Ok so I know you are SUPER excited for this chapter.
BUT as I am still trying to juggle being an adult with a real job (don't ever try it. stay a teen forever if you can!) I am still writing the very next chapter and beyond.
So I apologise 5000 times, because the delay on chapters is going to be way longer than previously.
Now you are thinking what can you do?
listen to the playlist I left you (speaking of - I'm a Fantastic Wreck by Montaigne helped me write this very chapter - if ever a time was to listen to this song and read this chapter it is now...)
Reread the story! leave me a love note... I mean review... hehe
PM me! I love to hear what you have to say.
I promise as I get the chapters done I will post them for you as fast as I can.

ok, without further ado
Chapter 18
XOXO
Natstar

(P.S. OH MY GAWD BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!)
(p.p.s. that Gaston!)

Shatter Me

Chapter 18

Hermione groaned and shifted in the bed. Blinking a few times she slowly recognised the familiar arches that were only in one section of Hogwarts – the Hospital Wing. Hermione stretched and sat up blinking. On the opposite side of her bed another form lay on the bed silver eyes staring across at her. Hermione frowned; looking away she saw a jug of water on her bedside table and poured herself a glass of water, the pain in her head still a dull ache. The person on the opposite side of the bed shifted slightly and grunted in pain.

"For someone lying unconscious Granger, you talk a lot in your sleep."

Hermione froze with the water halfway to her mouth. She looked back over to the bed and saw the silver hair reflect from the faint light coming from the office Madam Pomfrey used. Hermione remembered when she last saw him.

"You still look like shit Malfoy." She said softly, taking a quick sip of her water, grinning when she heard the snort that he heard her.

"Right back at you, Granger." Malfoy said dryly. Hermione snorted; then groaned as the pressure behind her eyes stabbed at her again. The glass of water slipped out of her hand and smashed on the ground, as she clutched at her head again. Footsteps came running but Hermione had already slipped again into the blackness as the pain lanced her again.

"Is she OK?" Draco asked as he looked at Hermione's slumped form. Madam Pomfrey didn't answer right away as she cast her charms again before righting Hermione back on the bed and cleaning up the shattered glass. She walked over to Draco and checked on him.

"You still look a little anaemic Mr Malfoy." Madam Pomfrey produced another blood replenishing potion and made him drink it.

"She will be." Madam Pomfrey said quietly as Draco drank, he nodded and settled back down. Madam Pomfrey disappeared back into her office and left him to watch the sleeping form of Hermione.

It was almost like a film reel cutting to a swirl of grey between scenes. Like a pause between episodes. She pulled more details this time like the blind love and adoration of a small boy believing that fairies did exist in a world that had already shown what the harsh realities were of being unloved by both parents. The boy struggling and confusing his sense of realities and trying to dissemble that the world did have love and people that loved that little boy. The greater hurt in life of those that are loved to those that don't. Recognising the emotional scars, before the physical wounds. Understanding that both could be just as deadly as the other.

Hermione remembered the pain. She remembered the hurt and she remembered the love.
The love of friends she made in the wrong time.
She remembered James and his wit, how he blushed flirting with girls.
She remembered Remus, frightened and ashamed. She remembered his quiet humour and his growing love for her.
She remembered Lily and her easy acceptance and kindness to the waif called Hermione Granger.
She remembered Marlene and her ability to light up a room and make everyone around her shine all the more brightly.
She remembered Peter and his complete devotion and love for his three best friends, and how bitter he became as his friends moved on from that childhood comradery letting it evolve as they accepted new people in their lives to love as he did not.
She remembered Regulus and his reservations and doubts that she was real; and the deep sadness of only being able to save one Black brother not both.
She remembered Mr and Mrs Potter and their kind acceptance, realising that she never actually thanked them properly in helping to save Sirius – saving her as well. She remembered Harry before his scar and how much he adored his godfather Pad Pad.
She remembered the mural depicting all of Sirius's friends and the betrayal of the one that ruined everyone in his life.

