"What would Dad say, his only son, in prison at fourteen?" Steven mused. He shook his head with a bitter laugh. It's not like he hadn't been imprisoned before. In fact, he'd only just exchanged one prison for another, less colorful one.
Time had passed since Blue had left him in the tower. How much he couldn't say, but enough for him to gather his rebellious emotions and shove them back into the pit in his chest, dry his tears, and lapse into an exhausted stupor, only barely registering the gray walls and smooth track of light as it moved across the floor, courtesy of the high, tiny slit of a window.
He should have been planning an escape, a talk, anything, but he was tired. So, so tired. His thoughts tumbled like lead weights, turning to sand as they slipped through his fingers. He didn't think he'd ever been so tired, not even when he stayed up for days, trying to catch a glimpse of Peridot's robonoids at the warp pad. And yet he couldn't sleep: he didn't need to. He needed to rest, to calm his anxious thoughts. But every time his eyes slipped closed, every time he tried to untangle the mess of his mind, his fears went haywire, clouding his thoughts with image after image that he so desperately wished he could forget, twisting his nerves into knots and leaving him worse off than before.
Steven sank onto his side, blearily following the light's progress across the unassuming floor, the only marker that time was, in fact, passing. How long had he been away from Earth now? Were the Gems still looking for him? Was anyone coming for him?
He turned to face the wall, putting the light behind him. It wasn't cold here, per se (nowhere on Homeworld was), but there was an emptiness that ached in his bones, drawing a thin stream from whatever willpower he had left. He was so tired. So, so tired.
Steven breathed, in and out, a useless gesture he no longer needed. Still, he focused on it, a steady metronome in a sea of terrors. He breathed, slow and even and deep, and eventually thoughts calmed, his eyes drifted shut. Eventually he fell asleep.
And then he dreamt.
Blue had him pinned with that look, the one that said they both knew he was in the wrong, and were just waiting for him to admit it. Blue's hands were laced in front of her, back tall, proud and perfect and sure of her rightness. Steven glowered. Well, she could just keep waiting for all he cared, because she was the one who broke her promise. She was the one who should apologize, not him. He clenched his fists, shoulders tightening with anger. He refused to give her the satisfaction of speaking first.
A minute passed, then another, and the tension grew stifling in the room. He knew he should just get it over with, he knew he would never win the argument sure to come (in fact, he'd already lost it earlier, when he'd also lost his temper and subsequently been locked away in this dark, gloomy chamber), but he couldn't bring himself to concede defeat. Blue had promised, she had lied to him, and she didn't even care! Anger mixed with something painful- betrayal- in his chest and tears welled in his eyes, though he refused to let them fall. He wouldn't give Blue the satisfaction of crying, not unless she made him. He crossed his arms over his chest, setting his chin in defiance. It's not my fault, he screamed, wordless.
Blue's eyes narrowed, but she remained unmoved. Another minute passed; Steven felt his resolve begin to crack. He wondered how long he'd be left in here- alone- again. (How long had it been? It felt like forever…) It was always longer when he acted like this, when he refused to apologize... So why was he even trying? Blue would never admit she was wrong; he was just making things worse for himself. A bubble of self-pity welled within him, setting his eyes stinging. He was always wrong, even- especially- when he wasn't. It wasn't fair. He just wanted them to listen to him, to treat him like the diamond he was.
Steven's eyes dropped to the floor, the will to continue his staring match rushing out of him like water. He released his arms back to his sides.
"I'm sorry," he said. The words tasted bitter on his tongue, overripe with defeat.
"You're sorry," Blue echoed, disappointment tangible. "You expect me to believe that, Pink?"
Steven bristled. Wasn't that what she wanted? An apology? "If you hadn't broken your promise, this never would've happened!" He regretted the words before they'd even left his mouth. They were loud, sharp things, emotional and uncontrolled; they only proved her right.
"That's your excuse?" The question hung for a moment, unanswered, before Blue continued, voice twice as harsh. "You always do this! You know exactly what is expected of you, and yet you deliberately choose to act out!" Blue levelled an angry stare at Steven, and a tear slipped down his cheek, unbidden. "All we ask- all White asks- is that you control yourself, act as a diamond should, and yet you can't even do that."
"I said I was sorry," Steven protested, trying to keep the pout from his voice. A diamond must never show weakness.
Blue remained unconvinced. "Sorry isn't good enough. You have to do better! You must set an example for your gems."
He scowled. "Just like you set an example for me?" He was pushing it, he knew, but he didn't care. All anyone ever did was lie to him! The least they could do was admit it.
Blue's expression hardened. "What I do is for your own good, Pink… but I don't expect you to understand that when you can't even enter a room without disrupting the proceedings." She shook her head, exasperated. "We ask so little of you, Pink, and yet still you refuse to do it. How can we trust you with more, when you've proven you can't even handle the little you've been given?"
Blue was right. Steven hung his head, ashamed; he didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't want anything else taken away from him. "I'm sorry," he said, regretful. "I'll do better." He always did this; he always ruined everything. He wished he knew how to stop, how to be better- be the diamond they wanted. A tear slipped down his chin, dropping to the floor, a dark stain against the monotonous gray. He leveled his gaze at his feet, the fluffy white orbs hovering above his shoes- wait. Those… weren't his. He blinked, and the image of his- no, Pink Diamond's- feet swirled, faded.
Suddenly it was dark, the walls fading away into black nothingness. Eyes opened, hundreds of pupilless orbs glowing bright as spotlights, watching him. Judging him. Steven staggered back, turning around, but he was boxed in on all sides, blinded as the beams converged. He threw up his arms against the light, a futile, insignificant gesture; it tore through him regardless. The eyes ravaged him, omnipotent in their sight. His arms, dreadfully pink, an afterimage burned against his closed lids, were no longer his, but hers.
"No, please! Stop!" Steven begged, pleas unheeded. The light scalded, tearing away at his very soul, flaying the flesh from his bones. Tears rolled down his cheeks; the taste of metal lingered on his tongue.
A hand reached out from the darkness, hidden behind the light: white- blue- pink- yellow, dripping with dark blood, reaching closer and closer. He screamed, stumbling as he ran, legs caught in black sand, sinking- suffocating- He couldn't escape! He was going to-!
