When the statistics are stacked against you, go for the Hail Mary...
December 21st 1943
"There is no way this is going to work, it's ridiculous!" Hogan was pacing his room, talking more to himself then to his men at this point. "Who does London think they are? No, no, who does London think we are? Santa?!"
"Well it is almost Christmas Sir," Newkirk wittily smirked even though he was just as shocked as his commanding officer.
Hogan turned to look at the Brit with an "are you kidding me right now" gleam in his eyes. Then the light in the American Colonel's eyes changed and a smirk graced his face. "You're a genius Newkirk!"
"Me Sir? What did I say?" Newkirk was now even more shocked. That look always meant Colonel Hogan had a plan.
"It's almost Christmas!" Hogan smiled and walked out of his own room not giving his flabbergasted crew a second look. The next thing any of the chosen 4 knew Hogan poked his head back in and was saying: "What are you waiting for? We've got work to do!"
--hh--
Almost 2 hours later Hogan was in the outside office teasing Hilda as was his custom while he waited to talk to Colonel Klink.
"You know, you really should wear your hair like that more often," The American teasingly tugged at the Secretary's blond braid, as he brushed her cheek with a teasing peck.
Hilda would never admit it, but the eccentric American made her knees weak. "Colonel Hogan!" She huffed feigning exasperation.
"And is that 'twilight mist'? You know that's my favorite,"
"Mhm," Hilda was getting slightly lost in a haze of Hogan, how could a prisoner who smelt like bad army cologne hiding the fact he'd probably not showered in a week be so intoxicating?
"Hogan! Stop fraternizing with my secretary!" Klink stomped with his signature elaborate huff tucking his security riding crop underneath his armpit.
"Oh, she's your secretary?" Hogan smirked turning to face the German.
"Hogan!" Klink's voice raised in annoyance. This American was impossible!
Internally Hogan still, after almost 2 years, was still slightly shocked how easy it was to mess with the other Colonel.
"What do you want this time Hogan?" Klink asked as he sat down behind his desk feeling slightly more in control doing so.
"Request permission to sing Christmas Carols in Hamburg Sir,"
"HAMBURG?!" Klink couldn't believe his ears!
"Yes, I mean, it is Christmas Sir, and my men need a break, it's been a busy year." Hogan effortlessly put on his school choir boy innocent face.
Klink's laughter was truly reminiscent of a hyena. His laughter morphed into a serious look. "Are you out of your mind? I'm the one who needs a break! You're prisoners, what do you even do?!"
Hogan imitating an exuberant child allowed his face to light up. "That's a great idea sir, you can come too and show off your amazing violin talent!" Hopefully Klink would take the bait. Hogan was 99.9% sure he would, but this was one heck of a Hail Mary!
--hh--
"I still can't believe you talked old Iron Eagle into this!" Kinch laughed eyes twinkling as he helped Carter pack up the explosives they needed into present shaped boxes that would be wrapped later.
"I think me ears are going to bloody fall off me head once the old codger starts on that torture instrument is what I think!" Newkirk whispered to Carter and Carter in return snickered.
"Hey, whatever it takes to get us into that munitions factory," Kinch defended his CO.
Filled with true childlike holiday cheer Carter exclaimed: "Just think, they won't be able to tell whether it's Christmas or New Years!"
Everyone had to laugh at that.
"Don't you think old Hochstetter will suspect it's us?" Kinch's brows burrowed deeply.
"Even if he does, it's not his jurisdiction and Gestapo are very territorial," Hogan shrugged. Sure it was definitely a concern, but one mountain at a time was good enough for Hogan at the moment.
"And boy! With the timers on these things, we'll be back in camp before anything happens!" Carter had his usual maniacal grin on his face.
"As long as you make sure to set them right this time," Newkirk rolled His eyes.
"Hey!" Carter exclaimed looking up in annoyance.
"Boys, boys, we're fighting the Germans not each-other," Hogan placed a hand on each of the two men's shoulders.
"Right, sorry Colonel," Carter looked like a puppy that had just been chastised, tail between his legs and everything.
Hogan sighed, poor kid had too many bad experiences with authority, every time he thought he was getting somewhere with the young explosives expert he was thrown back 5 steps. This kid had too many walls up.
"Ok, so, I say we sing at least one song in French and change the lyrics so it's insulting the dirty pigs!" LeBeau said rubbing his gloved hands together trying to break the now tangible tension.
"I like that idea," Kinch added, "we should do it to Oh Christmas Tree, sing it first in German, then English, next our modified French version, and then one last time in German!"
