Worth Holding Onto
Nick honestly did not know what to do once he found the letter. He knew when he found it he shouldn't have opened it. It wasn't addressed to him. It was addressed to his brother. It had come too late, though, and hadn't been opened, and Nick didn't know what to do with it other than open it and see what it said. So he opened it.
"Who's it from?" the voice said over his shoulder.
Engrossed in the letter, Nick hadn't heard anyone come up behind him, but there he was. The brother the letter was addressed to. The deep baritone belonged to his older brother. "I'm sorry. I guess you ought to read it."
Jarrod looked over Nick's shoulder. He seemed unconcerned that Nick had opened it. He just read it and said, "Hm, that's nice."
"I shouldn't have read it, I'm sorry," Nick said.
Jarrod asked, "When did it come?"
"I picked it up today, but she sent it a week ago," Nick said.
"It's pretty pointless now though, isn't it?"
"What should we do with it?" Nick asked.
"Answer it, I guess," Jarrod said, and he walked away and sat down in his thinking chair.
Nick watched him. "It's private. I shouldn't have read it."
Jarrod shrugged. "It doesn't matter anymore. Don't give yourself such a hard time over it."
Nick came to the settee and sat down. Jarrod was not looking at the fireplace, but was looking at him, with a soft smile. "Were you expecting her to write?" Nick asked.
"I thought she might," Jarrod said. "I wrote to her a few weeks ago. Hornswoggled Audra into mailing it for me without telling you."
"To tell her what was going on?"
"To apologize for a few things," Jarrod said. "To explain a few things. To say some things I should have said when she was here."
"I don't think you owed her anything, Jarrod."
Jarrod smiled a little more. "How could you know what I owed her? I never explained a thing about her to you. Remember? I told you it wasn't any of your business."
"Yeah, I remember," Nick said, leaning back. "And you never said another word about her, not even after you snuck into town to see her off."
"It still wasn't any of your business, Nick."
Nick looked up at those blue eyes. "It is now."
Jarrod shook his head. "No. We don't ever need to say another word about her, you and me. It doesn't matter anymore."
"It matters to me," Nick said, and his voice closed on the words.
Jarrod looked at him, still smiling a little, trying to be gentle as he said, "No. Just answer the letter, and then let it go. Let all of it go."
"I'm having a hard time with that," Nick said, his voice still closing.
Jarrod said, "I know you are. But of all the things to hold onto – " He shook his head. "This isn't one of them. Hold onto things worth holding onto."
Nick was overcome now. He looked at his older brother, shaking his head, shaking all over. "Of all the things you should have told us – why didn't you tell us what was going on with you until it was too late?"
"Too late for what? To make you as miserable as I was? I had a lot of pain, Nick. Why would I do that to you?"
"Because you needed to. Because we needed you to. You were always just shutting us out on things you shouldn't have kept secret."
"It was my nature, Nick," Jarrod said. "You become a lawyer, you keep secrets. You can't help yourself."
"You were that way long before you became a lawyer."
"And how does it matter now? What does hanging onto my secretive nature do for either one of us now?"
Nick finally flared up. "Because I hate it! Because you had no right to keep most of the secrets you kept! Because some of them hurt us, and this one was the worst!"
"I know," Jarrod said, "and I'm sorry. But that's all I can say now, and you can't hang onto being mad at me about who I was. How does that help you now? Does it make you feel any better?"
The flare-up ended in tears. Nick said, "No, nothing makes me feel any better now."
"Give it time," Jarrod said. "I've apologized. It's all I can do. In time, you'll forgive me for everything I ever did that hurt you, because you know I love you. I loved you the day you were born, and I still love you now."
Nick felt everything washing out of him now. He almost crushed the letter in his hand. "Then why did you leave without telling us you were going? Why didn't you tell us you were that sick?"
Jarrod shook his head. "I told you. I didn't want you to have to be as miserable as I was."
"You could have - !"
"No, I couldn't have. The pain was really bad and I couldn't make you feel it too."
"I feel it now!"
"I'm sorry. But even if I had told you what the doctor said when he first told me about it, you wouldn't feel any better now." He pointed to the letter in Nick's hand. "Write back to her. Tell her what happened. Tell her I appreciated what she's written there and tell her you appreciate it too, because I know you do. It was kind of her to say those things. They'll help you."
"Nick?"
Nick looked up. His mother, brother and sister were coming into the room. He wasn't even aware they hadn't gone up to bed. Nick wiped his face and stood up. "I didn't know you were still up," he said.
Victoria came to his side, saw what he was holding. "That's Julia Saxon's letter, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Nick said. "I was just thinking about what to write back to her."
"What does she say?" Audra asked.
Nick heaved a sigh and read. "Dear Jarrod. I'm broken-hearted as I read your letter. I realized when I was in Stockton that you could not open up to me or let me in, and while I am grateful you finally have, I am sorry the reason is because you are ill. You have always had my love, and you will have it forever. I hope it gives you some comfort, and maybe, somehow, some comfort to your family. You will always be in my prayers. Love, Julia."
"That was very kind of her to send that," Victoria said.
Nick saw tears coming to his mother's eyes. He put his arm around her. "If it's all right, I'll write back for us and tell her Jarrod appreciates what she said. I was just talking to him. I know he does."
Victoria gave him a squeeze.
"You should tell her we all appreciate it," Audra said.
Heath said, "I'm going into town tomorrow for supplies. I'll take it in for you."
Nick nodded.
Heath and Audra put arms around each other and headed off to bed, but Victoria stayed with Nick for a bit. "What else did Jarrod have to say?" she asked.
She said it in such a matter of fact way that Nick had to smile a little. "Just some big brotherly things – that he was sorry he didn't tell us what was going on sooner but he didn't want us to be miserable. That I should give it time. That I should hold onto the things worth holding onto and let go of the things that don't matter anymore."
"Funny," Victoria said. "That's what I was going to say to you when I heard you talking to him."
"I guess I better pay good attention to that advice, then."
Her voice closed but she managed to say, "He loved you as much as I do."
"I know," Nick said. "He told me so."
Victoria gave him a kiss on the cheek. "That's one of the things worth holding onto."
Nick looked at the letter in his hand. "I'll think on this a little tonight. I want to write a good letter back."
"Then I think it's time for bed," Victoria said.
They turned together, and as they headed for the stairs, Nick said, over his shoulder. "Good night, Jarrod!"
Victoria smiled.
From his spot in his thinking chair, Jarrod said, "Good night, Nick."
The End