Antigonish
Author's Note: Hello, here I am back again with a brand new story. Yes, I am writing a different whilst I have an ongoing one and my answer to that is, screw you, I do what I want (kidding). But I had a sudden bout of inspiration and had to write this as fast as I could before it was gone. So I hope you enjoy it, I had a blast writing it. I've always wanted to write a story of this nature for a while but never had strong enough idea and post it before Christmas. So I hope you enjoy it.
Warnings: OOC but since its an AU, I guess it would make sense. This is also unbeta'd so any mistakes are that of my own.
Before we proceed, I should say I own nothing but the plot.
-0-
"You lost"
His face was unreadable, but I could clearly see the shock set in on him slowly. His eyes are down and staring at the chessboard before him, on it, my pawn has checkmated his King in no more than 10 moves. Admittedly, it was an easier match than I had anticipated, despite his cocky arrogance at proclaiming his intelligence and cunningness, a simple game of chess proved his own assumption otherwise.
I heard him click his tongue before crossing his arms and letting out a huff, now it seemed like he was sulking about it. There was an urge inside of me to laugh at his childishness, but I restrained myself from it, knowing how undignified I would seem to be doing so. So quietly, I pick up my black pieces and arrange them once more, I see him look at my direction as I do so, before sighing and picking up his own and arranging them neatly once more.
"You-You were just lucky…", he muttered under his breath.
I smiled to myself, "I doubt luck has anything to do with your intelligence".
"Well in this case it does"
"Oh? Are you saying you're both unlucky and unintelligent?"
He looks up at me and glares, his rotten dead-fish eyes could make any woman turn and run for the hills, but I had grown accustomed to them these past few weeks. Strange, when we first met, his eyes were the first things I reviled about him, even earning his ire for it, but now it seems like it was sight that had become a daily fixture of my summer.
"I'll start", he said as moves his pawn.
"Such a brave declaration…", I noted as I moved my Knight.
He smirked, "Bravery comes from a place of confidence Yukino and I'm very confident right now"
"Well then, I hope your confidence does not waver this time Hachiman", I replied
I had met him the first week of my summer as a 2nd year high school student, it was a particularly hot day as far as I remembered. I did not want to be at the house for that particular occasion. My dear older sister had just come home from university in Tokyo, knowing her particular habit of teasing and pestering me mercilessly and Mother's resigned apathy to it, I left my house and went out for the day and planned to return home after lunch.
I lived in a particularly small town in the middle of nowhere, with the view of the ocean just affixed over the horizon by the town docks. As much as most people would romanticize the idea of living in a small remote town such as this, it's particularly boring living out here and I've lived here all my life. There were no malls or arcades or movie theaters, the convenient store closes at 9 PM, the train only comes only twice a day, the post office only opens weekends, a single medical clinic office, two bars for some reason and the town library. Aside from the schools and the shrine, there wasn't much to do or see around here.
So unconsciously, I wandered unto the old park by the local shrine. I remember liking this place growing up, when me and my sister would play here often and I get to enjoy the high view, it was one of the higher places that gave you a view of the ocean and the entire town. But it had long since been left abandoned, a relic of the town's past that it slowly left behind to rot by itself. It was there, on a small bench under the shade of a tree I met him.
Hachiman Hikigaya, a person who died 20 years ago.
"Checkmate", I said as I placed my bishop down, which was already on the path towards his king.
He stares at it once more, the same shock still evident on his face but this time, he no longer bothers to hide it. His mouth is hanging open, his eyes are wide and only strangled noise from his mouth, probably too shocked to even form cohesive words at that point. That's when he grits his teeth, sits back and points an accusing finger at me.
"Che-Cheating, you're cheating!", he accused. "That's how you kept winning".
I merely reply with a bemused expression, too unimpressed at his attempt and too tired with it at that point.
"I keep winning because you keep repeating the same mistake and have a predictable move pattern", I explained to him, after winning 5 matches in a row.
Hachiman merely lowers his fingers and keeps his gaze at me, maybe hoping my resolve would be shaken somehow but it doesn't. So he sighs, admitting his defeat, and stands up from his seat and walks out in front of me from where I sat on the bench, stretching his back and arms as he does so.
"So…", he turns back to me and puts his hands on his hips. "What'll the punishment be this time?".
I put a hand under my chin as I looked up at the canopy above me, admiring the sun's rays as they broke through the leaves. A cool breeze passes through and I relish it as I feel it warm my skin. It had been unbearably hot these past few days and the rain from last night managed to cool things down for the meantime. I returned my attention to the young boy before me, who awaited my command, like a puppy awaiting its master.
I have to admit, it was pretty fun.
"Do a handstand for 10 seconds"
"Seriously?"
He stares at me unbelieving for a second, but like before, my resolve does not shake nor did my command change. I wanted to see him do a handstand for 10 seconds, but by the looks of him physically, I doubt he could even run up the stairs without having to catch his breath. He sighs once more, something I notice he does when he seemingly gives up and recedes, and readies himself.
"Out of all things she can have me do…"
He places his hand on the ground and lifts his body up until his feet are parallel to his hands. His shirt was already slipping out exposing his back and stomach, I could see a triumphant smirk on his face and, despite myself, I was a tad disappointed he didn't fall flat on his face in an instant. In my head, I began counting down the timer before the end of his "punishment", as he lovingly referred it to.
10…
"I have to say I'm impressed"
9…
He smirks, "You hope I'd fall flat on my face didn't you?"
8…
"A part of me did", I admitted.
7…
"Well sorry to disappoint, but I used to do this all the time to entertain my sister"
6…
"Siscon"
5…
"Shut up, I told you not to call me that-"
4-
"Oh shi-"
With a loud thud, he falls on his stomach and he lands on his face. I winced a little at the sight of it, but a little proud of myself, I knew calling him that accursed word would throw him off balance just for a bit, but it seems the results were more than satisfactory than what I had expected. I walked up to him, he's still face down on the ground, I crouched by his head as he rolls himself on his back and faces the sky, and my face, once more.
"How was that?", he asked.
I merely smile in reply, "Again".
