[The name of my OC is Lydia Romanoff and is made up by me.]
For the first time in my own opinion, the Swastika didn't really matter anymore. Right now, it was just a symbol on a piece of fabric that was not attached to my Millennium uniform which was two sizes too big. I still felt like a Nazi and nothing removed or attached to the uniform would get rid of that feeling.
I could feel it in the fabric; in every fold and stitch and in the pockets, in every sipper and button and in every little detail that I could find. The indignity was woven together in every layer of the textile and intertwines with all the pieces, all the way out towards the end of the black tie, which knot was even done perfectly by a Millennium member; I'm talking about the messenger himself. Schrödinger, which was there too.
All of Hellsing's trainees were seated on a raw of chairs and all the desks were moved out from the room we had held all our evening classes. Something told me that those classes no longer would be available for us. Ann. Kevin. Berry. Naomi. Everyone was here except Penelope, who was dead, who got killed, who got shot by Schrödinger, which was because of me.
The four people stared at me when I entered the room but I refused eye contact with all of them and sat down on the chair closest to the exit, just like a guard gestured me to do, without causing any trouble, and without hurting anyone.
Ann was the person who was furthest away from me, seated beside Kevin who sat next to Berry. On the chair next to mine, Naomi sat and I could smell her citrus scented perfume. I could smell her citrus scented perfume even in this dump. I began wondering if she managed to bring it with her when we got kidnapped because the scent was really intense; like she had just put it on or like I just had walked into the bathroom on her with steam all over the place from lemon shower gel, like a citrus scented sauna.
She caught me staring at her and smiled at me, and that made me very happy because I thought that she knew that I had the oddest relationship with a Nazi messenger boy with cat ears and made him blow Penelope's head off and that she was angry with me for that. She looked at the Millennium uniform but she didn't say a word about it. Her very familiar face made me remember my moments with her and all I wanted was to go back to those innocent, restless days when we had sleepovers and stayed up late and when we tried spooning on a sofa and I could smell her citrus perfume and mock her after we'd slept in and tricked her into that she was snoring, although she didn't.
Berry is a lucky guy to have a girl like Naomi, who is smart and healthy and smells good. I then began thinking if they got to share a room, since they were in a relationship. I remember that Penelope had told me once that she and Ann almost got approved to share a cell for two, but there were only a few of those cells and all was occupied. I'm pretty sure than Naomi and Berry is sharing one of those rooms.
Another breeze of citrus perfume attacked me when Naomi crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair, and then I wondered if she and Berry have been having sex in here. Not in here, the classroom, but in their most likely shared room. But I shouldn't think about this right now because a line-up of guards is standing in front of us, and before them, even closer to us, stood the captain. Schrödinger. Zorin, and Rip Van Winkle like a jury – The Millennium jury.
It was like they were about to do a performance for us, but all they did was staring at us like teachers gathering to whip discipline into a misbehaving school class, not including the captain who looked like he always did. Rip Van Winkle looked distressed, well more distressed than usual, resembling the role of the older emotionally unstable teacher of Mathematics and Zorin was the strictest of them all. Let's not forget that Schrödinger was the only one who was smiling.
Even the line-up behind them didn't manage to show any emotions whatsoever. Now that the five Hellsing trainees were in place, Zorin stepped forward, cracking her knuckles.
"I can see that you're one man short." she said. She had a cigarette in her mouth, and it almost dropped to the floor when she spoke, other than that, not a single muscle in her face flexed.
"A lady, actually…" an unknown man corrected in a dumb voice in the back of the crowd, making Zorin annoyed.
She took the cigarette from her lips and tossed it angrily back at the man so it hit him straight in the forehead, but he didn't move an inch and the face was stern and blameworthy. He was smart enough to keep his apologize for himself and stay silent. Zorin continued.
"A woman, a man swine, an inmate… What the hell." she muttered, and then she looked at me. I looked right back at her, visualizing my attention and genuine interest in her upcoming words. It wasn't until she took a slow first step towards my direction that I wasn't as optimistic as I was before.
"My condolences." she said solemnly, talking to us all, yet looking at me alone. "One of your people is slaughtered because of our, the Millennium's lack of observation. You are all inmates in our responsibility after all, and we-" she turned to Schrödinger with a scold on her face.
"Turned against our own ideal."
