Part two of another big convo. Let me know what you think!

Erin shivered as she sat on the overstuffed couch in Jay's cabin, nursing a mug of tea that he made for her. He'd carried Piper to bed and tucked her in upstairs with the promise that'd he be back down soon. The night before they slept separately, and even though the country air was good, Erin could have sworn she wasn't as well rested without her partner by her side.

Her head and her heart ached after talking with Jay. Her chest felt so much lighter after a year, but the weight was replaced by growing anxiety of what she didn't yet know.

Jay had been through so much.

Hank had alluded to some rough times, and she'd seen the headlines and heard about Al and tried to put everything out of her mind. Being on assignments back to back helped as there was little time to process everything. But after a few weeks of being back in Chicago and learning about her sister and re-learning everything about Jay…it was overwhelming.

Living in New York was hard. The city itself was fine, but it was lonely. The streets weren't the same as the ones she grew up on, and she didn't really have any friends outside of work acquaintances she'd gotten beers with after work once or twice. She worked late into the evening and got up early, way earlier than she ever had in Chicago. Erin jumped at the opportunity for any assignment, looking for anything and everything to take her mind off the life she left back home.

The dreams were what really got to her. Almost every night, she dreamed of Jay. She dreamed of their life together, back when it was good. She dreamed about bantering with him in the bullpen or watching him watch the game on the couch, because his reaction was always far better than whatever was on the screen. She dreamed about Wisconsin, a place she'd never been but that Jay had raved about so much she felt like she'd spent her summers there. She dreamed about her future kids, whoever they ended up being, and dreamed about falling asleep beside her partner.

Waking up alone was always cruel reality check to all that she'd left behind for Bunny. Her heart ached at the thought of Jay going through everything alone. Yes, he had Hank and the rest of the unit, but it wasn't her, and she liked to think that she knew him better than anyone, just like he knew her better than anyone.

Growing up, she prided herself on her ability to remain stoic when everyone around her was falling apart. She knew from a young age that tears would result in more hurt or someone taking advantage of her vulnerability. Jay had gotten her to open up in their time as partners and as boyfriend and girlfriend, and while it felt unusual to be so vulnerable, he made her feel safe. In New York, she felt anything but. Erin kept it all inside, just going through the motions and trying to get through each day. Whenever she got a tidbit of information about her previous life, it was if she put it away in a box.

After receiving the call from Hank about Piper, it all came crashing down. She'd cried all the way from New York to Chicago, and almost every day since. She usually tried to wait until she was in the confines of her rented apartment after dinner with Piper and Jay, but more often than not, when Jay closed the door behind her, she lost it.

It hurt to be confronted with everything she'd given up. Jay. His comfort, his security, his overwhelming desire to make her laugh, everything. It hurt even worse to know how much he'd gone through after she'd left, and the fact that despite all of it, he was still willing to let her back in, and that he'd never stopped loving her.

And she honestly never stopped loving him.

"You okay?" Jay asked gently, taking a seat beside her on the couch after padding down the steps. Piper had settled quickly, and he was grateful for it.

She managed a small nod, clutching the mug in her palms. "I'm just sorry," she whispered, "For everything."

He gave a sad smile. "I'm sorry too."

"Can um, can you tell me about it? What happened after I left?" Erin asked softly, staring into the liquid, "I just um, I want to hear it from you."

Jay paused. He wanted so badly to let Erin into the darkness he experienced after she left for New York, but he didn't want to hurt her. "I-I don't want you to blame yourself," he said finally, "I want to tell you, I want to let you in, I just don't want to hurt you."

"I deserve it," she scoffed lightly, glancing from the tea in her mug up to Jay's concerned gaze. He had frowned at her statement. "Hank told me bits and pieces but I just-I want to hear it from you."

"Okay," Jay breathed, "I um, I mean, you know the beginning part. Abby, she came back to town and it just…set me off. Everything I'd tried to keep in the back of my head from Afghanistan and comin' home came rushing back. It um, didn't help that Mouse wasn't around and I didn't know how to talk about it." He inhaled, "I think…I think I was ashamed. I'd already been through what I thought was the worst of it when I first came back. Waking up screaming, sleeping with my shoes on, the whole nine yards. I thought I was passed it, and then having it come back I just…I was worried that I'd never get better."

