CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED FIFTY SIX
[I want to hear it all.] Yuri said quietly, keeping his place by the door, [Tell it like it is, right from the start.]
Asahi had his eyes down still, keeping his shoulder to his old rink-mate, the other nearly pressed to the wall on the other side of the room, ...I could easily shove him out of the way and leave, he thought. Half his mind was unconsciously analyzing the difference in their size, their difference in foot-wear at the time, but the other was adamant about never hurting Yuri. Putting hands on him was unthinkable.
[Well?]
The older skater drew a quick breath; Asahi hadn't even realized he'd stopped breathing while his mind raced. He shook his head and stumbled around, putting his pack against the wall instead, keeping his face down so he wouldn't have to look, [I don't know when it started. I just...kind of became aware of it after a while. The way you would talk about that girl in Hasetsu that you liked...after a fashion, the mere mention of her would make my chest hurt.] He explained, hesitating to go on as his thoughts raced, [But I just stood back and watched...listened... I thought you would eventually get over her, and see what was right in front of you, but it never happened. If you weren't fawning after that girl...you were obsessing over...him...]
[Viktor.]
Asahi grit his teeth, [...I can hardly stand to hear his name now. When I heard the stories that he'd come to be your coach, I was equal parts happy for you, and worried. Someone like him...someone who thrives on fame and attention, who was staring the end of his career in the eyes...he might do anything to keep in peoples' notice. Even prey on his biggest fans.]
Yuri's brow crinkled and he glared a little, but didn't interrupt. Asahi wasn't looking at him anyway.
[But back then, it had only been a few weeks since...I lost...] His voice quaked, and he slid down the wall, cowering behind his knees. He pulled his arms up in front of his face to hide it, [I could hardly believe...how I'd been dealt such a blow...when you were having your wildest dreams come true. I wondered what I'd done to deserve it. Maybe it was recompense for some crime I did in a past life. To make me this way...and then take everything away from me...]
[You're talking about the accident.] Yuri stated, [I only...just learned about it earlier. I'm sorry you lost your friend.]
[HE WASN'T JUST SOME FRIEND.] Asahi barked, pushing the strap off his shoulder as he rose up to his feet again, [HE WAS EVERYTHING. I WAS ABLE TO GET OVER YOU BECAUSE OF HIM.] He pointed at the younger man, hand shaking from his fury, [YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE YOU LOVE. TO WATCH THEM DYING IN YOUR ARMS, NOT EVEN KNOWING WHERE THEY'RE HURT...TO WATCH THE LIGHT IN THEIR EYES DISAPPEAR WHILE YOU BEG THEM NOT TO GO. YOU DON'T HAVE A DAMN CLUE HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE SOMEONE SO IMPORTANT AND NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO GRIEVE BECAUSE NO ONE KNEW...!]
Yuri took a step back, feeling the door behind him again where the heel-picks of his blade-guards bumped against it.
[Riku was my whole world...] Asahi went on, tears falling from his eyes, [He took all the pain and devastation away that you left behind... He gave me the freedom to move on, to make something of myself in a life that didn't have you in it. He kept my secrets and was patient with me, even at his own expense... He gave me the time I needed to get over you. I don't know how much it hurt him to try and win me over, all the while knowing I was still thinking of you when we were together... But he was there, understanding, wanting to help...he said I was worth waiting for...and right as I realized I loved him for who he was, rather than for being your surrogate...he was ripped right out of my hands...]
[...I...had no idea. I'm sorry.]
[...Yeah...sure you are.] Asahi bristled, lowering his voice, [All this time, you didn't even know something happened. I got you that spot in the Tokyo Skate Club and you pissed-off into the sunset to Detroit anyway.] He growled, turning back to find his bag again, [I made so many excuses for you, trying to give some rational explanation to why you just left, to why you stopped answering my emails, and didn't take my calls... It was the time difference, or you were busy, or you saw my messages but then forgot to answer... It was just...desperate coping on my end, not wanting to admit that you never gave a damn about me.]
[That's not true, I-]
[You what?] Asahi cut him off, lifting one eye to look directly at the man, [You're going to try to say that I was your friend? Don't bother. I was just someone you knew. You had no love for me, no loyalty...it was easy to forget about me. I stayed in Juniors an extra year or two for you, and what's the thanks I get? Not even a goodbye.]
Yuri felt the daggers behind those words, [That's not fair. I never asked you to stay.]
