Chapter 2 - Broken
Author's Notes: Thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter. Your feedback means the world to me.
This is a big one, people, and it shows Harvey's side of the events of that day. You'll notice a few big differences. I hope you enjoy it
As always, biggest thanks to Nathalie for looking over my shoulder as I wrote, and being a true star.
Harvey pressed himself fully into his chair, pressing his head between his knees, while he waited for his body to recover from the spiral of panic that had gripped him moments ago. He vaguely registered Mike's reassuring touch on his shoulder as he left to take care of Soloff and his bullshit.
A hot sense of shame washed over him at the realization that Mike had witnessed him at his weakest. He hadn't wanted anyone to know: especially if it meant it would eventually get back to her and he wouldn't be able to abide that.
Not when she'd made her decision.
She wasn't coming back to him. Ever.
His heart began to race again, as he recalled the finality in her words and the way he could feel the little hope he had inside him die out: forcefully extinguished by the avalanche of resentment and anger that she'd rained on him.
He needed to get out of here. He could feel the panic beginning to build again, as the pressure in his chest increased. He rose clumsily out of his seat, as his knees crashed painfully against the coffee table, causing him to lose his footing. Ignoring the pain, he reached for the glass of water and downed it, before stumbling his way towards his secretary.
"Gretchen, I…"
"I already called Ray, Mr. Specter. He's waiting to take you wherever you need to go."
He nodded his appreciation and made his way towards the elevators, taking the roundabout route that didn't cross Jessica's office or her new desk. Pushing the call button, he stepped back to wait, his hands balled into fists inside his pockets in an attempt to stop them from shaking.
As he stood there waiting, he felt his senses prick, and he wondered if she was watching him. He stood up a little straighter, but kept his gaze resolutely down; he didn't want her suspecting anything. The woman had been able to suss out how his entire day went from the lay of his tie, for chrissakes.
Hot tears burned in his eyes at the memory of her fixing his tie, and rolling her eyes as he used the opportunity to tease her about threesomes and sharing, even knowing that she would never let herself be his to share, or even have, for that matter.
The ding of the elevator pulled him from his reverie. Stepping into the metal box, he turned his head towards her. If she had been watching him, he could at least...
She hadn't been watching him.
He dropped his gaze, unable to bear the sight of the elevator doors closing on the last vestiges of his hope, once again.
"Harvey, I've told you this before. Unless you fully accept that your secretary isn't coming back, these episodes aren't going to go away."
His therapist's firm but kind words filtered through the fog in his mind.
He lifted his gaze to look at her. With dark hair that grayed at the edges, and dark brown eyes that crinkled, Dr. Elsie Werner - who'd come highly recommended by an old college friend of his - emanated an air of wisdom and experience that had instantly put him at ease when he'd first come to her.
"I know," he responds, leaning forward on her couch, and digging his elbows into his thighs. "I know that now."
"Know what?"
"You know what."
"You need to be able to vocalize that, Harvey."
"She isn't coming back. She made that clear today."
"No, she's been trying to make that clear to you ever since she left."
He took a deep breath and nodded.
Dr. Werner leaned back in her chair, and sighed.
"Harvey, I'm going to revisit something that I think you're not gonna like. But I just want you to think about it before you say anything else."
His posture stiffened. "What?"
"You told me that the thing that bothered you the most was that she went to work for Louis."
"It is."
"A week ago, you had a similar episode that brought you straight to my door. Do you want to tell me what really happened there?"
"I told you. I went to her desk and I asked for her help, and she refused to and told me I was on my own."
"You're still leaving something out."
"I'm not."
"Harvey."
"She said… she said that it was Louis' worst nightmare that she was going to leave him," he gasped. "One day into working for him, and she already thinks Louis values her more than I did. They both do."
"What does that mean?"
He stayed silent for a beat before relaying everything that had led to his panic attack.
"And when Louis accused you of valuing money more than Donna, what happened?"
"I don't care about the compensation. But, he was just so hell-bent on rubbing his victory into my face."
"You lashed out and said something you knew you were never going to do."
He nodded, pain slicing through his chest again.
"I don't want to force her to come to work for me again. I never wanted that. But I'd always hoped that our relationship was strong enough - despite everything - that we'd eventually work our way back to each other, like we always did."
"And now?"
"Now, I don't know. I don't think there is any way we can. She's made up her mind that we can't go back"
"And you?"
He said nothing.
"Harvey, I've been waiting to address this, hoping to give you the time to work up to this point of acceptance of the situation at work. But what about outside of that?"
"What does that mean?"
"She may not be working for you anymore, but you thought your relationship was strong enough. So, what's stopping you from working on building something with her outside of work?"
"No. It isn't. I don't think, at this point, that it ever was."
"But, you told her you loved her."
