Disclaimer: I do not own rights to anything.
"Rachel...go home! And I mean that in the nicest way possible." Rachel glances at her friend briefly before returning her attention to the small cellular device in her hand.
"No and I mean that in the nicest way possible." Quinn sighs with a roll of her eyes and nudges Rachel's shoulder with her own.
"Listen, I get it. You're trying to cheer me up and I appreciate it but I really just...I just want to be alone Rach." Rachel frowns at Quinn's soft tone.
Each year has been just as bad as the first, no matter what. The first year, Quinn went home and spent time with her family and Maribel so that she wouldn't be alone on Christmas but it didn't dull the ache and actually made it that much worse. That year was the worse by far since she found herself drowning her sorrows in ice cream in Santana's room, clutching a pillow that still had the faint scent of her shampoo.
The second Christmas she'd decided to spend with her friends and while it offered an entertaining distraction, it didn't fill the void. There were plenty of laughs that night, attributed to the alcohol they'd acquired. Rachel and Kurt, her roommate and close friend, had decided to invite their high school friends to their place for a Christmas day extravaganza and all but one attended. Quinn was able to enjoy herself but she can't say she was happy by any means.
The third Christmas when she went on a ski trip with some college friends is when she realized, Christmas will never be the same and there's nothing she can do about it even though she's tried. All she's done is try. Try to be happy, try to enjoy her friends and family, try to be okay with the fact that Santana isn't here but she's only made that situation worse. The last time she talked to Santana, they argued and it went the same way it always does.
"Q, can we just...not? Please?" Quinn takes a calming breath but her head hurts and her heart is heavy.
"Santana, I don't, I'm not trying to fight! God knows, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want you to come home." Santana frowns as Quinn's voice cracks.
"I know. I'll be there and when I get back, I'm all yours. I promise." Quinn shakes her head, wiping her right eye with her knuckle.
"For how long? How long do I have to feel like this?" Santana sighs from her end of the phone.
"Quinn...you know that's not fair."
It was true. It wasn't fair that Quinn asked that of her but it also wasn't fair that either of them had to do this. It had taken them so long to get to this point, to admit that they wanted more than a friendship and take the next step so for Santana to do this and not even consider Quinn's feelings...how was she supposed to accept this? Truly accept the fact that Santana may never be here? How is she supposed to just be okay?
Every big moment in Quinn's life has been blunted because Santana wasn't there but she doesn't blame her for it. She knew what she was signing up for Santana told her about her decision but that doesn't make it any easier. Quinn wasn't able to tell Santana she'd passed her bar exam until a month after, or that she landed her dream job until she'd already been there a week and she hasn't seen Santana on a birthday in 2 years. Most days, she's okay with it and is able to manage by herself but Christmas always gets to her, this year especially.
Quinn was finally able to afford an apartment on her own and she'd been there for four months now. It was her new home and as gorgeous as it is, it's only ever felt like a lavish prison because when she gets home, no one is there.
"Quinn, I'm saying this because I love you." Rachel pauses, taking the blondes hand in her own.
"I don't care that you want to be alone. It's Christmas Eve and I'm not leaving."
"But why not?" The blonde almost pouts with her whine and Rachel rolls her eyes.
"Christmas is a time for unity and love as well as being your favorite holiday and you don't even have a tree this year!" Quinn's head instinctively turns to the far corner of her living room where her Christmas tree sat the week before.
Rachel is right. Christmas is Quinn's favorite holiday and time of the year. There's something magical in the air this time of year that puts Quinn in very high spirits and she did technically have a tree this year. It was an 8 foot white tree the she'd trimmed top to bottom with silver and gold tinsel, garland and ornaments galore. It was beautiful and all it needed was a star on top but that's when she got the call.
"I can't come back."
The remorse in Santana's voice was enough to keep Quinn from breaking down on the phone but not enough to stop her from ending the call. That just seems to happen every year. Santana's leave is denied or she's somewhere on a mission far from home. At this point, Quinn has given up hope she'll ever spend another Christmas with her girlfriend.
