Who Would Win: Bachelorette Edition
Note: All characters besides Ray Stakenas, James Gavsie, and Chris Harrison are fictional. I don't own The Who Would Win Show, Bayonetta, Harry Potter, The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. Also, in this AU Ray and James are both single and unmarried. Well, here we go!
Act I, Scene 1
Setting: Chris Harrison is standing in front of the Bachelor mansion
Chris Harrison: Hello! I'm Chris Harrison and welcome to this new season of The Bachelorette. You are about to experience the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette ever as Sierra Storm goes through a crazy journey to find love! She has 20 eligible bachelors to choose from, but only one will get the final rose!
Who Would Win Announcer Voice: Who would win?!
Chris: Wrong show buddy!
Who Would Win Announcer Voice: Oh sorry... Who would get the final rose?!
Chris: That's better!
Chris: Let's bring on the bachelorette—Sierra Storm!
End Scene
Act I, Scene 2
Setting: Sierra Storm's intro video.
Sierra Storm: Hello, I'm Sierra Storm!
Scene cuts to the Rocky Mountains
Sierra: I grew up in Colorado, wrestling bears in the unforgiving Rocky Mountain wilderness! My parents are both CEO's of their own respective software companies and they live in a palatial mansion in Denver. But I grew tired of that princess life so after I turned 18, I went out to the top of the tallest mountain in the Rockies I could find and built my very own log cabin there! *Sierra flexes her biceps*
Video footage of Sierra building her log cabin is shown...who is filming it though...? The camera turns and reveal's that it was Bigfoot that was filming! Mystery solved!
Sierra: But you know this top-of-a-mountain-life *sad violin music starts playing* gets lonely sometimes... *Sierra starts to tear up, then glares at the camera* Hey turn off that camera—I got something in my eye! Anyways, I'm ready to find love—these guys had better be good!
End Scene
Act I, Scene 3
Setting: Outside the Bachelor Mansion
A limo pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion.
Chris: Ah, here she is! The woman of the hour: Sierra Storm!
Sierra gets out of the limo wearing a sleeveless red gown that shows off her...toned arms...
Sierra: *Shouting* How's it going Chris?!
Chris: I-I'm ok thanks Sierra! How are you doing? I know we're outdoors, but you're wearing a mic so you don't have to use your outdoor voice... *nervous laughter*
Sierra: *Laughs heartily* Enough chit-chat—bring on the men!
Chris: Yes ma'am!
Chris goes inside the mansion. Another limo pulls up to the mansion where Sierra is rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
A confident man exits the limo and pompously approaches Sierra.
Confident Man: Hey there good looking!
Sierra: Excuse me? Did you just objectify me? *Sierra starts glaring and flexing her biceps*
Confident Man: Ha, and you're feisty too! My name is Chad, and I am here to grace you with my presence!
Sierra: Yeah whatever, next!
Chad: Don't you want to know my last name?
Sierra: *glares*
Chad: Um...okay... *runs inside the mansion*
A man riding a horse arrives. He descends from the horse in a graceful and athletic manner. He then approaches Sierra, smiling with gleaming white teeth. He also has sparkling blue eyes...and an unbelievably Adonic-looking face, all topped off with luscious fair hair...
Sierra: Yeah? Whaddya want pretty boy?
"Pretty Boy": Greetings, beauteous Sierra! My name is Handso Mann, and the pleasure *flips hair* is all mine!
Sierra: *Sighs* ok, you've had your five seconds of fame, NEXT!
Handso: Yes milady. *Walks to the mansion leaving sparkles in his wake...?*
A helicopter lands in front of Sierra
Sierra: This better be worth my messed-up hair!
A man with thick glasses exits the helicopter. He starts to walk towards Sierra, but trips and almost falls along the way.
Sierra: Great...a clumsy guy...
Clumsy Guy: Hi... *pauses, looking nervous* I-I'm...I mean my name is... Ner D. Guy.
Sierra: Chill out nerdy guy!
Ner: It's Ner D. Guy!