Steven woke with a gasp, wide-eyed and trembling. He twisted around, searching for his tormentors, but only finding empty planes of gray, the window, high above, letting in the barest light from the city beyond. A… dream? He shuddered, hunching in on himself. A nightmare.
It's not like Steven hadn't had nightmares before. They just usually weren't so… vivid. And that scenario with Blue… He gulped. He hadn't just seen Pink's memory, he'd felt her feelings, thought her thoughts. His hand traveled to his navel, the smooth facets of his gem. It was so… real. Just like that time on the jungle moon. The diamonds had locked Pink in this prison, too.
Steven didn't know what to think of his mom anymore. He'd grown up seeing her as the beloved, infallible leader of the Rebellion, savior of Earth, and then he learned she'd supposedly shattered Pink Diamond, making her a murderer… but no, apparently that wasn't bad enough, because she was Pink Diamond, the intergalactic dictator responsible for the invasion of Earth in the first place! But seeing these memories… she just seemed like some bratty kid, trailing after the other diamonds, shunted away whenever she became a nuisance. It was downright impossible to reconcile these conflicting images as one, cohesive whole - one person - let alone try to figure out what said person meant to him… Or what part of him might still be her.
Steven closed his eyes, a wave of lethargy washing over him. He groaned, trying and failing to find the willpower to move, to think. His nagging thoughts had subsided, but he felt like a deflated balloon, limp and boneless. Utterly powerless to fix what he'd broken. If possible, he was more tired than before he'd slept.
He rested his face in the cleft of his knees, hugging his legs close. Some unnamed emotion pressed against his skull, sending shivers down his spine. Longing, perhaps. He wanted to go home. A long, heavy sigh escaped his lips. He couldn't leave, not while the diamonds thought he was her. They would never let him go. He pressed his face more firmly into his knees, thoughts slipping away as an exhausted hopelessness overcame him. His head slid off his knees once, twice, and by the third time he hadn't the presence of mind to pick it back up, slowly collapsing to the floor, asleep once more.
The next time Steven woke, it was to a voice. It tugged him, reluctantly, from the dark throes of sleep, once more into the light. He shifted, a muffled protest escaping him. He was so comfortable… Five more minutes wouldn't hurt…
"Pink, please!" The voice cried, drenched in desperation. Steven snapped to attention, blinking rapidly as the world wobbled around him. Blue?
"Say something!" Blue (for it was Blue) pleaded.
Whas- huh?" Steven garbled, his mind reeling as the last dregs of slumber left him. He looked down, surprised to find himself seated on Blue's hand, her face peering down on him, terror in her eyes. His thoughts stuttered; he checked his emotions, confused to find the mind-altering, befuddling complacency that so often tainted his interactions with Blue was missing. He wasn't really calm, but he wasn't really afraid, either. It was… odd. He blinked again. He should probably say something…
"Oh, thank the stars! Pink, are you alright? Are you hurt?" Blue fussed over him, worried gaze roving his form, but seemed reluctant to touch him, her other hand remaining mercifully out of view.
Steven rubbed his eyes, unsurprised to find tears on his cheeks. He frowned at the gem matriarch, trying to piece together the reason for her concern. "I'm fine. I was just sleeping, Blue," he said, befuddled.
"Sleeping? What is 'sleeping'?" Blue questioned, still hovering like a mother hen. "You're sure you're not damaged… further?"
Oh, right. Sleeping was a human thing. He remembered Pearl's first dream projected onto the ceiling, the image of his dad's face surrounded by his mom's hair, a pizza emerging from his mouth in a parody of a tongue, "…thanks for fixing my van!" and hastily suppressed a laugh. This isn't funny, Steven, he reminded himself, shaking his head.
"Uh, it's something humans do," he stated, gauging Blue's response. It remained steady on confusion, so he elaborated, tentatively, "-You know, on Earth?"
Blue stilled, diamond pupils constricting in displeasure, and Steven braced himself for another tirade about how awful Earth was and how happy he should be to be on Homeworld. She sucked in a breath, opened her mouth, then closed it again, eyes misting, tension bleeding out of her. She blinked, long and slow, and then began to cry in earnest, great glimmering tears rolling down her cheeks, then Steven's too.
"I… I was so worried, Pink. You were so still; you couldn't even hear me… I thought-" she choked up, her free hand coming to cover her mouth, as if to hold her emotions back by force. Her next sentence was barely a whisper, "I thought I might've lost you again."
Steven couldn't bear to meet her gaze, feel the anguish in her eyes. "I… I'm sorry, Blue. I didn't mean to upset you," he said softly. He felt like he needed to offer an explanation, regardless of its connection to Earth activities, so he pressed on. "I was so tired… I didn't mean to fall asleep. It just kinda… happened." This much was the truth. He hadn't planned on sleeping again after the nightmare he'd had… He was just so tired.
Blue's hand left her mouth, almost reaching out to him, before she seemed to think better of the gesture and let it drop to her side. Steven realized her sleeve was still torn, skin scuffed in a way that denoted injury, and had to fight back a surge of guilt.
"Blue, your hand- I'm so sorry," Steven said. "I- can I-" He swallowed back his trepidation. "Can I heal you?"
Blue's brows furrowed, then raised in realization. "You… you can heal, can't you, Pink."
Steven nodded. He briefly wondered how the diamonds hadn't known about Pink's healing powers, before the answer presented itself, obvious. He couldn't imagine any of the diamonds doing something as… servile as healing. His mom had almost certainly started healing gems on Earth, outside of the other diamonds' influence.
Blue tentatively raised her hand once more, keeping its back to him (which left him immensely relieved, for some reason) as she brought it close to the hand Steven occupied.
Steven licked his palm (there was no way he was going to kiss her hand), reaching out, before he caught the look of disgust crossing Blue's face. He paused.
"Oh, um. It's always a little weird, doing this," he laughed, uncomfortably.
Blue pulled on a confused, forced smile, but nodded, and Steven took that as permission to continue. He tapped his palm to her finger, making sure to keep contact to the barest minimum, before sitting back to watch the magic happen (literally). Sure enough, the injury faded almost instantly.