As she stood staring at the tree, it taunted her with crushed dreams of joyous Christmas mornings with gifts tucked underneath it and something snapped. She grabbed every ornament and sent them flying across her apartment to be quickly followed by the garland and tinsel and once she finally had a bare tree, she threw it from her balcony. Once she calmed herself she drank a bottle of wine curled up by her fireplace only moving to casually throw broken ornaments and tinsel to kindle the fire when needed.
"I hate Christmas!" Rachel jumped, startled at Quinn's harsh response. Quinn pulls her hand from Rachel's, standing from the white couch she walks into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of Chardonnay.
"You don't mean that!" Rachel says as she watches Quinn open the bottle and forgo a glass, bringing the bottle to her lips.
"Like hell I don't." Quinn says after swallowing.
"Quinn, you can't be this bitter. Why don't you try to enjoy the holiday?" Rachel pleads.
"For what? It's just another stupid day. Nothing special about it." Quinn shrugs.
"When did you become such a Grinch?"
"When my Grinch ran off to the Navy." Rachel frowns as Quinn brings the bottle of wine back to her lips.
"Quinn..." Rachel softly starts as she makes her way to her friend.
"I know this is hard for you..." Quinn glances at her friend over the bottle of wine.
"But this isn't the answer." Rachel grabs the bottom of the bottle, attempting to pull it down when she's met with resistance. Rachel uses more strength and eventually Quinn relents.
"You don't have a clue how hard this is for me Rachel. No one does." Quinn meant for her tone to be icy but her overwhelming sadness betrayed her. Sitting the bottle on the island, Rachel turns to her friend with a sad smile.
"I know. You're feelings are valid Quinn but I want you to know that as long as I'm breathing, you're not alone. I will always be here for you. Always." Quinn sighs as she looks down at the smaller woman putting a hand on her forearm.
"Thanks. Sorry, I'm a mess." Rachel waves dismissively with a smile.
"That's what I'm here for. You can be a mess with me. Now, offer a girl a drink. Being a poor host is very unbecoming of you Quinn." Quinn laughs softly with a shake of her head.
"I'm assuming you want a glass for your wine?" Rachel raises an eyebrow with a slight smirk.
"I think the bottle will suffice." Quinn chuckles as Rachel giggles grabbing the bottle and scurries back to the couch.
"Sometimes I forget Santana is anything other than a bitch. No offense." Quinn shrugs as she reaches out to take the bottle of wine from Rachel. They've migrated to the floor in front of the fire place with a few blankets for some cushion on the hardwood floors.
"None taken." Quinn isn't sure how Santana became the topic but she's not upset about it.
"You know, our first Christmas was kind of spent like this?" Rachel raises an eyebrow, urging her to continue.
"It was Senior year before we told everyone we were dating. I invited her over and after dealing with my family for one second too long, I went and hid in the basement. Santana eventually found me and was pissed." The pair laugh softly.
"You left her with your family? I'd be pissed too." Quinn nods.
"Yeah, but you know how my family is...I just couldn't take it anymore and she got that. Well, she got it eventually. After she calmed down, she picked the lock on my dads liquor cabinet and grabbed us a bottle of vodka. We sat on the floor in front of the TV the rest of the night talking about absolutely nothing and laughing our asses off." Rachel chuckles as Quinn smiles fondly.
"It was the best Christmas I've ever had. No gift could beat that." Quinn brings the bottle to her lips as Rachel coos.
"Aw, that's so sweet. Not the memory but what you said." Quinn rolls her eyes lightheartedly as she hands Rachel the bottle.
"You know, we all thought you guys would've been married by now." Quinn's eyes drift from Rachel's.
"Me too but with her re-enlisting...I don't know where we're going to end up. She's already given them six years." Rachel frowns.
"I thought she hadn't decided and that's why you guys were fighting?"
"She hasn't or she hasn't told me at least." Quinn shrugs.
