Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and the OCs
Hey everyone, I just sort of realised, that although the rating will eventually go up, it may make the story a tad easier to find if until then I keep it to T, that's why it's going down for now.
To be honest, this chapter annoyed me a little with how often I found my self writing some variation of 'I didn't care' or 'I ignored what was going on around me' but at the end of the day, I've been extremely depressed before, and that was my genuine experience. It's not fun being depressed, and can actually be in some ways an incredibly boring experience that sort of just doesn't stop, even when you're sick of being depressed.
I felt like I used a lot of words to describe things on repeat, but I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep, so wrote this instead. So it doesn't surprise me that my vocabulary was limited, and some words were probably used too many times.
Next chapter will be some Kakashi pov I think
As always, let me know what works for you, and what doesn't work so well, as well as general thoughts, and any scenes of prompts you would be interested in seeing going forward.
Chapter 6 - Say Something I'm Giving Up On You
I didn't know the exact date that I had first woken up in Konoha, but I knew that the one year anniversary was sometime within the the next ten days.
I was languishing in my corner, unopened book dwarfing the still disconcertingly small lap, and sinking into the depths of my thoughts, when something unprecedented occurred; DFB turned up early.
Or perhaps it was more accurate to say he turned up at an average time, alongside many of the other parents. I blandly noticed afterward, that the other young toddlers spotted their mothers and fathers approaching them, with sweet little smiles of recognition, and squeals of excitement, with their parents often bending down to swoop them up into loving hugs, and act as though their babies' babbling was the most interesting thing in the world, and DFB's contrasting approach to me really couldn't have been more different.
He approached me quietly enough that I didn't take notice of him at first. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that I was pointedly not paying too much attention to the other adults in the room. I wasn't sure what first made me realise he was stood beside me, only that something interrupted my daydreaming, and made me slowly drag my eyes away from the wall in front of me to find out what.
Upon seeing DFB, a flicker of confusion went through me, but dissipated quickly. I had rarely experienced anything more vivid emotionally than a fleeting presence for some months. He watched me silently for long seconds that would have dragged on awkwardly if I had had the mind to care more about social conventions.
I was unable to decipher his thoughts from the small patch of his face that I could see, and when he made no move to do anything, I gave up waiting and turned back to the wall. I considered that perhaps he was here to let the women know he was on a multiple day mission.
I had seen a fair few occasions where the shinobi parents couldn't make it back to their child in time due to missions, or injuries, and the day care centre had an overnight system set up for that. I didn't know how long they would look after children for, but DFB hadn't required it so far.
I was jolted from my musing by DFB's hands wrapping around the little torso and lifting me into his arms. The familiar book I was holding dropped from surprised fingers and clattered onto the floor, capturing his attention. He bent down to pick it up, and read the front cover out loud.
DFB made a contemplative noise, before saying something. It sounded like it was directed toward me, but I found that unlikely based upon experience. Even if it had been I wouldn't have known what he was saying, and so I acted as though he hadn't said anything, instead quietly appreciating his familiar smell, which by now reminded of the room and bed, and the comfort of sleep.
I zoned out after that, heaving a tired sigh and vaguely wondering if the early pick up meant that DFB would feed me. Did he even know I was almost entirely eating tiny portions of solids now? Well, even if he didn't, it wouldn't kill me to drink milk for one evening.
I closed my eyes and felt comfort in the wind rushing past my face during our journey back to the room, drifting off into my thoughts once more.
It was only when we entered through the window of an apartment, and I immediately noticed a lack of familiar scent saturating the place that I opened my eyes. We weren't in the room, we were in someone's home. The place was kitted out fairly simplistically, and I noticed straight away that whoever the place belonged to also had a young child, judging by the small amount children's books and toys I saw tucked away in one corner.
Taking stock of the room we were in with a sweep of my eyes I spotted a modest television, low set table and sofa, shelves, a couple cupboards and drawers, an open plan space that allowed me to also see the kitchen cordoned off by raised counter tops, and what looked like a sliding door out onto a plant filled balcony.
It was simple, a little worn, but all in I found it to be fairly beautiful. For all that I had a slight appreciation for the space, I had no desire to meet or interact with whoever lived in it, and promptly closed my eyes once more in the hope that I gave 'fuck off' vibes.