Sierra: Whatev's, see you inside! *Ner also runs towards the mansion like Chad did...*
15 more guys arrived, but they're not that important to the story, so I won't focus on them. ?
Then the last limo arrived.
Sierra: Finally, these guys are all so dull and boring... I'm so glad that this is the last one so that way I can finally start sending them home...
The last limo's door opened to the sound of arguing inside spilling out into the quiet Los Angeles evening air. Both men are arguing with raised and loud voices, one significantly louder than the other.
Louder Man: Now look here James, I'm *telling you* that Bayonetta could easily, EASILY defeat Molly Weasley!
Not As Loud Man: Really now? Have you not read any Harry Potter book or seen *any* of the Harry Potter movies?
Both men keep sitting in their opened limo, arguing loudly. Sierra gets fed up by being ignored by these last two men and marches up to the limo and slams the roof of the limo, and the two men grow suddenly quiet as they look at this rudely interrupting woman.
Ray: Excuse me?! We're having an educated debate here!
James: *laughs* Oh we made it to the Bachelor Mansion. Remember we signed up to be on the Bachelorette? *Smiles at Sierra* Hello, you must be Sierra. *James starts using his Intoxicating Mind Fog (IMF) on Sierra* My name is James, pleased to meet you!
Sierra becomes suddenly more friendly after James used his IMF on her. She starts giggling giddily.
Sierra: *Giggling* Oh...aren't you charming...*goes inside the Bachelor Mansion and comes back* Here, you can have the First Impression Rose! *Gives First Impression Rose to James while Ray seethes angrily*
Ray: *still shouting* EXCUSE ME LADY?! WHAT AM I—CHOPPED LIVER?!"
James and Sierra laugh. All three of our heroes approach the Bachelor mansion, where 17 suddenly super jealous men eye James and his First Impression Rose enviously. I say 17, because Handso Mann never gets jealous...at least not yet...
End Scene.
End of Act I
TO BE CONTINUED! :o
Note: There will be "In the Moments" or ITM's in the scenes for the rest of the Fanfiction. These are those scenes in reality shows when a person talks to the camera by themselves...well there might be producers or crew members behind the camera, but still... Ok on with the show! ?
Act II, Scene 1
Setting: Inside the Bachelor Mansion.
All 18 men inside the Bachelor Mansion cheer upon seeing Sierra enter the room—who insisted she enter the Bachelor Mansion first because she's "the star of the show", but the cheering abruptly stops when Ray and James come in after Sierra.
Ray: *muttering* Gee...tough crowd.
James: *Laughs*
Sierra: Uh, hi...I guess...
All the men: Hi Sierra!
Sierra: I'm not so good at this whole giving speeches thing, so uh... enjoy this cocktail party while I decide which of you I'll send home...I mean give roses too! *laughs nervously*
All the men: Ok!
Chad (ITM): Ok seriously—what the %$ was Sierra thinking giving this James guy the First Impression Rose before even getting to know us? Not cool lady, not cool...
Chad: *grabs Sierra's hand* Can I steal you for a moment.
Sierra: *Judo flips Chad* What?! Don't touch me you creep.
Director: Cut!
Producer: Sierra, you can't just Judo flip these guys every time they touch you! Haven't you seen the show—there tends to be a lot of touching! What were you thinking before you signed up for the show?! Why did we even choose you...?
Director: Oooh, but let's keep that in... I feel like it will bring in the ratings if we have some *action* in these shots!
James: You know I have an extensive MMA background!
Director: I like what I'm hearing!
Ray: Yeah, well—I'm a pro wrestler!
Director: Oh...that's cool... Ok enough distractions let's get on with the episode—ACTION!
End Scene
Act II, Scene 2
Setting: Bachelor Mansion Backyard
Ner D. Guy: I can't believe that Chad is *still* talking to Sierra! He is hogging all the time we have to spend with her!
Ray: Oh no—not if I have anything to say about that! *Marches towards the loveseat where Sierra is rolling her eyes at Chad*
Chad: *To Sierra* And then I saved the world...again!
