CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED EIGHTY EIGHT
It was a difficult - and often - extremely painful conversation. Out of the 26+ years of Asahi's life, it was the hardest 45 minutes he had known, save only for the moments he'd actually experienced the traumas he was getting ready to recall. Still, after so long reliving the memories of the good times he'd never know again, by the time he was ready to explain that fateful accident...he could hardly speak anymore.
"...I...I need a b-break..." Asahi pleaded, eyes and face tinted red from his despair. His scarf was a damp ruin from trying to dry his skin.
Minako didn't hesitate, leaning forward from her place in the row behind him to set her hand on the man's back, "It's okay, I think you're allowed. You've said a lot already." She looked over to the other two skaters, as though still seeking their approval, but hoping neither would argue the point given that she'd already given her own.
Yuri had been sitting just over the edge of tears for most of the conversation, face pressed to his partner's shoulder or the back of the man's neck half the time, the other half trying to look on normally, only to return to the soggy place he'd made on Viktor's scarf and coat. Jiro had fallen asleep on his lap ages ago.
Viktor himself had remained stoic through the tale. It made him feel a little guilty to hear the other figure's sorrow, but the stories themselves were benign to his hearing. 'The story of how you met' didn't unsettle him that much, if at all. It only helped to cement the notion that his husband was safe from further unwanted advances, and he let himself relax a little.
With no objections, and a slight nod from the Russian, Asahi pushed up onto his blade-guards and slowly went up the nearby stairs to the main hall, with Minako following after. With the duo through the door and beyond earshot, Viktor turned his attention to his partner, turning around in his seat to face the man who'd clung to his back throughout the 'talk.'
"How are you holding up, my love?" He wondered quietly, reaching up to brush his husband's hair out of his face where the constant rubbing and nuzzling had pulled it from its gelled-down style.
Yuri sucked in a pained breath, and he pulled his glasses off to wipe his reddened eyes, "I just... I feel so bad for him..." He answered quietly, "To hear him tell all these stories about someone he loved so much, but knowing all this time that the person he's speaking about is gone forever... I can't help but put us into his shoes and it just breaks my heart. It actually kind of makes me think of how strong that makes him, to be able to carry on after something so devastating. If I lost you, I'd be done for...I could never recover from a loss like that."
"Try not to think about it," Viktor recommended, reaching both arms over the back of his crimson seat to pull his partner into a hug over one shoulder, stroking the figure's back gently, "There's some wisdom in living every day like it might be your last...but only if you're coming to it from a healthy place. 'Live your best life every day' is a much saner approach than 'live like you won't see the sun rise tomorrow.' Makes people do different things."
"...I guess that's true..." Yuri said, breathing a ragged sigh against his partner's scarf as he clung a little tighter. He held for a moment before letting himself let go a little to sit back again, using the dry part of his own scarf to clean off the lenses of his glasses, "How do you feel about all this though...?"
The silver legend turned his head out towards the rink and watched the people skate by for a few seconds, then shrugged and looked to his spouse again, "There's a degree to which I empathize with his situation. I get that he lost someone he cared about...but maybe I'm a bit divorced from the subject because I don't know him outside of this weekend, so everything I do know about him is based on what happened here." He explained, "My first interaction with him was his rudely questioning your sexuality, as though you weren't allowed to be involved with another man unless he said so...then I watched him flirting with you with that squeeze-chicken thing, like he thought he was better than me and could steal you away. The next thing I know, you're having a panic attack so severe that you passed out because of it, only for me to learn later...after seeing your skin pink and claw-marked from your own fingernails, and sitting under water that was way too hot...that he yelled at you, and then held you down and kissed you without your consent. I watched you trying to recover from that for a full 24 hours, and because of it, he robbed you of the Silver...no, the Gold you should've won."
Yuri lowered his head a little, "...I guess I can understand why you're so distant on this, then." He said, snuffling a little.
"I've done my best to keep my head down on this because he used to be your friend, but eventually, my ability to remain an impartial witness, or a shoulder to cry on, breaks down and I have to do something." Viktor explained, leaning forward to press the side of one cheek against his husband's closest shoulder, "At this point, I'm convinced he won't ever try anything with you again... If you two were stuck in a room alone together for a week, I feel like I could be certain he wouldn't ever get within 10ft of you. But it doesn't always take physical interaction to hurt a person, and your spirit bruises far easier than your body does."
