Prologue

All the sad songs, all the bad words
All the hurts, and all the tears
This is all that's left of us
Where do we go from here

All our memories, now are bitter
Our sweet days, now lonely years
This is all that's left of us
Where do we go from here

Where do we go from the ashes
Of the flame that burned so bright
Where do we go from the darkness
That's deeper than any night

All our love songs, now are echoes
All our smiles, now lonely tears
This is all that's left of us
Where do we go from here

Sonny James - Where Do We Go From Here?

Xichen stared unseeingly into his teacup, clasped loosely in his idle hands.

Eyes haunted, face pale; the very image of a man who had witnessed terrible things, and now could not forget them. He was slumped where he sat, defeat written in every aspect of his being.

His usually-pristine robes were wrinkled and creased, and his hair hung loose about his face; slightly dishevelled from running his fingers through it.

Like A-Yao had run his fingers through it when he...

Xichen shuddered. His hands shook as he carefully placed the teacup back onto the table, lest it slip through his trembling fingers.

While he would never admit it out loud, he was unspeakably grateful that Wangji had not returned to Cloud Recesses; much less returned with Wei Wuxian.

For all that he had spent so very long wishing to see his little brother happy, he was horribly, guiltily aware that he could not bear to witness that happiness now. Indeed; the very thought of it felt like it might be enough to drive him mad.

It was not fair to blame Wangji for his recent heartache; it would not even be fair to blame Wei Wuxian, regardless of the role either had played in what had happened.

Though it was true that had Wei Wuxian never returned to life it was entirely possible that he would never have had to suffer through the grief he did now; the helpless mixture of loss and betrayal currently choking him.

But even if that had been the case, it would not have ultimately changed the truth.

It only meant that he would have continued to live a lie.

Xichen closed his eyes in bitter resignation.

Did you even mean what you said that last time, A-Yao? Was I truly a fool in every way, to have opened myself to you so completely?

Was any of it ever real?

The thought circled endlessly around in his thoughts; had kept him from sleeping since the events at Guanyin Temple the previous day. Faced with his second sleepless night in a row, he had made himself some tea in an effort to calm his mind.

It wasn't really working.

Inside of him raged a storm that could not be silenced.

He felt so very many things, all at once. Was filled with such hurt, such directionless anger, and helpless grief. So much betrayal, heartbreak, guilt, and self-loathing.

Back when he and A-Yao were together for the first time, he had felt so guilty when he realised he was moving on after losing Mingjue.

He had comforted himself that the other man would not have wanted him to mourn forever, and that at least the other person he loved was someone who'd been important to them both.

Telling himself that it wasn't even truly moving on; when the arrangement between them existed solely for the benefits to their cultivation and had nothing at all to do with love or pleasure, regardless of his personal feelings towards his new partner.

That Mingjue had known of his feelings while he was alive, and never judged him for loving two different men; that Mingjue would be happy that Xichen had found comfort with the other man who held his heart.

Yet all along, his second cultivation partner had actually murdered his first. It sickened him.

Shame curled within his belly as he remembered the last time he and A-Yao had been together – the first and only time he had allowed the other man into his body the way he had done with Mingjue.

He should have known better than to sleep with A-Yao after hearing the theory that he had been responsible for Mingjue's death – he had known better, really; he'd merely allowed himself to be blinded by his own feelings and desires.

But he loved A-Yao, trusted him; wanted to believe in him so badly.

In the wake of Qin Su's sudden suicide, A-Yao was - or at least pretended to be - lost and grieving; shocked, saddened, and bewildered.

He had talked about how for all that he truly loved her, he was not in love with her, and wondered aloud if that had contributed to her death.

That she might have realised that his feelings for her had changed in the years since their relationship had necessarily become chaste after was she injured giving birth – not a lie, but not quite the truth, either; as the chaste nature of their marriage was not caused by birthing complications like A-Yao had claimed.

Heart aching, he wondered what excuse had been given to Qin Su herself to explain things, and if she had felt as foolish and betrayed as he had when she learned the truth.

Nausea swirled in his gut at the memory of how disrespectful his behaviour that day had been to Qin Su and Nie Mingjue both.

But he hadn't been thinking clearly at the time it happened.

In the midst of such powerful emotional turmoil, A-Yao had admitted that for a long time, the one he'd been in love with was Xichen.

Finally.

For years, Xichen had wished for that.

He had agreed to be A-Yao's partner in cultivation when his wife could not be, with the understanding that Qin Su would remain his partner in life and love.

