CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY THREE
Viktor looked out to the audience with a sense of envy; their cheering and excitement coming forward in such stark contrast to his worry. Leaning against the upper ledge of the blue-lined wall, he couldn't help but nervously tap the toe of one blade-guard against the base, barely loud enough for even him to hear, but causing enough of a jolt for him to feel that it kept him grounded in the moment.
I really thought I was getting better at making Yuri feel better and calm down again after random bouts of his anxiety. I guess I'm still as awful as I was last year, suggesting I'd leave him if he didn't get on the podium at his first big event back in the saddle...
He sighed, groaned quietly, and lowered his head over his folded arms. The cheering waned all around as the audience settled to wait for the music to start.
It really is pathetic how much worse I can make it while I'm trying to make it better... I wish there was a book on how to handle this sort of thing... Yuri...
Eyes lifted, just as the low introductory hum of the song began.
I'm so sorry I'm not better at all this...
['Heroes' - Generdyn Music]
Yuri did his best to focus, paying close attention to the sound of his blades scratching on the ice as he moved, pushing off to glide forward with his head still bowed and eyes closed. He knew every inch of a standard rink, but skating blind was still nerve-wracking...it served him well enough, making him pay attention to himself rather than the echo-chamber in his head.
His arms came up slowly as the music grew louder, wrists slightly bent and palms down, face slowly coming up as the lyrics joined in.
I can hear the lost crying,
Hands were up at their apex just before the boom, and were quickly retracted to the man's sides, his left toe-pick digging down at the same time to stop him in place. The right hand went up behind himself himself as the lyric carried forward, left hand rising in front, head tilted down again as he 'bowed' towards his palm.
I can hear the truth hiding, hiding.
Arms switched positions, the left going behind as the right came ahead, setting that hand close to his ear. He shifted his weight forward again, dragging the toe-pick across the frost in a circle around himself, then meandered backward in a wider arc, finally stepping out of the JSF logo's perimeter.
Yeah the shadows are calling us out,
Picking up just enough speed, Yuri crouched down over one blade, dragging the other just over the ice as he hydrobladed, left hand out to the side as he pulled a single finger along the cold.
I see the fear rising.
Back up to his full height, he kept on moving with that same blade down, twizzling forward thrice before setting the second gold blade down again, thrusting his arm out on the next boom.
Yeah when hope is burning, the shadows are calling us out.
Yuri twisted through a 3-turn to put himself backward again, moving through cross-overs past the short end of the rink, building up speed, arms extended. On the last steps through the curve, Yuri nervously dipped onto the inside edge of his left skate, right set slightly behind it with his legs crossed, knees deeply bent.
It's feeling like the sun's hiding,
He vaulted into the back-spin, feeling the air flying by him through the four spins...but the ice came up at him too quickly anyway, and the jolt of tripping off his landing-blade and hitting the frost on the point of his ischium sent a shock of pain through his whole body. He gasped as the wind was knocked out of him, but hoisted himself up with the momentum that remained from the corpse of his failed quad Loop, getting back on his feet before he lost time.
Damnit...! EVERYONE, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
But we're gonna keep moving, surviving...
Viktor looked on, but did so through his fingers, both hands pressed up over his face. The triple-Lutz, triple-Loop jump-combo that came up next didn't end up in a fall like the quad that preceded it, but he could see that it would lose marks for poor execution.
Come on, Yuri... Push through it... You've clawed your way back from worse...!
No we won't go quiet tonight, stand up and shout louder.
The step sequence didn't come with much risk of falling, but most of the audience was still reeling. Minako blinked in surprise over the top of her phone, keeping her view-finder on the ice. Next to her, she tried to see how Asahi was reacting, but all she saw was how the man was leaned down against the railing on his elbows, one hand up to cover his mouth, one finger curling over his nose.
I wonder if he's trying not to give away how he feels about this...?
She looked up towards his eyes, but his brow was impossible to see through his bangs. If he was scowling or frowning, or even worried, the ballerina simply couldn't tell.
Oh no, no, we won't be silent, the shadows are calling us out...
Yuri pressed through the end of his step-sequence, moving through a double-outside-forward twizzle, then holding still through the exit; arms extended, gliding forward towards the center of the rink as the music faded out overhead briefly.
We are heroes
Arms swung around, and Yuri tossed himself horizontally for the flying-entry of his first required spin.
For a split second, his heart was in his throat, feeling his leg and ankle jiggle as he landed. The imagery of him falling from a camel spin entry flashed in his mind, followed by the feeling of humiliation for having to abandon the entire sequence for lack of rotational momentum...but thankfully, the whirl of dizziness that could only be marked by a fast spin, helped return him to the real world.
Thank God, I actually stuck the landing on this...
Heroes in the darkest times, when there is no light, Oooh...
