CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED NINETY SIX

Following Asahi out of the rink-side area and into the brightly-lit under-arena staging corridor was awkward. Not just because of the waiting eyes that anticipated the skater's return from performing, and the excited applause that had to be cut short when they saw him trying to scurry away like an escaped convict avoiding police, but because of how sharply the rest of the mood had shifted in the group that followed him. Asahi couldn't get away from the crowd fast enough, finding the first empty conference room that lined the lower floor hallway around the complex, dropped onto the edge of the raised platform near the front of the room, and sobbed uncontrollably. Though his cries were muffled by the layers of scarf and hood already-wrapped around his head, he still pressed his hands to his face and eyes before outright collapsing to one side, away from the doorway.

Nagisa and Webber looked on from outside in complete confusion, unsure if it was even safe to enter and sort things out. They turned to the two skaters who'd followed in the rear, brows furrowed in a wordless, desperate inquiry.

"He skated for Riku's memory just now," Viktor explained quietly, keeping back from the door, hands stuffed into his pockets, "It's a program he made up right after the accident."

"...I just...don't understand..." The coach said hesitantly, "I know they were friends and rinkmates, but why is he still so violently upset by that accident? It's been two years already... He shouldn't be grieving like it just happened..."

The Russian crinkled his eyes a little and glanced aside, "Wow... He really didn't tell anyone."

"Tell anyone what?"

"Riku Itō wasn't just Saito's friend. They..." He started, wondering suddenly - and at the worst possible moment given how he'd already started - whether it was his place to air that laundry for the pair to hear. He sighed to himself and shrugged, knowing it was too late to do take-backs, "They were dating. Saito and Itō had been living together for the two weeks prior to the accident. When the accident happened, they were actually heading to Kyoto to tell Saito's family about their relationship. It was a secret all that...this time."

Nagisa pulled her hands up to her mouth, though Webber just had that surprised-but-not look on his face. They both turned back to the room to look within, and at their intensely despairing athlete.

"Saito went out of his way to hide the relationship because he was deathly worried about the negative judgment he'd get for it. So...as far as he's concerned, this is the first time he's really gotten to grieve that loss, because he had to play it down for so long." Viktor continued, "It may as well have just happened."

Yuri listened quietly from the background, eyes going to and from each person as they spoke and reacted to the news. He heard a few whispers as Team Saito spoke between themselves, and stood at the edge of the doorway, debating whether or not to go in. After a few moments, Coach Nagisa stepped inside, with Webber staying close to the door, only going far enough within to lean against the doorframe.

It's weird...that for once, out of this whole weekend...what's happening has absolutely nothing to do with me. I can't think of anything to say, or do... I feel like I don't even belong here.

Jiro wiggled in his arms, and he set the pup on the ground, unwrapping the lead where it had tangled around his arm. The pup seemed to have ideas of his own, sniffing at the floor before turning around to walk back the way they came. Yuri glanced back over a shoulder only briefly, but could see that his departure was going completely unnoticed, and simply looked forward again to let Jiro lead him where he may.

Viktor stepped towards the doorway, staying in the hall though as he peered within. As he turned to look, he glanced aside, realizing suddenly that his husband was nowhere to be seen. His eyes went wide and he felt a jolt of panic through his chest, but stopped just as quickly as his heart-attack had begun, spotting the younger man far down the hall, following the silver-brindle Akita slowly into the distance. Viktor's brow furrowed slightly, but he didn't know what to do, or say, in the moment, and simply lowered his head.

...This is worse than when he ran off in Calgary...or, rather... when he turned his back on me in Sochi... He didn't say a word to me about it then either...but at least at the time, I couldn't expect to get an explanation, because we barely knew each other. Now... He could feel the sting in his eyes again, I feel like I'm losing him... Why is this so different...?

"We always suspected, but..." Webber started unexpectedly, speaking quietly from just within the room. The Russian lifted his head to look towards him, but the man just gently shook his head, "He never said it outright though. So we just treated it like they were close friends, like brothers. We knew that the Riku situation was a sore spot for Asahi...we just had no idea how deep it really went."

