CHAPTER 20
"So, did she get the awesome care package yet?" Santana asked Finn as they entered the bar.
"Yep. Yesterday." Finn replied as they sat in their familiar booth.
"Did she love it?"
"Ooh, she loved it." Finn groaned, his face not quite happy.
"So, what's the problem?" Santana asked. Finn sighed.
"So, I was talking to Rach last night, and I should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for like an hour and a half. Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say. So we were talking and talking and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep!"
"Oh, Finnie boy!" Santana shook her head at him.
"I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a real bitch! Maybe it just can't be done." Finn stated. "I think it's clear what I have to do."
"It's pretty clear." Santana nodded. Her heart was in her throat. Could Finn finally be breaking up with that short, brunette freak and finally be with her?
"I have to go to Germany and surprise her!" He announced. Santana's heart dropped but she forced an insincere smile on her face.
"Totally what I was thinking!" Santana exclaimed. "Get out of my head, man!"
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"Puck, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?" Sam asked as he sat in Puck's office that day. Puck sighed.
"Sam, consider the penguins." He said. Sam furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
"The penguins?" He asked, confused.
"On the wall." Puck pointed to one of the motivational posters on his wall and Sam stood up and walked over to read it.
"Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." Sam read aloud and raised an eyebrow. "This is a motivational poster?"
"Look at yourself, Sam. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different." Puck stated. "Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or… you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier!"
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"Change your personality? That is so awful, and not at all motivational!" Quinn exclaimed as Sam was telling her the story later that day.
"Not necessarily." Sam replied. "Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realised that it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?"
"It sounds kinda like peer pressure." Quinn remarked.
"No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it." Sam said.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year." Quinn responded. Sam shook his head.
"I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure." Sam stated. Quinn sighed.
"All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?" Quinn lectured.
"Only when I'm drunk." Sam replied.
"Good boy."
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So, to fit in with the gorillas, Sam had to learn to act like a gorilla, and that meant gorilla lessons…
"Okay, I'm psyched about this!" Puck exclaimed as him and Sam sat at the bar later that day. "But, if I'm going to mentor you, I need to know you're psyched too."
"Oh, I am! I'm psyched!" Sam exclaimed.
"Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. Stand up." Puck demanded. Him and Sam got to their feet and Puck held one hand aloft. "Show it. Up high. Right here."
"I'm psyched!" Sam exclaimed, high fiving Puck pathetically softly. Puck raised an eyebrow.
"What was that? Harder!" Puck demanded. Sam did it again, slightly harder, and Puck shook his head. "Sam, I should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon."
"Wow, that was really specific." Sam commented.
"SHOW ME YOU'RE PSYCHED!" Puck bellowed, ignoring Sam's comment. Sam swung with all of his might and their two hands collided with a massive SLAP! "LET'S DO THIS!" Puck exclaimed. "OW! THAT HURT!"
So, for the rest of the night, Puck taught Sam the way of the gorillas. He taught him how to slip people cash with a discreet handshake. He taught him all of the stories. All of the would you rathers. Everything. The next morning, Sam walked into work and he began to tell his rehearsed story in the breakroom…
"So, dude, check it." Sam drawled. "I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, 'Yo, Evans, let's roll to the strip clubs.' So I'm like Snapadoo! So we find this choice nude nest near the airport…"
Five utterly disgusting and offensive minutes later…
"And that is when the bouncer kicked us out." Sam finished. "Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, brah."
"Evans…" Bilson started after Sam had finished his story. "That was steak sauce!"
Sam got high fived by every single person in the division. He was finally respected. Finally one of them.
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The next morning, Finn was about to buy his ticket to Germany when he got a text…
"Hey, Finn, sorry I missed your call last night. This long-distance thing sucks, huh? Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight. I'll call you at 11. Rachel." Santana read the message aloud when Finn passed her his phone with a worried look on his face. "So?"
"She's going to dump me!" Finn exclaimed. "Has anyone ever said, 'listen, I've been thinking,' and then follow it up with something good? It's not like: Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. What else can it be? What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in a text?"
"I cut off all my fingers?" Santana joked. Finn looked down and chuckled. "Look, Finn, you're a great guy. I know it, you know it, she knows it. I would bet you a gazillion dollars… no, I'm even more confident. I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to dump you."
"Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy." Finn said. "So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?"
"I'd wait." Santana replied. Finn glared at her.
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That afternoon, Quinn and Sam were in the apartment. Quinn was painting a canvas and Sam was on the phone with Blauman.
"'Sup Blauman. E-Bomb here." Sam said into the phone. Quinn scowled as she heard her fiance speak in such an undignified manner. "We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your ears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet."
Sam hung up the phone moments later and Quinn walked over to him, her finished painting in hand.
"So… what do you think?" She asked. Sam looked at it and grinned.
