~You Can't Fix what Isn't Broken~
Tenshi lay alone on her soft patterned futon, bored out of her celestial mind. It was a perfect day, much like every day had been since her family ascended; a day where nothing could go wrong. Tenshi couldn't stand it. Why couldn't some terrible catastrophe take hold in Bhava-agra? Just once, to break the monotony of her life?
With a louder grunt of exertion than was strictly necessary, Tenshi rolled over onto her front and wedged her arms under her chin. A dull ache built in her jaw until, with a scream, she swivelled her head as far as it would go and rested her right cheek on her wrist. Then her cheek started to hurt. She sighed heavily and turned her head the other way.
"Tenshi! Tenshi! Wake up!" Two painfully cheerful voices broke through the monotony in Tenshi's chateau. With another heavy sigh, she got up and peered out over the garden below.
"Mother's having a poetry competition tonight! Oh, what a marvellous time we shall have!" a Celestial with sky-blue plaits and a fancy patterned waistcoat shouted up at her. Tenshi realised with a heavy heart it was her sister Emiko.
"Wow, a poetry competition?! Oh, joy!" Tenshi feigned excitement. "Let me just see if I've got a spare toss to give. Come on, there has to be one tucked away here somewhere... Nope, sorry, can't give a toss!"
"But-but there's a special theme today! The coming of spring!" the other Celestial pleaded, her chin as pointy as her eyes were bright. It was No-Relation Yamamori, lucky enough to be Emiko's fiance and the biggest wet blanket in the sky.
"Come on, Mima, there's a special theme every time! They're never any fun," Tenshi pointed out.
"But it won't be the same without you! We all miss you, Tenshi! You have to come!" protested Emiko.
Tenshi's good mood had run out. "How can I be what makes a poetry competition worth having?! I'm hopeless at poetry and I never have any fun! Just do it without me!"
"Oh, Tenshi, you can't just stay home and be miserable all day!" Emiko slid into Responsible Big Sister Mode, putting her hands on her hips in the way that always made Tenshi want to kill her. The fact that Emiko was younger than her made it especially maddening. "If you would just try to enjoy it you'd love poetry! You're a Celestial, aren't you?"
Tenshi glared at her. "Well, maybe I'm no good at being a Celestial. Anyway-"
"Then let us teach you!"
"What?"
"Let us teach you!" Mima's voice was as sweet and earnest as ever it had been. "Spend the day with us and we'll show you how to be a proper Celestial. We'll teach you dancing, flower arranging, poetry, embroidery and everything! Oh, we shall have so much fun!"
"She's right, Tenshi! If you could only stop wallowing in misery and let us show you what you're missing out on, I'm sure you'd have a marvellous time!" agreed Emiko, full of confidence.
Tenshi was about to give them a piece of her mind followed by a barrage of keystones when a thought occurred. As painful as it was to admit, Emiko and Mima had a point. She never had tried any Proper Pastimes for Well Brought-Up Young Ladies, had she? Maybe some of them would actually be fun. Maybe some of them would be more fun than moping around with nothing to do.
"Tenshi? Hello?" Emiko gave her a wave. "Anybody home?!"
"Forget it, my love. She's a lost cau-"
"I'll do it."
"Eeeeeeeeeh?!"
"I'll do it," Tenshi repeated. "I agree to let you show me how a perfectly delightful little Celestial should behave."
"Really?!" gasped Emiko.
"Oh, Tenshi, that's marvellous!" squeaked Mima, her face lighting up. "We'll just wait in the garden while you get dressed-"
"On one condition."
Mima's joyful spiel was cut short. "Con... Condition, Tenshi? What is it?"
"You can have me today. Tomorrow, it'll be my turn to teach you how to be IMproper Celestials!" Tenshi smiled. "Sound good?"
Emiko looked at Mima. Mima looked at Emiko.
"It's a deal!" declared Emiko.
"It is?!" cried Mima.
"She'll come around long before the morrow, my angel. Even if you cannot believe in your wisdom, believe in me while I believe in your plan," said Emiko, her eyes shining. "All right, Tenshi, let's not waste another moment! Get dressed in your finest clothes and we'll get started. Come on!"