-0-
It was strange to say the least, to be friends with someone who was a ghost. When he first told me, admittedly, I was a bit shocked by the news of it, a chill even ran up my spine as he explained that he had died and had been trapped in this park for the past two decades. I already had my hunch, there was something off about him even after our first meeting. Never mind the messy hair with that prominent ahoge of his, slouched posture and those hideous ghoulish eyes of his. But the fact I only met him here at the park and never around town, the fact he wore the same clothes every day, his fascination with my cellphone, and most damning of all, the fact he lived in this town and yet I never knew or even met him before in my life.
At first, I was unsure of what I would do, I was literally talking to a dead person, but he didn't seem dead. Despite being a ghost, he still seemed lively, expressive and, dare I should say, he felt real. He was real enough that I could see him, I could talk to him, he was a real person I have leaned against and even felt with my own hands.
I guess my conclusion was, despite being a ghost, Hachiman Hikigaya was still human, at least to me.
"Do you even remember how you died?", I asked him that one cloudless sunny afternoon, sat on the bench and admiring the view before us.
He tilts his head as thinks about it, "No not really, all I remembered was darkness and then…I was here and I couldn't leave".
"Have you tried to? Leave this place I mean", I inquired, the genuine curiosity of his afterlife intriguing me.
"I have, several times", he admitted as leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "But I somehow end up back here for some inexplicable reason".
"Can you even eat anything?"
He shook his head, "Nope, I never grow hungry".
"How about sleeping? What do you even do at night?"
"I don't think I even do sleep at night, every time the sun sets, I close my eyes and when I open them again, its morning and…you're here"
"Sounds like a form of purgatory"
"It does doesn't it?"
I watched him as he spoke, wondering if I can catch a glimpse of emotion from his deadpan face but find nothing. He spoke as if he already resigned himself to this fate somehow, which I would consider maddening, being trapped in this town for the rest of your life, watching the world merely pass you by without a second glance. For a moment, I feared I too would be trapped here after my death, but I shook those thoughts off.
"You know I've read that the reason spirits tend to linger in places is cause of regret", I explained to him, having read it in a horror novel a few weeks back.
He gives me an incredulous look, the unbelieving kind of look that would tend to get annoyed, but somehow I don't. He merely smiles a little at that, his face relaxing once more, before staring back at the view before us.
"Maybe I do have some regrets", he admitted, but there's a tone of indifference in his voice, maybe he already resigned himself to this fate of his.
The atmosphere suddenly grew heavier than I expected, which is typical, I have been told I'm a bit insensitive about my words. My own Mother even told me I have a tongue sharper than any knife but a socializing skill duller than most. I felt guilt stirring inside for bringing up such a depressing subject in the first place.
"But man, heaven must be really strict if they aren't letting an upstanding moral citizen like me in", Hachiman suddenly said and I was so caught off by that remark that I laugh.
I laugh so hard I had to hunch over and clutch my stomach as I felt tears begin to form at the side of my eyes. The heaviness that was inside of me dissipates, the atmosphere grows a little lighter and the sun seemingly shines a little brighter. My laughter begins to die down, I realize Hachiman was watching me the whole time as I do.
"Jeez, I didn't know I was THAT funny", he remarked.
I wiped the tear from my eye as I replied.
"No, I just thought it was funny how you regarded yourself as a moral upstanding citizen", I replied.
"Oi, I had some good points when I was alive", he defended himself as he faced me, raising his fingers to count his good points. "I was never creepy around girls, never stole or lied, never got into fights, never cheated on a test and I was honest about my scores".
"So practically the lowest bar a decent teenager could set", I countered.
Hachiman gives me a smug smile and crosses his arms over his chest, seemingly proud of my conclusion.
"Exactly, that at least earns me a General Admission ticket into heaven or something right?", he said as he turned to me, almost looking for confirmation from me about it.
I shrugged, "I don't exactly know how heaven works".
He then lets out a disappointed sigh at that and leans back against the bench.
"Youth these days…", he muttered under his breath.
"You talk like that but we're basically the same age you know", I retorted.
"Hey, if I was still alive, I'd be 20 years your senior", he argued.
"That'll make you 37 and who seemingly hangs out with an innocent 17-year old high schooler"
"Oi, don't make me sound scummy"
"You do that unto yourself Hachiman…", I give him a look. "Senpai".
I could see a visible chill run up his spine and he rubs his arms as if he walked into an industrial sized freezer and was hit but the wave of frost from it. He turns away from me and faces forward but spares me a glance.
"Please, don't ever call me Senpai again", he requested, almost desperately. "I have bad memories of it".
I raised an eyebrow at that but I decided to not explore it any further. Hachiman doesn't really talk about his old life as much, I doubt he'd be comfortable enough to be talking about it to a complete stranger after all. But I was a little curious about him and his life, what he did, if he had friends, what food he enjoyed or even the music he listened to. Trivial and practically useless knowledge of a person, but enough for me to know and understand him as who really is.
But I push those thoughts aside, not wanting to bore him with that stuff anymore. I dig into my bag and bring out the game we were going to play for today.
"Well if this is some sort of your own personal purgatory then…", I showed the front of the box as he turned to me. "Chinese checkers?".
-0-
"Stop me if it's getting too personal…"
"It's getting too personal"
He clicks his tongue at me, "I haven't even said anything yet".
I chuckled a little at that, "Then go ahead".
"Do you have friends? Like people you hang out with?"
I looked up at him the same time he did, I levelled my gaze at him. Not even paying attention to the game at the moment, too caught up at the suddenness of his question. Honestly, I didn't know what question I was expecting him to ask, maybe about my family, home life, school, hobbies, interest or even the food I ate last night, but no, Hachiman Hikigaya isn't the type to get hung up on the trivial uselessness of daily life.
"No, I don't exactly have friends", I honestly replied.
A typical person would lie, or even say that they have at least one or two friends. But no, I wasn't the kind to lie to cover up the truth about my life, I indeed do not have any friends, at least ones I would have a particular fondness to hang with on hot summer days like these. Instead, I am here once more, at an abandoned park by the local shrine, playing another game with a ghost, another listless day in my listless life, my summer passing me by day by day at a snail's pace.
Nee-san had said I was too boring and I was wasting my summer, but I didn't really mind it at all. Wasteful summers like these are plentiful in life, sometimes we don't even realize we've wasted it until we look back on it sometime in the future. Only when life catches up to us is when we realize the value of what was left behind, well, it's not exactly something I would say to a dead person who's seemingly trapped in his own purgatory.