He swallowed, "My um, I guess my breaking point was when I woke up one night and you were sleeping and I had this dream that um, that I hurt you. And I was so wracked with guilt that I um, I called Will and that's why I left. I felt like I hurt you enough with Abby and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I'd done something to physically hurt you."

"Jay," Erin shook her head, "I know you would never mean to-"

"I know," he said quickly, "I know that you'd have said it was fine, you would have brushed it off and tried to help me but I, I didn't want to let you." He let out another breath. "My dad…he wasn't a great guy. He'd get drunk and slap my mom around and she took it. She took all his shit, and I couldn't do that to you. I didn't want you to flinch when you saw me or worry about leaving me alone with the kids or have to spend your days worried about me getting triggered by something stupid. My mom walked on eggshells my whole life and as good a mom as she was, I knew that she deserved something better. And you did too."

Tears trickled down Erin's cheeks before she could stop them. Jay was trying to protect her. Even as he was violently struggling with his inner demons, he was trying to protect her. And their future kids.

"Jay," she whispered again, abandoning the tea mug on the coffee table and scooting over toward her partner on the couch. She took his folded hands out of his lap and held them in her own.

"After you left, I um, I kinda cracked open." He let out a snort, "It just all came out. I um, shot a little girl by mistake and then I went undercover with this ex-military crew and I basically unraveled. Then with my dad, and Al…I knew I needed to get help. Voight uh, he was good. Helped try to pull me out. Upton too. After therapy it got better. I sleep now, which is good, an improvement."

Erin nodded and wiped her cheek quickly. "I wish I had been there for you. For all of it."

"I pushed you away first," he reminded her, "And you needed to protect yourself."

She nodded again. "After Justin I-" Erin cut herself off as emotion rose in her throat. She missed her brother so badly. "I didn't tell you because I thought you'd never look at me the same way."

Jay carefully took one of his hands that was still grasping Erin's and wiped the tears off her cheek. "Before, I might not have understood. But I do now. I wish I didn't, honestly. But it was Voight's son, and your dad and your brother. And if it were you, or Piper? I woulda done the same thing. And it was your my mom, Er. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't blame you for putting your family first."

Erin gave a watery nod and bit back a sob. "I'm so angry," she choked out, "For everything she did to me, and to Piper. And I'm just so mad at myself for leaving you because you were my real family."

Jay shook his head and pulled Erin into his arms, hot tears from the entirety of last year finally making their way down his cheeks. He was silent, and so was she, as they sat together on the comfortable couch, words unable to articulate all that was happening between them.

"I missed you so much," Jay said finally after he cleared his throat. "From the moment I walked out to the moment I saw you standing in front of the district. I um, I never stopped thinking about you."

Erin sniffed and rested her head on Jay's shoulder. "I probably picked up the phone a hundred times to call," she whispered, "But I never knew what to say. I worked pretty much around the clock because I couldn't sleep for months. Had to start rationing out the nights I'd wear your old sweatshirts because they stopped smelling like you."

Jay's heart clenched and he instinctively held her tighter.

"I want you to stay in Piper's life. In my life, even when I'm in New York," Erin whispered, "I-I know we haven't talked about what comes next because I'm just so scared to plan for anything but…but that's what I want. And I know it's what she wants as well."

He nodded, "I um, I'm honestly having trouble just thinking about that. You guys leaving." He exhaled, "She's a really special kid."

Erin lightly ran her hand up and down Jay's arm. "You're so good to her. To us," she murmured. She put her head back down on Jay's shoulder and let out another breath as Jay's hands made their way up her back, stopping to massage her head that had started aching again. "How do you always know?" she mumbled in appreciation.

"I guess I just know you," he replied softly, massaging her temples with delicate fingers, "It's been a long few days, and your head always hurts after that, regardless of the concussion."

