A/N: So, hello lovelies! Yes, I'm aware it's been over a decade. You'll see a play on that fact in the story. I'm also out of practice posting here so hopefully I'm doing this correctly. Long story, but to keep it short: finished school, while there had a creative writing professor that destroyed most of the confidence I had in my writing and made me not enjoy it because I overcriticize myself, and then a very long bout of depression combined with a minor identity crisis (while the former is not over, I'm definitely not in as deep now). Now it's 2020 and this year has sucked and we all need some humor, so here we are. I only started writing again very recently (literally went 10 years without doing so at all), but I want to get back into practice and back into enjoying what I love. While this story is certainly not quality writing, it is enjoyable to write, so here I am. I am also rewriting Intertwined for those who are wondering and I've published another story called A Prime's Duty that is a one-shot Optimus/Seeker!Sam story that is looking like it will turn into a chapter-fic when I find time to write.
A/N: Also, this of course ignores all movies and comics after RotF. I tend to ignore most movies after the third and sometimes the third one as well. I like Sam. And I dislike how they killed everyone.
Key note, this is written purely by myself for this chapter as I have unfortunately fallen out of contact with Marmee Noir and everyone else I was friends with during my depression/isolation. Hopefully the humor remains up to par.
Harassment
BBM: Boy! I demand you return Soundwave to me this instant.
Ladiesman217: Megs! You left me all alone for so long, I thought you had decided to bunker down with Optimus and take my advice! I would ask how it was, but then I ran into Optimus and he didn't say anything. Were you that bad?
BBM: It's been 11 solar cycles, days, or whatever you insects call them, and I tried to kill you at least once during that. And that's when you stole my subordinate. I need him! Now I'm stuck with Stars Cream.
Screampuff: You should be honored I'm letting you use my systems instead of sullying your own firewalls against the pathetic human viruses. Because surely a great leader such as you isn't /afraid/ of the fleshlings. Their data net is so rudimentary it can't even handle my designation properly.
Screampuff: ...Soundwave, why /does/ it keep changing my username to this? It won't let me input anything else! Pathetic meat bags and their tiny processors...
Ladiesman217: Yeah, well I was so bored that every day felt like a year. And I didn't steal him, Soundwave came all on his own.
Ladiesman217: ...Well, we might've helped with that.
OnlyBee4U: Multiple times
Ladiesman217: Heh. Megsy, you didn't answer my question! Were you so bad that Optimus just can't speak about it? Because surely you were so busy sparking that you had to ignore me. There's no other reason.
AntennaBot: Stars Cream, I do not know why you are having problems.
Screampuff: Some communications officer you are.
Screampuff: How dare you insult Lord Megatron you disgusting meat sack! If anything Prime would be disappointed it stopped. Of course, my lord, if you need practice I graciously volunteer. I'm a much better option than that pathetic Prime.
Ladiesman217: Wow, they weren't kidding when they said you can't decide between kissing aft and insubordination.
BBM: Stars Cream, mute your vocalizer before I do it for you! You don't need to speak when you type! Also, no.
OnlyBee4U: I would listen to him Screamer, he has a thing for throats.
Ladiesman217: Kinky.
Ladiesman217: Ow, Soundwave, what was that for?
AntennaBot: Bee
Ladiesman217: Aw, shit, sorry bud I'll make it up to you later.
BBM: Reminders of my glory in battle aside, you are not the sole focus of my attention boy.
Ladiesman217: I know, that belongs to Optimus. So if you weren't away sparking him, why did you run from the fight? I figured it was shame at your poor performance.
BBM: If Prime hadn't gotten in the way you would be dead on my claws, you insolent worm.
Ladiesman217: You enjoyed him getting in the way. You grabbed his aft by the handful. I know we spoke about spanking last time but I didn't think you would do it in the middle of a fight.
Ladiesman217: You do like bondage though, so exhibitionism isn't far behind.
BBM: I was not trying to spank Prime! Although, his humiliation /would/ be a sight to see.
