Episode Seven

Christmas At Acorn Antiques

NOTE TO FANS: the recovered copy of this extended episode starts with the original VT clock, counting down to recording. In the top right-hand corner, the clock is labelled "AA" and at the bottom it reads: "Merry Xmas" and "Bo Beaumont wears corsets".

Floor

Manager: VTR, this is Acorn Antiques at Christmas, take one.

At this point, Marion Clune can be heard shouting.

Executive

Producer: All right! Who wrote that? I want someone's cobblers for Christmas dinner!

The clock and inscriptions fade to black...

Scene One. The kitchen. It is decorated with more of the paper chains seen in the shop. A phone rings on the wall. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" is playing on a radio nearby.

Mrs Overall comes and picks up the receiver. The phone comes off the wall and falls to the floor. She goes on talking into receiver.

Mrs Overall: Hello? Acorn Antiques? No, sorry, we're closed, it's Christmas Day. Hang on, I'll turn the wireless off.

She goes towards the radio but the music stops before she gets there.

Voice-off: Keep going, Bo.

Mrs Overall: No, they're all still at church. No, well, I didn't have the heart to go, not after, you know. Well, I must go, my turkey won't stuff itself... Oh, don't worry about it. It's easy to get a wrong number. Bye.

She replaces the receiver, looking thoughtful.

Cut to Outside Broadcast. Ext. Church. Day. Establishing shots of the church, during which church bells can be heard. These cut out abruptly as we cut to the front of the church. The doors open and Babs, Berta, Clifford and Trixie emerge, dressed up to the nines for Christmas Day. Babs and Berta in furs etc. Somehow, Mrs Overall is also with them and she goes merrily scuttling off up the path. We can see through the open doors that the church is otherwise empty. The surrounding trees are in full leaf and there is brilliant hot sunshine.

Babs: That was a lovely service. You read so well, Clifford.

Clifford: A bit different from last year, eh? When we were trapped in the stockroom with that gunman and a box of mince pies!

Babs

and Berta: Ha ha ha!

Babs: And you and the choir sang the anthem beautifully, Trixie.

Clifford: Where did you learn to sing like that, anyway?

Trixie: In a bordello in Benidorm.

Babs: I always meant to ask. How did you manage to provide sophisticated entertainment and serve hamburgers?

Trixie: Well, we had to wash our hands.

Berta: Excuse me. I must go and wish old Mrs Caberley a Happy Christmas.

There is no one else in sight but she goes running off anyway. Babs and Clifford move closer together.

Clifford: Will there be a moment under the mistletoe for me before luncheon?

Babs: We shall have to see, good sir, shan't we? I know you. Couple of dry sherries and it'll be Casanova before the pudding's lit.

Clifford: Perhaps at the staff Christmas party at five o'clock?

They are standing very close to where Derek is standing with shears, pretending to clip a hedge. They couldn't have failed to notice him but Babs pretends to do so now.

Babs: Gosh, Clifford, look! (calls) Derek!

Derek: Miss Babs! And Mr Clifford! (he comes over to them)

Babs: Well! I certainly didn't expect to find you here! I thought you were spending Christmas looking after a sick aunt in Finchley.

Derek: Well, I was, Miss Babs, but turns out she's gone on holiday to the Swiss Alps.

Babs: Oh, jolly good luck for you!

Derek: Though how you can go tobogganing on a stretcher, I'll never know.

Clifford: It all goes down on the rates.

Derek: So I got myself a little holiday job here. Though really, when you've seen one grave, you've seem them all.

Babs: Well, you must come back and spend Christmas with us!

Derek: Oh no no, I couldn't...

Babs: I insist. Come to the sitting room about four o'clock. We should have finished lunch by then.

Derek: Oh, thank you, Miss Babs.

Babs: And then it's the staff party at five. You will remember to take your wellies off, won't you?

She goes off.

Derek: There stands a good woman.

Clifford: And even taller with her heels on.

He follows Babs. Trixie catches up with Derek.

Trixie: Coming to the staff party at five?

Derek: Well, only if a certain young lady allows me to lead her 'neath the mistletoe.

Trixie: Oh, we're not having mistletoe this year. It can be very dangerous and poisonous and lead to charges of harassment. So we've got some nice recycled paper chains instead.

Derek: In that case, I shall recycle our relationship come teatime.

They walk off up the path together. In the background, passing through the churchyard, are two sunburnt joggers wearing shades who look on in amazement.

