It's finally happening!
"Hey," Jay answered his phone on the first ring, "She just left with Jenna O'Donnell for the visit."
"I'm freaking out," Erin said honestly, pacing back and forth around her rented living room, "I just don't know what Bunny is going to say, what she's going to do, if she's even going to show up because I used to get left at school like all the time and-"
"You want to come by for dinner?" He suggested, glancing down at his watch. Dinner was in a few hours, but he knew his former partner, and she needed a friend. And he wouldn't mind the company, especially if it was Erin. "Or come over now, we can wait for her together."
"Really?" Erin stopped pacing, "You don't have better things to do?"
"I could use some company," he said honestly, looking around the empty apartment. Piper had been gone less than ten minutes, and he was at a loss for what to do.
"I'll be there in like five," Erin exhaled, "Thank you."
When she arrived less than five minutes later, Jay had to chuckle. It was sheer coincidence that she picked a short term rental two doors down from him, but it just went to show how similar their tastes could be. "I'm sorry," were the first words off her lips when Jay pulled open the door.
"Why are you sorry?" Jay asked, stepping aside so his former partner could enter the apartment.
"I'm always in your hair," she sighed, kicking off her shoes and leaving them in a heap next to Jay's, which were lined up as usual. Some things never change. "I-I've been back a week now and I'm always bothering you and-"
"Erin," he cut her off, "Stop worrying about it, seriously." He gave a crooked smile, "I like having you here."
She exhaled, her shoulders drooping immediately, "I um, I like being here." She raked her hand through her hair, "Guess it runs in the family."
Jay chuckled, "You want a beer?"
"Please." Erin padded behind him to the kitchen and gratefully accepted one of the two cold beverages he removed from the fridge. "How'd she do?"
"It wasn't a great day," Jay said honestly, sitting in one of the breakfast stools sideways so he could face his ex, "I actually wasn't at the district much, which wasn't ideal given how nervous she was today." He rubbed his cheek, "I felt so bad."
Erin's gaze softened. "I'm sure she knows it wasn't your fault that you had to work."
"I know," Jay nodded and took a sip, "I just felt guilty, you know?"
She nodded, knowing exactly how he was feeling. "I've been feeling that a lot lately." Erin took a breath when Jay didn't say anything, "Just knowing what she went through. The multiple foster homes. Abuse. Neglect." She swallowed, "Yesterday, um, when you were in the shower, she said something to me that I just haven't been able to get out of my head."
"Yeah?" He raised his eyebrows and took another sip.
Erin exhaled. "I told her that um, sometimes I get scared too. And it's true, I do. Sometimes, like, I'll smell something or hear something and it will just transport me back to my other life. The life before Hank and Camille and Justin, back when it was just Bunny and Charlie and drugs and booze." Erin shuddered at the memory, and Jay grimaced. He hated thinking about all Erin had been through.
"But then she told me that whenever she'd go to another foster home, she always knew if the kids there had been hit." She sucked in a breath, "She said that um, those kids looked different." Erin rubbed the label on the bottle of beer with her thumb, "And she said, when she first met me, she knew it happened to me too." She didn't meet Jay's gaze, because she knew it was going to break her. "I um, I never told anyone about it. Not Hank or Camille, um, not even you. And somehow she just knew and I just felt like it was all my fault."
"Erin," Jay breathed after her words suspended in the air, "It isn't your fault. You didn't know."
"Rationally, I know that," she insisted, still staring at the label of her beer that was slowly peeling off, "I know that I didn't know about her. But it just hurts to know that she went through what I went through. But probably worse."
"It isn't fair," he mused, reaching across the counter top to place his hand on Erin's, "What both of you have been through, what you're going through now."
She sniffed and nodded. "That wasn't the worst part," Erin murmured, lifting her tear filled gaze to finally meet Jay's, "Everything she said has been rattling around in my head and my chest just hurts but what's killing me is that she said she saw the same thing in your eyes when she first met you too." A stray tear trickled down her cheek, "A-and it just made me realize how much you were there for me and how I wasn't there for you. When you needed me."
