CHAPTER TWO HUNDRED SIXTY THREE
Yuri hadn't even had a chance to take three steps towards the foot of the bed before he could feel the tears welling in his eyes, and his breath caught in his chest.
Viktor heard the first huffled gasp for air, and turned quietly to watch as the younger figure made a desperate bid to act natural and plug in his phone, which took a few attempts, before he came back around and sat down.
"...Y-You're...you're pulling me from...the Final, aren't you?" Yuri managed, his throat already clenched and painful as he looked down at his knees, barely managing to catch the edge of the matress as he lowered down, fingers clenching around the blanket next to his leg, "...Th-that's why...you haven't held my hand or h-hugged me since...we did my SP..." He reached up one hand to pull his glasses away and rub his eyes on the back of that wrist, "...Th-that's why...you've b-been so distant..."
The Russian's heart ached to see his partner in such a state already, but he drew a breath and tried to compose himself. He reached for the chair tucked into the desk and pulled it around, sitting in it sideways and resting one arm over the back of it as he crossed his knees, "I don't feel like you're listening to me."
"I went against you on the Lutz! Th-that was it!" Yuri insisted, "I know it w-was stupid, but it was the only thing! I did everything else you said!"
"...And yet, when you said you'd listen if I told you not to do quads for the SP tonight, I...don't believe you." Viktor admitted, as much as it pained him to say so, and as much as it pained Yuri to hear it, "I get where you're coming from, I really do...I went against Yakov a thousand times growing up...even back when I was still fresh off my very first injuries. When I had a concussion and a fractured eye socket, and I couldn't see out of my left eye for a few days, and I had all those bad bruises on my back from where I hit the shoe-rack...I still jumped. I get it. But this isn't like that anymore. Yuri..." He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, reaching for his partner's hands and pulling them a bit closer, "Neither of us is in this alone anymore. When we do stupid things...we're not just hurting ourselves. The fact that you can't remember anything about last night..." Even the Russian couldn't stop the tears from forming in his eyes at that point, "...It's like you really don't understand how serious that accident was... You're treating it like it's just a cut on your head. You're reacting to the gaps in your memory like...like it's no different than walking down a boring hallway..." He held those hands a bit tighter then, the tears falling from his eyes where he drooped his head down, "You're acting like the whole incident is just a bother to you...like the consequences are annoying and unjustified." He whipped his head up then, silver-grey bangs tousling as he moved, "And every time you brush it off, you're completely ignoring my feelings about it. You don't know how scared I was when I saw you getting wheeled by on that stretcher, not knowing what had happened. I saw that brace on your neck and I had worries that you'd been paralyzed. This isn't like that brief amnesia you had when you collapsed after your Free Skate at Worlds. This is a hundred times worse than that...and you're not getting it."
The cut on Yuri's head throbbed then, and it seeped down into the rest of him, pushing against the back of his right eye. He could feel himself starting to shake, but no words came.
"I spent five hours at your side when you were unconscious, most of it completely alone, not knowing when or if you'd ever wake up again. I could hear the doctors and staff talking about how weird it was that you were still out. Then when you finally did wake up, you acted so angry. Even in the moment, when you saw that I was upset, you hardly acknowledged me... And every minute since then, you've treated my pain like I'm overreacting."
Yuri lifted his head a bit, meeting his husband's one visible eye, but then looking away again for the shame of it.
"I'm not going to lie about how stressful that's been for me." Viktor went on, "When you did the Lutz during your SP...it wasn't just a refusal to follow instructions. It was a betrayal of your trust in me. I..." He felt his words catch in his throat for a moment, and had to pause just to breathe again, "...I was so shocked and horrified that you'd done the jump that I couldn't even think straight. I backed up into the rink wall and fell because I was so stunned. I was just about ready to pull you from the program then because I was so mad at you...but I stopped myself, and tried to just finish the thing with you as a coach, rather than letting my emotions get away from me as a husband."
"I didn-"
"Let me finish." Viktor said sharply, cutting Yuri off entirely.
The younger skater winced and fell silent, lowering his head even further as he clenched his eyes shut.
"I know I'll never be perfect as your coach. I'll never be able to come at you entirely objectively because I'm so emotionally invested in you. I'm...I'm doing the best that I can." The Russian tilted his face to rub his eye on one shoulder, "So when it gets to a point where I feel like you're picking and choosing what instructions you follow...it's not just a rebellion against me as your coach...it's a refusal to trust me as your husband, too...and that isn't okay...especially because you've been hurt." Viktor paused a moment to clear his throat and let his words sink in, carefully watching his partner to make sure Yuri was actually listening. He could see the shine on a few tears as they fell, and the small dark dots they made on the younger figure's practice pants when they landed on the fabric. It made his heart sting to know he was the reason those tears were even there, but he knew the words needed to be said, and soon started up again, "Maybe it's hard for you to understand the gravity of what's going on, or even how much this whole thing weighs on me, because you don't remember most of what happened. To you, it's just a big inconvenience, waking up in the middle of the night to find out that you've lost time...it's almost no worse than if you'd skipped practice entirely because you decided to go out drinking, and that you'd woken up with a headache and a hangover, no worse for wear. But by treating it that way, and by side-lining my worry as though it means less to you than the opinion of strangers...you make me wonder if letting you compete is really such a good idea."
