[I'm doing fine, I'm on some new shit. Been saying 'yes' instead of 'no', I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though. I hit the ground running each night, I hit the Sunday matinee. You know all the greatest film were never made. I guess you never know, and if you wanted me you really should've showed. And if you never bleed you're never gonna grow, and its alright.]
Derek stared at the last sip of scotch that was in this glass for a moment before bringing it to his lips and finished it.
"Another one?"
He nodded at Joe. "Please."
"A lot on your mind?" The bartender asked as he refilled Derek's glass.
Derek gave him a soft smile. "You could say that."
"Girl problems?"
Derek chuckles. "That obvious?"
"Only a little."
As soon as his glass was refilled, Derek took another large sip. He thought back over the several months of his life. When he signed his divorce papers, he was so confident that it was decision. He was certain that his marriage was over, that he was no longer in love with Addison, and that Meredith was the one He spent awhile whole heartedly believing that. Meredith was the anti-Addison. She was young, blonde, a different view on life, innocent in a way. The intern was a breath of fresh air, she wasn't phased. Derek loved her.
Loved. Past tense. Loved. He was no longer in love with her. He was so sure that she wasn't a phase for him, maybe now, now he was thinking she was. Meredith was the anti-Addison. But that was the problem he was facing, she wasn't Addison.
Addison was a pain in his ass. She was stubborn, set in her ways, opinioned, hot headed at times. Yet he also loved those things about her. She was set in ways because she was confident, opinioned because she was passionate. She was also funny, brilliant, talented, the perfect combination of sexy and cute, and god she was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. She was the one that got away. The one he let get away.
Before Addison had left for LA, her and Derek had slept together. They called it there goodbye. It started heated and passionately, then turned loving and tender. They both hated the term 'making love' but he felt that they would both agree that's what happened. Ever since then, Derek couldn't stop thinking about her. He spent the last twenty three weeks allowing Addison to consume his mind. He missed her. He missed her red hair, her smile, her sassy remarks, he missed looking up and seeing her from across the hallways of the hospitals, her glasses resting on the tip of her nose as she read her paperwork. He missed her soft skin, her red lips, her ocean eyes, her kisses. He just missed her.
Derek took another rather large drink from his scotch as she thought of his ex-wife, realizing how much he wished she wasn't his ex-wife.
"It's her isn't it?"
Derek turned around to see Meredith standing behind him. He looked at her sadly, seeing she was holding back tears.
"Meredith..."
"I'm right aren't I? It's Addison. Cause you haven't been the same since she left. I kept telling myself I was crazy, and it was nothing. Because we were good, and you were over her. But I was wrong. We weren't good, and you aren't over her. And you're distance now, and uninterested."
"Meredith...I'm so sorry."
"You always are." Meredith turned to leave but stops herself to say one last thing. " I hope you finally figure out what you want...because we're not going to just stay around for you to pull us back and forth."
Derek watched her leave and then brought his attention back to his drink, throwing it back and finishing it. She was right. What he was doing to the two of them was unfair. He couldn't just keep Meredith and Addison around to go back and fourth between. He was playing with feelings and hurting them. He felt ashamed. After giving Addison an endlessly hard time about cheating with Mark, he ended up being no better.
He needed to decide. Meredith or Addison. He needed to let one go and fight for the other. Though as he thought about this, it was no question. He didn't need time to think about what he needed to do, he already knew it. His heart already knew it. He started a smiled to himself, this next week was going to be exciting.
[But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool. And if my wishes came true, it would have been you. In my defense I have none, for never leaving well enough alone. But it would've been fun, if you would've been the one.]
LA was different. It was different from New York and very different from Seattle. It was hard picturing Addison living here...and liking it. His taxi pulled up Oceanside Wellness Center and Derek could have swore he was taken to the wrong place, the driver double checked and assured him it was right. The place was small, cute, but small. He took the elevator up, his excitement increasing each minute.