"Well, guess you and I aren't much different", Hachiman said. "I too was a loner during my life".
"Please, do not compare my normal high school life to something so deplorable as yours", I instantly said.
He glared at me, "Oi, what the hell kind of person do you take me for? I was a normal high school student myself you know".
I do not respond to him, instead, I lay down a card on top of his as he does as well. We were playing UNO, I know, a pretty childish game to play but I managed to find it last night and wondered how easy it is for me to beat him in this game. A gust of wind blows and I stamp both of my hands down on the pile of cards that are laid on the ground, in fear it might be blown away, besides, I was 4 cards away from an UNO.
It dies down and we continue playing as he places down a Red 7.
"Well, if you don't have any friends, what do you do in school then?", he asked as I placed a Red 8.
"Reading by myself, either at the rooftop or at the library", I replied, he doesn't place a card and instead is holding it up, about to do so, as if he was frozen and is giving me a look.
He then cracks a grin, "So you have your own loner spots then? Like I said, you and I aren't so different, I had a loner spot myself".
He places a card down, it's a Red 2 and I looked down at my hand, only to see I had no red cards or a number 2. I grabbed another one from the neatly stacked one on the side, feeling a hint of irritation as I do so, he might actually win this one.
"As I said, don't compare your deplorable school life to my normal one", I coldly replied as I placed down a red 4.
Hachiman doesn't counter it like before, maybe I had finally beaten him into submission and made him realize his quick wit is outpaced in my presence. But instead he decides to move on to something different, something trivial it seems.
"So you read a lot huh?", he said. "What kind of books do you read?".
"Dazai, Akutagawa, Edogawa, Sakunosuke, Murasaki Shikibu", I replied as I placed another card down. "Haven't read some of the newer ones from overseas but I am planning to".
"Wow, classics I see, never really read some of them during my time", he said. "But I did enjoy Slayers growing up and the Boogiepop series was pretty popular around the time I died".
"I see, before the light novels turned into those deplorable forms of literature"
"Whatever light novels have evolved into, I am all for it, anything to get kids into reading"
I sighed, "Even at the cost of literature's dignity?".
"I can see now why people don't hang around you as much", he commented as he placed down his card.
I would've been offended by that statement, if it weren't true. I never really know how it started, me avoiding being around other kids my age, maybe it was when I was in elementary school and the other girls in my class would put trash in my backpack or hide my indoor slippers in the bathroom. Maybe it was when they'd trip me up when I walked down the hall or pull my hair if the boy they liked talked to me. In the end, lots of things cobbled up together and formed the idea in my head: People are just selfish.
There is something to be said about people's selfishness, the thoughtlessness of their actions somehow is justified for their cruel treatment of others. My Mother would say I just needed to toughen up and keep a strong resolve, somehow it grew into my general apathy towards others. It even earned me some skills it seems, I'd learn to be sharp and quick with my retorts if ever they get into an argument with me, get a better read on people's intentions through interactions, I learned to rely on myself more than others and I somehow managed to find enjoyment in the solace of my lonesome.
Like a beautiful meadow undisturbed, out in a middle of a thick forest surrounded by trees as far as the eye could see. I've learned to preserve that, and in the long run, I got pretty good at it. Maybe it is true what Hachiman said, maybe I'm much of a loner as he was during his life, but it's not something I would admit to him.
"Uno", I said as I placed a card down, with the last one in my hand, while he still had 3 in his.
"How-? No way", he admonished as he stared down his own hand and back on the pile between us.
He sighs before grabbing a card from the neatly stacked pile once more and placing it down, it's a Green 3. I place down a Blue 3, victory is mine and he is utterly defeated, again.
"I win", I said, almost smugly.
He throws his cards down and they get entangled in the messy pile, almost frustrated by the results of today's bout. He glumly looks up to me, not even having to verbalize it at this point.
"Hmmm…", I began to think for a proper punishment this time, but our conversation from before flashes in my head and I realize what I wanted to do.
"Let me help you move on", I said to him.
He raises his brow at me, "Huh? Are you sure about that?".
I nodded my head, maybe it was the good natured part that got the better of me. Maybe the fear of being trapped here after my death scared me and being able to help someone in that situation could give me some peace of mind. Or maybe there was something more to it, but whatever it may be maybe I would never know.
A ghost of a smile appears on the ghost itself for a second before turning away from me and facing front once more, he spreads his arms across the bench as he leans back and turns his head up towards the sky, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Almost relishing the feeling of the summer sun as it kissed his face and the cool breeze passing through. He opens his eyes and merely stares upwards, as if trying to gaze upon heaven itself.
"You know I've always wondered if there really is heaven", Hachiman mused. "That maybe it was just some made up place to give people some peace of mind after their deaths, but now that I am dead, it feels so close I can almost touch it…"
He raises his hand towards the sky, almost like he was grabbing onto something that wasn't there, a shapeless thing that was the root of his desire. For the first time, he seemed sullener than ever before.
"Do you…do you even want to move on?", I asked him.
He places his hand back down, "I think I do, it feels natural you know, like eating, drinking, sleeping…if I don't move on then what's the point? I'll just be stuck here for the rest of my life".
He tilts his head back once more, but faces me, a small smile on his face as he does. But it's not gross or creepy or menacing as the ones before, it was almost peaceful, serene even. As if in this moment he was content to his fate all of a sudden, being trapped in this abandoned park in a small remote town in the middle of nowhere.
"Though right now, that doesn't seem so bad", he muttered as he turned away from me.
"So you just want to spend the rest of your eternity losing board games to a high school girl?", I mockingly questioned.
He freezes at that, as if the reality had hit him all of a sudden and slumps forward in his seat.
"Ugh, maybe this is some sort of punishment", he mulled. "Suffering humiliation after humiliation for the rest of eternity to a quick tongue Ice Queen".
I glared at him but he doesn't seem to notice, "I told you to stop calling me that".
He chuckled and once more we are wrapped up in the silence of our surroundings. This was an upside to living in such a remote town, there was practically no noise one would find in the city, but instead of the natural sounds of everything around us. From the crying of cicadas to the breeze passing through the leaves, the sounds of the waves from the ocean to the soft stream of the nearby canal.
Suddenly, I didn't find it so bad spending eternity in this moment.
"You said before that ghosts tend to linger here because they have regrets right?", he said.