[I STAYED BECAUSE I CARED ABOUT YOU.] Asahi yelled, [WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? I'M TELLING YOU TO YOUR FACE AND YOU'RE STILL NOT GETTING IT.]
[Maybe you're the one who doesn't understand.] Yuri retorted, [I was feeble back then. Weak. I let other people push me around and never spoke up for myself, and in the end, all I got was a knife in my chest. Every time I went back home, it was twisted, again and again. You say you cared about me back then...but really, to what extent? I can't even remember a single time you tried to console me. You were always so distant and aloof, like you were only listening because you had to. Maybe if you actually took the time to talk to me instead of at me...you'd know why I went to Detroit.]
[And you think that celebrity you've attached yourself to is listening?] Asahi jabbed, [How can you even be so certain that he isn't using you?]
Yuri was incredulous, becoming aware of his phone in his pocket again, [You were in here the entire time I was talking to Plisetsky! Viktor got himself kicked out of the RSF because of me! Do you think he would risk all that because of some pawn he's playing with!?]
[How would you know!? When you weren't crying over Yuko, you'd just fanboy over Viktor instead!] Asahi argued, [All those years I sat there listening to you wax poetic about how you wanted to skate on the same ice as him...you practically worshiped him! You'd empty out your bank account if he told you to! You'd...]
[I'd what?] Yuri asked angrily, having a sense about what the taunt would be, [Go on. Say it.]
Cool brown eyes lifted, staring out from under strands of black hair framed by teal, [How low will you go for someone like him? Someone so desperate for notoriety and fame that he'd fly all the way to Japan to coach the Sochi GP last-place finalist.]
[You're so jealous of Viktor that you're making him out to be a villain.]
Asahi snarled, [You can't think objectively about him! Even a dog thinks getting kicked is a good thing because at least someone is paying attention to it.]
[You're wrong.]
[He's using you.]
[YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT HIM.] Yuri yelled instead, taking a step forward, pointing at the older skater bitterly, [I admit, even I had to question why Viktor was actually around back in the beginning! I thought he was just using me as an excuse for why he's taking time off! But the longer he stayed, the less rational that seemed! He actually took interest in me! He wanted to know everything about me! If he were only in it for himself, then he wouldn't have tried so hard! He would've made it all about himself, but he never did!]
Asahi just shook his head, [You're infatuated with him. He could insult you to your face and you wouldn't have the heart to be mad at him for it.]
Yuri's confidence dropped, remembering the days of being called Kobuta-chan and how he never argued against it. He clenched his fists at his side and lowered his gaze to the floor.
[And now he's just turned you into a little Japanese version of himself. He took out everything that made you who you were and substituted it with his own brand of so-called 'charm.'] Asahi went on, drawing a breath, [...He got exactly what he wanted out of you. A self-styled minion who will worship him for years and never question him.] He too took a step closer, the tears drying up a bit even as the dark circles under his eyes remained, [I would never have tried to change you. I liked you the way you already were...and I would've protected you. I could've been good for you.]
His throat hurt, but Yuri didn't move a muscle for it. He could barely make out the image of Asahi's shoes coming into view as his eyes started to water, but the more those last words rattled around in his head, the more angry he felt about it. One more step closer, and Yuri found himself backing up slightly, but when he saw the shadow of an arm starting to reach for him, he lashed out, lifting his head and shoving his hands against his former rink-mate's chest to push him back, [Don't touch me! Don't EVER touch me!]
A stunned look answered those words and Asahi stumbled back a few paces.
[You're so caught-up on this idealized version of me that you keep locked up in your mind that you can't see who I really am!] Yuri snapped angrily, [You don't love me. You're in love with my flaws and depreciating self-loathing. You revel in my insecurity and mental weakness. The Asahi I remember never helped me grow because it was better that I stayed feeble. YOU WOULD'VE BEEN TERRIBLE FOR ME.]
[Yuri-]
[YOU WOULD HAVE KEPT ME IN A CAGE.]
[That's not-]
[JUST SHUT UP.] Yuri barked again, trying to hold his tears in as he stared ahead in a fury, [You've known me all these years, but you really don't know anything about who I really am. Maybe you just heaped your own personality deficits on me too, all the privacy and secrecy that made it so I never noticed how you felt... Maybe that stopped you from seeing anything that wasn't absurdly superficial. You saw what you wanted to see, not what was really there.]
