(Author's Note: OC/Asahi chapter. Skip if you don't care.)
CHAPTER FOUR HUNDRED SIX
Wakkanai, Sōya Prefecture, Hokkaido.
The northernmost city in Japan...and in very-late December, it was a city covered in deep snow. Light through the dense cloud-cover gave the area a pale haze, as though it was all just an old photo with dim back-lighting. The only color visible from the rail line was the deep, dark blue of the Sea of Japan beyond the shore.
The train - Ltd. Exp. Sōya - like a steel behemoth, pushed on through to the small city station covered in frost. It was sparsely occupied; most of the train-car's interior was populated by empty teal seats lined up in pairs, white sheets draped over the headrests. At the back, sitting nearly alone, Asahi had given up trying to distract himself from the impending arrival with the self-tease regarding how his hair matched the upholstery, but the quiet announcement of the station being within eyesight pulled at him like hooks. He drew a deep breath, and glanced outside, watching the winter landscape come to a gradual halt as the train slowed, and eventually came to a stop. He wrapped himself up tightly, knowing full-well that the frozen air would feel like needles against any exposed skin.
With the doors open, he and the four other people who had traveled north that day exited the rail-car, and made the brisk walk towards the indoor terminal. Asahi hauled all his things with him, looking around for a map, and saw one under Plexiglas on the far side of the first hall. A graveyard wasn't something to advertize though, and he had no luck finding it.
I'll have better luck just asking the locals where it is...
A taxi wasn't hard to find once he'd passed through the rest of the train terminal and exited on the other side. For all that the countryside was buried under snow, the city and its streets, from that new vantage, seemed clear enough. Asahi went for the nearest car that looked on, tapped on the window to alert the driver, and moved to open the rear seat. The driver quickly got out, greeted him, and helped put his suitcase into the trunk before they both piled back into the vehicle itself.
[Where do you need to go? A hotel?]
[Probably...but not just yet. I'm trying to find someone first.]
[I can take you to places but not people. People don't have addresses.]
[I know... This one hasn't gone anywhere in 2 years though.] Asahi explained hesitantly, [I need to find the city's graveyard.]
Slightly spooked, the driver nodded and put the car in gear, [Lucky you, there's only one.]
The drive was moderately slow, but careful, meandering through the city's center before heading west. Asahi analyzed every building they passed, every face; there were more people out and about than he expected.
I guess the locals are so used to the weather, that they make fun of us southerners for staying home in conditions half this bad. I wonder what it's like in the summer? ...Did Riku like it here, or did he feel trapped? He never really talked about it.
The cemetery was connected to an off-street, and occupied the entirety of a reasonably large hill. The gravestones, from what could be seen from the road, weren't as densely packed as Asahi had worried they would be...but there were still hundreds of them. He swallowed nervously and paid the cabby the fare he owed, then stepped out, gathered up his bags, and ventured forward.
The entrance was a towering, but old, white Shinto arch, with paint peeling from the corners and ice frosting the two posts that held it up. The top was covered in a foot-thick layer of snow, which from the ground, looked more like pale concrete than snowpack. He passed under it, and scanned the first path into the eerie landscape.
The hillside had been carved into tiers, much like rice fields, but instead of water-laden paddies with small stalks of grass-like rice plants poking up, there were small towers of granite and marble, some much older than others, and all of them caked in ice. Each stack stood about 4 feet high, with a flat foundation stone on the ground, a bigger square base-stone to start the bottom of the marker itself, a medium-sized stone on top of that, and finally, a rectangular stone above that, pointing upward, with Kanji carved into the face of it. In front of the whole display was a smaller square stone for the placement of flowers and other offerings, and in front of that, on a smaller flat marker, was a box-like monument for incense.
Some graves, in spite of the snow, had been dusted off and flowers had been placed, even that early in the day. Asahi checked his phone and found that it was barely after 2pm. When he put it back into his pocket, he let his eyes scan the entire grim, white field, and it really settled in that he was in over his head.
...It could take me days to find him in this place...and that's under the assumption that his family even put his ashes here. I'm doing this all wrong...
He sighed, but pressed on.
I can't let that hold me back though. I've been making excuses to avoid this place for too long.
Thus, the search began. Every stone was systematically examined and the names read quietly. Mercifully, the snow that caked the headstones only really accumulated on the horizontal surfaces, leaving the flat verticals where the names were carved with only a slight frosty glaze that could still be read through.