Schrödinger was still smiling like usual, but when Zorin's words reached his ears, they tilted backwards and he looked down at the floor. A spontaneous, very odd thought hit me then. I got a sudden fantasy about leaping out towards him and kiss him on the lips right then and there in front of everybody.
"Excuse me, Miss Blitz." a sudden, yet familiar voice said, distracting me from Schrödinger. When I realized that it was Kevin's voice a ton of secondhand-embarrassed ate at me because of the fact that he'd called Zorin Miss Blitz, but Zorin herself didn't seem to mind at all, of course. Miss Blitz turned to Kevin the Receptionist immediately after hearing his voice.
"What is it boy?" she asked harshly, but the curiosity could be noted in her uncanny eyes.
"Um." Kevin began, and the secondhand-embarrassment became so overwhelming that I looked at Rip Van Winkle for help.
The freckled faced woman was still looking extremely nervous, her distressfulness mirroring how I felt on the inside. She didn't seem to be alright. I was worried about her. Just watching her standing there like a nervous wreck in-between the grinning Cheshire and the stone-faced captain was unbearable.
At the same time, I had no clue what was troubling her so. Of course, this whole gathering was a bit awkward and the air in the evening class had gotten so heavy it was hard to breathe, but why was Winkle the vulnerable one in this? She hasn't done anything wrong, has she?
Then, when she looked at me pleadingly, the horrific thought entered my mind.
Maybe she was aware of what would happen to us? I wouldn't be surprised if this was some sort of punishment made up by Zorin's wicked mind.
"What happened to the perpetrator?" Kevin finally managed to ask without messing up, and his question made me and all my former colleagues look at her. Me, because I was slightly surprised that they didn't already know who was responsible, and the others because they wanted to know.
It made me realize that perhaps I was the only one of us who knew Schrödinger took Penelope's life. Me and Millennium, of course.
I looked at Schrödinger in vain hope. A sudden wish of having him labeled innocent existed within me. Schrödinger's eyes were in a bright pink shade when our eyes locked, and just after he winked at me, Zorin answered bluntly:
"He joined her fate shortly after the incident."
The whole room went silent and I wanted to laugh, because I could see the perpetrator standing right there in front of our very eyes, smirking in the flesh.
Zorin was lying to everyone, and even though she didn't tell the truth, she somehow had fooled me too. She was a very frightening and convincing woman. Like she had read my mind, she looked at me and I could almost see a smile taking form onto her masculine features. But when she opened her mouth again the same harsh and emotionless voice left her.
"The body of your friend is removed and no longer a reminder of the curious incident. Let her rest in peace." she said in such a casual way, like informing bad news in the form of rainy weather or raw fish soup for lunch.
She had called it all a curious incident. Penelope's death was a curious incident.
After having those words said, she broke eye contact with me and turned to the group, the newborn shimmer in her eyes telling me that she had something evil in her mind.
"Now, Hellsing's incompetent imbeciles. What to do now, after the obviousness is out of the way?" she asked, but it was a question that none of us could or should answer.
"Don't look so shocked little ones… I've heard things about previous disputes with the dead girl." she informed, and to my utter surprise, she did not look at me.
"I cannot tolerate internal disputes among our inmates. We only have two sides to choose between. There's you-" she mentioned to our silly gathering of five. "And us." she said, extending her arms in front of the three other jury members and the line-up of at least ten men behind them.
I felt a bit stupid, because I was sort of standing right on the line between the two groups of people. I was sitting with my own, my Hellsing squad, wearing a flipping Millennium uniform. This is the closest I've ever gotten to being a rebel in my life, or an outcast. Zorin was straight as a pine.
I began wondering if she was showing me mercy because of the uniform I was wearing, because she did no longer stare daggers into my eyes like she was doing just a few moments ago, but at everyone else other than me.
"Is there a problem?" she asked. "Anything someone would like to share. Any torments? Plagues? Be frank with me. Why can't you get along? Don't give me any shit. Give me the fucking truth. If you want to jump on someone right now, this is your chance!" she urged us all, taking a few steps back to make room for whoever dared to speak up. I couldn't see any of the other people's faces, except Naomi's who instantly looked away; avoiding Zorin's piercing eyes like they were pest.
"Fine then." Zorin stated, almost in a satisfaction. Her large hands were put on her broad hips in a wide state, her feet positioned far apart. She reminded me of Wonder Woman.
If Zorin could read minds, I would instantly eat up that thought, because after examining us all, she said "If none of you can speak up, then none of you will have any choice. Romanoff, you first!"