Asahi stayed quiet that time.
[But Viktor wanted to know. He wanted to know my weaknesses and my strengths, and in the end, for all that he was coaching me in my skating...he really just helped me learn to like myself. He never wanted to change me, like you accuse him of doing...he just helped bring out what he already knew was there! Hidden under the surface, hidden behind all my anxiety and crippling self-doubt!] Yuri took another step forward, forcing Asahi back a pace, [I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin as I do now that he's by my side! Maybe that's why I stopped answering you after I left! Some part of me, deep down, knew you were just holding me back.] He stared forward defiantly, looking on so sharply that it was starting to cut deep into Asahi's psyche, [And while I am deeply sorry for your loss, Asahi...I can't keep feeling bad for leaving you behind. When I first realized you were going to be here, I had this sinking feeling that something bad would happen... Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it would get like this though. But Viktor saw in 5 minutes what I didn't see in nearly a decade...and I'm tired of making him feel bad because I'm trying not to hurt you. He's my husband...he means more to me than anything else!]
"Tsh..."
[DON'T SCOFF AT ME.] Yuri barked, fists clenched angrily, [I've been defending you from his criticisms since yesterday. He didn't even want me talking to you! He's probably going to be pissed at me when he finds out about this conversation! Does that make you happy!? To know that him and I are probably going to be fighting about this later!?]
[...Of course not...] Asahi muttered under his breath, [I didn't even want to have this conversation. You're the one who forced it to happen.]
Yuri's eyes narrowed slightly, [Viktor and I have had a really emotionally draining season so far. Knowing you're back...knowing you're this good...I have no doubt the JSF will be sending you to Four Continents, the Olympics, and Worlds after that. I wanted to nip this in the bud before it could get any worse, because I don't want to know in advance that my weekend is going to be terrible because of you skulking around in the shadows.] He explained, voice quieter than before, [I'm not even sure why you're clinging to the idea of me when it's been such a long time. You said that other guy helped you get over me, too...you should act like it!]
Asahi was taken aback by that statement, and he stepped against the wall, turning his head away, [...This isn't something I'm doing on purpose. If we could all choose how we felt, I never would've let myself fall for you in the first place. Being like this...feeling like this...it's horrible.]
Yuri's brow furrowed, [Yeah...I know what it's like to have a thing for someone who's not available or interested. Viktor helped me get over it.]
[It's not that easy! You still HAVE Viktor. How would you feel if you lost him!?]
[...It would devastate me. I don't know that I could keep going without him.] He answered quietly. He raised his right hand and pressed his fingers lightly to the faint lines of his nearly-healed injuries, [When I got hurt before the Final, Viktor thought he lost me. I was unconscious for hours. The doctors were telling him that even if I woke up, I might not be the same...that I might have amnesia, I might not even know who he is...or my personality might change. We already had a scare about me forgetting about us at Worlds last year. I was so nervous about skating against Viktor that I didn't hydrate, and then I passed out after my Free Skate...when I came to, I thought I was back in Sochi... Everything that had happened between us just vanished from my mind. For a while, I couldn't understand why Viktor was so upset. To my mind, he barely knew I existed, and we weren't even friends...but then I saw my ring, and my memory came back. So...] He looked at that gold band as he lowered his arm again, stuffing both hands into his jacket pockets, [...I've had to see that look of despair in Viktor's eyes twice in the last year alone... I don't know that I could handle it if he did the same to me even once.]
[...I'll never get to feel the relief of Riku coming back to me.] Asahi said quietly, staring down at the floor again where he leaned against the wall, [I'll never get to hear the audience crying out a cute nickname about us like they do for you...there will never be chants of Asahiku like there are for Viktuuri.] He could feel his heart clenching again like before, and it spread up into his neck and head, [He's just gone...forever. And no one even knew who we were together before he was taken away.]
Yuri started to feel a little guilty then, [I know.]
[...These past two years...I've felt so empty.] Asahi went on, his neck straining and tightening into a painful knot as he spoke, [...After I won Gold at that Nationals competition, we were going to go to Kyoto to celebrate with my family. Riku had finally won me over, and I was trying to work up the nerve to tell people...about us...about me...about this person who I'd been suppressing for so long because of how much it shamed me to admit what I was.]
[There's nothing to be ashamed of. I've...had to stand up to people who disapproved of Viktor and I, too.]
