CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN

If interrupting a quickie wasn't depressing enough, Yuri furthered it in his own head by over-thinking everything. He poked quietly at his food, occasionally looking at Viktor, then back at his food again.

I didn't think he'd get bored with me so fast, He ruminated to himself, rolling a leaf of baby spinach over on his plate. Maybe the novelty of me being inexperienced has worn off. He said once that he hoped I never stopped blushing because of him, but I don't even know if I do anymore, unless it's so embarrassing that I can feel my whole face turn hot. He skewered the leaf on the end of his fork, then a slice of half-peeled cucumber next to it, But everything I try to do for him is stuff that I learned from him...is that my problem? He doesn't need me to do stuff that he can do himself… Or maybe it's because I'm a man? Maybe all those years of being with women... he wants to go back to that… After all the stuff I tried to learn about online, I know women feel...different inside… He suddenly shot his head up, brow furrowed in worry, Is that why he said we should get the toy!? He wanted to recreate the feeling he got from his old girlfriends!? Is he disappointed with the one I picked, too!? I went out of my way to make sure it didn't have the same feel or outside appearance as a woman because I didn't want to think he missed it…but now I do anyway! Yuri lowered his head, all but crying at the thought of it.

All the while, Viktor was trying to keep it together, too. He maintained the facade of a nervous smile, but behind those blue eyes, his brain was still screaming.

How could I have lost the gift Yuri bought for me already!? He said he only got it because he was really at his wit's end trying to sort me out after the RSF fired me! And I didn't even have it for a whole day before it disappeared! He's going to be so upset! I was so excited that he was willing to try something new...and I wanted to use it with him so much! I've tried every position on him that I can think of without making him uncomfortable, but he must be getting bored with it by now…! It's been a year since we started! I wonder if he's thinking how much better it might've been if he had been able to get together with Yuko after all!? Being with a guy can be messy and awkward at the best of times… Viktor put his elbows on top of the table, and chin over his plate, perched on the back of his fingers where he'd folded them together there, All the times I've made a mistake and he got so embarrassed...or all the times we had to change the sheets because we didn't bother to grab a towel first… That's half the reason I thought the Fleshlight would be better! Cuz then we could do stuff without worrying so much about cleaning up after! But we only got to use it for the one night and I'm not even sure I could find another one exactly like it to replace the one I lost without him noticing the difference! Yuri's so much smarter than I am...he'd know for sure! What do I do!? He'll be so disappointed in me! And if I try to replace it anyway and he notices, then he'll think I tried to lie to him! Or worse, that I tried to get one that's better than the one he found, as though it wasn't good enough! Then he'll get all self-conscious and I'll never be able to convince him that I love him exactly as he is ever again!

Viktor's brain was cracking in half so loudly, he was sure other people could hear it.

"You guys are sure quiet." Minako said stiffly from her side of the table.

"EVERYTHING IS OKAY." They both blurted out, sitting practically at attention with both arms clamped down against their sides as they stared straight ahead.

She raised a brow at them, "...Mhm… That was convincing." She pointed a finger at her expression, then circled it around, "This is the face that I make when I'm convinced."

They both went back to sweating nervously...but eventually Viktor broke and blurted out the confession.

Or at least tried to.

"Yuri! I lost the birthday gif-"

"I TOOK THE THING OUT OF THE SUITCASE AND HID IT BEFORE YOU NOTICED." Yuri interrupted suddenly.

Viktor gaped at him, the comical tears that had been rolling down his cheeks stopping where they were, "...You...what?"

"IT'S UNDER THE BED AT HOME." The distraught younger man went on, pulling both hands over his face in shame, "I didn't want it here…!"

Minako again gaped at them, "...Whaaaat are you two talking about? And why are you yelling about it? People are staring."

Both men's faces went white as sheets, and bullets of sweat fell off of them. They went immediately quiet and stared at their food instead, poking at it in humiliated silence. Still, their minds were going a thousand miles an hour at the few words that had just been spoken.

He...didn't want it here!? What does that even mean!? Viktor wondered, questioning everything he thought he knew about his husband, Why wouldn't he…? I thought he enjoyed it! Why did he have to secretly take it out of the suitcase and hide it so I wouldn't notice…!? When did he even have time!? Viktor suddenly gasped aloud, lifting his head, It must've been when I was getting the gel out of Jiro's mouth! He turned his eyes slightly, Why didn't he just talk to me…? Doesn't he trust me…?