The grey came back and Hermione also remembered the shadow that seemed to chase her in her mind the grey in her mind cut off the scenes. The grey had been as much her friend and enemy in her time. She remembered the red dress and how she shattered the grey. She did not want anyone to walk the roads she had trodden. She shattered her own mind. In the grey the face was indiscernible. But the threat it imposed remained…

Hermione awoke with a start. Something felt wrong. She blinked away sleep and tried to reach for her wand but was met with resistance at her wrist. She tried to pull her other wrist and it was met with the same. Hermione was wide awake now and she took in her surroundings. She was still in her hospital bed, still in the hospital wing. The bed opposite was empty, remade ready for its next patient; she must have been unconscious longer this time. Movement from Madam Pomfrey's office caught her eye and dread rose like bile in her throat.

She pulled at the restraints at her wrists, whimpering slightly as it cut into her skin. The movement in the office stopped for a moment then turned walking out. Hermione's eyes widened in fear as she recognised the face of the wizard that came towards her slowly. Her brain bizarrely registered his cloak this time was not black, but it did nothing to ease the fear.

"So you're awake, Poppet." His voice refined and cultured. That seemed to unnerve her all the more. He stopped at the end of the bed, his face impassive. He just stared at her for a long time before he finally moved again, drawing his wand slowly from his robes. She didn't need an explanation on what he was going to do. She remembered the last time that he had tried. The thought strengthened her as she felt the scratching presence rubbing against the barriers in her mind. It felt wrong and she mentally pushed the wrongness away with a force that staggered the man in front of her. He straightened and scowled at her.

"This is for the greater good Poppet." His voice was a little rougher now. Something in Hermione seemed to snap at the comment. She no longer felt afraid. Instead a deep rage rose slowly from within her. 'The greater good' her mind and rage seethed as the words turned around in her head. She smiled as she felt the presence enter her mind again. She felt it stall as the barriers seemed to have disappeared and he encountered a greyness; an ever swirling greyness, indistinct yet not quite able to shape.

"There are few things that I have learned to despise above all things sir." Her voice jarred him as she spoke aloud while he pushed himself further into her mind.

"The first is the term 'the greater good.'" She growled. He now felt something within the greyness and began to realise that he had gone too far.

"The second is people thinking they can take advantage of me." He heard the anger in her voice this time and the faint sounds of the restraints snapping free. At the same time something now whispered against his own mind, feather light brushed against him.

"The third is how much everyone underestimates what I am actually capable of." Hermione whispered the last. The grey had disappeared and the wizard realised he had been purged from her mind. His waking eye saw her standing on her bed in her gown that seemed to whip about her from a wind he could not feel. His eye trailed up to Hermione's face, a mask of fury, her hair coiled and curled around her crackling with magic. He felt something whisper against his cheek and his mind and a spark crackled against both. His waking eye saw as she moved her wand to point directly at him as the feather light touch became a razor slicing him. It cut his cheek and his mind.

"You broke me." Her voice was ice to the fury he saw. He realised he couldn't move. She smiled darkly at the panic finally showing in his eyes.

"You thought I was already broken. When you found me lying by the archway, by the Veil" Her mouth didn't move but her words whispered in his mind, echoing inside his skull.

"Do you know what is in the Veil?" The voice whispered against his mental barriers. She appeared just within those barriers dressed in the bright red dress that hid bloodstains so well. The dress wasn't torn or stained and the girl that wore it wasn't bleeding. She stood regally, glaring at the man both within his mind and from his waking eye. Realisation struck as he didn't feel her breach his own mental barriers.

"Oh I breached your mind long ago." Her voice in his mind said as she laughed softly on the outside. The laughter stopped suddenly.

"It was why I had to shatter everything and be forced to forget everything of my time there!" Both voices shouted at him, rage and sorrow howling through him. He staggered again this time falling backwards. He thought he would hit his head but she was there cradling him, as a mother would a sick child.