The first camel variant had him with his hands clasped behind his back, then spread out to the sides, one reaching for the ceiling and the other nearly dragging along the ice from how his torso was horizontal to the ground. He contracted into a ball and splayed out as he hopped through the foot-change, praying between heartbeats that he wouldn't feel the same instability in his ankle again. Thankfully, just like before, the spinning, and the music, continued without interruption.
He reached for his now-free left blade, pulling it under his chest as he spun through the donut variant, then unfurled his thin frame to pull the blade behind himself instead for the last variant, raising the spin grade to Level 4. That done, he let the blade go and kicked that leg out as he raised himself to standing up straight again, moving away in reverse.
We are heroes, heroes in the darkest times, but we'll rise above, Oooh...
A few footwork maneuvers brought him clear across the rink, and he flew through another 3-turn on the second part of the line, throwing himself on the 'he' into the triple Salchow, the single connecting Loop on 'the,' and finally into the triple Loop on the next boom...but stumbled even worse on the landing than the first fall, sending him sliding away on the flat of his stomach.
No! Damnit!
Viktor had his hands over his mouth and nose, palms together as though desperately praying for some kind of divine intervention that would save his husband's psyche. Yuri could do nothing but pick himself up in the absence of such miraculous salvation though, and moved on in frustration to resume his Free Skate.
We are heroes...
The flying sit-spin went better than the jumps, though his rotations were slower than he wanted given the time he'd wasted standing up again. His chest was cold and wet from the shaved-ice melting on it, though despite the shock of the fall, the cold helped mitigate how hot his embarrassment felt.
I can't let my Free Program end like how it did in Sochi... I can't let what Asahi did mess me up like Vik-chan's death did...!
Sit-spin twist variant, foot change, shoot-the-duck variant.
When the night is starless,
Only we can spark it...
He rose up to standing again and cracked a toe-pick down into the ice, both hands shooting for the rafters. Fists clenched close together, Yuri spread his arms out to the sides as he brought them back down again. He spotted his worried partner on the rink wall when he looked ahead. Time seemed to slow down in that moment before he arched off again.
Viktor... Yuri mentally sighed, ...I don't know what you were thinking when you told me that story about yourself at the Olympics...but it...was really idiotic... You're really bad at consoling me sometimes...
The music caught back up with him, and the athlete spun off to continue his show.
Light it up in the darkness, Oooh...
His hands slid up the length of his frame, from thighs to shoulders, as he moved around the far short side of the rink.
...I guess I kind of understand what you meant by it...? A little bit? Baka Viktor...
When the night is starless,
The second half of the program had just barely begun...Yuri had another jump to attempt. He glided backwards, then dipped down suddenly on the outside edge of his left blade, right going behind himself for the launch. On the boom, he clapped the toe-pick down and threw himself for the quad Lutz, feeling his right skate wobble under him again, but not enough to knock him off balance. The triple Loop that followed, oddly, felt more difficult than the jump that preceded it, but he managed that landing as well with just a slight flail on the out-bound glide.
Only we can spark it...
Yuri rotated, arms coming up and out in front of him as the rest of him moved backward towards one corner of the rink.
I guess I always overlooked your flaws the same way I always tried to hide mine from you...but sometimes, there's just...moments where even a hopeless fanboy like me can't ignore the fact that you're kind of an air-head... A genius, but still an air-head...
Every muscle in his body seemed to brace for the next move, and Yuri glided in reverse on his right blade, the left leg sticking out behind him.
Light it up in the darkness,
The toe-pick cracked down, and he launched, spinning three times and landing on the right blade again. The left leg went behind him a second time...
Oooh...
Toe-pick again, another three spins, and a normal landing. The audience cheered.
[Skater Yuri seems to be picking this thing up as he goes!] Morooka commented, [Really rocky start for Japan's All-Star, but the longer he skates, the better his jumps are getting! Will it be enough to recover all the points he lost from those falls at the start though?]
We are heroes... Heroes in the darkest times
He landed the triple Axel normally as well, gliding off with a sense of relief and growing, but hesitant, confidence.
...When there is no light, Oooh...
Viktor could see the change as well, and he pushed up on the wall, standing a little straighter as he watched, You've got this, Yuri...bring it home!
Yuri leaned back as far as he could for the Ina Bauer, gliding from one edge of the rink to the other at an angle, then twisting as he approached the other wall. One skate crossed over the other to change his direction.
We are heroes...
He glided in reverse towards the next-farthest corner, right leg rising behind him as the left dipped down on an inside edge.
Heroes in the darkest times,
The toe-pick went down, launching him through the air again; he spun through four rotations, and a landed on the back outside edge. The audience roared its approval, and Viktor anxiously pulled his hands back up to cradle on either side of his head, daring to let himself think that his partner had finally found his rhythm.