Then an uncomfortable clearing of the throat vibrated through DFB's chest, and he began to talk, sounding incredibly awkward, hesitant and sheepish. My eyes shot open in surprise, wondering who he was talking to. He was rubbing the back of his neck with one free hand as he spoke, but I couldn't see anyone else.
Was he... talking to me? Voluntarily? I kept my eyes open as continued to talk, surprise at the almost unprecedented event capturing my attention. He began to walk around the room pointing out things as he spoke, and although I didn't bother looking at where he was gesturing, I did focus nearly my entire attention on the sensation of his voice vibrating through his chest and against me.
DFB walked through a door leading to a small light filled hallway, with two doors in it. The first one was opened to reveal a clean bathroom, much more personal looking than the one opposite the room we stayed in, as well as a fair bit larger, with a bath as well as a shower, which the bathroom we used was missing. I also spotted a small pair of steps leading up to the toilet, which I assumed was for the kid. The second door showed a bedroom.
It was when I saw the bedroom, with shelves holding the Icha Icha series, photographs of DFB's old team on it, and Mr. Ukki that the dots finally connected for me.
This was DFB's new flat. I was a little confused about the sudden change in both residence, and behaviour from DFB, but I chose not to question it too strongly, considering I didn't plan to be around for long enough to assuage any curiosity I felt.
DFB was still talking, although he seemed to quickly be running out of things to say, as his sentences increasingly trailed off. I didn't mind, in fact the novelty of him talking had worn off quickly and I was impatient to be put down and left alone once more.
The room was larger and nicer than his last one, and the mattress was larger too, although some of the furniture was familiar. I didn't see anything resembling a crib, so I assumed that for now at least, I would remain in a corner of the mattress with a blanket, closest to the wall and with DFB between me and the doors and windows.
Despite the change of scenery, DFB placed me on the bed as per usual, and left the room to remove the disguise he continued to wear to pick me up and drop me off from day care. The only difference was that he placed me in the middle of the bed, instead of the corner.
I figured it didn't matter much, and allowed the time to blur by as usual, until he returned. Or not, considering he now had a sitting room to relax in, instead of being forced to spend all his time in the same room as me.
However, he did return, and then, since the day seemed determined to be full of surprises, he picked me up once more, and continued his awkward one sided conversation.
I internally sighed with exasperation, but made now outward sign of my mild irritation. He took us back into the sitting room, and approached the corner with the small selection of baby items.
It only then occurred to me that they were for me, and I wondered if someone press ganged DFB into buying them for me, since he had shown no inclination to do anything similar to it for an entire year.
His talking sounded like a slightly more confident and enthusiastic version of his usual lazy tone once he got near them, and began to pull out a new folded up blanket, a baby book and a selection of baby toys.
He placed the blanket on the floor in front of the sofa and the toys on top. After that I went belly down on the blanket too, with the toys before me. DFB crouched back, with his weight on his ankles, beside me and continued talking.
After a few moments of me not paying any attention, I heard more than saw him pick one of the toys up and shake it slightly near my ear. I ignored him until he put it down again, and then I ignored him some more.
Whatever this was, I didn't have the emotional energy for it, and I couldn't be bothered with playing along with whatever weird ideas DFB had decided to get into his head regarding our roles toward each other.
At this point, the shit-all that we had worked fine for me and I wanted to keep it that way before I died again.
He sighed above me when I made no sign of acknowledging him, and turned to sit back against the sofa. After a few minutes further I saw him fish out his precious Icha Icha and continue reading.
With the dynamic between us back to a state of order and balance once more, I allowed myself to fall in the haze of my thoughts and waste the time away for the next few hours.
As soon as I found my bladder begin to feel uncomfortable, I almost opened my mouth to inform DFB of our by now seamless and almost unthinking messaging system, that was still just 'AH', however that was when I remembered steps in the bathroom, and realised I no longer had to rely on him for that.
It was with a surprising amount of relief, that I knew my last however-long-it-would-take would be filled the maximum amount of privacy as I could get, regarding bodily functions at the physical age I was.
Not wasting any time, considering this wouldn't be the usual hasty dash with adult sized footsteps, I pushed myself onto my feet with little difficulty, and toddled off in the direction that I remembered the bathroom being.