Asahi's finger went numb as time wore on. Thirty minutes into his search, he abandoned his suitcase and bag, setting them both neatly on the side of the path, and withdrew a few items carefully. He had no worry about anything being taken. That's not how things worked there. The search was a little easier then, with hands in coat-pockets rather than clamped - frozen - around bag handles and exposed to the elements. Another hour passed that way...but then he spotted it.
Itō...
Anxious to be certain it was the right Itō marker, Asahi went down to his knees and carefully brushed away the snow from the smaller stones in front of the larger monument. There were several names he didn't know. The pain in his chest returned, and his ski-goggles fogged from the inside. Fingers turned red from the cold as frost was moved out of the way, and they hurt, but he wouldn't stop. Not until he saw it.
Riku... Born 1993.04.14, Died 2015.12.26...22 years old.
This is it...
Seeing the small marker amidst all the others, Asahi hadn't noticed the recently-placed flowers at the front of the grave. Though they were covered in snow, the color of the petals could still be seen beneath it where the snow could not stick. They were as obvious as anything though once he started cleaning off the entire grave and had to temporarily lift the thin metal vases to clear their platforms. Once the snow was all gone, and the entire old marble gravestone could be seen, Asahi stood back on the path and just looked at it sadly.
Keep it together...
He pulled off his hood, hat, and loosened his scarf, so his entire head and face were exposed, and he swallowed painfully, the front of his throat already clenching fiercely, "...It...took me all this time... But I'm finally here..." He said, pulling out the items he'd gotten out of his bags from his pockets, before stuffing the garments back in their place. One was the small framed photo he'd prayed to before his Short Program, the other was a small wrapper of incense. He set the photo down in its place on the small shrine, and lit the incense sticks, setting them sideways on the stone before it.
Hands came up as though in offering, sides together, palms facing him, and he took his time to say a prayer.
I've carried you with me all this time, and spoke of you as only a friend... It went on like that for so long that I started to believe the lie...because it hurt less than knowing otherwise. After everything you'd done, and all the support and patience you showed for me...I turned my back and said you were just a rink-mate..
The guilt weighed on him again, as heavy as ever.
You offered me your love, your home even...took me in, and gave me sanctuary when you knew I'd need it. You gave me everything you had, and all you wanted in return was some acknowledgement that I appreciated it...that I appreciated you...and the best I could do was some long-winded admission that I wasn't pining after Yuri anymore... Aside from the fact that I survived...that has made me feel the most guilty of all. That I wasn't able to love you the way you deserved, and that I didn't realize how far short I'd fallen until after I'd lost you...and couldn't do it anymore...
Tears froze on his face, but he held still. The sound of the wind in his hair, and a distant dog bark, was all that he could hear. It was serene.
If the words 'I'm so sorry' are all I ever say for as long as I live, it still wouldn't come close to expressing how badly I feel for all of that... I tell myself that I would've changed after we went through with our plans in Kyoto, that I would've been more open, honest, caring...attentive...but the fact that we never made it... The fact that I put it off, delaying everything as though on ceremony...I can't forgive myself. The fact that I lived, and you didn't...I can't forgive myself. I just...can't...
He lowered his hands, and then his knees, pressing them down into the snow before bowing deeply to the grave marker, hoping the ashes under it would notice.
I feel like the only way I can atone for this...is to never love again. I've finally come to terms with how I felt...feel...about you, and I just can't imagine ever letting it go. I've told Yuri...and Viktor...even my coach, and choreographer...
The sound of the wind faded down, and Asahi lifted up from his dogeza, even as the sound of distant barking became louder, closer. He balled his red hands into fists on his lap and lowered his face in shame.
I've been such a coward all these years. It took you and your death, two years of denial...and getting in the middle of Yuri's marriage...to finally realize it. But I'm tired of hiding. If the only way I can honor your memory now is to be as open about it as Yuri and Viktor are with themselves, then...that's what I'll do. When I'm done in Wakkanai, I'm going to tell everyone else. I'm going to make sure my family knows what we were, and what we wanted to be...
He tried to open his eyes, but found that they'd frozen shut by his lashes. Reluctantly, he reached up with one hand, and used his frozen fingers to scrape away the ice. When he opened them again though...what he saw startled him.