The younger figure just huffed a sad laugh at his own expense, "The skater with a heart of glass."
"I worry about you a lot," The Russian went on, drawing his husband's eyes towards himself, "You have so much room in your heart for so many people and things and experiences... When you're happy, and settled...it's a wondrous thing to see...but when a sadness creeps in, it's all-encompassing, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed, like I can't do anything to make it stop."
Yuri raised his head, looking back to the ground in front of himself. He sighed a little and pressed his cheek to his husband's forehead, bringing one arm up around the Russian's shoulder, "You do more than you give yourself credit for. I'd be raiding every fridge in the country to eat my sorrows away, if not for how much you've helped me cope." He explained, moving his free hand up to set a curled finger under the man's chin, lifting that pale face to kiss him. He held there for a few seconds, and set their brows together when he pulled back again, " ...No matter how dark things have ever gotten, you've always been my light to guide me back. I just..." Yuri raised his eyes up to the glass wall just behind them both, seeing Minako and Asahi there on the other side, "...I wish he had a light to guide him, too."
The vending machine by the elevators popped out a bottle of apple juice, and Asahi pulled it up quickly, using the cool, smooth liquid to soothe his dry and cracked throat. He turned around and pressed his back against the clear display pane of the red box and stared at the floor for a moment, taking another quick sip from the bottle before capping it again.
[How do you feel at this point...?] Minako asked quietly, [Are you ready to keep going? I know the next part is probably going to be the worst of it.]
Asahi hesitated, but shook his head, [...I've...never been ready for this...] He answered quietly, [I guess I just...feel weird, telling these things to people I barely know...and the one person I'm supposed t-to...reach out to the most...just doesn't seem that impressed with anything I say...]
[Who, Viktor?]
The skater nodded.
[Worry less about trying to impress him.] The ballerina advised, [He makes up his own mind about things, in his own time and way. Sometimes those things happen with nearly no thought or planning, like when he dropped his whole life to come coach Yuri. He's kind of impulsive that way. How his feelings about this change may hit him like a brick at some point, but until then, it may seem like you're not reaching him.]
[...How does Y-Yuri put up with that...?]
Minako smiled nervously, [He tries to remind Viktor to think ahead. That's the thing about being in love with someone...you take them as they are, gifts and flaws. You try to make the best of one another.]
Asahi just lowered his head again, brow furrowed all the more behind the damp spikes of his stringy bangs, [...No wonder Yuri said he thought I'd...put him in a cage...] He sighed and slid his back down the machine, coming to sit on the cold floor, [...I don't understand anymore how Riku put up with me...I must've been absolutely horrible...]
The ballerina crouched down before him and reached a hand forward to set it on the man's upturned knee, [It's not like there's an instruction manual on this kind of thing. Some relationships need more work than others. You barely had any time with Riku. When you let the next person in...you'll be better prepared...you'll be smarter, and you'll be more experienced than you were before.]
[...The next person...?] He echoed, pulling his legs in a big closer to himself, [...I c-couldn't...]
[The loss of someone close can be an incredibly difficult thing to process...but I promise, you can get through it. There's no time limit on how long you're supposed to grieve for. The pain you're in now is a sign that you loved someone in the first place...and while I don't want to make it sound like it's a good thing...it is an important thing.]
Asahi rubbed his eyes on one sleeve, [All this p-pain and frustration I have... The more I talk about things, the more it's becoming anger instead...] He explained quietly, [It's like I'm laying out a blueprint for how to be the worst partner to someone. I'm p-practically the poster-boy for exactly what not to be...what not to do...]
[You can only be who you are, and learn from the mistakes you make. Riku saw what you could be, the same way Viktor saw what Yuri could be, and did his best with the time he had to see you grow.] Minako said, then stood up again, [You said before that you feel like you fell right back into the habits Riku broke you out of...but the more you talk, the more you reveal...the more I see that he's left an impression on you, even now. You went to Yuri because you drew comfort from him in the past, not because you wanted him...and that's okay, because Yuri would've been there for you. He just...didn't know. You can still fix this.]
