THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have reviewed! I know I don't always reply, I have no excuse other than lack of time, and I figure you'd rather me spend any spare snippets of time that I have on getting the next chapter written, right? Right. So, my wonderful reviewers; lots of love goes out to you. Keep it up, I love reading your thoughts more than I can express!
Thanks always to MC for your thoughts, suggestions and comma policing! ;)
Reminder: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. This all human version, however, is mine.
Okay everyone, the chapter title says it all folks, its goodbye time. :( I know! I know! But it has to happen, it just has to. Don't hate me.
Let the sadness begin…
Chapter 15: Nothing Good about Goodbye
He was gone.
I woke up and he was gone.
He hasn't come back.
My mind reeled dizzily.
I've tried to call him, but he doesn't pick up the phone, it just keeps ringing and ringing, so I can't even leave him a message. He hasn't returned a single call.
He's just…Gone.
Like a phantom—like I had feared. He was gone and it was like he'd never been here at all. The only tangible thing I had to prove that he was real was his t-shirt I wore that still held his scent and the exorbitant hotel room I was still in. But nothing else remained to prove he'd ever even been here, that he'd ever existed.
I sat at the edge of the bed and began to cry, holding my aching chest that blazed from my freshly broken heart.
No. Shattered; it wasn't just broken, it was shattered.
And he was gone.
Gone.
Just… gone.
I cried hard with painful, broken sobs. Like my life was broken. Because it was. He was gone and I was broken.
I jumped when my cell phone rang out with my newest favorite song. His song.
My heart picked up and fluttered as fast as a hummingbird's wings, racing with overwhelming hopeful anticipation, chasing away the pain and tears. I reached out and snatched the phone up from the bed to see if it was Edward calling me; if he was finally calling me to tell me he wasn't really gone. That I was wrong, he wasn't really gone forever.
My insecurities flourished. I needed to re-connect with him; to know he had not really left me. But just as I pulled the phone toward me and looked down to see the display, the phone slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor, breaking apart.
The song cut off.
NO! No, no no!
My trembling fingers fumbled with the pieces of my phone, as I picked them up and tried desperately to put them back together. How could he call me if my phone was in pieces? How could I call him back?
I tried and tried, but it was all in vain. I couldn't put it back together.
Who was I kidding? It wasn't him calling me. He wasn't coming back and now my phone was just like me; broken beyond repair.
Fresh tears were now flowing in a torrent, down my face.
I'd lost him. It was over. I'd never see him again. I just knew it. I could feel it. Could feel the void that his presence had filled; I was empty.
I lifted my feet onto the bed, pulling my legs to my chest and began rocking back and forth. The action should have been soothing, but I only felt more manic.
I knew that I didn't deserve to keep him, but it didn't soften the edges of the knife that seared through me and twisted, making the hole jagged and marred. The pain was frighteningly intense and I struggled to breathe.
"Bella?" Edward's sweet buttery voice called from the next room.
I froze and choked on the tears of relief and joy that rushed through me, chasing away the tears of despair that had just consumed me. He wasn't gone! He was here!
I tried to leap up and run to him, but I found I couldn't move. I was rooted in place. Somehow, I couldn't leave the bed.
"Edward!" I tried calling out to him, but I couldn't pull sound from my throat.
I tried again.
"Edward!" Nothing.
My broken phone, still lying in pieces, started to play his song again.
I looked at it quizzically through my panic, momentarily distracted. I reached down and picked up the piece with the keypad and display. The display was black, showing no sign of life, but the sound kept radiating from it.
In vain, I tried to answer the eidolon call. The phone continued to sound out the song, but there seem to be no call attached to it.
I threw the piece of phone down on the comforter and looked back at the bedroom door, willing Edward to walk through it.
"Bella, love?" Edward called.
He was so close to me I could feel him. I could feel his presence, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't touch him. I needed both.
I tried again to go to him like every cell in my body ached for, but I still couldn't move any part of my body from the bed.
"I'm in here!" I tried to yell, but my voice still wouldn't work. I remained mute. "Don't leave me! Please don't leave, Edward. I'm right here!" I screamed in my head, trying to get my voice to work, but it wouldn't obey my will.
It was tears of frustration that now raced hotly down my cheeks.
I could hear him. He was right there on the other side of the wall, but he might as well be a world apart because he didn't know I was here, wanting desperately to call out to him, trying hopelessly to go to him. Something had me fixed to this bed.
And he didn't know it. How could he know?
He didn't know that I was here, wanting desperately to call out to him; he didn't know I wanted more than anything to be with him. So he would leave, thinking I wasn't here, maybe thinking I didn't care. Or maybe he thought that I'd left him.
My chest radiated with this aching knowledge; I was going to lose him. He was going to leave and be lost to me forever, because he didn't know.