"Yeah, something binding them and they can't move on", I replied, leaning a little closer to him. "Do you have any regrets Hachiman?".
His face is still, he doesn't open his eyes nor does any emotion reflect on his face. He was like a calm lake, nothing floating on top nor hiding underneath it. He looked strangely handsome for a moment, under the light of the sun breaking through the canopy above.
"I don't know Yukino, I don't know"
-0-
"Eh? Hachiman Hikigaya?"
My Mother tilts her head to the side as she tries to think, or maybe remember, as she sits across from me on the dinner table. The day had ended and I had headed back home for dinner, Mother had cooked for tonight, which is rare since Nee-san was the one who would often do it when she got home, she was arguably the better cook between the both of them anyways.
I had asked her about Hachiman Hikigaya, my Mother had grown up in this town as well, I figured if anyone I knew could tell me about Hachiman it would be her. She thinks once more, even tapping her chopstick against her chin, despite her age she tends to act very childish sometimes, but it's façade, because the woman that lies beneath is much more tough person than people would expect. At least, that was the woman I had grown up with all my life, ever since our Father abandoned us when I was still a baby.
"Oh yeah", she said, snapping her fingers, a metaphorical lightbulb lights above her head. "Hachiman, yeah, I remember him, he was a sweet kid, his parents used to work at the local sake brewery here and his little sister was the cutest. I used to babysit both of them when I was in high school".
I was a little taken aback by that news, "Really? How come I've never heard you talk about him?".
That's when she sighed, placing her cheek on her hand as she seemingly stares off somewhere. She often does that when she reminisces, as if the image of the past would materialize itself in front of her and she'd be able to recall many things in detail.
"Hachiman was a kind boy, but he never really got along with people", she started. "Maybe because he was a lot smarter than the other kids and they hated him for it, he used to get bullied a lot, would come home with bruises on his arms and I would see them pick on him all the time".
That's when I saw something begin to rest behind her eyes, a momentary glimmer of regret and despair behind her often vibrant eyes.
"I was already working at the next town over when he started high school, but his younger sister, Komachi, would tell me everything. Hachiman had become a loner by that time, didn't talk to anyone, kept to himself all that stuff, but he was nice enough to humor me when we met. He was still the funny kid I remember growing up but…I knew something was different".
"What-What happened to him?", I asked, despite already knowing the answer.
Mother straightens her sit and leans back, she places the chopsticks down and lays her hand on the table and stares up at the ceiling. I could see her eyes water a bit, maybe the weight of bearing such a thing for so long was already starting to get to her after all this time.
"Haruno was barely a year old at that time", she softly said, lowering gaze slowly with each word. "People didn't know what happened, one day after school, he managed to wander off to the cliffside by the mountains and…". She lets out a deep breath, a little shaky at that. "They found his body a couple of days later".
"Did he-?", I was unsure how to go about it but asked it, nonetheless.
"Who knows", she shrugged. "Some say he jumped, some say it was an accident. Hell, some even said he was pushed. After that his family moved out to the city as soon as Komachi graduated, I haven't really seen them since".
I didn't know what to say after that, my thoughts wandering back to that fish-eyed loner in that park which, now I guess much like him, had been left behind as everything in around it had moved forward. Maybe that was his regret, maybe that's why he couldn't move on, he lived a lonely life and died a lonely death. Something about that pierced my heart and I feel my chest ache a little, if I could cry right now I would, but not right now.
"You know, talking about Hachiman, he kind of reminds me of…"
Mother's words drifted off as our gazes met, I knew what she wanted to say, even when she didn't verbalize it. I knew maybe some part of my life and his were practically the same, maybe to her I was the mirror image of the boy she had come to know growing up. An eerie echo of a past that seemed like a lifetime ago, maybe Hachiman was right, he and I weren't so different after all.
"Well, let's not dwell on the past too much", she immediately collects her bearings and picks up her chopsticks, she takes a bite of the katsu and chews. "Though Yukino, why the sudden interest in Hachiman Hikigaya?".
I wondered if I should tell her the truth, the truth that I was spending my summer with his ghost in an abandoned park doing nothing but play board games all day. I could tell her how much a sore loser he was, how good he was at doing menial tasks, how creepy his smile and eyes were or how bad he was at making jokes. But instead, I took the easier route.
"I was just curious, saw the news on some old newspaper earlier and thought maybe you know more about it", I innocently replied as I ate the katsu, which had gotten a little warm after that conversation. "By the way, where is Nee-san?".
Mother seemed to welcome the change of topic and answered me.
"Eh, she went to some karaoke bar with some of her friends in the other town", she replied, continuing eating her food. "You know how she is, doesn't want to 'waste her youth' and all that".
I chuckled at that and continued eating. Nee-san was always the free-spirited one between us sisters, always excited and antsy, as if life itself would begin to waste away if she wasn't doing anything at that very moment. Maybe that's why she wanted to study in Tokyo, to be far away from this glue trap of a town that seemingly sucks anyone who lives in it into its own gravitational pull, even chaining the dead it seems.
Once dinner was over, Mother was still sitting on the table, sipping on her tea to relax herself. It was a habit of hers, working a stressful job at an accounting firm two towns away tends to not let a person have too much free time, but it's a lifestyle we all had grown accustomed to at this point. And so I, the diligent and kind daughter of hers, takes care of the chores, such as cleaning the dishes after dinner.
"Yukino…", she called out to me as I was drying the bowls and placing them on the dry rack.
I turned back to her, but she didn't face me. Merely staring down at her cup with her back towards me, but I didn't need to see her face to understand what she wanted to say to me. I could already tell by the tone of her voice, it carried an almost begging tone.
"Live your life with no regrets", she said. "In whatever you do, don't have regrets, so that once you're at the end of your life you'll be at peace with everything".
I simply nod my head and say okay, before turning back to drying the dish bowls. But inside I could feel something rage inside of me, besides the feeling of heaviness that rested on the pit of my chest. The quiet crying of the cicadas finds itself into our house and fills the silence that followed afterwards.
…
That night I found myself unable to sleep, my thoughts were a bit of a mess and my mind and body weren't as tired as I had thought. So here I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling above me and my thoughts wandering once more to the boy who was left in that park. I even find myself imagining what he would be doing at this moment, he'd throw an arm over the bench and stare up at the sky. The night sky in the country was a vast sea of stars, one could even find themselves drowning in it as they gazed into them. It looked like an ocean that reflected itself just above us, I began to wonder if he longs to see it once more.
