AN: I want to preface this chapter, and the rest of the story, by admitting that I do actually like Kakashi. He's one of my favorite characters. However I know there are many who don't, and I've never actually TRIED to write him from the completely negligent and useless to everyone but Sasuke due to needless and pointless favoritism, so I'm doing it for a change of pace just to see if I can.

Kakashi is far from the only one who will be receiving this treatment, and there will be many beloved characters who I will be utterly savage in my portrayal of this go 'round. For those who will be butthurt, please check out one of my other stories which will almost certainly feature a more flattering depiction of whichever character it is you are butthurt on behalf of.

~or~

Why You Should Be Careful What You Say to Akaryu

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Chapter Three - Seven Years Later

Kakashi looked across at his students. There were three of them. The broody Uchiha that was Itachi-kun's little brother. He'd been quiet ever since the massacre. The Uchiha clan hadn't been completely eradicated thanks to Lord Third's directive to collect any and all viable reproductive fluids from the still warm bodies, but Sasuke was still doomed to forever more be the oldest living Uchiha in Konoha, and the little brother of the man who made him that way. It kind of reminded Kakashi of himself in a way, a lonely boy trying to live down his family's shame. Apparently the boy was a prodigy. Not surprising, Kakashi thought, Itachi-kun was GOOD.

His master's son, not that he knew that the resemblance was almost painful, was sitting with an excitedly enraptured grin on his face. How the boy had managed to make it into the program after the stunt he had pulled two nights earlier with the First's Scroll of Sealing and flunking the exam three years in a row, Kakashi wasn't entirely sure. He was pretty sure nobody else could make heads or tails of it either. The boy was reportedly dead last in everything. Bit like Obito… Kakashi mused, I wonder if he's as annoying as Obito? Taking another glance at the orange clad figure, Kakashi decided that he would definitely be every bit as annoying as Obito had been. Obito had been a downright pest when he was alive, but Kakashi would forever love him as a brother for the wonderful Sharingan he'd left him.

Last but not least was the pink haired girl with the shovel, mask, and cloak. Kakashi would've said boy from the distinctly masculine posture, but what boy had pink hair? The cloak was old and tattered, reminding Kakashi of many such cloaks he'd owned, and as the girl shifted Kakashi realized the clothes under the cloak were equally faded and nostalgic. Kakashi vaguely recalled Lord Third mentioning something about that one, but couldn't recall what it was.

"Ok then, why don't you introduce yourselves," Kakashi said after a moment, "One at a time."

The three blinked at him silently and after a moment Kakashi began to feel uncomfortable, "Okay, I guess I'll go first. I'm Kakashi Hatake. I don't really feel like telling you about my likes and dislikes…dreams for the future? Hmm…never really thought about it…hobbies? I have lots of hobbies…" He turned a dull gaze on Naruto, "Okay, you on the right, you go first."

Naruto launched into a spiel that boiled down to 'I love ramen' and 'I'm gonna be Hokage'. Kakashi nodded dismissively, "Okay, on the left?"

"Name's Akaryu," Akaryu replied, "I like some things, dislike others, dreams?" He made a face, "haven't got many, and hobbies…I need a hobby. Duck butt, your turn."

Sasuke glanced a glare at his pink haired teammate, "My name… is Sasuke Uchiha. I don't have many things I like but there are plenty of things I don't like. I don't have a dream because I will make it a reality. I'm going to destroy a certain someone." Ah he's even broody like me! Kakashi smiled internally, Hello surrogate son I never had!

Naruto looked vaguely creeped out Kakashi noticed, squeamish and cowardly, and Akaryu looked like he was sick of the introductions. Just rude, Kakashi thought.

He then proceeded to explain that there was another test the next morning, tried to spook them a little (maybe I can get Sasuke as a sole apprentice if the other two don't show!) and then disappeared.

Akaryu rose to his feet, "Well, he's a disappointment." He turned to leave, "You two coming?"

"Hn," Sasuke grunted and after resisting the urge to brain him with the shovel, Akaryu turned his gaze to Naruto, "How 'bout you?"

"Ummm…I think I'm gonna go get some ramen…" Naruto declared nervously, "Uh, I guess I'll see you guys in the morning."