[I wasn't ready.] He explained, [And right at the moment where I was finally going to take that leap...Riku was gone.] Asahi snuffled and rubbed his nose again, [The accident...the car that hit us...Riku was shaken by the impact so violently that it ripped him up inside. When I got out of the debris...and found him...I couldn't even find anything wrong...] The tears were flowing again, and he slid back down the wall to sitting, his legs giving out under him. He saw the shadow of Yuri's frame moving down as well, crouching down on a knee to stay at the same level, [The last thing he said to me was that his chest hurt. His eyes rolled a bit, and I begged him to wake up, to stay with me...but he was gone... I held him in the shrapnel of that accident for what felt like years. The paramedics that came had to pull me off of him so they could tell me what I already knew. But then our coach was pulled out of the wreck, and I suddenly felt numb... He reminded me of all the years I kept my feelings to myself, and the weeks that Riku and I had been together in secret... My tears dried up and I couldn't cry anymore. The last time I saw Riku was watching the paramedics put him into the helicopter and fly him away. He was just...gone...and since no one knew about us, no one knew how much it hurt for me to lose him. He was...just a friend...just a rink-mate...]
[So you never got to grieve for him the way you needed to so you could move on...]
[...I think there was a part of me that took refuge in no one knowing. It was...easier to pretend we never were. I forced myself to forget about what we had, because it didn't hurt as much to be alone.]
Yuri sank back, sliding down from where he'd taken a knee, and crossed his legs instead, [...And that just made you forget about what he'd done to help you, too.]
Asahi nodded reluctantly behind his knees, crossing his arms in front of his face again to hide himself.
[You're not in love with me, Asahi.] Yuri explained, [You need to let yourself grieve for Riku. I don't think he'd want you to forget what you had together. He worked so hard to win your love, he'd probably be heartbroken if he knew you'd tried to pretend he hadn't.]
[...Probably...]
Yuri hesitated a moment before saying anything else, sighing a breath under the weight of the conversation, [...I don't know if it's my place to try and help you with any of this. I don't know if I even can. I do know that it can be comforting to fall back into familiar memories, the ones that don't hurt...but the past is behind us both. We've all grown and become different people because of what we've been through...the good and the bad. Maybe just the fact that you've finally told someone about who Riku was to you, it'll help you start to recover from that trauma... Coach Nagisa can probably help you, too. She's known you longer than I have.]
Asahi nodded reluctantly, pulling one hand down to rub his face. His eyes were red, but he managed to lift his gaze, looking straight at the man in front of him, [...I came here to start over...to get a fresh start... I never imagined I'd leave this place realizing exactly how much I've lost instead...]
[I didn't mean it like th-]
It happened faster than Yuri could've anticipated. Asahi twisted around in an attempt to stand, but instead of grabbing his backpack, he leaned forward on one knee, both hands grasping to each of Yuri's upper arms to hold him in place. His lips felt cold, and the kiss seemed unending to Yuri's mind, eyes open wide in shock. He managed to get his forearms and hands to move, but he was pinned down well enough that he couldn't do anything. When Asahi finally let him go again, Yuri was paralyzed where he sat, staring forward into the empty space the older skater once occupied at the base of the wall.
[Goodbye, Yuri.]
He heard the sound of shoes tapping the floor, the door opening, and then swinging shut again, then the quiet, subtle rumble of the audience through the floor. It took a moment for him to remember to breathe, but even then, all he could do was roll down onto his back, then onto his side, choking in a few gasps of air as he brought his hands up to cover his mouth and nose. His eyes clenched shut, but as he turned, he heard his phone fall out of his pocket, landing on an edge on the thin carpet. Eyes opened to see that he'd missed several text messages.
8:14pm
[Hey my interview's done. Where'd you go? ;) ]
[Are you still talking to Yurio?]
8:17pm
[Must be REALLY important if you turned your phone to silent to talk to him ;p ]
8:26pm
[YURI (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻]
[Heh...this Japanese keyboard has a button just for funny text-based faces.]
8:29pm
[...Srsly tho where are you?]
Viktor...
Yuri pushed up to sitting again, frantically trying to rub his mouth onto the sleeve of his coat. It didn't feel like it helped though.
He really shouldn't have done that...stupid Asahi...! That was the most selfish thing he's ever done! How am I supposed to explain this!? Viktor's going to kill me!
