Chapter 4: Answers

Author's Notes: Thanks once again for the reviews, everyone. I'm constantly blown away that people like this story.

Hope you enjoy this chapter. All thanks again go to my muse and beta-extraordinaire, Nathalie for looking over this and for putting up with my crankiness with the patience of a saint.

Sitting in the back of the taxi, she composed herself, trying to bring her jumbled thoughts in order. She'd spent the last few weeks convinced that she'd done the right thing in putting herself first, and moving on from him.

Her own feelings for him - feelings that she'd thought she'd long buried - had drowned her in an avalanche of uncertainty and confusion when he'd uttered those words to her.

You know I love you, Donna.

She knew something had happened that night; she knew something had shifted between them. There had been an intensity in the way he'd been looking at her, before something had snapped within him and he'd run.

She'd been ready to jump, but he'd backed away.

I did that because I wanted to make you feel better.

That had hurt. He didn't feel the same way about her, and she knew she had to work her own feelings out of her heart and she knew she wouldn't have been able to do that sitting a few feet away from him.

Louis' appreciation of her had soothed her at her rawest moment, and she'd been sure of her convictions that Harvey hadn't appreciated her or valued her presence in his life.

Harvey doesn't know how lucky he is to have you.

She had believed that. Her confusion and anger had caused her to forget how much Harvey had valued and cared for her: the ways he'd shown her that she was more than someone he just paid to run his life.

His successes were as much yours as they were his, and that meant sharing his money with you.

She'd thrown his kindness back in his face, accusing him of revealing it out of pettiness. And then, on top of that, made him feel the full brunt of her resentment that he hadn't respected her decision to move on.

He'd had his integrity and professional achievements challenged by the man she had chosen to work for. And she had sided with Louis, out of her sense of loyalty to him.

But, she had known it would hurt him. She'd definitely anticipated that, and a small part of her had wanted it to hurt. But, she'd not counted on the extent of Louis' own insecurities and envy of Harvey. And, she'd failed to anticipate just how far he could go, if left unchecked.

She realized that her own sadness and bitterness about their relationship and the things she had shared with Louis about it had added to his own unfortunate perception of Harvey's character. She had let him believe that Harvey hadn't cared for her beyond her value to him as a secretary.

And Louis had used that knowledge as ammunition to hurt Harvey even more.

Regardless of what had happened between them, he hadn't deserved that.

Now, he was gone, and she'd lost her chance to make it right with him.

"It's good to have you here, Harvey. Haley and Josh are going to be absolutely surprised when they see you."

"It's good to be here, Marcus." Harvey said as his brother hugged him.

"Come on, I'll show you to your room." Marcus took hold of his suitcase, and allowed him to step inside.

"Are you sure about this? I can always get a room. I'm bound to get better room service there, anyway." He smirked.

"Shut up, dickhead. You think Katie will forgive me if I let her brother-in-law languish in a hotel?"

They laughed, making their way to the guest room. After stowing Harvey's luggage away, the two brothers made their way down to the kitchen.

"So." Marcus began. "Do you want to tell me why my degenerate brother called out of the blue last night with a plan to stay with his family for three weeks?"

"You're one to talk, loser," Harvey glared at him before sighing. "You remember when I called you a couple of weeks back, and you asked me if everything was alright?"

Marcus turned around slowly from the pancake batter he was mixing for his brother, "Harvey, did something happen? At work? With you?"

He let out a sad chuckle, "I guess you could say that."

Stepping into the 50th floor, Donna rolled her eyes when she saw Louis waiting near her desk.

"What is it, Louis? Because if you're going to continue to press me about Harvey, I'm not going to have any answers for you."

She rounded her desk.

"I wasn't going to…," he started, but stopped when she raised her eyebrows.

Her voice quivered, "You've been lying to me. And I was so angry with him because of that, that I did something stupid yesterday. And now, I can't even tell him I'm sorry."

"Donna."

"Please, just go back to your office, Louis. I need to be by myself and I have work to do."

She waited until he was gone, before she opened her bag and pulled out the cactus.

He'd been taking good care of it, even after things had gone sour between them. Granted, it didn't need much tending, but he clearly was more sentimental than she'd given him credit for.

Was holding on to the cactus his way of holding on to her?

Three weeks. She couldn't wait that long. She needed to talk to him and she needed to find out what was going on with him.

Jessica and Gretchen were out of the question. She wouldn't get anything more from them. Mike would know, but instinct told her that it wouldn't amount to much. Mike was loyal to Harvey, and she didn't want to put him in a position to lie to either one of them.

She would need to find out on her own.

Her eyes fell on her screen, as an idea struck her.

His bank accounts. His recent credit card activity would give her an idea of where he was, and she could figure out a way to reach him.

She knew Harvey would be pissed if he found out what she'd done, but she'd cross that bridge when it came to it. She pulled it up before she could talk herself out of it.