A rather large, snow-white dog, with a honey-colored tint to its ears and the fur along its spine. Nearly-black eyes looked back at him from where the creature stood, just a few feet to his left. Teeth were suddenly bared, and Asahi veered back, leaning away in confusion and horror. The dog reacted strangely to his surprised yelp though...its ears, pressed against its head before, suddenly prickled up, and narrowed eyes opened. It stammered a step forward, only to lunge a moment later, crying out loudly and whining as it threw itself to the snow next to where he sat.
[...Wh-what in the world...!?]
The dog's cries were loud lamentations, as though it were reacting to a soldier coming home from a long trip away. Yips and whines, barks and gurgles; the dog threw itself at Asahi's frame, rolling all over him and knocking him back down to the ground, only to smother him even more despite his attempts to shield himself.
"Hana!" An unexpected voice called, [Get off that guy! What are you doing!? Hana!]
This can't be...
[Oh...my god... It's really him... He really came.] Another voice, this one a woman's, [Hana, to me!]
The dog whined a bit more, and reluctantly did as bid, settling down in an overwhelmed pile of wiggles and rolls near the woman's feet. Two other sets of feet seemed to approach, and two pairs of hands went down to the snow to help Asahi back to sitting upright.
Grey eyes looked around in confusion, first at the dog, then the older woman gaping at him beside it, then to the people who'd helped him get up; both men, one much older and the other younger than himself.
[She didn't hurt you, did she?] The elder asked, ruffling a mittened-hand through teal and black hair, checking for blood and finding none, [I've never seen her do that before. We're so sorry.]
[Dear, that's Asahi!] The woman said, getting their attention back, [That's Riku's boyfriend!]
Asahi's heart could've exploded to hear those words, but everything was so crazy and bewildering that he barely had time to think, let alone react physically.
[I figured that out myself!] The older man answered back, [Who else would be crazy enough to sit in the graveyard like this right now?]
[What's going on? Who are you all...?] Asahi finally managed, trying to straighten his hair out and really look at the group. The dog was still whining pitifully, inching closer with every second that passed where she wasn't being told not to move. Before long, the dog was right in his lap, curled tail wagging and desperate licks trying to get at his face, [I'm sorry...]
[We're the Itō family.] The younger man explained, [And we got your message.]
Asahi's eyes went wide as saucers.
.
A fireplace was an uncommon thing in most of Japan, but in that house at the northernmost tip of the nation, the sight of it was a welcome departure from the norm. Asahi sat in front of it on the floor, a mat under him, and an oddly-clingy Hokkaido-ken breed of husky-like Japanese dog curled up next to him, refusing to take her head off his leg. The dog's fur was still a bit cool and damp from the snow though, so he kept his hands gestured towards the small fire. His suitcases were by the front door.
[It's so hard to believe that you actually came after so long.] The matriarch said, returning to the room with a tray of hot tea and several cups. She sat on her knees next to a low table and started setting everything out before each person who was there.
The house was old fashioned, a grand sight different than the modern hotel Asahi had gotten used to in Osaka. There were photos and heirlooms everywhere, though everything had its place and the room was still exceptionally organized despite how much had been packed into it. Asahi noted a few pictures that included what, he could only assume, were Riku in much-younger days.
[Asahi-san,] The woman said again, trying to get his attention as she started pouring the hot liquid, [We would've reached out to you sooner... We just didn't know how to get hold of you. After the accident, and you called it off with your coach, it was impossible to get your phone number. The JSF simply wouldn't tell us what it was. And we couldn't use Riku's phone either-]
He jerked his head up and looked over his shoulder at the mention of it, [...You couldn't? Why not?]
[We...don't know the password.]
[You have it!?] Asahi said in a panic, a desperate look on his face.
[Of course we do,] The younger man said, sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the small table, [What'd you think I meant when I said we got your message?]
[...What message...? I'm sorry, my head's spinning...]
[You texted my brother's phone.] He explained, [We couldn't answer it, but we saw what you said because of the preview on the lock-screen. You called it, too, remember? Left a voicemail.]
[...You...couldn't listen to it though, right?] Asahi asked, trying to catch up.
[Right.]
[So many people tried to call him after that day,] Riku's mother said sadly, putting the tea-pot down and offering the steaming cup over, [All we could do was watch the text messages come in, not being able to answer because we couldn't unlock it. Everyone who sent messages was part of Riku's contact list though, so we had no number that we could call from any other phone to text people back. Their names may as well have been missing, for all the good it did. We were too scared and upset to answer the phone-calls back then, too...]