[...How...? They already know Riku died in a car accident...what could e-either of them possibly get from me retelling how it happened exactly...?] The skater lifted his head, a look of hopelessness on his face, [I just feel like I'm dragging them through all my problems, with no end in sight...or even a goal in mind...]
[Understanding is our goal.] Minako clarified, [You're doing exactly the right thing. So...the next step is to make them understand other things. They know who Riku was to you, but they don't know why you tried to keep yourselves a secret. Maybe talking about your background will be good break from the sad stuff, too...give yourself some breathing room. I mean, I'm sure they're curious about what you were going to tell your family in Kyoto...it would have more of an impact if they knew why you were 'telling' them anything in the first place.]
The mentally-exhausted figure looked at the top of his knees for a moment, but then nodded, and struggled his way back up to his feet. He held the apple-juice bottle in his hands to ground himself, and turned slowly on the heel of one blade-guard, stepping off towards the door they'd come through earlier.
By the time they'd returned, Viktor had abandoned the Ravenclaw beanie and was trying to un-static his hair, combing his bare fingers through it to put it back into its normal affect. Yuri had moved down to the same level the Russian was sitting in, but was still sitting on the floor with the Akita puppy, who had woken up and was wanting to play. The beanie came in handy then, as Yuri would toss it a few feet behind the pup, and Jiro would chase after it, pouncing onto it with his front paws and then bringing it back. When Asahi came back into view, Jiro paused a moment, looking at the man intently, and wagging his tail slowly twice as the skater found - yet another - new place to sit. Yuri pat his thigh to get the puppy's attention, and Jiro sauntered back towards his lap, settling in like a dog that knew too much despite his only being a few weeks old. Minako took the seat above where Yuri had been on the floor previously. Of the bunch, Viktor was the only one who retained his spot, though now he had his left leg stretched out straight towards the guard-railing, offering it as something of a back-support in case his husband leaned against it. He kept the right tucked under his seat.
"I think we're ready to continue, right?" Minako asked then, to which she received a few nods, "Okay... We discussed where to go next with this and we agreed that he should go back to the pre-Yuri saga."
"Pre-Yuri saga...?" Yuri echoed dryly, "How pre are we talking about?"
"About five years pre." Asahi answered on his own, "...When I was right on the edge of becoming a good pawn for my family."
Yuri's eyes went from the older skater to his husband, "...Pawn...?" He whispered.
Viktor's eyes narrowed a little bit, but he remained still, knuckles against his cheek where he'd curled his arm around, resting his elbow on the back of the seat next to himself.
"...Uhm..." Asahi started, unsure where to really begin, and looked to Minako nearby for help.
"Who are your parents? What kind of people are they?" She offered.
"Oh..." He swallowed nervously, twisting the bottle-cap on and off, "Well... My mother is a native. My father is...a Japanese man from America. When he came to Japan...he brought with him the things he grew up with in the USA...including a Protestant faith. He was never all that severe...he believed, but he...wasn't particularly concerned with it. My mother, on the other hand...she took to it on a level I can only ascribe to the way certain people take to the lore of their video games. Like them, she knew more about that world than she did the one she lived in. She said...it opened her eyes, as though Japanese culture didn't make sense without it. To her, it explained why..." He grit his teeth a little and looked away, "...It explained why women were supposed to stay home, and why men were supposed to be superior. She thrived under that, and she imagined everyone else did, or would, too. She never quite saw the hypocrisy in her being the head of the household and deciding how we were supposed to be, even though her Good Book specifically says women aren't supposed to hold positions of power over men."
Yuri leaned back against his husband's leg, a stunned look on his face. He glanced up to his partner, who was still staring straight ahead, as though not wanting to hear the words, "...Viktor...?"
"I'm listening."