Typing in the login details she knew by heart, she looked into his recent card activity.

Boston.

He was in freaking Boston. She realized that she could have guessed that, but why?

Had something happened with his mother? Had Forstman gotten to Marcus again? Why hadn't he told her anything?

Considering the way she'd been stonewalled by everyone, it was clear he didn't want her knowing what was happening with him anymore.

What makes you think that if I ever were to leave Louis, I would ever ever come back to you?

A lone tear slid out of her eye, her own parting words to him echoing in her mind again. He was clearly dealing with something huge in his own life, and she'd managed to pile on to it with her own words and push him away for good.

"Donna. Hey!"

Rachel smiled, her face belying her own nervousness at seeing Donna in her office. After the talk she'd had with Mike last night, she'd been doing her best to stall this very moment between them, but she knew she wouldn't be able to avoid Donna all day.

"Hey. You down for a little chat?" Her friend said quietly, as she sat down in one of the chairs.

"Of course. Are you OK?" Rachel could see that Donna had been having a rough day, as she'd expected she would.

"You know I'm not, Rachel."

"I know. Donna, listen. If you're here to ask me what is going on with him, I cannot really tell you that without..."

"I know he's in Boston," Donna interrupted her. "But I know you can't tell me any more than that, Rachel. And I'm not going to make you, I promise."

Rachel waited, watching sadly as her friend let out a light sniffle and shook her head.

"You know, I knew that things were going to change between us professionally, once I made the decision to work for Louis. Heck, I made sure it did. I told Harvey that a dozen times, probably a dozen times, too many."

"But?"

"I never really anticipated how much would change. I mean, I know I can never go back to working for him, but I still care about him. And at the very least, I'd hoped he still cared enough to let me know what was going on in his life. I am his friend. At least I thought I was, until yesterday."

"Donna, what happened yesterday?"

Rachel listened as Donna relayed what happened.

"You didn't see him at all after that?" She asked after Donna had finished.

She shook her head.

"Just once, at the elevators. He seemed to be in a hurry to go somewhere."

Rachel sighed. She knew what had happened then, and it killed her not to be able to tell Donna that. But she could try something else.

"Donna, why does that fight make you think he no longer cares?"

"I don't know, Rach. Something in the way he looked after I told him I was never going back to him keeps coming back to me. I expected him to fight back or say something in retaliation, but he never said a word. I know now that he was hurt by what I'd said."

"Why wouldn't he be? Mike told me about what Louis did. Donna, you know what Louis is like, especially where Harvey is concerned."

Donna let out a frustrated sigh. "I know."

Rachel reached for her friend's hand, "You also know that Harvey definitely valued you more than his money or his reputation here. So, why didn't you correct Louis when you could?"

Donna stayed silent.

"Do you want to know what I think?" Rachel asked quietly.

Donna raised her head to look at her, but still stayed quiet.

"You wanted to believe that Harvey kept fighting with Louis to get you back on his desk, because that meant you could tell yourself he still needed you in his life. Don't think I haven't noticed that you haven't asked me a single thing about his new secretary, Gretchen."

"Rachel."

"It bothers you, doesn't it?"

"Yes. Of course, it bothers me. I worked for him for twelve years, and I guess I wasn't prepared to see him move on to another secretary, even if I tried to help him with finding a replacement. And then, Jessica told me that he didn't want to force me to work for him. Which means, all this time, I've been believing the worst of him, and I spewed all my anger at him for nothing."

"Then you can see how he'd be wary of sharing anything with you now, Donna. You have to try to see that from his side, as well."

"But this was about work, Rachel. I never meant for it to extend to our relationship as friends."

"Did you let him know that?" Rachel asked, gently.

"I told him that I still cared about him, when I offered to help him find a replacement."

"And?"

"He turned me down, and told me that two people who cared about each other don't move on, at all. But then he came to me later, and asked me for some help, and I turned him down and told him he was on his own."

"Why did you turn him down?"

"Because, he turned me down first! And I didn't want Louis thinking I was going to leave him. He's still afraid I'm going to do that."

"You told Harvey that?"

"Yes. Why?"

Rachel groaned inwardly, but shook her head, "I was just asking. Did Harvey ask you for help after that?"

"No. He just came and took the list of replacements from me."

"And hired Gretchen."

"Yes, and I thought that would be the end of it. Louis wanted to make things right with him and show him he had Harvey's back, but Harvey doesn't trust him."

"Donna, why would he? After all the shit he's pulled with you, with me, with Mike?"

"He's not that bad, Rachel."

"No, he's not. To you. But to Harvey, he has been. And even if he had good intentions at first, he's not given Harvey any reason to change his mind about him. But then again, you know all this about him. So, let me ask you this. Why did you go to work for him?"

"I told you, I couldn't keep working for Harvey…"

"That's not what I asked," Rachel reiterated. She rounded her desk, and took the chair next to Donna. "I asked why did you choose Louis?"