Yuri's heart was in his throat, pounding so hard he was sure the entire restaurant could see it pulsating from clear across the room. Why did I say that!? He probably hates me now! And I can't even explain myself because we're here! He's going to have the whole rest of dinner to think up all his own reasons why I took the toy out without saying anything! He's going to think I was trying to deceive him! I'll never have his confidence again! This is what I get for thinking it was safe to fall in love with my idol...I lied to him just like everyone else did…!

Viktor lifted his head, about to say something, fingers twitching at the anticipation of his hand moving over to take his husband's...but Yuri suddenly shot up from the table and left.

Minako nearly spat her drink out at the surprise of it, "Wh- Yuri! Where are you going!?"

The Russian was frantic to get his wallet out of his jacket, simply tossing the whole thing across the table towards the ballerina, "Here, just don't let them think we stiffed them on the bill!"

She fumbled it between both hands, but eventually grasped it and held it tight, barely able to acknowledge that she had it before seeing Viktor disappear like a thin silver blur through the dim lights of the room, "O-Okay…?"

Yuri was out past the host's podium before Viktor had half a chance to catch up, but when he finally did, and Yuri felt the hand on his shoulder to spin him around, he was a soggy, hysterical mess behind his glasses. Viktor tried to hug him, but Yuri's first instinct was to push him off and step back, which just further added to the confusion.

"Wh… Yuri, why are you running away like this…?" The Russian asked, his throat hurting already, "Just...talk to me...say something, anything…! I don't know why you're reacting like this!"

The words that came out where incoherent, and interrupted by sobbing anyway, so all Yuri would do was cry out in agony and pull his glasses off to try and clear his vision. Viktor stepped closer in an attempt to hug him a second time, that time managing to get a good grip with both arms, holding the inconsolable mess he called his husband in place.

Staff from within the diner were collecting at the entrance, peering around the corner in confusion, thinking someone had been hurt. The Russian glanced back at them, and tried to wave them off with one hand, "Gomenasai! I left my wallet with our other friend! Please charge my card!" He explained desperately, starting to pull his partner down the hall and away from the eyes of onlookers. It took three full minutes to find a place far enough away and adequately secluded before he was willing to stop and sit the man down, finding a plush bench against one wall in a long corridor, just past the elevator hall. As Yuri leaned forward against his knees, Viktor held close, left arm over his partner's back as the right hand held to the man's nearest shoulder. Unsure what else to say, Viktor just stayed quiet, rubbing a thumb back and forth slowly to soothe his spouse until the sobbing was under control and he could speak again.

Still, it felt like a tortured eternity before Yuri could say something without each word being muffled by an involuntary gasp. He never did manage to clear off the lenses in his glasses, and Viktor had to pull them from his hand, slipping them into the inside breast-pocket of his blazer. They left a wet smudge in the fabric, but Viktor didn't pay any attention. He just pat the pocket from the outside to make sure they were secure, and returned his hand to Yuri's arm, sighing against the back of that shoulder where he parked his chin, "...Yuri...please...say something..."

"...I-I'm...n-no better th-than the g-girlf-friends you've...h-had before...wh-who took adv..." He attempted, only to burst into anguished tears again, unable to finish the statement.

"That's so far from the truth...I don't understand why you think that."

"Why wouldn't you!?" Yuri barked, lifting his head and twisting away a little, "I lied to you, hid things from you, and then misled you about it for half a day because I'm still the same coward I always was! You have every right to be furious with me!"

"...Except that I'm not…I just...want to understand why you feel like you had to do what you did. It's just a toy. I didn't think y-"

"It's not 'just a toy' to me!" The younger man sobbed, "It's a replacement! A substitute! It means that what I'm able to give you isn't good enough anymore, and you have to look for something else to pick up the slack!"

"...It's supposed to be supplemental..." Viktor tried to explain, "I thought it could add to what we had… I never thought you'd get this upset about it...but now I wish I never said anything..."