"What if someone understands French?" Carter asked softly.
"If they do, so what?!" LeBeau smirked.
"We could get bleedin' killed is what!" Newkirk huffed.
"I doubt anyone would be more fluent then asking basic questions and food or trying to hook up type things," Kinch defended the idea.
"Alright, go for it you two, but if someone looks like they understand, we switch to the actual lyrics ok?" Hogan compromised.
"You got it Colonel!" Kinch grinned. This was going to be fun!
--hh--
The Morning of December 23rd 1943
"Gentlemen, I don't know what I'm more proud of, how authentic these presents look, how light you got your explosives to be, or how great you look in those hats!" Hogan's eyes were glistening with life and excitement.
The crowning moment had arrived, Klink had found a way...well Hogan had guided the German to find a way to get a group of 20 prisoners to sing Christmas carols at the factory they needed to blow up in Hamburg which was going to be at least a seven to eight hour truck ride. Too bad the plan couldn't have involved a plane.
"I feel bleedin' ridiculous in this hat!" Newkirk complained looking in the tiny and poor excuse for a mirror on the Barrack wall.
"Oh, get over yourself Newkirk," Kinch rolled his eyes.
"Schultz is coming!" The Private looking out the door announced practically flying away from said slab of wood that let in more cold air than it kept out.
When said bowl of jelly waltzed in, it took all Hogan's crew's strength to not laugh hysterically. He looked like Santa incarnate.
"Schultzie! You look like the old man himself!" Kinch managed to say holding back tears of laughter.
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!" Schultz seemed very proud of himself and the costume.
"Merry Christmas Schultzie!" LeBeau was the second one to recover.
"We'd better get loading these presents in the truck!" Hogan announced trying to keep things on track, Carter's timers were already ticking and it wasn't that he didn't trust the kid, but these were explosives they were talking about and they had never tested out timers beyond 8 hours yet and they had these set for 24 hours, so they were treading on new, uncharted, thin, and dangerous ice.
"What? What? What?" Schultz clucked "no one said anything about presents," his voice performing it's usual fluctuations of nervousness. "Colonel Hogan please, no monkey business! It would be worth my life!"
"I promise, no monkey business Schultz, only elf business," Hogan said in a reassuring voice.
"Colonel Hogan!" The large guard pleaded with the American.
"It's only a few toys for the workers' children that the boys in the Wood Shop have been working on. And a few explosives, nothing major." Hogan smirked.
Schultz's eyes grew wide. "I see nothing! I hear nothing!" He emphasized each word very strongly as he hurried back outside as fast as his weight allowed, obviously forgetting his rifle that he still had been carrying despite his Santa suit.
--hh--
Once at the factory, after a very bumpy and very long truck ride, everything started very smoothly and that made Hogan nervous.
As two of the 20 men with them snuck off to hide the few "presents" containing explosives Hogan was very distracted trying to gauge if any of their audience noticed the missing prisoners and one observant worker seemed to notice that something was off which made the American's heart beat faster. But the man didn't move or say anything, so Hogan tried to not panic too much. Yet.
Luckily Hogan had convinced Klink not to break out his violin until the last song, because otherwise they would have been chased out already. The second to last song was their planned insult carol and that's when things started getting a little sticky.
The two men who'd planted the explosives made their way back to the group and Hogan sighed a breath of relief. But an unsettled feeling was in his gut, this was going too smoothly and they had Klink and Schultz with them. Anything could still go wrong. Not to mention, he had WAY too many guys outside the wire on this one and most of them were on their first mission.
They beautifully harmonized the German classic O Tannenbaum in German and English, but even an idiot would know something was off with the French lyrics. Several of the prisoners more familiar with French who when seeing the lyrics for the first time were trying and failing to keep a poker face.
Hogan sincerely wished he would have looked at the lyrics before hand, because instead of changing a few lyrics to be insulting, what the rough translation came to be was:
My beautiful pigs
Kings of dirt
How I hate your evilness
When Heaven comes
fire and pain
Are my wish
for you filth
my beautiful pigs
Kings of dirt
I wish you pain
A few of the audience members seemed to recognize the French word for pig because they started to whisper in annoyance.
If he could have, Hogan would have buried his face in his hands. Why? There are so many creative insults in French, why pick one that had to be quite familiar at this point?
Having heard LeBeau's insults plenty of times Klink for sure realized what was going on and looked like a boiling kettle. No, this was not good. They should have played it safe! They were dead, so dead now! Hogan hadn't even been able to signal his men to cut it out because it had even caught him by surprise.