"I told you I had to move on, and he needed a secretary. And he wanted me."

"Donna, you do realize that if you really wanted to move on, you chose the worst possible way to do it. Because as long as Harvey walks the halls of this firm, there's no way you'd have been able to move on. You still see him every day, even if you don't work fifteen feet away from him anymore."

"I still needed a job."

"And what, you couldn't have got one outside this firm? You're the best legal secretary any firm could have." She squeezed Donna's hand. "Instead, you chose to work just down the hall from him, and for a man who's been a constant thorn in his side for as long as he's known him."

Donna stayed quiet.

"Even if you said you still cared about him, and I'm not saying you don't, seeing you working with Louis would have lent the lie to that statement. In his eyes."

"And then, Louis continued to rub it in his face, and I told him I would never leave Louis, even after he'd stopped trying to get me back."

"Listen, you said he'd never be ready for more between you, and I understand why you had to do what you did, Donna. But, it still doesn't change the fact that he cares about you. More than you know."

"And I've been, for all intents and purposes, punishing him for it without meaning to."

Rachel nodded.

Donna sighed, and looked warmly at her. "When did you become so good at Donna'ing people?"

"I had a good teacher." Rachel smiled.

"Hey Rachel, you ready to… Donna!" Mike had stopped awkwardly in the doorway to her office.

"Mike." Donna smiled and stood up. "It's alright, I was just leaving."

"I was just gonna ask Rachel out for a coffee. You wanna join?"

"No, I'm good. You kids have fun."

"Hey." Mike stopped her, grabbing her wrist gently. "You alright?"

"I am." She smiled. "Or I will be. See you later, guys."

Mike turned back to Rachel, who was watching her friend disappear down the hallway.

"How is she, really?"

"Not good. She's confused and hurt." She said, moving to grab her coat.

"So is Harvey." Mike reminded her.

"It's not a contest, Mike, even if I think he brought it on himself."

They stepped out.

"I'm not disagreeing with you. But, you and I both know that Donna's just as bad at telling him how she feels."

"She is. And get this, she told Harvey that she wouldn't leave Louis because that would feed into his worst fear of losing her."

"But, that's exactly why…"

"I know."

"Like you said. Idiots."

"Mmhmm."

Donna didn't know how it had happened. After leaving Rachel's office, her feet had carried her towards her old cubicle. Towards his office.

Seeing Gretchen there, she stopped, glancing between the secretary and his office, a pleading look in her eyes.

"Go on, Red."

She nodded gratefully, and stepped into Harvey's office. Making her way to his chair, she sat down, turning around to face the view of the late evening sun bathing the city in hues of orange and pink.

You'll never be able to move on as long as Harvey walks the halls of this firm.

Rachel's words had stuck with her ever since she'd said them. The woman was going to be one hell of a lawyer, she thought ruefully. With a few insightful words, her best friend had managed to cut to the core of her jumbled thoughts.

Did she want to move on?

She knew he definitely had, or was trying to, because she'd given him no choice.

But, she hadn't even begun to. She understood that now.

And, sitting here, in his office, with his scent still lingering in the space, she realized with an even bigger pang, how much Harvey had let her into his life.

To an outsider, his office looked like a statement of success and prestige. An expansive record collection, a wall of achievements, a decanter of expensive scotch and a funny looking painting that Louis thought was ugly.

But, she was the only one who knew the exact location of his Dad's record, the one that he played when he needed to feel close to him.

She was the only one who knew what the painting on the wall signified to the man whose relationship with his mother had shaped him into who he was.

She was the only one who knew that the Macallan 18 in his decanter was his father's favorite scotch.

She was the only one who knew the stories behind every single ball on his ledge and that the Michael Jordan ball was the one he gravitated to when he was feeling contemplative.

He's said you were a package deal. He wouldn't come here without you.

Now she was here without him.

And Harvey, no one is leaving you.

She had left his desk. Except, she really hadn't left him, even though she'd made him think she had.

She stood up. She didn't break promises. She wasn't going to let him think that anymore. She couldn't continue working here for Louis, knowing that he was dealing with something big on his own in Boston.

He was still her best friend. He might not love her in that way, but he'd still told her he had. She wouldn't force him to define 'how' anymore, unless he was ready to, if he ever was.

But, she could still be his friend when he needed it the most.

They'd make it work. She was Donna. He was Harvey. It was what they did.

To Boston she'd go.

Author's Notes: And she's off. Hope you enjoyed this ride. I had a bit of a struggle bringing Donna to this point because I hadn't fully fleshed it out in my mind. Nathalie had been beyond amazing in dealing with my writer's block.

Do let me know what you all think. Reviewers get to take a road-trip with Darvey to any destination of their choice. For the music, you can choose between torturing Harvey with show-tunes and annoying Donna with Harvey's '70s playlist. They'll defer to you. ;)