"I did."
"Did you mean it?"
"Why is that important? I told you we were done talking about that night."
"Answer it, Harvey."
"Yes. But I don't know how."
"I think you do know."
He pushed himself off the seat.
"I don't. I told you."
"Sit down, Harvey."
"I'm done."
She stood up, as well.
"No, you're not. Listen to me. You need to be able to face your feelings if you ever truly want to be able to move on like you said you did!"
"I can't. Not with her. If I hadn't already lost her, I most certainly would if anything had happened."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because, it's me. I've already hurt every woman I've been with. Scottie. Zoe. They all left, because I couldn't give them what they needed. If I did that to Donna…" He shook his head. "All of this is moot, anyway."
He stopped and he sat heavily down on the couch. Dr. Werner kept her gaze steady on him, as she sat back down, as well.
"What does that mean?"
"She doesn't feel that way about me."
"That doesn't make sense, considering why she left. You told her you loved her, but couldn't tell her how. She clearly wanted you to define that."
"It does make sense. When I asked her if she wanted everything, she couldn't give me an answer. I've given her a few openings in the past, as well, and she made it clear that she only saw me as a brother or cousin." His voice held an edge of bitterness.
Dr. Werner stayed silent, and Harvey wondered what was going through her head. A few moments later, the doctor leaned back in her chair, and made a few notes in her pad, before she spoke again.
"Harvey, I cannot speak for Donna's actions without actually talking to her. But, you've made a lot of headway."
"Have I?"
Dr. Werner smiled. "You have. It may not be apparent to you just yet, but you have. Though, from what I've learned today, I genuinely fear that as long as Donna's in the same place as you are, she will continue to be a trigger for your episodes."
"But you just said… I don't understand. What are you suggesting?"
"You've made headway, Harvey. But you're not out of the woods. I'm saying that you need to get your bearings, and figure out how to thrive outside of her influence and presence. Your dependency on her is, to put it bluntly, not healthy."
"Dr. Werner, I …"
"Please, hear me out, Harvey. You need to find out who you are without her - you told me you thought she made you a better man during our first session, and I'm not disputing it. But, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit for what you are. And you need to be able to do that."
"So, what are you suggesting?"
"Take a sabbatical from work: two or three weeks. I'm going to put that in your recommendation, anyway."
"I can't do that. The firm needs me right now. We're in the middle of a war, and I can't possibly abandon Jessica."
"I know that, Harvey. But this isn't about Jessica, this is about you, and I should hope that as your long-time mentor, she would understand."
"I…"
"Please, just think about it. Now, our time is up. But, I hope that the next time I see you, it won't be because of an emergency."
The ride back to the firm was torture. Dr. Werner's advice seemed so off-the-mark, that Harvey half-contemplated calling his old college buddy to give him an earful about his recommendation. But then, his friend had never steered him wrong before, and Harvey could tell that Nate had clearly benefited under Dr. Werner's guidance.
Jessica needed him. Soloff and Louis were upping their game, coming after both him and Jessica. How was he supposed to tell his partner that he couldn't be at her side, because his mind was broken and needed to be fixed? It would give Soloff even more ammunition with the partners.
"Mr. Specter, we're here."
Thanking his long-time driver for his prompt arrival earlier in the day, Harvey stepped out, and as he did, he caught a flash of blue out of the corner of his eye. There was Donna and Louis, hugging near the curb, before he saw her into a waiting cab.
"You need to be able to figure out who you are without her."
Well, that did it, then. He had to go.
He hurried his steps, unwilling to let Louis see him and use the opportunity to gloat some more.
"Harvey, where the hell have you been?"
Jessica had clearly been waiting for him, because she joined him as he passed her office.
"Busy getting my shit together," he smirked. "Like you told me to."
"Leaving the firm with no explanation isn't getting your shit together," she shot back. "I saw you rush out of here two and half hours ago, and you have been unreachable since then."
"I'm sorry, Jessica. But I had somewhere to be, and it really couldn't wait." He rounded his desk, and started pulling together a bunch of folders.
Jessica eyed his actions in silence, her eyes narrowing in concern.
"What couldn't wait? Harvey, what is going on with you? I know you've been struggling since Donna left you, but going incommunicado for two hours in the middle of the day isn't like you, at all. I'm asking you again, do you want me to make it happen? I can get her back for you."
"No!" his head shot up. "No. I don't want that. But, there is a lot I do need to tell you. And Mike. He needs to hear this, as well. Hopefully, by now, he's put in motion what I told him to."
It was Jessica who spoke first, while Mike sat there, a stunned look on his face.
"Why didn't you tell us it was this bad, Harvey?" her voice cracked. "I yelled at you earlier about your abandonment issues, and you couldn't have told me then?"