...But we'll rise above, Oooh...
We are heroes...
Yuri threw himself into a butterfly jump, dipping his head towards the ice immediately upon landing for the illusion spin, and used the momentum of his up-turned leg to force himself upright, twisting into the scratch spin.
And Asahi... You may not be a genius, but I always thought you were smart at least... I never thought, even after Viktor told me what he thought was going on, that you would be that stupid...
Both arms were up, and he was a blur on the ice, but slowed considerably when he spread his arms out to the side as he lowered them for the cork-screw variant. The music thundered overhead, and he could feel it in his chest even as he spun.
My arms are still sore from where you grabbed me and held me still... I'm sorry that I trapped you... I'm even sorry about what happened to Riku! But that didn't give you the right to do what you did to me!
We are heroes...
The song cut out to silence for a moment, but then burst back to life with more, and rising, intensity than any of the rest that came before. Yuri pulled from the combination spin and rushed backwards along the wall, heading back towards center. The drums and adrenaline were pounding through Yuri's body like a war-beat, fueling the growing anger he felt about it all.
I don't even know how I could ever explain to you how angry you've made me over this...because the pity I feel for you makes me think I don't even have the right to be angry at you...and that just makes me more mad!
He lost sight of the rink, his mind putting him into auto-pilot as he shifted through a mohawk turn. He landed a jump and was already sliding out of it before he even registered that he'd performed one...he could only assume it was the quad Lutz, because that's what he'd done at the Final. His mind was so far off-planet though that he couldn't even muster a sense of relief powerful enough to override his growing frustration.
You over-powered me in that room and made me feel small and weak...and then robbed me of the power to resent you for it by rubbing your traumas in my face like it was my fault that it turned out that way...!
Viktor's brow furrowed as he saw the next jump being lined up; the last one of the Free Skate...the one that the silver genius firmly believed was meant for his husband. Yuri put himself into an outside spread-eagle as he came around the short end of the rink. The music was a terrifying roar all around them.
But it's not my fault! It was never my fault! I had nothing to do with what happened to you!
He leaned to the left, straightening himself to face forward as he glided on the outside edge of one golden blade, and the right went up behind him. The world was white to his eyes.
YOU DON'T GET TO DRAG ME INTO IT!
Minako's eyes were wide, and she nearly screamed in excitement. She flipped her phone around to see the rest of the group's reactions...though quickly saw that no one but Yurio really knew what happened. He wasn't reacting that strongly anyway, so she just let them see how crazy she was getting over it before turning the phone back around again and jumped in place as the audience roared and cheered on all sides.
Oooooh...
Asahi had lifted up, both hands gripping the banister, eyes wide in disbelief, Was that...a quad Axel...? How is that even...?
[Double-tano quad Axel from Japan's Hero, Nikiforov Yuri-san!] Morooka yelled into his mic, jumping up from the media table, [That man's going to win Olympic Gold in a few weeks! I'm calling it here tonight!]
We are heroes...
Yuri hadn't let himself breathe since landing the jump, his ankle strong as his blade hit the ice; no wobble, no wiggle...just a perfect landing. The music was fading out above him; the final thunder-clap of bass hit a few times before quieting, and Yuri felt the decreasing power of the song helped to reduce the tension of the anger he'd built up.
It felt somewhat cathartic to suddenly 'become aware' of his surroundings again when he was already in his final pose, and the maelstrom of cheering from every direction served as his 'welcome back to Earth.' He let himself suck in air finally, the icy chill hitting the back of his throat and drying everything it touched, forcing him to cough a few times. He let himself drop down a little, hunching forward to prop himself up with his hands just over his knees, but then simply collapsed the rest of the way down to the ice. Sweat dripped down his face, falling from his nose and chin, salty where he could taste it on his dry lips.
He became acutely aware of his first fall again when he tried to sit down, feeling the thrum of pain when the would-be bruise touched the back of his heel, then the ice when he sat back between his boots. Cringing a little, all his other pains started making themselves known as well, throbbing under the skin-tight dark-blue skating costume that stuck to every inch of him. Yuri pulled his hands up from where he'd balled his fingers into fists between his knees, and slowly unclenched them before crossing his forearms across his chest, grasping his upper arms lightly...and yelled out the last bits of his cinnamon fury.
Viktor heard it, and watched, but with Yuri's back towards him, it was hard to tell what was going on in the middle of the rink. He just peeled away from that spot he'd been watching from, and moved towards the rink-wall doorway where he knew his partner would return to...eventually.
The shower of flowers, plush toys, and pillow-nigiri was slowly ebbing, and the same teens and children that had collected the gifts for each of the previous skaters were starting to enter the rink to do it all over again. Still, Yuri wouldn't rise up. He lowered his head a little, stray bits of black hair coming loose around the sides of his face, and looked at his partial-reflection in the frost.