Scene Two. Dining Room. There is quite a nice Christmas tree in the background. The table is set for lunch. Babs, Berta and Clifford approach. They are holding sherry glasses of blackcurrant juice.

Berta: This is turning into the nicest Christmas I can remember for a long time.

All the bulbs blow on the Christmas tree lights.

Berta: And no blackmail or mysterious strangers to ruin things.

Clifford: Funny, isn't it? At this time of year, don't you think of all those poor, lonely people who are on their own... or ill... or afraid...

Babs

and Berta: (sighing) Yes... (cheering up) Now let's have lunch!

They sit, Clifford at the head of the table.

Babs: We'd better get a move on if we're to be ready for the staff party at five.

Berta picks up a little bell and rings it. Nothing happens. She does so again, more loudly. The door opens, and Mrs Overall enters, staggering under a huge, very fake-looking turkey on a plate, surrounded by all the trimmings. She abandons it in front of Clifford, almost hiding him from view.

Mrs Overall: Here we are! A nice organic turkey, fully defrosted and cooked right through.

Berta: Because so many people don't know how to treat their turkeys properly, do they?

Babs: No, and they prick themselves with holly, or poison themselves with mistletoe.

Berta: Or make unsuitable relationships which sour by Boxing Day.

Clifford: I'll carve.

Mrs Overall: There's bravy and gread sauce on the trolley (there is no trolley in sight)

Berta: Lovely.

Babs: And what about the staff lunch, Mrs Overall?

Mrs Overall: Well, I've made some –

Babs: Lovely, see you later.

Berta: Don't forget the staff party at five.

Mrs Overall exits. Clifford is carving the fake turkey, which is collapsing under the effect.

Babs: (aside, to Berta, of Clifford) He doesn't know it yet. But I've bought a little surprise for him. His favourite. After this, we're all going to be enjoying his nuts.

Reaction from Berta.

Music.

Scene Three. The shop. The staff are assembled – Derek, Trixie and two male extras in brown coats with badges that say "Packing" and "Maintenance". A stagehand is changing a clock on the wall to five. He hastily backs out of shot.

Mrs Overall enters with a magnificent silver tray of canapés, which she sets down. She is wearing tinsel around her pinafore and headscarf.

Mrs Overall: Here's a few canopies I knocked up from leftovers, and there's brown ale and Babycham on the side.

Derek: You've done us proud, Mrs Overall.

Mrs Overall: Well, it's an Acorn Antiques Christmas, isn't it? We've got to push the moat out. Mush the boat out. (to Trixie) And what have you got planned for tonight, then?

Trixie: Well, Derek's going to cook me a haggis supper. Then we'll snuggle up in front of "The Great Escape" on his portable.

Mrs Overall: (laughs) Well sometimes old movies are you-know-who's way of saying have an early night!

Derek: Oh! Mrs Overall! That was positively risky!

Voice-off: Risqué.

Mrs Overall: I'll go and fetch Mr Clifford. (she goes to a curtain and calls through) Mr Clifford! It's five o'clock! It's time for the staff party!

Clifford, Babs and Berta enter through a completely different door. The staff cheer.

Clifford: Merry Christmas, everyone!

Mrs Overall: Now, where's your manners? Someone get Mr Clifford a Scotch egg.

Babs: Happy Christmas, everybody!

Derek: Now, what about a song, Mrs Overall?

Mrs Overall: Oh no, no...

Everyone: Yes!

Mrs Overall: Well. All right then. Maestro!

Cut to the back of the set, where a pianist at a grand piano has appeared. He strikes up a chord.

Mrs Overall: (sings with piano and electronic backing) We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year...

She goes on singing this, walking graciously among the staff and beaming.

When she gets to the lines about figgy pudding, Derek exits and re-enters with a Christmas pudding on a dish. Clifford takes a glass of brandy and matches from the counter nearby and lights the pudding. There is an almighty conflagration and he drops the whole thing on the floor. A studio fireman rushes in with extinguisher and puts it out. Mrs Overall goes on singing throughout.

Voice-off: Well done, Bo, you really are a true pro!

Mrs Overall: We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Applause and cheers from all the staff.

Music. Credits, including: "With thanks to the Rector and congregration of St Bartholemew's Church, Blessingham" and "Musical arrangements by Tom Quaver".

The whole staff raise glasses to the camera. The fireman is still stamping out the pudding at the back.

All: Merry Christmas!

Acorn Antiques is (c) Victoria Wood and no attempt is made to subvert this or any other copyright.