"I know I'm still rubbish at all this stuff...I'm sorry! I'm trying my best to do everything you do but I'm not as good at is as you are! I just didn't think I was so bad that you'd have to ask for outside help to make it better!" Yuri cried, covering his face with both hands as he leaned back down over his knees, elbows holding him up even as tears freely fell between his feet, "Now I just feel like I've been wasting all your time because I can never make you feel as good as a woman can!"

"...If that was the case, I wouldn't have spent most of last night using it on you though." The silver Russian said quietly, "Half the reason I ever suggested it was because I didn't want you to get bored… We've been doing more-or-less the same stuff for a year now. I don't ever want you to feel like being intimate is a chore that you're only doing because I want to..."

"I never wanted to use a damn toy though!" Yuri blurted unexpectedly, face red from frustration as much as from sorrow. He returned to settle his hands against his cheeks, staring at the floor.

As loud and distressed as Yuri was, people clear across the hall were staring at them. It didn't make much difference to Viktor, but he knew that his husband would be horrified if his outburst lead to event-wide rumors that lasted all weekend.

I wish I wasn't so bad at this… Viktor thought anxiously, turning to look at his partner again, I don't know what to do or say to make this better… This isn't the best place to get to the bottom of it all either…

"...I never should've...g-gotten the thing..." Yuri started up again though, quieter, hiccupping his breaths between words, "...I was j-just so...desperate to m-make you feel better...after the R-RSF thing...I was willing to do an-anything...even th-this..."

"...I never meant to offend you so much with the suggestion." The Russian tried to explain, "I truly never expected you to react like this… Do you really hate it that much…?"

"It-it's not that I h-hate it..." He answered, tears still falling from his chin where they trailed down his cheeks, "I underst-stand the app-ppeal… But it's...n-not what I w-want...and now I just f-feel bad bec-cause I'm...being selfish…" He dropped one arm, pivoting it against his knee as he leaned more on the left, trying to tilt further away from the shame, "I tr-tried so hard to make th-this work...I r-really wanted to d-do this for you b-but I just...can't..."

"...Help me understand what's so wrong with it..." Viktor pleaded, "I don't want to make this mistake again..."

"I t-told you last year that I liked it b-best when you used your h-hands...but this just puts a piece of plastic between u-us…." Yuri attempted, keeping his head down, "To anyone e-else it...might be nothing but...a tool to achieve the same ends...but t-to me...it's..." He huffled several breaths, pulling his left hand up over his eyes, "It's the d-difference between...making love and j-just...hav-having s-..." He paused and shook his head, trying again, "...Just fu-..."

"...Oh..."

Yuri heaved an exhausted breath, relieved to be understood without having to say the words, "...And I just...I c-can't do that… I was only e-ever able to let you g-get close to me because...I love you and I t-trust you...and I want more than anything to be with you..." He went on, tears still pouring from his eyes, "But I'm n-not built to just be...free and l-loose with who I s-sleep with… " He explained, rubbing his eyes with his fingers, "I d-don't even th-think...I could stand it if y-you...used the damn thing on y-yourself...w-without me…" He rubbed his nose on the back of a sleeve, leaving an unsavory wet slick on the fabric, part of which trailed as he pulled it away again, "I just c-couldn't...stand the shame..."

"...Why would you be ashamed by that though...?" Viktor wondered, reaching up with his free right hand to rub his forehead in pained confusion, "...Is it because of the crass joke that I made about it being like having a threesome without the need to actually bring someone else in...?"

"Because it's not me!" Yuri cried out, turning slightly towards the Russian, emphasizing his point by bringing his hands up towards his chest, trembling as they were, "Because I know what that thing feels like and I know it's completely different! They're specially designed to-"

"Yuri you're getting loud-" The silver Russian attempted, sitting up a bit straight and waving his arms down in an attempt to suppress the volume.

It seemed to work, and Yuri recoiled on himself, though a bit farther than Viktor would've liked, "...They're sp-specially designed to give you space age orgasms...and I just...h-how can I compare to that!?" He sobbed quietly at the floor, "N-nothing about me f-feels like th-...like...th..." His hysteria was a bit more muted than before, but he still lost the ability to speak again, all coherent thought shoved back behind the well of tears behind his eyes.