The bell dinged and the doors opened. Derek looked around the floor. It was...different. He was used to the hospital where is was chaos and surgeries and running around, adrenaline pumping. (Most days that is). There was no chaos here. There was a waiting room right with two families patiently waiting their turn. It was actually a nice and relaxing atmosphere. He didn't mind it. It was hard to picture Addison going from Seattle Grace to Oceanside Wellness, but he understood the appeal.
"Hi, can I help you? Are you looking for someone?" The young man at the desk ask. Derek softly smiled, realizing he must look lost with how he was looking around.
"Yeah, um, I'm actually looking for Addison Montgomery." Derek said politely.
"Alright? What's your name?"
"Oh, I don't have an appointment, I'm..um..well, I'm an old friend."
"Alright. I'll just give her a quick call and her know you're here. What's your name?'
Derek opened his mouth to give the man his name but was interrupted.
"Derek?!"
He turned to the voice and smiled, then stared at her appearance, becoming just as shocked as she was. There stood Addison, looking beautiful as ever. Her hair was longer, still the fiery red its always been. She had a glowing tan, LA looked good on her. She wore a blue dress the went to her knee's, always showing off her legs. Though it dress also showed off something else, something he wasn't expecting to see. A quite pregnant belly.
"Addie."
Derek walked over to her, knowing she was too shocked to come to him. He couldn't help but smile. God he missed her, he missed her so much. He's eyes kept wondering to her bump, he had so many questions. He couldn't help but think about how good pregnancy looked on her. She was glowing, and she looked so cute with a baby bump.
"Wh-what are you doing here?"
"You're pregnant."
"You didn't answer my question. Why are you here Derek?"
"I was in the neighborhood."
"You weren't even in the state."
"I came to see you."
"Don't say that."
"Why?"
"Why are you really here Derek?"
"How far along are you?"
Addison sighed, shooting him a quick glare. "Let's talk in my office."
She lead him down the hallway, holding open the door to the third office on the right. Once they were both in her office, Addison locked the door behind them. It was then he knew he was trouble, she was mad.
"What the hell Derek?!"
He just smiled at her. Yeah she was mad but he actually kind of missed her being mad at him. He knew any minute now she was going to on one of her angry rants. Which would last about two minutes, she would talk in circle and he would find it cute and chuckle at her, which would only make her more mad and she go on another rant that would end up in her laughing because he would just be smiling at her the whole time.
"Don't give me that face."
"What face?"
"You're stupid smiling face. That stupid sweet smile o yours. You're not allowed to smile at me!"
"Why not?"
"Why are you here?"
"I already told you."
"Why are you really here?"
"I told you, for you. I can't visit you?"
"We haven't talked in nearly 6 months."
"Is that how far along you are?"
"Derek..."
"How far along are you Addison?"
"None of your business."
"So whose the lucky guy?"
"This is MY baby. Mine!"
Derek was taken back by how defensive she got, he felt bad for upsetting her. It wasn't his intention at all. Honestly, he was just curious to see if she was having his baby by any chance. It was her speciality, not his, but given by how far along she looked, it made sense. And well, he liked the idea of her having his baby.
"Addie..." He slowly approached her, seeing that she was upset he wanted to make sure she was okay with him being close to her.
"Sorry, hormones..."
He gently touched her arm then pulled her into a hug. She quickly leaned into his touch, wrapping her arms around him and nuzzling her head in the crook of his neck. Both of them soaked up the moment, enjoying being together again. Derek heard Addison softly sigh happily, causing him to smile.
[I have this dream you're doing cool shit, having adventures on your own. You meet some woman on the internet and take her home. We never painted by the numbers, baby but we making it count. You know the greatest loves of all time are over now. I guess you never know, and its another day of waking up alone.]
They sat on the back porch of Addison's house that night, each sipping of a cup of tea. Derek watched the waves hit the shore, it was a beautiful view. Almost as beautiful as the view next to him. He turned to glance at Addison, who had one hand clutching her mug of tea and the other resting on her baby bump. Derek smiled at the sight. Only one day there and LA was really growing on him.
"You seem happy."
Addison smiles at him. "I am."
