Alive
Eren's mind is hazy. The world around her slips in and out of focus. She's aware of Mikasa and Armin on either side of herself, cups in hand, amber liquid sloshing with every clumsy, drunken movement. Across from her, Sasha raises her glass above her head, nearly spilling her drink all over herself and Connie. Jean is attempting to stop Sasha from causing another spill. His cheeks are flushed a deep rose color and he teeters as he reaches for Sasha's glass.
In this moment, Eren thinks that she feels alive. She doesn't quite know. She hasn't felt alive in a long time. She doesn't remember what living is supposed to feel like. For the last four years, all it's been is a steady heartbeat, forcing blood to pump through her body. Going through the motions. Numbness envelops her every motion. It is the only way she could stand what she needs to do.
It is the only way to stand what she has already done.
Slowly, the group begins to quiet. The laughter dies out as everyone falls asleep. Eren's heart pings with feelings of nostalgia for their days as cadets. Everything was so simple back then, though she hadn't realized it at the time. Life was simple and she could breathe. She had Mikasa and Armin by her side, Jean to antagonize her and love her all the same, Sasha and Connie to pull laughter from the pit of her stomach with their antics, Reiner's leadership like the older brother she never had (or does have, but doesn't really know besides the memories that her father has left her). The feeling creeps from her chest through her entire body, holding tight. It tries to ground her for the first time in years, pulling her back to earth and pinning her to this very spot. No one else knows of her plan and she could turn away from it and stay, but she knows that outcome won't be what she wishes for despite the aching that is present in every cell of her body.
She glances up from her now emptied glass. Her eyes meet Jean's. The dusting of pink on his cheeks has since faded and looks at her with a dazed expression dancing across his face.
"Eren," he says, his voice hardly above a whisper. The others were passed out around them and Eren thinks in the back of her mind that speaking in hushed tones isn't necessary; they're too drunk to wake up yet.
Eren stands. She doesn't wobble too much. She thinks she's okay at handling her alcohol, or maybe it is the numbness that saved her turning into a blithering idiot. She carefully tiptoes around her passed out friends. She doesn't have to check to know that Jean is following her.
The night air in Marley is cool with a low fog settling in the distance. The stars shine brightly, though it's not that same as it is on Paradis. Light pollution dims the nighttime sky's natural beauty. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Jean standing next to her, his eyes also cast upward.
The silence between them is broken when Jean speaks. "What are you going to do?" he asks.
"I don't know what you mean," Eren replies, keeping her voice even and eyes trained on the stars.
"I know you're planning something. I think you are, at least."
Eren doesn't answer. It wasn't a question.
"Where did you go?"
If a passerby was listening, they would think Jean was asking about her physical whereabouts. But she knows that's not what he means. She's been absent for four years. Jean had stopped trying to reach her two years ago. She thinks that he'd given up on her ever being the real Eren again. She had, too.
"I never left," she says. They both know it's a lie.
"Your eyes gave it away before anything else," he states. He still hasn't looked at her. He stares straight ahead. "You used to get so angry. So frustrated. So annoyed. You were passionate. Even when you tried to hide it, your eyes gave it away. They're dead now. You have no light left. Your eyes don't tell me the words you won't speak anymore."
Eren heaves a heavy sigh. "I'm not dead, though. I'm right here." Am I, though? Am I here?
"You're not here."
Eren swallows. She turns to face him. He hesitates for a moment, sensing her movement, but eventually follows suit. Cautiously, she closes the gap between them, circling her arms around his neck, her eyes boring into his. "I'm right here," she says, voice low.
Jean lets out a sigh now, but his arms wrap around Eren's waist anyways. "You're here now," he says.
She raises to her tip toes, inching their faces closer together. It's been a long time since they've been this close. Eren had stopped coming near him long ago. His touch pulled the numbness from her body and she didn't know how to live without feeling anymore. But, she figures, this is her last night and her last chance. She's felt this before, when she still felt the world with no hesitation or qualms. It's the way she felt before when Trost hit them like a bomb and the night before they left for Shiganshina. This time, though, it's by her own design.
Jean watches her closely. She feels the scrutiny of his gaze, but he doesn't say anything.
"Jean."
"What?"
"Kiss me."
And he does.
There's a finality to it. She knows it's the last time and somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows that he's aware of this fact, too.
When they break apart, Eren feels that her lashes are wet. She blinks. Tears streak down her face and she can't help the surprise that must break through her typically shielded expression.
Jean wipes the tears away with his thumb. "When was the last time you cried?"
Eren shrugs, trying to force the numbness to return. "I don't remember."
No more tears fall and they remain hooked together a few moments longer. Eventually, Jean drops his arms, freeing her from his grasp. "Let's go back to the tent," he says, turning on his heel and walking away without checking that she's following.
Eren lingers behind for a moment, staring at the spot Jean had been standing. Then, she follows him back to the tent.