He simply stared at her in silence, while she figured it out.
"Shit, that's when it happened.", she closed her eyes. "Harvey, I'm sorry."
He smiled sadly, "That wasn't on you, Jessica. I promise."
"All that stuff with Louis…" Mike's voice held a bristle of irritation.
"He doesn't know me, Mike. He never has, and like I told you, even when I did tell him the truth, he chose not to believe it. I wasn't going to waste my time trying to convince him, after everything he's done."
"What about…?" Jessica started.
"Donna? I told you. She had to do what she did for herself. I don't understand it, and I don't think I ever will. But I respect it now."
"No, I mean, how has she not attempted to correct Louis about the money? She knows you better than that, even with everything that happened."
"She evidently thinks it is. She accused me of being jealous of the two of them, when I told her about her salary."
"You told her? Harvey…"
"I shouldn't have. I don't know. It was a misguided attempt on my part to make her see that I cared, but she clearly didn't see it that way."
A quiet settled over the group, as they digested what was coming. Finally, Jessica spoke.
"Harvey, listen. You do what you have to do to heal. Have you decided where you're going to go?"
"Boston, at least for the first week or more, if they'll have me. Spend time with Marcus, and Hayley and Josh."
"I forgot, you're uncle Harvey, " Jessica chuckled sadly.
"There's something I never thought I'd hear," Mike rejoindered.
"Shut up, Mike," he shot a mock-glare at his friend. "And listen, Jessica. About the compensation. If it comes down to it, let it go. Like I told Louis, for me it was only ever about recognizing what we did here. I don't need it now, anyway."
Mike and Jessica looked at each other, each recognizing Harvey's slip with "we".
Jessica leaned forward, catching the gaze of her protege, "It's alright, Harvey. Don't worry about that. We'll have your back. I'm not gonna let Soloff strong-arm his way into the ranks. And Louis is going to understand that just because he got his way this time, that won't always be the case."
Jessica stood up to leave, knowing that Harvey would need some time with Mike. She turned around at the door and added:
"Know this, Harvey: you'll always be the best partner I've ever had. And you're a good man. I knew that about you even before you met Donna. You'll get through this."
"Thank you, Jessica."
"So, this is really happening." Mike said, once Jessica was out of earshot.
Harvey sighed, and moved towards his decanter.
"It is." He filled two glasses, and headed towards his couch, before holding out the other glass to Mike.
"Harvey, about before with Robert Zane."
"I understand it, Mike."
"Harvey, I'm not leaving you. You know that, right?"
"Don't say that."
"What?"
"Don't say that. You might change your mind later, Mike. And you shouldn't have to make a promise you may not be able to keep."
"OK," Mike said, quietly, understanding where Harvey was coming from. "There's one more thing."
"What?"
"Rachel."
"What? No. Mike, she can't know about any of this. She's Donna's best friend."
"Harvey. Listen to me. She'll understand, if I tell her - or if you tell her - she will."
"Mike, I don't want every associate in this firm knowing about this."
"Harvey, this is Rachel. She is my fiancée and your associate. You know she'll be discreet. She'll need an explanation."
"Alright. But, Mike, you have to swear to me. Donna cannot know about any of this. She told me that her loyalty's to Louis and she never wants to lie to him. And I won't put her in that position."
"I'll talk to Rachel later tonight, I promise."
"I cannot believe this is even happening. It's going to be so strange not having Harvey here," Mike remarked as they walked away from Harvey's office, leaving him to square things out with his clients.
"He'll be back in three weeks, Mike," Rachel said, gently.
"I know. But Harvey taking a sabbatical, and the reason he's doing it. It's surreal."
Rachel nodded and let out a wry chuckle, "They're both idiots."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing, Mike."
This was it. His clients had been assured they were being left in the hands of his best associates and the managing partner of the firm.
There wasn't much left to do, except…
"Gretchen, I've already arranged for you to be reassigned to Jessica for the time I'm gone. With her handling my clients, it's best if you worked with her. And, I've already deposited an advance on your salary for the next month."
"You didn't have to do that, Mr. Specter."
"It's done. And it's Harvey, Gretchen."
His secretary smiled, her kind eyes filling with appreciation. She reached into a drawer for a document and held it out to him.
"What's this?"
"It's my résumé."
"Why are you showing me this?"
"I wanted to explain the two-year gap. My husband had passed away. My children were grown. I had no purpose, I felt alone, and I started having panic attacks."
"I… I don't understand."
"I'm saying, you got this, Harvey. You'll figure this out, and you'll be stronger for it. I know you will."
Author's Notes: I hope you enjoyed this ride. Please let me know what you thought; reviewers get to choose between a three-way date with Harvey and Donna at a restaurant of their choice or a home-made dinner at their Seattle home.