Blue's eyes widened. She turned her hand over, inspecting her now perfectly-laid glove, smooth skin beneath it. "This is incredible, Pink," she spoke softly, awed.
Steven felt a surge of warmth within him. Blue Diamond, complimenting him? That was a first. He felt a hesitant smile creep over his face.
"It's the least I could do, after…" his smile faded slightly. "Uh. Sorry about that." Why, oh why, did he just have to bring up his outburst again? "Are… are the others okay?" He almost didn't want to know. He couldn't have hurt anyone else.
Confusion dominated Blue's expression once more. "…Others?"
"Turquoise? Blue Pearl? …the pebbles?"
Blue's lips formed a small 'oh,' of recognition, before a soft laugh left her. "You always did worry too much over your gems, Pink," she said fondly. She slowly, carefully, lifted her newly-healed hand to Steven's perch, running a finger over his hair, applying only the lightest pressure. Blue's words fell just as gently, strangely remaining untainted by her powers, "I promise you, everything is fine."
Steven's shoulders slumped in relief, though a twinge of some dark emotion stirred within him at the word 'promise,' a bitter aftertaste of the memory he'd relived in sleep. He vowed to take the diamonds' words with a grain of salt, and a fair bit of caution. And apologize to the others, to make sure they truly were okay. If he had hurt someone… He shuddered. Everything was fine. It must be.
"Let's… get you back to your chambers," Blue said, voice oddly uncertain, placating. Her eyes still hadn't left Steven once, as if he might disappear the second she looked away. To be fair, he would if he could.
Steven frowned. "Isn't it… all busted up, still?" He cringed; he'd brought attention once more to his mistake.
A flash of apprehension swept across Blue's face, quickly buried behind another soft smile. "The repairs are completed, Pink; don't worry yourself." At that the door to the cell opened and Blue strode out, carrying Steven into the brilliant light of the city beyond.
Steven shifted, worried despite Blue's proclamation. There was something the diamond wasn't telling him. The gray walls gave way to blue and Steven posed a question, trying very hard not to put emotion into the words. "How long was I… in there?"
Steven could feel the hand he rested upon tense, and he froze in turn. "Two cycles," Blue replied. Her tone gave Steven the sinking feeling it amounted to more than two Earth-days. She looked down at him, searchingly. "You don't remember?"
Steven gave a half-shrug, determinedly avoiding her gaze. "I was asleep most of the time."
Blue's steps paused, and she looked behind as if checking for something- or someone. She spoke, voice heavy with guilt, "I tried to talk to you after three-quarters of a cycle, but you didn't respond. I thought you were just ignoring me, but…" She paused, seeming genuinely worried. "I never should have left you alone, Pink… Not while you're damaged like this. Are you sure your affliction hasn't worsened?"
"I'm fine, Blue," Steven said. He mustered up a half-convincing smile, and Blue, despite clearly not buying it, continued down the hall.
It was a short, silent journey back to Pink's room, which Steven was amazed to find had been returned to its exact state prior to him utterly ruining it. Of course, the diamonds would only have the best architects at their disposal, and Blue certainly would pull out all stops for her precious Pink. Still, it didn't feel like he'd been locked away long enough for it to be restored so perfectly… Maybe Blue had a right to be worried about his sleep, after all.
Blue lowered her hand to the floor, reticent as Steven hopped off it eagerly. He turned around, taking in the room, deliberately refusing to linger on the open curtains of the balcony, the white monolith beyond, nor on Blue, watching him with an expectant stare.
"It's so… perfect," he commented absently. Even the delicate pink bubbles had returned to their exact places against the ceiling, shimmering in the light.
Blue sported a warm smile as he completed the turn. "Of course, Pink. You are a diamond; you deserve only the best."
Well, that wasn't exactly what he'd meant, but offering clarification would only cause problems so he refrained. His eyes widened as he spotted Blue Pearl standing behind her diamond, in her standard position beside the door. Thank the stars she was alright. Had she been there the whole time? Oh geez, she must hate him even more now. He looked away before his face betrayed his unrest. He'd have to apologize later, when Blue Diamond wasn't around.
"So, Pink," Blue began diplomatically, and Steven froze, knowing whatever came next would be bad, "are you ready to see Turquoise now?"
Yep. It was bad. "I- uhm," he stuttered, knowing that arguing would only enact a repeat performance from earlier, but still desperately scrabbling for an excuse. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he bleated, timidly.
Blue's displeasure was tangible. "You know this cannot continue, Pink." She stooped down, not even remotely on Steven's level, but giving it a good try, nonetheless. "You're damaged, and Turquoise can help you. There's nothing more to be said."
Steven lowered his eyes to the floor, resigned, but a gentle touch coaxed him to look back to Blue. Strangely, a wistful expression now curled at her lips, softened her gaze.
"Do you remember that time you ran off from your entourage on the Zoisite Colony?" Steven shook his head, and though Blue seemed momentarily disappointed, she continued, "You were so excited to see the newly-emerged gems you just couldn't wait for the escort, taking matters into your own hands. Of course, you didn't even find your way out of the base before the lava flows distracted you." Blue shook her head with an exasperated laugh. "When we found you I was ready to send you right back to Homeworld, appearances aside, but you remember what you said to me?" Steven shook his head once more; the interaction was hardly necessary, as caught up as Blue was in her story. "You stood so tall, pointed across the glowing lava fields and demanded, 'I want that!'" Blue chuckled. "As if you could bring the entire volcano home with you! And you were just so excited, how could I say no? Yellow thought the whole thing was a fine joke, right up until I sent the remodeling orders through." Another laugh. "I don't know if she's ever forgiven me for rerouting the four hundred-seventh thoroughfare away from her square. -You remember, the one celebrating her military prowess, with the obnoxious metal monument she adores." Blue smiled wryly. "She's always been so pedantic over right angles…" She exhaled a light sigh, suffused in gentle memories.
After a moment Blue returned to the present, appearing no less tender, but harboring a fair deal more pain as she looked at Steven. "I want to see you smile again, just like you did when I showed the finished volcanic chamber to you… and I know Yellow does too, even if she won't admit it." She reached out, not noticing (or perhaps ignoring) Steven's tension, and smoothed a finger over his hair. "Once you've been repaired we can put all this behind us, Pink. You want that, don't you?"