Asahi hesitated for a moment, but Minako gestured for him to continue despite the unintended interruption. He took a moment instead to sip from the bottle in his hands and recollect his thoughts, "...They had my three older brothers...all of whom were showered in the entitlement of their male-ness. They were molded to be the men they are today...successful, married, families of their own...the pride and joy of my parents. ...And then...there's me." He lowered his gaze, "...The misfit. The one they let get away with whatever I want simply because three out of four is decent. They pay my way through skating and school, and just pat my head and tell me how cute it is that I have a hobby I like. It wasn't always like this though...there was a time where they were convinced they could get four for four. I was 13 years old when they tried arranging me with the first girl..." He explained in agonized frustration, "They blamed a slow-burning puberty on my lack of enthusiasm. They tried again when I was 16."
"...You never told me any of that, and I was around when you were 16." Yuri chagrined.
"You were around at the rink." Asahi pointed out, "But we both went home sometimes."
"...Oh."
"There wasn't much to say anyway. I...already had my eye on you at the time, and that arrangement by my parents just..." The skater shook his head, "...They were trying to throw a wrench into my plans."
"Were they? Knowingly?" Minako wondered.
"Yeah. Knowingly. They knew what I was since before I even knew what it meant to be what I was. They thought they could...train it out of me, by forcing me into situations with people that I didn't care about. They framed my disgust with it all on the idea that arranged relationships are about family-building and networking, not about love or happiness. You learn to love, later on, completely skipping over the part that I wasn't into any women, not just the ones they stuck me with. " He answered grudgingly, "They..." He gave an angry sort of grunt-like laugh under his breath, "...They actually tried to use European Royalty as an example. As I got older though, I started learning about the world and I started making retorts to their arguments... If they told me about European Royals, I'd tell them about the Habsburg Jaw coming out of their deeply-seeded incest. They'd tell me about the Russian Tsars and I'd casually point out their problem with hemophilia that they caught by breeding with the Europeans."
Viktor grimaced at that.
"They got wise to it and started pointing to India instead, and even China...where they literally have women markets, where parents try to sell their daughters into marriage, because they couldn't tolerate the idea of her being successful without a husband. There's so many men out there because of that One Child policy, and the women who do get to exist have much higher standards...I guess they'd get to if they're in such high demand...and some have decided they're better off on their own anyway." Asahi sighed, turning his right foot back and forth where it balanced on the heel of his blade-guard, "It wasn't really until Yuri started talking about that girl back in Hasetsu that I finally clued-in to what my big problem actually was. I felt the pain of jealousy and didn't know what to do with it. All my life I'd been told that I 'would marry a nice girl someday, and have a family like your brothers.'" He said, air-quoting with his fingers bitterly, "The longer it went on, the more I resented it...and with this girl they tried to set me up with when I was 16, I got so mad at them that I...tried to be intimate with her, failed horribly like I knew I would, and then came barging back into the open, yelling at them about 'how can I possibly marry this woman who can't even satisfy me?'" He lowered his head down to bury his face against his hands, ashamed of the entire ordeal.
Minako blinked at him, recalling the brief mention of that interaction from the night before, "...I didn't realize it was that bad."
"They tried one more time...after Yuri left, and 'that annoying distraction' was out of my life, as they described it." Asahi went on, bringing his hands up for those air-quotes again, "I was pretty depressed about Yuri being gone...so I just let them do whatever they wanted. The girl was nice enough...she said she loved my skating... That was actually a gimmick my parents thought up." He sat back roughly against the poppy-red chair, "They thought they could hook me up with a fan...just so long as it was a female fan."
Yuri was looking at his hands, and remembering the odd stories he barely wanted to listen to in the past.
One crazy religious parent who takes their stuff way too far... Vindictive 16-year-old revenge-sex just to stick it to them... A fan-partner that didn't work out...
Brown eyes went up to the Russian, but Viktor was avoiding his gaze.
...He sees the same pattern I do...
"I let that go on for about 6 months...before I was just so miserable that I had to call things off. I still feel bad about that one...that girl didn't do anything wrong. She thought it was all her fault that things didn't work out though." Asahi went on, leaving Yuri to rub his temples anxiously, "But then, after I finally got some peace and quiet...Riku found me. I still...suffered from all the wrong messages I'd been taught as I grew up though. I knew what I was, but I wouldn't let myself be that way, even though the opportunity had finally arrived. Threats of judgment and damnation were still fresh in my mind, in spite of the fact that I'd moved on to Buddhism long ago. A while before my parents gave up on me, I tried to explain to them that there's science behind my situation... That the more sons a mother has, the more likely it is that she'll have one that's gay. That it was nature's way of giving her a nurturing child in the absence of daughters...but...they threw it back in my face because of all the martial arts stuff I did, and how cold I was. I tried to bring it back to the figure skating, and that I was cold because they made me that way...but they refused to hear it... So, they gave up, and I gave up...and I resigned myself to the idea that I'd always be alone. Hoping for something, but never brave enough to defy my entire upbringing."