Jay was taken aback. First, the fact that Piper knew some of the deepest depths of his childhood without him ever mentioning it, and second, that Erin felt like she wasn't there for him. He shook his head, "You tried to be there for me, Er. I know you did. But I didn't let you in. I didn't want to drag you down with me."
"I could have fought harder," she insisted, "I-I could have stopped you, I know I could have but I didn't." Her voice cracked, "Jay, I have spent every day of the last year just kicking myself for letting you walk out that apartment door when you needed me the most."
He shook his head again, "I let you leave too," he whispered, stroking her slender fingers with his, "I pushed you away and when I tried to get you back, you were already gone."
Erin wiped her cheek. "I-I couldn't stay. They were gonna take my badge and the FBI was after Bunny. They said that in exchange for keeping her out of federal prison, I could come work for them. Clean slate." She brought her hand to her forehead, "My whole life, I tried to protect my mom. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't always her fault, that she was sick, that she was trapped in these bad choices. I took the blows, I put myself in between her and those drugged up low-lifes who hit her just because she was my mom, I literally got picked up for solicitation just so I could get her a fix and I threw my career down the tubes to protect her and now…" Erin trailed off as Jay processed Erin's story, "Now I come back to Chicago only to find out that she hasn't changed and that she spent the last nine years denying the fact that she gave birth to another child with the same man who is my biological father."
Jay was quiet for a moment. "I'm so sorry," he said finally. "I wish, I mean I wish I had known, I wish I could have helped or-"
"You always knew about her," Erin interrupted, "You always told me how she was trying to bring me down, you and Hank tried to tell me but I just didn't listen. I always pushed you away instead of her."
Across town, Piper was practically vibrating with anxiety as Jenna O'Donnell walked next to her toward the building where Bunny was to have moderated family visitation. "I'll be right outside, and will be in to check on you throughout the hour," Jenna informed Piper, "The judge trusts your mom, and she's been told that I'll be right outside as well."
Piper was silent as they entered the building and headed down the hallway toward the family visitation room. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest when Jenna pushed open the door, revealing the woman who had given her up.
"Hi, honey," Bunny's voice was slippery as she bent down slightly and waved to Piper, "Gosh, look at you. You're so grown up."
Piper steeled her gaze as the social worker placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. The little girl was rigid, rooted in place as Bunny looked up at Jenna O'Donnell. "Can she speak?" Bunny asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Yes," Piper managed coolly, clearing her throat, "I just don't know what to say." She looked up to Jenna, "I-I changed my mind about coming here. I want to go back to Jay's."
"Just wait a minute, sweetheart," Bunny tried, advancing closer to the child. Piper stiffened further, "We only have an hour or so to get to know each other. And I know you're a little nervous, but this is what the judge said was alright." She shot a look to Jenna, "I get an hour with my daughter. Alone."
Jenna nodded. As a social worker, she knew the judge's ruling meant Bunny was entitled to time with the child, but leaving kids in situations that made them uncomfortable never felt good. "I'm just going to be in the next room, okay Piper?"
"I-I really want to go," she whispered pleadingly, "Please."
"I know you do." Jenna sank down to meet Piper's worried gaze, "Just an hour, and then you'll be back with Detective Halstead, alright? I know this is difficult. But I can give him a call to check in, tell him that you're looking forward to dinner, and excited to watch the game tonight, right?"
Piper managed a tiny nod, "You'll be close?"
"Next door," Jenna confirmed, "You and your mom can get to know each other a bit better, okay?"
"Thank you," Bunny said and gave a wave, indicating that she wanted the social worker to leave. When Jenna rose and headed for the door, Piper's whole body tensed up. She was alone, with a woman she'd never met. The same woman who gave her up. "I just want to get to know you, Piper, that's all." She gave a wide smile, "I was thinking we could sit at that table over there?"