Tenshi emerged half an hour later and gave the girls a less-than-enthusiastic wave. She flumped down on the doorstep and started lacing up her tall brown boots.
"Um, Tenshi," said Emiko, "you won't be wearing that to Father's competition, will you? It's what you always wear."
"And what if it is?" Tenshi stood up and did a twirl to show her iridescent blue dress, rainbow-buntinged apron, soft white blouse, black hat and boots so recently laced. "These are cute enough for you, aren't they? Why would I wear anything else?"
"Because-! Because, er..." Emiko frowned. "Tell her, my angel!"
"It's for fashion, Tenshi! You need to wear different clothes every day so... So, um... So it looks like you're... Well, it's what people do, isn't it?" Mima trailed off.
"Exactly." Emiko nodded smugly and put her hands on her hips again. "So why don't we both come in and find you a fresh new look?"
"Fine," sighed Tenshi, picturing Emiko with a spiky mace rammed into each ear. "But no heels."
After an eventful half hour, Tenshi emerged once again, flanked by Emiko and No-Relation and looking deeply unenthused. She was tripping along in black doll shoes with a short sea-blue dress flopping around under a white apron.
"Must this be so tight?" groaned Tenshi, tugging at the lacy corset built into her dress.
"Oh, Tenshi, it's simply divine! It truly makes the most of your figure," Mima reassured her.
Tenshi scoffed. "My figure?! Who cares about my figure?! We're going to a poetry contest!"
"They'll care whether you've made an effort, Tenshi. Do you want to look sloppy?" asked Emiko.
"I don't see your effort-showing corset, sister." Tenshi gave Emiko's waistcoat a meaningful pat.
"This is fashionable! Elegance comes in many guises, the precise details of which I shan't bore you with, but I put no end of effort into my outfits. This skirt, for example, I wove from scratch!" snapped Emiko, kicking up a short riding boot to twirl her pleated tartan skirt.
"If you say so..." Tenshi could see a long, pointless conversation stretching out ahead. "Anyway, what's first on the itinerary for today?"
"I think we'll start with flower arranging," said Emiko. "Then dancing and embroidery."
"Ooh, how about calligraphy? She'll need to know how to shape her kanji to have any chance of winning tonight!" Mima piped up.
"My dearest love, you are a genius! Calligraphy is the most fun anybody can have with ink!" Emiko squeaked with delight. "I can hardly believe I forgot about it. Oh, what fun we shall have! But first, flower arranging. Don't drag your feet, Tenshi, we have so much to fit in today!"
"What an utter waste of effort. You should be ashamed of yourself, Tenshi! Not only did you spend the whole day dragging us down with your constant moping, you refused to enjoy anything!" Emiko's mood had soured a little over the course of the day, and now, as she led Tenshi and Mima to their parents' castle, she was in full cry.
"What was I supposed to enjoy, Emiko?! All you've done all day was show me new ways to be bored!" snapped Tenshi.
"You never even tried to have fun! All you did was mope and whinge and sigh and pout and-" Emiko took a deep breath. "You stomped on my foot, you spilled ink on the floor, you tried to embroider your own skin and you glued my best begonias to a canvas in the shape of a stupid bloody dragon!"
"Oh, that was fun!" said Tenshi, brightening up a little.
"It was NOT fun! It was childish and stupid!"
"You know what else is childish and stupid, sis? Your face!"
Emiko screamed. "Damn your face! You should've been a- a jiang shi or something! A demon, a vampire, a maid, anything but a Celestial!"
"Emiko, my love, please calm yourself! It's only an hour until the competition!" Mima piped up, her voice tremulous. "I know Tenshi bothers you, but we tried our best with her! Couldn't you leave it for now?"
"All right," Emiko pouted furiously. "But our father will hear of this."
"Let's change the subject!" smiled Mima, her eyes betraying how desperate she was to avoid any more conflict. "Tenshi, what have you written for the competition? Mine's a set of tanka about the harvest!"
"For the competition? Written? Me? What have I?!" Tenshi tried not to panic. "I, um. I haven't written anything."
