Weighing Lives

"You look uncomfortable," Vilkas said, his voice rousing me from sleep.

I straightened, blushing. I hadn't meant to fall asleep and was suddenly embarrassed to be caught doing so. Still, when I was able to focus I saw Vilkas sitting up in bed, the sheet covering his legs but his chest bare.

"I didn't mean to sleep," I said. "Wuunferth said you would be fine but I had to be sure."

"By sleeping in my room?" he asked.

"Like I said, didn't mean to fall asleep. I can't say you're exactly riveting when you're passed out in bed," I said, irritated and extremely tired. "I can see you're back to your normal self so I'll excuse myself."

Vilkas said nothing as I left, shutting the door behind me and trudged up the stairs. I thought about attempting a quick exit that early morning but knew there was a good chance he would track me down if I left suddenly and without word. Instead, I slowly removed my clothes and armor, my body stiff from sleeping in it, and applied the medicine before redressing and climbing into bed.

When I awoke again it was near noon and the inn was full of people eating lunch and listening to the local bard. I saw Vilkas sitting in a corner to himself and if he noticed me he did not motion to me so I sat at the bar and ordered food for myself. When it came I saw that there was a note on the plate as well and opened it.

I see your luck is still unchanged. If you need assistance, I will be back in five days.

V

I looked at the note before crumpling it. When I had finished my food I threw the piece of paper in the fire before heading back to my room. Five days would give me time to heal, to visit with Ralof and perhaps encourage Vilkas to go back to Whiterun on his own. Waiting for Veezara and the aid he would bring made the most sense.

But I didn't want to stay in Windhelm any longer. The city was cold, almost constantly under cloud cover, and its people unfriendly toward non-Nords. I wanted to get on the road, to head south and visit these adoptive parents. I longed to go back to Riften, which despite its thieving underground, was perhaps in one of the prettiest and least violent areas of Skyrim (before I had gotten there). I could see Brynjolf smirk at me when I came to visit and then later inform me about the latest news in the Guild. Part of me even desired to take up some small quest for them. Stealing now seemed a minor moral issue when compared to what I had done in Irvastead…what I had to do just outside the city I know resided in.

And of course Vilkas had to be here.

Angrily I began to pack my belongings back into my bag. I didn't owe Vilkas an explanation about my departure. He had known that I would be gone from the Companions for two months and he surely had better things to do than detain me or try to act as a bodyguard if I left.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. "What?" I asked.

"It's Ralof," the voice said, sounding confused.

I set the last piece of armor in my bag slowing, taking a deep breath. I turned to the door and opened it, trying to smile at him but feeling tired instead.

"Are you alright? I heard what happened last night," he said. Then he seemed to notice the bag on my bed. "Are you leaving soon?"

I stood aside and motioned him in, shutting the door behind him. "I was hoping to soon, yes. I was going to tell you on my way out of town."

It was another lie and I felt guilt clawing at my stomach. I had completely forgotten about Ralof when I had begun packing. He had saved my life more than once and was about to head off to war and I had forgotten him. I sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You have a lot of responsibility," he said gently, as if sensing my feelings. He nodded to the chair by the door and I nodded. He sat down, facing me. "How have you been?"

"Busy," I said. "I didn't intend on going to Whiterun, I never do apparently," I said, laughing quietly. "I find out I'm dragonborn, the only dragonborn who can stop these beasts from killing countless people. Then Riften was…overwhelming. I spent many hours trying to figure out if someone knew who had sent me the letter about my father and no one knew. I made friends there, got a job, started establishing a life in the city. It was nice. But then I found out that I may have been adopted. I panicked, Ralof. I left the city in a hurry, and I think I hurt some of the people I left behind."

I thought about Lynn and Brynjolf. I could still recall the thief's face when I told him I was leaving. He had seemed to understand but I could tell that he wasn't a fan of my sudden departure. He knew I was running away from my past though he hadn't called me out or judged me for it. And Lynn, I had left her without her acting older-brother right after she had begun to see me as family.

"Seems understandable. That's a lot to happen at once," Ralof said. "And you're still fighting. So, you left and joined the Companions?"

"Sort of," I said. "I was trying to help one of the children at Honorhall find some of his family but it turned out the situation was complicated and I ended up agreeing to join the Companions to resolve it."

"Are you unhappy with them?"

"No, I mean, I thought I might be at first. You met my shield brother, he gave me a hard time when I was just a recruit. Even after I joined he was never a big fan of me," I said. "Sometimes I think he's coming around to me but other times I'm pretty sure he hates me because he thinks I'm going to ruin his brother's life."