Of course she had to call on me.
Her eyes were fetched on my uniform collar, and the missing Swastika piece that would have been on my arm. I stood up, making sure my pants wouldn't fall down to my knees, and awkwardly stepped forward. My gaze gambled between the two groups of people. I didn't know which one who was more appealing to look at, so my gaze fell to the floor.
Zorin was towering over me like a judge in a boxing ring. I was nervous and I didn't know what to say or what to do.
"Sorry I – I don't really..."
I hated the stupid little shake in my voice.
"Oh, It's okay Lydia!"
My eyes darted around at the mention of my name.
This voice did not belong to Zorin, or anyone else in the Millenium Organization whatsoever.
Ann was the responsible owner of the voice.
"I can go first!" Ann had made a move of her own, to everyone's surprise.
She stood up from her chair, pushing it more than one meter behind her in the process. Zorin took another step back, not out for fear of course, but to join the crowd of the soldiers and guards as a spectator. They all were looking at Ann in I mixture of confusion and curiosity.
Even Kevin and Berry looked surprised. My first instinct was to look at Schrödinger or Rip Van Winkle, perhaps ask for an explanation, but I was still embarrassed and a bit shaken for the involuntary attention Zorin had put on me, so that had to wait until later.
"I got a problem alright…" Ann said, looking fearlessly at Zorin while she spoke. She was always good at making presentations back in school, even though she hated it and rarely did her homework. I remember Ann and Penelope and I actually even had a group project once, but that was a long time ago and it didn't matter now.
"My best friend got shot in the head like a farm animal. I got her blood and brains in my spinach for God's sake!" she proclaimed, actually having deserved the right to abuse God's name, just this once. But she sounded way more angry than sad. Anger was Ann's solution to almost everything.
I examined her appearance. Her tights were full of holes and she had black converse on her tiny feet. Her feet were perhaps the only thing petite with her. I observed her enormous calf muscles; she was good at wrestling, too. There once was a rumor in school that she had broken the neck of a girl two years older than her with a grab of her legs, but I don't know if that is true or not.
Being the big, strong girl that she was; it was no surprise that she wanted to be in the army of Hellsing. Too bad she couldn't finish her military-training before we ended up in this place.
"I know Pen wasn't killed for her outburst at little stammering Bambi over there!" she pointed at me, almost making me gasp in an insulted manner.
She called me a stammering Bambi.
"I cannot tolerate municipal punishment when it is her fault and hers only! She said something to Penelope that got her killed!" she shouted, and then she stared at me. "Didn't you, Lydia! Speak up and stop being so fucking selfish!"
I don't like when people yell at me. I can't manage a single word. I get like a standing dead person. A living dead. Countless eyes were watching us, not helping my poor unfortunate soul a particle. If she continued screaming at me, I would break down and cry, but like she was aware of that, she refused to stop.
"You did! You told her she was fucking around with guards! LYDIA!?"
I began thinking about her blown up argument, and when I realized that I hadn't said anything like that and wanted to correct her as kindly as possible, she said something that destroyed all the kindness I still managed to carry, after all that I'd been through in this living hell.
"It's so easy for you to talk, isn't it? Take a good look at yourself and your little pet over there - You can't even keep your hands off that worthless messenger boy! He's wearing a Hitler Youth uniform, for God's sake!"
That was Ann abusing the name of God one time too much, and most unforgettable, the name of Schrödinger.
I could move again. I had returned to life. Her words made me snap out of my victim state. My thoughts were still blurred, but I just kept on walking towards her, and she was ready for me. I was waiting patiently for her, listening to her headache-giving voice calmly until she would say something unnecessary enough that would give me the adrenaline I needed in the upcoming courage, or madness, that began taking form inside me.
"What's it to you, Lydia? You're a bloody pedophile now, or what? Or are you into some animalistic fetish thing with cats? While mentioning cats, did he lick your-"
"He's not worthless." I said loud enough to interrupt her, having gotten very close to her face.
It's slightly strange that out of all things she was throwing at me, the only thing that nudged me was that she had called him a worthless messenger boy.
Ann was twice my size, despite being short, and could probably snap my spine in two. But out of everything that had been said by Ann, my very own comeback was the thing that caused the most of surprise among the audience. Ann was most surprised of them all.
"All you are next to him is a short, fat wannabe devil worshipper." I said, quoting Rip Van Winkle in her honor.