Steven had a feeling his version of 'putting everything behind them' was vastly different than Blue's, but he wasn't about to say as much.
Blue noticed his continued hesitation, but, surprisingly, offered a suggestion instead of an order, "How about this: Turquoise will tend to you, and after that I'll take you to some of your favorite places. I'm sure it'll spark your memory and we can have fun, play whatever silly game you want, just like we used to."
While Steven still had no desire to be prodded and tested by some Homeworld gem, he knew a losing battle when he saw one; he was going to be forced to do this anyway, so why shouldn't he get something interesting out of it? He couldn't deny that he was curious about the Homeworld that existed beyond the few rooms and halls he'd traveled, and after being imprisoned in an even gloomier place for who-knew-how-long, he was eager to get out. Even if it meant accompanying Blue.
"…Okay," Steven acquiesced. "But does it have to be now?"
Blue's words were longsuffering, "Yes, Pink. Now."
Steven sighed. "Okay," he relented.
Blue smiled. "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She turned to Blue Pearl and nodded. The other gem left the room with a curtsy. She didn't spare a single glance for Steven, and he swore he could feel his nonexistent heart drop.
Steven and his diamond jailer- caretaker- whatever were left alone once more, and while he was in no mood to talk, Blue was.
She looked Steven up and down and he had to try very hard not to shudder. "Everything will be just like it used to be, Pink, you'll see," she reassured, which was very un-reassuring. "Perhaps even White will come down to see us again." She laughed, an angelic sound, still gazing fondly at Steven. "You're still so silly, so small. So sure of yourself. I'm so glad to have you back, Pink."
"I'm… glad to be back," Steven replied, the words a bitter lie. Why was he lying? He should be telling her who he was, demanding- begging to go back to Earth! But he'd tried that, hadn't he? And everything had gone so horribly, horribly wrong. He was tired of trying.
Blue smiled brightly at his words, and Steven felt an uncomfortable mix of elation and dread pool in his stomach. Then the door opened, Steven watching as Blue Pearl and Turquoise reentered the room, this time to a hopefully-improved conclusion. To her credit, Turquoise didn't seem phased in the slightest by his presence, just as composed and regal as in her first appearance. Both gems saluted Blue, then Turquoise also saluted him. If he hadn't seen the flickers of genuine emotion cross her face previously, he might have even bought her deferential half-smile.
"Are you ready, Pink?" Blue asked, as if he had any other option.
Steven worried his lip. "I…" What could he even say? There was no getting out of this, and he'd caused more than enough trouble for everyone already. Still, he felt a taut ball of nerves growing within him, despite his efforts to suppress it. What if he blew up again? What if he really hurt someone this time? What if-
"Pink?"
He'd taken too long to respond. "I'm fine, Blue, I just-" He fisted his hands in his shirt, taking a deep breath and restoring a fraction of his composure. "Can I have a minute?"
Blue frowned, before her face smoothed into a surprising display of understanding. When she spoke, her words were coaxing. "Yellow and I don't think badly of you over what happened." What? "It's not your fault you were damaged, though I understand you might be reluctant to be seen so… vulnerable." She paused, and Steven tried to wrap his head around what she was trying to say. "This is only what is necessary to help you heal."
The frown returned as the silence stretched. "Do you not… want me here?" She seemed almost heartbroken. No, scratch that, definitely heartbroken: she was clearly about to cry, again.
Still not quite sure what Blue was getting at, Steven offered a tentative nod. Not being gawked at by a towering, emotionally unstable dictator was a definite plus, even if he was still going to be tortured.
A tear slipped from Blue's eye; she wiped it away. "I… understand, Pink. I'll return later when you're finished. We'll spend time together, just how you like it." She addressed Turquoise, "See to it that you do everything within your ability to aid Pink." Blue's commanding diamond aura had returned, a far cry from the tenderness she had shown Steven and a stark reminder what she was capable of. "I will accept no less than your best, Turquoise."
Turquoise bowed deeply, seeming pleased by the obvious threat: a response that horrified Steven to no end. "Your trust is not misplaced, My Diamond. Pink Diamond is in good hands."
Blue gave Turquoise one last appraising look, then nodded. Before she left, she bent down to reach out to Steven again, placing a finger beneath his chin and coaxing his eyes up to hers, glimmering with tears. She held his gaze for a moment, then said, intent, "You are perfect, Pink. We will restore you no matter the time or cost, I promise. You have nothing to fear."
"Okay," Steven reiterated, dull. He just wanted this to be over already; he already knew there was nothing they could do to help him.
Blue seemed like she wanted to say more but then her shoulders sagged in defeat. She rose and walked from the room, leaving one last forlorn glance tugging at Steven's heartstrings. He hated that it did.
A movement caught his eye and he saw Turquoise approach, hands drawn in a diamond salute. "My Diamond," she said, dutiful.
Oddly, Blue Pearl was still in the room as well, unobtrusively guarding the door. He didn't know if he felt more a prisoner now or in the gray cell he'd occupied before.
"Are you okay?" Steven asked the room at large, fiddling with his shirt.
"My… Diamond?" Turquoise questioned, closing the distance between them.
"I- when I broke the room…" Steven bit his lip, peering at the gem through his lashes. "Did I hurt you?"
Turquoise drew back, blinking in shock before visibly composing herself. "No, My Diamond. There is no need to concern yourself on my behalf," she dismissed.
"Oh, okay," Steven said, relieved.
There was an awkward pause, then Turquoise cleared her throat, clasping her hands. "Well, My Diamond, shall I begin? I assure you I am well-versed in repairing all forms of damage a gem may sustain."
Steven nodded, suppressing a shudder. "Okay."
Another pause ensued in which Turquoise shuffled, increasingly uncomfortable. Steven glanced about as he waited for her to do her thing: the balcony, the walls, the floor- anything but Turquoise's face. After several seconds he heard footsteps, looking back up to find Blue Pearl, of all people, coming to his rescue.
"You may proceed, Turquoise," she said quietly on approach, then focused her (presumed) stare on Steven.
Turquoise offered the pearl a disdainful look, then also looked pointedly at Steven, as if waiting for something. Oh.