"No! Edward! Don't leave! I'm here! Don't leave me!" I tried desperately to shout, the sound of my words in my head shook with their desperation, but my effort still made no sound.
"Bella?" he called once more.
"Stay with me," I begged in reply, but only silence crossed my lips.
Panic invaded my veins, taking ownership. I was out of time.
Then I heard the door close.
Silence.
He was gone. Forever this time. Gone.
I broke down with painful ripping sobs that scraped fiercely at the already mangled hole in my chest.
"Bella, love?" Edward called gently, holding me to his chest, stroking my hair. He lightly shook my shoulder. "Bella, wake up, it's just a dream," he pleaded, sounding a bit panicked.
I woke with a start, gasping shakily for air, feeling like I couldn't breathe. My chest ached and was heavy and constricted. It was so real!
"Bella?" Edward asked tentatively, brushing away very real tears that were still streaming down my face.
I grabbed his hand that was caressing my cheek. I held it there, pressing my face firmly against it to convince myself that the hand I felt there was real, Edward was real and he was there with me. He wasn't gone. Everything was okay.
"Edward?" I rasped, my voice thick with tears I'd shed from my dream. I felt a small relief settle over me, finding my voice worked.
"Are you really awake this time?" he asked gently, stroking the side of my face with his thumb, wiping away the tears that still came.
I nodded, still trying to calm my breathing as he brushed aside a stray lock of hair and tucked it behind my ear. My bottom lip trembled and threatened that I would break apart any second. The emotions from my dream were still flowing heavily through my veins.
"Your phone has been ringing," he said. "I tried to wake you. You seemed to be having a bad dream."
"A bad dream?" I breathed trying to process the words. No, that was my worst nightmare. It made any bad dream I'd had before seem like skipping through daisies. This had rocked me to my core.
I wrapped a desperate arm around Edward's torso and pressed my face more firmly against his bare chest. Edward welcomed me there by tightening his arms reassuringly around me.
He hadn't left me. He was still there. For now he was here with me.
A moment passed in silence as he held me and caressed me soothingly, while I clutched him to chase away the devastating feelings that lingered from the horrible dream that still felt so real.
"Are you okay, Bella?" Edward murmured brushing his lips to my hair.
I meant to nod a yes, but my head disobeyed my command and shook no instead.
"What is it, love? Is it the dream?"
Was it the dream? It was in a way. But really it was my very real feelings and fears that had fed the dream.
I drew in a rickety breath and opened my eyes. I pulled my head from his chest to look up at his face finding his shocking green eyes filled with care and concern for me. I looked into them for the courage to speak, but found they were somehow why the words got stuck in my throat.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he implored me grazing his fingers lazily along my face. "Please tell me, love."
I dropped my eyes away from his.
No. I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't face the chance that his response was what I'd feared, so I was going to miss the chance altogether.
But was that really the better option?
A flash of very real pain lashed at me with the memory of my dream; it definitely was not the better option. Was that what my dream was telling me?
"Bella," he pleaded, tipping my chin up to get me to look at him.
I got lost in his beautiful green eyes as they bored into mine. I could feel them trying to read, in my eyes, what it was I wouldn't say. I took a breath filled with the sweet fragrance of honey and sunshine—a fragrance I wanted to bottle up and keep with me always because it was all Edward. The scent settled my nerves and found myself confessing the question I had feared and ran from since the moment I had met him. Confessing it because I realized in that moment that there was one thing I was more afraid of than his potential answer; if I were to have lost him because I'd never asked it.
"After I go home today, am I ever going to see you again?" I whispered in a shaky, unsteady voice and then swallowed hard realizing the words were now out there. I couldn't take them back.
I closed my eyes to him, waiting for the answer I'd been avoiding all this time, preparing myself for the blow that would change me forever.
My chest burned with the mixture of fear and anticipation, drowning out any feeling of hope I might have had. Fresh tears threatened to break through the wall I struggled to keep up that held them at bay. My heart beat out a painful and disjointed rhythm.
I knew if he ended things here that it would end me. I could feel that truth resounding through my entire being with absolute certainty. I had gotten that invested without realizing it. I knew, without a doubt, that he would take a part of me with him if he walked away from me—I would never be whole again.
His silence hung in the air like heavy, black storm clouds—dark and ominous. It was like a blow to the chest. His lack of immediate answer felt pregnant with rejection and dismissal. My lungs felt constricted and I struggled to breathe.
I was wrong. This was not the better option. Not if he didn't want me. I couldn't do this. I needed to get out of here.
My chest squeezed tighter, and as a result, twisted my stomach into a tight, nervous, nauseating knot.
I had lied, trying to convince myself, during the last several days that I could ask the question and deal with potentially parting from Edward forever when the time came—that by then I'd be strong enough somehow. I realized now that I was wrong. I just couldn't do it at all. And I was wrong again; with thinking that not knowing would be worse. Waiting for his answer, I realized that his turning me away would be worse than never knowing. But it was too late, the words were already out and he was silent, trying to figure out how to let me down gently. He didn't realize that no matter how softly he thought he turned me away, it would ruin me.
I tried to pull away from him. He didn't need to see this. I needed to run somewhere, anywhere that I could lock myself away from him until I could pull myself together enough to leave with some dignity. But Edward held me where I was, securing a front seat to my upheaval.
"Bella, don't turn away from me. I can't—just don't. Hear me out, okay?" he pleaded to get me to stop fighting him; trying to flee. He took a deep breath. "It would be best for you if you didn't see me again," Edward said softly.
I choked back a sob, fighting it from escaping and clutched my chest, holding myself from falling to pieces as he held me next to him in the bed. I tried to pull in air, but it was like my body had forgotten how, my body went through the action, but no air was drawn in. I felt my world tipping on its side. Warping. Turning. Sliding. I could feel myself flirting with the blackness that was trying to pull me under. The room began to tilt sideways and spun dizzily. No!
"But the very thought of never seeing you again kills me. So even though I know I shouldn't ask this, and you really shouldn't let me, I really hope I can see you again," he murmured timidly.
Wait. What?
"What?" I croaked taking heavy breaths now that my body recalled how to do so.
I tried to beat away the threat of hope that ghosted along the edges, trying to break through.
"I hate myself for not being strong enough for you. I tried," he said as if desperate for me to understand, as if asking for forgiveness for something he thought he failed me in. "You have to know I really tried, but I just couldn't stay away from you. It's almost as if there is some invisible force that holds me to you. I want more than anything to see you again and because of that I hope you'll let me, but for your sake, I hope you don't. So, before you say anything, you need to know something first."
I could feel my entire being cling to the sound of Edward's voice telling me he wanted to see me again. I clung to it like a lifeline.
"Bella," he pulled his fingers through his hair and then grabbed a fistful of it, "because of what I am, you're not going to get a happily ever after with me. It's not fair to you to mislead you into believing you could. Before you tell me if you'll let me see you again or not, you need to know that."
My lifeline slipped through my fingers and I couldn't breathe again. I began to flounder and sink. What was he saying? I didn't understand.
"Look, I know that sooner or later something will be too much," he said sounding tortured. "It will be my crazy and demanding schedule that makes it impossible to get a hold of me and drains me so hard I don't have enough energy to even make a simple phone call. Or it will be loneliness from all the time apart because I'll be away more than I am not. Maybe it will be jealousy or something you don't like that I have to do for a job. Or maybe it will be misunderstandings, or filling my open time between jobs at the studio working on music, or the media," he laughed without humor.
"God, the media," he pulled a hand through his hair again. "They'll twist, misconstrue and fabricate anything and everything to make a good story. Eventually there will be something they'll find or make-up that will play on some insecurity. Whatever it is will plant a small seed of doubt in you that will grow and fester until you believe it's true. The possibilities of how it will happen are endless, but the result is almost as certain as the sun rising and setting; somehow I'll hurt you. Sooner or later I will, because of what I do or who I am. You have to know that. I have to warn you that with me, eventually, it will all blow up, it's inevitable. But I'm selfish enough to ask you to let me see you again anyway."
My head was spinning again with mercurial changes, in extreme emotions, from despair to overwhelming hope that I failed miserably to block out.
He wanted me? Edward wanted me; plain, simple, ordinary Bella? Maybe I was still dreaming. I nearly asked him to pinch me to be sure, but I figured that might tip him off to my questionable sanity and he'd run.
My sanity aside; it didn't make sense and I tried unsuccessfully to fully grasp what he'd said.
"Bella, could you tell me what you're thinking before I go insane?" Edward pleaded breaking the long silence while I tried unsuccessfully to digest what he'd said and what it had meant. The humor of what he'd said was not lost on me, but I couldn't laugh. Not now. Not when my head was too busy trying to take an impossibility and accept it as a reality.
"I don't understand," I managed to say. That was true enough. I didn't understand. It didn't make sense.
"I know it's a lot to accept," he said in a defeated voice.
I shook my head. He was missing the point.
"You want to see me again?" I asked trying it out on my tongue.
"More than anything," he breathed. "But if you—" he paused and a pained look passed across his face. "If you need time to think about it—"
"There's nothing to think about," I breathed. I'd pay any price; take any risk and any condition to keep him in my life. "Not for me. But I don't understand why you—" I cut the thought short. "Never mind."
"What, Bella?" Edward asked, his eyes imploring.
"I just thought that for you this was just—" the words kept getting stuck in my throat.
"Bella, tell me, just what?" he said in a soft demand.
"I thought maybe I was just a distraction to pass the time," I mumbled my fear—well, one of them—out loud.
Edward's mouth dropped open in angered disbelief and his green eyes went from soft to hard in a flash.
My stomach knotted wishing I had stood my ground and refused to tell him.
"God Bella! How the hell could you ever think that?" he snapped. Definitely angry.
I shrugged. "I don't know. People disassociate emotions and sex all the time," I explained.
"Do you really feel that any moment I spent with you these last few days was devoid of emotion?" he spat.
I bit my lip in remorse of voicing my fear to him.
Crap! How do I always do this? I was leaving, Edward had told me that he wanted to see me again and somehow I'd ruined everything like I always did. I always ruin everything.
"No." It was true what he said, there wasn't one touch that felt like it wasn't riddled with emotion. I knew what emotionless sex felt like. Sex with Edward felt nothing the same. But… "But you're an actor, I'm sure you could pretend convincingly."
"You're grossly overestimating my acting skills," Edward said, exasperated.
"Besides, I'm just me. What do I have to hold you?" I just couldn't shut up, could I? I stubbornly pressed on even when I knew I should shut my mouth and let it go.
"God Bella, don't you get it already? You're—" he paused as if he was going to say one thing and decided to say another. "You hold more than you realize. Never doubt the hold you have over me, or we'll never get through this." His eyes burned hotly into mine.
I nodded. Not agreeing that I understood or necessarily believed it, but that I would try to. I wanted to.
"So, when?" I asked still trying to swallow the idea that Edward somehow wanted me.
"When what?" he asked still sounding angry, but now also about as confused as I felt.
"When do I get to see you again?" I asked in a small voice. "How will this work? I have a job and family; I can't just up and leave whenever I want."
"So you believe me?" Edward asked hesitantly.
"I'm working on it."
Edward's lips made a hard line. "What about everything I warned you about?"
"It would take a lot more than forecasts of doom to scare me away," I looked up at him with small hopeful smile.
Edward breathed a small laugh, whether it was because of what I'd said or my expression I wasn't sure, but I saw the anger draining from him as he did.
"I guess I wasn't scary enough because it's a lot to accept," he said with a sad smile, pulling his hand through his tussled bronze-brown hair again.
"Answer me Edward. When? Where? How?" I pressed stubbornly. I needed to know.
"Well," he sighed. "I have a press junket and another talk show interview while I'm here. And probably a lot more things booked that I'm refusing to acknowledge because it's going to be torture wishing I was with you instead."
I bit my lip. "Really?"
"Yes, really. Why is that so hard for you to believe?" he asked with baffled frustration.
I diverted my eyes and re-directed the topic back to when I could see Edward again. I needed to know how long I had to endure until I had my next hit of him.
"How long then?" I asked.
Edward narrowed his eyes at my avoidance, but didn't press it. "I don't know. I have to confirm what my schedule looks like," Edward admitted.
I could feel the realization that even though Edward said he wanted to see me again, that it might be a very long time before I actually had the opportunity.
Or maybe he was just avoiding committing to an actual date because he was just avoiding having to tell me to my face he didn't want to see me anymore. The thought felt heavy and lay on my chest, making breathing difficult again.
No. I refused to let myself believe that. I had to believe what Edward told me. I had to trust him.
Edward's eyes softened as they took in my expression, easily reading my emotions.
"This is what I mean, Bella," he said pulling his fingers through my hair. "It's not going to be easy. I'm not going to be able to be a proper boyfriend to you. I'll be gone a lot. I don't think you realize exactly how much we'll be apart. It's okay if you change your mind."
His face looked passive, but his eyes flickered with what almost appeared to be fear and pain.
"No, I'm not changing my mind," I said firmly. "It's just," I took a breath almost backing out of what I was about to say, but the emotion I couldn't quite get a handle on that danced in his eyes, betraying his impassive expression, told me I needed to say it, "I haven't even left and I already miss you." I confessed quietly.
Edward gave me a small smile that looked more sad than happy, and nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean," Edward said running the back of his fingers along my cheek and then paused while he thought for a moment. His eyes turned troubled like restless green seas. "Bella? Not that I want to press my luck, but why are you willing to agree to see me again after I told you how difficult this is going to be?"
"Because…" I trailed off not sure what to tell him. I had probably well over a thousand different reasons rolling through my head: because I need to be with you; because it hurts to even think of the possibility of never seeing you again; because I need your touch as desperately as I need air; because it's too late to try to scare me off with tales of inevitable relationship failures; because I've fallen in love with you. It was all true, but I didn't want to scare him off with being too honest, so I filtered, staying truthful, but not overly so. "I just…can't imagine never seeing you again."
"So it's not because of who I am?" Edward asked in a tentatively soft voice.
"It has everything to do with who you are, Edward."
"So it is because of my name?" he asked nodding solemnly, his eyes filled with pain, looking like I'd just told him the person he loved most in the world was dead.
"What? No!" I practically yelled understanding now what he'd meant. "Edward, it has nothing to do with you being Anthony Cullen.
"Sure, I'd be lying if I said I haven't had kind of had a thing for you since I saw you in Undone," my eyes went wide as I blushed with the unexpected confession that I'd just made. Shit! I hadn't meant to say that. I quickly kept talking hoping it would be forgotten before it could resonate. "I can't deny that it might have played a part in the very beginning. But that's only because that was all I knew at the time. And really, even that first day I saw you at the talk show, it was more about the real you and the intense draw I felt to you more than anything else.
"Edward, I don't care about your name. I don't care about your fame and fortune; that stuff honestly means nothing to me. I like you. A lot. It's my desire to want to know more about you, to want to get closer to you that I'm here, hoping I can still see you after today, not because you're 'Anthony Cullen'. I realize that it's probably hard to know if someone is sincere when telling you something like that, but honestly it's only you. I could do without all the attention that follows you around because I like it best when it's just you and me alone."
"I knew it was about the sex. You are completely insatiable," he smirked teasing.
I rolled my eyes if he even knew what my sex life entailed before him.
"No, not just the sex," I said sourly because he was making jokes, he wasn't listening to what I was trying to say.
Maybe he needed to know that my sleeping with him was not something I took lightly and feeling this way about the entire endeavour was a new thing to me. I decided I needed him to know it, so I explained.
"Edward, there's something you need to know—to understand about me. I… I have a very short sexual past. Sex is not something I have ever taken lightly or previously engaged in with much finesse; so, no. Believe me, it's not just sex to me.
"It's you," I continued, seeing he was regarding me seriously now, the words began to flow from me, honest and without reservation, not letting myself think about what I was saying or if I was saying too much, just telling him the truth. I knew I was beginning to babble, but it felt like it was all bubbling to the top. I started my confession with being honest with him and how I felt and it wasn't going to stop flooding out until it was all out there. "Wanting to see you again has nothing to do with who you are to the outside world, Edward. If you were a complete ass it wouldn't have mattered how hot you looked or who you were. It has everything to do with what the outside world doesn't know. The more and more you've let me see of who you really are is what has pulled me in and held me. And now I've reached the point that I can't turn back. Who you are to the rest of the world is great and all, but I gotten to see that that's not who you really are. And it's the real you that owns me."
Edward kissed me soundly, preventing chagrin from creeping in for confessing the fact that he owned me realizing I'd let myself go unfiltered for a bit too long. True or not, it was almost as bad as if I would have confessed that I'd fallen in love with him.
"So you've had a thing for me, huh?" he said, while unsuccessfully holding back a smile.
"Shut up," I said blushing deep red and playfully shoved his shoulder.
He grinned wickedly and laughed. Then his face drew serious and he pulled me in to him, "You know, I like it when you're not wearing make-up like now. You should do it more often, I can see your blushes that much easier. Besides you don't need to hide behind make-up, you don't need it," he murmured.
I snorted.
I felt Edward shake his head in mute disagreement of my reaction.
"I don't want to go home," I sighed breaking the silence with my truthful confession.
"Then don't. Stay here with me," Edward whispered wistfully.
Part of me melted at his offer and I wanted to more than anything, but I couldn't live in my fantasy dreamland forever as much as I wished I could.
"I wish I could," more than he'd ever know, "but I have to go," I said feeling like my reasons I knew I needed to go back home just didn't seem very important any longer.
"You don't have to," he said with a smile in his voice.
"I do, as much as I wish I could, I can't shirk my responsibilities," I insisted but began to feel that for the first time in my life, I was willing to do just that.
Silence surrounded us as we both absorbed the fact that I was really going home today.
"My family has seen the pictures of us," I sighed thinking out loud because I ran out of ideas of how to broach the subject with them, "I have no idea how I'm going to convince them it wasn't me and that I hadn't even met you."
"Why would you deny it?" he questioned with a funny edge to his voice.
"I thought you didn't want anyone to know."
"What would make you think that?"
"Your text."
Edward was silent like he didn't know what I was referring to.
"You said you were glad that no one knew who I was," I offered, reminding him of what he'd said.
"No Bella, I'm glad the media doesn't know who you are," Edward said. "Once they find out who you are, they won't leave you alone. Your life will never be the same. I just dread that for you. You want to keep them in the dark as long as you can. But you don't have to lie to your family. Maybe leave out the details like my song writing of course, but you can tell them that we're together."
"We're together?" my heart ratcheted up a few notches.
"What else would you call it?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "You just met me, I didn't know if wanting to see me again meant you wanted to see only me."
"Bella, I don't understand how you don't get it yet. I couldn't see anyone other than just you if I wanted to, and I definitely don't want to."
"Really?" I said looking up at him through my lashes.
"Yes, really," he laughed. Then a flash of some emotion passed through his eyes. "Why? Were you planning to see other people when you went home?"
I laughed loudly. "Well, I probably will have to block off a couple of days when I get back to let them all know. It's going to take a while," I joked, unsuccessfully trying to sound and look serious.
Edward smiled back at me in amusement seeing straight through my ruse.
"How do you not get it yet? No. Definitely not." The idea of me dating at all, much less more than one guy at one time was laughable on its own; the idea that I'd ever see anyone else after Edward was absolutely preposterous.
Edward leaned down and kissed my forehead, holding his lips there for a while before he spoke again.
"So tell your family about us if you want to," he said finally. "You're a terrible liar anyhow, they won't believe you if you tried to deny it." He smiled full of humor. "Besides, my family already knows about you."
"Well, yeah, obviously Emmett knows about me," I scoffed.
"Not just Emmett; my sister and brother-in-law, as well as my parents know that I have been seeing you and him Rosalie. My parents have always encouraged open communication, so there isn't much we don't tell one another. Besides, it would be kind of hard to keep secrets from them with how Em's and my lives are now."
My body tensed up with nerves.
"What's the matter, love?" Edward asked.
"Nothing."
"Did you not catch the part where I know how terrible of a liar you are? It's not 'nothing', Bella."
"It's just—" I began, but my phone sang out interrupting me, making me jump.
"Saved by a phone call," Edward laughed. "I like your ringtone, by the way," Edward smirked—confirming my suspicion that he had written it—as he released me from his hold.
I blushed as I turned to grab the phone from the nightstand.
"Hi Rose."
"I just wanted to make sure you were up," Rosalie said. "I'll be leaving here shortly."
"What time is it?" I asked.
I heard Rosalie answer me, but I didn't catch what she'd said. I actually had forgotten the question, as I was distracted by the very naked Edward who had gotten out of the bed and was making his way to the bathroom, affording me of the nicest view of his very perfect ass.
My God it was so much better than the wax figure. I knew now that whoever had constructed it had not been able to do it justice.
"Bell?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Pull yourself away from the boy, Bell," she laughed, "I know this feeling is new to you, but we have to leave for the airport."
"Yeah, um, okay," I said watching Edward walk back to bed, the frontal view being even more wit scrambling.
I licked my lips.
"I'll see you at the check-in counter shortly," she promised, making it sound more like a subtle threat, and hung up.
I looked at the clock on my phone, my lungs constricted like I'd just taken a blow to the chest when I saw the time and realized Rose was right. I had to get ready to go.
I was just about to sit up and get out of the bed when Edward, who'd crawled back into bed behind me, pulled his arm around my waist making a snare and pulled me against him.
"Everything alright?" Edward said as he pulled me in tighter to him and then hummed. "Mmmm, much better."
"Edward," I spoke trying to remain unaffected by the fact we were both stark naked and something mighty impressive was pressing against my back. Not to mention the way his breath hit my neck and the mindless designs he had begun drawing on my side and hip.
I tried desperately to ignore the effect he had on me. I had to focus. He was making it very difficult.
"Mmm-hmm?" his voice was thick and heady adding to his arsenal, weakening my resolve.
"Edward, I have to go. I need to head to the airport," my voice cracked at the end of the statement. The words I'd said aloud hit me like a wrecking ball and I fought the lump that sat in my throat.
Edward's fingers froze in place, halting the mindless designs he was drawing.
He held very still, even his breathing was shallow reminding me of an animal sensing danger. A minute passed before he finally spoke and all he uttered was my name in a strained voice that made me turn to look at him.
When my eyes met his, I found that they looked just as tortured as his voice had sounded and exactly the way I felt; wild and panicked. His face said it all; we were out of time and he wasn't ready to part as much as I wasn't.
But it didn't matter if we were ready or not, time was running against us.
I could feel myself losing my composure. The feelings that coursed through me with not wanting to leave his side was bad enough, but seeing the emotions I was feeling reflected in Edward's eyes, doubled mine.
I was going to lose it. My whole body tensed and began to ache. But I didn't want to lose it in front of Edward, so I took every ounce of willpower I had and pulled myself from the security of his arms. Edward's arm fell lifelessly to the bed as I pulled away. He lay frozen in place, as I went over to my suitcase, grabbed my toothbrush and some clothes, and then headed to the bathroom.
I knew I felt just as wild as Edward's eyes looked, but it still shocked me when I had entered the bathroom and caught a glimpse of my reflection. My self-control faltered.
I closed my eyes trying to grasp at some semblance of composure. Instead an overpowering sob tugged sharply at my chest, taking me off guard just as I felt I'd started to calm myself.
I leaned against the wall for support, as I desperately grappled with these strong emotions, threatening to literally knock me off my feet.
I would see him again. I would see him again. This wasn't forever. I chanted to myself against the choking sobs that kept relentlessly hitting me over and over again.
I could deal with this when I got home. I couldn't lose it. Not here, not now. If Edward saw how hard this was for me he would try to tell me that this was exactly why I shouldn't see him again, he would try to tell me that it would only get worse over time. He didn't need to know how hard this was for me. I had to be stronger than this. How much leaving Edward tore me up would have to be something I endured in silence until I was alone where no one could bear witness to it.
I told myself that I could do this. I could hold myself together for a few hours until I was alone at my apartment and could break down without witnesses. Then I stood up, but kept my eyes down, away from my reflection as I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, washed my face and brushed my hair and teeth.
When I opened the bathroom door, I stopped short hearing the beautiful sound of Edward playing the guitar. I listened for a moment. Then I put my things away and stood in the bedroom doorway watching and listening to him as he sat on the piano bench and played. Occasionally he would stop, tinker with the sound of a chord or two and then play again.
It was another new one—at least not one I'd heard before. The tone of the notes coming from the guitar was so forlorn it drew out a few tears I'd been holding back, falling quickly from my eyes. I hastily wiped them away only to find my eyes replaced them with new ones.
Keep yourself together, Bella. I chastised myself. Then I took a deep breath in attempt to tune out the beautiful, moving music that fell upon my ears so I could do just that. I turned back to the bedroom, gathered the rest of my things and brought them to the door.
Edward's notes stopped short when he saw me standing in the entryway with my purse in hand, next to my suitcase and carry-on.
"You're leaving right now?" he asked surprised, his voice sounding almost panicked as he set down his guitar and walked over to me quickly.
I bit my lip and nodded, not trusting my voice.
"Did you want something to eat before you go? I could make you something quick," he offered taking a step toward the kitchen, but didn't leave my side. I should have been hungry, but the thought of eating turned my stomach.
"Thanks but I'm not hungry," I rasped. My lower lip started to quiver so I pulled it back into my mouth and bit down on it a little too hard to get it to stop, tasting blood.
Jesus. I needed to get out of there; I was barely keeping myself together.
"Are you sure?" Edward asked dipping his head to meet my eyes.
I nodded. My stomach twisted as a warmth of unease and sadness swelled in my chest, growing thicker with each intake of breath. It made pulling in air difficult and I struggled to swallow back a lump in my throat.
Edward eyed me for a moment, then straightened and nodded raking a hand through his hair and then shoving them both into his front pockets.
"I'll, um," he cleared his throat, "I'll call someone to get your bag and give you a ride."
He left the room so fast I couldn't even protest and tell him I was more than capable of grabbing a taxi.
When he returned, his face almost looked broken somehow and his eyes raged with conflict, making me wonder if it was an old battle or a new one that tormented him now. I wished I knew what it was that ate at him because I wanted to fix it.
"Someone will be up in a few minutes," he said in a hoarse voice.
I only nodded at the floor, using all my energy to not break down in front of him. I wouldn't do that, I couldn't do that.
Edward closed the distance between us and pulled me into his embrace, holding me tight against his chest.
A tear broke through and streamed hotly down my cheek.
Edward rested his cheek to the top of my head.
Another tear fell.
He squeezed me tighter and kissed my head, his stubble catching in my hair as he did.
I fought back a sob as another tear escaped.
A knock on the door saved me, allowing me the reprieve to regain control. I took a deep breath as Edward went to the door and I hurriedly wiped away my tears. I looked to the door and saw Charlie with his now familiar crinkly grin. He gathered my luggage and Edward informed him I would be down to the car shortly and needed a ride to the airport.
I gave a small, teary smile to Charlie. He flashed me a comforting, crinkly one in return and departed with my luggage.
Edward closed the door and turned to me, closing the distance with a couple long, determined strides. I noticed the spots of wetness on his chest from my tears and went to brush at them, but Edward tipped my chin up with his hand, distracting me.
In the next second, his lips were on mine; hungry and desperate, yet somehow unsure and seeking affirmation.
I kissed him back as he pinned me to the wall.
I couldn't fight him. It wasn't because he was so much stronger than me, pinning me to the wall. It was because I had no willpower against him, I needed him one last time like I needed air to breathe. I needed to connect with him one more time before I woke up from this dream. Because that was what I'd feared; the moment I walked out the door, Edward would disappear. That he would just be a dream, a phantom I couldn't hold onto. That he would slip through my fingers the moment I looked away.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and clutched him closer as he trailed kisses down my neck. Then he carried me back to the bedroom.
"We'll be quick," I breathed.
"Mmm-hmm, really quick," Edward agreed against my skin between kisses. Then he threw us onto the bed Edward-side-up.
We weren't quick.
We delayed it, trying to cheat time; trying to delay the inevitable.
It was amazing. It was raw and gentle; desperate and passionate. It was sensual and wrought with intense emotion. It was everything.
