Blinding Lights
Disc: I don't own Naruto nor Blinding Lights from The Weekend, which I recommend to listen while reading.
He was so bored! Utterly bored. Exhaustion painting all over his face, at least the visible part to people's eyes, and he could swear without a trace of doubt that the other half, the forbidden one showed the same. He smiled to himself at the thought. When was the last time that somebody has seen his face complete and unmasked? A doctor or two, perhaps, yes. After so many battles, so many missions, so many wars, it was kind of inevitable. They had seen the face under the black spandex mask attached to his sleeveless uniform shirt, sure, but his real face? The one under the mask that lays under the mask? He wasn't even sure how long has it pass since he, himself, dare to take a look at it. Of course, he knew his face, features and marks: his history written all over it. But facing it in front of the mirror reflection, and acknowledge his true deep self was something else. Something that he wasn't able to do, he didn't have the strength, not even the will to do it. It was terrifying and unsettling and even more now that he was the Hokage. It was funny, almost hilarious. One day he was the favourite Anbu prodigy, and the other he was the old Hokage of Konoha. Ironically he never wanted it. Of course, he was devoted to his village, he would do everything for his people, to protect them, take care and try his best to improve everyone's lives,
he had a past to back him up. He had sacrificed more than anyone for Konoha, even his closest ones. His hands had been stained with blood, and he could still see them stained. The ghosts haunted him every night, sometimes they didn't even let him sleep; even so, he had given everything he had to attend to the needs of his village. He had obeyed orders without saying a word. He had executed each mission in silence, knowing that he would bear the consequences of them on his shoulders forever. He had seen friends die, some of them twice, and yet he had always moved on without looking back so as not to become a monster. He had seen his students grow up into adults, those who he once protected, trained and guide through the dark path of being a Shinobi, were now all grown-ups living their own lives as they pleased. And yet here he was, with a job he didn't desire but accepted anyway, why? Because he loved Konoha, despite everything.
He looked through the window, the sun was starting to set as it did the city. The times were changing, everything seems so peaceful now through the sunset light, and yet he felt anxiety deep in his core. Something he couldn't even explain to himself. He wondered how all the Hokages did it before him. How they went through the most terrible times, and instead, now that was definitely peace and calm, he didn't know what to do. He was feeling lost, craving for a past that was no better but at least made him forget how it felt to be Hatake Kakashi for a while. He got up from his chair and went to the window. Once again, he looked at the horizon and sighed. He has hunched over again, a posture he had adopted over time, not because he couldn't stand upright, but so they wouldn't see him. Perhaps that way he went unnoticed, a way to make no one expect anything from him. This position served him well. He could seem carefree, oblivious to what was happening around him, sometimes unattainable, lazy and even occasionally irresponsible. Yet, there he was, in the highest position to which anyone can aspire. The truth was that he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he even wasn't feeling that old yet. He started thinking in Tsunade, what a woman. She was powerful, determinate, strong. The sannin was a force to reckon, she had been a great Hokage, even with her fierce character and her unusual orders and behaviour. He would like to talk to her now, but it was not the time.
He wondered what she could do at moments like these ones when the situation was critical, but it didn't have anything to do with external menaces, civilian crisis, or whatever. He smiled to himself. The Godaime would have drunk until she lost consciousness and reason. She would get so drunk that her doubts and fears would be clouded by the alcohol and the next morning she would have moved on. He wasn't sure he could do the same. The problem with alcohol is that it seems to have different effects on each person. He knew it well. He wasn't much of a drinker, but the times he tried to drink his worries away, he ended up being an idiot: drinking leads him to think, and thinking makes him feel idiotic.
The Hokage tower was already empty, Shikamaru was the last one to leave after asking Kakashi once and again if he needed it something. The kid had always been smart, or he was becoming more transparent over the years. Can everyone read him like an open book now? Kakashi dismissed Shikamaru waving his hand nonchalantly. Nothing the boy said or did could get him out of the bad mood he was in at the time. What would they talk about anyway? He wasn't going to tell the Nara boy nothing about his boredom, his anxiety, his lack of enthusiasm about his work, or for that matter, the loneliness he was feeling. There, he said it. Loneliness. How much a simple word could hurt? Apparently, a lot.