"Yeah, uhm. Go ahead, or whatever." It wasn't eloquent, and more than a bit clumsy, but it got the job done.
Turquoise nodded thankfully. "Of course, My Diamond. May I see your gem?"
Steven hesitated, worrying his lip, before he steeled himself with a breath. He tugged his shirt up, revealing the mess of cracks surrounding his gem, unchanged from the last time they'd seen the light. Somehow, though, seeing them felt worse than before.
Turquoise froze, noticeably shocked. Whatever she was expecting it obviously wasn't this. Steven felt the intense desire to escape the situation, hide his glaring flaw, but forced himself to stand his ground, grimacing. He couldn't, however, stop the stinging of his eyes, betraying him with tears he fought to keep unshed.
Blue Pearl nodded at him and, when he looked her way, offered him a small, brief smile. She… didn't hate him? It wasn't much, but it was comfort enough for Steven to relax the white-knuckled grip he held on his shirt. He could do this.
Turquoise recovered more quickly than Steven expected, voice only wavering slightly. "My- My Diamond, may I ask how this occurred?"
It was Steven's turn to freeze. Perhaps Turquoise saw the panic in his eyes as she quickly added, "Anything you can tell me will be of great help; I'm afraid I wasn't provided many details as to your situation and the more information I have, the greater the likelihood I can repair the damage as quickly and efficiently as possible."
Blue Pearl gave another encouraging nod. Steven took another steadying breath. He could do this.
"I, uhm," Steven let his shirt drop, twisting his hands into knots as he forced himself to continue, "I… it was… It was an accident. Yellow didn't mean to- to kill me." His voice had grown impossibly small, so soft he wasn't sure Turquoise heard.
A small portion of alarm showed itself on Turquoise's face, clearly only the tip of the proverbial iceberg that hid beneath her professionalism. "I'm not sure I understand, My Diamond," she prompted.
Steven's breath hissed through his teeth. He swallowed, throat tight with emotion. "I-" He closed his eyes, pressing his fists into them to prevent tears from falling. "She thought I was Rose Quartz- which I was- well, not really- I, I really tried to tell her- I didn't-" Despite his best efforts he was still falling apart, his thoughts racing around in circles, filling the empty spaces of his lost humanity with sickly dread. He whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut as he grabbed at his hair.
After a moment of Steven struggling with himself, he felt a touch on his hand, gentle as a butterfly's wing but enough to send him jumping back. His eyes flew open, breaths short and labored as he took in Blue Pearl stood before him, hand still outstretched and a familiar pained frown plastered across her face.
Slowly she retracted her hand, watching his reaction intently, yet without the fear he knew must be there. Why would she touch him, after he'd done that in her presence? He could've hurt her!
"Are- are you okay?" Steven asked, shuddering.
Blue Pearl's lips parted, indignant in her confusion, but no words escaped her. Steven looked down at her hands, trying and failing to detect any sign of injury. He needed to get a grip; Blue was right, he was completely out of control.
"Would you like to sit down, Pink Diamond?" Blue Pearl asked delicately, still looking at him uncertainly, and it was then Steven realized she had stepped between him and Turquoise, blocking his view of the other gem.
Steven released a heavy breath, touched by her concern. "Yeah, yeah," he breathed, "I should sit down."
On cue, the pebbles raised a seat behind him which he took, gratefully. He was relieved to see that they were still here too, and hopefully as uninjured as Blue Pearl was. He would need to confirm that later.
Steven breathed in and out, the way Garnet had taught him and Connie; a day that seemed a lifetime ago, now. Blue Pearl lingered in front of him despite Turquoise's irritated huff, obviously worried. He was overreacting; she shouldn't have to trouble herself over him. Not when everything he'd done had caused nothing but problems for her.
"I'm okay," Steven stated, as much for himself as anyone else. "I'm okay."
Blue Pearl nodded, making to step back when Steven reached out, a sudden panic seizing him. He caught her wrist, immediately releasing it as he processed the motion, jerking his hand back. What was he thinking? "I- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
To his surprise, Blue Pearl moved forward instead of back, crouching down to Steven's level. It was enough of a shock to interrupt his ramble of apologies and excuses. She gave him a brief smile, drenched in tension. She leaned in, speaking in a whisper that kept the words between the two of them, "A diamond does not apologize to lesser gems, Pink Diamond. They are yours to command as you see fit."
Steven's face twisted. "I don't want that!" he hissed, keeping his voice just as quiet. If Blue Pearl didn't want Turquoise to hear them talk, he wouldn't do anything to betray that. "It's wrong! All gems- all life is equal-"
"Pink," Blue Pearl stressed, for the first time dropping half of his forced title. "You are a diamond. If you require something, you need only ask and it will be given you."
Steven's gaze flicked between Blue Pearl and the floor, wanting to protest, but realizing that she was trying to tell him something again- something important. "I… please don't leave me," Steven sniffled, the words tumbling from his mouth. He nearly regretted them until Blue Pearl nodded, approving.
"Of course, Pink Diamond. What would you like me to do?" She spoke louder, moving to include Turquoise in the conversation once again. Said gem was perusing a portable screen, scrolling through lines of gem glyph, but immediately closed it, storing it in her gem and giving Steven a wary glance as Blue Pearl stepped to the side.
Steven scooted over, patting the space beside him (which the pebbles quickly enlarged). "Sit with me?" he asked, and Blue Pearl complied, sending him an encouraging nod. Steven shifted closer, enough to feel the energy humming beneath the pearl's skin but not quite close enough to touch. Even the simple act of having a person next to him helped Steven's frayed nerves relax.
"Perhaps Pink Diamond would prefer to proceed with a cursory inspection," Blue Pearl offered, "and continue to discuss the nature of her injury later."
Turquoise scowled at Blue Pearl, opening her mouth as if to argue, but Steven interjected, "Yes, I would." He trusted that the pearl knew what she was doing, and, truthfully, he needed a break before returning to his memories of that night.
Turquoise swallowed back her annoyance, giving Steven a nod. "Yes, My Diamond. I will need full view of your gem to administer the exam, if you would." She leveled a hand, accentuating her statement.