"I don't know. You'd think this would get easier but it just doesn't. I'm not okay not waking up to her, holding her or even being able to call her when I want but it's not like she doesn't try. I get letters, pictures, videos...they just don't take her place." Rachel nods understandingly before sipping the wine.
"She knows this is hard for you." Quinn nods.
"I know. When I have really bad days I watch the video she sent me her first year. It was only a few months after she left but it still helps." Rachel's eyebrows furrow.
"It's not...a sexy video, is it?" Quinn turns to her friend with a flat affect before chuckling.
"No." Quinn giggles slightly.
"Sorry. You said video and since it's Santana...excuse me, I may have had a little too much to drink. You were saying?"
"Anyway, it's a video of her singing to me." Rachel smiles sweetly as Quinn takes he bottle from her.
"How sweet. Can I see?" Quinn purses her lips as she considers Rachel's question. Santana would kill her if she showed Rachel that video but how would she ever know?
"Fine, but you can't tell her." Rachel squeals in delight and sits up on her knees before crawling to Quinn as she grabs her phone.
After finding the video, the women watch as Santana appears on the screen in a green T-shirt tucked into her green camouflage print pants and her hair up into a neat bun. She's sitting on a bed and with guitar in hand.
"You've got like 2 minutes." A female voice comments and Santana rolls her eyes.
"Shut up." Her eyes shift to the camera and she smiles.
"I know you don't like that I'm here and these next few years are gonna suck, but I love you and I still want you to think about what we talked about before I left." Santana then looks down at the guitar in her hand before she begins strumming. Once she lifts her head, the women begin to hear her sing.
"I'd been afraid
I'd been away too long
Every city whispering your name
Won't ask you to wait
But darling when I get home
I'm hoping that you might still feel the same." Santana pauses, licking her lips.
"If you go, I think I'd understand
It's not that easy holding my hand
But you should know, that I miss you all the time
And I wish that I could tell you that we'll be alright
But I can't be where you are tonight." The camera shifts slightly and Santana's head turns to the left as if she heard something out of frame.
"I gotta go baby. Talk to you as soon as I can." Santana blows a kiss and the video ends. Quinn smiles softly, only turning her head when she hears Rachel sniffle and sit back.
"That was so sweet and sad." Quinn nods.
"Yeah, she's re-recorded it over the years but this is my favorite version." Rachel wipes her eyes gently.
"We're you guys going to end things?" Quinn shakes her head.
"After Santana told me she enlisted, she told me not to wait for her and there would be no hard feelings."
"Santana can do no hard feelings?" Quinn laughs softly.
"Definitely not but she wanted what was best for me and I just want her. I'd rather figure out how to deal with this for the rest of my life than -" Quinn pauses when Rachel holds up a hand, the other sitting on her chest.
"Don't finish that sentence unless you want me to cry." Quinn chuckles and gets to her knees before standing.
"Okay, you've had enough to drink. Time for bed." Quinn says as she extends her hand to a pouting Rachel.
"I have not but I am tired." Rachel uses Quinn's hand to pull herself to her feet and swings her arm around the taller woman's waist. In response, Quinn puts her arm over Rachel's shoulders.
"You're really drunk, aren't you?" Rachel tries to roll her eyes but she just gets dizzy.
"Yes. Just help me to the couch." Quinn rolls her eyes but guides her friend to the couch before going to get her a pillow. Once she's back, Quinn drapes a blanket over Rachel and chuckles as she clutches it tightly before closing her eyes.
"Night Rach." Rachel sighs contentedly before responding.
"Night Quinn. I hope you like your gift. Merry Christmas..." Quinn sends Rachel a questioning look but it doesn't matter since she's already on her way to sleep. On her way to her bedroom, Quinn sighs and hopes tomorrow won't be as bad as it's been in the past.
Of all the times Santana has wanted to kill Rachel, this one takes the cake. Everything was perfect. Perfect! Until Rachel added extra steps to her plan. Quinn's hobbit friend is just lucky that Santana wants her girl to have a good Christmas. Sighing, Santana calls Rachel's phone again and finally receives a groggy hello.
"What the hell, Berry? I told you to stay awake!" Santana glances at the glass doors before her and rolls her eyes at the doorman who refuses to let her in.
"Well, Quinn and I decided to -"
"Berry, I don't need the rant, just let me in. It's fucking snowing!"
"Well it is winter in New York, Santana." Santana clenches her jaw and tries to remain calm.
"Get your hobbit ass down here and let me in." Rachel's eyes narrow as she sits up on the couch.
"I'll be there shortly." Santana sighs as Rachel ends the call and stuffs her hands into her pockets as she waits, glaring at the older doorman.
Soon was at least fifteen minutes in the cold before Rachel showed up and as annoyed as Santana is she decides to focus her energy else where and give Rachel a pass. Once they reach the apartment, Rachel helps Santana bring in her things and Santana looks around.
"Q, did not over sell it. This is a really nice place." Rachel turns on the living room light and nods.
"Yes, well, let's get to work shall we?" Santana pulls off her hat and slips out of her boots.
"Start with out me." Rachel watches Santana's retreating form briefly before grabbing the box she'd helped Santana carry in.
Santana tiptoes into Quinn's bedroom, holding back a chuckle when she hears the woman snore. She makes her way to Quinn, smiling down at her sleeping form before moving some hair from her face. Tears begin to pool in Santana's eyes as she cups Quinn's cheek. Being away from her has been extremely difficult and it's been ten months since she'd last felt her skin.
Carefully, Santana presses a gentle kiss to Quinn's lips and as she pulls away she's met with Hazel eyes gazing at her. Freezing, Santana watches as Quinn's eyes close again and she mumbles something before turning on her stomach, giving Santana the opportunity to escape happy she didn't ruin her own surprise. Once Santana is back in the living room, she grabs her bag and begins to riffle through it as Rachel walks around the living room hanging decorations.
Rachel is a much better house guest than Quinn expected. As she becomes fully conscious, Quinn smells cinnamon and it brings on mixed emotions. Santana loves cinnamon rolls for breakfast so she makes them whenever she comes home but Santana isn't coming home this year. Sighing, Quinn tries to push the thought out of her mind as she climbs out of bed and goes into the bathroom. While in the bathroom, Quinn thinks she hears the front door close but she's still a little groggy. Shrugging it off, Quinn walks out into the living room.
"Whatev...what is this?"
Quinn's eyebrows furrow as she looks around her apartment to find a large wreath on her wall, along with a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, slightly smaller than the one she'd had previously, with a few gifts underneath. The fireplace is lined with garland and two stockings are hanging from the mantel along with different oversized snowflakes stuck to the wall and hanging from her chandelier. Quinn takes her eyes off the room when the phone in her hand vibrates.
-Merry Christmas :) I hope it's your new favorite!-
Quinn's eyebrows furrow at Rachel text and as she's typing her reply, she feels something touch her lower back. Quinn jumps, then screams as she turns around to find Santana behind her.
"Merr-" Santana's words are cut off as Quinn jumps into her arms and presses their lips together. Santana smiles as her arms enclose around Quinn's waist as the blonde wraps her legs around her, holding tight then chuckling as Quinn's lips quickly pepper kisses all over her face before finally pulling Santana into a bone crushing hug.
"I missed you too." Santana grunts out but Quinn doesn't loosen her grip as she's overcome with happiness.
"I hate you so much." Quinn sniffles, her grip loosening as she wipes her tears.
"That's how you greet me?" Quinn laughs lightly before kissing Santana lovingly, running her fingers through her hair and neither woman can stop smiling as they embrace each other.
"Merry Christmas." Santana smiles once they pull apart.
"Merry Christmas." Quinn pecks Santana's lips once more and tries to drop her legs but Santana doesn't let go.
"Bedroom or couch?" Quinn looks at Santana curiously and she smirks.
"It's been 10 months Q." Quinn chuckles.