"Now it is time for you to forget everything." She whispered softly in his ear. She touched her wand to his temple and whispered like a lover's caress "Obliviate" Hermione stood up and looked down at the Unspeakable that had found her. She hadn't realised that her nightgown had transfigured to the red dress, until that moment. She had wiped his mind completely. She had seen that he had a family but he had broken everything in her in that moment that she did not care.

Hermione heard a sound from the office. A groan. Yet the memories she now remembered had begun to run fresh through her mind. She fled. Hermione ran her dress streaming behind her. The castle doors stood ajar and Hermione slipped out into the night. Her memories tumbling over and over as she tried to outrun it all; emotions and pain pushing her to the main gate. As soon as she passed through the magical protections, Hermione apparated; the loud crack echoing in the darkness.

"She made an Unspeakable unable to speak?" Sirius asked incredulously, stopping his pacing in Dumbledore's office. He had been in there arguing to be able to be let back into the Hospital Wing. He and Harry had both been banned by Madam Pomfrey as both apparently could not contain their anger as she tried to heal Draco Malfoy. Now Dumbledore was holding him back from trying to find her. He was furious.

"It would appear so." Severus Snape drawled.

"And she isn't in the castle?" Dumbledore asked, looking at the three before him.

"We checked the castle. Including the Room of Requirement. Hagrid is searching the grounds." Professor McGonagall said, worry about her pupil evident in her tone.

"Do we know how an Unspeakable made their way into the castle?" Sirius asked glaring at Dumbledore.

"We will unfortunately never know, as Miss Granger seems to have mastered the ability to wipe his memory so thoroughly." The Headmaster said.

Heavy footsteps on the staircase sounded as Hagrid trudged into the Headmaster's office, Fang trailing behind.

"No sign o' her Professor Dumbledore." Hagrid reported to the Headmaster.

"None at all?" Professor Dumbledore pressed the groundskeeper. Hagrid shifted uneasily under the gazes of the four people around him, Fang as if sensing the uneasiness whined.

"There was summit. Fang ran to the gates to Hogsmeade. Bu' he stopped just past and began runnin' in circles." Hagrid said shrugging, as if it wasn't important.

Sirius however looked at Fang and began swearing.

"She can apparate? But she hasn't done the test!" Professor McGonagall asked in surprise, quickly understanding Sirius's outburst.

"One thing that never has failed to surprise me Minerva, is that Miss Granger is not as law abiding as you seem to think." Severus pointed out sourly, "The question now is where would she have gone?"

"Where indeed?" Dumbledore reflected looking at Sirius. "I will summon the order. Sirius you will meet them at Grimmauld Place and provide details on places that she may have gone to." Dumbledore ordered. Sirius wasted no time and stormed out of the office.

As soon as he reached the great hall he transformed into his dog form and began sniffing. He whined in frustration unable to pick up the scent and ran outside sneezing. His dog form never liked the lingering magic in the air, especially around Hogwarts. Padfoot trotted towards the gate nose to the ground the whole time. He let out a bark as he found the familiar smell and followed it.

Just like fang he reached a point just beyond the gates and ran circles. The dog whine turned into a groan of frustration as Sirius transformed back and apparated on the spot to the front steps of Grimmauld Place, as instructed by Dumbledore. In vain hope he checked every room twice before he heard the sounds of people arriving. Remus was the first and Sirius told him everything, quietly as they waited for others to come.

"Merlin's beard!" Remus exclaimed. "She obliviated the Unspeakable?" Sirius nodded, his face was grim.

"I checked the Terrace House before coming here. She hasn't gone there." Remus told his friend. Sirius nodded again.

