Right after morning roll call, Hogan marched right into the Kommandantur. He barely acknowledged Hilda before pushing his way into Klink's office. Klink started in surprise, dropping a magazine into his lap and sitting up straight.
"Hogan, what is the meaning of this?" Klink demanded.
"The meaning of this is that you've got to keep that dog of yours on a leash!" Hogan snapped.
"What dog?" Klink asked, confused.
"Weiss."
Klink smacked his desk and stood up. "Hogan, Corporal Weiss is only doing his job."
"Colonel Klink, are you aware that he came and inspected my barracks last night?"
Klink tilted his head up and waved his hand dismissively. "Perfectly acceptable. You are prisoners. He is a guard."
"Are you also aware that he smashed our table and a set of bunk beds?" Hogan pressed.
Looking surprised, Klink nearly lost his monocle. He sputtered for a moment before waving his hand again. "A bit excessive, I grant you, but he must have had his reasons," he said, but there was a bit of a waver in his voice.
Hogan pegged him suspiciously. "Are you… Are you scared of Weiss, Kommandant?"
"Of course I am!" Klink snapped. "Who isn't? He was sent here by the Gestapo and General Burkhalter. And, in case it escaped your notice, he is huge!"
Hogan pretended to be shocked. "What? But he's a corporal! You're a colonel! Who's running this camp anyway?"
"You are," Klink said sullenly. "I mean I am! I mean he is." Klink let out a sigh and sunk back into his chair. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his desk and pinched the bridge of his nose. "He has already informed me that he wants to make changes in the camp. He should be here any minute to discuss them."
"And you're just going to let him?"
"What choice do I have?"
Hogan placed a hand on Klink's desk and leaned forward, eyeing Klink seriously. Klink looked up and heaved a wary sigh. "Colonel Klink, when that big oaf gets here you look him right in the eye and you tell him that you're the Iron Eagle. You have a perfect record: no one has ever escaped Stalag 13. You rule with an iron fist and you are going to keep doing things the way you've always done them because it works."
"Of course," Klink said, standing slowly and straightening himself. He grabbed the lapels of his jacket and puffed out his chest. "I am the Iron Eagle, aren't I? I have been running Stalag 13 perfectly. No escapes. From all the other camps they fly away like birds. But not here."
"All because of you," Hogan said in awe. "You don't need Weiss to mess things up, and you're not afraid to tell him!"
"No, no I am not afraid. Corporal Weiss doesn't know what it takes to run a prison camp. I do." Klink turned to face Hogan, a satisfied grin on his face. "Thank you, Hogan."
"Don't mention it," Hogan said flatly. "Now, while I'm here, I need to requisition some lumber and tools so we can build a new table and a bunk bed."
"Absolutely not. You'll just use it to build a tunnel."
"A tunnel? Us?" Klink just huffed and looked unamused. "I give you my word as an officer and a gentleman, we won't use it to build anything but a bed and a table." Klink didn't look convinced, so Hogan tried again. "Olsen and Fuller had to sleep on the floor last night, Kommandant. That's against the Geneva Conference. You've already got the Gestapo and Burkhalter on your case, do you really want the Swiss commission to pile on too?"
Klink deflated. "No, I suppose not. All right, permission granted. Go to the supply sergeant and order what you need."
"You're a great humanitarian, Colonel." Hogan said, offering Klink a salute, which he returned. Hogan was just about to leave when the door opened and Hilda poked her nose in.
"Corporal Weiss is here to see you, Kommandant," she informed him.
"Send him in," Klink said with a wave of his hand.
Corporal Weiss entered the room, a stack of files tucked under his arm. He glanced contemptuously at Hogan before dropping the files on Klink's desk.
"Well, I guess I better be going," Hogan said slowly, though he made no move to leave.
"No, Hogan, stay," Klink said hastily. Hogan shrugged and rocked on his heels, waiting. "Corporal Weiss, I am glad you're here. I understand you wanted to discuss something with me."
"Yes, Herr Kommandant," Weiss replied.
"Corporal Weiss, I am not interested in what you have to say," Klink said evenly, looking to Hogan for approval. Hogan nodded slightly. "Whatever improvements you want to make, let me assure you they are not necessary. The prisoners here are thoroughly cowed and broken. We have never had an escape here at Stalag 13 because of the way I have run this camp: with an iron fist and severe consequences for any attempts."
"What I have to say does not concern stopping escape attempts," Weiss said darkly. "And as for your thoroughly cowed prisoners, I have seen no evidence of that." He glared at Hogan who just shrugged innocently. "I have been reading the prisoners' files. Colonel Klink, your camp is not set up according to regulations."
"I already said, I am not interested," Klink said though Hogan could see his resolve was faltering under Weiss' shadow.
"Oh, I see. You know how to run a camp perfectly," Weiss growled.
"Yes, I do. And I do not like your tone, Corporal. May I remind you that I am a colonel and your commanding officer."
"And may I remind you, Colonel Klink, that the rules for how to run a prison camp was made by the high command? Do you suppose you know how to run a camp better than they do?"
Weiss' remark hit the target and Klink's resolved collapsed like a cheap tent. "Well, I uh- what kind of changes were you going to suggest?"
"All your prisoners are mixed together," Weiss replied. "In Colonel Hogan's hut, for example, there are Americans, Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Negro, and a Jew." He practically spat out the last one. "They must be segregated."
"Oh," Klink batted away the comment nervously. "I see no need to do that. The prisoners have not complained. Have you, Hogan?"
"No sir," Hogan replied. "And having a few other nationalities makes it hard to coordinate any escape attempts. Come to think of it, LeBeau and Newkirk are constantly arguing over the 100 year war. And after the Fourth of July, those Brits wouldn't even talk to us for a week, let alone hatch an escape plot with us."
"So you see, Corporal Weiss, there is no need," Klink said.
"Again, I remind you that these rules were put in place by the high command." Weiss looked at Klink studiously for a moment. "Colonel Klink, do you understand what we are trying to do?"
"Of course I-" Klink started, but then fell silent for a moment. "Remind me again what we are trying to do?"
"We are trying to create a new world order. A racially pure order. We are trying to create a world for the master race to live in peace and prosperity. A world free of vermin."
"Well, I- that is to say that-" Klink floundered.
"What's that got to do with us?" Hogan interrupted. "Why segregate us?"
"When this war is over, you will all be under our rule. You will be segregated then and dealt with accordingly."
"You're not just going to kill us?" Hogan sneered contemptuously.
"That is not for me to decide. But consider this as a way to prepare you for what is to come."
Suddenly, Hogan barked out a laugh. "You don't really believe all that hokey stuff, do you?" He decided that making fun of the idea would wound Weiss more than reacting with the contempt he actually felt.
"The question is, do you, Colonel Klink?" Weiss asked. "Do you believe in the vision of the High Command? Do you believe in the thousand year Reich?"
"Well… of course I do!" Klink said quickly and emphatically. "Corporal Weiss, inform Sergeant Schultz that the prisoners are to be moved to different barracks and segregated."
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. A wise choice." Weiss saluted Klink, then left.
"What was that?" Hogan demanded. "I thought you were going to stand up to him!"
Klink heaved another great sigh and poured himself a tall drink. "Hogan, before you asked me to stand up against a superman. But Corporal Weiss is much worse than that."
"Yeah? What is he?" Hogan asked curiously.
Klink gulped down his drink, then looked at Hogan sadly. "He's a Nazi."