CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

-Estrangement from the Nikiforov Legacy. What is Victor so scared of?-

It was surreal to watch him after that; Yuri was sure that he himself looked more out-of-sorts than Victor did though. He spent more than half the banquet just looking at his fiancé in silence, barely muttering a few grunts to people who asked him questions.

I can't understand any of this.

Victor seemed entirely normal. He laughed and joked with people, took photos with practically everyone who asked, even pulled Yuri into several if he was within arm's reach before the flash went off. The Four Continents group was an entirely different menagerie of people and cultures from the European Championships, so it was quite bit more subdued. Perhaps the lack of the rowdy Europeans made the event seem more like a reception than a party; it suited Victor's purposes well enough, as there was no expectation that he'd be surrounded by craziness at any point.

"Did you guys get into a fight...?" Phichit wondered, slowly sauntering over to where Yuri had stood idle and alone for a few minutes, "You've barely said a word all night and you're acting more like a wallflower than you used to."

Yuri looked at him, and then back to where Victor was socializing with some of the other coaches. He shook his head, "No, nothing like that. Victor and I are...doing pretty great, actually." He said, though his tone betrayed him.

"Then why are you acting like this? You're not yourself. I mean...you came off the Exhibition Skate so excited, and now look at you." The Thai skater pointed out, even offering some of his champagne to lighten the mood.

Yuri refused though. He watched as a small group of people approached the gaggle already around Victor, "It's hard to explain." He said, though he supposed he had to try anyway, "Victor told me something unsettling before we came over here, but it seems to bother me more than it does him. Is that weird?"

"Maybe...depends on what it is."

"Hmm..." Yuri fumbled, "I don't think it's my place to say." He looked back to realize Victor was waving at him, as though beckoning him over, but he shook his head and stayed put.

"If that's the case, then it sounds like you're upset over something that's his problem." Phichit said, and gently nudged his friend's shoulder before lifting his flute to take a new sip of bubbly, "But if he isn't bothered by it, why should you be for him?"

"I don't know." Yuri said with a sigh, "I just suddenly feel like it's the Sochi GPF banquet all over again. Victor's over there, I'm over here...and I'm just staring at him, like I don't know the first thing about him all over again."

"I believe the scientific term for this thing you're doing is 'self-sabotage.'" Phichit explained dryly, and gestured to the Russian, who was staring at them a bit despondently, "What could possibly have been said that made Victor deserve to get shot down like that just now?"

"I'm not-" Yuri paused, "...Did I?"

"A minute ago, he waved you over to where he's talking with those officials, and you completely blew him off. Now he's looking at us like you just kicked his dog."

Yuri banged his own head twice in frustration at himself, "I'm so stupid. I should go over there..."

"I wouldn't. Not now." Phichit said, holding his hand out to make sure his friend stayed put, "He's probably already apologized to for why you refused them. It could embarrass him if you changed your mind. Those people he's talking to...they're the core organizers for all official ISU events. Don't you remember them giving you your medal?"

Yuri felt even worse, "Then I really should go over there...!"

"No. Just wait a minute." Phichit explained, trying to sound reassuring, "They probably think you refused to join them because you're not a coach like Victor is."

"Probably!?" Yuri was trying not to panic.

He saw Victor move to usher him over with a bit more urgency on his face than the last time, and Yuri shot over there like he'd been launched from a catapult. He stood stiffly at attention and looked at the group attentively, but was too nervous to speak.

"I was just telling them about how you need more sponsors." Victor explained, and wrapped one arm around his partner's back, holding to one arm gently, "Now that you've won medals in two major events, you should be getting support from more mainstream entities."

"Will you be making St. Petersburg your home rink from now on?" One of the ISU organizers asked, "I know of several Japanese organizations that want to be part of your skating future, but they don't know whether to send their representatives to Hasetsu or Russia."

"Oh...uhm, I'll be staying with Victor, so St. Petersburg, yes ma'am." He bowed his head politely.

Victor rubbed his thumb soothingly on the arm he held, and he nodded with approval.

"You've really shocked us all, Yuri." She continued, with gestures of agreement from the other officials, "We were really upset when you collapsed to last place in Sochi. You'd pushed yourself so hard to make the final six and then you just imploded on yourself. When we heard that Victor was taking a break from skating to coach you...we were all excited to see what would come of it, even as we were sad to see Victor leave." She put her hand on Yuri's right shoulder, "We're very impressed with the results. He's done a good job getting you back into shape. We see promise in your future; you're quickly becoming one of the ISU's brightest stars, so please continue skating for a few more years, okay?"

