CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED SIXTY SEVEN
The Ladies event wrapped up cleanly, with the three winners getting their medals, and skating 'round the rink for their victory lap. As expected, the two women who had already been selected for the Olympic team were part of that evening's podium line-up, leaving the third to nervously wait until the Men's event was over before she'd know if she'd gotten the 5th and last Team Japan spot.
One of the other hopefuls was watching from the audience, but the wait for him was even more intense. Not only would he have to wait until the end of the Men's event to find out if he'd gotten the spot, he'd have to wait until the end of the Men's event just to skate. Asahi kept his head down, and covered, from where he watched. The only truly recognizable thing about him were the two teal tails of hair that hung from the front and sides of his face. With the rest of his hair covered by a hoodie though, it wasn't easy to tell if he was truly himself, or just a fan that adopted his style, and he was able to watch the event unbothered.
As the Ladies made their way to rink-side, Asahi pulled his phone out, checking both the time, and to see if any messages or phone-calls had come through that he'd somehow missed. It was nearly 6:00pm by then, and nothing new had turned up in his inbox, which gave him a feeling of relief, though it was still tainted by the anxiety of not being completely sure.
He nearly jumped out of his skin though when his phone beeped anyway, right as he lifted his eyes to look away and put it back. It was a text from his coach, asking if anything had come up. He thumbed back that he'd heard nothing.
[I think it's safe to say, then, that you're in the clear.]
Asahi looked at the words for a moment, looking down at the ice as a Zamboni was coming out to resurface it before the Men's practice period could begin. His eyes turned back down to the screen, and he typed, [Yeah, I guess so.]
[Are you still in the audience?] Sayoko wondered.
[Yeah.]
[You should come back and eat something so you have time to let it settle before you skate. You haven't eaten since this morning.]
[I know. I haven't had an appetite.]
[Then what are you waiting for?]
[I guess I just want the first Men's group to go out.] He answered hesitantly, [The JSF wouldn't wait until it's practically my turn to tell me I'm not skating, right? My name is still on the list for the moment...]
[I think they would've called you hours ago if they were going to pull you at all. They wouldn't embarrass you with waiting until you're here just to tell you to leave.]
[Come down and eat something. It'll be 2 hours before you can do your FP anyway. You don't need to take unnecessary risks on getting food-cramps or nausea in the middle of your show.]
[...Alright... I'm coming...] He answered, clicking his phone off and pushing up from his seat. He nudged past the knees of a few other spectators before arriving at the stairs that lead down, and only then pulled the hood back, stepping towards the railing on the lower level. He could hear the confused and surprised whispers of people behind him, realizing who he was and that he'd been sitting with them the entire time, but he didn't stop to look back at them. Instead, he just stepped up to that banister and curled his fingers around it, looking across the ice as the Zamboni went by, leaving a slick shine in its wake where hot water had been sprayed to fill in the cracks left by the previous event. What was once dull and frosty, streaked with scratches and toe-pick dust, was left shimmering and lustrous like a frozen mirror.
A familiar voice suddenly caught his ear as someone by rink-side laughed, and Asahi turned to spot Yuri and Viktor with their backs to him, stepping back towards the curtain. Viktor had been the one to think something was funny, but to Asahi's relief, the Russian didn't see him, and he stepped away from the railing to leave the stands, a nervous flutter in his gut.
Irony being what it was, Minako spotted the black and green chicken-butt hairdo moments before it disappeared under the stands. Acting more on instinct than rational thought, she found herself moving on auto-pilot, and rose up from her seat to go after the skater. There were a few other fans who'd had the same idea, but they paused near the bottom of the stairs, where she spotted that they had caught the man's attention. Minako backed up quickly and out of sight again, watching quietly as the small group got their autographs and photos, and let the skater leave. She followed quietly, weaving through the small group, making sure not to lose sight of the man, or get caught by him.
That was nearly impossible though. Asahi had barely made it to the main hall around the underside of the arena before he'd stopped and was staring right at her, forcing Minako to flail and yelp in surprise. She covered her mouth and steadied herself so she wouldn't fall, but those eyes were still on her.
[...What do you want? Why are you following me? Haven't you done enough?]