Viktor didn't answer. He leaned his left shoulder against the other side of the door and just watched, his head miles away despite what was in front of his eyes. Nagisa had sat behind the figure and had gently pressed her hand to the man's upturned arm, rubbing her thumb back and forth slowly in an effort to calm and soothe. Asahi just rolled a little further though, legs spilling off the edge of the raised platform until he was sitting on the floor, arms crossed under his face where he leaned forward against the flat of the stage, and in turn, he pulled himself out of his coach's reach.

"I guess we should've connected the dots yesterday when he admitted to kissing Yuri." Webber continued, still in that hushed tone, "But in a way, after such a long time...having a thing for him didn't necessarily mean he'd ever been with anyone else."

Doors to the outside pushed open, releasing a tidal-wave of bitter cold air. It hit Yuri's face like a sand-blaster, leaving his cheeks with the feeling of pins and needles as he stepped outside, Jiro scrambling through under his feet. The pup tried to turn around and get his nubbins on something less frigid, but the door had already closed, and the cold, frozen concrete was all he had to stand on.

"C'mon, Jiro...go do your business so we can go back inside. There's no way you don't have to pee." Yuri insisted, crossing his arms over himself as he looked for a spot off the snow-blown path that looked like it might be appropriate. He stepped up to a small ridge of piled-up frost and kicked it flat, brushing packed chunks aside with his blade-guards until he could see a bit of frozen grass at the bottom. Jiro seemed to know what to do, and had himself a little puppy-wee before briskly rushing back to the end of his lead in a mad dash for the door. Yuri waited a second, kicking snow over the yellow spot, and then followed, pulling the door open to let the warmth of the inside wash over them both. Jiro shook himself out and fluffed up a little, and his tail wagged as he lifted his head towards his human. Yuri brushed his arms off and rubbed his hands over his cheeks, "You're probably starving by now, too...it's been an age since we let you have a break. I need to change anyway so let's get back."

The pup yipped and followed along. Yuri pulled out his phone and loaded up a text message, typing away as he watched-and-walked. It took a while to get the answer he was looking for, having arrived at his gear bag already and pulled it up over a shoulder before he felt his phone vibrate in his hand. He gave it a quick glance, thumbed a brief reply, and put the device away, then looked down to his Akita puppy again, "Okay, she's coming...let's get going so she doesn't have to wait long."

Another yip, and the skater started plodding off towards the changing room. Once he was there, and closed the stall door behind himself, he set his bag down on the bench at the back and pulled out a small paper plate and a little tin of wet puppy food, cracking it open and setting it down into a corner for Jiro to eat. The pup seemed famished, diving into it eagerly, leaving Yuri to hang the handle of the leash up around the coat-hook bolted to the inside of the door, and then sat back to start untying his skates.

He got one blade off before he paused, watching Jiro for a moment.

I wish things could be as simple as they are for you... The biggest problem you have to think about every day is how many hours you'll nap, and whether you'll be able to get table-scraps... Why does being a human have to come with so many problems...?

Yuri sighed and started untying the second skate's laces, pulling the bowed knot loose before unhooking the woven strings from each hook on the front of his ankle.

Maybe it's just me though... This is my first relationship and I'm already married. Don't people normally go through 2 or 3 before they settle? I'm barely 25, too... Did I jump in too fast...? Even our engagement came and went in the blink of an eye. We never really had a phase where we were just dating...

His cheeks went pink despite his frustration, and he let the second boot drop to the floor under the bench before pushing to stand. Fingers groped for the zipper on the front of his white Olympic jacket to pull it down, and expose the Exhibition costume he'd kept hidden underneath.

Sometimes it's still so hard to really grasp that we are married... In my head, I know it's been almost a year...but in my heart, it feels like it's been this way since the beginning of time, and it's just the world around us trying to catch up to our reality. I can't imagine my life without Viktor, and yet...I'm so bad at being what he needs... He's had and abandoned past relationships...what's really stopping him from doing the same to this one? A pair of Gold rings...? Rings that weren't even bought with the intention of being for an engagement... At least, not the one that I bought...

Costume pieces started to come off, and each one was folded or hung in its appropriate place before being stowed in the garment bag that it had all come in. Yuri dug around at the bottom of his gear tote and found a second garment bag, pulling it out to hang the hook of metal poking from the top just over Jiro's leash. The first bag was gently eased into the latter's place, careful not to squash it in a reckless way, and he turned back to the one he'd just hung up, reaching for the zipper on the front to pry it open.