Steven took one last steadying breath, then stripped off his shirt entirely. It disappeared with a soft pop the instant it slipped over his head, surprising him. What- was he just shirtless forever now? No, no, Garnet had taken off her visor before; he would just have to figure out how to resummon it, like she did. His clothes were like his shield now, right?
Turquoise moved with renewed confidence, snapping, "Raise the seat," to which the pebbles complied, sending Steven and Blue Pearl skyward. (Steven definitely didn't clutch the pearl's arm in surprise, despite what it may have looked like.) Turquoise directed the construction with a wave of her hand, then ended it with a dismissive gesture, nodding thoughtfully. Steven's gem sat only a few inches below her eye-level; she leaned in eagerly, though made no move to touch him, instead tucking her hair behind her ears, out of the way.
"Incredible," Turquoise murmured reverently, gazing deeply into Steven's gem. The sheer awe on her face made him wish he could disappear. "I heard the stories, but this luminosity. This perfection. Every facet's cut only accentuates your radiance, My Diamond."
Steven wished he'd kept his shirt on. "…Thanks."
Turquoise withdrew her screen, looking at his gem through it. The device sent out a scanning beam reminiscent of the shattering robonoids Steven and Lars had encountered in the bowels of Homeworld (which Steven definitely did not like being reminded of) before displaying some sort of readout in glyph, incomprehensible to him. Turquoise's brow furrowed, she tapped the screen a few times, and then a frown appeared.
"Is something wrong?" Steven asked nervously.
Turquoise sucked in a breath. "Well-" She closed her mouth, rethinking her words. "Actually, no. There appears to be no structural damage to your gem whatsoever, My Diamond. Not even a remnant of energy strain, though your energy output is unusually variable compared to other gems. -Not, of course, that you are to be compared to them! Stars, no. As a diamond, these readings may very well be normal for you."
Steven's shoulders slumped. He had expected this, but to have it confirmed by someone else… it felt real, now: he was broken. He couldn't be fixed.
Turquoise continued to speak, growing more agitated as she realized Steven's distress, "There are, of course, some additional manual tests I can administer, but if I knew more about how this happened…"
"Let's just do the tests first," Steven mumbled. He wasn't ready- not that he'd ever be ready, but he meant to delay the inevitable for as long as possible.
There was a hesitation before Turquoise conceded, "As you wish, My Diamond."
She set the screen floating to the side, then pulled out a metal instrument from her gem, reminiscent of the odd tuning-fork-thing he'd found on his mom's table. Turquoise held it above Steven's gem, then looked up at his face. "May I?" she asked eagerly.
Steven nodded and Turquoise tapped the device against his gem, barely enough to register as a touch. A sort of ringing, felt as well as heard, filled him; Steven shivered at the strange sensation. Turquoise let out a hum of pleasure, enraptured, and Steven furrowed his brows.
"Such a pure tone," Turquoise fawned. "Absolutely flawless. Beautiful. Never have I heard such a clear resonance."
Steven tried to muster up a smile in response to the overwhelming flattery. He wasn't sure it was well received, as Turquoise hurriedly got back to her work, returning an awkward stretch of her own lips.
She returned the tuning fork to her gem, taking out a small, flat hexagon instead. She pressed against the side and it began to emit a white light, then placed it against the flat of Steven's gem. She looked at the words- or numbers, Steven recognized- pouring out on her screen, as the device appeared to do- absolutely nothing? Apparently Turquoise got more out of it than Steven as she hummed over the readout, swiping and tapping until, with a final shake of her head, she withdrew the light, shutting it off.
"My Diamond," Turquoise broached, putting on a face he often saw on store employees on Earth, dealing with an unruly customer, "I am unable to find any evidence of damage, past or current, having befallen your gem. You are, to put it simply, flawless."
"They why do I have this?" Steven protested, gesturing to the fractures that marred his stomach. He felt Blue Pearl lean closer, ever-so-slightly brushing against his arm. He let out a tense breath. It's not like anything worse could happen to him.
"I… I would need to understand the circumstances involving the onset of this…" she waved her hand, as if she could pick a suitable word out of the air, "condition, in order to provide more information."
Steven sighed. There was really no getting out of it, was there. He kicked his heels back against the seat, staring down at the floor. He decided to start from the beginning. "Well, my mom… Pink Diamond, she- On Earth, she decided to give up her physical form to make me." He paused, gathering his thoughts, and ignored Turquoise's incredulous stare. "She wanted me to understand what it meant to be human, I think, so she created me with my dad- my human dad, and gave me her gem."
Turquoise's eyes grew steadily wider as she gaped. "You fused with an organic?" Her voice held horror, along with an even portion of disgust.
"No! Well, yeah- I have, and it's fine, by the way- but it wasn't like that! It wasn't fusion!" Or at least, Steven didn't think it was fusion. He certainly couldn't re-fuse with his dead corpse-
Steven ripped his mind back to the present, focusing in on Turquoise's next words. "I apologize, My Diamond, I didn't mean to offend you-"
"It's fine!" Steven burst. It wasn't fine. Turquoise seemed to agree as she made to interject. "Just- don't worry about it. Please."
"…As you wish, My Diamond." There was a pregnant pause before Turquoise grimaced, taking the initiative. "If you wouldn't mind continuing…?"
Steven very much did mind. He continued anyway, though with an angry bite underlaid his words. "So, I was half-human. I was born, I had a body, I was just like any other organic, except, well, a bit more." He traced his thumb over his gem. "I don't remember who Pink Diamond was or what her life was like; I just know me, Steven. And I…" An image of sand, saturated in blood, flashed in his mind. He shook it away. "There… after the trial, when I escaped, Yellow and Blue came to Earth to… shatter me, because they thought I was Rose Quartz. I tried to tell them I wasn't her, that she and Pink Diamond were the same, but they just wouldn't- they wouldn't listen!" He paused at a soft brush from Blue Pearl, composing himself. Hold it together, Steven, he chastised, taking a deep breath. "So we fought, and-" He broke off, wiping his eyes with a shudder. "And we lost," he finished, hushed. "Yellow- Yellow got ahold of me, and she- she thought I was so revolting, she just-" He held back a sob, though tears began to pour from his eyes in earnest. "She just-"
"She removed Pink Diamond's gem from her organic shell," Blue Pearl finished in a whisper, sparing him the worst.
