Chapter 5: A ride and a few realizations
Darcy headed to the stables. He wanted to get a grip of himself and his thoughts.
He mounted his horse and rode on, away from Netherfield. His mind was in a whirl. Nobody had spoken to him thus in his life. Yet, he could not be angry at her. He realized every word she had said was the plain truth. He had indeed behaved in a detestable way.
His temperament had been bitter ever since he had discovered the intended elopement of Georgiana. A man whom his father raised like a son, had chosen to damage the reputation and future of his beloved sister. He lost trust with everybody around him, after that incident.
He had come to Netherfield with bitterness in his heart which mirrored with his actions. Even with Bingley he had not had a happy conversation or laugh as before. He had started to resent everybody around him.
At the assembly when he saw people gossiping about his ten thousand a year, he had been quick to judge them. These people are no worse than Wickham. He had thought.
But he now realized that the Meryton assembly was no different from a London ball. People spoke about his wealth everywhere. Matchmaking mothers introduced their daughters to him and hounded him all the time. He realized from his experience, the Meryton assembly was no different from his gatherings at Town, going by how people behaved towards him.
He tried to play the accusations of Elizabeth in his mind. She had observed him quite well at the assembly.
She was right. He had cut off anybody who tried to converse with him that day.
She had noticed him cut off Mr. Lucas, just as the man tried to initiate a conversation with him. She had noticed that he had danced with Bingley's sisters, but not with the other girls.
The truth was that he was shy to converse freely with any new acquaintance, let alone dance with them. He had danced with Bingley's sisters, as he already knew them and need not have any awkward conversations.
But how would it have seemed to Elizabeth or anybody who saw him? They would have just seen a wealthy man who detested being around any of them. He knew he could not use his shyness as an excuse for his pride anymore. He had always feared that Georgiana would be mistaken as being proud due to her shy nature. He never realized that it may be the same case with him.
Even if it was harsh, he deserved everything that Elizabeth had said to him.
She doesn't even like me. He thought, as he rode aimlessly across the fields. Had I proposed to her, she would have rejected me.
He couldn't think of a girl in England who would reject his proposal. But he was sure Elizabeth would have. Never did he think he would be so unworthy in the eyes of a woman. He cared for her, loved her, even if he had known her only for a few weeks. His heart ached at her disregard for him.
His parents had brought him up with good principles and values. But he had followed them with pride. He had never been questioned or criticized fiercely by anyone before.
His cousin Richard used to point out his follies in an amusing way. Darcy had never acknowledged those remarks beyond a smirk. He remembered what Richard had told him once in Pemberley.
"Fitz, you always seem to be a different person in Pemberley. You even laugh here my man. What happens to you when I see you at Town or Rosings? Why are you so restrained?
I have known you all my life. I know that you are not as serious as you look. But you would come across as proud and haughty to other people. Don't you think you are sabotaging yourself in the eyes of those around you?"
Darcy had never taken his words seriously. Now he wished he had. His heart told him it was not too late. He could try to change. He wanted to show the woman who had gained all his love and respect that he had taken her words to heart.
When he returned to Netherfield, he was informed that Bingley had been searching for him.
Darcy changed and headed to the dining room, he was apprehensive about facing Elizabeth.
When he entered the dining room, his eyes searched for her.
She was not there.
Miss. Bingley exclaimed, "Mr. Darcy, we were all worried about you. Where have you been?"
"I was out riding Miss Bingley."
"Bingley how is Miss Bennet? Is she better?", he asked.
"Darcy there is no improvement in her condition as yet. Dr. James was just here. He has given her some medicines which should help her with her cough. I am worried about her."
Darcy was worried about Elizabeth. He knew Miss. Bennet was very dear to her.
"Mr. Darcy, Charles just informed us about Miss Darcy coming to stay with us at Netherfield. This is such wonderful news Mr. Darcy. I look forward to spending the whole day with her. I was just telling Charles; how improper it would be to have a sick person with us when Miss. Darcy is visiting. He refuses to send Jane back to Longbourn. Could you please help my case and convince Charles? How awful it would be if Georgiana caught something from her, it would be very unsafe for her to stay under the same roof as Jane."
Darcy was angry.
"Miss Bingley, it is very improper of you to speak in such a manner. You must understand that Miss. Bennet and her sister are guests at your brother's house, just like me. You need to show them some respect as a hostess and as a friend. Georgiana does not deserve any partiality from you. I assume Miss. Bennet came here to have lunch with you on your invitation. I hope you can show her some compassion. If you continue to speak of your guests in such an unkind way, I assure you, I may find Netherfield very unsafe for my sister, not in terms of being under the same roof as Miss. Bennet, but to be anywhere near you."
The room was silent.
Elizabeth was silent as well. She was standing outside the dining room and heard the whole exchange between Darcy and Miss Bingley.
She could not believe her ears. She never thought Darcy would defend them as such, never.