Launching Ships, Chapter Four
The next day witnessed the first-ever multispecial love triangle, as Umbridge expressed her undying love for both a blast-ended skrewt and the giant squid. It was so worth bribing the chief of the merfolk to collect some skin cells from the oversized cephalopod! Everyone knew that it had to be potion induced (there was no such thing as a "love spell", even though there were spells with primarily bedroom applications) but it didn't show up on the usual scans, and no one seemed to be trying very hard to find a cure, considering that it was Umbridge.
Fred was sitting contentedly in a window seat in Gryffindor Tower, looking out across the grounds (where Umbridge was sitting by the lake throwing candy and flowers to the Giant Squid) when George walked up.
"Alright. What did you do?"
"Who said I did anything?" Fred replied, pulling the telescope away from his eye long enough to throw his twin an innocent look. "Maybe she just found her true love? Ahh, hang on-" he put the telescope up to his eye again and glanced down at the grounds. "Dang, I wish this thing could project sound..."
"I know you did something, because I saw you talking to Dobby yesterday afternoon, and now suddenly Umbridge is in love with the squid. So spill."
Fred smirked. "I'm not sharing my trade secrets, Forge, but I believed it involved bribing Snape. Also," here he broke off laughing and couldn't stop for at least a minute, "it's not just the Squid. There's a squid-screwt-Umbridge love triangle going on."
"So can we add Filch to the mix?" George asked after his laughter died down a little. "They could have nice conversations about torturing the students!"
Fred gagged. "How about we make Voldemort crush on her?" he asked, after a long moment.
George stared at him. "Genius!" He said at last. "We can get back at everyone who's ever hurt Harry with this..." he grinned ""...and then we can have some fun! Don't you think Harry needs a little impetus to snog Gin Gin? And don't you think Percy would cool off if he got laid? And Ron- do you think he's ever going to make a move on Hermione if we don't help?"
Fred actually got off the window seat, leaving his telescope behind. "Gred and Forge! World-class matchmakers! But first, revenge."
Cornelius Fudge ought to have noticed that the "gift" from an unknown admirer which had been left in his desk had been laced with something. That said, it would normally have been checked over by an auror detail first, but luckily Nymphadora Tonks was as mischievous as the twins ever could be, and what her boss didn't know wouldn't kill him.
All the same, Fred thought, (as he and George watched the video feed from an enchanted floating eye of their own devising) Fudge was a pitiful wizard and an even more pitiful minister if he didn't even check an unexpected and unsigned gift for tampering or potions. The two of them watched as the pudgy middle-aged wizard sat back on his desk without even bothering to shift the heaps of paper all over it and stuffed himself with the good chocolates. Then both twins cheered and high-fived as his blue eyes glazed ever-so-slightly. Then he sat around a little while longer, called in Percy to do his job for him, and left, presumably to find whoever's hair was in the potion (George wouldn't tell him). He stopped beside Lucius Malfoy.
"You didn't!" Fred burst out.
"Didn't what?"
"How did you even get Lucius's hair, George?" Fred continued, growing more agitated still.
"I'm not sharing my trade secrets," was George's only reply.
Fred groaned, then gasped as the camera stopped. Fudge had stopped in the hallway across from Lucius. Unfortunately this prototype, rather like the telescope, was soundless, but they caught enough of the exchange visually.
Lucius was about to turn down another corridor when they saw Fudge shift and then call out.
"He said hello," George stated, staring intently down at the mirror. They were both quite proficient at lip-reading after years of eavesdropping on adults who suddenly remembered to put silencing wards up and only marginally fewer years during shared detentions and having their seats switched in the middle of double Transfiguration.
Lucius looked surprised for an instant, and then nodded to the minister. [Good morning, Minister,] he replied, nonplussed. Probably because of the naked lust in the man's eyes.
[I was hoping to see you today, my dear Lucius,] Fudge said, getting closer. [I have need of your...services.]
The twins giggled at the awkward display of flirting, and then at the momentary look of horror on the aristocrat's cultured face.
[I don't know what those might be,] Lucius replied, backing away. [Unless you mean campaign contributions?] A calculating look swept over his face as he turned to go down the corridor. Fudge followed. [Perhaps I would help you if you pass those laws that I was talking to you about? And perhaps you could release Bode without a trial?]
[Of course, my dear Lucius.] Fudge was following him. [Anything you want.]
Lucius, now looking irritated, stopped and turned around. [Minister, is there anything else you wanted? I have to do paperwork and I have a meeting in half an hour.]
Fudge kissed him and both twins gagged in sync. Lucius tried and failed to look normal. [Minister, I think you may be under the influence of a lust potion...]
He was cut off with another kiss as Fudge pulled him inside his office and closed and locked the door. [Nonsense, Lucius, I'm perfectly fine. And paperwork can wait.]
[Minister, you're married!]
[Never liked the bitch anyway. Now you, on the other hand...]
[Can't this wait! I have a meeting!]
[It won't matter if you miss one meeting. We have better things to do...]
[I don't swing that way!] said Lucius desperately. [And I'm married too!]
Fudge grinned, obviously trying to look seductive. It didn't work. [Oh, you're only confused,] he said confidently. [I can sort you out. And weren't you just complaining about your wife making you sleep on the couch?]
[Listen, Minister, I will hex you if I have to.]
[You wouldn't do that. Not with that Mark of yours...]
[Dammit! I'm supposed to be threatening you, not the other way around!]
[Threatening? You would know if I was threatening you...] He took a step forward, banished Lucius's wand to the other side of the room, cast a silencing charm, slammed him into the wall, and started ripping off his expensive robes.
Both boys gagged and then turned off the video eye. No need to know what was under his robes, even if they might have been a little curious. Because Draco had to get his looks from somewhere, didn't he?
Then they turned to each other, and Fred high-fived George. "You think he's going to miss that meeting?"
George nearly died laughing. "Oh, definitely."
But it got better still. The next morning, the Daily Prophet had some very interesting headlines:
Breaking News: Lucius Malfoy assaulted by the Minister of Magic! Vote of No Confidence for Minister Fudge! Investigation Pending! and Minister of Magic, Closet Gay?
Fred and George looked at each other and shared a secret smirk over their toast and bacon. The smirks widened into grins, however, when, exiting the hall, they heard Severus Snape say faintly, "Ten points to Gryffindor for getting rid of that idiot."
AN: It is Finals Week for me...not sure why I'm writing fanfiction when I should be studying Latin and Geometry, but I am. That said, updates will be quite short for a bit. And make sure to check out my poll- I add new questions every day!