Yuri drew a deep breath and exhaled it in a sigh, reaching his right arm up against his partner's legs to touch his fingers against one thigh, rubbing his thumb there as he often did. He didn't want to interrupt again, but he could sense that his partner was on edge about it all, and did what he could to mitigate it.
"Riku said he waited an entire year before revealing himself to me... But after that, he...kind of bulldozed his way in." Asahi continued, twisting in his seat towards Minako and folding his arms over the back-rest, setting his chin there and looking at his sleeves, "All that time, he said he'd been reading me, figuring me out...but that I'd been so blind to everything around me that I never noticed him. At least, until the moment he wouldn't get out of the way, so I had to see him...and after that moment, we were us...at least, for a little while...until it was just me again..." His brow furrowed and he partly closed his eyes, feeling the sting in his throat again, but trying to maintain himself this time, "...After the fact of Riku's death...the worst part about that accident was how little I'd been hurt. I'd gladly have split the damage 50/50 with him if it meant he'd live... I feel so stupid, and rotten, and ugly now...because I wasn't able to be the person he thought I was. Because it took Riku dying for me to realize what I finally had, and how precious it was to me...and how I'd lost all of it...even the chance to do things right. The opportunity to grow together, be together...to learn from each other. I learned so much from him, but I...don't think I ever got to teach him anything in return." He rubbed his nose on his sleeve and lifted up in his seat, hunching over his legs again, "I was in so much shock about everything that happened. Riku and I were on our way to Kyoto to tell my parents that we were together, and that I'd finally found my happiness...but we never got there, and all my happiness was taken from me. I've just...been existing since then."
Yuri leaned forward to rest his chin on his partner's right knee, arms going gently forward to wrap around the man's calf.
"I said last night that I wished I could go to him..." Asahi went on, "I felt so much guilt an anger and regret over the thing I did to Yuri that I just...couldn't deal with the pain of it all anymore, and I just wanted it to finally stop. Riku's memory bubbling up after 2 years of being suppressed...being told to my face by Yuri that we would've been bad for each other anyway...getting scorned by you for being so stupidly naïve and obvious..."
Viktor turned his head slightly towards the row behind him.
"I was cracking apart, and then...everything else...with the meeting, and learning about how Yuri was dealing with what I'd done... I feel like I've been on autopilot since the end of the Short Program, with short bursts of self-awareness in the middle of it all... I felt dead already, so what difference would it make if I just made my physical self match my mental self?" Asahi reached up with one hand to rub his sore throat, "I didn't think things couldn't possibly get any worse than they already were...and then I won Silver, and I realized they absolutely could. I've never hated myself as much as I did since seeing my score yesterday night. The only reason I didn't walk away was because I wasn't the only person who'd be impacted by it if it I did. But...at this point, I've decided..." He lifted his head and faced Viktor straight-on, though the Russian's silver head was still slightly turned away, "...If I get picked for the Olympic Team..." Viktor looked at him then, "...I'm going to decline it."
"Eh?" Yuri perked his head up suddenly, "But you c-"
"I've already decided." Asahi bowed his head down, mostly to avoid the stares, "...After Nationals, I'm going...to retire."
"That's so-" Yuri tried again, only to find himself being nudged and moved around as his husband suddenly stood up. To the younger man's shock, Viktor turned and started making his way up the stairs, leaving the group in mystified silence.
Asahi could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest, but he couldn't bring himself to look up. He could hear Yuri gathering up Jiro and his beanie and gave chase, sneakers tapping at the concrete as they went up towards the level to the main hall, leaving him with just Minako again.