Steven hid his face in his hands, though he could feel Turquoise's stare despite the flimsy barrier. "She killed me," he choked. "Oh, stars, she killed me. It hurt so much, so much it was like s-she tore open every part of my body at once. And then I reformed, and I was dead. I saw myself die, and now I'm here and everything is so awful and I just want to go home." He sobbed, "Please, just let me go home." And then words would no longer come, and Steven cried, clutching a stiff, shocked Blue Pearl to him as he wailed into her chest.
After a moment Blue Pearl softened, a gentle hand coming to stroke his hair, though she still kept touch as minimal as she could, granted Steven was practically in her lap. "Pink Diamond is having trouble recalling her life prior to her time on Earth," Blue Pearl explained softly. "I'm sure you understand that the circumstances of her return to Homeworld are to be kept confidential, under pain of shattering."
Steven shivered at the mention of shattering, but couldn't bring himself to intervene. Now that the tears had started again they refused to stop, leaving him a weak, pitiful mess. He knew when it was over he'd feel awful for imposing on Blue Pearl like this, but for the moment he couldn't care less. He needed this.
"Of course," Turquoise replied, quieter than he'd yet heard her, lacking the condescending air she'd taken with Blue Pearl before. "Should I… leave?"
He felt Blue Pearl's head shake before a taut silence ensued, both gems waiting for Steven to compose himself. It took a few minutes but he eventually reigned in his tears, resting perhaps a moment longer than necessary against Blue Pearl before pulling back. True to form, he instantly felt horrible. Why was he such a useless mess?
"Sorry," Steven said, hoarse and ashamed.
"There is no need to apologize," the pearl replied kindly, predictable as always. She directed her next statement to Turquoise, "I assume you need no other information from Pink Diamond?"
"No," Turquoise said quickly, straightening her posture as she was addressed. "No, I believe I've heard enough."
"Your conclusion?" Blue Pearl prodded, and while Turquoise's eyes flicked to Steven, she didn't protest being questioned by a pearl.
"It is difficult to say…" She flicked through some pictures on her screen. "I have never heard of anything regarding a gem-organic hybrid, let alone solid facts, but there are some records regarding defective gems - pearls, ambers, and jets in particular - where an instance of damage leaves blemishes upon the form that persist beyond the repair of the gemstone itself." She froze, halting her explanation and throwing Steven a look of alarm. "Not to compare you with a mere pearl, My Diamond! Or- or to even suggest that you might be anything less than a most flawless, luminous diamond- I would do no such thing, I assure you!"
"It's okay, Turquoise," Steven sniffled. "Go on." He really wanted this over with now; he didn't know how much more talking he could take.
"Yes, well, repair among more valuable, non-composite gems is still relatively new, so most information is on those we've had the technology to repair the longest- thus my mention of pearls. You are infinitely more radiant than any common pearl, My Diamond."
Steven shot Turquoise a tired look, begging her to get to the point, and she clasped her hands as she silenced herself, thankfully taking the hint. He looked over at Blue Pearl, not surprised to find her glaring daggers at Turquoise, and had to suppress an inappropriate laugh.
"The matter is, your gem shows no sign of ever having been damaged. Is this correct?"
Steven nodded.
"And these fractures first appeared immediately following the, ah, incident on Earth?"
Steven nodded again, forcing himself to stay relaxed (which, ironically, seemed only to make him more tense).
"I haven't dealt with the cases I mentioned, myself- below my rank, you see- but, while your situation may broach some similarities with those on file, this is obviously a new event altogether…" Turquoise pondered for a moment, scrolling through more information on her screen. "I… hate to ask, My Diamond, but do you know if the cracks persist when you change shape- if you change shape?"
"I haven't tried… since then," Steven answered honestly. Shapeshifting was one of the furthest things from his mind.
Turquoise nodded. "I understand; if you do decide to alter your form, I would appreciate being appraised of the results. I'm certain once we discover the cause of this problem a solution will be readily apparent, seeing as it seems not involve the function of the gemstone, itself."
Steven blinked. "You're going to keep trying to fix me?"
It was Turquoise's turn to be shocked. "Of course, My Diamond. I haven't yet begun to explore all avenues of your case- it would be a heinous act of negligence on my part to simply give up." She tucked a stray strand of hair back behind her ear, tapping some notes. "I have been assigned oversight of your care directly by Blue Diamond; I assure you, I will find a solution."
"I… thank you," Steven said, genuinely. He wasn't sure exactly what he expected, but it certainly wasn't for Turquoise to go to bat for him, as far as to promise she'd fix him. Maybe there was still hope for him, after all.
Turquoise smiled, more bewildered than happy, but inclined her head in acknowledgement of Steven's thanks. "I will get started on my research immediately, My Diamond," Turquoise added, a hint of excitement in her tone. She frowned at Blue Pearl for a moment, then addressed Steven again. "Who should I report my progress to? I assume you wish to remain informed."
"Oh, uh-" Steven had no idea what to say to that, but fortunately Blue Pearl took the reins once more.
"You will report all findings to me, on behalf of both Blue Diamond and Pink Diamond." It was obvious she was still harboring anger over Turquoise's earlier comments, her voice having a slight snappish edge that had never been directed at Steven.
Turquoise grimaced, but at least attempted a polite nod to Blue Pearl. The latter didn't return the gesture. "I believe Pink Diamond is finished with your services, Turquoise."
Turquoise looked to Steven, but when he failed to contradict the statement she saluted, offering a submissive, "My Diamond."
"Um, bye, Turquoise," Steven offered. "Thanks for trying."
Said gem nodded. "I will keep you apprised, My Diamond." She held the salute for a moment longer before spinning around, long strides taking her to the door in a matter of moments. It opened before her, giving Steven a pang of jealousy at her freedom; he swiftly smothered the emotion. He turned to Blue Pearl, still sitting next to him.
"Thank you, I really… I couldn't have gotten through this without you." He made sure to impress the sincerity of his words.
"It is a pleasure to be of service," the pearl responded, and Steven sighed. She still didn't get it, but at least she was trying.
Steven sat a moment longer, then hopped off the seat, floating gently to the ground, several feet below. "Oh," he said, seeing Blue Pearl still elevated, "pebbles, could you lower the seat again?" The pebbles complied, and the pearl also stood.