Even though we'd grown so close over the months that he'd been with me as my coach...it was all still unofficial, so there was that wall...that cloud of uncertainty all around our supposed intimacy. Were either of us that serious at the time? Were we just screwing with each other...? Teasing, like performers do? Yurio would accuse Viktor of cavorting with the enemy because he was giving away all his talent and experience to someone outside of Russia, but...that means I was doing the same thing. Viktor wasn't the enemy to me...but he was so far out of my league...and yet, there he was, on my doorstep... And as much as I hate to think it, Asahi was right about some things, at least for a while...I really did let Viktor do and say whatever he wanted without argument because of who he was to me...

.

"So you've eaten this dish recently then?"

"Yes, yes...I eat it all the time."

"Why though? You haven't won anything...Kobuta-chan."

.

"Kobuta-chan can't get into the rink until he's lost all the weight! He has to be at least as light as he was in Sochi."

.

"Even a piece of coal has to be put under intense pressure before it can become a diamond. Right? Kobuta-chan."

.

Hands reached into the garment bag, feeling at the silky material within. He hesitated to pull the first part of the costume out though, and sat back on the edge of the bench again, resting his elbows on his knees as he wove his fingers through his hair, holding still there with his despairing thoughts.

I'm used to it now, but for a long time, as close as I wanted to be to Viktor, and as much as it hurt to think that he might ever leave me...it wasn't because I wanted to be physical with him... My heart and soul needed him... When I asked him to be mine and take care of me until I retired, and he said he hoped I never did...I knew that meant he felt the same... But it still never occurred to me that we'd ever actually be like this, even in spite of his saying my words sounded like a marriage proposal... I thought he was just...being Viktor... Dramatic...

Yuri lowered his right hand and looked at the gleaming yellow band around his finger. He reached over with his left and pulled it off, looking at the inside of the band, and his half of the snowflake engraving that they'd commissioned during their stay in St. Petersburg.

Every little gesture, every inch forward that I took towards him...I can remember how much happier he was. How much more relaxed he became. It was like the attention I paid him filled him with light and life, and his joy changed... It wasn't just the pride of a World Champion anymore...it was real and true happiness. This past year though...it's just been so hard, ever since Four Continents...

He kissed the band, holding the curve of metal against his lips for a moment before sliding it back into its groove at the base of his 4th right finger, and pushed up to stand again. At his ankles, Jiro was licking the bottom of the plate, having eaten absolutely everything already. Yuri just stood there though, crossing his arms over himself as he looked on at the outfit barely seen within the gap in the front of the garment bag.

Learning so much about Viktor...his family, his past, his struggles... The way those traumas cling to him and follow him around like a storm-cloud, always waiting and ready to pour down all over him... As much as I try to be an umbrella and protect him from the worst, he still gets soaking wet. I feel like I can't protect him. ...I can't make him happy anymore like I used to; there's just so much more happening now. So many more people involved...and I'm stretched so thin, trying to make everyone happy, all the while trying to keep the bad from getting too close to Viktor's heart. Maybe I'm so used to fighting the really hard battles, like against his father, that I don't know how to do the easy ones anymore without going over the top. I... I gave Asahi the same level of dedication that I gave to Konstantin at NHK, but the intensity of it in Sapporo was so much more concentrated, culminating in those two key moments, after the SP and before the Exhibition... With Asahi, it's been constant, practically all weekend long, even following us home yesterday. Leaving Osaka was equal parts about getting my costumes as it was just getting away from him...

Yuri sighed again and shook his head, reaching then for the dark pants that were folded over the wooden, horizontal bar at the base of the triangular coat-hanger. A few easy motions, and he pulled them over his legs, leaving them unbuttoned for the moment as he reached for the black dress-shirt that followed, tucking it into the waist-band before fastening the hidden clasps.

