The Winter Solstice/ The Longest Night of the Year

Chapter Summary: The first one to endure alone is always the hardest. Anna learns that the hard way on the night of the Winter Solstice, and she is forced to seek out companionship with the one prince who could not only understand her pain, but also take it away.

The ticking of the clock was the only thing to break the silence in her bedroom. It was late. Most of the castle had gone to bed. Westergaards that were still up were no doubt drinking themselves under a table.

I could have joined them if it weren't for the fact that'd I'd be well under a table in five minutes flat….

Anna sat up in bed and pulled her knees to her chest. Today was another difficult day. Her plans to steal Sitron for an afternoon ride of reflection were thwarted by high winds and threats of snow. Instead, she was forced to hunker down inside the castle. With everyone essentially cooped up inside, it was hard trying to avoid the princes in most of the common rooms. Just walking past the south parlor, she overheard an unfortunate portion of conversation that nearly made her lose her temper. It took every bit of resolve that she had left to turn around and walk away. Finally, she found some solace in the castle library with a few good books. Unfortunately, immersing herself in a mystery here, a romance novel there, even finding one of her favorite childhood tales, 'The Twelve Dancing Princesses' only did so much to alleviate some of her grief. The moment she stepped back into the corridor, her troubles were waiting for her like a shadow on the wall.

The first is always the worst, they said. Anna sighed. It will get better over time, they said.

I've lost so much time already- practically my entire life! How is that supposed to make me feel better?!

She glanced towards her bedroom door. Getting out of her empty room might help, but it was late. There were only so many places she could go that wouldn't raise eyebrows. Would there really be a point in it, though? If anyone- or everyone- with sense turned in for the night, then she would merely be alone in a different location. There would be no escaping grief that way.

Well, there was one place she could go, but it was high on the list of impropriety.

He did say his door was always open….

Feeling an onset of determination and desperation, she slid out of bed and reached for her dressing gown. With it tied securely and her feet warmed with a pair of slippers, she was on her way out the door when she caught a dim sight of herself in the mirror. Her long hair was a bit on the wild side. Anna stopped in her tracks and raised her hands to her locks, about to tame them into braids, but then remembered a comment Hans made a few days prior about her styling changes.

He liked it this way… She mused. Not that she was in the proper mindset to really beautify herself, but she found the simple compliment very touching. It actually made her feel good about herself. It made her smile.

Her fingers combed through her locks quickly just to smoothen them down, and out the door she went.

It wasn't until she rounded a third corner and up a flight of stairs that she really had no idea where she was going. This was the first time she decided to take Hans up on his offer, and he never explicitly stated where his room was. The Westergaard castle was vast, more than twice the size of her own home. He could be virtually anywhere. It wasn't as if she could ask someone, even in broad daylight. Hans was instructed to stay away from her, and as an unwed woman, she really had no business inquiring about the location of a bachelor's private chambers.

"Should you need me, you'll find me. You'll always find me…" His voice echoed in her mind.

He believed I'd be able to find my way. I just have to trust his confidence… and my sense of navigation. Heaven help me not to stumble on Dirk or Derrick's rooms instead.

She was instantly regretting not scoping him out during the day. His door could very well have been wide open and she could have seen right in and found him easily.

She frowned as she faced another stairwell. Maybe he wanted it to be a challenge- a game or puzzle of sorts. If this was something that needed solved, perhaps she was unknowingly given clues.

King Frederick said I wouldn't be seeing Hans at all during my stay, so that could mean his room is perhaps isolated away from everything else-

-He's locked in the tallest tower!

Wait. Does this castle even have towers?

She thought back to her many escorts through the corridors on her first two days. Many of the princes tended to steer her away from the upper floors of the west wing. Those were the only clues she had to go with, so that's where she decided to start. If it turned out that she couldn't find Hans, then at least she could get her mind off her misery by exploring uncharted parts of the castle, and in the morning she would demand to be taken to Hans just to ream him out.

Because Queen's privilege dictated such. So she would tell herself.

Anna covered her mouth to stiffen a yawn as she went up another set of stairs. This time, she was met with a closed set of double doors at the top instead of an open hallway.

This is new…. She tested the doorknobs. They turned easily and she immediately crossed the threshold. Sconces on the walls were lit, brighter than some of the other corridors she's been through earlier. The walls were a lot more decorated, too. Scattered between sconces were beautiful paintings. A bright moon on a starry sky, a castle's garden wall covered in wisteria, a lighthouse against the water. She stopped to admire a waterfall canvas. Her eyes were mesmerized by the way the water was represented in different colors and brush strokes. It was as if she could envision the movement as it flowed down the cliffside, and the beautiful rainbow-like sparkle of light reflecting off the droplets.