This was the first time that I ever dared to speak back at her. It's a bit pathetic, but I felt like I had won, even for just a short moment.
Then, all of her words got repeated in my mind, and I've never felt so insulted in my entire life. Everything looped around in my head like a spinning wheel, and I couldn't decide what was making me angrier, until I began thinking about Schrödinger again.
What more can I say?
I wanted her sorry.
Ann stared at me in dangerous silence, eyes framed and highlighted with the darkest color she could've found, but her stare did not make me falter the slightest.
"Next to him, you are worth nothing. You're not even worthy of petting him." I said, remembering how nicely she'd pointed out that 'he was my little pet over there', and he was still over there, watching and listening with so much curiosity that he almost stumbled over.
Until now I had exceeded myself by remaining calm. But the more, I talked, the more I understood that Ann was just a simple human being; a fragile creature that had walked through my mind with her dirty feet, and I had let her.
I lost control over myself and I raised my voice.
"All that you are and all that you'll ever be is a WORTHLESS-"
I screamed, and it felt good.
It felt absolutely euphoric until Ann punched me and I fell to the floor headfirst like a crushing airplane.
Then I remembered that I was a mere human being too, an even more fragile creature in fact, a stammering Bambi.
I remembered who I was then; I can't fight anyone and I'm very sensitive and I cry at everything and I just got beaten to the ground. I could taste my own blood in my mouth. My teeth hurt and it felt like they would pop out if I felt them with my tongue. The side of my face also hurt. My nose was bleeding and my eyes was already filled with tears.
Ann had hit me straight in the face, and her hit was so hard that it had made me twirl and fall flat on the floor with my hands in front of me like I was giving up my life to all available gods in the entire universe. Everything was silent but I could hear a ringing in my ears. I didn't want to get up again but it would be stupid just laying there like a beaten young deer, so I slowly managed to sit up. Luckily enough, my back was facing Ann so I did not have to see her face yet.
I decided to look to my side instead. I wasn't sure which side was which until I locked stares with Rip Van Winkle.
At that very moment, I could no longer keep the tears stuck in my eyes so I let them go racing down my cheeks to my bloodied mouth. I realized that I had gotten way too much blood in my mouth, and I refused to swallow it so I gave myself the permission to spit it out on the floor in the most disgraceful of show.
It was the most terrible thing I had experienced yet.
No degree of shame is enough for explaining how shameful it was letting Winkle see her "fräulein" in this state. Schrödinger was a different thing, he'd seen me in so many states in lack of dignity, but Rip Van Winkle was different. Even though I barely knew the woman, I had developed a deeply rooted respect for her.
Rip Van Winkle looked away from me, which was a splendid decision.
Then she began chewing on her nails. She couldn't decide which expression to wear; her angry face turned into a sad face. She was laughing, but stopped like that was forbidden, and looked distressed again. She was headed towards the exit but halted sharply halfway. She glanced down at my pitiful person and I saw the strange consideration in her eyes.
She stepped closer, and I was certain that she would give me a helping hand, so certain that I even lifted my right hand for her to take, but then she removed the musket from her long body and put it down gently on the floor in front of me and her black shoes.
In the blink of an eye, she was all over Ann.
I turned around and watched this all happen in a state of shock; she had pinned her short, dense body to the ground and she was hitting her face with her scrawny fists, again and again and again and again.
I flinched every time she hit her, still having pain in my own face. I could feel Ann hitting me over and over again.
Naomi and Berry was now standing up together with Kevin, but I couldn't tell for how long they've been.
Ann began bleeding. The bright red blood looked almost fake on her pale skin and on Rip Van Winkle's where it sprayed in tiny spots, adding a new layer of freckles on her cheeks. I noticed that the blood that got in Winkle's face didn't have the same pattern that ended up on the wall. The white wall had gotten sharper and thicker stains that looked like tossed paint, not to mention the floor that was just a small pool of red underneath the two bodies.
In the most disturbing and morbid way, Rip Van Winkle was idealistically making her own dadaistic art with only her thin white gloves as a tool.
It would be an understatement to say that Ann could no longer defend herself. She didn't even have it coming, and I'm sure she wasn't even aware of it happening, or who the person straddling her body was. Unlike me, Ann couldn't recoil or even empty her mouth of blood.
She was too fragile.
Rip Van Winkle didn't stop when she had passed away. She still kept hitting her uncontrollably, the crimson circle getting bigger and bigger on the floor. Everyone in the room, human or immortal, everyone was too shocked to do anything about the situation. Even Miss Blitz looked like she had seen the last of her days.