With all that focus on trying to make the situation with him better, even though I did it with the hope that it would mean clear-sailing at 4Cs and Worlds, plus the Olympics in all likelihood...I completely neglected Viktor's immediate needs. He's gone his whole life desperately seeking affirmation and validation that he's worth something, that he climbed to the top of the world and became the greatest skater of our generation, and so many more to come...but none of that could satisfy him. It wasn't the kind of attention his heart needed. He was seeking a kind of personal connection that he could never get from fans or fellow athletes, or even his friends... His life and love were never buoyed by someone who could see past his fame and celebrity... Not even me, much as I tried... I sometimes can't see the difference between him being my hero and my husband...

He pulled the next part out, sliding his arms through it and clasping it across the front, clicking the snap buttons at his elbows and smoothing the whole thing out around his frame.

He gave me everything he had, but for some reason, I just can't give the same back. Am I too stupid and inexperienced in relationships...? There's so much he sees because he's been through the highs and lows before, that I don't because I've only ever been with him... I don't even know how to give him the kind of constant affirmation and recognition he needs to feel secure with me, the way I do with him... And after today, he'll probably be angry at me for doing this program, too, if he's even there to see me do it.

Yuri pinched the bridge of his nose to stave off the tears he could feel threatening to bubble up behind his eyes, then quickly reached for his white jacket again, pulling over everything to hide and protect his outfit. He gathered up all the rest of his scattered things to pack them away, and sat back down to pull his skates back on.

I wish I knew how to dial it back like he says I should, so he can feel assured that he's the only person I have in my heart. I just can't help but try to be supportive to people when I see them struggling... If I don't try my best, it would be like taking a step back and consciously allowing the worst... I'd just feel guilty, for seeing the train coming and letting it hit, knowing all the while that I could've stepped in and pushed the person out of the way. Viktor must feel like that's what I did with Asahi, except...now that I've pushed him out of the way, I'm stuck on the other side of the track as the train keeps flying by, and we can't reach each other... He's calling out to me and I can't get to him!

His vision blurred slightly as he felt those tears fill his eyes, but he clenched them shut, refusing to let them get away from him like they always did. Jiro stole his attention then anyway, looking up at him with a fuzzy muzzle wet with brown puppy-food gravy, and his tongue sticking out in an adorable blep. Maybe it was a mlem. Yuri wasn't sure.

"You're cute but you're filthy." He said quietly, giving his mind the briefest reprieve from his earlier thoughts. He quickly tied the remaining laces and got back up to his feet, leading his puppy out of the stall with his gear-bag on his back. He felt a brief, warm flutter in his chest as he passed through the space where most of their weekend's real problems began...casting a side-eye towards the spot where he'd hit the wall with the edge of his fist after it all happened, but then looked forward again to the row of sinks and mirrors lining the far wall. He tossed out the dirty paper plate and empty tin, grabbed a paper towel, and picked Jiro up to sit him on the counter, making the towel a little wet before using it to wipe the pup's muzzle. All that done, Jiro was set gently back onto the floor, and the pair pushed through the door to get back outside.

Yuri looked up and around in case Viktor was looking for him, but saw him nowhere. His brow furrowed and he stepped on, heading out to the area where fans could gather, spotting Minako just past the security barrier.

"Yuri!" She called out, stepping closer as he stuck his head through the doors. She saw the slight darkness on his face though and gave a worried look, even as she picked up the pup and took the leash from the man's hand, "You okay?"

"...Uhm...it's hard to explain." He answered hesitantly, "Sorry to interrupt the Exhibition for this."

"It's fine. I'm going to go right back. You sure you're alright? Where's Viktor?"

"With Asahi."

"...Alone?"

"With his coach and choreographer, I guess."

"Oh..."

"That's why I have to give Jiro to you. I don't know if I'll see them again before I go out. Asahi was pretty messed up after he got done."

Minako nodded, "Yeah, I thought that's what was happening... It's hard to see his face from the stands, even with the Jumbotron, but that song choice, and the way he acted at the end..."

"...Yeah..."

"Anyway, you should get moving, your second turn will be soon. I'll find you again after?"

"Okay. Thanks."

The door clicked shut between them, and Yuri made his way towards the prep area, dropping off his backpack before stepping through the blue curtains toward rink-side.

Viktor... I wish I knew what to do...