Her head tilted curiously as she got a closer look. There was something oddly familiar about this waterfall. And what was that near the bottom of the painting? A tiny stone pathway? Suddenly she gasped and her eyes widened. This was no ordinary waterfall. This was Arendelle's waterfall. A quick glance at some of the other pieces showed them to be Arendellian recreations as well. An unfamiliar eye would only see beautiful landscapes, but she knew better. Her heart started to thump harder in her chest. There was only one person in this family who had seen all of those places. Only one person who had been to Arendelle.

This was Hans' corridor. She found him.

Her pace quickened down the hall until she found a lone door at the end. Now that she was finally here, she hesitated at the doorknob. Part of her was rather nervous about barging into his room in the middle of the night. The other part of her was scared that the door was actually locked.

He promised me. She told herself over and over. It'll open. It has to.The knob turned, and she let out a sigh of relief.

Hans' chambers were larger than she anticipated. She walked into what appeared to be a sitting room. By the large, unlit fireplace there was a sofa and a set of chairs. On the far end was a large bay window with a padded bench seat, and staged near it was a wooden stool and painting easel partially covered with a cloth. That confirmed her suspicions that the artwork hanging in the corridor was painted by Hans himself. She had no idea he was so talented. It left her intrigued, and if she got the chance or remembered, she would have to ask about it, and any other potential hobbies he might have.

There was an adjoining room off to the side. That's where the source of light in the room came from and she crept to the doorway. Her cheeks instantly reddened. This was his bedroom. This fireplace was well lit and it gave the room a wonderfully warm glow. Her eyes instantly gravitated to the bed. She could see a mass under the blankets. He was sound asleep.

Anna was frozen in place. Should she knock on the doorframe? Would he hear her? Or should she dare approach the bed? Just standing there felt like such an invasion of his privacy. Oh, if Elsa were around to find out about this-

Elsa….

Her jaw quivered at the sudden remembrance of why she was here in the first place. She didn't wander all this way just to stare at him while he slept. She was a queen, not a creep.

Anna swallowed down the nerves holding her back and quietly approached his bedside. He was sleeping on his back. His head was turned away from her, and one of his arms was propped against the many pillows behind his head. He looked so peaceful. It would be a real shame to disturb him.

Clearly I have no shame, or I wouldn't be here in the first place.

Her trembling hand reached out to gently nudge his shoulder. "H-Hans?"

He let out a groan at being disturbed, and his eyes fluttered open soon after. They scanned about to see who woke him, and they immediately widened and he struggled to sit up as soon as he caught sight of her.

"Anna?"

"Um, hi…"

"What are you doing here?" He asked and rubbed some sleep from his eyes. "It's late."

A wave of hurt and guilt suddenly coursed through her and she took a step back. Now wasn't the time to doubt herself and her intentions. He was just tired. He meant no offense. Her hands found the tie of her robe and started fumbling with the string between her fingers. "I… I can't sleep."

A half-smile formed on his face. "I know we had a rather… emotional reunion a few days ago, but I'm sorry to have gotten your hopes up. You can't come to bed with me."

Her cheeks turned bright red. He was teasing her. He had to be. There was no way anything in his right mind would make him think she desired a real intimate encounter with him, especially with their history.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that." Anna said in her best queenly voice. Oh, if only she had a pillow in her hands. What a perfect opportunity this would have been to swat him hard in the face.

"And I'm going to pretend that you didn't just take me seriously."

"...you said I could come to you if I needed you." She said, deciding it was best if she got right to the point of her visit before his cheeky self said something else to set her off.

Hans leaned back against his pillows and sighed. "I did say that," he nodded, "I suppose I just didn't expect you to take me up on my offer in the middle of the night."

Her arms hugged close to her chest and started to turn away. There was plenty of hurt in her voice. "If it's really a bother to you, I'll go-"

"NO." he waved his hands about. "It's alright. If… if you're seeking me out, then you need me. I'm hardly in the position to refuse a queen."

She tried to force a smile as she glanced back towards him. It didn't work so well. "Thank you."

Hans hesitated in pushing the blankets off him. His eyes even shifted between her and the doorway to the next room. "Perhaps… you could wait out there for a moment? I'll make myself slightly more presentable."

Anna glanced down at her own nightdress and robe. "Right…" she gave a quick nod and scampered back to the sitting room. From the other side of the wall, she could hear him groan and move about. She made sure to stay on the opposite end by the window. She perched herself on the padded bench and glanced outside. Hans had a lovely view of the grounds, from what she could make out in the dark. Now that she knew where he hid out during the day, she could make it a point to stop by for a better look.