"A lot happier then you were in Seattle..."
"Seattle wasn't good for me."
"And LA is?"
"I have no history here, no bad memories that haunt me. LA is my fresh start, she is my fresh start." Addison smiles, rubbing her bump.
"She?!"
"She. I'm having a girl."
"Do you have a name picked out?"
Addison shrugged. "I like the name Carson but I'm not sure if that's the one."
"Its not."
She smiles and chuckles. "Are you turning down MY child's name?"
Derek's put his hand on her belly. "No, she is. She says pick another name." He tells her teasingly. The smile on his face turns to one of pure awe and fascination as the baby Addison was growing moved against his hand. He put his other hand on her belly to get the full experience. Addison couldn't help but smile, tearing up at the sight of Derek feeling the baby move. It was a beautiful moment for both of them.
"Wow...that's incredible." Derek said softly, looking up and allowing his eyes meet Addison's. She smiles, putting her hand on top of his.
"It's my favorite feeling in the world."
Derek kept his hands on her bump. This moment, this feeling, was beyond words for him. He couldn't stop smiling. He felt happiness he had never felt before, like all he ever needed in life was right there with him. He didn't want to be anywhere else, this is where he was meant to be. With Addison, with this baby. He wasn't going to give up, he was going to fight for her, for their life together.
"Derek..."
Addison said his name in a soft whisper, but longingly. It was all he needed to make the first move, a move he's been wanting to make since arriving in LA. Since their last moment together in Seattle. Derek leaned forward and connected their lips. The kiss was soft and gentle at first, he wanted to see how she would react. When she return the kiss, welcoming his act of romance, Derek deepened it. Their kiss turned to passion, silently speaking their feelings for one another.
His hands moved from her body and tangled gently in her hair as they kissed. They parted briefly to catch their breath before crashing their lips together again. They had missed each other, maybe more then they had both realized.
"Derek, what are we doing?" Addison asked softly, resting her forehead against his.
"Coming back to each other,"
"What about Meredith? And Seattle?"
"They don't matter."
"You don't mean that."
"I do, Addison. I messed up. I should have forgiven you sooner, I should have fought for us, I never should have let you go."
Addison took in a deep breath, look up in attempts to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. She had wanted to hear that from Derek for so long. But too much was at risk now. What if he went back to Meredith and broke her heart again? She wouldn't be able to handle it. She was a mother now, she had to put her daughter first.
"You were in love with Meredith. Madly in love."
"My love for Meredith...its not like my love for you. She was different for you, she was everything you're not. I was so mad at you back then that I fell for her simply for that reason. But you can't love someone for being the opposite of someone else. That's not real love. Meredith...she ended up reminding me why I loved you so much. All those things I thought I hated about you, I found myself missing. I missed you being passive aggressive, because you always admitted you were being passive aggressive in a really shy, cute way. Plus you're kinda hot when you're mad. I miss you taking too long to get ready, because the moment you finish and walk out of the room you take my breath away with how beautiful you are. I miss waking up to you, I miss falling asleep with you. I miss all the little moments with you I took for granted. I swear Addison, I'm going to make it up to you, I'm going to show you how sorry I am, and how much I love you."
Addison was crying at this point, Derek pulled her into a hug and held her close. "Shhh, it okay Addie, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
She shook her head and pulled away from the hug. "I can't, we can't...I can't do this."
"What? Why?"
"Its just a matter of time before you run back to Meredith."
"Addison, I ended things with Meredith a month ago. She's not in the picture anymore."
"And how long with that last? I spent months watching you love her from a distance, watching you look at her in a way I don't think you ever looked at me. Look, you paint a pretty picture Derek, but its not real."
"It is Addison. Its real, my feelings for you are real."
Addison shakes her head and stands up, pacing back and fourth as she tried her best not to break down and cry. "Stop."
"Tell me you don't want it, tell me you don't love me and I will stop."
"I do want it. I want it so bad Derek. Of course I love you, I will always love you. But its not about me anymore, its about this little girl. I can't lose her."