Again and again she slammed her fists into the platter that once was her face. I don't know how but I had somehow managed to stand up on my feet, carrying the pipe of the heavy musket that dangled in one of my hands. I walked towards them, her name rolling of my tongue like I was talking with food in my mouth.
"Winkle." I said and I was just about to reach out for her and entangle her from Ann, but my arm got grabbed, and instead I was the person who got moved out of the classroom, and this other curious incident.
I wondered if I would ever be the same after this.
Schrödinger and I kept walking in a calm pace, a pace you walk with the wounded.
I got gently pulled to the side in a corridor that wasn't connected to the evening class.
The words being said sounds wise and foreign in my ears, especially coming from him.
"When a deer hears a dog barking, it flees." Schrödinger said to me.
I tried to not mind his grin and not get mad at him for smiling in a situation like this, or hinting my similarities with the Disney character. I considered it as a permanent expression of his. It wasn't a feeling to show. It's just what he looks like, and he's a sight worthy to see every day. His clothed fingers reached out towards my face as he held it with both of his hands. It made my fingers twitch and Winkle's weapon reminded me that it was still there by the touch, not that it was much necessary because it was a great thing to carry around with you. Rip Van Winkle great.
I swallowed something in my throat, not getting rid of the iron taste in my mouth. Schrödinger bumped his forehead against mine.
"It fucking flees Eve." Schrödinger said and left me with that strange feeling after hearing a little child curse for the first time.
"Listen, Lydia." he said. I can't remember the last time Schrödinger called me by my real name. "Never do something like that for someone like me ever again. Humans are only given one life, take care of yours." he whispered in such tenderness, I never knew he possessed.
"Schrödinger?" I asked him quietly.
"Yes?" he answered and pulled away slightly, willing to hear my out no matter what. He still held my face.
I said the first thing that came to my mind.
"Can you get me a belt?" I asked and when he looked at me like I was joking and started laughing at me, I said "I almost dropped my pants earlier. It was embarrassing. You better get me something to keep them from falling, or I'll walk around without them." I explained seriously, feeling my teeth hurt with every word.
Schrödinger smiled at me.
"Then what will keep you from falling?" he asked in a voice that couldn't upset anyone. He removed a hair from my sight swiftly.
"I want you to go to the infirmary first." he said. "Tell Doc to fix your face." he said more jokingly, and I couldn't help but smile.
"Okay." I said and sniffed, thankfully not shredding a single tear when he stepped back from me. His eyes dropped to Rip Van Winkle's musket.
"Do you want me to…?" he offered, but I shook my head quickly.
"No, I can do it." I said, wanting to keep it as an excuse for meeting her again. Schrödinger didn't say anything about it and watched me in a mixture of pity and amusement when I pulled up my pants, which was a difficult thing to do because the weapon was large and heavy and didn't do me any good at this moment. Right then, a few droplets of blood left my chin and fell to the floor silently.
"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked, looking town at the red pattern before our shoes.
"No." I replied almost instantly once again. On my own, Schrödinger couldn't see if I was crying or not.
"It's at the end of this corridor, and then turn left and left again." he informed like the true messenger boy he was and lifted his arm to point out where the infirmary was. I only nodded and cleared my throat, wanting to leave him as soon as possible before I would burst.
I turned around from him, the musket dangling in my hand that was dragging it. After taking only a few steps, I stopped.
I couldn't just leave him just yet. I refused to look him in the eyes, because I'm pretty certain that if I did, I would start crying. I took a poor breath, hearing it shake.
"Schrödinger." I said, believing it was worth the risk.
He didn't answer, but I knew he was there. He's always there. He's everywhere and nowhere.
"You're not worthless." I said. With that praise, I felt something that wasn't blood stream down my face. Thanks to my unreliable curiosity, I could not resist to know about his reaction and I was about to commit one out of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Curse my whole human creature and hand me over to the Devil for turning around.
Why did I turn around? Why did have to turn around to see, in his undying eyes, the heartrending feeling that was a reflection of my own?
For some unknown reason, the words that I'd spoken went through the heart of the messenger and moved him to timid tears.
Not bearing to see his face in that state, I turned around with an unshakeable determination and was taking the colorless corridor as my path with a bold assumption given that I was leaving this assassin alone with deep wounds in his heart.