Ralof raised his eyebrows.

"His brother is another Companion and he…has feelings for me. We're just friends right now but I think Vilkas is overprotective," he said.

Ralof muttered something I didn't catch but when I asked him to clarify he waved me off before saying, "It definitely seemed like he was guarding something when I spoke to him this morning."

"He's pretty defensive," I said.

"I thought you might be leaving because of him, that he had ordered you back," Ralof said.

"No, he hasn't sent me back to Whiterun. I was on some business for my friends in Riften, for the orphanage actually, when I was waylaid," I said. "And I really feel it's my duty to get back to it, after I left them so quickly in the first place."

"I understand. So, you won't be staying another night?" he asked.

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "But you should write to me at Jorrvaskr when you can. I'd like to know my first friend in Skyrim is doing during the war."

He smiled at me, rising, and offering me a hand up which I took. He then grasped my hand, so that our forearms touched, before nodding at me. "You have my word," he said. "And you tell me how the hero of our age is doing."

"That's a tall order," I said.

"You are that hero," Ralof said, our arms dropping.

Ralof left, shutting the door behind him. I took one last look about the room before shouldering my pack but before I could turn to leave I heard my door open swiftly. I turned to see Vilkas standing there, his eyes taking in my pack before meeting mine.

"You're leaving?" he asked.

"I am," meeting his gaze steadily.

He stared at me in silence for a moment. Before finally saying, "You don't think should take some time to heal?"

"I'm doing well enough. Thank you," I said formally.

Vilkas tilted his head to the side, looking away from me before returning his wolfish eyes to mine. "Thank you," he said. "For last night."

I thought of asking what had happened between him and Calixto. I had assumed some sort of powerful (if brief) mind control spell, but then thought better of it. Instead I nodded and said, "You're my shield brother."

"True," he said. "And I am your Shield Brother so perhaps I should come with you to Riften."

"I'm not just going to Riften," I said. "I have to meet with these prospective parents first."

"The offer remains," he said.

"You want to follow me around chatting with farmers and visiting children?" I asked, picturing his utter boredom. Of course, I wouldn't just be meeting them, I wanted to check in with the Thieves Guild and then of course there was the matter of the assassinations I still owed The Dark Brotherhood. "And besides, surely the Companions have other matters to attend to other than assisting one of their own on menial errands."

Vilkas didn't say anything. He started to leave before hesitating, turning back to me. "You almost broke your promise once, I won't ask you to make it again. But…be careful."

I blinked, suddenly thinking back to all the Giants he had sent me after. It was a jarring difference to think of him then as opposed to the overbearing man he'd been weeks ago or the caring man appeared to be now.

A thought occurred to me, "I will. Vilkas, if you're going after the Silver Hand –"

"That is not any of your concern," he said, all gentleness gone.

I repressed the feeling of frustration that built within me then, stopping myself from snapping back at him. I had known how he felt about telling me whatever missions he, Aela, and Skjor were attending to but that hadn't been the reason I had wished to talk about them.

"Don't tell me anything. That isn't why I brought it up," I said. Then suddenly self-conscious, "I know you don't need a milk-drinker like me telling you to be careful but you need to be, Vilkas. They're…trickier than they appear."

"I am well aware that they have vampires within their ranks."

"I think there is more to them than that," I said, thinking of them contacting the Dark Brotherhood but I couldn't tell him about that. "We attacked a small group and they brought an entire clan down on us without losing any of their own. They aren't just the simple-minded thugs they seem to be. I don't want to see you hurt." Then added, in case he thought I didn't care for them as well, "Or Aela, or even Skjor."

Vilkas focused on me intently for a moment and I thought he was going to tell me that I shouldn't worry about him, that he would be fine, that I should worry more about my own incidences I seemed to keep stumbling into.

Instead he said, "I am always careful."

He then left my room without as much as a 'goodbye.'

I decided not to wait for nightfall as Vilkas had given me no reason to fear being outright hindered. Still I did my best to make sure that he hadn't changed his mind or was in some way aware of my movements while trying not to appear as though I were 'looking over my shoulder.' When I arrived at the stables I was informed that the carriages were all away but one was expected to return later that evening. I thanked the man, and gave him my fair plus a little more to hold the carriage in case I did not make it back from "hunting" before the driver. I felt guilt well up in me at using the word. The hunt I planned was not for animals.

I took a deep breath as I explored the location it said the man, Ennodius, could be found. According to the notes on the contract he had become paranoid that someone was out to get him several months back and had abandoned his work at the mill to hide in the nearby wilderness. It didn't take long before I found a very obvious trail, likely where he had snuck into the mill at night to sleep when it rained. I tried not to think about him huddled up in the mill on cold nights where he used to work just waiting for the attack he knew would come one day.