"Oh, there you are." Hans' voice broke the silence a few minutes later. When she turned to him, she could immediately feel her cheeks reddening. He stood there in just his linen shirt tucked into a pair of brown trousers held up with suspenders. His collar was left unbuttoned and a bit skewed. Even his hair was still tousled from bed. He didn't seem to care. She did, though. He looked...well, she couldn't figure out the exact term to describe him, but the sight of him alone gave her a strange sense of warmth that she didn't want to have.

"That was fast."

He shrugged and approached her, stopping just a few feet away to not invade her space. "Well, with you in your bedclothes, I figured I didn't need to break out the formal attire." He clasped his hands behind his back, "so… what brings you to my humble abode?"

A smile lasted about a few seconds before she let out a deep sigh. "I've not had a great day. It's… painful. I guess I was hoping to just talk to someone. A… a friend."

Hans nodded and offered her to come closer to the fireplace. "Here, make yourself comfortable." He said as he tossed some kindling into the hearth. "You don't want to stay by the window at night, trust me. It's drafty."

He didn't need to tell her twice. In a flash, she was up and moving to the sofa. Upon sitting down, she kicked off her slippers and tucked her feet up under her nightdress and watched him build the fire. His shirt must have been well worn through, because it was thin enough that she could see the outline of his form against the fire- his arms especially in contrast to the loose, baggy sleeves. She quickly averted her gaze, and took the opportunity to glance around the rest of the room now that there was more light. His walls had some framed art hanging as well. A few small canvases and sketches scattered about, just enough to give the room a little bit of a personal touch. Aside from the artwork, there wasn't much else in the way of personal decor, just a sword rack leaning against a chest of drawers. She could almost see why he felt compelled to hide away here for the foreseeable future. It was a far more comfortable environment than she was imagining the other day.

"So…" Hans said softly as he sank down in one of the arm chairs across from her. "What's got my dear lady so upset?"

Anna bit her lip. What was there that didn't make her upset these days?

"...Elsa." She sighed. "Today is- was- her twenty-fifth birthday…"

"Oh…" He frowned. "I… I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must be."

Anna shook her head. "Twenty-five was supposed to be one of those big ones. Milestones, y'know? I started planning what to do the day after my birthday. It's been like a competition between us of who could outdo the other."

"I bet you threw marvelous parties."

Anna tried to smile. "I did, but Elsa always won out in the end." The smile faded. "It helped to have magic."

There was an uncomfortable silence between them for several minutes as Hans waited for her to continue. All she could manage to do, however, was close her eyes and droop her head down to her lap.

"This grief… it's a gravity that just pulls me down. I've felt it before. Six years ago, my parents were lost at sea. I had to bury them alone; grieve alone. Bear the burden of being orphaned alone. I never saw nor heard from Elsa once. She didn't even write me a note and slip it under her door. I really felt left behind." Her eyes fluttered open and she fidgeted with the outer edge of her robe, "After the summer thawed and things started to develop into this new, happier life, I thought the pain of my past was gone forever; that I'd never have to feel so lonely, so empty again.

"Anna-"

"-That's what loneliness is, you know. It's pure emptiness. And an empty life is not living. It's surviving. That was my life then. That's what it feels like now. Three, even six years gone by is not long enough time to forget."

"What happened?" He asked softly. "How did it happen?"

She glanced up at him with slightly widened eyes. They latched onto his soft green ones and for a moment, she wasn't sure if she should say for fear of reliving it all over again. But… that's what brought her here in the first place. To talk. To air her sorrows. To take away some of her burden.

"I'm not sure how much of this you'll really believe."

"Try me."

Anna shifted on the sofa. "Elsa was hearing voices. Not the crazy-mad-asylum kind, but like a magical one- a whisper in the winds. And then things started happening in the kingdom. Water stopped flowing. Fires stopped burning. And the winds became so localized and so strong that they pushed everyone out of the city"

"His brow furrowed in confusion. "Why?"

"The elements were manifested spirits from an enchanted forest north of the kingdom. They apparently had years old grievances to pay, and we learned that we had to go there not only to save Arendelle, but to understand what the voice wanted with Elsa." She let out a sigh. "It's a long story that I don't really feel like diving into completely, but the important thing was that it was going to be dangerous, and I had to practically beg Elsa to let me come along for support. She promised we would do everything together, and that we wouldn't leave each other's side."

"I get the feeling that's not what happened."