Despite his own good judgment, he went to the cabinet where he knew Tsunade kept her private stock of sake that for some reason (as if she knew he was going to need it sooner or later) was left behind. The first drink was harsh, it was always the same, the burning throat, the tears that leapt involuntarily from his eyes and the chill that ran down his back, bristling the hair on the back of his neck. The second drink was already more friendly, and the third was almost like a brother's hug, not that he knew how it felt. It was a matter of time for everything that was well enclosed in his thoughts to begin to flow in front of his eyes. Now without his Hokage robe sitting on the frame of the large window watching everything go dark, he began to think, shit, damnend sake.
It had been a while since he had seen his former students. Each of them had moved on with their lives and actually pretty well, sadly without much from his help. Sasuke had grown up, now he was a Shinobi who as always, preferred solitude and did not spend too much time in Konoha. Quite the opposite. He was quite elusive and spent more time outside the village than with his own. Kakashi didn't manage to make him stay longer than necessary and knew that the young Uchiha would never abandon the shadow that always surrounded him like ghosts of the past. He had achieved his redemption, but for Sasuke, nothing seemed enough. One of three: he had not been able to save him, not that time after tying the boy to a tree so that he would not leave on the night when he spoke as he had never done to anyone, with sincerity, and it was not even close enough to make the boy stay. Sasuke was never who he was again.
Naruto, on the other hand, was a force about to explode. If Kakashi thought that Sasuke was more similar to him, was absolutely wrong. He didn't feel so smart right now. He would have to have realized that Naruto was actually the one who had embraced resilience like no one else. Naruto was light, Sasuke was dark, and that had confused him. Maybe Naruto was the boy who suffered so much, the loneliness, the loss of his parents, rejection, just like him, but that smile that shone like the sun had been able to mislead him. Kakashi was disappointed by this. However, the blond boy with the biggest sky eyes he had ever seen would soon become his successor. He really hoped it would be sooner rather than later. Naruto had grown so much. Sometimes he was envious of Jiraya: if only he had trained the boy more, paid more attention to him. Even though he knew he did everything in his willpower for Naruto. He knew that with the sannin, he had achieved things that he would never have otherwise. At times, Kakashi felt that he had failed his sensei, but he also knew that everything had been the best decision. While Sasuke was the prodigal son, Naruto was the light in everyone's life, the one who could be trusted and the one who would always be there for everyone. He had taken it for granted on more than one occasion, but things were what they were, and he knew that despite his irrational guilt, they had worked. Two of three.
His fourth or fifth sake was finally dedicated to Sakura. The sweet and temperamental Sakura. Without knowing why Kakashi believed that she was his biggest fault. Hadn't he been able to see her as she really was at the time? Speaking of taking things for granted. Sakura had a natural talent, her handling of the chakra, her superior intelligence, her ability to see beyond, could almost be compared to Shikamaru's mind. And that was saying a lot. But there was something about her that at that moment kept him away. Just as he knew that the twelve-year-old girl was a talent, a diamond in the rough also knew that at times she lacked the necessary security to be a good kunoichi. Despite the determination of her effort and tenacity, Sakura's emotions could take her to early doom. Kakashi couldn't bear to lose his student, not again. He was sure that Sakura's kunoichi path was determined by her unconditional love for Sasuke, she used to breathed and lived for him. And that was weakness, Emotions are never good for a shinobi. Getting very close to the other, mixing feelings, exposing oneself was a foolish thing: however that had been his most important rule, never abandoning a partner. Yet in his days as sensei, he still judged the young girl's decisions based on her personal detachment and total surrender to the Uchiha boy. And as in a record that is repeated over and over again, Sakura had also changed him. She had been trained under the wing of the Godaime herself, Sakura become her apprentice, almost a daughter. Tsunade had known how to draw even the smallest drop of talent out of Sakura. She had formed the girl in her image and likeness, she had taught her to shine, to become strong, responsible and unique. Sakura had a power that no one else did. She had made her own path, and although many could still feel that they were not enough or that she had not evolved as much as her companions, Kakashi knew that she had been the strongest of all. She had overcome the onslaught of war, hardened his heart without turning into a heartless monster. All the love she had ever felt for Sasuke had turned into a love for her owns, and she had saved more lives than any other shinobi in a war. Sakura was talented, dedicated, gave everything she had for others and did not hesitate to pawn her own needs in favour of those in need. Sakura had put too much aside. That would never change, and now he was proud of the woman she had become. When had she gone from being the impatient and impulsive pink-haired girl to becoming the most powerful woman he knew? Three out of three.