I turn to my side, facing the window. The window is slightly open to let the cold air of the night in, it kicks the curtains up and I get a view of the bright moon and it's like a giant light that hangs in the sky. I wondered once more what the last thing he saw was, was he gazing up the same sky I am? Did he see the same views as I 'm seeing right now? What was he thinking in his last moments? What was he even doing there in the first place? Did-Did he do it on purpose?
"Yukino…live your life without regrets…"
My mother's words from earlier ring in my head once more and I wondered if it was even possible. A part of me hopes so, maybe I could just live my life without ever being chained back to my decisions and I'd be happy with the ones I've made. A life without regrets seemed like a tempting life to live.
But before I could dwell on them any further, I let out a loud yawn and I could feel my eyes grow heavy. And so I tucked myself in more, hugging another pillow I had on my side and pulled my sheets closer to me, another yawn and I closed my eyes and drifted off into sleep.
I dreamt of riding a train across the sea at night, unable to distinguish which was the ocean and the sky as they both reflected off of each other. An old song from my childhood song plays softly on the radio, my companion smiles as I point him towards where stars shined brighter than the others, his ahoge bops to the sound of the music and it's the most I've seen him smile in a long time.
-0-
"What's this?"
I raised the thing he had given me to him, so I can see it better in the light. He is standing over me with his hands in his pockets, looking down at me as I sit on the bench. He had handed me a small Knick knack that took that shape a small ramen bowl, he seemed to have kept it in his school jacket for a long time, by the looks of the fading color on it and the dark gray material underneath it beginning to take over.
"It's an old phone charm Komachi gave me for my 16th birthday", he replied. "A good luck charm of sorts apparently, I want you to place it back on my grave".
I looked at him, confused, "You want me to place it on your grave? Why?".
He doesn't answer me immediately, instead he gazes towards the trees and even the shrine at the other side. I could see a conflict grow in his eyes, despite their appearance, they were a lot more expressive than I realized.
"I think I know what's been keeping me here all this time", Hachiman answered me.
"Really? What is it?", I asked.
"I'm terrified Yukino", he said, his voice breaking a little at that admission. "I'm terrified of what awaits me once I actually do move on, maybe there isn't a heaven and I'll just…disappear. Like I never even existed", his bangs hide his eyes but I could see some tears leaking at the corners. "I'm scared of fully leaving my Mom and Dad and Komachi behind and that they'd eventually forget about me, hell, I haven't even seen them for a long time that I don't even know if they're still alive…".
Hachiman sniffles and uses his sleeve to wipe his eyes, for all the times I've been with him, this was the most I've seen him cry. The years of isolation in this remote place was the only solace he seemingly found. I was wrong about my presumptions, maybe some spirits linger because they fear of what they would leave behind and what would await them once they do move on.
"Sometimes I'd think this was all some bad dream and I'd wake up back in my house again, that I was never really dead and I could still live my life but this time differently", he continued. "But I guess I was clinging to that charm and that idea so strongly and for so long, I ended chaining myself here all this time".
He takes in a deep breath and faces me once more, his face and eyes free of trouble like before. There's no conflict or hesitance in them, I'm relieved to see, but something inside me flares up, once I realized his departure might actually come true now. But I tossed that feeling aside, I didn't want to be selfish.
"I'm dead Yukino", he said with an almost air of finality. "I don't even belong here anymore and I need to move on, I fear if I don't I'll…I'll regret that even more".
I clutched the charm tighter in my hand and held it closer to my chest. Feeling the weight and importance of it, I feel myself smiling. Knowing that he had entrusted to me something so deep and important to him, I felt the strength of his resolve and his determination. Hachiman Hikigaya was possibly the bravest person I could've met.
"I'll take care of it until then", I vowed to him and he merely smiled and nodded his head.
Hachiman turns his back to me and walks out of the shade of the tree and into the bright sun. He looks up at it, the vast stretch of blue dotted with puffy white clouds, he stares at them as if it was the first time he was seeing them. He raises his hand to his face, blocking the sun's rays from his eyes as he gazes at the abyss of blue above him.
"You know I never realized how warm the summer can be sometimes", he noted, almost saying it to himself. "I think I like it".
I merely sat back, watching him as he did, seemingly admiring him. Ignoring a feeling of unease that began to rest inside of me, I was happy for him now, nothing more and nothing less, I was happy for him. I find myself staring at the charm I had in my hand, something as simple and seemingly insignificant as this being the anchor of his soul on this earth, the symbol of his fear and his regrets.
"It's funny, I talked to my Mom about you", I said.
"Really? What'd she say?", he asked as he turned back to me.
"That I should live a life without any regrets", I replied. "So that in the end of it, I'd be at peace with everything".
Hachiman approaches me, his eyes staring into mine and I could see he was thinking of a response. That's when he sits beside me and leans back, tossing his arms over it as he typically does.
"I don't think it's possible to live a life without regrets", he said.
"You think so?", I wondered.
He nodded his head, "Of course, inevitably, there'll always be things we end up regretting. How we wish we still talked to some people, how we wish we could've ordered some other food, how we wish we could've picked a different job, bought a different car, dated that person we liked, read a different book, moved to a different place, even wishing we watched a different movie".
"So, what you're saying is, it's impossible to live a life without regrets", I concluded.
"Yeah, I guess in the end of the day, all we could wish for is that we end up with the right regrets"
His words sink into me almost immediately, I can feel the unease inside of my heart lighten just a little. Maybe that's the best we could hope for in life, since it doesn't work in absolutes, you just have to accept half measures and compromises. And by the end, just be content with the choices we've made and hopefully we find peace from it.
I turned to him once more, "Don't think this excuses your punishment, you still lost".
He visibly glowered at the reminder, glaring at the Connect Four play set that sat between us. An obvious win on my part after a few rounds, I am proud of it, despite its childishness I at least knew I wasn't terrible at it. Hachiman sighed as he set it aside and turned in his seat to face me.
"What'll the punishment be this time?", he asked.
It doesn't take a second to pass before I give him my command.
"Just sit here with me for a while", I said.