The ballerina pulled her hands away, and raised them defensively, [Ahhh...sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm not even entirely sure why I came after you either...I just saw you in the lower rows and kind of started walking without even thinking.] She explained, though not really. Asahi was clearly skeptical of her motives, so Minako tried to relax and reaffirm that she was harmless, [I guess I just wanted to see how you were holding up. Even I wasn't sure what Yuri would do...but if you're here, then it means he didn't do anything.]
Asahi looked around the small connecting-hall, checking for any nearby ears, but then closed his eyes briefly and shook his head, [I haven't heard anything until now, anyway. My coach hasn't either.]
[Well, that's good then.] Minako nodded, [I'm looking forward to seeing your show. I hope you get picked for the Olympic team.]
The skater cocked a brow at that, [...Why? Haven't I caused enough problems for all of you? Being in PyeongChang would just start it all up again.]
[I don't think so.] The ballerina shrugged, [Yuri may be a worry-wart, but this is a done-deal to Viktor.]
Asahi turned towards the exit, ears caught by the sound of a few people coming through the entry way as they made their way up to the seating area. A handful of them recognized the skater and were surprised to see him, but they were quickly pushed through by those who'd spotted Minako, thinking it was probably not the best time to be excitable. The older woman just kept her eyes on Asahi, taking a few steps towards him as the spectators passed by them both.
[I'm really not sure why you care so much.] He said quietly, [What I did obviously hurt Yuri a lot more than I meant it to.]
[And I saw that Yuri wasn't the only one who was hurting.] She answered simply, keeping her voice low as well, [Yuri is the son of a life-long friend of mine. That's why I was at the meeting this morning with Viktor...I'm not just some weird fan that follows them around.]
[I got that.]
[I guess I just wanted to say that I understand where you were coming from, given what you said to us. Life around those two can be complicated, but you're also not the first person to turn up from either of their pasts that had unresolved feelings for one of them.] Minako said, putting her hands into her coat pockets and standing more casually, [And they're not perfect people either. The last thing Yuri ever wanted to do was hurt anyone, so he's still reeling a bit from what happened between you two yesterday. Even though a lot changed in his life since the last time either of you really spoke to each other, I guess he didn't expect that you changed, too. I really don't think he expected that conversation yesterday to be what it was, and he feels terrible for having trapped you.]
The skater stayed quiet for a while after that. He just turned on a heel and started stepping off, though the fact that he hadn't made any effort to tell Minako not to follow meant that she did, keeping pace with him wordlessly. She followed him right into the prep area, even waiting in line with him as he found the lunch-dinner he'd told his coach he would find for himself. It wasn't anything substantial though, just a bunch of snacks and a bottle of juice.
By the time Asahi had found somewhere to sit, the warm-up period for the first group had already finished, and the very first skater of the Free Program was being called out. Minako pulled a steel chair from nearby and set it close to the small round table, sitting across from the younger man.
It's weird that he hasn't said a word in the last few minutes. I wonder if this is what Yuri meant when he said it seemed like Asahi never really paid much attention? He's definitely not much of a conversationalist...
[So tell me about him.] She tried, re-breaking the ice, [About Riku.]
Asahi kept his eyes down, [...I've been trying to figure out how to do that for two years.]
[How come?]
He shrugged, [I guess...I never expected anyone to ask me. But in the off chance someone, one day, did...I had a bunch of different little pre-planned explanations, depending on who it was.]
[Which one would you tell me?]
[I'm waffling between the story about how we were good friends, and the one about how we were rink-mates.]
[You don't have one to tell about how you were involved?] Minako wondered curiously.
He shook his head, bringing up the mouthpiece of the drink up to his lip, [It was never a story I thought I'd tell, even if someone asked about him. I never really let anyone ask questions like that anyway.]
[What about the story you were going to tell in Kyoto?]
That gave the skater pause, and he pulled the bottle away again, setting it down on the small tabletop, [...He really laid it all out, didn't he.] He grumbled, half-deadpanning the woman sitting across from him. Asahi sighed and sat back, looking around the area nervously, and making a mental note about how close or distant other people were in the immediate area. Music out in the main part of the arena was easily drowning out most other conversations, but being in such a public space made it nerve-wracking. He tapped a finger on the edge of the table, unsure what to say, but then leveled a look at the woman, [Why should I even say anything? Were you set up to do this?]