The servants, poetry fans and dozens of cousins milling around the Hinanawi-jo castle's courtyard were expecting Emiko to be well turned-out as always, so more than a few eyebrows were raised as she stormed down the garden path with Tenshi slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Ignoring the looks she was getting, Emiko slammed her cargo down on a bench. "Wait there," she barked, storming off into the castle.
Emiko returned a couple of minutes later with a pencil and several sheets of paper, still wearing a terrible scowl. "This was all I could find, so it'll have to be enough," she barked, shoving them into Tenshi's hands.
"Oh, I'm sure it will be plenty for a few poems," said Mima politely.
"A FEW?! It's not even an hour until the competition!" cried Tenshi.
"Just- just write a poem! One stupid poem! Anything that comes into your head! Anything at all! About anything! It's easy! Just do it!" screamed Emiko.
Tenshi breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh and looked over her materials. The paper was the weighty sort they made from rice, printed with rectangles for spacing out kanji. Tenshi remembered those boring evenings she'd spent being forced to write out every character over and over again until she could do it 'properly', until she'd realised she could just stab her tutor, torch the schoolhouse and run off to play football. That had got her kicked out of heaven for the first of many times.
Giggling at the happy memory, Tenshi smoothed down her sheet of paper and got ready to engage in some serious poetry. What could she write about? No brilliant ideas sprang to mind. Peaches, maybe? She liked peaches. What was there to say about peaches, though? Round? Pink? Orange? Sweet? With stones inside them? When she got down to brass tacks, peaches were surprisingly boring.
"Um, Tenshi? Don't be shy about writing something less than perfect. It is a friendly competition, after all, and nobody expects you to come up with a masterpiece," Mima encouraged her.
"Nobody sensible expects one sentence from her," sniffed Emiko.
"Oh, Emiko, don't be so horrible!" Mima chided her. "You know Tenshi can speak perfectly well, so I wouldn't be surprised if she wrote TWO coherent sentences, or even three!"
Mima's words brought Tenshi little comfort. She sat there, writing nothing, as the hour of the competition drew closer. It was pretty much settled; she was going to be embarrassed in front of her parents, insulted by her parents, then she'd hide away and not talk to anyone for at least twelve days. Maybe she'd finally watch that Ultraman Max video Sanae had given her. Episode 17 looked good.
"Thank you all so much for coming! As you know, today marks the beginning of Spring, the season of renewal, of new life, when even the oldest life can find itself in bloom once again!" The venerable Masumi Hinanawi, long-suffering mother to several children, was in her element. She was speaking to about thirty guests from the noh stage in the east wing as usual.
"Some new life may not be long for this world, but would the cherry blossoms be half as fair if we could see them every day? Oh, speaking of 'new', it seems we have a rare guest among us! Tenshi, darling, I am so glad you decided to join in this time, I was so worried you were growing isolated in your little house. Oh, and that dress looks simply marvellous! You're simply radiant when you make the effort," Masumi went on.
"Kill yourself, you stupid, arrogant, miserable, pudding-faced old fart!" was what Tenshi was tempted to say, but she settled for "Thank you, Mother. You're also all right when you make the effort to appreciate me rather than giving me passive-aggressive compliments which, despite what you may think, I can see through with ease."
"Quite." Masumi laughed nervously and changed the subject. "It is a rare pleasure to have all my children gathered like this! Yoko, Tomo, Emiko, Hayato... It is a shame your father was too busy to attend this time, but duty calls, as they say. Now, who else is..." Her expression soured when she caught sight of Mima. "Are you lost again?"
Mima flinched. "W-well, you see, Lady Hinanawi-"
"I took the liberty of inviting her," said Emiko. Her voice was calm and steady, but it had an edge Tenshi had quickly grown used to over the course of the day. "Poetry is a passion my beloved and I share, so she should be right at home here."
Masumi exhaled angrily. "A Celestial should know her place, Emiko, and yours is much higher than... Never mind. The least said about her, the better."
Tenshi hadn't heard any of that before. She gave Emiko a curious look. "What was she...?"
Emiko silently shook her head. She squeezed Mima's hand and fixed her mother's knees with a glare.
"Anyway, let's not burden ourselves worrying about the future. Now, the time is ripe to celebrate the coming of Spring with words spun from our hearts!" said Masumi brightening up considerably. "Tenshi, why don't you start us off?"