Thankfully, they transitioned back into the proper German verse and no one had called the Gestapo. Yet.
Even more fortunately, once Klink broke out his violin, they were politely asked to leave and the French insults seemed insignificant to their hosts as they nursed their eardrums.
--hh--
The Morning of December 24th 1943
Less fortunately, Klink had far from forgotten the incident and Hogan hadn't either, so Kinch and LeBeau got an earful from Hogan and the American Colonel got more than an earful from Klink.
"Aww, come on Commandant! It was just a harmless joke and it's Christmas Eve!" Hogan tried to worm his way out of 30 days in The Cooler. The punishment felt like bad parenting in Hogan's book, he'd prefer something quick not something that dragged on so long.
"Colonel Hogan! Your men insulted hard working German citizens!" Klink was beyond his limit with the sly American as he slammed his hand down on his desk.
"They were just having fun, come on, not even everyone understood, what'd you say, maybe take back our new Jimmy Dorsey record, the men were really looking forward to listening to it at our Christmas party tomorrow," Besides, Hogan had already made that call with his men much to their annoyance.
"Just having fun? I let you have your Christmas outing and that's how you repay me? With fun?" He snorted and emphasized the word fun. "No Jimmy Dorsey record and 15 days in The Cooler."
"How about reduced water for me for 15 days instead of The Cooler?"
"You're already on reduced water for the firecrackers incident,"
"That ended yesterday,"
Klink huffed. He hated to admit it, but even he suffered when Hogan was in The Cooler. "Fine, but 30 days reduced water AND no electricity after 1900 in your barrack,"
"What? That's cruel and unusual punishment Commandant!"
"Protest all you like, that's my final offer,"
Hogan begrudgingly agreed to the punishment, it was better than isolation anyway.
Once he got back to Barrack 2, he realized his men were waiting for him.
"We just wanted to say sorry Colonel, we weren't thinking. We coulda blown the whole mission." Kinch was the first to break the silence.
"Well you didn't." Hogan had already lost most of his steam. "Sure you could have been more creative, but you're saboteurs not composers and you're not even really saboteurs, you're a chef and a radioman caught up in being saboteurs."
LeBeau felt like he was most responsible and needed to say his part. "Colonel, I got carried away, and it just, I know I could have done better."
"Let's not let this ruin our Christmas ok? I've already lectured you and we learned a valuable lesson, so let's move on and get some shut-eye, I know none of you slept well in the truck."
Gratefully the men followed the Colonel's advice and slept until lunch.
--hh--
December 25th 1943
"Well the good news is it worked," Kinch smiled sitting down at the table having just returned from the tunnel, "your timers worked to the minute Carter from what local resistance reported,"
"Congratulations Carter! You didn't mess something up this time!" Newkirk patted the American in question on the back.
Carter snored "Gee thanks Newkirk,"
"And the bad news?" Hogan raised an eyebrow.
"Our lyrics are in circulation," Kinch frowned.
"What?!" LeBeau almost dropped the coffee pot.
"The worker who knew something was up, well turns out he's resistance and so he's spreading it around and even London's heard of it,"
"How'd it get around so fast?" Newkirk looked flabbergasted.
"Why would he spread something that was insulting his own country?" Carter looked thoroughly confused.
"He hates the Nazis just as much as the next sane person Carter, sometimes it may seem like it, but the whole country isn't bad," Kinch responded softly ignoring Newkirk's comment completely.
"I guess," Carter sighed. "So does that make you guys famous?" His boyish enthusiasm peaked out.
"I guess it does," Hogan rolled his eyes, "but don't let that get into your heads because we are never going Christmas caroling in Hamburg ever again! Who's dumb idea was this anyway?"
"That would be yours Sir," Newkirk cheeked.
"Well remind me next time to think things through better," Hogan huffed faking annoyance.
"Would never dream of it!" Newkirk chuckled sending the entire group into laughter and they enjoyed the rest of their Christmas even despite not having Jimmy Dorsey to listen to.
--hh--
Author's Note: I hope everyone is holding up well with all this Covid-19 flying around! I sure missed writing (especially for Hogan's Heroes!) and I hope you've enjoyed the first thing I've written for fun in over a year as much as I enjoyed writing it! I regret nothing, but the convent wasn't for me and so I'm hoping to have much more time for writing now! I've always struggled writing Colonel Hogan and maybe it's just more life experience, but I actually felt pretty comfortable inside his skin writing this! Merry Christmas everyone!