Ladiesman217: Wow, you're really opening up about those kinks today. I see you didn't deny you grabbed his aft. Finally leave that river?
BBM: I was not grabbing his aft, he got in the way of me finally shutting you up. How the frag did he trip and still manage to avoid hitting you? That was the biggest disappointment when the dust cleared.
Ladiesman217: So the sight and feel of his aft wasn't a disappointment? Good to know.
BBM: Slagging insect!
Screampuff: What river?
OnlyBee4U: De-Nile
Screampuff:… You insects disgust me. That wasn't even the least bit funny.
Ladiesman217: No, it was punny.
AntennaBot: Don't make me hit you again.
Ladiesman217: Please don't, I really don't need the neighbors wondering why I have giant metal cables crawling through my bedroom window from the garage. It was really hard explaining the giant metal cat.
ThePrimeSpecimen: What giant metal cat? Were you the one that stole Ravage's remains?
Ladiesman217: Optimus! You must've sensed that Megsy came back!
AntennaBot: Ravage does not belong to you, so we stole nothing.
BBM: You mean to tell me that you infiltrated the Autobot base and did not inform me, Soundwave?
AntennaBot: Negative. Bee retrieved Ravage.
OnlyBee4U: Yeah, because you were going to kill me otherwise.
ThePrimeSpecimen: Bumblebee, you are still under a silencing order. That includes this.
BBM: Heh, that's not hard for him to follow.
Ladiesman217: Harsh, Megs, harsh. And ease up Optimus, it wasn't that bad. You know you enjoyed it. Ratchet gave me the results.
BBM: Enjoyed what? Did the insect make a move on you, Prime? That hero worship your soldiers have for you finally bite you in the aft?
Ladiesman217: No, that was your claws. And what, are you jealous?
BBM: No!
Ladiesman217: So you /are/ still in that river.
BBM: You still haven't answered my questions Prime.
ThePrimeSpecimen: That is none of your business, Megatron.
Ladiesman217: He just doesn't want to admit it worked.
BBM: WHAT FRAGGING WORKED?!
Screampuff: Mute your vocalizer, Lord Megatron. There's no need to speak when you type, remember?
Screampuff: aahgvuotjekfbjkewtrfewf
Screampuff: ow…
Ladiesman217: Lol. Relax, Megs. It was just Bee following Optimus for a day playing a soundbite of you moaning through a self-overload on repeat.
BBM:…What?
Screampuff:…wait, you hacked my files?!
AntennaBot: That was me. Your security is rather weak.
Screampuff:…no, no, My Lord. You need me to transmit through. Don't you? Aaahhhbhguhjhuhnj!1
BBM: Pathetic seeker… Soundwave, when you return there will be words. I expect you to report back in two days.
AntennaBot: Understood. That will be sufficient time.
ThePrimeSpecimen: Sufficient time for what? Why did you have Bee retrieve Ravage's remains? And Samuel, your disregard for my orders to not invite Decepticons into your home led to this mess.
Ladiesman217: Well, I already had Ravage's spark core somehow active in my pocket after the battle in Egypt, so helping revive her seemed the best option to appease Soundwave.
OnlyBee4U: And he was definitely grateful. Who knew such a stoic bot could be so enthusiastic?
Ladiesman217: Right?
ThePrimeSpecimen:…
ThePrimeSpecimen: …We really need to start checking your pockets after battles.
OnlyBee4U: That's what I said!
ThePrimeSpecimen: Bumblebee. Quiet.
BBM: Wow, insect, you must've really been persistent to have him this annoyed. Prime usually gives in after the first solar-cycle. Did the sound of my glorious vocals fluster you that much, Prime?
ThePrimeSpecimen: Fishing for compliments is beneath you, brother.
BBM: Ah, but that implies there are compliments to be had, does it not? Alas, although it pains me to admit it, you are right. I do not need to sound like a certain sniveling sycophant.
Screampuff: I merely make sure all options are available to me, like I deserve.
MidasTouch: Sam, did you say you revived Ravage?