I tried to commit every last nuance of him to memory. What he smelled like. How he tasted even better than he smelled. I took in the way his hair looked with the sun from the window shining on it, the way every single strand seemed to want to insist on pointing in its own direction. I noted a scar on his face that had somehow escaped my notice until then and how unlike how scars usually diminished beauty, his only made him look sexier; more real. I studied the exact color of his eyes when they intently watched me right before I came undone, or how they seemed darker and wilder in a way that made my stomach tighten deep inside afterwards when I opened my eyes to him again. I tried to figure out exactly how long his impossibly long, dark lashes were so I could picture them perfectly in my mind. I ran my fingers over and over his short, bronze stubble covering his face that was somehow soft and rough at the same time to make sure I wouldn't forget how it felt. I watched and ran my hands over every last muscle as it bunched and elongated with his movements, I revelled in the hardness and strength. I took in the way his long, calloused fingers could be so soft and electric as they grazed my body, held me and moved me. I attempted to remember exactly how my body could feel his nearness, how it woke up and sang for him, how I felt in his arms. How every grasp of my hips or palm dragged down my back left tingling warmth of want blossoming in their wake and how every graze of his full lips felt against my skin.
I wanted to remember it all and I did my best to do just that. But finally we both had to acknowledge that as much as we both wished I didn't have to leave, the fact remained that I did.
Edward kissed me tenderly one last time before he pulled himself out of me. There was a whole new heaviness in the air that appeared the moment we broke our connection. I could feel it as I moved and it thickened with every piece of clothing I put on.
He followed me to the door, holding my hand, stopping me there for another desperate kiss as I whimpered softly that I was going to miss my flight, telling myself as much as I was telling him.
"I can't do this. Not yet. Can I ride with you?" he pleaded.
I nodded, grateful that I could steal a small amount of time. I would take anything I could get.
The decent in the elevator and the ride to the airport was spent in heavy silence.
I sat there in the car soaking up the feeling of Edward's arms wrapped securely around me, trying to commit the feeling to memory like all the rest of them so I could relive it in my head too. Every so often, his hold would tighten and he'd place a lingering kiss on the crown of my head. I would hold his arms tightly with mine in return and take a deep breath to savor my last hits of honey and sunshine, trying to etch that into my memory as well.
The car arrived at the airport far too quickly. It felt like we'd only just left the hotel when Charlie announced our arrival.
"I have to go. Rose will kill me if we miss the flight," I said knowing she was probably anxious to see Henry.
Edward nodded; his eyes glinted with unshed tears making my breathing hitch. "Let me know when you land, okay?" he whispered softly.
I nodded.
"I should know by then what my schedule is like and when I will be able see you," he promised.
I tried to smile and nodded again. Then I took his beautiful face between my hands and kissed him softly, revelling in the feel of his soft lips on mine one last time. Then I quickly exited the car knowing if I hesitated at all, I wouldn't do it. Edward kept his hand on me, letting it drag down my arm as I exited. When his fingers slipped through mine, I squeezed tightly for a second, almost changing my mind and settling myself back next to Edward where I desperately wanted to be. Instead, I continued to step out of the car and beyond his reach. The loss of his electric touch alone felt devastating.
I shut the door between us to prevent me from diving back in, to bolster my resolve. Instead when the car door latched, I felt was an intense pain shoot through my chest that nearly caused me to double over, feeling the finality of the separation it made between us. I took a breath trying to calm my shaky hands and forced myself to turn away.
I saw that Charlie already had my luggage out of the trunk and ready to go. He offered to bring them up to the check-in for me. I thanked him, but assured him I could do it myself.
He gave me a small crinkly grin and nodded before departing.
I took another breath as I gathered my things and walked toward the building. My steps faltered; it was literally painful walking away from Edward, even with his promise that we would see one another again. I could tangibly feel myself getting further away from him.
I fought the consuming urge to turn back when I got to the door. Instead, I pressed on. I knew I wouldn't be able to see him through the dark glass of the limo. And looking back would only make it harder.
I had to go. No matter how much I wanted to stay, I knew I had to go.
I felt the surge of pain spike again when I walked into the building, feeling the doors put up another barrier between us. I flinched at the feeling of another layer of separation come between us and felt a couple tears escape, while I struggled to regain control.
Every last cell begged me to turn around and head straight back into Edward's arms. But with every step I took, I gained determination to pull myself together. To do what I had to do instead of what I wanted to do. I had to go home. I had to keep myself in one piece until I could be alone. I had to find it in myself to do so. I had to catch my flight.
That was all I could think about. That was all I would let myself think about. I would fall apart if I thought about anything else, so I shoved it away and locked it up. I would let myself feel how much it hurt later.
I wiped away the tears that still lie on my cheeks and determinedly headed to the check-in desk ignoring the painful aching in my chest.
AN:
I'd love to know what you thought; send me a review!
Oh and I have a song rec for this chapter. Just take out the (dot)s and replace them with periods when you paste it into your browser to listen:
"Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale
http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=vkq4uypLTr4