"This is my favorite place," Erin murmured after a while. She and Jay had just been sitting together in silence as he gently massaged her head. It was honestly one of her favorite parts of their relationship. They didn't always need to be talking but could take comfort in just being next to one another.

"And you said Wisconsin wasn't a good place to retire," Jay joked, "I told you, it's great."

She chuckled, her head still resting on his shoulder. "I mean it's beautiful and secluded but I was talking about right here. Next to you, listening to you make those little noises when you're getting tired." Erin tilted her head slightly to meet Jay's gaze, "You're my favorite place. Chicago, Wisconsin, doesn't matter. Just you."

Jay dozed off with Erin in his embrace. The scent of her hair and softness of her skin was like a security blanket, and after a few more minutes of listening to each other breathe softly, both were asleep.

He jumped when he heard a bang, ripping him from sleep. He was having a good dream too, and immediately glanced down to Erin. She was snoozing against his shoulder. The concussion-induced slumber always caused her to be slower to wake, coupled with the fact that she was a heavier sleeper than Jay. He relaxed with his partner beside him, intent on falling right back asleep on the couch. No point in going to bed if he was going to sleep better next to Erin, and he wasn't about to carry her to bed and risk waking her up.

Just as his eyelids fluttered closed, Jay snapped them open again. It wasn't just him and Erin in the cabin – Piper was upstairs. His heart started beating more quickly as he was overcome with the sense that his little friend needed him. As carefully as he could, Jay extracted himself from the couch and winced when Erin stirred. It was most likely nothing, just the wind in an old cabin, and he hated waking her up.

Thankfully, Erin quickly settled against the cushion and Jay hustled to the rickety cabin steps to check on Piper. He'd put her to sleep in Will's old bedroom, which had a bed slightly lower to the ground. Even though she was nine years old, Jay had read about kids tumbling out of bed at night and he never wanted her to hurt herself.

He went on high alert when he caught sight of the bedroom door that was ajar. He'd left it closed. Instinct took over as he hastened to the door and carefully pushed it open, hoping to see that his little friend was nestled in bed where he left her.

Instead, Jay was faced with an empty room and immediately felt his blood run cold when he remembered the previous night when he hadn't been able to find the child. He cursed under his breath and spun around, trying to determine where she might have gone. He knew he would have heard her if she left the cabin, so she was somewhere, but he didn't know where, or why she wasn't in her bed.

He heard a small sniff and hurried out of the bedroom, hoping to find Piper on the way back from the bathroom. "Pipes?" he whispered, hoping to avoid waking up her sister, "Where are you, kiddo?"

Another sniff drew his attention to his mom's old bedroom, the room where Erin was staying. It had the best view and the largest bed, and he knew that Erin needed a lot of pillows just to get through the night. "Piper?" he called softly, pushing open the bedroom door carefully, "You in here?"

"I can't find Erin," Piper's tearful voice came almost inaudible as Jay stepped into the room. He turned and saw her huddled on the floor by the closet, knees drawn to her chest. It was clear she'd been crying, and it broke his heart.

"She's still downstairs," Jay said gently, crouching down on the floor to meet Piper's tearful gaze, "She's totally fine. Snoozing away on the couch." He tilted his head slightly, "Did you have a bad dream?"

Jay's heart clenched when she shifted backwards, as if she was afraid of him. Piper managed a small nod, her body trembling violently against the cabin wall. "You know I get those too," Jay mused, still keeping his distance from the little girl. He didn't want to spook her. Even though they'd grown incredibly close in the month they'd been together, and he knew Piper trusted him, he also knew that kids coming from trauma couldn't always distinguish when someone was trying to help.

"It's okay," he continued, and offered a kind smile, "You're safe here, kiddo, and Erin's safe too."

"I'm tired of being scared," she wept, "I-I don't want to be scared anymore."

"I know," Jay shook his head, "It's really hard, isn't it?" He grimaced slightly when Piper nodded in agreement, "What would make you feel better, kiddo?"