Sierra: Please...
Chad: Yes, please tell you another world-saving story—gladly!
Sierra: Please spare me another boring story!
Ray approaches Sierra and Chad. Sierra looks grateful while Chad looks angry.
Sierra (ITM): Ray came to save the day! Finally, someone was going to save me from this obnoxious Chad...
Ray: Chad—how DARE you take all the Sierra-time!
Chad: *voice rising dangerously* how dare I...? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT OUR CHAD-TIME!
Ray and Chad are about to fight, but there is a sudden shout by the pool.
Ner D. Guy: Oh no! 5 of the bachelors just slipped and fell into the pool! *starts crying*
The 5 bachelors who fell in the pool get out of said pool and are also crying. They scream that they want to go home, which they do...
Chris Harrison: Due to these changes of circumstances, you don't have to send any men home tonight Sierra. So, there won't be a Rose Ceremony.
Sierra: Oh no I want to send five of these guys home ASAP!
Chris: Alright, prepare for the Rose Ceremony!
End Scene
Act II, Scene 3
Setting: Rose Ceremony Room
Chris: This is the Rose Ceremony. There are 15 bachelors left. There are, as per Sierra's request, only 9 roses for her to give away. If you don't receive a rose, you must leave.
Rose Ceremony music starts playing. Sierra picks up a rose.
Sierra: Ray will you accept this rose?
Ray: YES! I GOT THE FIRST ROSE! IN YOUR FACE EVERYONE! HA!
Ray (ITM): Getting the first rose felt great, and then James said...
James: Actually, I technically got the first rose!
James (ITM): The timing was just so perfect! ?
Ray (ITM): *Growling*
Ray: *Growls while he walks back to his Rose Ceremony spot.*
Sierra: *Picks up a rose* Handso Mann!
Handso Mann: *Walks to Sierra* Yes Sierra?
Sierra: You know what this means silly? Do you accept this rose or not?!
Handso: Oh...yes...I do! *Sierra puts the rose on his suit while Handso gives his billion-dollar smile.*
Handso (ITM): Oh wow, I got a rose! I was terrified that I was going to go home, as all these men are all so wonderful. And there is something...intoxicating about that James fellow...
Sierra: Nerdy Guy!
Ner D. Guy: I told you—it's Ner D. Guy! Guy is pronounced Gee—IT'S FRENCH!
Sierra: Whatever Nerdy GEE! Do ya want the rose or not!
Ner: Yes...I do... *laughs nervously and gets his rose*
Sierra continues to give roses away until only one remains.
Sierra: *sighs* I might regret this...but Chad?
Chad: *clearly annoyed at being chosen last* WHAT?!
Sierra: *Taken aback* Whaddya mean WHAT? Do you want this rose?
Chad: *Pouting* Well fine...since you asked... *gets the last rose, but doesn't look to happy about it*
Chris: Ok, if you didn't get a rose then it's buh-bye...I mean...the end of your Bachelorette Journey...I'm so sorry.
The 5 Bachelors without roses go home, seemingly relieved to be away from all these weirdos...I mean good-looking TV people haha!
Sierra: Ok let's toast or whatever. *Everyone toasts*
Chad (ITM): This isn't over... If Sierra thinks that she can humiliate me by choosing me, Chad The Great, last then she's got another thing coming! And that Ray and James duo...they think that they're going to steal the show from *me!* They'll see! They'll all see! *evil laugh.*
End scene
End of Act II
Act III, Scene 1
Setting: Hawaii, Hawaii Island.
Sierra and 5 of the bachelor contestants are wandering around a lush rainforest in the Hilo region of Hawaii Island. They're on a nature walk type-group date.
Sierra (ITM): It's so nice to be able to enjoy the natural beauty of Hawaii. I mean these 5 guys aren't that great, but at least the scenery is awesome! ?
Sierra is walking when she comes to a sudden stop.
Sierra: Wait...do you hear that?
One of the 5 bachelors: No... maybe you're hearing things.
Another one of the 5 bachelors: Yeah, I mean you are a crazy lady after all!