Xichen would be his sworn brother; his best friend, who aided him with his cultivation, nothing more. He resigned himself to always keeping his feelings hidden in his heart, and never giving A-Yao reason to regret their arrangement.

And he had loved A-Yao for so very long; the years he'd loved A-Yao added up even more than the ones he'd been with Mingjue in the end.

He'd come to love the smaller man while he and Mingjue were together – and Mingjue had understood; not judged him, had trusted that Xichen would be faithful and been accepting of his desire to maintain a friendship with the other man he loved.

Then he had loved A-Yao through the lonely years after losing his first lover; had drawn strength and comfort from the support and friendship of the other love of his life, and had continued to love him through the bittersweet years when they became cultivation partners who both were and were not lovers in truth.

Had quietly accepted that it was the most he could ever have of the other man, and been grateful. Resigned to a one-sided love; but grateful nonetheless for what he had.

He thought he had long since buried any hope for more, but when A-Yao appeared so earnest and genuine; the way he'd looked at Xichen as he confessed his feelings for him had been impossible to fake.

Or so Xichen had thought.

Now he only wondered if that was just another way in which he had been foolish, or if A-Yao's last minute choice to push him to safety had been because at least some part of his feelings were true after all.

But then, oh, then...

A-Yao had offered him his heart, had asked Xichen to help him forget, and Xichen...

The tender way he touched him, and the heat of him on his skin...

Xichen had chosen to believe him; to believe in A-Yao and open himself up to the other man entirely. Both physically and emotionally.

The one thing that had always made him hold himself back emotionally in the past was the belief that their feelings were not equal. Hearing A-Yao profess his love had broken down his last defence towards keeping himself protected.

Physically he had not opened himself to A-Yao because his partner had promised his wife that he would not be sleeping with Xichen the way he would have been with her had he been able to do so.

Admittedly, with the benefit of hindsight, he could see that Qin Su had likely been told that her husband had suffered him an injury that made him unable to perform. She would have believed that he derived no pleasure from their duel cultivation sessions, and only practiced them in order to receive the infusion of yang energy to boost his golden core in a way which he was no longer physically capable of doing with a woman.

Incredibly clever, how A-Yao had managed to maintain two different fictions for so long. He'd managed it so smoothly and carefully that neither of them suspected that the other had not been told the same thing they had been, or that what they had been told might not be true.

But at the time, he knew nothing of that truth.

At the time, it simply meant that for the first time, he was free to surrender himself to A-Yao completely.

The feel of A-Yao's hands on him, gentle and sure...

As much as he loved being the one to care for A-Yao, to be the one in charge at times, he had also missed the freedom of being the one who was taken care of.

Hands stroking along his back, soft kisses dropped onto his shoulders...

Heart bursting with fulfilment, he had allowed himself to be kissed until he was incapable of remembering any reason why he shouldn't be sleeping with his lover.

The agonizing pleasure of having A-Yao in and all around him, stroking him, opening him up, sliding inside...

Utterly forgetting what he knew about the possibility of A-Yao's culpability in his former lover's death.

How Mingjue must have resented him for that!

In this moment, Xichen despised himself.

He fought to think of something – anything – that was not A-Yao. A sudden thought occurred to him, and his heart lurched in horror.

Jingyi!

His eyes flew open and he gasped.

It occurred to him that he had no idea what – if anything – his son knew about everything that had happened.

Much as he wished he could simply enter seclusion without delay, he still had to talk with Jingyi about the truth behind his other father's death.

A/N: This prompt from the MDZS Kink Meme 2020 really grabbed me for some reason. I normally don't care for LXC/JGY fic, because I hate JGY and don't want him to have had something he clearly wanted; but also because the betrayal would have been hard enough for LXC as best friends – as lovers it could have broken him irreparably. (Especially since the Lans supposedly only love once... ouch.)

But this prompt gave me *ideas*, so I decided to try something different.

Hope it satisfies!

(I keep forgetting to say, I'm fine with being de-anon-ed!)

Prompt:
What if JGY and LXC had started dual cultivating to improve JGY's core? Maybe JGY had dabbled in a bit of demonic cultivation on the side.

A month after the events at Guanyin Temple, Lan Xichen is in seclusion struggling with major depression and realises something doesn't feel right.

OR

In a world where a man getting pregnant through dual cultivation is improbable but not impossible, Lan Xichen finds out he's a month pregnant with Jin Guangyao's child.

No particular fandom. No particular squicks. All I ask is no Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics.