[Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in. And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will. Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again. And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone. In silent screams, in wildest dreams, I never dreamt of this.]
Addison leaned back against the exam table, lifting her shirt to expose her belly for Naomi to start the ultrasound. She had already had a couple in the past but her excitement was always there in full for each one. She loved seeing her daughter and seeing her grow. But now, this one current ultrasound, was probably her favorite one. This was she was experiencing with Derek. They got to see their daughter together. They got to be a family.
Derek was glowing with excitement. He held onto Addison's hand, wearing the smile that hadn't left his face since the moment they had entered the room. He couldn't wait to see his baby for the first time. His baby. He was going to be a dad. That was something he had wanted for a long time, and now it was finally happening. And with Addison. There was no one else he would rather start a family with. She was it for him, he just wished that it didn't take losing her to realize that.
"Ready?" Naomi asked, squirting the cold gel onto Addison's belly in preparation to start.
"Yes!" Derek immediately answered with excitement.
Naomi placed the wand against Addie's stomach, slowly moving it around until finding the right spot, she turned the monitor a little more towards them as the imagine of their daughter took the screen. A smile immediately took hold of Addison's lips as she looked at her babygirl. She took a moment for stare at the ultrasound screen before looking at Derek, eagerly wanting to see his reaction. Her eyes filled with tears as she saw the pure awe and happiness on his face, tears building in his eyes.
"Oh my god..." Derek said softly, his eyes locked on the image of their baby. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He instantly fell in love. "That's our little girl, that's our little girl Addie!"
Addison smiles at him lovingly. "Yeah honey, it is."
Derek places a kiss on her hand before leaning down and kissing her lips passionately. He had never felt happiness like this before. Nothing could compare to what he was feeling, it was such a overwhelming happiness. A happiness that not only made him smile big, but made his heart smile. He kissed Addison, didn't want to stop. Sharing this moment with her only made him more in love her.
"I'm going to print out some pictures for you and give you two a moment." Naomi said, giving the couple a smile before gathering the paperwork and leaving.
As soon as Addison adjusted her clothes and sat back up, Derek wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you." He whispered to her, holding her close and kissing the top of her head. He was grateful for everything. For their daughter, for Addison carrying their daughter and keeping her safe and healthy, for Addison trusting him to be in the picture again and giving him another chance. She made him the happiest she has ever been.
Derek felt Addison slightly shake and heard a muffled noise come from her, he pulled back to see her softly crying. He looked at her concerned, gently running his fingers through her red hair. "Addie? Honey, what's wrong?"
"I wanted this...I wanted this so bad..."
"Wanted what?"
"You. You here with me and the baby."
"Addie, you're confusing me, I am here."
"Exactly. You're here, and its amazing and perfect and...and it feels too good to be true. And I don't want to lose you again.."
"Honey..." Derek pulls her close again, holding her in a comforting embrace. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
[This love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive back from the dead. These hands let it go free, this love came back to me.]
Derek knocked on Naomi's office door before walking in.
"Hey, Addie sent me to pick up the ultrasound pictures."
"Oh right, yes of course." Naomi shuffled through the files that were laying on her desk until she came across Addison's, opening it up to give Derek the pictures from today. She paused, looking down before handing them over.
"What are you doing Derek...?"
"What do you mean Nai?"
"With Addie, what are you doing?"
"Is it that hard to believe that I love her and still want to be with her?"
"Given everything that has happened, yeah It kind of is."
Derek softly sighed. "I love her Nai. Truly love her. And I want to be with her. I want us to be a family."
"Are you sure?"
"I am."
"Because she's been through enough. And she's finally gotten to a good point in her life, in her pregnancy. You know the first couple months she was really sick, to the point where she couldn't even come to work. She couldn't keep down any food, she was passing out. She started having panic attacks, she was scared she was going to have another miscarriage."
Derek's jaw dropped and his heart sank. "Another...?"
"I didn't mean...I wasn't suppose to say anything. Derek, I'm sorry.."
"When?! When was Addison pregnant before?!"
"About two years ago, she was 9 weeks."
"Why didn't she tell me?!"
"She tried. Then she lost it and...it was hard on her Derek. Really hard. She was losing you and then she lost the baby. Then Mark happened and well, you know the rest."
Derek ran his hand through his hair, tears pricking his eyes. Addison was pregnant before, she was pregnant before and he didn't know. She miscarried and he didn't know. He didn't know, he never noticed a single thing. How could he not see? How could he let his wife go through all that alone?! He felt sick, he felt heart broken. He had punished Addison for sleeping with Mark for so long and she said nothing. She took the blame and sat quickly as he chose to stay in his anger. All while she was hurting, and probably hurting more then him.
"Look Derek, we're all happy you're back, and with Addie. We're just-she's family. We're all family here, so we're just trying to protect her. If you're serious about staying with her and the baby, then we're thrilled. But if there's an ounce of doubt in your head about this, then you need to go, because you cannot get her hopes up and then break her heart. This is her life, her fresh start."
Derek nodded. He needed to talk to Addison. He needed to make things right, prove to her that he wasn't going to leave her, not again. He had a plan. He looked up at Naomi, giving her a small smile. "Thank you."
[Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new. And I could go on and on, on and on. Lantern burning, flickering in my mind for only you. But you're still gone, gone, gone. Been losing grip, on sinking ships, you showed up just in time.]
Derek stood in the door way of Addison's back door, taking a moment to drink in the scene in front of him, he couldn't help but smile to himself. Addison sat on the table, a mug of tea in one hand and the other rested on the swell of her belly where their daughter was growing. She had a blanket wrapped around her at she peacefully stared out at the waves. He'd never felt such strong emotions in his life. The love he had for her escalated so drastically, the pride he had the this was the woman he was carrying his child, the happiness he felt looking at her. To think he almost missed out on all this.
Derek walked up behind Addison, placing his hand on her back as he greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. "Hey."
"There you are! Where have you been all day? You took off after the ultrasound."
"Addie...I think we need to talk." He told her as he sat in the chair next to her.
"Oh god, you're leaving..."
"Wait, what?"
"You're leaving aren't you?! You're going back to Seattle, to Meredith. I knew this was all too good to be true. I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I knew it!" Addison said in a panic, tears forming her in eyes.
"Addie, I'm not going back to Seattle! I'm not going anywhere!" Derek told her, turning her chair so she was facing him. He then took her hands on his, letting her calm down before bringing up the discussion.
"Honey...what happened in New York?"
"Derek, what do you mean?"
"Before you slept with Mark, what happened?"
Addison shifted in her seat and pulled her hands away, getting uncomfortable by the question.
"Addie, please..."
"She told you, didn't she...Naomi had no right.."
"I wish you would have told me."
"I tried...and then...and then it wasn't worth it."
"Tell me now then." He smiled sweetly at her, but Addison wasn't having it. She shook her head, looking away from him as tears spilled from her eyes. "Its in the past."
Addison had never really talked about her miscarriage before. Mark and Naomi were the only ones who knew about it. Mark was there when it happened and she had told Naomi about it when she had expressed her concerns about her current pregnancy. But that was it. That last year in New York was so dark for her, she hated revisiting it. She especially hated talking to Derek about it, it was their down fall. She didn't want to upset him all over again, especially since they were in a good place right now.
"Addison, please. Let me carry this pain with you. "
She looked at Derek with such hurt in her eyes that his heart broke then and there. He hadn't heard what happened but he already hated himself for not being there for her. It was clear that what she went through really broke her.
"I was only eight weeks when I found out. I knew better then to get attached that early but I thought that the baby could bring us back together, I scheduled an appointment in two weeks, I wanted time to tell you first. I planned two dinners for us to tell you..."
"I missed those dinners...I sent Mark instead..." Derek said softly. His guilt grew as he remember back on that time. He remember Addison telling him about a nice dinner she had planned for them so they could talk. Both times he worked late and asked Mark to go so she wouldn't be alone. Instead he made her feel more alone, and made her deal with the loss of their baby by herself.
"I never made it to the appointment. I miscarried before then. After the second dinner actually. Mark was there, took me to the hospital. I asked him not to tell you. I...I didn't want you to have to deal with the pain. You never knew about the pregnancy so I didn't want you to find out by me losing it. I figured it would be better that way. Then...well, you know the rest."
"Then Mark..."
"That really was the first time. I lost the baby, I knew I was losing you. I just wanted the feel something other then heartache. So I slept with him, because I needed to numb it. I know its not an excuse, what I did was wrong but...that's it, that's the rest." Addison stared at their hands as she explained everything. The more details she gave the harder she would cling to his hands, he never let her go.
"That's what you meant by he was just there." Derek said, finally understanding now that he had all the pieces of that night, of the time in their lives.
"Yeah..."
"Oh Addie. I am so sorry." He guided her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He held her as she cried, repeating to her how sorry he was.
[This love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive back from the dead. These hands had to let it go free, this love came back to me. This love left a permanent mark, this love is glowing in the dark. These hands had to let it go free, this love came back to me.]
Derek laid soft kisses trailing along Addison's bare shoulder as he slowly moved inside her from behind. One hand gently held onto her hip and the other was linked with her hand. They loved sex, they were good at sex (except that one time) but there were a few occasions where their sex was just...more. This was one of those time.
Neither were a fan of the phrase 'making love', but both understood that sometimes that's what it was, that's what they did. And that is what they were doing now. But this time was different. This time their bodies connected through love, understanding, forgiveness, unity. As they made love their bodies said things that their words hadn't spoke yet. The love they made was making new promises between them.
Their breathing became heavier as they got closer, finishing together. Derek holds Addison in the afterglow, kissing her head. "I love you Addison, I am so in love with you."
Addison was tearing up at his words. She had wanted to hear those words from him for so long. She remembered to nights in trailer that she would silently cy because he wouldn't say that to her, and now she was silently crying because he was. Not only Derek saying that he loved her, but he was showing her too.
"I love you too Derek."
[Your kiss, my check, I watch you leave. Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees. When you're young you just run, but you come back to what you need.]
Addison woke up alone the next morning. Which she would have been mad about had she not smelled breakfast being cooked downstairs. Usually she didn't like breakfast but since entering her second trimester, she loved it. Well, the little shepherd she was currently growing loved it. She smiled to herself, wrapping her silk robe around herself body and heading downstairs to see her the handsome man making cooking.
"Mmm, good morning." Addison said softly as she hugged Derek from behind.
He immediately smiled, feeling Addison's baby bump press against his back as she put her arms around him. "Good morning." He turned to kiss her. "Why don't you sit down and rest, breakfast is almost ready."
"Derek, I just woke up, I don't need to rest. I'm pregnant, not dying."
"I know, but I also want to talk so just sit."
"Talk?"
"Addie, it's not bad, I promise. Just sit down? Please."
Addison gave him a skeptical look but finally just did as he asked. She said down at the kitchen table. "Okay, I'm sitting. What do you want to talk about?"
Derek couldn't help but chuckle at the annoyance in Addison's voice. He wasn't quite sure if that was from hormones or Addison just being Addison. He decided both was probably the correct answer. He walked over to give her a quick kiss and rub her baby bump, which immediately made very nerve and annoyance fade away.
Derek took a moment to gaze at her, taking her all her beauty and pregnancy glow. She was completely captivating to him.
"Naomi told me about your struggles earlier on in the pregnancy. The sickness and panic attacks and fainting."
"Is there anything she didn't tell you?!"
"Addie..."
"Sorry. Um, yeah. First trimesters can be rough but, but I had a good support system."
"I wish I could have helped."
"I'm okay now. Second trimester has been good to me. The hardest thing is just finding clothes I fit in and don't hate." Addison said with a smile and small chuckle.
Derek nods. "I just wish I could have been there for you. But I'm here now, I promise. I'm going to be here for everything. Every ultrasound, every doctors appointment, every back massage and foot massage that's needed, the birth. Everything."
"Derek, I appreciate that, and I would love that. But you have a job back in Seattle."
"Not anymore." Derek said with his charming smirk. He watched Addison's eyes grow wide as she looks at shocked and confused.
"What?!"
"After the ultrasound yesterday I e-mailed Richard and told him that I wouldn't be returning from LA...and then I talked to Charlotte King about getting hired at the hospital here."
"Wait wait wait.." Addison sat up, having a hard time wrapping her head around what Derek was telling her. "What about your trailer? And fishing? You love fishing, you love Seattle. The rain, Seattle Grace, the trailer.."
"I love you and I love our daughter."
Addison looked him in the eyes, tears of happiness quickly spilling from her eyes as she started to smile. "You're here, for good."
"I'm here, for good."
"Oh my god." Addison was overcome with emotion as she started to cry. Derek quickly pulled her into a hug and she held onto him. "I'm sorry, it happens. The hormones, I can't help it."
Derek chuckles and rubs her back as he hugs her. "You get one more minute of affection and then I've gotta return to breakfast."
"I'm okay, I'm okay. I promise. I'm just, happy. So incredibly happy. I don't know how to express how happy I am."
"You can start by feeding our baby the breakfast." He said teasingly.
Addison rolled her eyes. "Way to ruin the moment Derek. And your baby wouldn't let me skip breakfast."
"My baby?"
"When she's going out of her way to ruin my figure as much as she can then she's your baby."
"I like your figure. Alot. And I will be more then happy to show you just how much I like your figure."
Addison smiled at him before they kissed, and she continued to smile as they pulled away.
"You're here."
Derek smiled, running his fingers along her cheek. "I'm here."
[This love left a permanent mark, this love is glowing in the dark. These hands let it go free, this love came back to me. This love, this love, this love came back to me.]