what? Did I want a long career, fighting until my last breath? Did I want to settle down, pick up a less dangerous trade than "dragonborn?" I remembered how it had felt to care for Lynn, to be close to her. I could picture it back then, picture leading a mundane life.

But that was before I knew about my past. It was before I joined the Thieves Guild and become an assassin. It was back when the murder of one evil old woman had caused me so much guilt and confusion that I had gotten physically ill. And as much as I wanted to believe that part of me was still that woman, I knew I wasn't.

Maybe it was possible to retire as a Companion, to put down my blade. I didn't doubt that putting away my thieving days was something I was capable of either. After all, they didn't murder anyone, had specific rules against it, after all they weren't the Dark Brotherhood.

But I was. Even joining them had cast a dark, fearful cloud about my future. They had gone through great lengths to recruit me, would they ever let me leave? I couldn't imagine an easy way out of leaving the Dark Brotherhood, a way to unjoin. And even if I could, even if they let me go, what about the things I would have to do for them until then? They would follow me around forever, possibly break me. Or worse, I would become one of them, able to compartmentalize killing people I didn't know so that I didn't feel guilt or shame or horror at the notion. And then there was always the worst scnario: that I would come to enjoy it.

"I still don't feel as though I have control over my future, Farkas," I said, quietly, not looking at him. "After everything that's happened, sometimes it's hard to picture life after this, of living through all of what's ahead. Or of being myself when I get to the other side of it."

His large hand touched my face, his rough fingers warm and gentle on my cheek as he turned my head to look at him.

"You are going to make it to the other side, alive. And I will make sure that you come out as you," he said. Then, smiling gently. "I will remind you of who you are."

I sighed, allowing myself to lean into his chest slightly as he put an arm around me. "You're a good friend, Farkas."

"So are you Everlee. You are the first person to know I'm a werewolf and you weren't afraid of me. Everyone is afraid of me. That's how I know you are a good person, that you have a good heart. You saw me for me," he said.

I smiled, letting my muscles slowly relax. Maybe I didn't know how I felt about him romantically, but I knew that for the first time that day I was able to breathe and not feel the fear gripping at my chest at the thought of joining the Dark Brotherhood. I felt in my heart that I could tell Farkas what had happened and he wouldn't judge me, wouldn't hate me for the path I had been forced to take. I felt that he would accept me anyway, that if the rest of the world hated and hunted me, that he would be at my side even then.

And at that moment, he was exactly what I needed.