"Thanks. Better go in, I don't think we are going to get any more to help search for her." Sirius said quietly, putting his hand out for Remus to enter before stepping into the kitchen himself. Sirius looked around the room.
Tonks, Fred, George, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Bill and Fleur all stood on one side of the table, Remus along with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-eye Moody stood on the other. Not many but he knew that was all the help he was getting without adversely alerting either the Ministry or the Dark Lord.

Sirius flicked his wand at the table and a map appeared before them. He flicked it again and certain places on the map glowed. He kept the briefing short. Molly volunteered to stay at Headquarters and the others paired off, and began assigning search points. Remus paired with Sirius, kissing Tonks briefly before following Sirius out to the front entrance and apparating to the town square in Oxford, near Hermione's house. Sirius transformed back into Padfoot as it was one of the best ways to search for Hermione.

They split up and Padfoot headed for the house that Hermione had grown up in, the house where her parents had been murdered. Remus went in the direction of the graveyard where Sirius had arranged for them to be buried. It was one of the more likely locations that she could have gone to. It was also a place that may have a spy watching out in case Hermione did decide to come and visit.

Padfoot looked at the house now closed off by builder's fences. The grass in the front yard that used to be carefully trimmed had grown out, browned by the frost of winter. Padfoot slipped easily through and sniffed around. Her scent here was faded and there were no new scents around the house. He picked up a few other lingering scents and dismissed them nothing in the house was new. He crept up to the bedroom she had once lived in. He knew that the Dark Lord had been there in that room. He growled softly and left the building.

He found her local haunts around the respectable town, the tree she would spend her summers under reading. The nearly hidden lake a short walk from her home that she and many local children played and swam in summer and ice skated upon in winter. Reluctantly he made his way back to the square they apparated to, Remus was already there.

"Nothing. She hasn't been there. Any luck?" Remus asked as Padfoot approached, transforming back to Sirius to answer his best friend.

"Nothing at her house. All old smells. Many unpleasant." He said pulling out an identical map he had created at Grimmauld Place and tapped the lit spot turning it black to indicate that they had completed the search. It would replicate on the other maps carried by the others, and to the main one in Headquarters monitored by Molly.

Sirius opened up the map more looking at it. Godric's Hollow was blackened out, Moody and Kingsley had started there. They were the only dots that were blackened as being one of the few places easiest to search. Remus tapped the map at a glowing dot unassigned.

"We will try there next." Sirius studied the dot and rolled up the map. Two sharp cracks sounding as they popped out of existence.

Snow crunched under foot as they apparated into the countryside. A short walk through the trees stood a small cottage. Both men checked the ground around them for footprints as they trudged towards it. The sign on the door read 'Mac Tíre Tearmann'. Remus's cottage. These days he only used it on the week around the full moon. Remus checked the wards around his house and found none of them were disturbed. Stepping through the threshold he found the cottage as he had left it last time he was there. Sirius had gone to double check around the forest. But Remus knew that she didn't come here.

Sirius stepped into the building silent as he pulled out the map again. There were more black dots in place of the brightly lit ones as the others search attempts came up blank. Sirius put in every possible place that he could think of between England and Scotland he knew she had been, when she was in her time and when she recalled places she went to when she opened up to him when she was in his time.

He ruled out Azkaban for obvious reasons she would never go there and the island in the Caribbean was too far for anyone to physically apparate to. Sirius stared at the map feeling like he was missing a place. As he studied the map more and more black spots appeared, the searches all coming up blank.

"Of Course!" Remus stared at the map, putting his finger on a place. Sirius frowned at where he pointed.

"Sirius her dream. She was drowning in an ocean. What if she went back there?" Remus exclaimed.

Sirius stared at the spot on the map. It had taken Sirius a little time to find out where he had reached mainland after escaping. He and Remus had laughed at the irony of the location of all places to reach land after escaping Azkaban. Black Dog, near Aberdeen. It was a tiny little village, if one could call it a village. The nearby beach however stretched on for kilometres both directions. He watched as another dot went black on the map, it decided him.