"As time went on, Elsa became more obsessed with the voice and how the spirits of the forest were interacting with her magic. I was starting to believe that she was forgetting the true goal- to save Arendelle. I stuck to her like glue to keep us on task, but with every passing hour it was growing more difficult. It got to the point where we reached an impasse. Just when I thought I was getting through to her, she sent me away and continued on alone." Her lips started quivering as she felt a wave of grief overcoming her. "I was so angry with her… and that's the last memory she had of me. Yelling at her. I… I never saw her alive again."

Anna tucked her legs up and pulled her nightdress over her feet. "Long story short, Arendelle is fine. Everyone is fine. But I'm not fine. Elsa's not fine. She's gone…. She died saving everyone. That's what everyone will see, and what they will remember. Elsa the Snow Queen. Elsa with the magic."

"What about you?"

Anna tried hard to keep control of her voice as it cracked in and out. "She was always 'just Elsa' to me. My sister. Yes, she had magic, but it didn't define who she was. It was a special gift. It didn't consume every aspect of her life. And I think that's what really hurts. I just miss her. Really miss her." She continued after a brief period of silence, "Her magic still played a part of her identity. It's like there's no trace of her left. Her ice palace, Olaf, Marshy… even the frozen spires on top of my castle, every residual piece of her magic is gone."

"Do you know what makes me saddest? I mean, besides her absence. I don't even know if she ever found out the truth about her magic, about the voice she so desperately sought. She appreciated the fun and beauty of what her magic could do, but I don't think it ever gave her peace. I think even to the end, the strength of her powers gave her so much anxiety. She was always secretly afraid of losing control. Elsa could never see herself the way I saw her. Strong and confident. Unique and special. And I sometimes can't help but think that she died without truly loving herself."

Hans straightened in his chair. "Do you really think so?"

Anna shrugged. "Deep down? I think so, but I'll never know for sure, now." With a sigh, she finally glanced up and stared at him with a frown.

"...what?" He eventually asked when her eyes wouldn't leave him.

Her hand moved to pat the seat beside her. "Sit with me?" She watched as he stood and crossed the open space to the sofa. Hans sat down and left a respectable few inches between them that didn't last more than a few seconds. Anna slid herself over to lean right up beside him and rest her head against his shoulder.

"I bet things would have been different if Elsa and I weren't separated as kids. Maybe… maybe if she was able to embrace her magic from the beginning, she would still be here." Her voice suddenly cracked, "I'd get another chance to tell her that I love her..."

Hans adjusted to wrap his arm around her shoulders. "You can't dwell on what could have been. Nothing can change what has happened. You just have to face the challenging road ahead with as much strength as you can."

"Strength? I'm not sure what that is, anymore." Her head nuzzled against him. "It's hard to feel strong when you're surrounded by people who think they can do your job better; who think they know what's best for you, for the kingdom; when you're walking through the city and hear whispers about you, on how things will either be better or worse because the Snow Queen is gone- yes, I've heard both sides." She sighed sadly, "You can't imagine what that's like."

"Well… not in a grief stricken sense, but you have met my family. I'm the devilish black sheep, remember?"

"...right."

"I do know what it's like to be critiqued for things beyond my control, most of the time quite wrongly."

"Do you know what it's like to have had everyone make decisions on your behalf for your entire life? Between my parents separating me and Elsa for my own protection, then Elsa ignoring me all those years… then the coronation and everything… and now? Because Elsa's gone, I'm forced into a position that I wasn't prepared for without a say. I think the only time I genuinely made a decision on my own with zero outside influence was when I chose you." She pulled her head back to glance up at his face. "You made me feel so wanted and loved, and you came just at the right time."

"Even that decision wasn't ultimately your own to keep." Hans pointed out, returning her gaze.

"No… I suppose not. But I chose you myself. That mattered a lot to me." Her brow furrowed. "Maybe it was all because I was never the best at making decisions. Clearly we didn't work."

"That had nothing to do with you. Everything wrong between us was ultimately my own doing."

Her brow furrowed as her mind started to think about what could have been. "Hans?"

"Hmm?"

"Would we have been happy?"

"Undoubtedly so."

Anna shook her head and readjusted her position so she could look about the room. "I appreciate you listening. About Elsa. It really means a lot to have a… a friend. A shoulder to cry on."

"It's the least I can do."

Her eyes landed on the covered easel and she barely managed a smile. "You're a painter?" She could feel him shifting against her to see where she was looking.

"My hobby. It makes for a good escape from the real world."

"You're very talented." She said. "I saw the ones in the corridor. They're beautiful."