[Set up?] Minako echoed, laughing once, [No one set me up. I just saw you pull your hood off and felt compelled to go after you. You're not the first or only person to be at the receiving end of one of Viktor's bad moods. I was caught in the crossfire just two weeks ago. Viktor had been really stressed out by Yuri's accident, and a bunch of petty little things were starting to snowball into something that was getting out of control. He rather publicly called out a list of people who'd been causing him grief, one of whom was his own uncle.]
[But not you.]
[Not specifically, no.] She shrugged her shoulders up a little, and stretched her legs out, crossing her ankles, [But I...was engaged to that uncle.] She explained, a bit more hesitant than before, but reached into her jacket to pull up the necklace where the silver-white engagement ring still hung, [I still was, in that moment, and some of the things Viktor said made me think. I ended up calling it off later that night. Things still haven't settled down...so I completely understand if Viktor's words sting for a while.]
[Viktor doesn't mean anything to me.] Asahi said simply, looking at her evenly, [I'm singularly upset at the fact that Yuri took what I did so badly. I thought...he'd just take what I did at face value and then forget it ever happened.]
[That's impossible. He would've taken it badly regardless of his personal circumstances.] Minako pointed out, [He's an emotional pack-rat...hoarding everything in his head until it bubbles over into a panic that he can't control anymore. I don't think I've ever seen him have an attack so severe that he'd passed out from it though, at least not until last night, when Viktor had to carry him to the medic's station.]
The skater lowered his head, brow furrowed with guilt.
[It was right in the middle of someone's show, too, so I can only imagine how the guy on the ice felt when the audience was suddenly making a lot of noise out of worry and confusion, eyes on them rather than him.] She went on, only to lean forward and park her elbows on the edge of the table just like the man in front of her, [I know you think Viktor's only in it for himself...but I can assure you, there are only two things in this world that Viktor cares about more than skating...and that's his dog back home, and Yuri. I don't know what else Viktor can do to prove his love and loyalty than getting kicked out of the Russian Skating Federation because of it. That was his whole life for years, and he wouldn't even tell anyone about what happened until after Yuri's big 'welcome home' celebration after taking Gold at the Grand Prix. Yuri is his whole world, and he didn't want to ruin the night by taking the focus away.]
[That just doesn't make sense.] Asahi growled, reaching his hands up to ruffle his hair in confusion, feeling the edge of a frustration-headache settling in, [Of all the people in the world that Viktor could pick, why Yuri?]
[Why not Yuri?]
That made the skater go quiet for a moment, shaking his head where he still held it in his hands, [...It just...seems like a cruel joke at my expense...] He sighed, lowering his hands again to wedge them protectively under his arms, [I wanted him for so long, never making a move because I thought he'd be repulsed by my advances. Maybe I could accept it if Yuri had turned up married to some woman he'd met...but Viktor Nikiforov? Why am I the only person who finds that so utterly impossible and ridiculous?]
[It's like I said earlier today...it took Viktor the better part of a year to convince Yuri to go out with him.] Minako explained, raising one hand up to rest her jaw in the palm, looking forward more casually, [So it's not like Viktor just showed up and Yuri just immediately fell into his waiting arms or anything. There's more nuance than that... Yuri and I both thought for a long time that Viktor was just using the coaching thing as an excuse for why he was taking time away from competition. Turns out, it was actually an excuse Viktor used to get closer to Yuri. He was also starting to get a bit worried about his dog's age, and how much time he was away from home. So he packed up Makkachin and flew to Japan...and Viktor got to be with the both of them.]
It was still a lot to process. Asahi struggled to wrap his mind around it all.
[If you knew about some of the things those boys have been through over the last year, there'd be no doubt in your mind that they're devoted to each other. I know it seems strange, considering the way they both were before that, but they really do bring out the best in one another. Viktor even gave up his Gold in Detroit for Yuri.]
Asahi raised his face a little, looking confused, [You said Yuri won it.]
[It's his officially, yes. The record will reflect that event as though Viktor never competed, but he did. It's just...Viktor was so impressed by Yuri's determination to try and win it in spite of the accident, that when Yuri ended up getting Silver, Viktor decided to step down, so he could award Yuri with the Gold himself. ...The bunch of us joked at one point that Viktor was like a Russian dragon, hoarding all the Gold medals to himself...so the fact that he gave up both his GP Final Gold and his place in the RSF for Yuri's sake...can you really imagine the selfish, self-centered Viktor in your imagination giving anything up for anyone?]