The tears fell even more after that, as Yuri dreaded the news that he was expecting to hear at that point.
"When Chris took me off the ice, and I talked to him and Yakov...I told them that I understood that I should pull you from the event, because that's what a good coach would do. But as your spouse, I told them that I also knew I couldn't do that to you, because I knew it would crush you. I'd seen how upset you were about the prospect of having your fight to get to the Final be for nothing." Viktor explained, remembering the early-morning shock of hearing his partner cry out against the pain of his head-wraps, and lament that the struggle of winning Gold at his two events might've turned out to be for naught, "I've just...let this go on too long. I've let you tell the world that you want to keep trying, I've let you practice your Short Program, and I've evaluated how far you can go with jumps... To say now that you can't compete would seem vindictive, not responsible... So...I'm going to give my blessing to let you stay in this race."
Yuri's frame slouched with relief, but everything else about him was still rather tightly wound. He slid off the end of the bed and went down onto his knees, moving forward to wedge himself between his partner's legs and wrap his arms around the man's waist, holding tightly. He cried different tears then...the anxiety and worry changed to true despair then, and he buried his face against the Russian's shirt.
Viktor leaned forward, resting his elbows and forearms around the back of his husband's shoulders, and kissed the top of his head. He held there for a moment as he listened to the younger man cry, moving one hand up to weave his fingers through that black hair, and cupped his palm there against the back of Yuri's head, "...I just wish that you wouldn't sideline how I feel so much. I love you more than you could ever know...when you suffer, I suffer...there's nothing that I do that doesn't take you into consideration. But I sometimes feel like you don't do that for me...and that hurts." He explained, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the man's shoulder, "I don't even know if you're aware of it when you do it. Sometimes it's just the way you try to please everyone...you're willing to sacrifice my happiness so you can make someone else slightly happier than they would be otherwise...it's like you're taking advantage of the fact that you know I'll always have your back, no matter what. Other times, it's by refusing to take my feelings seriously...doing the quad Lutz, asking Uncle Mimi to bring out my father right before the NHK Exhibition, suggesting I be Yurio's coach even though you know our relationship is strained these days... I'll grant you that there are occasions where it works out for the better...if not for what you did and said at NHK, I may never have gotten the resolution I needed with my past. Other times though, it makes things worse. I know you don't mean it, but there are times that I wonder if you have my back as much as I have yours."
Yuri squeezed his arms a little tighter and pressed his face a little closer. His whole frame trembled, but he was at a loss for words.
"Maybe it's a flaw on my part." Viktor wondered, "You and I have such drastically different histories... You come from a much healthier place than I do, and I've struggled just to be open and honest about what I think and how I feel. But...there's just...so much happening now..." Tears rolled down his cheeks again, and he could feel them falling from his chin, landing in his partner's hair just a few inches below, "I'm at a breaking point, and all I want is to go home and cry. I want to vanish and let everyone else sort things out, so I can just come back when it's all fixed and I can go back to my life without so many problems. Uncle Mimi is moving so fast with Minako, and now there's that whole unavoidable situation with his kids... He's basically doing everything that I warned him last year not to do... It's like, I started to trust him, and he's just gone crazy taking advantage of it, like the warnings I gave him about encroaching on my life aren't valid anymore. He's gone behind my back and told my father all about my life, and strong-armed me into agreeing to let him come to NHK...he's woven himself into Minako's life so much that I just have to accept everything he's doing now...and worst of all, he did end up deciding to move everyone to Hasetsu without ever asking me what I thought. It's not even that I really mind him doing it...it's just the principle of the thing... What I have in Hasetsu with you...that's supposed to be our place. But now literally everyone is trying to come there. Even this stupid situation with Yurio..."
"...This is all my fault..." Yuri started, "...If I had never suggested asking Mikhail to sponsor him...then none of the problems with either of them would have ever happened..."
Viktor just slid both hands down his partner's back, "...It's not your fault. You didn't go behind my back with anything and set that whole thing up without me. I agreed to it, too." He nosed the man's ear lightly, "We both jumped the gun on that whole thing. Maybe we should've let Yurio stew in the consequences for a little while longer. We helped him out so fast that he barely suffered 15 minutes of having lost absolutely everything...and now he's gone so far back to his old habits that he's taking his frustrations out on you again, like he's entirely forgotten who it was who really did the most to save him. It might've been Uncle Mimi's money that solved all of Yurio's problems, but if it hadn't been for you...none of that would have ever been made available... Now look at everything. He's screaming at you, blaming you, holding grudges against you, giving you the cold shoulder...and all for what? Because you had the audacity to suggest maintaining the status quo?"
"...I told him once that I thought he was at his best when he didn't have either of us interfering with him. I thought that him staying on with Yakov in St. Petersburg would be for the best. His life wouldn't be uprooted, and he could keep on getting better in a familiar place. Maybe I just underestimated how much it meant to him to get to live with Mikhail and Minako-sensei..." Yuri lifted his head and rubbed his eyes on the side of his arm, then moved to look up at his partner's pained expression, "I mean, I knew it was a long-shot to ask you to be Yurio's coach... That's why I asked you in private, because the last thing I wanted was to suggest it to him, and then find out you weren't interested. I can't make you do something you don't want to, no matter what the reasons."