I didn't pause when I heard DFB's shocked noise as I got to my feet, since I recognised that this was the first time he had ever seen me walk, but it did annoy me slightly when he followed behind me, considering where I was going.
I was glad that the door had been left open to the hall, although I grudgingly admitted I needed DFB's presence for the door to the bathroom. When he followed me inside though, I put my foot down.
I turned to him, realising I didn't have the words to say what I wanted, and I didn't want to show the intelligence to gesture to him to fuck off. Instead, I walked up to him and gently(ish) began to push at his shins.
I continued to push, and eventually he allowed me to back him up until he stood just outside of the bathroom, and then closed the door to, leaving a tiny gap so that I could open it again without needing to reach the handle.
With a sigh of near contentment at my first moment of privacy in a bathroom, I carefully took the stairs two feet at a time, and had a quiet thought that it probably didn't count as real privacy, since DFB was likely right outside the door hearing exactly what I was doing.
Also, I realised, I would still need his help washing my hands each time.
Afterward, I made my back to the blanket, and lay back down on my front, with my head turned away from the sofa, so that I could go back to my own world and ignore DFB.
Despite the fact that I couldn't see him, when he too sat back down, the lack of pages turning as often told me that he was watching me more closely than before. It didn't worry me, as long as he left me alone, and I continued to think and doze slightly.
Not too long later DFB got up to make food, which actually took an incredibly short amount of time, until I realised that that he was serving up food from a store bought bento box for me, and eating takeaway himself.
Everything in it could be eaten with a spoon, which I was mildly thankful for, since I had mastered that utensil, but hadn't quite gotten the chubby fingers to cooperate with chopsticks just yet without making a gross mess.
We ate in silence, DFB eyeing me fairly blatantly over the low table we sat at. I continued the trend of ignoring him, and ate mechanically until I wasn't hungry any more.
As soon as I finished, I didn't wait to make my way into the bedroom, and stayed there, sat by the bed and lost in daydreams until DFB came to check on me shortly afterward, changing my clothes and lifting me onto my corner of the bed with the blanket I always slept with.
I lay with my head facing away from him, and closed my eyes, urging sleep to come before my day could get weirder.
Warm rough fingertips woke me up at some point in the night, gently stroking over the back of the small hand, down to the fingers, and then into the half curled palm. I kept my eyes closed and pretended it was just my imagination.
If I thought the schedule I knew like the back of my hand by now, would continue on as normal despite the anomaly, I was wrong. The next day, to my bafflement, we didn't go into day care at all.
I woke up desperate for a piss, and starving hungry, clambered down off the end of the bed and rushed to the bathroom. DFB had clearly been woken up by my movements, because he was waiting when I was finished to help me wash my hands.
He then went back to the strange habit of talking to me, as he picked me up and placed me back on the blanket in the sitting room, with a new selection of toys.
Periodically throughout the day, DFB seemed to take it upon himself to talk to me and attempt to capture my interest in one activity or another, from book reading, to toy playing, to TV watching. I wasn't keen on any of it, and continued my practiced habit of daydreaming, only bothering to move to eat and go to the bathroom.
I also got better at tuning DFB out entirely, so that by the next day, when he still showed no sign of taking me to day care, I knew that even if he spent all day trying to chat my ear off, I wouldn't have any trouble getting caught up in the comfortable fugue of my daydreams.
Day three consisted of DFB taking me on an outing for the first time in this life. I attempted to summon up some genuine enthusiasm for the brand new experience, but couldn't sustain it for long enough to even arrive. We stopped in a field with trees, a river and some rocks nearby. Although at first glance things seemed completely natural, I realised everything looked just a little bit too perfectly placed, and that the lack of people but signs of wear and tear dotted about suggested that we could well be in a training ground.
I guessed it made sense if DFB wanted complete privacy.
For all that a part of me found the scenery stunning, I couldn't feel it on any level, and felt no urge to get up and explore it. I lay on the blanket he had put down, face down to block out the sun, and continued what I did every day.
By day four I guessed that DFB had finally given up whatever experiment he had been trying, because that morning I found myself back at day care. I expected to be dropped off and left there as per usual. What I did not expect was DFB keeping me in his hold and having intense conversations with all of the women there, that lasted what felt like hours.