"N-nothin'," Piper choked out and curled into herself further, breaking Jay's heart, "I-I don't think anything's gonna help." She took a breath, but a painful sob instead of a sigh of relief emerged from her lips, "I-I don't want anything to happen to you or Erin b-but you can't promise that."

"Oh, kiddo," Jay resisted the urge to scoop her into his embrace, "I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better." He wracked his brain, trying to recall all the articles and books that he read about foster children. He knew not to take Piper's rigidness personally, because that was her default. She'd been brought up in a world where she could only protect herself with a tough exterior, just like her sister.

"Can I come sit with you?" He asked finally, figuring physical proximity might help, "Until you're feeling a bit better?"

Piper gave a small nod of approval, and Jay settled beside her against the bedroom wall. "This was my mom's bedroom," he said slowly, glancing around wistfully, "Whenever we'd come up here, this is where she'd stay. And um, whenever I had a bad dream, I'd come in here, looking for her."

She sniffed and looked up at Jay sadly. "Y-you miss your mom?"

Jay nodded. "Yeah, I do. I think about her every day." He smiled, "She was a really great mom."

Piper rubbed her eyes, "I-I'm sorry that I woke you up."

"I was up," Jay replied quickly. It wasn't really a lie. He hadn't been in bed. "But you can always wake me up for anything, kiddo."

At that, Piper burst into a fresh set of sobs, and Jay wasn't sure what he said that was wrong. "Pipes," he tried, unable to get through the broken sniffles, "What's goin' on, how can I help?"

"E-everything," she sobbed, "I-I don't know what's happening to me."

Jay felt like his broken heart shattered again at Piper's admission. The poor little girl was struggling with everything that had happened, and it all came to a head after a long and exhaustive day of activity. The trembling small child was a far cry from the enthusiastic soccer player and hiking companion he had earlier that day, and Jay reminded himself that this is what it's like to raise kids from trauma, or any child. Loving kids from difficult places was brutal and beautiful, but he was in the midst of the brutal part.

He swallowed as he thought back to a chapter in one of the books he'd read. It was a long shot, but it might work for Piper. "I'm going to try to help, okay?" Jay said softly, reaching a hand out to touch her knee. She flinched at the contact, her whole body still quivering. "I'm not going to hurt you, Pipes, I promise, but stop me if you feel scared, okay?"

She didn't reply, but Jay was at a loss. He carefully lifted her into his arms and held her closely against his chest. Piper was rigid as Jay adjusted her in his arms, hoping that his steady heart beat would help the little girl relax. "It's okay," he said, rocking, almost bouncing up and down as he held her, "You're okay, Pipes, I've got you."

Piper continued to weep into his shoulder, but as the minutes passed, her body grew less stiff. Jay paced around the upstairs, as quietly as he could, hoping to bring some semblance of peace to his little friend who continued to shudder violently in his arms. "Shh," he cooed, "You're safe, kiddo."

Her sobs lessened, but Jay could still feel tears streaming off her cheeks and down the collar of his shirt. "Shh," he continued, keeping one hand on the back of Piper's head as he rocked, "It's okay."

The old floorboards creaked as he moved, and he was hoping that it wouldn't rouse his partner. "You're safe," Jay repeated, "It's okay."

After minutes that felt like hours, Jay felt Piper's small form relax into his chest. He could feel her heart thumping wildly against his, and was doing his best to keep himself relaxed to help Piper match his calm demeanor. He'd done a fair bit of reading about co-regulation in younger kids, but wasn't sure if it would stick with Piper. Both unfortunately and luckily, she was incredibly light in his arms, and easy to rock, like a child far younger than she was.

"I wanna stay with you," Piper whispered. "I don't want to leave."

Jay's breath hitched. He didn't want her to leave either. But now wasn't the time or place to discuss that. He knew in his heart of hearts that Piper needed to be with Erin, and that Erin needed Piper. He wasn't ever going to stand in the way of that. "I'm here now," he replied after he found his words, "I'm not goin' anywhere Pipes. You're safe."