"Seriously?", he questioned, unbelieving of its simplicity.
I scoot closer to him, "Seriously".
I place my head on his shoulder and I lean against his body as he sits back, it's cold, unbearably cold, much like the other times I've touched him. At this point it doesn't bother me anymore, against the sweltering heat of summer, it was possibly the warmest thing I could feel. Hachiman doesn't react nor retorts, instead he sits back on the bench, my head still pressed against his shoulder as he does.
He smells like the forest and the ocean, a scent I couldn't distinguish but felt all too familiar to me. I look up at the view before us, the ocean and the docks in the distance, the roads that winded and twisted into each other. The houses and buildings dotting the side of the roads, and even the sight of the school in the far distance. This simple remote town which, at one point, I thought would trap all that had lived in it, even the dead.
But I learned that places don't trap people, people trap themselves in places, anchoring their emotions, hopes, ambitions and selfishness until they can no longer move on from it. At that moment, I wondered where I too would go once my life passes, would I too anchor myself here or would I move on? Was there even anything worth anchoring myself to in this life? Questions and wonderment swirled in my head, but I let the cool breeze take them away for the meantime.
Right now I was here, with him, admiring the view on a hot summer day.
"This is nice…", I muttered.
"It really is", he agreed.
-0-
I found his grave on the top of a small hill in the town cemetery. It looked like a simple one, it wasn't even a family grave, just a single headstone with only his name engraved on it and the crypt where his ashes were. My gaze travels down further and I see the date of his birth and death, somehow that made me swallow the spit that had accumulated in my mouth as I felt my heartbeat erratically.
1983-2000
It was strange, I've passed by enough names and dates of gravestones for almost all of my life and none of them had made me feel the way I felt now. Maybe because this person was someone I personally know, heck, someone I was still talking to, who I know would be sitting on that bench under the shade of the tree. Despite knowing the truth of him all this time, being able his grave like this, the reality of it all finally dawned on me.
I placed the charm down at the foot of the gravestone, between the rotting flowers, melted candles and incenses. I clasped my hands together and offered him a short prayer, I knew it was meaningless and he'll probably never even hear it, but it felt like something I had to do. I opened my eyes once more and let out a sigh.
With that, I hope now Hachiman can finally move on.
"Eh? Yukino-san? Is that you?"
I turned to the voice who called out to me, it was a girl, who I recognized as my classmate from school. She waves at me as she approaches, there is an obvious bubbliness on her step as she comes closer to me. She's wearing casuals as well, a simple green blouse, jean shorts and sneakers, but the most striking part of her appearance, and why I recognized her immediately, was her red framed glasses.
"Oh it is you, I couldn't tell at first so I came over to see for myself", she honestly replied as she stopped in front of me.
"A strange coincidence to run into you here, Hina-san", I admitted.
She rubs the back of her head and chuckles, "I know right? You don't exactly run into people you know in the cemetery".
I give her a smile at her earnest attempt at humor. Hina Ebina was a classmate of mine and someone I've known since I was a kid, though we never did pass the boundaries of casual acquaintances but she was adamant on referring to me as her childhood friend. But I don't put too much value on relationships like that, we barely talk in school and when we do, I treat her conversations much like everyone else.
So I wondered, why would she bother approaching me out of the blue? And in the town cemetery of all places. I noticed her gaze towards Hachiman's gravestone, it lingers for a moment before she returns it back to me.
"Someone you know? I saw you praying it in front of it", she asked.
"A family friend", was my immediate reply, enough of an answer to suffice anymore curiosity.
"I see, I'm visiting my grandparents as well", she said as she turned and waved at a couple, I recognized as her parents, as they left the cemetery.
"I didn't know your grandparents passed", I said, not really knowing why, maybe because I've known her all my life and never knew about that.
"Yeah, they died before I was even born so I never actually met them", she admitted.
"Hmmm…"
There was an obvious tense silence that hung in the air between us, well, I doubt if you haven't spoken to someone in a long time, conversations don't really surpass surface level questions and shallow answers. I wanted nothing more than to finish this interaction and head back, to home or to the park I don't know yet. Somehow I don't feel like seeing him at the moment, fearing once I do he would no longer be there.
"Want to get some drinks on the way home? My treat", Hina suddenly offered.
"No need, I prefer to head home immediately, my business here has already concluded", I answered, a little harsh than I had intended but hopefully she would understand.
"Then you can't say no to free drink", she suddenly said which I was surprised with.
"Wait- "
"Come on Yukino-san, one drink won't hurt right?"
Despite my reservations about it, I didn't want to seem rude. Besides, Hina herself was different from the rest of the girls in our class, I would even say she was different from most of the girls at school, she wasn't haughty or obnoxious. She often kept to herself much like me, though the difference was that she had her own group of friends as opposed to me.
I sighed, "Fine, guess it wouldn't hurt".
…
Sat on a small bench outside of the town's local dagashiya, I began to feel the unease inside of me grow heavier. It had slowly formed itself as we left the cemetery and walked back into town, I wondered once more if Hachiman was already gone by the time I returned there. I haven't really thought about what would happen once Hachiman does move on, do I just…do the same?
Would I just forget the summer days we spent together? Would I just spend the rest of my summer by myself once more? I never admitted it, to him and even to myself, but I secretly wished our days together would never end. I wouldn't mind, to spend an eternity with him, in that abandoned park, playing board games under the shade of the tree.
We'd laugh at the ridiculousness of our punishments, we'd cheer for our victories and feel utter defeat at our losses, and we'd do it together. Somehow the idea of a day when I would not see him didn't sit well with me, I wondered about those feelings, ever since he had given me the charm and requested I leave it at his grave. Maybe there was a selfish part of me that dreaded the day I would lose him, but I shook it off, I wanted to do this for his sake and not mine.
So that Hachiman Hikigaya can finally be at peace.
"Here, you still like green tea right?", Hina said as she walked out of the dagashiya and towards where I sat.
"Yes, I do", I replied as she handed the small bottle of iced tea, it was green tea flavor.
Though I don't have much affinity for drinks like these, since I find them too sweet, nonetheless, I opened it and drank. It was refreshing to say the least, after being under the sun and walking around on another summer day such as this, it was enough to quench my thirst. Hina does the same, having an iced tea bottle of her own, she drains half before letting a satisfied breath, the same thing I've seen Nee-san do when she drinks a bottle of beer.