Ladiesman217: Ratchet! Yeah, turns out Allspark stuff never left. It's been a very busy decade.
BBM: It was 11 solar cycles!
Ladiesman217: That's 10 days too long! I was bored!
Ladiesman217: What's up with your username?
MidasTouch:…Ironhide suggested it. He said something about my servos being the touch of a god or some ridiculous blather like that. He submitted the username before I could stop him. So I submitted his.
MidasTouch: So if you see TheToothFairy come online, that's him.
Screampuff: Touch of a god, eh? I doubt that, no grounder is better than a seeker at interfacing or sparking. /Some/ have been graciously given the offer of an experience but they're too stubborn and deny their need for my glory.
MidasTouch: As CMO I know the pleasure sensor locations of most frame-types, seekers included, and rather dexterous servos. A necessity for delicate repairs.
Screampuff: Really? Maybe not all Autobots are worthless.
Ladiesman217: Oh god, please stop flirting. What would Ironhide say?
Screampuff: That rust-bucket has had a fetish for seekers for vorns, so he wouldn't complain.
OnlyBee4U: Primus, I didn't need to know this.
ThePrimeSpecimen: Have we all forgotten we're at war?
BBM: Blame your squishy, he started this.
Ladiesman217: Technically, you started this.
MidasTouch: Speaking of fraternization. Sam, have you been taking precautions to not accidentally bond with Soundwave? If you have more Allspark abilities the possibility of multiple sparkbonds exists. Just interfacing and not sparking, correct?
Ladiesman217: Uh, sure?
ThePrimeSpecimen: Samuel, please do not tell me you and Bumblebee are now sparkbound to Soundwave.
AntennaBot: No bond has been finalized, Prime. I do know how to interface without sparkplay. My systems are optimized for it.
OnlyBee4U: Yeah they are
ThePrimeSpecimen: Bumblebee!… I give up.
BBM: Submission suits you, Prime.
ThePrimeSpecimen: In your dreams, Megatron.
Ladiesman217: Oh, I have no doubt about that. Even without a scheme.
Ladiesman217: I never got to ask you Optimus, how did it feel to have Megsy's servos all over your aft? You practically fell over yourself in pleasure when it happened.
ThePrimeSpecimen: I was tripped by something.
AntennaBot: I wonder what…
BBM: I'm starting to have my suspicions.
Ladiesman217: You didn't answer my question. I'm pretty sure I saw some wires get caressed, so it had to have been enjoyable.
ThePrimeSpecimen: The only results of that interaction were some scratches on my paint job and a kinked wire.
MidasTouch: A kink that caused you to moan with every step until you were close to overload.
ThePrimeSpecimen: Ratchet!
BBM: Heh, too afraid to admit I got you heated, Prime?
Ladiesman217: So you did grope those sensors intentionally! Did you read the manual I sent? You /were/ looking particularly shiny in that battle, so I know you got the wax that I sent with it. Wanted to look all nice and pretty for Optimus, huh?
BBM: I did not! The wax was just superior compared to our reserves, so I used it. The Autobots weren't supposed to show.
Ladiesman217: You tried to kill me, you knew they would show. You even drew it out until they did.
BBM: Not at all.
Ladiesman217: De-Nile. You're gonna rust.
BBM: Slagging fleshling, I'm not even in Egypt anymore!
Ladiesman217: Oh? So you moved closer to the Autobots? I understand, easier access for interfacing with a certain Prime.
AllThatJazz: What the frag happened these past three years?
AntennaBot:…What?
ThePrimeSpecimen: Jazz?!
BBM: Didn't I tear him in two?
Screampuff: Weren't there too any Autobots already?
MidasTouch: How is this possible? Soundwave, is it…?
AntennaBot:…
AntennaBot: The source code confirms it. Sam?
Ladiesman217: Oh, so that /did/ work! Guess you saw my note and logged on, eh?
OnlyBee4U: Sam, what did you do?