Tenshi's eyes widened. "I- I'm up first?"
"Yes! Read us your poem, Tenshi!" Masumi nodded.
"Well about that," Tenshi braced herself for a frosty reception, "I didn't really write one. I hate poetry, and if that wasn't enough I'm dreadful at it, and I'm only here because Emiko and No-Relation talked me into it. So I've got nothing for you."
"You... You didn't?" Masumi's face fell. "But you must have written something! It doesn't have to be perfect, Tenshi, as long as it came from the heart."
"You don't get it! None of you get it! All that comes from my heart is things like not being a poet," sighed Tenshi. "I hate poetry. That's never going to change."
Masumi was horrified. "But Tenshi, you're a Celestial! We all love poetry!"
"Well, I do hate-" Tenshi took a deep breath. "Listen. The fact that I exist, am a Celestial and don't like poetry is objective proof that not all Celestials like poetry. So stop acting like I'm some kind of freak when I just don't like poetry!"
"...You should like poetry."
"Up yours."
"Well. Since this is a poetry competition and you have failed to provide a poem, I must inform you that you are disqualified." Masumi's tone was severe, but there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. "Now, moving on. Emiko, has fraternising with a commoner dulled your mind, or will your poem be-"
"Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Tenshi gasped, her eyes shining. "I've got one!"
Masumi gave her a look. "I have already disqualified-"
"Shut up!" Tenshi had never felt so alive. The anger she'd felt towards Emiko was now aimed at their mother on Emiko's behalf, and with it came new determination, new possibilities, that begged to become words. While Masumi stewed and the audience looked on with trepidation, Tenshi launched into her poem.
"They say a Celestial has to be sweet
"With nothing but buckle shoes gracing her feet
"They say in her heart must be naught but vanilla
"And what of her head?
"Just kittens in bed
"She can't be a knight and she can't be a killer
"They say a Celestial poems must bear
"Singing sweet sentences out of the air
"They say she must love it, no room for her taste
"They say to love shouting or blades is a waste
"If she's not a priss, why then she has failed
"A job she'd not took, but found to her nailed
"They say many things that look badly on me
"I'm not cute, I'm not sweet
"I don't perfume my feet
"I'm not kind, I'm not gentle
"Don't pray every night...le
"But I'm not the worstmost, not even in here
"You all have your problems you're soon gonna hear
"If I am too stroppy then what of my sister
"Whose rage since this morning just smouldered and blistered
"At every word I wrongly said
"And every slip-up I ever made?
"And what of my mother, o highest-born dev
"Are you kind, are you fair, do you live and let live?
"You sneer and you sniff
"You always get miffed
"If we should be kindly, who said you might judge?
"Who said a Celestial should hold a grudge?
"But wait! Are we not also knights of the sky?
"There's 'they' and there's 'they' and the other they say
"We're born to defend, all brave and all true
"The best of us when there's a rumble is me
"So what's it to be? Strong or just twee?
"Then what of dear Mima, so pure and so sweet
"The lover, the artist, who never gives grief
"Who can't bear a sword or drop-kick like Tenshi
"So delicate, never to fight as a senshi?
"Is she not the sweetest Celestial born?
"Is she not the kindest of all?
"Is she not sufficient for what she's for?
"Brave and true
"Fancy and cute
"Shy and demure
"Or nobly born
"Pick two, no more
"Why tell us we're bad when you can't be all four?
"If none can be everything, why pick on me?
"And if Mima's so rubbish, no queen is so great
"Who o'erlooks all their flaws and sees mine with hate
"Sweet kid sister Emiko
"Why can't you just let it go?
"And Mima unrelated
"You should never be hated
"And know this, dear mother
"I can't fit your cutter
"And nor can Emiko
"The image you cling to we'll never come close to
"A top-tier Celestial I may not be
"But I'm the best Tenshi, for Tenshi is me."
Tenshi dropped her pencil with a faint clatter and strode back to her chair, leaving a heavy silence in the room. Her eyes were shining, her cheeks flushed with joy and exertion. The gathered Celestials were staring at her, some beaming, some shaking their heads.