Piper was silent, but approached the table, careful to leave as much space between her mother and herself as possible. "I can't believe you're nine years old," Bunny mused, "It feels like it was just yesterday you were arriving into this world."
The little girl narrowed her eyes but didn't respond. "You were such a tiny little baby," Bunny continued, "The smallest baby I had. Teddy was probably the biggest. Did Erin tell you about him?"
"My brother?" Piper said dryly, "Yes."
"He was such a good little boy," the older woman rambled, "Never caused me any trouble. Your sister on the other hand, she was a handful. Always climbing around, getting into things."
"Guess you wouldn't know what I was like as a baby," Piper quipped, "Since you weren't there."
Bunny swallowed at the child's cold statement. "You're right. I don't know what you were like, but I am trying to get to know you now. I know I haven't always been there for you, and I'm sorry about that, but we have some time to get to know each other, and I'd really like you to try."
Piper exhaled and gave a curt nod. "Fine."
"Good," Bunny said brightly, "You've been spending time with Jay Halstead, hm?"
She nodded. "He found me after I got left in a house by a bunch of drug dealers," Piper informed her mother, "Said I could stay with him so I didn't have go back into foster care, again." She paused, "I was in foster care my whole life, actually."
"He's a good man," Bunny mused, ignoring Piper's comment, "Shame about him and Erin though. They were good together."
"What do you mean?" Piper felt her heart suddenly start beating quicker. "They were partners."
"And living together," she snorted, "What, they didn't tell you that?"
Piper didn't say anything. "Oh, that is rich," Bunny chuckled, "Erin and Jay were partners, but then they were dating and living together, until Jay had some monumental freak out and moved in with his brother. I'm surprised Erin held it together, because he really pulled her out of some dark times. I mean, she was on the outs with work, with everyone, especially after she got her little friend killed. The guilt she carried…" Bunny trailed off and met Piper's shocked gaze. "Honey, did Erin not tell you any of this?"
She finally shook her head slightly, her mind racing a mile a minute. Jay and Erin had been dating? Jay walked out on Erin? Erin got someone killed? "No," Piper managed, "She, um, didn't."
"Sweetheart, I know I have my fair share of demons. But so does your sister. She was always a little troublemaker, like I said. Getting into fights at school, skipping class, hanging out with the bad boys. I'm surprised she made it to thirty three, especially with all those pills."
Piper felt her heart stop. "E-Erin did drugs?"
"Or does them," Bunny shrugged nonchalantly, "I honestly haven't spoken to her really in the last few years, at least not since she went on her last downward spiral. She was a mess. Last time we really talked I think I was picking her up from a nightclub. There was vomit in her hair, barely any clothes on, you know, just classic Erin." Bunny cocked her head to the side, "I'm surprised you haven't seen that side of her yet."
The little girl shook her head, unable to comprehend the stories from the woman in front of her. "Erin doesn't do drugs."
"Maybe," Bunny exhaled, "But who knows what she does, really. I mean, I don't even know what she does for work these days. At least I have a job, and an income."
Piper was silent. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," her mother said, "I didn't mean to scare you with the details of your sister. I just want you to be safe sweetheart, and as your mom, I just want what's best for you."
"How come you abandoned me then?" Piper gritted out, "If you want what's best for me? How come you let me stay in the foster care system for nine years, and never tried to get me out?"
"I tried," Bunny attempted, "I did. But I heard you had been in a fire and didn't survive, so I thought you'd died, and honestly honey, I was devastated."
"That fire was only a year ago and I'm alive, last I checked," Piper snapped, "You still had eight years to try to reach me, and you didn't." She swallowed, "I spent a lot of time with bad people, and people on drugs."
"I'm so sorry to hear that, I am but-"
"That's how come I know you're on drugs, right now." Piper folded her arms across her chest, "I'm not a baby."
Bunny set her jaw. "I cannot believe you would accuse me of that. You don't even know me."