Viktor watched in despair, completely unsure how to proceed from that. His husband was in complete disarray; shaking, miserable...face red and leaking from everywhere. Yuri could hardly breathe, he was crying so hard. There was only one thing Viktor could think of to do, and he slid off the front of the couch, shuffling to the side and turning on a knee to face the man, and wedged himself in under Yuri's face, replacing his partner's hands with his shoulder. Mercifully, Yuri didn't hate him enough to shove him off a second time, and at least for a little while, Yuri held as still there as he could. Viktor lightly set his left hand on the side his partner's arm, the right going over the opposite shoulder to curve around the back of the man's head and keep him close. He held a little tighter when he felt Yuri's shaking fingers snake up to his left wrist, pulling it off his arm and closer to his face, until the Russian could feel the wet of those tears on his skin. Viktor brushed his thumb against his spouse's cheek there, and curved his fingers to comb through raven hair.

By then, Yuri was quiet enough again that the grief-stricken silver legend could get a word in edgewise and actually be heard.

"I didn't get two of the best years of my life from you just to replace you with a sex toy." Viktor said quietly against one ear, "But at this point, if there's one thing I can guarantee you...it's that Time Travel doesn't get invented in our lifetimes, because if it did, I'd have found a way to use it to come back to the moment in the onsen when I first suggested getting the thing...and I'd have beaten myself up to stop me from ever opening my mouth in the first place."

Yuri had no response to that; he just hiccupped a few ragged breaths against the grey blazer and vest beneath it.

"I really had no idea that this misadventure would hurt you so much. I...I thought it would be fun...not soul-crushing." Viktor went on, cupping his wet palm against the side of his partner's neck, feeling those fingers holding around his forearm a little more adamantly, "Clearly there's still a lot about both of us that we still have to learn... You didn't seem all that provoked about the idea when I suggested buying something. I would've taken it back immediately if I got that impression. And then, after I realized it wasn't in the suitcase..." He sighed a little, "I was so worried you'd be upset at me for losing it already, that it didn't even occur to me that it might've been you who took it out. I thought maybe Jiro knocked it out somehow, when he was trying to crawl into the suitcase from the other side...and then I just got so distracted by him getting in the trash that I didn't look again to make sure it was still there..."

Still, Yuri had no verbal response. He just clung to his spouse's arm, refusing to let it move from where he had it.

Viktor looked on sadly, "I want to make this right...but there's a lot more to unpack here than I think we each realize right now." He explained, "You barely touched dinner, and I don't know that you want to go back and try again right now."

That earned the feeling of Yuri shaking his head against a shoulder. Progress.

"So let's just..." Viktor paused a moment, thinking, to choose his words carefully, "...Let's just go back to make sure the tab is paid, and we can get room-service instead. Then we can just decompress over this and talk about it, after you've had a minute to catch your breath. Given how you reacted...I'm not even really sure you realized how deep this went."

Another gentle head-shake.

"Do you want to wait here while I go back and get our things? I have to explain a little to Minako why we're leaving early, but..."

One last head-shake, but that time, Yuri lifted his face a little. His voice was a whisper and hoarse, but he managed a few words, "...I'll g-go...with you..." He started, swallowing painfully after that before starting again, "...I d-don't...want to be...al-lone..."

"...Okay..." Viktor nodded, pulling himself back only far enough to shrug out of his suit-jacket. He slipped it around his husband's back and settled it on the man's shoulders, then rose to stand, offering his hands to help Yuri up to his feet as well. Yuri took them, and rose unsteadily, feeling too dizzy from his anguish to stand on his own, so Viktor slid his arms within the blazer and wrapped them around the younger man's thin frame, "Are you okay to walk? I'll carry you."

Yuri attempted a step to the side, but felt so uneasy that he closed his eyes, and shook his head again. All he could do after that was slip his arms through the sleeves of the jacket.

"Say no more."

The next thing Yuri knew, Viktor was slightly crouched in front of him, presenting his back, and the emotionally-taxed younger man leaned forward to collapse against it. Viktor leaned a bit further forward for leverage, and hoisted his husband off the ground, reaching both arms back around to clasp his fingers together, and managed a temporary seat with his hands.

"Ikimashou." (Let's go.)