Sierra: What? No. Not that! I mean I thought I heard a weird noise!
All of the 5 bachelors laugh. Sierra seems too worried to get angry for once.
Suddenly Sierra and the 5 bachelors are caught in a snare net trap!
The director, producer, and camera crew flee out of fear...I mean they're running to go get help!
A mysterious figure approaches the 6 trapped reality stars!
Sierra: Hey it's you! Help us!
Mysterious Figure: Silly Sierra! I am the one who set up this trap!
Sierra: What? How could you...? You're not getting away with this!
Mysterious Figure: Oh yes I will. I mean, who's going to stop me?
End Scene
Act III, Scene 2
Setting: Hawaiian Villa where the Bachelorette contestants are staying.
Handso Mann: I wonder how their group date is going?
Chad: Who cares?
James: I think that they should have been back by now...I mean it's getting dark...
Ray: Well, I think that if something happened, someone would let us know...
There is a knock at the door.
Ray goes to answer the door.
James: Wait—what if it's a trap!
Ray: Like I'm scared of some little trap. *Ray checks the door peephole anyway.* They really should have Ring or something installed on this door. I mean this show rakes in all this dough, why can't they give us better security-
James: Well, who is it?!
Ray: It's Chris! *lets Chris in*
Chris Harrison: Guys, I've got bad news.
All the guys are silent. Even Ray and Chad, can you believe it?
Chris: Sierra and those 5 bachelors have been kidnapped!
Handso: Wait...where's Nerdy Guy?
All of a sudden, the windows shattered and hundreds of 5-feet-tall humanoid robot androids jumped into the villa! Ner D. Guy calmly walks into the villa with a look of triumph on his face.
Ner D. Guy: I think you mean Ner D. Guy.
End Scene
Act III, Scene 3
Setting: The Hawaiian Villa that just got invaded by hundreds of Humanoid Robotic Androids.
Ray: Ok, we've covered a lot of weirdness on the Who Would Win show, but I think this takes the cake!
Ner D. Guy: Oh no it does not my friend! For you see I will be the one who gets his cake and eats it too!
Chad: Wait—there's cake?! Where?!
James: It's a saying...
Chad: Well somebody better be saying where the cake is! I'm super hungry over here!
Chris: I think that there are more pressing matters than cake here Chad.
Ray: But cake is a big deal!
Ner: ENOUGH! *Ner presses a button on his remote and all of the Robotic Android's eyes glow red* Have you forgotten that I'm still here! I'm sick and tired of being invisible all the time while all of you get all the attention! Well, no more! I'm taking over the world, and then NO one will ignore me, or mispronounce my name, ever again!
Handso: So you're taking over the world just because people ignore you and make fun of your name? Don't you think that's a bit much?
Ner: No, someone like you wouldn't understand! Handsome men like you, Handso Mann, always get the girls and lots of friends with little to no effort while people like me are doomed to obscurity and a life of loneliness. But now I shall get the girl and I shall rule the world so all those who ignored and made fun of me will now obey me!
Chad: Not cool bro, totally uncool!
Ner: Oh you thought that was uncool then watch this! *Ner presses another button on his remote and the robots start to attack* Now I'm off to Hapuna Beach where I shall make the formidable Sierra my powerful bride! Then none shall stop us and our Android army! *Ner leaves with a triumphant wave of his cape. Why is he wearing a cape in this heat...?*
Ray: Ha the five of us can take on these Android chumps no problem!
Chris, Handso, and Chad scream and run and hide to the bathroom and lock the door.
James: Well, it just looks like it's just you and me buddy!
Ray and James then proceed to kick some robot butt! But although they destroy countless robots, there are just too many of them!
Ray: There are just too many of them.
James: I think you mean that we are outnumbered.
Ray: Really? You're trying to one-up me—NOW?!
James: Every time is a good time to one-up you Ray!
Ray and James then start arguing while fighting off the robots. Suddenly James uses his Intoxicating Mind Fog.
Android Robots: NO MAKE IT STOP! *They cover their ears*
Ray: Make what stop?