"Do you have further need of me, Pink Diamond?" Blue Pearl asked, poised and elegant as always. Steven envied her composure.
"Oh, no, you can go if you want," Steven answered. He really would rather she stay, but he wouldn't blame her for leaving after he got tears and snot all over her. "I'll be fine," he added, an afterthought.
Blue Pearl bowed. "I will inform My Diamond that you are in need of rest, and wish to discuss matters with her at a later time."
"Thanks," Steven sighed, a rush of apprehension appearing and disappearing at the thought. He hadn't even entertained that Blue might come back. He really couldn't face her right now.
The pearl rose, then she too slipped out the door. Steven took a deep breath in, then out, mind feeling like a chewed-up wad of gum stuck to the boardwalk. He really did need a break.
He walked to the wall, leaning against it and slipping down to sit on the floor. As expected, a chair rose beneath him.
"Hey, pebbles," Steven murmured, unexpected tears in his eyes as the little gems clambered out of hiding so eagerly, cooing over him. "Are all of you okay? I didn't hurt anyone?"
"Us pebbles are sturdier than we look!" one shouted, followed by another, "Are you okay, Pink?"
Steven's smiled wavered. "I- I'm fine," he said, one lie in a sea of untruths.
The pebbles accepted it. Steven didn't know why it hurt so much that they did.
Steven relaxed for a while, taking Blue Pearl's advice and giving the pebbles his full attention. The little gems were rambunctious as ever, climbing, swinging around and giggling, always joyful. He wished he could be as happy as them, as sure of the place he occupied in the world.
The tension had finally dropped from his shoulders (and he'd managed to resummon his shirt) when a chorus of "Oh!"s preceded the pebbles tumbling back into hiding. Steven got up quickly, seeing what appeared to be a large, white bubble float through the balcony doorway. Definitely one of the stranger things he'd seen on Homeworld, and he observed it warily.
Unexpectedly, the bubble burst, revealing a colorless pearl, an eerie smile stretched across her face like a mask. Her visage was marred by a series of cracks, blinding one eye, and Steven froze under her gaze.
"White Diamond requests your presence," the pearl announced, voice echoing strangely in the confined space, almost as if projected from elsewhere. She glided towards him, not moving a muscle, and in an instant the bubble closed around the two of them. Steven let out a cry of surprise as he felt the bubble move, taking them stars-knew-where, as the thing was entirely opaque. The creepy pearl was staring at him with her one good eye, and though Steven tried to avoid looking at her his eyes were nevertheless drawn to the fractures crossing her face. The more he looked, the more he couldn't deny it: they were just like his. His thoughts returned to Blue Pearl, tapping vehemently upon her left eyelid as she warned him of White Diamond, the very same eye that this, very white pearl was blinded in.
This was very bad.
After a few more moments of watching the pearl float, motionless, the bubble burst once more, dumping Steven unceremoniously onto a spotless white floor. The pearl floated away without another word, vanishing through a wall, and while Steven chased after her, the same surface held firm beneath his hands.
Abruptly he felt an overwhelming presence in the room; with a feeling of dread Steven turned, looking up, up, and up at the towering figure of White Diamond herself. Steven thought, fleetingly, that she was beautiful, before revising his assessment to terrifying.
The diamond matriarch stood tall, larger than life in all her brilliant glory. Her bust, perched always-overlooking Steven's temporary abode, approximated her image well, though it hardly approached the sheer power she radiated. Steven briefly wondered why she bothered standing on a raised platform, being so tall she must tower over even Yellow and Blue, every inch of her screaming authority. But then, that was probably precisely why. Her arms were spread wide, frozen in welcome, her mouth turned up in a smile but devoid of warmth - of color - just as empty as the glimmering room around them. Her star-speckled cape hung, dark as night, perfect and pristine, a backdrop to a play with White as puppeteer and Steven as puppet.
"Hello, Starlight," White spoke. Her voice rang with false pleasantry, a draft echoing through the room.
"H-hi?" Steven squeaked, but White was already talking over him.
"We're all so thrilled that you've finally reformed, back home at last," White intoned, her eyes sweeping his form in a way that left Steven tense. "You gave everyone quite the scare," she almost-teased, as if Pink's supposed death and six-thousand year absence were nothing more than an elaborate game of hide-and-seek. The smile grew, but her eyes grew colder too, the white glow within her pupils eerie and ominous.
"Uh-" Steven tried again, but White plowed over him, giving no sign that she'd even heard him speak.
"But, thank the stars, your little game is finally over. Do you feel better now? Did you have fun? Get everything out of your system?" she asked, tone not-quite condescending, but so close that it brushed on Steven's nerves. "Good, good," White continued, as if sweeping the entire ordeal from her mind in that one instant. As if Steven's mere presence signified agreement.
"I-" Steven began, more firmly, only to be drowned out by White once more. Her voice was so loud, so commanding, so righteous. He wasn't going to get a single word in at this rate.
"You've been having some trouble settling in," White said, an accusation veiled in concern, "but you'll adjust. After all, Yellow and Blue do so adore you… They've truly been desolate without you." She, conspicuously, left herself out of her declaration of affection. "And just look at yourself; what a mess you've made." She shook her head slightly, disgust flashing across her face in the brief narrowing of her eyes. "You just can't help but leave others to pick up your pieces, can you?" There was a slight stress on the word 'pieces' that unsettled Steven greatly.
There was a pause where White simply looked at him, and Steven knew if he still had a heart it'd be hammering in his chest. His hands and feet felt numb, his skin tingling with danger. Then the smile returned, cold and brittle like frost. "But you have all the time in the universe to make things right, Pink. And you will make things right."
Steven opened his mouth, then shuddered, closing it again. Some instinctual part of him knew that speaking right now would be very, very bad for him.
White's faux smile settled further into her face, still not-quite natural. "Welcome home, Pink," she said, in a languid tone one-off from affectionate, then with a gesture of her fingers the white bubble closed around Steven again, whisking him away.
Steven shuddered, indescribably relieved to be away from White, despite their short meeting being a complete and utter failure. If Yellow and Blue were near-infinite in their power, Steven knew White was- could only be- a god.
He was never going home.