"Y-Yes ma'am, I plan to."

"Excellent." She beamed, then looked back to Victor and extended her hand to shake his, which he did, "We'll have Yuri's new sponsors send all the information to St. Petersburg then. Thank you for everything you've done to make him shine, and welcome back to you as well. We look forward to Worlds and next season."

"Thank you, Chairwoman. We do as well." Victor bowed his head, much like Yuri had, and smiled as the group moved on to talk to other skaters and coaches.

Yuri finally felt his heart-rate go down as the group turned away, and he heaved a deep breath. He barely had a moment before he felt Victor hug him around his head; a gentle pat pressed down on his crown, and his vision shifted as his glasses were nudged slightly out of place.

"My little katsudon is finally getting recognition." He cooed, "Pretty soon, your mail will be as difficult to manage as mine is. Thank goodness the ISU doesn't require us to wear the logos of all our sponsors...otherwise we'd look like those ridiculous American racecar drivers."

"NASCAR ISN'T RIDICULOUS, VICTOR." Leo called from where he'd heard the comment; the American skater's head popped up from the crowd like a cubicle-tech who'd just heard there was free pizza in the lounge.

Yuri blanched at the whole thing, but continued his nervous smile where Victor continued to hug him.

The rest of the night felt like a blur. There was a small ceremony where the medalists were all called to help cut into an enormous cake, and Yuri did so happily, albeit with that nagging feeling at the back of his mind, weighing on his heart. More photos were taken; he was sure he looked awkwardly uncomfortable in most of them, if not every one of them.

It was a relief when the banquet was officially over and people started to trickle out, to go back to their rooms for one last night's sleep before flying back to their home countries. The walk back to their own room was pretty much done in silence.

Victor kept his fingers interlaced with Yuri's as they walked the narrow halls, and didn't try to force a conversation. His attention was brought back down to terra firma only when he felt Yuri lean against his arm while they waited for the elevator.

"Have you already bought your ticket?"

"Yeah."

"Mh..." Yuri sighed, and stood in silence for a few more seconds; the elevator arrived, the doors opened, and they filtered in alongside a few other banquet-goers.

Victor wasn't sure what to say anyway; the confines of the small space made it easy to stay quiet. He didn't speak again until they were safely inside their room.

"It'll be a week before I can join you in St. Petersburg, if I go on with the original plan." Yuri said, trying not to let the conversation die, "I wish you'd said something before you made all your plans."

"It's...not something I wanted to give you the option of dealing with." Victor tried to explain, "I don't want to drag you into the middle of it. There's a thousand good reasons why I never wanted to respond when you asked about my past."

"...How am I supposed to be a good husband to you if I don't even know where you really came from? The things I know about you can't just be about skating now...?"

Victor huffed a little and looked away, "I don't...know if I'm ready to bring it up. It's not a fun conversation. It's giving me palpitations just having the idea of it on my mind now." He grumbled, and sat down on the edge of their bed, head in his hands, "...It's just too much..."

Yuri pulled off his formal clothes and started to put them away, then grabbed his shorts and t-shirt as he got ready to slip into bed. He listened to his fiancé's words carefully, and considered in silence how to continue. The only thing he knew to do was to get on top of the bed and sit beside his dour partner. He pulled one hand loose from its head-holding perch, and held it in both of his own on his lap, "...I don't know what to say without coming across as manipulative." He started warily, "I want to know what you've gone through, and why this process is so hard for you to go through now. It kills me to see you hurting like this. But...if telling me would make it worse, then I...guess I'll just have to wait until you're ready."

"...I feel like it would ruin the way you see me." Victor admitted bitterly, and used his free hand to rub his nose, "Everything was going so well without having those details."

"I hope one day that you're comfortable enough with me to know that you'll always be the same person in my eyes, no matter what else I learn about you." Yuri tried to reassure, and pat the hand he held, "Your past is what made you who you are, but it doesn't define you."

"Maybe not, but..." Victor said, and finally looked up again, though not far, "Facing my past may change my future, and I'm not sure if it would be for good or ill."

"You don't have to face anything," Yuri pointed out, and leaned against that closest shoulder, "Maybe this could bring closure instead, so you really can move on from it."

"Closure?" The silver echoed, almost aghast at it, "My mother wasn't the one I was worried about. She was just..." He started, then stopped, and shook his head, "No, now I'm getting into details."

"Can I make a suggestion?"