Android Robots: That horrible Intoxicating Mind Fog, it destroys our central processing systems!
James: Oh, wow thanks for letting us know. *James start using his Intoxicating mind fog* So you see you wonderful robots, I think that it would be best if you all just stopped fighting us, we've all had a long day!
Android Robots: NOOO! *All the robots suddenly break and fall to the ground with a collective whomp*
Chris Harrison tentatively opens the bathroom door.
Chris: Is all the robot-fighting over?
Ray: Yeah! Thanks for all the help by the way...
Chris: Oh please don't tell anyone I hid in the bathroom, it's bad for my cool-guy image!
Director: Who cares about that? I caught the whole thing on tape! This will REALLY bring in the ratings!
Handso: But what about Sierra and the 5 other bachelors? Shouldn't we be rescuing them or calling 911 or something?
Chad: Nope, I've had enough excitement for one day...
James: But you were hiding in the bathroom for the during the whole robot-fighting thing...
Handso: I for one have had enough of screaming and running and hiding! I'm going to redeem myself and help you all rescue Sierra and the 5 bachelors!
Ray: That would be a kinda cool band name—Sierra and the 5 Bachelors!
Handso: Ray!
Ray: Right, right...rescuing time!
Chad: Oh man! I'm going to look totes lame if I don't go, so wait for me!
End Scene
Act III, Scene 4
Setting: Hapuna Beach
A lovely young couple, named Donny and Donna, are standing hand-in-hand on the beach, enjoying the gorgeous sunset reflected on the seemingly endless ocean. Romantic isn't it? ?
Donna: It was the perfect day! What could possibly ruin this day?
Donny: I don't know about what could possibly ruin it, but I know what will improve it. *Donny takes Donna's hands and dances her around until she is facing the beautiful ocean sunset. Donny then gets on one knee and pulls out an engagement ring."
Donny: Donna will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?
Donna's eyes grew wide with surprise! And then terror.
Donna: *Screaming* NOOOO!
Donny: Gee, I didn't think it'd be THAT bad marrying me. *Donny puts the ring away and gets up.*
Donna: No, it's not that—LOOK! *Donna points a trembling finger towards the ocean*
Donny spun around and made a shocked face that nearly mirrored Donna's.
An enormous shapeless mass began slowly emerging from the ocean. It was shaped like a giant humanoid android robot!
Donny and Donna fled!
Donny: *Saying while running and out of breath* So... will...you...MARRY ME?
Donna: "Yes...of course I will...but let's get really far away from that robot thing for now!"
Danny and Donna nearly ran into our five heroes: Ray James, Chris, and Handso!
Chad: Don't forget about me!
Narrator: Oh yeah, that's right—and Chad too!
Danny and Donna: RUN!
Our Five Heroes: WE ARE RUNNING!
Danny and Donna: NO! RUN THE OTHER WAY!
But it was too late our five heroes were already face-to-face with the giant android robot!
Ner D. Guy was visible from a giant window on the robot's torso. He was sitting on a command chair and laughing manically.
Sierra and the 5 bachelor contestants were visible from another window on the robot's torso. They were imprisoned on a cell below Ner's command chair!
Ner: Surrender now all you beachgoers! Or these 6 people are going to pay!
Random Beachgoer: So? Why should we care—we don't know those people!
Ner: REALLY?! Where is your sense of morality people?!
Ray: You've got some nerve talking about morality right now Ner!
Ner suddenly noticed our five heroes.
Ner: IMPOSSIBLE! How did you survive my android army!?
Chad: Yeah, how did you all defeat all those dorky robots?
Ner: HEY! I thought I designed them to look cool... BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT! It was I from the beginning! Back at the Bachelor Mansion, I made the ground around the pool slippery! I was hoping you'd all slip and fall into the pool and then want to leave the show forever so I'd get my world-conquering mighty bride Sierra all to myself-
Sierra: EWWW! I'D NEVER WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH YOU! Or take over the world in general—that seems like WAY too much responsibility!