He twisted around and pressed his back to the wall, hands shaking as he stared at his knees. In a burst of anger, he swung his hand back and punched the wall with the side of his fist, "BAKA ASAHI." Both his arms came back in front of himself after that, elbows propped up on his knees as he bent his head down, hands practically gripping at his hair. He barely had a few seconds to cringe before he heard the door being pushed open again, and a few voices that followed.
They cut off rather quickly though, likely from having suddenly seen him sitting on the floor like he was.
"...Yuri-kun...?"
Minami's voice made everything even worse, and Yuri recoiled into himself.
"Yuri-kun!"
"What happened...?" Someone else asked.
Yuri wasn't sure who the voice belonged to. It didn't matter. Viktor wasn't with them. He could feel the petite skater come up and crouch before him though, nervously putting a hand on his right shoulder.
"...Are you okay? Why are you in here on your own like this?" Minami asked, not hearing an answer, "...Just wait a minute, I'll go get Viktor. I think saw him a minute ago."
The group seemed to follow Minami's lead and left with him, none wanting to wait in the mire of the tension they sensed. Yuri hardly wanted to be found in that state though, and he forced himself up, stuffing his phone back into his pocket as he reached for the door handle. The hall beyond it was empty somehow, and he made a hard right to find the doors that lead to the prep area. He pushed through them so fast that he nearly knocked the door right into his unseen partner's face. The surprise made him jump nearly out of his skin, and he was greeted by the shrieks of several other surprised people on the other side, too, "V-Viktor!"
"...Ohgoodthereyouare..." The Russian stammered, eyes swirling from the shock of both the loud noise and the door swinging at him suddenly. He raised his hands up to fan himself for a moment and regain his bearings, but before he could even shake his head and open his eyes, Yuri was glomped onto his chest, arms around his sides and clinging tightly, "...Oh...Yuri? ...Minami said you looked upset about something. Was it bad news?"
He'd almost completely forgotten about the conversation with Yurio already, and he pulled back slightly, staring forward at his husband's jacket rather than looking up at his face, "...Uhm... Y-Yurio...told me why the RSF really let you go."
"...Why they really let me go?" Viktor echoed skeptically, "As if the medal wasn't reason enough?"
"...H-he said it...was because of me. The RSF thinks I ruined you." Yuri went on, trying to even remember what the teen had told him, "...What happened at the Final was...just a convenient cover-story..."
"Their loss." The Russian said dismissively, "And Japan's gain."
"...Yeah..." Yuri tepidly agreed, "Apparently your father is with the gang in Moscow. We should call and brag about this...right? He did suggest I be a weapon for you... He'll probably think this is great."
"Papa's at Russian Nationals...?" Viktor repeated, almost disbelieving it, "I guess Yurio convinced him?"
"...Maybe."
The silver legend tilted his head back and to the side a bit, trying to get a better look at his spouse's face. He pulled one hand free from where he'd returned the sudden hug, and slid a finger under the man's chin, getting those eyes to look up, "You look a bit rough around the edges, my love. Your words sound proud of this, but your face says you're not that impressed."
"...Oh...uhm... I...guess it's just a lot to take in. I joked to myself last year that I wanted everyone to hate me for taking up all of your time and attention...but now that they actually do...maybe I'm getting cold feet."
"I'm a part of the JSF with you now," Viktor explained, smiling, "Let them hate us both."
"But what if we have to go to Russia next year for a competition? Will we be in danger...?"
"What? No..." He reassured, moving his hand from the man's chin to stroke his hair instead, "If anything happened to either of us it would be a really big problem. The way my papa reacted to the news about me being sanctioned, I could almost see him coming to our events just to make sure nothing happens." He made a funny face then, "Isn't this an interesting turn of events? Everything's all topsy-turvy with my father now."
"...Yeah..."
Viktor grimaced at that, seeing his partner's eyes go aside nervously. He brought his hand back and cupped it against the younger figure's cheek, and leaned down, only to find Yuri pulling his head back and buried his face back into the white Olympic jacket, leaving Viktor rather stunned.
...What was that for? He was just saying half an hour ago that he wanted to mess around after my SP...now he doesn't want to kiss me at all...?
He felt where his husband's arms were clinging around him, hands clawing to hold to the back of his jacket. Something about it didn't feel right. For the moment though, it didn't seem like a good spot to question things. He could see the other skaters who'd gone looking for him standing on the edges of his periphery. For the moment then, he decided to just return the hug again.
...I'll just watch over him for now. He'll tell me the rest in his own time.