"What in the world is that knucklehead doing?" The ballerina wondered incredulously, twitching slightly as she heard the metallic BANG of the metal door being pushed in and open. She was relieved at least to see that Viktor paused his advance long enough to hold the door for Yuri, and they went together...sort of...towards the exit where they'd arrived more than an hour earlier. Minako reached for the backpack Yuri had left behind and slung it over one shoulder, then looked to the stunned skater still stuck in his bow, "Come on."
"...Come on?" Asahi echoed, unmoving, "To what end?"
"To find out which brick just hit him."
Yuri hopped sideways with Jiro in his arms, trying to keep up, "Vik...Viktor!? What's going on? Why'd you leave suddenly!?"
The two sets of automatic sliding doors opened for them, and the frozen wind poured over them, leaving Yuri temporarily stunned. The Russian didn't even seem to notice the cold, walking straight into it without missing a step. The wind picked up around him, sending his silver hair, charcoal scarf, and dark grey long-coat flying all around him. He walked right past the thick blue pillar to his left, and continued moving forward until the white metal railing beside the road stopped him. Hands went into his pockets, and he waited, staring forward with narrowed eyes and furrowed brows.
"...Viktor...!" Yuri called from within the two doorways, trying to get his beanie on with one hand.
"...What is he doing?" Minako asked, deadpanning the Russian skater. Asahi stepped up behind her quietly; confused but trying to stay unnoticed.
"I don't know. He wouldn't say anything to me." Yuri answered.
Jiro barked at the silver legend, and finally the man responded to them...though not in the way they expected.
"ASAHI SAITO."
The skater in question nearly jumped out of his skin, looking rather nervous. He took a few steps into the cold, heedless of his blade-guards on the snowy concrete, "...Y-Yes...?"
Minako and Yuri watched the figure carefully, but their eyes went out to Viktor a few seconds later, each of them waiting on pins and needles to find out how it would end.
"How the HELL do you expect to prove to me how sorry you are IF YOU LEAVE SKATING?" The Russian barked, then finally turned around to face them all, an angry look on his face, "You said it yourself that words don't mean anything if you don't back them up with ACTION. If you retire now, how are you going to ACT? Retiring just means you're a QUITTER."
Yuri's eyes twitched nervously to hear those words being yelled in his direction, even though he knew they weren't meant for him. Asahi was practically catatonic, paralyzed where he stood.
"You're GOING to get picked for PyeongChang, and you're GOING to go to South Korea in February." Viktor continued sternly, "And so help you, you'd better skate like you've never DREAMED you could." He pulled up his right hand and pointed adamantly at the man, "You skate like your life and love DEPENDS ON IT...you struggle, and you FIGHT... You prove to the entire WORLD the kind of man Riku thought you were."
"...Viktor..." Yuri whispered to himself, stunned at the whole thing. He turned his eyes towards his older counterpart, barely able to see the equally shocked look on Asahi's face while the wind whipped those teal bangs around his face, "...Asahi...?"
"WAKARIMASU KA!?" Viktor barked with finality, still pointing.
The anxious younger skater had to break himself out of the frozen position he'd taken, but he finally moved, and bowed forward again, the same 90 angle that he'd taken in his apology...and yelled back, "KASHIKOMARIMASHITA."
The silver legend still had that severe look on his face, but when he spotted the reactions on Minako and Yuri's faces, he dropped the visage for one of slight confusion, "...What? Why do you two look like that?"
"He just..." The ballerina started, gesturing at Asahi, who was rising up to his normal posture again, "...I mean..."
"What?" Viktor repeated.
"Uh...well," Yuri tried instead, "He said yes, but...the way he said it... I think you just kind of became his mentor, sort of?"
"...Eh? What, no! That's not what I meant!" The silver man waved his hands around defensively, "I'm no one's mentor but Yuri's! Yurio would kill me!"
"...Well, the word and form Asahi used...it's the kind of affirmation you reserve for your boss or superior..." Minako clarified, "...So...I...guess this means you won?"
"Everyone just go inside! Saito still has to show Yuri how the Exhibition OCs go." Viktor barked, pointing back into the building as he started stepping forward.
"...Hai, Nikiforov-senpai."
"...Blyat..." (Goddamnit.)