"Dang, that was good", she commented, rather vulgarly.
"Indeed it was, thank you again Hina-san, I'll pay you back once I have the chance", I said.
Hina waved it off, "It's fine, Yukino-san, I did it out of the kindness of my heart after all".
Again she laughs at her own jokes and I merely smile at her humor. Once more, we were allowed the sounds of summer take over as we sat, relaxing on that bench, watching the view of the sea and road before us. The air was salty but fresh, compared to the one in the park, it felt colder. Hina hasn't engaged me in conversation, I don't as well, relishing the comfortable silence instead.
"So hey", Hina suddenly said, I turned to her as she leaned a little closer to me. "What've you been doing all summer? I haven't seen you around as much".
I wondered once more if I should tell her about him, the truth about spending my summer with a dead person instead of actual people. But, like before, it was better I kept that secret to myself, besides, I doubt Hina would be enthused if I actually did tell her about him, maybe she would assume I was crazy or I was mocking her somehow.
"Oh, I'm mostly spending it at home, reading, watching TV, stuff like that", I replied, looking down and fiddling and playing with the plastic wrapper of the iced tea bottle.
"Ah I see, you aren't much of an outdoor person are you Yukinoshita-san?", Hina commented.
"Indeed, besides, it gives me more time to do my summer homework", I said, telling her a half-truth.
Hina then grabs the side of her head and ruffles her short brown hair, "Ugh, I forgot, I haven't even started on it, I've been too busy around the inn".
"Oh? Is there trouble at the inn?", I asked.
"No, we're just understaffed right now", she replied. "Our cousin had an accident and had to take time to recover all summer, so I have to help with a lot, I didn't even get to go to Yumiko's pool party last week".
Hina and her family ran a generations old traditional inn, it was an old one that sat near the beach and was a bit popular, especially during the summer seasons such as this. I remember Hina often saying she would be running it after a few years once her parents retire, I admire her for that, her passion and her resolve to already have chosen the path she had wanted to take in her life.
"I so wanted to see Tobe and Hayama bond more, it'll be exactly like The Coach Who Loved Me manga…"
Despite her more obvious eccentricities, she was into yaoi and even refers to herself as an authentic fujoshi, something she even applies in real life, she somehow is warm and friendly enough to have people be relaxed around her. Though I wonder if it's merely a front she puts out as to not let people in too close, much like myself, she seems to have built walls as far as the eye can see, hers is just a lot thicker and less obvious.
Hina then turns to me.
"Ah well, we enjoy life in our ways I guess", she said. "But somehow I'm glad Yukino-san, you don't seem as gloomy as before".
I gave a confused look, "Gloomy? Why? Has something on my face changed".
"No, I didn't mean that", she replied, waving her hands. "It's just, when I saw you around recently, you seem a lot livelier than before, excited even".
"I see", I noted, before deciding to tell her the truth, not all of it but just a little. I don't even face her as I do. "I've been…I've been in the company of a good friend recently".
"Well that's good to hear", she understood, glancing at her, she too was facing forward and watching the view. "I think it's important that we have at least one friend you know, I don't think people can even go through life without having at least one person caring about them".
"Yeah, I think so too", I agreed.
"It's important to cherish them too, I know I would never replace my friends for anything in the world", Hina suddenly admitted, turning to me with an embarrassed smile. "Makes me sound like a loon right?".
I look back down at the bottle I have in my hand, the idea of my friendship with Hachiman had seemingly made me see a happier side of life than I realized as well. Hina was right, I don't think a person could go on in life without at least one person caring for them and somehow it comforts me knowing that he had some himself, if I had my own, I'm sure he has too.
I smile a little, despite my troubled thoughts earlier, I'm somehow happy knowing how much I do indeed care for him. With that, I turn to face her once more.
"No, it just sounds like you care about them a lot", I said.
Hina smiles in reply, "I guess I do".
That's when she looks at her wristwatch, curses a little as she shoots up to a stand.
"Ah dang look at the time", she said. "I have to get back and help with lunch, I'm sorry to leave in such a hurry Yukino-san".
I waved it off, "It's fine, I actually enjoyed our little talk, we don't do it quite often".
"Yeah, it would be fun if we could hang out more you know", she admitted before taking another sip from her bottle. "Well, I'll see you when I see you".
But something gripped inside of me as I watched her turn, knowing that this might possibly be the only time we talk to each other like this, and I would hate myself if I allowed that to happen. So I stood up and called out to her as she was running down the street.
"Hina!", I yelled out, she stopped and turned to me. "I…I would like it if we could hang out like this again".
I could see her smile warmly at that and shout back, "Me too, I'm free the day after tomorrow, want to go somewhere with me Yukino?".
"Sure, I'll look forward to it", I replied, I waved at her and she waved back before resuming her run, she ran until I could no longer see her.
I sat back down and let out a sigh, but I somehow felt relieved at that. Managing to make the first step at forming a friendship with someone, maybe it wasn't much but I hoped it could be more than shallow acquaintances. I thought of Hachiman once more as I sat back and gazed at the view once more. I wondered what would happen if I introduced him to Hina, I would imagine they'd get along strangely enough. She was fun enough to be around and can match the pace of conversation I have with him, I'm sure she would even guide it at times and he'd be flustered at her dirty quips about boy's love.
"I doubt he'd handle such topics", I muttered to myself.
I feel a small smile on my face as I imagined the three of us hanging out but knowing it might not be possible. But a small part of me likes to imagine it, sitting under the shade of the tree, talking about the books we've read, the music we've listened to and the new episode of that TV drama from last night. The trivial uselessness that cobbled up together is what life might be, not giant waves crashing into the sand, but a soft and gentle kind that slowly rolls up, takes away some of the sand and recedes back into the sea where it belongs.
-0-
"I think I'm ready to move on now"
He's standing by the tree when I arrived, he looks back down at me, seemingly admiring the canopy once more. I'm standing in front of him, almost frozen in my spot as soon as he said those words. Something inside me aches but I ignore it, I give him a smile as he walks up to me. I can see his face is much more expressive than before, his smile reaches his eyes, his dead-fish eyes seem livelier and there's almost an animated-like joy radiating from his body, even his ahoge seemingly bobbed.
This is it, he's finally moving on. But that's when I realized something.
