The next time Remus sees her, it's at the Weasley's annual Christmas party.
They'd not spoken for six months. Frankly, given the circumstances of their last conversation, he doesn't think he'd know what to say to her. What he even can say, without giving too much of himself away.
But any attempt he would have made gets shut down when she walks through the door and he realizes -
She's brought a date.
And as for any attempts at reconciliation -
well, he's far too late .
They look great together. Really , they do.
Remus can't be bothered to learn his name. Misses it, amid a set of hasty introductions, but it doesn't matter, anyways.
No.
What matters is that he's everything Remus ever dreaded, his complete opposite in every way: young, smart, and handsome.
Not broken , in any sense of the word.
No, completely and utterly whole .
(Something he could never be, anyways.)
There's an enchanted mistletoe following everyone around. A new test concept from Fred and George, because of coursethey've got enchanted mistletoe .
(The boys are geniuses, but he hates it, really. For no fault of their own.)
Because he knows what's about to happen. And he can't bear to see it, when it happens.
Eventually, it hovers over Tonks and her date. As he'd always expected it would.
His stomach twists when he sees him kiss her. As he watches her lean in, wrap a hand around his cheek, pull him closer.
After what feels like an eternity, they pull apart, to hoots and cheers. Sounds he has to do his best to ignore.
"Pour me another glass of whiskey," Remus mutters, and he can feel Arthur's probing eyes on him, searching for a reaction of some sort. Does his best to stare at a noncommittal spot on the wall, not wanting to see the man's look of sympathy or pity or both.
Tonks notices, eventually. That's he's taking special care, not just to avoid her, but to make jagged side-comments about her date, when he thinks she's out of ear-shot.
And yes, he's being sloppy, more than that. Discretion is not his forte, at the present moment.
He's let envy get the best of him. It's embarrassing, actually.
(After all, she was never his to begin with.)
But for once in his life - he doesn't care.
Her date has to leave the party a little early. Makes mention of something to do with early hours, serious Auror duties. Boring, honorable things. Whatever.
Remus doesn't care, anyways. Because he doesn't give a damn about him.
Right?
Right.
Tonks grabs him by the elbow, pulls him into an empty room.
He staggers after her, the influence of one too many drinks washing over him now, and suddenly he's gasping for air.
She shuts the door behind them before she turns to him, and when he's finally able to meet her eyes she looks nothing less than furious -
"Why are you being so weird?"
"I'm not being weird," he protests feebly, even though it's a lie and an obvious one at that.
"Yes, you are ." she mutters, followed by something that's a half-explanation, of sorts, not that she really even owes him one -
"We just started going out. A few weeks ago."
"Ah." He does his best to look disinterested, but he knows Tonks can see right through him.
(As she's always been able to, for better or for worse.)
She frowns.
"What's gotten into you, Remus?", and then, a whisper -
" You were the one who told me to move on. I have! "
"He's not good for you, Tonks…" he starts, and he immediately regrets it.
She steps closer, eyes flashing in anger.
"That's bollocks and you know it!"
Remus tries to argue, but she cuts him off before he can.
" No !" she snaps. "I am happy. He makes me happy."
" Good! " he retaliates, all the pent-up anger and bitterness seeping like venom into his words. "That's all I've ever wanted for you, Tonks."
And he knows it's unfair. Knows that he's being a right git .
But he just can't be arsed to give a damn , anymore.
Because this is too much. Because actually seeing her with someone else is a thousand times more painful than he'd ever imagined it to be.
She lets out a low laugh, though there's no humor in her voice.
"You know what's the worst part, Remus?"
He waits for her to continue.
"He's everything you told me to find. And yet, I still want you ."
She looks sad, then. More worn down than he's ever seen her.
"And I know you want me too. You just won't admit it."
He says nothing in response. Doesn't trust himself, right now.
Focuses, instead, on staring at a spot on the peeling wallpaper, as if in a drunken stupor. Pretends he hasn't heard her, to hide the way his heart is racing, the way his blood is boiling. He's almost angry at her, suddenly.
It's unfathomable: she still wants him? After everything?
How could that be?
But it doesn't matter. He can't have her. He knows that.
Remus swears she can hear his thoughts, at this point. Because now she's the one who looks exasperated, her anger returning as quickly as it had subsided.
"For Merlin's sake!" she seethes, grabbing hold of the front of his robes. "What will it take to get an honest reaction out of you, Remus?"
And he doesn't know if it's the whiskey in his bloodstream or the anger or frustration or pain bubbling so damn close to the surface, but suddenly he leans down and kisses her.
It's not right. Not what she deserves from him, not even close .
He kisses her something frantic, rough, desperate . Pours every last bit of misplaced want and hurt and need into it.
But despite all that, she kisses him back. Wraps one hand in his hair.
It's a few seconds, if that, but it's enough for him to realize what he's doing, how truly wrong it is. To pull back, to pull away. Still angry, still hurting.
"Is that honest enough for you?" he snaps, because God , he doesn't know what else to say .
What else to do .
Because he still wants her, even if he can't have her.
And maybe that's horribly selfish of him - no, he knows it is - but he's at his wit's end, now.
Tonks shudders. Sighs, before her next words -
"No ."
He frowns, at a loss, suddenly. Repeats the words back to her -
"No?"
They're at a stalemate, now. What else could she possibly want from him?
" No ." she repeats, slowly. "You don't get to do this to me."
A pause, as she gathers her thoughts.
"Because you still won't change your mind."
She shakes her head. Finishes the words that have started to form in his mind, despite himself -
"Because nothing I say or do will ever make you change your mind. Isn't that right , Remus?"
And looking into her face, her pretty features turned so desperately sad again, he's tempted, for once, to give in.
It would be so easy to say that he's changed his mind. To give her and him all that he wants, all that she thinks she wants.
To be completely and utterly selfish , for once.
But this is war , even if the facades of holiday cheer and merriment pretend otherwise.
The second one he's lived through. Quite possibly the last.
And he knows his life is doomed. Knows , his fate is sealed. As it has been, all along, for a creature like him.
Doomed, to be always feared and eternally damned. A half-life, full of pain and suffering. Nothing more, nothing less.
So he lies. Or rather, he tells the truth.
"You're right again, my dear. I will not change my mind."
Tonks finally lets go of his robes. Chokes down a proper sob, one that breaks his heart, snaps the damn thing in two.
"I'm sorry , Dora," he murmurs, and then, another prayer, half-hearted though it is -
"I hope he can make you happy. Really, I do."
She cries, but says nothing.
He leaves without a goodbye. Tries to ignore the sound of her falling to the ground, as he closes the door behind him.
It's better this way. Really.
She'll realize that, one day.