"You made sure of that," Piper replied shortly, leaning back in her chair, "I don't know you, at all."
"You clearly don't know Erin either," Bunny spat, "She used to buy drugs for me. Sold herself around town with drug dealers to score pills for herself and whatever low life she was sleeping with that week. Wasn't until Hank Voight brainwashed her that she sobered up for a bit, only to fall right back off the wagon." She folded her arms across her chest, "She's not good for you, sweetheart. I would know. She's not good for me, for you, or even for that detective you've been staying with."
Piper just stared at Bunny, doing her best to keep her eyes dry. All she wanted was to get out of the room, as far away from the woman in front of her as possible. "I wouldn't tell you these things if I wasn't looking out for you," Bunny continued, "Contrary to what you've been told about me, I do care about you. You're my daughter."
The little girl continued to scowl, unimpressed by the words of her biological mother. "If I'm your daughter, that means you must know who my dad is," Piper said, "Or Erin's dad. Since he's both our dads."
Bunny furrowed her brow, "What are you talking about?"
"Our dad," she emphasized, feistiness out in full force, "Me and Erin have the same dad because Erin took a test that said so. And I want to know who he is, in case he wants to look out for me just like you."
Her mother was quiet, "To be honest with you, honey, he's not in the picture. Never has been."
"Well, he's been in the picture at least twice," Piper shot back, "If he's my dad, and Erin's, you must know who he is. And I have a right to know."
Bunny nodded, "You're right. You do." She blew out a breath and leaned forward. On instinct, Piper leaned away. "His name is Kenny, Kenny Charlton. He was a friend of mine growing up, and made some difficult choices. We lost touch, I know he did a couple stints in Joliet and was in and out of town. He came back around ten years ago and we met for a drink, but he was off the grid again. Last I heard he was around Greenville for something or other."
"How come you never told Erin who he is?" Piper pressed, "She said she didn't know."
"Erin lies all the time, sweetheart. You'll learn this quickly, but she's not good at telling the truth. I told her about her father, your father, years ago, but she probably just doesn't remember." Bunny folded her arms across her chest and sat back in the chair, "She probably doesn't remember because she was high at the time."
"So what's Intelligence like now?" Erin asked, trying to sound as casual as possible, "Hank doesn't say much."
Jay shrugged, "Same bad guys, you know. I mean, it's different now." He swallowed a sip of his beer, "Upton's a good partner. Has my back and stuff. She was pretty good when I was goin' through a lot of stuff." He paused, "Uh, my dad died. A few months back and it just really kicked my ass."
Erin's eyes widened in surprise. "I'm so sorry Jay, I had no idea-"
"It was quick," he assured her, "The aftermath, that um, that was what got me. The therapy and stuff though, it's helped a lot. I didn't think I would feel as guilty as I did when my mom died but uh, yeah." He met Erin's sad gaze. "I've never really forgiven him for everything growing up."
She nodded and put her other hand on top his to gently stroke his wrist. "You never really liked to talk about it. And I didn't want to push you."
"I wasn't ready," he mused, "I-I really pushed all that to the back of my mind, you know? Dealing with the shit we see every day, I never really considered how it affected how I see the world. I've always been quick to judge I guess, especially with people who remind me of him. I know now he was proud of me and stuff, and that he loved me but I'm still angry."
Erin just nodded and traced circles on Jay's arm with her index finger. "It's hard. Being angry all the time."
Jay nodded in agreement. "I'm getting better," he said, a small smile playing on his lips, "It's hard work, working on yourself. I had to learn that nobody was going to do it for me." He exhaled, "I um, I was angry at you for a while. For leaving. It uh, helps to know that it wasn't just me who drove you away."
"You were my only reason to stay," she whispered. "I was angry at you too. For making me want to stay. For not letting me in. But I know I didn't let you in either." Erin lifted her gaze again, "I wish we had better timing."