"Thank you." He hesitated before continuing, "those are special. They're-"

"-Our night?" She finished for him.

Hans nodded. "They're you. Your favorite places. Like I said before, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. That day, that night, was the best of my entire life. I wanted to preserve it. I needed a physical reminder of everything you were to me."

"But you also said that I broke you."

"It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't change my feelings. Gazing upon them will always remind me of us, what I had, and what I lost."

Anna frowned. "Will you ever stop punishing yourself?"

"I doubt it."

Anna sighed and glanced to his hand as it rubbed up and down her arm. Soon, the only sounds in the room came from the crackling fire.

"Anna?" His voice sounded a bit nervous as it broke the silence.

"Yes?"

"...Will you ever forgive me for what I've done?"

The question caught her off guard. She straightened up slightly to get a look at his face. There was a strange expression staring back at her. It was painful, and yet in a way, hopeful too.

I think he wants this pain to end just like I do. We're both just grieving over different things.

Still, his question rendered her speechless. Their history was complicated. He didn't just hurt her feelings, he tried to kill Elsa, too. In the beginning, she had always told herself that what he did was unforgivable. But as time went on and she heard different perspectives of what happened during the frozen summer, she slowly came to realize that the decision to try and end her sister's life was not necessarily an invalid one- if he were acting on behalf of the kingdom's preservation. It was possible that his course of action could have been the only viable way to stop the storm. It didn't make his actions right by her standards, but she could at least understand why.

As for breaking her heart, what good was a true love's kiss if the love wasn't true to begin with? What did she even know about love? She was a naiive eighteen-year-old girl who only knew of the real world for a few days. Her ideas of love and marriage came from fairytales and fables. And Hans.. if he never experienced someone loving him before, how could he possibly know what true love was in the first place? How could he ever have anticipated her truly desiring him? The manner in which he rejected her was rather appalling, but in the end she couldn't really blame him for dishing out a harsh dose of reality to a silly, desperate girl who already didn't have a real chance of surviving.

Her true change of heart on the subject of Hans and his misdeeds were never discussed aloud. She knew Elsa had never forgiven him. And Kristoff, well... she'd rather not dwell on his opinions of Hans.

"Hans…I…" she whispered, "I already have. A long time ago."

His eyes suddenly lit up in a way that she hadn't seen since the moment he proposed to her years prior. And what was that in the corner of his eyes? Her eyes softened at the sight of a single tear sliding down his cheek.

"Oh Anna…" he choked out, struggling to maintain a calm composure. "You… you have no idea what that means to me."

Anna reached up to wipe the tear drop with her thumb. "I hope it means you can learn to forgive yourself."

A weak smile crept across his face as he turned his head to lean into her palm. "Perhaps one day."

"I hope so." She released him and went to lean back against his side when he suddenly stood up from the sofa and caused her to fall onto her side. "H-hey!" Her jaw dropped when he retreated into his bedroom a moment. She peered over the back of the sofa as she waited for him to return. When he reemerged, he held a decent size blanket in his hands. It got tossed to the empty side of the sofa as he moved to the door. "W-wait! Where are you going?"

"To get us some cocoa. It'll help you feel better. Go ahead and get warm. I'll be right back."

"But-" she reached for the blanket, but he was out the door before she could further protest. While she waited, she cocooned herself in the throw and watched the flames flicker back and forth. Talking through some of her issues did seem to help take some of her stress away. She told him some things that she had never told anyone, not even General Mattias. At home, she was expected to grieve but also behave like the queen everyone expected her to be. She couldn't do that. She could never be one to hide away her emotions as well as Elsa could. And she certainly couldn't let her guard down here, not with so many princes around every corner waiting to catch her in a bad way. But here, with Hans, she wasn't Queen Anna. She was just Anna. So much pressure was lifted off her shoulders the instant they sat down to talk. She wished she could feel this free all the time.

Hans returned a short time later with two steaming mugs in his hands. She didn't ask how he managed that so quickly. In a way, she didn't care. She was warm. She had cocoa. Nothing else mattered.

Well, and Hans. He mattered, too.

"Now…" he said softly as he resettled back down beside her and handed off her drink, "It's Elsa's birthday. I can't think of a better way to honor her than to remember all of your happy times together. So… tell me everything."

"E-everything?" She asked as she cradled the mug in her hands. She could smell the chocolate. Warm and delicious. Yes, this would definitely hit the spot. She gave a small half-smile as she let the steam tickle her nose. "There's kind-of a lot in three years, y'know."

"That's okay." Hans reassured her and gently tapped his mug against hers. "We've got all night."