"Steak sauce!" He replied. Quinn frowned.
"Steak sauce?" She asked.
"Yeah." Sam nodded. Quinn sighed.
"Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here." Quinn pleaded.
"Quinn, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-..." Sam started but Quinn interrupted him.
"No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and throwing feces! I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office."
"Why?" Sam demanded.
"Because you're acting like one of those guys and those guys are lame." Quinn declared.
"Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, but they're actually good guys, and if you got to know them, then you would see that. Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see how totally not that lame they are, okay?"
"Okay."
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2 hours later…
"But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? Angelina Jolie… wait, in a wheelchair. What do you do? Go!"
Sam, Puck, Quinn, Bilson and Blauman were sitting in the karaoke bar and Quinn was getting increasingly uncomfortable as Bilson spoke.
"Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms, any day of the week!" Blauman replied. Quinn leaned in to speak quietly to her fiance.
"You're right. They're delightful." Quinn muttered through gritted teeth. Sam sighed and turned to Puck.
"So, Puck, you gonna sing anything?" Sam asked. Puck scoffed.
"Nah. I'm so over karaoke." He replied. Sam raised an eyebrow.
"Really? I thought you'd be totally into it."
"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really. But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard."
"Oh, baby, they have our song." Quinn said, pointing to one of the songs in the book. "Let's do 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart.'"
"What?" Bilson remarked as he heard them. "No way. You got to go with some Black Sabbath!"
"Well, actually, Sam and I have this little dance routine we do and…"
"Iron Man!" Sam interrupted. "I could do Iron Man!"
"Steak sauce!" Bilson and Blauman exclaimed. "Should we tell him?" Bilson asked. Blauman nodded. "All right, Evans, I've got some good news. On Monday, Blauman and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. When you graduate, we want you working with us. What do you say?"
Quinn's eyes widened and she looked at her fiance. Sam shot her an apologetic look and grinned.
"Yes!" He exclaimed. Blauman and Bilson cheered, but Quinn was NOT happy. She stood up and stormed to the other end of the bar. Sam walked over to her moments later.
"Okay, that was gross." Quinn spat. "When were you going to tell me you changed your entire career path?"
"Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment. I just thought that maybe I could make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment. Send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting. I know that you say you don't need it, but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package." Sam stated, thinking back to his conversation with Puck from a couple of days ago.
"The package?!" Quinn said in shock. "You've already given me the package! You've got a great package, Sam! I love your package!"
"Quinn, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package."
"Your package has always been big enough! You may not realise this, Sam Evans, but you've got a huge package!" Quinn snapped and she stormed away. When she was gone, a lady at the bar tapped Sam on the shoulder, a seductive look on her face. Sam then realised what the conversation sounded like. He shook his head and walked away.
Meanwhile, across the city, Santana was preparing to go on the air when her phone suddenly rang.
"Hello." She answered it.
"Why hasn't she called yet?" Finn demanded.
"Okay, you're making yourself crazy." Santana said. "It's Saturday night. Go out and do something."
"No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend… for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch your channel? I'm like half your viewership."
"I'm flattered you think we have two viewers." Santana chuckled. "She's not going to break up with you, Finn. You're awesome."
"Thanks." Finn replied. "Anyway, it's almost 11. I should let you go. Break a leg."
And so, as he sat at home, waiting for the phone to ring, something occurred to him. He was actually sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring.
Half an hour later, Finn was dressed up and he walked into the karaoke bar, where Puck was singing. He grinned as he watched his friend sing. He then saw Sam sitting at the bar, alone, and he walked over to him.
"Sam." He said, sitting down next to him.
"Hey." Sam said.
"Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month!" Finn exclaimed.
"Yeah." Sam nodded in realisation. "How you doing?"
"I think Rachel's about to break up with me." Finn said. Sam sighed.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry, buddy."
"Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. Like I remember how she makes me feel. I just… I don't completely remember her. It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone."
"Preserving something that's already gone. Sounds like environmental law." Sam remarked. Finn chuckled.
"I don't know, man. We struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. And that's really noble. 8But even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are you going to park your car?"
Sam nodded and looked across the bar and saw Quinn, sitting alone in the corner, near tears.
"I need to go." Sam said. He then walked over to the front of the bar where he whispered something to the man manning the karaoke speaker. The man smiled and nodded and a moment later, the music suddenly stopped and Puck glared at him.
"Uh, rockupied. Dude, what…?"
Sam whispered something in his ear and Puck sighed and nodded, walking off stage. A moment later, the backing track to Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Quinn smiled widely at him and walked on stage to join him. It turned out some things are worth preserving. But here's the real question: It's 2 am. Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early because you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany, who was supposed to call 4 hours ago. And then, the phone rings.
"Hello." Finn answered it.
"Hi, Finn. It's Santana. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?"
What do you do? Go!
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