Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, I only borrow them to have fun with, and return them slightly used.
Hermione was walking down one of the endless halls of Hogwarts, when she felt a slight tremble go through the floor. She looked around her nervously, her instincts honed in a second Voldemort war were telling her to run. She quickened her steps, but the trembling seemed to be growing stronger. She looked over her shoulder, and broke into a run. It did not help. The trembling increased into a thunder, paintings were shaking on the walls. Her heart was beating fanatically in her chest as she hurtled down another corridor. Out of nowhere a pale hand, with long, elegant fingers appeared, and closed around her wrist. She screamed as she was dragged unceremoniously into a cupboard.
She felt a hand pressing to her mouth to silence her. She heard a whisper in her ear. "For the love of Merlin, stop struggling, Miss Granger, and stay silent." The habit formed through years of following instructions from that silky voice took over, and she did as she was told. Through the crack of the broom closet she watched, enveloped in the spicy scent of the potions master, as a stampede thundered down the corridor. She did not move until the noise settled down, she did not speak until the last of the screams died away in the distance.
"Were those…" she asked in a trembling voice.
"Yes" Snape answered darkly. "The most dangerous creatures known to wizardkind. Fangirls." He shuddered.
"They will be back" Hermione said close to panic. "They always find us."
"Indeed. We need a plan."
"I… I think I have an idea." He looked at her suspiciously. "I apologise, professor Snape, but we need a distraction" she said, and grabbed a handful of his dark robes, and dragged him down for a kiss. The potions master tried to catch himself against the back of the cupboard to keep his balance, and before his brain registered what was happening, the kiss was already over.
Hermione cracked the door open to find a few lines of fangirls standing a few steps from them, wearing some kind of a team T-shirt that read "Snamione. Always." Their eyes were literally throwing sparks, smiling, giggling, and jumping up and down on the spot like a bunch of Hufflepuffs overdosed on sugar. With a scream another team of fangirls rounded the corner, wearing green T-shirts emblazoned with Dramione, angry expressions distorting their faces. They through themselves at the first group with a snarl.
"Divide and conquer" Snape said. "I like it." Before they could have taken a few more steps away from the cupboard, another group showed up in the hallway, heading for the all-out-brawl in Snarry T-shirts, depicting a pair of silvery stags.
"What is Snarry?" Severus asked as they were trying to inch away from the scruffle. There was a lot of hair pulling, biting and high pitched seams of 'My nails!'.
"It is a sub-species of fangirls that spend their free time imagining you and Harry Potter kissing, and doing other unimaginable thing to each other" she answered as if she had swallowed a textbook. The portions Professor turned slightly green. A single fangirl rounded the corner in an orange shirt that red LucSnarrRon, and run to join the fight. Hermione dragged the dazed professor away.
"I don't want to know, I don't want to know…" he muttered.
Maybe he needed another subspecies of fangirls who just wanted them to be left in peace. Maybe Hagrid would be interested in breeding some for them, he liked to mess with dangerous stuff.