Both hurried out. Remus grabbed his hand, side-along apparating with him as he had never been to that part of the country. They came out just above the beach, the arctic winds hitting them instantly. Directly before them the beach was empty. They looked up and down the beach it seemed empty except for a red spec in the distance.

Sirius didn't wait for Remus as he apparated down the beach towards the red spec. Remus followed suit reducing the distance as they approached. The spec became larger and more identifiable. A lone figure stood in a red dress, the wind whipping it about. Her hair blew free in the breeze as she stood solitary, on the edge of where the waves crashed; looking out to the ocean and the churning grey sky.

They knew that she would have heard them apparate towards her, but she did not move. She stood like a statue on the sand. Remus stopped a ways off and watched as Sirius slowly approached her. Knowing both would need some privacy. He pulled out the map and marked where they came out in gold to say they found her.

Hermione had heard the pops of someone apparating closer to her. She had no doubt who it was. Somewhere in her heart she felt the pull knowing that Sirius would eventually find her. The wind whipped her hair, tangling it in the salty air. Her dress buffeting against her, as if was trying to pull her away. She remembered the feeling all too well. But the grey and the whispering veil no longer pulled her from the world. Hermione watched the slate ocean waves crash and storm against the beach as the dark clouds roiled above. The closest match to the greyness she could find.

When she apparated and ended up on the beach she had kept running. She had screamed into the wind until her throat grew hoarse. She had cried salty tears falling onto the sand adding to the salty water of the sea. She didn't know how long she was there but she had finally found what she had sought. Numbness. Of course her the cynical voice in her mind said that was most likely hyperthermia standing in a thin silk dress on a storm swept beach at the end of winter.

The sand crunched under foot as Sirius approached slowing as he neared her noting her wand sticking out from where she held it tightly, with her arms wrapped around her body. He saw everything from the tear streaked face, the blueness of her lips from the cold, the goose bumps on her arms and the dampness on the bottom of her dress when she had walked too close to the water and waves had splashed her. Her bare feet were half covered in sand. He saw the raw marks on her wrists. He saw the haunted look in her eyes. Sirius pulled off his cloak and stepped forwards wrapping it around her as he moved to stand in front of her. He pulled her close and held her, unable to speak. He felt her begin to sob against him and held her as she released the anguish still pent up inside her. Tears of his own fell from his eyes landing in her hair.

The wind blasted his back with its icy breath, threatening to pull the cloak from around her. But Sirius held fast as she leaned against him. He kissed the top of her hair inhaling her scent.

"I have not stopped loving you Princess." He crooned softly into her ear lest his words be caught by the wind. "Not a single day has gone by that I have not stopped loving you."

Hermione lifted her head from his chest and looked up into those mercurial grey eyes, which shared the same shadows that lingered in her brown eyes. "I know." Her voice cracked "I remember."

Tears filled her eyes, "Sirius, I don't ever want to forget again." Her voice breaking as she spoke. Sirius moved his hands to cup her face and wipe the fresh tears that leaked from her eyes and smiled at her.

"Well you know what you have to do?" He asked her. Hermione frowned at the question. Sirius chuckled and kissed the crease on her brow.

"All the best stories tell it." He whispered to her. "The princess must be kissed by her prince." His lips captured hers before she could react. She felt him growl gently and she gasped into his mouth, allowing him to deepen the kiss. She leaned into him her hands released her wand, letting it fall into the sand, as her arms snaked around his neck. He nibbled her bottom lip enticing a moan from her. Reluctantly Sirius pulled out of the kiss. Both panted slightly.

"Come on Princess, we should get you somewhere so you can warm up." He said softly, scooping her into his arms turning as Remus walked slowly towards them, his wand out and accioed Hermione's wand. Hermione didn't notice as she clung tightly to Sirius, her head resting against his shoulder. Turning on the spot they both apparated away to the gates of Hogwarts and walked slowly back to the castle.