[I can unlock it...!] Asahi finally managed to say, taking the tea, and a small sip so it wouldn't burn. He coughed, but then shook his head and repeated himself, [I can unlock Riku's phone...I know the passcode...!]
[Hayate, give it over!]
[Oh, yeah...sure.] The younger man grimaced, unsure he really wanted to do so, but eventually parted with it.
Asahi choked up just looking at it; that same silly phone-case with the silver holographic pattern was still wrapped around it. The screen was pristine though, which was odd, and he couldn't help but stop there, [...It wasn't...damaged in the accident?]
[It was smashed up.] Hayate corrected, sitting back and crossing his arms, [We fixed it so we could keep an eye on it. Mom thought you'd call it, cuz we can answer a phonecall without knowing the code.]
[...I...] Asahi stammered, looking back down at it in disbelief, [It never even crossed my mind... Losing him was devastating. I knew I'd lost him. There was...no point calling. I thought his phone was destroyed anyway.] He tried to catch his breath and shook his head again, cradling the phone against his chest, [I guess my 5am phone-call probably threw you all off.]
[We actually didn't know you'd called until Hayate woke up and saw the phone had new messages.] The matriarch explained, [He's very protective of that thing. It was on silent overnight though.]
[...I...think I might've died if someone answered.] Asahi said nervously, pulling the phone back to look at the unblemished screen again, and his reflection in it, [I sent the text message and then panicked about how many someone else had been assigned his number. Then I called...and heard his voice...] His own cracked then, [I'm sorry, I've...been having a really hard time with this lately... It's all come back to me like it just happened... I'm...trying to do things right this time.]
[It's okay; take your time.]
He nodded, and pressed his thumb against the flat round button on the bottom of the phone's face. The first thing he saw was the denial message for his thumb-print, then the passcode numbers that manifested above it...then the background photo. Something so oddly mundane; a photo of Hana from when she was half her current size. He focused back on the number-pad though, [The code...] He hesitated a moment, then typed it in...and the phone unlocked. Eyes filled with tears again as he looked down on the wallpaper; a selfie Riku had taken of them both, with Riku clinging to his chest, showing off exactly how much shorter he was, the top of his head barely coming up under Asahi's chin. His arm came forward towards the screen, showing that it was him who'd taken the pic, and he was smiling excitedly. Meanwhile, Asahi's visage just showed him slightly flustered and red-cheeked, like the glomp (and the subsequent photo) had come as a surprise.
One hand went up to cover his eyes as the other drooped down against his knee, the phone still in his fingers.
[Could you...tell us the number you used?] Riku's mother asked quietly.
[15 11 20.] He answered back, [He reset it...to the day we got together...so he'd never forget.]
[Okay...]
Asahi shook his head and focused despite his anguish, examining the new display. The little red dots hovering over half a dozen different app bubbles; dozens of text messages, phone calls, voicemails, and app update requests that had gone unanswered. He clicked into the text messages first, skimming over the list, but not daring to click into any of them
If I touch any of these by accident, whoever is on the other side will get their 'Sent' notification changed to 'Seen.' I don't want to freak anyone out...but...
He touched into the most recent one, showing his own name. A moment later, he pulled up his own phone, just to see that very notification change over. He set it down again and went back to Riku's device, closing out of the texts to go to the photo folder instead. There were thousands of pictures, all neatly organized into different folders. Asahi was tempted just to load the main folder to see everything, but he caught sight of one labeled [Us 朝日] and went into it instead.
He labeled this folder with my name and 'us'...?
There, he was greeted with a year's worth of pictures; half from before that fated Skate Canada weekend when they'd been alone, and half from after.
Oh...
Videos and pictures of Asahi's skating practice and random other times dotted the screen, all rather innocuous for the pre-dating time. After, though...many more non-skating photos. A good chunk of them were of himself sleeping, or candid images that even Asahi couldn't place, [...Even with a phone, he was so good at taking pictures...] He then started to see images that he'd hoped to find; them together in the same frame, taking photos as any couple would...
All that time, it's like he was documenting our secret. I was always so nervous that he would post the pictures and force me to confront everything, but he never did...he just wanted the pictures to show that we had something, so he could look at them when we had to pretend we were nothing.