==The Next Morning==

Sasuke and Naruto dragged themselves to the designated training spot, still nine tenths asleep. Akaryu was waiting for them, calmly beating a dent into an immense log. Every punch actually scooted the log backwards an inch or so as he counted, "two thirteen, two thirteen, two fourteen, two fourteen..." Naruto and Sasuke woke themselves up enough to watch in slight awe as Akaryu proceeded to drive the log across the clearing with his fists one inch at a time.

Then Akaryu stopped punching and squatted, grabbing the immense log in a bear hug before actually lifting it almost a foot off the ground, "ONE!" Akaryu growled with exertion before setting it back down, "TWO!" Ten times Akaryu lifted the log before reaching up and pulling himself up onto the top of it. Akaryu pulled a canteen from inside his cloak, "Morning lazies."

Sasuke grunted derisively and Naruto resisted the urge to cower a little. Akaryu's hands flashed through a sequence and began to glow. Akaryu ran his hands over every inch of himself he could reach and then leapt down light as a feather. He strode across the clearing to the tree and Naruto actually cringed as he saw what Akaryu was heading for: A simple, plain, unadorned shovel leaned against a tree. It had a steel spade head with a sturdy oak handle, and if one didn't notice the suspiciously sharpened edge, they'd never guess it to be anything more than a simple gardening implement.

The tension didn't leave Naruto's limbs until Akaryu had sat down, leaned against the nearest tree with his shovel over his shoulder. Then Akaryu pulled out a food pill before popping it straight through some unseen slit in his mask and down the hatch.

Sasuke looked at him flatly, "Sensei said not to eat or we'd throw up."

"Good thing there wasn't much to that then isn't it?" Akaryu replied calmly, "And it'll be on down my digestive tract before he gets here."

"He said for us to meet him here at seven!" Naruto protested, "It's like six forty five right now!"

"He's full of shit," Akaryu declared bluntly, "Kakashi the Copy-nin is infamous in his tardiness, and almost never gets out of bed before ten thirty. On the off chance I'm wrong and he's actually on time for once in his life, well. It's not like I've never thrown up before." He pulled out a scroll and brush and started writing.

Almost four hours later, Sasuke and Naruto were wishing they had listened to Akaryu as Kakashi finally showed up. They both shot him piercing glares and Akaryu smiled thinly behind his mask. Kakashi raised his hand to reveal two bells, "Okay, the test is simple. All you have to do is get these two bells from me." He raised his other hand to show them a small alarm clock, "This clock is set for noon. Whoever doesn't have a bell by noon fails and goes back to the academy. You'll have to come at me with intent to kill if you want to get the bells."

Akaryu rose to his feet, setting his scroll on the ground and his shovel lightly balanced on his shoulder with a loose grip, "Let's get to it then."

Sasuke frowned, "Why are there only two bells?"

Kakashi grinned, "Well I only packed three lunches. I'm not going to skip lunch, so somebody has to fail so I can eat lunch."

"Or we just kill you and get a new instructor who knows how to show up on time," Akaryu mused dryly from beneath the tree.

"I encourage you to try," Kakashi shot back condescendingly before tucking the bells into his belt, "Now then, three…two…one…GO!"

Suddenly the world shifted around him and with a quick hand sign Akaryu revealed what he had been writing on the scroll: Paper Bomb Seals, an entire scroll's worth. With an earthshaking BOOM the explosive scroll detonated right between Kakashi's legs. Sasuke and Naruto froze and then slowly turned to look at the remnants of the tree Akaryu had been sitting under and the circle of instant charcoal at the base of it. When the light faded from behind them, Akaryu turned and raised an eyebrow as he scowled, "That was way too easy…"

Then a heavily charred Kakashi fell out of the sky in the middle of the three genin-hopefuls. All three stared at what was left of their Jonin-sensei to be and then Akaryu reached over and poked him in the head with his shovel. "Are you dead yet?" Akaryu asked with the air of someone questioning whether their laundry was dry.

Kakashi was silent for several moments and then he coughed and started trying to push himself upright. His efforts were rewarded with Akaryu's shovel colliding fiercely with the back of his head and slamming him back to the ground, "DOGPILE!" Sasuke, Naruto and Akaryu immediately sat on the Jonin and Kakashi found himself with a kunai to his throat as Akaryu barked, "Get the bells!"