Kakashi smiled at the thought of Sakura. Of his three students, she was the one with whom he had the most contact. Now she ran the hospital and gave him the reports every night. She could send any assistants; however, Sakura enjoyed doing it herself. As if she still needed approval in her work. She wanted to show him night after night that she had finally broken her own limits and had become one of the most valuable people in the village. No one would steal the pleasure of recounting her advances, her success in surgery, or the development of a new antidote. No one would take away the possibility of showing him in his face that she was worth it.
Sakura didn't have to prove herself to anyone, less to him. Kakashi knew her well. Sakura had become a woman to recognize, the childish gleam in her green eyes was now was the gleam of a woman determined to achieve all her goals. To teach everyone that the world was a better place, that no matter how many bad things happened, there was always room for light. Sakura, like him, had sacrificed everything for the others. She had changed her childhood love for Sasuke in pursuit of her goals. A time had come when she had matured. Her dream of a happy life with the last of the Uchiha clan had turned into a nightmare. Kakashi hated Sasuke a little for making her suffer. Sakura was the purest and most genius being he knew, and the young man had never been able to recognize her. He had never abandoned her selfishness, and the pink-haired girl paid the consequences silently and stoically. Kakashi had done nothing to prevent it, and yet Sakura didn't need anyone to defend her or make her see reality. She had chosen the best for herself and left illusions behind. Instead, she embraced her work, her missions, her learning, and now the health of all of Konoha. Kakashi was proud of her and at the same time sorry that he hadn't been a little more part of this revealing process sometimes hard. A process that had dragged the tenacious and cheerful Sakura through darkness and loneliness, something they had in common even though they had never spoken about it.
If there's one thing Kakashi could boast of, was his ability to read people. He was able to see the subtle changes in his former student. He could see how she bit her lower lip when she was nervous, when something didn't go the way she wanted or when she felt that tears were about to burst. He could see the sparkle in her eyes in all splendour but also how they faded the moment any topic related to her work was over. Sakura could in one moment go from being the brightest beacon in Konoha talking about a new project and in the next one turn off and get lost in the distance with a gloomy look. She was absorbed in her daily activities, and when they ended, there seemed nothing left for her. Why did the shinobi life always have to be so contradictory and painful? Whereas Naruto would always have Hinata to come back and take refuge in her arms. Sakura only had the solitude of her apartment and the occasional chat with Ino, and he was sure that was not what completed her the most. Sakura, like him, understood loneliness, only that unlike him, Sakura never let herself down and was ready to move on. She would not spend hours sheltering in her office looking through the window, sighing and lamenting her fate. Sakura would always do something to change her situation, and that was what most captivated him. Sakura was sure that better things were ahead for her to come. He does not. And that's why he respected her.
The sake had already taken its toll on his head and his thoughts. Kakashi had foreseen it, but almost as if he had wanted something like this to happen, he was satisfied with the evolution of the night. He had reflected on his situation, he kept drowning in how heavy being a Hokage seemed to him, despite knowing that he was up to the task, and he had returned to thinking about his students, especially about Sakura.