"I miss having you as my partner," Jay replied honestly, "Don't get me wrong, Upton's got my back but I know what it's like to have the best." He gave a crooked smile, "You certainly are the best, Erin Lindsay."
She blushed uncharacteristically. "You know what I miss the most about you? About us?" Erin's cheeks reddened further when Jay raised his eyebrows in anticipation, "You always did this thing, after a big bust or a long day when we were partners, or when we'd head home after you moved in." She smiled fondly, "You would put your arm across my shoulders. And we'd be close, even when we were just friends. It wasn't like, sexual or anything, but I just felt safe." Erin cleared her throat, "You make people feel safe, Jay. And it doesn't matter if they're your partner or a stranger, but you just have this thing about you. I always knew going into a raid or an interrogation that you had my back, that I was safe. And seeing you with my sister, I know that's what has made such a difference for her. She can trust you, she feels safe with you. What you do for me, you do for Piper."
Jay smiled and stood from his chair. "C'mere," he said, gesturing for her to lean forward. She did slowly, and relished in the safety of her former partner as he put his arm across her back and pulled her into his chest. Erin exhaled in relief, her face against Jay's strong pecs, his arm keeping her close, warm breath on the top of her head. "This is what I missed the most too," he murmured, "The way you fit right here."
Erin was about to reply when Jay's phone rang loudly. "It's Jenna," he said, swiping the phone off the counter as Erin pulled back, instantly missing the security of Jay's embrace. "This is Jay." He exhaled, "Great, see you soon." He placed the phone back on the counter. "Piper's on her way back. Visit's over."
"Thank god," Erin exhaled as well and knocked back the rest of her beer, "An hour with our mother. Poor kid."
Jay nodded sadly and rounded the counter to open the fridge.
"What are you doing?" Erin furrowed her brow as Jay busied himself in the kitchen, "I thought you wanted me to order pizza tonight?"
"I read online that when kids get back from visits, it can be really jarring," Jay said, pulling down a mug from his cabinet, "And it's really important to reintroduce structure and security, so they know they're safe. One of the websites suggested a healthy snack and a nap, but since it's closer to dinner and Piper probably won't want to nap I figure a snack and a bit of the game could be a good option. Just to help regulate her system, get back into the routine." He paused at Erin's incredulous gaze, "What?"
"Nothing, I just," she shook her head, "Just blows me away how much you care about her. And all the research you've been doing."
Jay shrugged and gave a smile, "I want to make it easier for her. Since she's been through a lot. I was thinking maybe some celery with peanut butter, and maybe hot chocolate? I know that's not super healthy but she needs protein and-"
"It's perfect," Erin assured him, rising from her seat, "I'll help. But only if you make me some hot chocolate too. Whipped cream included."
"Please. You know for a fact I don't keep whipped cream in the apartment because I have no self control." Jay wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, alluding to a particular instance where he and his then-girlfriend slash partner had killed off a spray can of whipped cream in an evening after work. It has been messy and delicious, and was honestly one of Jay's fondest memories.
"You're such a goon," she snorted, rolling her eyes at her former partner.
Jay felt his heart lurch.
When he and Erin first became partners, he knew that one of the highest forms of compliments he could get for his attempts at humor was "You're ridiculous", "You're such a dork" or sometimes, if he was lucky, "You're an idiot, Halstead".
After they started sleeping together under Hank's radar, those quips would be accompanied by a melodic giggle. Once they were dating, for real this time, Erin had taken to referring to Jay as a goon whenever he teased her. She never said it in front of anyone else, but he lived for the moments when she'd lean over his shoulder in the bullpen and tell him to "Keep it in your pants, you goon."
When things started going south for them, the teasing dwindled. Erin stopped giggling or snorting at his lame attempts to put a smile on her face, and he stopped trying. So when Erin Lindsay called him a goon for the first time in over a year, Jay felt like a weight had been lifted.
Up next: The aftermath of Bunny's lies...