Kakashi felt the bells removed from his belt and then Naruto asked for one. Sasuke asked why he should and Akaryu replied that he'd cheerfully do to Sasuke double what he'd done to Kakashi if he didn't share. Kakashi groaned, "You know that if they each have a bell then you fail since there are only two right?"

Akaryu yanked up a large handful of Kakashi's hair, his knife flashed and Kakashi's head suddenly felt very cold. Akaryu waved a fist full of dirty silver hair in front of Kakashi's face, "I just kicked your ass and gave you an involuntary haircut. That's better than a bell. Besides, we're trading you in anyway. You're not nearly cool enough."

"You can't trade me in!" Kakashi declared, now starting to get very angry.

"No but I can detonate this," Akaryu replied as he stuck something onto Kakashi's now very bald head, "And if you protest or struggle too much, I will." Kakashi went very, very still. There was no hesitation or waver in Akaryu's voice at all. This kid was completely willing to carry out his threat.

"Tie him up," Akaryu ordered as he got up and laid the blade of his shovel to Kakashi's neck, "Then we'll drag him to the Hokage and request a better teacher."

Kakashi thought about protesting, or trying to fight it. Then he remembered that he hadn't wanted a genin team anyway.

==Half an Hour Later==

Hiruzen sat in a state of mild consternation as he looked across at the three fresh out of the academy rookies that had one of his most infamous and powerful jonin hogtied and looking rather more well done than medium-rare, as well as sporting a very large bald patch with a sticker labeling him LOSER right square in the middle of it. He looked at the infamously lazy jonin and then at Akaryu, then back at Kakashi, "So. You completely ignored my warning about Akaryu's berserk button I see."

"Nah," Akaryu replied immediately, "He tried to say after I had kicked his ass and given the two bells to my teammates that I'd fail anyway because they had the bells not me. I gave him a haircut, had Naruto and Sasuke tie him up, and now here we are requesting a better sensei. Multiple senseis if necessary, but this one is simply much much too lame."

Hiruzen blinked, "Too lame?"

"Anyone stupid enough to stand around where I can beat them this badly in less than a minute after telling me to come at them with intent to kill has no business being a shinobi," Akaryu declared as he jabbed a thumb at Kakashi, "let alone a teacher. Is he even a Jonin?"

Hiruzen sighed, "I think you know very well that he is Akaryu-kun. However," he added as he shot a scathing glare at Kakashi, "If he's too lazy to even read the dossier I gave him detailing your rather savage disposal of an experienced chunin turned traitor three days ago which would've warned him that you were more dangerous than your age would suggest, then I may need to reconsider his ranking. Did you read any of the dossiers I gave you on these three Kakashi?"

Kakashi tried to protest that he had, only for Hiruzen's mouth to curl into a very distinctly displeased frown at the blatant lie. "So Hatake-san…" Hiruzen said in a calm level tone that anyone could've understood to mean that he was seething on the inside, "On top of not reading the mission critical documents I personally handed you and instructed you to read, you are now lying to me, and were apparently completely ignoring me yesterday when I warned you what these three are capable of. Have I got all that right?"

Kakashi was now as pale as his hair and Akaryu took a pointed side step away from him to get out of the way of whatever hellish fury he could sense the Third Hokage was about to unleash upon the lazy copy-nin. "Kakashi Hatake, as Hokage of Konoha, I hereby remove you from active duty," Hiruzen declared sharply, "You will take no missions until otherwise notified and your rank and skills will be under review. You have done many good things for Konoha, but if this is how far you have fallen, then your services may soon be no longer required."

Kakashi looked utterly devastated, Akaryu was nodding in approval, Sasuke and Naruto looked stunned, and the Anbu's expressions were completely unreadable behind their masks. However, the way they fell out of their hiding places and jutsu was a bit telling. Hiruzen sighed, "Alright. Squad Seven needs a new leader." He sat back and thought about it for a moment, then, "Someone get Konan." He grinned, "I've got a job for her." And her good looks will be PERFECT for keeping Akaryu in line!

AN: Well…I kinda succeeded! I made a Kakashi that looks so useless that he got canned as Squad Seven's sensei before the end of the bell test! Kinda defeats the purpose of attempting to write a lame suck-ass Kakashi, buuut I really don't like such characters anyway. Now we get Konan-sensei-chan! YAY!