In that empty conference room, Asahi's grieving had quieted down somewhat, leaving him a trembling, red-faced, wet, hoarse mess. Viktor and Webber had, by then, fully entered the room to allow for the door to be closed and avoid unwanted attention. The Russian sat on the edge of the raised platform, but kept his back to the whole scene, legs stretched out and ankles crossed, as well as his arms folded over his chest. All he could think about was the sight of his partner's frame walking away from him at the end of the hall.

Asahi finally pulled the scarf and hood away, using them, damp as they were, to try and dry his face. When he pulled them away from his eyes, he got his first look around the room since getting in there, and realized the small group that had been there with him the whole time. Despite his hiccupped breaths, he managed to speak, "S...Sorr-ry... F-for dragging...y-you all into th-this..."

"It's okay. We wouldn't leave you alone right now." Coach Nagisa answered for them, "We're sorry...for not knowing what was really going on all this time... We could've supported you all along but we just...had no idea."

Asahi lowered his gaze to the blotches of wet on the sleeves of his dark-colored Team Japan jacket, but he could only nod as he choked on a few more shallow breaths. Strands of black and teal hair stuck to his skin, peeling free as he reached a shaky hand up to rub his eyes again.

"I wish you could've felt safe enough before to trust us with the hurt you had these past two years." Sayoko went on, "Viktor told us just now what was really going on, but... I'm sure there's much more to it than just that."

The skater nodded, turning his head to the right to see the Russian's back towards him. He was surprised to realize that Viktor was alone though. He turned even more, scanning the room, thinking maybe the last member of their small group had just gone somewhere out of sight, but his evaluation only confirmed what he already supposed, "Wh-where...is Yuri...?"

"Gone." Viktor answered simply, quietly, and lowered his eyes to the floor, "He left a while ago."

The younger man's gaze returned to the silver legend, "Wh-why...?"

"Who knows?" He shrugged, "He didn't say anything before he left. I only just noticed he was leaving when he was already too far away to ask."

Asahi was stunned, less so from the knowledge that Yuri had walked off than he was at the lackadaisical response Viktor was giving to it. There was a sadness on the man's demeanor that he, even in the midst of his own anguish, could easily feel, "Y-you need...to fin-find him..."

"I'm sure I'll run into him before we all leave." Viktor lowered his head again, tightening up where his arms folded over his chest.

"N-no...Senpai..." Asahi started again, rubbing his eyes on a dry part of his sleeve, "Y-you guys are...f-fighting... You n- ...You need to find him..." He managed, forcing out the words despite how much his throat hurt.

One slate eye peered back over a shoulder.

"D-don't...don't ever let him th-think...that he's in t-trouble..." He went on, "He-...he's too s-sensitive... He c-cares...too much...to handle it... Not from y-you..."

Viktor kept his head turned, but focused his eyes forward, staring at the wall on the other side of the room, then the floor.

"He l-loves you...too much... Don't...waste so much t-time...on stupid, little things... Don't...ever let...petty misunders-standings...get in the way." Asahi pleaded, one hand reaching out to grasp unexpectedly at the back of the Russian's long coat. His eyes filled with tears again, and he uttered the last words he thought he could manage, "Love him...like he'll d-die tomorrow...! FIND HIM NOW!"

A fire lit under the silver legend's arse that was so hot, he bolted from the room. Despite the surprised stares from the two older figures in the room, Viktor was on a mission, and he rushed as quickly as he could to anywhere he thought his husband might have gone.

Lights in the arena dimmed, and a single spotlight followed Yuri onto the ice. Gold blades left simple scratches in their wake as he moved around, the cheering from the audience at a fever pitch to see him again.

[As many know, due to an unfortunate accident, Men's Gold medalist, Viktor Nikiforov, will not be able to skate for himself at this Exhibition... In his place, is your Men's Bronze medalist, and Viktor's husband, Yuri Nikiforov...!] The announcer called overhead, following the man to the center of the rink, [Tonight, Skater Yuri will perform to one of Viktor's past Gold medal performances...!]

The audience roared again, and Yuri took his position, setting one toe-pick down into the ice behind the other blade. Arms were loose at his sides, his head bent down, his eyes closed. Under the spotlights, the twinkle off his blue, sheer jacket, shimmered like starlight...and the soft hum of familiar music began all around him.