"If you are moving on…", I started, giving him a questioning look. "What're you still doing here?".
Hachiman chuckled, "Guess that means I still have one regret".
"What would that be?", I asked, a little excited and hopeful for another request.
He raises a finger and points it at me. For a moment, I felt my heart skip a beat, a blush was about to spread on my face but I kept myself in check, even trying to calm my erratically beating heart.
"I never won one match against you", he replied as he lowered his hand. "I don't think my pride can take it moving on without at least winning one match against you".
I let out a shaky breath at that, a mix of relief but also something painful finds its way out of me. It lingers inside of me as I realized what he wanted, it's so simple yet I feel the weight of it meant, if he wins then he can finally move on and not feel the need to stay and face another punishment. The routine we've been doing for all this time, suddenly became the most important thing to accomplish, at least for him.
"Well, let's see if you can break your 29-0 losing streak", I said, putting on a brave front as I brought out the game we were playing for what seemed to be the last time. "Ready to lose another game of chess Hachiman?".
He smirks back, "Bring it Yukino, bring it".
As we arranged the pieces, aligning them and facing each other. Watching him as he concentrated putting his pieces in place, the realization had fully dawned on me. This was possibly the last time I was ever going to see him, this was possibly the last time I was ever coming here, this was the last time I was going to play this game with him. The last time I'd be able to sit across from him, see his face and his reactions, listen to his rants and laugh at his jeers and jokes. The last time I'd ever see his smile, his frown, the way he shook his leg when he got excited or the way he tried to cover his mouth when he laughed too hard.
My summer with him was about to come to an abrupt end, and I don't like it. I feel my heartache fully as I watch him fix his King piece and excitedly rub his hands together.
No, not yet, I can't-I can't lose him yet…
"Alright then, I'll start", he said as he moved his pawn.
I'm not ready to be alone here…
"Dammit, rookie mistake", he muttered as my Knight took his rook.
Please, please let me win and I promise we'll do something more fun than board games…
"How did I not see that coming?", he questioned as my pawn takes his Knight.
I'll give him less harsher punishments…
"Ha! I'm getting good", he cheered as his pawn takes my bishop.
Let me win so we can spend the rest of my summer together like this…
"Awesome move right?", he cockily said as he took my rook.
I can't lose him yet….
"Aw come on", he sighed out as I took his last bishop.
If I lose to him then he'll be gone forever and I'll be alone like I always will be. I have-I have to introduce him to Hina and-and I have to see how long he can do a handstand. He has to tell me more about his old life and I know he has more jokes he can crack, I still have to get back at him for calling me Ice Queen. So please, not yet.
Not yet, please…
Not yet…
Not ye-
"Checkmate", Hachiman said, before gasping at the realization and letting out a wide smile. "Checkmate…Checkmate! That means I won, I won, I won!".
I don't pay attention to him as he runs off and cheering, my eyes are glued to the chess board before me. Discerning, hoping it was merely some momentary hallucination or some delusion, but no, his rook and Knight have my King pinned. He won, he actually won. I turned to watch as he pumped his arms and ran to the middle of the park, letting out his sheer relief of his first, and last, victory.
With no more regrets anchoring him here, Hachiman Hikigaya can move on now. I stand up and walk towards him as he stands in the middle of the grassy park, gazing up at the blue abyss he would soon ascend towards. I swallowed thickly as I felt my heartache more, it felt like broken glass piercing my inside every time I breathe, but I steeled my resolve, I don't want him to see my tear stricken face once he goes.
But when he turned to smile at me, I could feel it slowly break.
"Do you regret spending your entire summer with me?", Hachiman asked.
"No", I earnestly replied as I tuck my hands behind my back. "To be honest, it was the most fun summer I ever had".
"That's good to hear", he accepted.
The selfish part of me hoped some divine intervention would happen, something that would force Hachiman to stay here with me. But I know it was too much and I'd hate myself for wishing something as self-centered as that. Instead, the cool breeze seemed to grow stronger, I had to hold down my shirt and shield my eyes from the dust. It was strong that some leaves from the tree were blown off and were taken away by the wind.
"Hey, doesn't the winner get to request something from the loser?", he recounted.
"Yeah, they do", I replied as I watched him stand straighter and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Well then I'll request something…", Hachiman said, before giving me one last smile. "Be happy Yukino".
And just like that, he was gone.
What an anti-climactic conclusion, no warm hug goodbye or even a kiss on the forehead. I blinked for a second and when my eyes opened, he was nowhere to be seen, only a soft caress on my cheek by a cold air and the lingering scent of the forest and the ocean. I am left at the park, alone once more, on a hot summer day like the one when we had when we first met. The crying of the cicadas dragged me back to my senses, I shook my head and turned back around to gather my things.
Truly, how uncool of him just to leave me like this. I bit my lower lip to keep it from quivering and to keep the whimper from my throat down. If this had been a movie or a novel, I would complain how sudden it had ended and how I'm forced to go on never knowing what could've been.
I finally collect my belongings and place it back in my bag, but I then sit back down on the bench. The bench where I had seemingly spent my entire summer sitting on, I could still feel his heat somehow. I glanced out at the view before me, it was the same, everything was the same but somehow different. The world moves on and I am left here, sitting on a park bench under the shade of a tree, in an abandoned park in a remote town in the middle of nowhere, truly and utterly alone.
"Goodbye Hachiman", I softly said, bidding farewell to my summer.
I felt a hot tear roll down my face and I wiped it away with my hand, before another one and another and another, until my vision blurred with my tears and I buried my face into my hands and cried.
Hey Hachiman…I will forever regret never asking…What if I said I didn't want you to go?
End.
Note: Like I said, I've always wanted to write a story like this, specifically with title like Antigonish, and yes, it is from the poem of the same name by William Hughes Means, it's a good title. I also wrote this listening to Helios by Haruka Nakamura ft LUCA and Shiver by Lucy Rose, really great songs and highly recommend listening to it.
I'm also taking this time to announce I will be taking a short break from writing and posting, so those who are following my current multichapter story, deep apologies, but no updates until maybe early-February. I really been thinking of doing it for a while and take time reading some more and focusing on other stuff. So again, sorry, but I shall be taking a short break.
If you like this, leave a review, I deeply appreciated. Anyways, catch you all in the New Year.
Later.