Mourning
Merlin closed the door to Arthur's chambers slowly and rested his head on the wood for a few seconds before turning. The prince, well, king now, was sitting on his desk, staring out the window, tears streaming down his face.
"Arthur."
"He was a horrible man. I know that."
"No, he wasn't. He was a good man who had a horrible past."
"He made mistakes. And something inside him changed the guilt he felt into anger which he took out on others. He murdered so many innocent people. Is it wrong for me to mourn a man like that?"
"No," Merlin walked over to Arthur and stood in front of him, "He was your father. He proved time and time again that he'd do anything for you."
"But he would have killed you in a heartbeat if he ever found out."
"Wars are difficult things," Merlin said, placing a hand on each of Arthur's knees, "Anything the opposition does in retaliation only angers the other further. And it's an endless cycle. Difficult to end. Your father just never found the strength. He was too possessed by his fear and anger."
Arthur nodded slightly, "There are so many things I wanted to say to him."
"Don't focus on your regrets. Focus on good things."
"It's hard when he's not here to remember them too."
"Then tell me."
They moved over to the bed and sat there for hours. Arthur spoke of ever happy memory he could possibly think of that he had with his father. Merlin listened closely, smiling and laughing.
Arthur finished his stories by breaking down into tears once more. "He's gone, Merlin. Actually gone."
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"How can I carry on after him?"
"You're ready to be king, Arthur. You're strong and kind and the people love you. They all trust you."
"How do I know that I deserve that trust?"
"Of course you do."
"I'll ruin his legacy. Everything he fought against and built, I'll take apart."
"Every king brings something different to their reign. You'll do what you think is best and that's what's important."
"And what if I don't do what's best?"
"You will."
"I wish he had more time to help guide me. Teach me. A king shouldn't feel this helpless."
"A king is just as entitled to having emotions as any other."
"It's a sign of weakness."
"You just lost your father," Merlin said gently, "No man with any sort of love in his heart would be alright after that. Everyone needs time, Arthur. It's ok to admit that."
"There are so many things that need doing."
"Not now," Merlin soothed, raising a hand and placing it on Arthur's cheek, "You need to rest."
"I have to go and say goodbye," Arthur said, shuffling away from Merlin, "Will you stay here? Be here when I get back?"
"Of course. You're not alone, Arthur. Never forget that."
"Thank you, Merlin."
Merlin waited patiently while Arthur went to pay his final respects to his father. He couldn't even begin to imagine the pain and pressure he must be feeling. There was nothing he could do to make it better. Losing someone you love is never easy but when it's your father, the man you look up to, the man who raised you- that's a different kind of suffering all together.
Arthur returned with tear stains all down his face, looking more heartbroken than Merlin had ever seen him. His hands were shaking, his lip trembling.
"No one can say anything to me except sorry," Arthur muttered, "And that just makes me feel worse."
"Come here," Merlin said sympathetically and he waited while Arthur made his way over and sat on the bed beside him, "There's no power in this whole world that can make you forget him. Everything he taught you and how much he loved you. That will stay with you forever."
"I'm going to be compared to him."
"Maybe for a while. But then you'll make your own legacy."
"It really hurts, Merlin. More than I ever thought it would."
Merlin didn't know what to say to that so he just took Arthur's hand and let him lean into his side.
"Don't ever leave me," Arthur whispered, "You're all I have left."
"I won't. Not ever."
Merlin watched Arthur closely throughout Uther's funeral ceremony. Once or twice, Arthur would bite his lip to keep his emotions in check but the rest of the time he looked strong and proud. That made Merlin smile. Of course, no one was expecting Arthur not to be sad after losing his father but Arthur had explained to Merlin just that morning that he would be strong for the sake of his father. To show he was proud to be his son and prove that he would follow in his footsteps to lead Camelot to the best of his ability.
"You did well," Merlin said that evening when they were in Arthur's chambers, "Are you ok?"
"I think so," Arthur nodded slowly, "Yes."
Merlin smiled.
"Will you stay here tonight with me? All night, I mean."
Merlin hesitated but said genuinely, "If you want me to."
"I need someone to talk to," Arthur explained, "I don't think I can keep driving myself crazy all night with my own thoughts."
"I should probably tell Gaius," Merlin said, "But I'll bring you up something to eat when I come back."
"Be quick," Arthur requested more than commanded.
Arthur seemed to want his skin to be touching Merlin's skin in as many places as possible. They lay ridiculously close together, facing each other with heads resting on one another's shoulders. Their arms were wrapped around each other, their legs tangled together, their chests pressed together.
"I'll be crowned King of Camelot tomorrow," Arthur said quietly, "King."
Merlin nodded, "Are you nervous?"
"Terrified. But also," Arthur paused, "I think I'm ready. Because I have to be."
"You've been ready for a long time. Just please, Arthur, don't try to do this all on your own. You have me and Gaius and the knights to help you. You can trust all of us and we'll help you as best we can."
"My father never had guidance from others."
"That's not true. He had his council. And he had you."
"Me?" Merlin felt Arthur's face contort in confusion.
"To challenge him when he needed to be challenged."
"He never listened," Arthur chuckled, "He'd just lock me in my room."
"Not every time. You need other people around you to help keep you on your path. Otherwise you could find yourself straying onto another where you don't want to be. You and your father taught each other a lot."
"It's strange to imagine him gone. My whole life, I've relied on the knowledge that wherever I went or whatever I did, he'd be here at home waiting. That's not the case anymore."
"It was always going to happen at some point."
"I imagined I'd be older," Arthur said, "That I would feel more ready."
They held each other all night. Arthur felt much less alone with someone else there with him. He didn't sleep much but could feel Merlin's deep, steady breaths all night which made him feel oddly rested by the morning. They got ready for the coronation in silence. Merlin made up a bath for Arthur and while the future king was washing, Merlin prepared his clothes for the ceremony.
When Arthur was dressed and ready, he looked at Merlin for a few seconds, then disappeared behind the screen. Reappearing with a fine set of clothes, he said, "I want you to wear these."
Merlin studied them in shock, "Really?"
"I can't have you standing looking like that at my coronation, Merlin. It'll make me look awful."
Merlin smiled, "Thank you."
"Go on," Arthur pointed across the room.
Merlin stared at him blankly, "What?"
"Bath. Get in it. Now."
"But-"
"We have plenty of time, Merlin, they can hardly start my own coronation without me."
Merlin bathed quickly and then timidly took the clothes from Arthur. "They're just clothes, Merlin, they're not going to kill you."
Merlin ducked behind the screen and got dressed, hardly feeling worthy of touching the fabric. Feeling strangely embarrassed, he re-emerged and stood in front of Arthur who took Merlin's wrists and forced Merlin's hands away from each other. He'd been picking at his fingernails nervously and refusing to meet Arthur's gaze.
Arthur put a finger on Merlin's chin and forced his head up to look at him, "Why are you so uncomfortable?"
"I don't deserve clothes like this."
"Says who? You look amazing."
"I'm a servant, Arthur. Not a lord or a prince."
"I could give you to servant's official robes to wear if you'd prefer."
Merlin scowled at him.
"I'll be king soon," Arthur said, "And when I am, I'll give you the world."