The Russian closed his eyes and leaned his head down, resting his forehead lightly against his husband's.
"I'm so sorry that I haven't been there for you." Yuri went on, "I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten... I've been so preoccupied with trying to make everyone happy...I didn't even notice that I was making you unhappy in the process... I've even gone out of my way to ask you to give me more, even though I haven't done the same in return." He snuffled and turned to rub his nose on his sleeve, turning back to replace himself where he'd been before, feeling that soft silver hair brushing against his skin, "...I...I took advantage of your loyalty and dragged you down when I should've helped lift you up. I did everything to you that I always worried I would...and I didn't even see it happening."
Cool blue eyes opened a little, looking down on the anxious figure sitting on the floor between his knees. He slid his arms back up and lifted his head, making the subtle suggestion that Yuri stand up, and then gently nudged him back towards the bed when he rose. He quietly kicked his shoes off as he followed his husband up to the pillow-pile, sat back against it, and opened his arms to let Yuri fall in against his chest, wrapping them around the younger skater's small frame when he did so.
"I don't even know what to do to make this all better..." Yuri went on, feeling one leg rise up slightly to bend at the knee and rest against him, "I have such a flawed perspective of everything..."
"You're doing the best you can. That's all any of us are doing." Viktor explained, gently rubbing one cheek against the side of his partner's head, "So much of it is out of our control at this point anyway. Even I'm only reacting to things now. I've just...gotten so exhausted from it all. Mentally, physically, spiritually... I'm just so tired..."
"I've done a lousy job helping you manage." The younger figure said quietly, "I'm not even sure where or when I started to go wrong. Looking back on it...I always felt like we had such a strong, united front...approaching everything together... Maybe I was looking at it the wrong way."
"I don't think so." The Russian leaned back a little, feeling as Yuri twisted against him to rest a shoulder against his chest to look at him more evenly, "Maybe we both just need to take a step back. There's nothing we can do about most of what's going on anyway. All we can do is worry about what we can control, and make the best of the cards we've been dealt." He moved his left arm forward and reached for his husband's right hand, lifting it to kiss the ring on the finger there, "Yakov advised that we focus on the competition. I don't think that's such a bad idea. It's already enough to deal with as it is."
"Yeah..." Yuri agreed, moving his hand forward as the Russian's lips came away from the gold band, and gently stroked the back of his fingers against his husband's skin, uncurling them to cup his palm over the man's cheek and ear, just under those silver bangs, "I don't want you to think you can't trust me. I don't...even know what I was thinking, promising you that I wouldn't jump and then doing the Lutz anyway... It was horrible of me and I'm really sorry."
Viktor just looked on, savoring the feeling of his partner's touch as he listened.
"If you tell me not to do any jumps going forward...then I won't. Specifically because I don't remember anything that happened, I really should trust you more to make the best decision. You've been watching out for me all this time...I have no reason to doubt you, or think I know better. I didn't spend half my life trying to be like you just so I could think I'm better."
"We're partners in this." The Russian said quietly, rubbing his right thumb over his partner's hip where that hand had come to rest after the man turned, "Even though I wish I didn't have to explain my decisions all the time...I should've taken into account that you were having trouble with your memory, and done a better job rationalizing why I was telling you not to jump. It must've just seemed so arbitrary to you...like I was being overbearing or something."
"I shouldn't question you so much anyway. I...think I just got too comfortable with knowing I beat you one time. Maybe I got too arrogant..." Yuri offered, his hand sliding down a little, fingers brushing against the Russian's pale neck, settling on the edge of it and the shoulder below it, "You're completely right in thinking I need to trust you more. I was starting to act like I was good enough to be my own coach. Maybe some horrible part of me even had the audacity to think you were holding me back unfairly... I don't know... I know you would never do that."
"You wouldn't be human if you didn't second guess things sometimes, even if only unconsciously. You can't read my mind anymore than I can read yours." The Russian said, leaning his face slightly forward to Eskimo-kiss the man, nuzzling nose-tips lightly before pulling back again to look into those anxious hazel eyes, "But I love you more than anything. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you."
A few tears rolled down Yuri's face again just then, but this time, it was for happiness instead of despair. He rubbed his thumb lightly against the man's skin again and smiled, "I love you too, Viktor. I should do a better job showing it sometimes..."
"...Well..." The Russian felt a flutter in his chest, especially as the younger figure leaned forward to kiss him. It was like the first time all over again, and he felt a tingle rush all the way through him, from the tips of his toes to the ends of every strand of silver-grey hair sprouting from his head. His free hand pressed against the man's chest, and he half-opened those pale blue eyes when Yuri pulled back again to draw a breath, "...It's barely 3pm. We still have a few hours to relax before we have to go."
"I think I know just the thing to do with that time, then."
"Oh?"
"Mhm." Yuri leaned forward again, and started that kiss anew.