Ner: ANYWAYS—AS I WAS SAYING—SURRENDER OR DIE!
James: It would be a shame to get your nice-looking robot all messy with our blood.
Ner's giant robot started to short circuit and break down. The windows on the robot's torso opened!
Ner: NO! STOP GIVING MY ROBOT COMPLIMENTS JAMES! YOUR INTOXICATING MIND FOG IS DESTROYING MY ROBOT'S CENTRAL PROCESSING SYSTEM!
Ray: That's how we defeated the robot army, by the way. That and my killer wrestling moves *smiles proudly*
Chris: Um, shouldn't we rescue everyone on board before we start bragging? Oh and also before the robot falls over and probably kills them?
So that's just what they did!
Ner wasn't too happy about being rescued from his nearly-destroyed robot though.
Ner: No—my world domination plans were ruined!
Director: I'll give you a starring role in my new movie, you're a star kid!
Ner: Oh ok cool!
Chris: What?! Are you crazy?! He tried to take over the world and tried to kill a bunch of people! And he almost ruined MY SHOW!
The Bachelorette crew glared at Chris.
Chris: Ok fine...he almost ruined OUR SHOW! What...why are you looking at me like that. Oh ok fine, he can be in your new movie... *laughs nervously*
James: You're a star AND a skilled engineer as well!
The giant android robot couldn't take all of James's IMF powers so it fell over and exploded in a shower of fireworks.
Everyone: HOORAY!
Producer: We understand if you don't want to do the show anymore Sierra...
Sierra: Are you kidding! This was super fun! And I've already chosen one of the men!
Everyone gave Sierra their rapt and undivided attention.
End Scene
Act III, Scene 5
Setting: Hapuna Beach
Sierra pulled a rose out of her pocket.
Everyone leaned in a bit closer, even the random beachgoers.
Sierra: Before I give this final rose, I just wanted to say that I think you're all great! And these were probably the best few days of my life. This was such a great experience, but there can only be one final rose! *The five bachelors that were imprisoned run away, they've had just about enough of this* Um ok, I only have five men to choose from now, but I've already decided! Ner D. Guy you're a bit too megalomaniacal for me, so I didn't choose you. Handso Mann, I think you're great. Too great! Your perfection is just too boring for me so I didn't choose you either!
Ray: You OBVIOUSLY chose me then!
Sierra: Actually...no I didn't Ray! You and James spent way more time arguing with each other than you both did paying attention to me! So, I didn't choose either you or James.
James: She makes a good point.
Chad: So that means...
Sierra: Yes Chad—Will you accept this final rose and marry me! Let's be obnoxious together!
Chad: HECK TO THE YEAH...will there be cake at the wedding?
Sierra: OBVIOUSLY!
Chad: THEN I AM SO MARRYING YOU!
Ray: This is such %$%$#! WHY DID YOU PICK CHAD OF ALL PEOPLE?! THIS IS THE WORST SHOW EVER! #RayWasRobbed
Producer: Actually, we wanted to make you the next Bachelor Ray!
Ray: I DIDN'T MEAN ANY OF THAT! THE BACHELORETTE AND THE BACHELOR ARE THE BEST SHOWS EVER...SECOND ONLY TO THE WHO WOULD WIN SHOW OF COURSE!
James: But if you're going to be the next Bachelor, then who'll be my co-host for the upcoming season of The Who Would Win Show? We start recording next week!
Ray: *Grumbling* Oh all right, I'll give up being The Bachelor to continue being your co-host...but not because we're friends or anything!
James: You're right. You're doing it because we're best friends. ?
Ray: Don't push your luck buddy!
Producer: But then who will be our next Bachelor?! *Looks at the ever-so-beautiful Handso Mann* I know!
Handso: What...me? Aww shucks, I'd be honored to be your next Bachelor. *smiles a megawatt smile that makes the some of the local beachgoers give fangirl squeals*
Producer: Yes! Handso Mann—you are the next Bachelor—congratulations!
Beachgoing Handso Mann Fangirls: SIGN ME UP!
The End! ?