Yuri stared at it for a moment, barely getting enough of a clear patch to spot the thin pink remnants of the cuts he'd endured in Detroit 2 weeks earlier. He pulled his right hand down to the ice, touching at the marks in his reflection.
Even after what happened at the Final...how much it hurt to skate, and how high emotions ran because of everything else...I still earned my Silver.
The shine on his finger reminded him otherwise.
...And walked away with Gold.
He pushed up with both hands, finding his toe-picks and rose back up to standing. The audience's cheering renewed for it, and he made himself at least wave and bow his head towards them. He paused when he got to where he knew Minako was with Asahi, and half-glared in their direction.
Between Viktor and I, I'm the alpha, and for good reason. I'm stronger than all this.
Not wanting to give Asahi anymore of the satisfaction that Yuri could only assume he drew from watching him fall apart, the exhausted skater turned away and finally started heading towards the exit. He found his husband there nervously waiting for him, one hand on the wall like he wasn't sure what to do...as a spouse or a coach.
Yuri hesitated to close the gap for a moment, looking on at those worried blue eyes, and that same tired, anxious, desperate expression on the face they belonged to.
It's the same look he had when I found him at the airport after Rostelecom... That look of relief after something so horrible had happened, but we were finally together again, and we knew that everything would be okay...
He nudged a blade and inched closer, and lifted his hand forward to reach it in offering.
I'm done with letting bad things happen to us. I stepped in front of Konstantin twice, each time ready to defend us to the death if need be... This could've been a non-situation, but I let it take control of me...and I put Viktor through Hell because I couldn't handle it...
The silver Russian looked at the hand gesturing towards him, and easily reached back, feeling those fingers take hold of his.
Yuri gently started to pull the man forward.
He's been through so much in his life already, and especially in the last year. When we got married, it should've marked the beginning of the best parts of both our lives, but it's just been a crazy roller-coaster of bad and worse situations...
Viktor stepped onto the ice with his blade-guards still in place, and almost comically sputtered forward when he felt the fantastic lack of traction that he'd expected. Legs and arms flailed, groping for balance, but in the end, he went face-first into his husband's chest, caught by a pair of arms under his own. There was a moderately-sharp twinge in his right ankle, but he quickly forgot about it when he felt a kiss come down on the imaginary bald-spot at the crown of his head. Slate eyes turned upward, and he saw his Yuri looking down on him, the previously pale and devastated look on the man's face replaced with something more sure and settled.
"I'm tired of letting things spiral out of control." The younger skater said simply, "I'm...not going to let other peoples' problems get the better of me anymore, especially if I didn't cause them. The only problem I want to have from now on is figuring out how to make you happy."
The words were confusing, coming from seemingly-left-field, but Viktor was excited to hear them anyway, and returned the smile despite his traction-related predicament, "That's great~! I can give you a hint on how to start..."
Yuri huffed a laugh and leaned his face down, finding a kiss there while his partner was still somewhat hanging. He could feel where Viktor was trying to stand normally though...and then the shift when they both dropped to the ice, landing roughly on their sides. Each of them opened their eyes in surprise at one another, but then just started laughing again, reaching forward to pull one another closer and start the kissing all over again.
The audience cheered to see that no harm had been done by the fall, and raised their volume a bit higher then they spotted their nation's hero clambering overtop of their newest transplant.
Fingers found each other above the Russian's head, woven together where Viktor's knuckles brushed the frost. Yuri, for once, didn't care how it looked...and parked himself right on his partner's hips to continue their rather-public semi-romp.
Minako turned her phone away, looking a bit sheepish as she glanced at the screen, "Well, things here are getting PG-rated in a hurry. Do you want to wait for the...scores...?" Her voice trailed as she suddenly spotted Asahi leaving, heading back down the stairs he'd originally come up. Like earlier, she couldn't see enough of his face to even wager a guess as to how he felt about it all. She frowned and turned back to her phone, "...Sorry, what?"
"I want to see the score called!" Yurio insisted, apparently repeating himself. When Minako turned the phone again, he just protested, "AFTER THEY'RE DONE BEING GROSS!"
Yuri pulled up half an inch from his husband's lips, and looked on at the flushed face beneath him, "...Is this what you had in mind?"
"It's just like our first Cup of China." He answered with a smirk.
"A bit too much like it..." Yuri answered; he felt his partner's right leg perched oddly behind him, and turned his eyes slightly towards it, "You okay?"
"Forget it." Viktor insisted happily, letting the man's hands go to slide them around the back of that blue and shimmering outfit, "I'd rather you just keep kissing me."
"Really?" He wondered more quietly, even as he leaned in closer again, bringing his own hands forward to cradle around the Russian's silver-haired head, "I would, too."
And he did.