He shook his head lightly and looked down again, bringing his hands up together under his nose, elbows staying on the table.
[It's not a failure on your part that Yuri ended up with Viktor in the end, Asahi.] Minako explained, daring to reach her free hand forward to set it gently over one of the skater's forearms, [You and him just weren't meant to be. Which is why I want you to tell me about Riku...it seems like he meant a lot to you.]
That earned a nod.
[Everything I know right now comes from Yuri though...I'd like to hear about him from you, if you're willing to share.] Minako added, feeling a subtle tremble even through the thick layers of the man's cold-temperature gear, [How did you meet?]
Asahi swallowed nervously, drew in a breath, and cleared his throat, [...He...joined the Tokyo Skate Club a while after I did. He knew of me, and kind of became my shadow; always wanting to practice at the same time as me, even though there were multiple sessions...always following me around. He...actually kind of annoyed me at first. He was really nosey, and kind of blunt...but I saw how everyone else reacted well to that kind of thing. He was friendly with practically everyone...but there was something about me that caught his attention more than the rest. He kind of zeroed in on me, like I was some project he took on. I even had the naïve idea once to try and use Yuri's methods to try and dissuade him; talking about something to make it seem like there was no room in my heart or mind for anything else. But he...saw right through it, and instead of getting discouraged, he got angry about it. That anger only fueled his determination. I wouldn't be the only person he didn't get what he wanted from.]
[Ah...so he's the one who made the first move.] Minako surmised.
[Yeah...you could say it like that.]
[What would you call it?]
[A stern talking-to.]
[Do tell.] She mused, keenly curious.
Asahi thought back...the memory was fresh in his mind after the Short Program. All of it was. He drew another quick breath to gather his nerves, [Most everyone had left the Club compound for the weekend...it was Skate Canada two years ago. Those who weren't at the event were taking time off. But...I had no reason to leave, and Riku found out, so he stayed to keep me company. We were watching the Free Program...Viktor had won Gold like he always does, and Yuri had taken Silver, putting him and Viktor on the podium together.]
[Ah yeah, I remember watching that event. The look on Yuri's face when he got called onto the ice and stepped up next to Viktor was priceless. The hand-shake Viktor gave him after was great, too.] Minako recalled fondly, [I'm sure his Detroit friends never let him hear the end of it.]
[...Probably...] Asahi nodded, but didn't let his mind linger on the thought, [I had grumbled something similar at the time...and Riku pointed out that he thought I had feelings for Yuri. It turned into something of an argument where I refused to admit it, and he kept taking my denials as confirmation...it really kind of made me mad. But then he said something that'll stick with me forever...]
[What's that?]
[He said I talked about Yuri with a tone in my voice like I was a widower.] He explained, feeling a soreness starting to cramp in his throat, [I remember exactly how he said it when I asked what he meant... He said, it's 'the person left behind when one half of a married couple dies. They get stuck in the past, never wanting to move forward, because doing so is like admitting that loved one is gone forever.' To hear it like that...it really kind of jarred everything loose in my head that had been welded in place for so long. I didn't want to admit that Yuri and I would never have anything, because it hurt too much to think it was over before anything ever began.]
[Yeah...unrequited love can be hard to deal with. At least Yuri wasn't there to rub it in without even knowing.] Minako suggested.
[...I guess so.] Asahi sighed quietly, pulling his hands down to his lap, and lowered his face down again, [Riku argued his case after that, and basically suggested this ludicrous idea that 'if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.' He thought he could win me over if I just let him try, and said that if nothing else, maybe being with him for a while might help me get over Yuri, and get on with my life. So I agreed... Part of me had been wanting to get it over with for so long anyway. To let Riku start things, it didn't feel like it was my fault that things didn't work out...or that I was giving up on Yuri. I was just letting him go. It...was better that way.]
[And it worked?]
Asahi nodded, [It took a long time, but...in the end...yeah. I couldn't stand to be open about us though. I was...still so ashamed of it, of myself, that I couldn't bear to let anyone know.]
[What were you so ashamed of?]
[Everything...] He sighed, reaching one hand up to rub an eye against the underside of his wrist, [...Everyone I ever knew growing up was really...] He struggled to find the right word amidst the growing knot in his throat, [...Conservative? Old fashioned... That there was an order to things, and a reason for why things are the way they are. That there's a reason why people are man and woman, and that each had their role to play, and we should be grateful for it.]