"Couch. We can work our way to the bed." Santana chuckles as she walks them over to the couch.
"Wanky."
"How'd you even set all this up?" Quinn asks from her spot next to Santana. After tearing themselves from each other and eating breakfast, Santana forced Quinn to sit in front of the tree to open her gifts.
"Berry said you didn't have a tree or decorations so I told her I was taking whatever she had and then she had Kurt let me in to her place. Why don't you have anything? You love Christmas and you're super annoying about it. I mean, it's cute but still annoying." Quinn chuckles, intertwining her fingers with Santana's.
"I haven't been feeling very...Christmassy lately." Santana sighs softly before smiling widely as she grabs a small thin box and shoves it into Quinn's hands.
"Well, Santa's back so open this one." Laughing softly, Quinn takes the box from Santana and presses a soft kiss to her lips.
"I don't want to. I feel bad I didn't get you anything." Santana rolls her eyes.
"Q, you didn't know so just open it." Quinn shakes her head lightly but nods, ripping open the red wrapping paper covered in reindeer and snowmen. Quinn looks to Santana whose smile is infectious and Quinn feels herself smiling as she opens the box to find a rose gold necklace with an infinity pendant.
"Wow, this is beautiful San. Thank you." Quinn grabs the necklace from the box and Santana carefully grabs the box as Quinn tries to open its clasp.
"Turn around." Quinn hands Santana the necklace and turns so that she can put it on. As the cool metal settles against her skin, Quinn smiles as she turns to Santana.
"How's it look?" Santana smiles.
"Beautiful." Quinn watches as Santana scoots in between her legs, placing her thighs on top of Quinn's.
"It's missing something though." Quinn's eyebrows furrow and Santana laughs as Quinn tries to look down at the necklace.
"Earrings, Q. It's missing earrings." Quinn looks up at Santana and laughs softly.
"I'm sure I have a pair. It's fine." Santana nods, grabbing the necklace box and sliding her fingers under the pillow inside the box.
"Yeah, but this will probably work better...if you want it." Quinn's eyes widen at the princess cut diamond ring being held out in front of her.
"Is that?" Quinn trails off as she feels her heart pounding.
"An engagement ring? Technically but it's more than that. It's me letting the world know that you're my everything. I'm vowing to always be yours, to always come back to you and to always be your best friend even if you say no." Santana pauses, taking Quinn's hand in hers.
"Every day I'm not here with you, you're all I think about. I choose you everyday and that's never going to change. I've spent majority of my life with you as my friend and I want to spend the rest of it with you as my wife...so, will you marry me?" Quinn smiles as she holds her hand out to Santana.
"Anywhere. Anytime." Smiling Santana slides the ring on to Quinn's finger.
"I love you."
"I love you too." Santana cups Quinn's cheek as she kisses her slow and lovingly.
"Also, I'm not re-enlisting. I wanted to tell you in person." Quinn squeals happily causing Santana to giggle.
"Are you serious?! Are you sure?!" Santana nods before kissing Quinn quickly.
"I don't want to spend another Christmas, New Years, birthday, Valentine's day, St. Patrick's day, Labor day..." Santana pauses with a smile when Quinn chuckles.
"Without you." She softly finishes and Quinn feels her cheeks warming slightly.
"This day keeps getting better and better." Quinn grins before kissing Santana again who smiles against her lips.
"I thought you'd like that. Now let's go have engagement sex." Quinn chuckles as she kisses Santana's jaw.
"Is that even a thing?" Santana slightly tilts her head to the side.
"It is for us." Quinn shakes her head as her hands settle on Santana's hips, her lips working their way down her neck. Quinn is definitely okay with that and whenever she and Santana finish, she'll have to remember to call Rachel. This is definitely the best Christmas she's had.
A/N: Hello beautiful people, I hope everyone has a joyous holiday season as we end this...historic year. Please be safe and take care of yourselves, Happy Holidays :)
Song: Beautiful things by Tori Kelly.