She sniffed and nestled her head into Jay's shoulder, and his heart felt like it could burst. He was supposed to be calming her down, but Piper's presence in his arms, despite her distress, was filling Jay to the brim. He continued to rock back and forth, allowing Piper's breathing to slowly even out.

"Jay?"

He turned, Piper in his arms, to see his partner standing in the doorway to the bedroom. Jay offered a small smile, "Hey."

Erin took a tentative step toward her partner and her little sister. "She okay?"

Jay stroked the back of Piper's head. Her rigid body had finally gone slack after what felt like endless sobs and tears. "Rough night," he murmured, leaning his head to rest on the little girl's, "But we're okay."

"I uh, freaked out a bit when you weren't on the couch or in your bed," Erin told him, smile playing on her lips, "Guess I know how you feel now."

He chuckled lightly, still rocking Piper back and forth. "It's a very primal thing to want to be held and comforted," he explained, heat rising in his cheeks when Erin looked slightly confused at his actions, "I-I know she's not a toddler or anything but I read about this technique of just kind of holding and rocking to create a sense of comfort. Kids sometimes just crave contact, and keeping 'em close can help them regulate easier."

Erin swallowed the lump in her throat. In her dreams, she always imagined Jay rocking a fussy teething toddler, whispering soft and comforting stories to try to get the little tyke to sleep again.

That dream wasn't far off. Her partner was still rocking a child in his arms but instead, it was her own little sister. Her sister who'd been denied comfort and security all her life, who so desperately craved it. And Jay knew that.

Piper stirred slightly and Jay quickly issued a "shh, shh, shh", which magically caused her to relax again. He gave a small smile when he met Erin's watery gaze. "I um, realize we're in your room but I uh, don't think I want to put her down just yet but I'll let you get to bed-"

"Stay," Erin said quickly, "Please? I just…I want to be close to you tonight. Both of you."

He nodded and let out a breath. He wanted to be close to his girls as well. Erin smiled in relief and quickly pulled back the covers on the unmade bed (typical Erin), so that Jay could settle Piper down. "No, no, Jay," Piper whimpered sleepily when he attempted to set her on the mattress, "I wanna stay with you."

"It's okay, it's okay," Jay soothed, immediately sensing the child's increased anxiety, "Erin and I are going to be right next to you, kiddo. You're safe."

"Erin? Where's Erin?" Piper lifted her head slightly and relaxed when she saw her sister.

"I'm here too," Erin whispered, sitting on the bed gingerly, "Is it okay if I sit with you and Jay?"

Piper nodded gratefully and allowed Jay to set her down on the bed. He tucked the covers over the little girl before easing himself down on the bed, but as soon as he did, she scrambled beside him, desperate to be close to him. Erin smiled sadly. She loved how much Piper loved Jay, and her heart ached at the thought of ever having to take them away from each other. She was also admittedly bit jealous.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," Jay repeated as he laid down on the mattress, allowing Piper to cuddle up next to his chest, "Staying right here." He reached an arm out to Erin, who gratefully laid next to her sister. Jay always tried to bring her in. "Erin's here too."

Piper settled and sighed heavily when she felt her sister beside her. "I missed you," she whispered honestly, turning her head slightly to see Erin, "I-I thought you were gone, and I got scared."

"I'm not going anywhere either," Erin whispered into Piper's hair, "We're both here, Noodle." She gently stroked her little sister's arm, "You can sleep now, sweetheart."

She let out another breath and slowly, her breathing evened out.

"I um, I was tellin' Piper earlier that when I was a kid and I had a nightmare, I'd come in here lookin' for my mom," Jay swallowed, absentmindedly threading his fingers through Erin's hair as he stared up at the cracks in the ceiling, "When I was little, she'd pick me up and let me lie with her in bed til I fell asleep." He smiled fondly, "She um, always made me feel safe."

"She taught you a lot," Erin murmured. She turned her head slightly toward Jay, "You make us feel safe too."

Ask me how much I love Dad Jay, I dare ya. Up next: things get flirty and sweet