[Hmmmm...] Minako started, [Your family would disapprove of me then, too.]
[...Why?] Asahi raised his head up nervously.
[I'm old enough to be your mom, but in all my life, I never fulfilled the supposed purpose I was made for, following your family's logic. Never became a wife, or a home-maker, or a mother. My kids were always someone else's kids, even Yuri. I had things that I wanted to do, and all the rest of that stuff would only get in the way or hold me back.] She answered quietly, raising her hands to lace her fingers together, looking on at the skater over them, [Was Riku the first person you were ever with?]
[...The first guy...] He explained apprehensively, [I tried to please my family by letting them arrange things with girls they approved of. I have three older brothers who are all married and successful...but then there's me, the baby brother with nothing to be proud of and nothing to show for all the time I wasted. But things with me never worked out with those girls, and I just devoted myself to my sport, hoping they'd just leave me alone. I think they gave up eventually. They let me do my skating and focused all their energy on what my brothers are doing. I could be the secret family shame that no one ever had to acknowledge, because I was almost never around. Staying back in Juniors for Yuri...was especially hard...because I wanted to get out of Imari and away from all that stress, but I didn't want to leave him. When I couldn't take it anymore, I went to Tokyo, but I swore I'd get Yuri a place there so he could move up to Seniors with me. It...was devastating, when I went back and found out he'd already left...gone to Detroit without a word.]
[Hm...]
[Being in Tokyo made things a lot better...] Asahi explained, [It's probably the only reason I ever accepted Riku's offer. It...felt like freedom... I wasn't being watched all the time, and no one cared what I did. So when Riku came along...and after that first time...it was more than just getting over Yuri. It was like I could be myself for once.]
[So all the stuff about you being super private and never asking too much about others...?]
[A side effect of being a shame to my family. I didn't want anyone else to be dragged into it, so I never told anyone anything. In all these years...you're the first person I've ever admitted all this to.] He answered, keeping his eyes down, [I'm not even sure why I'm saying anything. Maybe I'm surrendering... I have nothing left to lose. I've already lost everything I ever cared about. What's my dignity, too?] He reached his hand up again to rub his nose on a sleeve, [I'm just so numb...and what isn't numb is hurting...]
Minako watched the skater for a moment, unsure how to respond at first. There was one thing she still wanted to ask though, and she dared to voice the words, [Yuri said that after Riku died, you shut yourself down, and never let yourself grieve for him. Have you ever gone to his grave?]
Asahi shook his head, [I feel bad saying it now, but...I cut him out of my life and put myself into something of an exile. I went back to live with my parents for a while, to recover from the accident...but Imari is clear across the country from where Riku's ashes were laid to rest. He's from Wakkanai.]
[Oh...wow... That's as far north as Japan goes before it's Russia.]
[...Yeah.]
[I guess it's a bit out of the way, but...maybe you could go after Nationals.] Minako suggested, [The accident happened almost 2 years ago to the day, now...]
[...I don't...know where his grave is...] Asahi explained, the knot in his throat becoming quite painful then, [...I'm...not sure I'd ever find him...]
[What about Riku's family? Maybe they can help.] She wondered, [You...don't even have to tell them anything beyond the fact that you and him were friends, if you don't want.]
[...Y-yeah...]
[You need closure, Asahi.] Minako went on, [This whole thing is torturing you. Paying your respects would do a lot of good, I think. Riku's spirit would be glad to see you make that journey.]
He managed a nod, but wasn't sure if he was just acknowledging her words or agreeing to carry out the task.
Minako seemed to think along the same lines, and rose up from her seat, stepping around the small table to set a hand on the back of one shoulder, [Gather up your stuff and come sit with me for a while. I don't want you to be alone.]
[...What...what if they see me with you...? Won't that make them mad?]
She just smiled at that, [I'm a big girl and I do what I want...and I want you to sit with me to watch the Men's Free Program, at least until after Yuri's done. That'll leave you about 20 minutes before your turn. Okay?]
He just blinked up at her in confusion, but for lack of any come-backs or excuses, nodded again and did as she said; he picked up the few snacks he'd bought, and the juice bottle, and followed the ballerina back into the audience.