An air of confidence and sensuality flows out from me everywhere I go outside of the walls of my room, a forced smile here and a playful suggestion there to stop them from seeing the real me. It always comes so easy to me this shield that I put up; but on the inside I am crying out for someone to see how much I am hurting, how much I want to be loved for who I really am and not what I could do for them. I hardly even know who I truly am anymore, all my life and afterlife I have been repressed and told how to act, think and feel. Who am I? I am a shadow of the man called Angel Dust, that much I know is true; after all these years I have suffered in silence without someone to help me through this. Yes Cherri sits with me when I break down from time to time but not even she knows how deep this well of insecurity and broken emptiness reaches. I gave it all up; everything that had once brought me joy, maybe one day I can go back to the man I was before but I know if I continue on this path I can't. Valentino would kill me the moment I stepped foot through the doors, I would almost welcome it at this point even if it was just for a short amount of time it would be nice to just not exist anymore to not be me for a day or two.
I don't matter in the end I realize that I never have, My own family were ashamed of me and sent me away to a mental hospital thus after a procedure gone wrong I over dosed and died and Valentino used my body for his own gain after I died to satisfy his lust and his greed. More often than not my nights were spent silently crying while holding onto Fat Nuggets praying that I wouldn't wake anyone, while at the same time hoping that someone would save me from myself. The worst part of it all is the one who I wished would take notice the most is the last one who would be caught in my room late at night to comfort me as I cried. Many times I called out his name into the night my heart shattering a little more with every tear that fell onto my pillow, one for every rejection and for every hardship I had endured throughout my existence. Alastor The Radio Demon my unwitting knight in blood stained armor why can't you see inside of me like you do with everyone else do I repulse you that much? Is it so hard for you to see Angel Dust, the real Angel Dust, the man who is madly in love with you and the man who deeply regrets most of the choices he has made both in life and in death.
I hate myself, for losing who I am, for not being able to tell him how I feel and for the looks of disgust and lust that greet me everywhere I go. The dam that had been holding me together allowing me to keep my composure was getting dangerously close to breaking, I don't know how much more I can possibly take and yet I find myself no longer caring. Grabbing my Hell phone I plug in my headphones and slip them onto my head and press play, soon a song in a beautiful language that I do not understand fills the quiet void of the night and my chest aches while I feel that familiar burn in my eyes. I discovered the song while still working for Val when one of the girls Bijou was listening to it and she translated it for me. The songs lyrics resonated deep within my soul even to this day months later and finally I let free all of my anguish no longer caring who heard me this late at night. I sobbed loudly only for it to be broken up by the odd hiccup that often came with a good cry, I was glad my makeup was high end and water proof because I was sure I looked like a mess at this point.
Quietly I heard my bedroom door open but I refused to look up to see who it was entering, the lone intruder sat down next to me and wrapped a stiff but strong pair of arms around me as I turned my face towards them and buried my face in to the soft silk of their night shirt wailing as I was rocked gently by the person holding me close to their heart. "Shh Mon Ange I am here now, it will be ok." Alastor whispered gently almost like I would break in his grasp if he were to be any louder and for once in my entire existence I believed that maybe it would be alright even just for a little while.