Tears rolled down his face again as he looked at each image, scrolling through and remembering each occasion as it displayed. Even some of the later ones that Riku had included Hana in; some of which were sweet, others funny. It hurt too much to laugh though, so even seeing a picture of his reaction to finding out Hana had mutilated one of his favorite T-shirts, and was holding it up with a big pout on his face, seen through a gaping hole in the center of the garment, Asahi couldn't let himself do more than choke a few hiccupped breaths.
[C-Can I...] He managed to say, his voice so strained that he barely made sense, [...Can I...have copies of all these...pictures...? Please...]
[We should be the ones to ask you that.] The older woman answered, [There's so much on that phone that's clearly about the lives you two had together, even for such a short period of time. Riku absolutely adored you. After what you said earlier...I think it would be best if you kept it.]
[MOM!?] Hayate barked suddenly.
[No, she's right.] The patriarch defended, holding a hand out to keep the young man where he was, [You've been saying for ages that if you could get into that phone, you'd use it yourself, but we never could, so we never thought what it would mean. People like Asahi...people who knew your brother...they all expect him to be on the other end of that line, not you. You can't just take his phone and number for yourself and stick it in everyone's faces. Don't you see what kind of heartbreak and trouble you'd cause if you started calling people who still have Riku in their caller ID?]
[I wouldn't though; I don't know any of th-]
[That's not the point.]
Hayate growled loudly, crossing his arms, [I've been holding onto that phone for the last 2 years and now you're just going to give it away to a guy Riku dated for less than 2 months?]
Asahi lifted his head and sneered slightly despite the tears in his eyes, [...I sincerely...hope that you never love so hard, and lose so quickly...and have to feel what I've felt. To look back on the time you had and wish you did everything differently, and be haunted by all the 'what ifs' that come with it. To not realize how precious something is to you until it's ripped out of your hands, taken from you, and have to deal with the fact that it's gone forever...]
The younger man didn't argue; he just looked away bitterly.
Asahi choked on the pain in his throat again, and tried to catch his breath, reaching for the tea that had cooled to luke-warm in the time that passed. Still, it soothed the muscles a little and helped to unclench them from where they'd tightened around his voice-box.
[So...what brought you all the way to Wakkanai now?] Riku's mother wondered, [Did something happen?]
[I...got back into skating this season...] He answered, eyes going back down to the photos, [And I ran into an old friend of mine, someone that I thought I loved once, a long time ago... Someone Riku helped me get over. I...did something horrible to him, because he reminded me of what I lost...and even after that, he still helped me sort out all the noise in my head.]
[...What...did you do?]
Asahi sighed and shook his head, [I kissed him. ...He's married.]
[Oh...]
[Even if he wasn't, I had no right to do that to him...] He brought his free hand up and rubbed his eyes on the side of his wrist, [This weekend has just...been so hard... But, it was because of him that I finally got the courage to come up here...and do all the things I meant to do 2 years ago...]
[How long were you going to stay here for?]
[Overnight.] Asahi answered, rubbing his nose next and snuffling, [I thought it would...take me longer to find you.] He lifted his head to look at the older woman, [How did you even...know when to check if I'd be here...?]
[Based on the timestamp from your messages to Riku's phone.] She explained, [When Hayate said you'd texted that you were coming, I went online to see if there was a competition you were at, because I couldn't imagine you just getting the idea out of the blue, not after so long. When we realized you were in Osaka for Nationals, we plotted out how we thought you would get here. We...thought about trying to meet you outside the cemetery, but we weren't sure if you'd get here on the plane from Tokyo or Sapporo, or by train...so we decided to meet you where we thought you'd go whenever you arrived. In the end...it was Hana who noticed you, though she obviously didn't know it was you until she heard your voice.] Eyes went down to the pale and exhausted dog, [Poor thing, she must think Riku's with you somewhere. She didn't take the separation well.]
Asahi glanced down at the creature, and ran his hand through her fur, over her belly and side, [I'll feel bad leaving her again, too. She's so much bigger than she was the last time I saw her, but she's clinging to me like she did to Riku back then...]
[Why don't you stay here for the night?]
Hayate glared, but no one offered any protest.
[...I couldn't... I don't want to impose...] Asahi attempted, feeling guilty already, [I just showed up out of nowhere...]
[You shouldn't be alone.] The matriarch said simply, [And Riku would've wanted you to stay. Hana will go crazy if you leave too quickly anyway.]
The skater held his breath for a moment, the whole thing heavy on him. He looked from Hana to the phone in his other hand, and then back up to the woman who'd made the offer, and nodded, [...Then...I'll stay the night.]