"...Like what?" Victor wondered, glancing up out the corner of his eye.

"Go take a shower. Spend some time in there thinking about the easiest possible summary of what you're about to walk into when you go back to St. Petersburg. I can't make it better, but...understanding a little bit may help me help you get through it."

Slate eyes watched for a moment, wider from the suggestion, then narrower as he understood. He drew a deep breath, and rose up from the edge of the bed, "...Yeah..." He said, halfheartedly. With no other recourse, Victor made his way around to the bathroom. With the added heat of his nerves bubbling up in his gut, the shower felt unbearably hot, but even after trying to turn it down, it didn't seem to help. He could feel the skin over his left cheek twitching terribly, making his eyelid quiver irritatingly. He raised a hand to brush his bangs away, and pressed his hand to the trembling patch.

The silver drew in a deep, quaking breath as he pressed his shoulder against the cold tile wall. His whole frame cringed as those vague memories started flooding back into him; a man's deep voice, a woman's shrill cry, a child's scream and sob, then a crash, and another man's voice...Victor couldn't place who or why.

How do I explain this to Yuri!? He thought bitterly, eye twitching so strongly that it squinted that side, I've put all thought of that time so far at the back of my mind that I'm not sure I even remember it right anymore. All I really have left is the fear and anger...

There was nothing else he could do except get out and dry off again, and try to make himself as comfortable as he could before he unlocked all of that discomfort. He came back through the bathroom door with a bathrobe on his pale frame, and a towel draped over his damp, steely-grey hair. He spotted Yuri on the bed almost immediately, sighed quietly to himself, and made the arduous journey over to join him.

"You were barely in there for a few minutes. You sure you're ready?" Yuri asked pensively, looking at his fiancé's back. He watched in anxious quiet as Victor ruffled the towel over his head a little bit more, set it aside, and sat there motionless again in thought. Not knowing what to do, Yuri twisted in place and reached a hand over, pressing his fingers to his partner's back reassuringly.

Victor's body twitched slightly to feel it, but Yuri just flattened his hand out gently. The Russian drew in a pained breath, and finally rose up again to cast his bathrobe off - hanging it off the headboard - and trained his thinly-garbed frame into the comfort of the blankets. Yuri came in close and hugged him, one arm draped over his chest, head nestled by his own; it was a comfort, but Victor was still anxious. He lifted one hand and rest it on his fiancé's forearm, holding onto it like it would help anchor him into the moment, "...I came out because...I couldn't really think of what I wanted to say." He started, eyes up on the ceiling, "It's been such a long time. I put all of that stuff so far into my rearview mirror that I couldn't see it clearly anymore. I'm not even really sure I could pick my parents out of a crowd anymore."

"Do you remember how old you were the last time you saw them?"

"Eleven or twelve, I think... My memory is so muddled that it's like I wasn't even alive before I joined Juniors."

"Did you always train with Yakov?" Yuri asked, hoping maybe to lighten the issue and go back from there.

"Yeah." Victor nodded, "Up until a few years ago - probably because of his age - he used to go into the country on these fishing expeditions, looking for young talent to bring back to St. Petersburg. He'd get tips from the different rinks about potential athletes, and he'd go out there to check. If he liked what he saw, he'd talk to the families and offer to take the kids and give them a future. Even if figure skating didn't turn out to be it, at least they'd be in the city where they could go to school or join the service, or whatever they wanted."

"Right... So he asked your parents, huh?"

"Not...exactly." The silver said, his skin tightening under Yuri's embrace, "My mother was the...only one who knew about my skating. My father would go into these violent tirades if he even heard the word."

Yuri lifted his head, "What? Why?"

"I'll go to my grave never knowing the answer to that question," Victor sighed, "Maybe he was a drunk and hated fun. Maybe he hated me? Maybe he hated skating for some dumb reason that I was never told. I...can kind-of remember times where my mother would take me to some frozen pond and let me go. I don't exactly remember how we ended up at a rink, but that's how I eventually met with Yakov."

"He must've gotten you out then."

"...You could say that."

"Would it be more accurate to say he saved you?"

"Maybe. I still had some contact with my mother after leaving, but that eventually faded to nothing, too. I haven't talked to her in over ten years now. That's why I'm not sure what to feel about this whole thing. I don't know the woman anymore." Victor grumbled. He waited a moment in annoyed silence, then abruptly turned to find his phone, "This is dumb. I'm cancelling my ticket back. I don't want to waste my time and energy on a bunch of meaningless pain."