"I'm not stroppy. I just say what's on my mind," Emiko was muttering furiously.
"I do actually know how to use a sword," said Mima.
Tenshi caught her mother's eye and smirked. "Well? What did you think?"
"It was a nice attempt," said Masumi, wearing a slightly pained smile, "especially since you made it up on the spot. That being said, I fail to see how the coming of Spring fits into your poem, so you shan't win today."
"Um..." That wasn't close to the fury Tenshi had expected. "Okay! Good. I'd better up my game for next time-"
"Oh, there's no need for that!" Masumi cut in. "Sorry, but you do hate poetry, after all, and I would hate to force my hobbies on you. So don't come again."
"Fair enough." It wasn't much of a loss. Tenshi had a feeling her newfound talent would be more appreciated elsewhere.
"Right, then!" Masumi swiftly changed the subject. "In keeping with the principle of saving the best until last, perhaps the Yamamori girl would like to go next?"
As the first morning rays set her room aglow in orange, Emiko was awake enough to wish she wasn't, so she lay there and loafed in her silk futon. She could hear soft snores from the patterned pink blanket cocoon beside her, which figured; Mima had been reciting her favourite poems long into the night. Sighing fondly, Emiko rolled over and draped an arm over the warm lump, hoping to entice her back into the land of the living.
After a couple of minutes, Mima shifted and gave a muffled yawn. "What time is it?" she murmured, snuggling closer to Emiko.
"Just after sunrise," replied Emiko.
Mima groaned. "It's too early to be just after sunrise! I should write a petition..."
"I did say it was time we were in bed when Father turned up with that sake," said Emiko, adopting a softer version of her usual scolding tone, "but I remember a certain sweet maiden wanting to us to finish the Un'you Wakashuu with voices."
"We were having so much fun! I couldn't bear to leave," sighed Mima. "I hope I didn't impose on you, my love."
"You were definitely imposing on Mother," said Emiko, "but she needs to get used to it."
"Come to think of it, do you know where Tenshi...?" groaned Mima, wriggling her head free from several blankets. "She left rather early. Where do you suppose she went?"
"She will have arrived home safely. It is Tenshi, after all," said Emiko reassuringly. She yawned and gave Mima a kiss on the nose. "Do you think we should go and see her?"
"After breakfast," declared Mima. "I could just go for a peach..."
At that moment, the door flew open and smacked into the wall. Emiko's handful of naginatajutsu trophies fell in a heap as the room trembled. Through the door stepped Tenshi, back in her tall brown boots and rainbow sash and wearing the smuggest of smiles.
"Up and at 'em, little sis, little wife-in-law!" Tenshi barked while Mima and Emiko clung to each other in terror. "It's time to talk pheasant about that deal we made."
"Turkey," whimpered Mima. "Not pheasant."
"My life, Tenshi, you're supposed to knock!" screamed Emiko. "What do you want?!"
"You had your day to turn me into a proper Celestial, right? So now it's my turn!" declared Tenshi.
After a moment's tired recollection, Emiko put her head in her hands.
"I knew that was a silly promise to make," groaned Mima. "So, what do you... What do you want us to do, Tenshi?"
"Well, I've been thinking," said Tenshi. "I just spent the whole of yesterday trying to hammer it into your thick skulls that I'm perfect as I am and no-one can change me, so I shouldn't really try and turn you both into bad bitches, should I?"
"Sh... should you?" Mima blinked. "I mean, no, of course not!"
"Good! That's settled. Now, is there anything else we can help you with?" Emiko demanded. "If not, we'll get back to our... loafing."
Tenshi shook her head. "Oh, no. You're not getting off that easily."
Mima and Emiko shared a nervous look.
"I said I wouldn't try to change you," said Tenshi sweetly, "not that I was letting you out of the deal. I must at least broaden your horizons, mustn't I?"
"Yes?" said Mima timidly.
"Well, come on, we've got the whole day ahead of us! I'll teach you how to fight, climb things, spit, skateboard, jump in puddles, steal food and commit acts of hubris! Oh, what jolly spiffing larks we shall have!" squeaked Tenshi, hopping up and down and clapping her hands in a way which just oozed sarcasm.
"Spare me," groaned Emiko.