Moving silently I found the man hunched over a small stream. He didn't see me and I hesitated for a moment, remembering Narfi, how he had mourned his sister, how for a brief moment he had been elated to have her back, how he had realized the truth too late as the light in his eyes went out. I tried my best to remain calm, to not think about the fact that there was another story behind Ennodius, a person whose life I was going to take. I thought of the dagger that had gone through my side, the pain that had consumed me as the poison spread, the fact that death had almost claimed me as well and knew that the person at the other end of the blade could just as easily be me, or Vilkas, or Brynjolf one day.

And the only thing that propelled me forward was the thought that if I didn't do this, that day would be sooner than later. As selfish as it was, as inevitable as it may be that death would come, I knew I would fight for another day for them, for myself. It didn't matter that we saved lives, that I had saved lives. The rationalization, while true, wasn't what lie at the heart of the matter. The terrifying truth was I knew that even if my death toll far outweighed the good I had done, if it meant keeping myself and those I cared about alive, that I had decided I would keep putting someone else at the end of the blade.

It scared me to think that wouldn't change, that I wouldn't be the hero that I wanted to be if the situation demanded it. If saving thousands of lives meant sacrificing Farkas, would I do it? Would I allow innocents to die for Ria? Would I kill them myself if pressed? What more could be I be manipulated to do if I was forced to do weigh their lives, or my life, to others? Was there a limit?

And at that moment it didn't matter. Two lives didn't cut it. Two living, breathing people weren't enough. Two lives I would put an end to. Two bodies at the end of a blade.

No, no I can't do this. I thought, my hands suddenly shaking as the cold thought entered my head. I remembered the way I had killed Grelod, how my mind had slipped into a place where it had been too easy to sneak up on her, run my dagger across her neck, and then throw her body toward shore. I had shut down for Lynn, I had killed a woman. A cruel woman, a woman who had at that moment been in the process of murdering a child, but I had enjoyed killing her. And even then I had felt remorse.

I wasn't sure if Ennodius's death meant as much as Grelod's. The old woman had treated her charges miserably and had been in the process of actively murdering one of them. Ennodius's crimes seemed to consist of stealing occasional resources from his former employer to keep himself alive and…and being in the middle of a potential guild war he knew nothing about. Well, that and obvious angering someone enough to pay for his assassination.

Telling myself that his death wasn't up to me felt like cheating. It may have been true that I hadn't paid for his murder and it was also true that if I hadn't been the one sent to end his life, it would have been someone else. But still, I was the one killing him. I was taking a man's life who had done nothing to me.

I almost fled at the thought but then I remembered Vilkas tied to that chair, is name at the top of the list I still carried on my person. If I didn't do this he would die, Farkas would die, Ria and Kodlak and Aela would die. And they wouldn't be the only ones either. I didn't approve of their organization (my organization too now that I had been forced to join them) but Veezara at least seemed to be a good man, despite his profession. If I didn't go through with this, there would be war and casualties on both sides and even more innocent people getting caught in between.

So I stayed still, and focused on finding that place where I didn't have to think. As much as it terrified me, I had to let myself fall back into that state where I didn't have to feel or think when I took someone's life. Where it was only me, my blade, and action. There was no other way I could close the gap between Ennodius and myself if I couldn't and his death would be much quicker if I could just allow the brutal efficiency to take place.

And it was too easy to reach that place once I'd made up my mind to go there, to allow myself to become the assassin that would end the man's life before me. A clarity came to my mind, a total focus that made me hyperaware of my surroundings, of my own movements. And underneath that, a small rush of adrenalin, of thrill that I would hate myself later for. But not now, now it was just me and my target as I closed the final distance.

Silently I pulled Ennodius close, my hand over his mouth and slit his throat, holding him for a second so that he wouldn't be able to scream if he had that in him. Then I let the body fall, my hand shaking, angry at myself for coming to this point. Angry that I wasn't feeling more than anger as the blood coursed through my veins, safe, my heart pounding. I watched his fall into the stream and slowly drift away. I had never seen his face. I had killed him and I had never even looked him in the eyes.

And I didn't want to.

A.N.: So, I've been quite sick the last couple of weeks and thus I apologize for the extra week between chapters. I had a version of this chapter done a week ago but the ending was darker than this (and than I would have liked) and I wasn't in the best state to go about fixing it because of the flu. Anyway, thanks again to everyone who is following/reading/ and especially reviewing :)