She was the one she had the most contact with, He saw her every day, and they sometimes talked for hours. Kakashi had witnessed every change in the girl, and along the way, he had also changed. Sakura was a woman, she had grown so much that he hadn't even realized when exactly she had done it. For some reason seeing her at night was the motivation of his days. Talking to someone who had similar feelings comforted him. He also couldn't deny the natural beauty that Sakura had become. He had to remind himself every time that she was his student, but still, couldn't help himself. It was not an explicit beauty that Sakura possessed, not like many of the kunoichis in the village. Sakura's beauty remained in the air once she left the place. It lingered there even hours after her absence. It was subtle, like a sweet fragrance in the wind: her shadow, her power, her smile. Kakashi had come to the conclusion that he liked all of Sakura. He punished himself, Sakura was a child, and he, he was not.
He punished himself for not being able to see Sakura as just a colleague. He didn't know when things had changed. He had the need to be with her even without even noticing it. At some point in his long hours of solitude, Sakura had occupied his mind offering him some comfort. Not even his precious Icha Icha could satisfy him anymore, and it wasn't even that he wanted to put into practice with the girl with soft pink hair everything he read there. Kakashi knew how to separate the difference between fiction and reality well. Sakura was much more than just an erotic novel. So he never touched his hand, Sakura was all he wanted. Perverted.
Sakura ... if there was someone who could get him out of this state even for a little while it was her. It was ridiculous. He thought of Tsunade once again, the Godaime would punish him with her thoughts. He would end up for days lying in a hospital bed and live in shame forever. Still, at the same time, he couldn't help but see the woman's honey-coloured eyes telling him that Sakura was more mature than many of the adults around. That she was no longer a child and that wanting her was not a sin when it comes to two adults looking for the same path. Kakashi did the math. The age gap was a reality, but it was no longer so noticeable. In fact, he knew a lot of couples with the same age difference and even more, and nobody judged them, but he was the Hokage, and he couldn't afford those luxuries. Yet there he was, sitting in the window of his office craving for Sakura's company as if she were the only one who could appease the anxiety he felt that night. He was drowning in himself, and no one else could rescue him. He didn't even understand those feelings. He had to finish all this, so he took his things and left the tower walking out.
Kakashi looked around the city, it was already cold and empty. He sighed in relieved. No one was around to judge him, and he could see clearly where he was going. He had been long enough and deep inside he hoped Sakura could help him. Maybe she can show him how to love. She didn't even have to do too much, he knew she could turn him on with just a word or a touch.
Between the sake and the lights, Kakashi was blinded, he was drowning in the night, and the feeling was tortuous. He only needed to find her, to feel her touch. A touch that let him sleep in this awful night full of ghost. Kakashi knew that in situations like this, Sakura was the only one in which he could trust. Even if she didn't have to do much, even if she didn't know a single thing about his feelings. Even if she doesn't feel the same.
Kakashi knew the was pretty well, and he wasn't that drank, he was walking to Konoha Hospital. He was running of the time, Sakura would leave the place anytime soon, and everything would be lost. He wouldn't let her go tonight.
Kakashi turned the corner, and there she was, walking Home. Sakura was still in her working clothes, tiredness all over her face. She was in ow when she saw him. Was she afraid?
"Hokage-Sama?" was all Sakura could say before wrinkle her nose, already, inspecting Kakashi's look as in a medical interview. Surely she thought he was injured again, or sick, or drank for the matter.
"Maa, Sa Ku Ra" Always pretending. "Drop the title, please."
"What are you doing here Sen... Kakashi?
" I've been tryna call."
This is my first fic in Naruto verse. I've dreamed with this song: Blinding Lights for a few days, and always was Kakashi plaguing these dreams, and I don't know why I think it feets perfect. Please I would love to read what you think, I really do. If you hated please don't say anything I will realize anyway. If you like it instead you know what to do. Should I write what Sakura fells? up to now its something just one-sided. so... I'll be waiting.