Ladiesman217: Well, when you were hounding Optimus with that soundbite I was bored and looked around where we got Ravage and came across Jazz in a side room. Didn't think it worked, but I guess it took longer cause he's been offline longer.
BBM: It was only 11 solar cycles, that's barely any time. Just what all has he done in his boredom?
ThePrimeSpecimen: You'd be surprised at the tenacity of this race to get as much done in as little time as possible. Primus, Sam, while grateful some notice would've been nice.
Ladiesman217: You all ignored me for a decade.
AllThatJazz: My chronometer says it's only been almost 3 years since my offlining though.
MidasTouch: Ignore Sam, the Allspark affected his sense of reasoning.
Ladiesman217: Hey!
AllThatJazz: …Okay? Oh, hey Sounders!
AntennaBot: Hello, Jazz.
AllThatJazz: So, is the war over or something?
BBM: Hardly.
Ladiesman217: It will be once Megs and Optimus finally get their spark on and end their sexual frustration.
BBM: I am not going to initiate a sparking with that slagging Prime! Stars Cream, we need to plan. Two days, Soundwave!
Ladiesman217: They better be plans on how to get Optimus to initiate if you won't! Of course, then you're accepting that submissive role again.
BBM: I will not be the submissive one!
BBM AND SCREAMPUFF HAVE GONE OFFLINE
Ladiesman217: That was practically a confession, right? What do you say, Optimus? Want to pull one over on Megs and take that dominant role by initiating a sparking yourself?
ThePrimeSpecimen: I'm not yet that desperate to silence you.
OnlyBee4U: The key word there is 'yet'
ThePrimeSpecimen:… Jazz, stay where you are. Ratchet and I will come to help you out.
THEPRIMESPECIMEN AND MIDASTOUCH HAVE GONE OFFLINE
AllThatJazz: Oh, I already hacked the lock. I guess I'll wait for them to arrive. How did you get in here before, Sam?
Ladiesman217: The vents.
AllThatJazz: Ooh, nice. The ones here are a bit too small for me, but that was my main way to travel when sneaking around bases on Cybertron.
AllThatJazz: So can someone send me a data packet of all that I missed?
AntennaBot: File sent.
AllThatJazz: Thanks, Sounders. I'll have to run a detailed security scan first of course.
AntennaBot: To be expected.
OnlyBee4U: I sent one as well to detail the Autobot information that Soundwave hasn't managed to hack.
AntennaBot: Yet.
Ladiesman217: I'm sensing some history between you two. Ooh, speaking of file transfers… Bee, send Jazz that soundbite so he can help us since you're still not allowed within 50 feet of Optimus outside of battle.
OnlyBee4U: Just sent it.
AllThatJazz: What?
AllThatJazz: …
AllThatJazz: Was that what I think it was?
Ladiesman217: Megs in the throes of self-induced pleasure? Yep. And Ratchet managed to record Optimus in his berth after he had to listen to that soundbite on repeat for a day. Let's just say Soundwave is going to have fun when he returns to Megatron in two days.
AllThatJazz: And Soundwave is with you right now?
Ladiesman217: Was that in the packet? Yeah, he is.
AllThatJazz: Prime and Ratchet are here, but I'm going to come visit before he leaves.
ALLTHATJAZZ HAS GONE OFFLINE
Ladiesman217: Soundwave, just what was in that packet to cause that reaction?
AntennaBot: Perhaps it was the details of our interfaces these past few days.
OnlyBee4U: Why would you include that?!
AntennaBot: Jazz is a very attractive mech. And he has great control over magnetic fields.
Ladiesman217: Another bond? I saw how you skirted Optimus's accusation earlier by not saying there were preliminary bonds in place. The fact it happened on accident is not for Ratchet to know. He'll gloat.
AntennaBot: If we all agree, yes.
Ladiesman217: I don't know, I might need some convincing.
AntennaBot: Then get down here.
OnlyBee4U: What are you waiting for?
LADIESMAN217, ONLYBEE4U, AND ANTENNABOT HAVE GONE OFFLINE.
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