Yuri felt a pang of guilt and sprung up to sit as well, reaching over to tangle his fiancé's arms, "Wait, wait, Victor...you're just going to cancel going to a funeral? She's your mother!"

Victor blanched and gawked, but then started to pull his forearms loose again, "It's not a funeral."

"...It's...not? Then what is it?"

"Yakov says I'm supposed to..." The Russian said tensely, and paused for a breath, "...I'm supposed to meet my father. To get details for the funeral."

"...Yakov couldn't just get that information himself?"

"He tried. Apparently my father refuses to say more. Yakov waited until after the Gala to tell me about it because he knew how much it would upset me."

"...Why not until after our trip back to Hasetsu then?" Yuri grumbled, and used his arms to hug the man instead.

"He didn't know we were going. It was more of a...heads up, for when he thought we were going to be back in Russia."

"So he believed we'd both come back to deal with this." Yuri said, and shook his head, "...He meant for us to do this together."

Victor sighed, "I don't think he meant for anything, except to make sure this news didn't mess you up on the ice."

"Let me come with you." Yuri asked, "You've been helping me for nearly a year, and I haven't really gotten to do anything for you. Our relationship can't be just about skating... What would we have after I retire, if that was it?"

Victor cringed; a particularly poignant stab from a comment he'd heard in recent days came bubbling back up unbidden.

'Pretty soon the only gold you'll see is the gold on your finger! We'll see how long that lasts after one of you quits skating!'

He growled and dipped his head, "We would have plenty. We were already happy without knowing about this stuff, weren't we?"

"...Sure..." Yuri agreed tepidly, "But by the sounds of it, your mother helped support your skating even when your father wouldn't. I wouldn't go so far as to say you owe her this final gesture, but...maybe it won't be as bad as you think."

Victor scoffed a single laugh, "My father will break us both in half if he knows we're together."

"Then he won't. I'll just...go back to being your student."

"I wouldn't feel right about that."

"It wouldn't be for long. Once it's all over, we can go back to our normal."

Victor stayed quiet a moment, and looked back down at his phone. He'd already managed to pull up the confirmation email for his plane ticket back to St. Petersburg, and his thumb hovered over the cancelation button.

"...At some point, hopefully soon," Yuri started again, his voice quieter, "We're going to take vows to be there for each other through the best and the worst. We may not have a date set yet, but...I like to think I'm already living by those vows. Since the moment I knew you were going to stay with me...since we kissed in the onsen...I swore to myself that I'd never push you away again. Could you make that same pledge?"

Victor huffed and turned his head, "How would we even get back to St. Petersburg on such short notice? My plane ticket alone cost US$3000. Buying two tickets, on such short notice...we'd be spending ten grand to get there." He asked, half-disregarding the pointed question, "I'd much rather just go see your family like we'd originally planned, and forget this whole thing happened."

"We still have the ISU tickets to take us home from competition." Yuri answered easily, "They didn't get cancelled just because we decided to go to Hasetsu."

"Ugh so we'll have to sit in coach all the way back."

Yuri felt his heart flutter, "So this means you're going to let me be part of things?"

Victor grumbled slightly, "This wasn't my ideal 'first bad situation' to have to trudge through..." He explained, "But... Let me think about it first. Either we go to Hasetsu or we go straight back to St. Petersburg...but we go together, whichever it is."

"...I guess that'll have to do for now." Yuri answered quietly.

"I know it's not what you wanted to hear." The silver said, and leaned slightly to kiss the side of his beloved's head, "Through good times and bad, sickness and health, I swear to be faithful and good to you... I just...need to figure out if this situation is good for us, too. I don't want to put us through Hell for nothing."

Hearing the vow was enough to put Yuri's mind at ease finally, and he let out a relieved breath. He reached a hand up to gently move steely strands of hair out of his partner's face, and kissed a cheek, "Let's get some rest then. If we go straight back, it'll be a long flight."

Victor watched quietly as his partner twisted away to click the night-table lamp off, and plunged the room into darkness for the night. He felt the blankets and mattress shift as Yuri laid down and got comfortable, then the pawing warm hand that wanted him to join. He finally relented in his guilty vigil and twisted to get under the blankets, found his fiancé's thin frame, and cozied-up close to him, "...I wish we didn't have to deal with this so soon. I'm nowhere near ready to confront all that stuff."

"I'm with you, no matter what you decide." Yuri replied, petting the arms that wrapped around him, "Just be sure you're at peace with whatever it ends up being."

"...Yeah..."