"Addie...what are you talking about? Why would you lose her?"
Addison looked down with tears and remained quiet.
"Addison. Do you think I would take her from you?"
"I don't want a custody battle. I don't want going back and fourth from LA to Seattle, I don't want shared holidays. This baby, this little girl, she is everything to me! And I don't want to share her with Meredith Grey if you go back to her and Seattle! I don't want you breaking my heart again because I can't take it again!"
Derek looked at her shocked, letting her words and worries full sink in. Her distance and anger when he first arrived, her fear, it all made sense now. The thought he had in the back of his head since he got there, the feeling he got when he felt the baby move, she just confirmed. But he needed more, he needed to hear her say it.
"Addie...is that my baby?"
Addison took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking up. "Its kinda funny really, I went to LA for a week end, before I moved, to try to get pregnant and Naomi told me it would be nearly impossible. I only had like 3 good eggs left. Yet one night with you and I got a pink plus sign on that damn white stick."
"Oh Addison..."
"Look, I know I should have told you but-"
Her words were cut off by Derek's lips against her. When he pulled away he looked at her with the biggest smile, a smile that put a smile on her face.
"We're having a baby! I'm gonna be a dad!"
Derek knelt in front of her growing belly, putting his hands on her bump. "Hey babygirl, its your daddy. Don't worry, I won't let your mommy name you Carson, we'll come up with a better name for you. Together."
Addison chuckled through her tears. "Together?"
Derek stood back up, pulling Addison close and placing a kiss on her forehead. "Together. I promise you Addison, I'm not going to take our little girl from you. I'm not going to hurt you."
[But we were something don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool. And if my wishes came true, it would have been you. In my defense I have none, for never leaving well enough alone. But it would have been fun, if you would have been the one.]
Addison woke up the an empty bed, which usually wouldn't be an odd thing, but given she went to bed with Derek by her side she was a little confused as to why he wasn't there. Then the smell of breakfast caught her attention and she smiled. She got of a bed, sliding her feet into her slippers and following the smell of cooking food. She could get used to this, having him here with her. Being a family, she loved that idea.
"You're cooking."
Derek looked up to greet her with a smile. "Don't worry, its not trout."
Addison laughed. "Good. I would be worried if it was."
Derek wrap his arms around her and kissed her. "Good morning."
She hummed happily against his lips. "Good morning."
He gently rubbed her belly and smiled wide. "And good morning to you!'
"This is nice."
"Me talking to the bump?"
Addison chuckles. "No, well, yeah. That is nice, but I was talking about us."
"Oh, well, I'm glad you think so because you're gonna have to get used to it."
Addison blushed slightly and smiled. She definitely could get used to it. It felt natural and right. Like it was suppose to be. A part of her was still worried about Derek changing his mind and going back to Seattle to resume his life there. But the happiness he saw every time he interacted with their child made her feel like everything was going to be okay. She had never seen him as happy as she did when he found out he was going to be a father. She felt bad that she going to keep that from her.
"Do you want any help?"
"No, you sit and relax, I got it."
"So um, when do you have to go back to Seattle?"
"Um...I don't."
"What?"
"I bought a one way ticket here."
"You bought a one way ticket to LA?"
"Yeah..."
"What about your stuff? The trailer?"
"The good thing about living in a trailer is I don't have a lot of things. I took what I need and gave the trailer to Karev. And I'll e-mail Richard today about finding a replacement for me."
"So...you just moved in with me without giving me a warning?"
Derek paused, realizing his lack of a plan kind of made her right. "Yeah...I kind of did. But it was an accident. I didn't really plan anything other then coming here to get you back. That's all I had worked out."
"Wow...how the tables have turned."
Derek laughed. "Yeah, I guess they have."
"Hey Derek?"
"Yeah?"
Addison looked at him lovingly and smiled. "Thank you."
[I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? We were something don't you think so? Rose' flowing with your chosen family. And it would have been sweet, if it could have been me. In my defense I have none, for digging up the grave another time. But it would have been fun, if you would have been the one.]