Whatever he had discovered seemed to perturb DFB, because rather than bugger off, leaving me behind for the day, he was back within the hour, and taking me to the new apartment, where I discovered he had bought a full bag of books that all seemed to have a picture associated with babies and parents on the front.
He spent the rest of the day flicking rapidly through the books one after the other, sometimes two at once, while I lay there occasionally watching him, but mostly half dozing.
The next day showed no signs of being less annoyingly strange. After we had both eaten, and DFB had spent a few hours reading more of the books he had bought, he went into the hall for a few minutes, and came back in his familiar disguise. He packed The Bag, which I hadn't seen for a few months, with a spare change of clothes, some snacks and water, a blanket and a few toys.
Picking me up in one arm, he left via the balcony and it wasn't long before we arrived in a park filled with young children. Most of them were physically a year or two older than me, but I saw one or two who looked about one year old.
Initially, I expected a day similar to the one spent in the training field, but apparently DFB was more determined to get his own way than that. Within a few minutes he was poking and prodding at me, talking irritatingly peppily all the while. The poke and prods advanced to nudging when the pokes elicited no reaction from me. When I still didn't move from his nudges, DFB heaved a sigh and physically picked me up.
I was tempted to give him an unappreciative glare, but lacked the energy for it, instead I limply dangled in his hold, until he transferred his grip to my hands which felt... weird, since he rarely touched my bare skin for any length of time. He stood up, bent over slightly, refusing to let go of my hands until I was forced to support myself on my feet.
He slowly walked me off the blanket and onto the grass, his grip on me (he's not holding my hands like a parent He's not) helping to account for the seconds it took for me to adjust to the suddenly uneven ground. I was a touch more wobbly than usual, thanks to the uneven surface, which I was out of practice walking on. Too busy concentrating on not losing my balance, I didn't notice at first that DFB was taking us further away from the blanket, until we approached a tree, where he softly let me sink to the ground.
I looked in his general direction for a sign of what I was supposed to be doing, but when he once more began talking, I turned my attention inward, waiting for things to either make themselves clear, or for us to go back to the blanket, or better yet the apartment.
When none of those things happened, I gave up waiting, since the ground was mildly uncomfortable, and got up to make my way back to our things myself. I didn't even get a quarter of the way before I was picked up and placed back by the tree.
I tried this twice more, in an attempt to get my desires across. DFB was either being incredibly obtuse or didn't give a shit, because he kept picking me up and dropping me back by the tree until I gave up and sat down again.
I picked at the grass by my side, bored and aggravated, until DFB finished whatever it was he was telling me, dropped a toy in my lap, and went back to sit on the blanket, watching me as I sat there sullenly, with a blank face.
I held out for around twenty minutes, before my building irritation and boredom, as well my cold and numb butt had me deciding I'd had enough, and got up to make my way back to where DFB had half his attention on Icha Icha.
However, as I was walking, I forgot to account for tree roots and how large they'd be compared to the body I had, seeing as I was used to them being much smaller in my original body. My foot caught on a root sticking out of the ground, and I fell forward, sticking my hands out to catch myself.
I felt a sharp pain, and a strange, disturbing feeling in my hand that I'd never experienced before in either lives so far. It took a couple of seconds to regain my bearings, and reluctantly look at my right hand. A long thin needle like piece of metal was sticking out of my hand, and for a moment I couldn't reconcile the image to figure out what had happened, until I allowed my brain to interpret what I was seeing properly, and realised that it had gone through my hand, entering through my palm from where it was sticking out of the dirt, and exiting out the back.
I froze, unsure what I was supposed to do, before realising I'd have to pull it out of the dirt without jostling my injured hand too much, and show DFB, who'd have a better idea.
A deep throbbing pain within my limb was quickly making itself known, radiating across the entire area, to accompany the sharp ache. Biting my lip to stifle the whines that wanted to escape the back of my throat, I shuffled closer on my knees, so that I could lift my left hand from the ground without losing balance.
With harsh intakes of breath each time the needle (senbon Sometimes people poison them) was nudged from my movements, I braced myself, and committed to a single quick yank of the needle. Wrapping my fingers carefully over what little I could that was still between my palm and the ground, I counted down from three, grit my few teeth and pulled harshly. Thanks to my sweaty fingers, it didn't come free as easily as I'd hoped, but the ground wasn't too hard, and I managed.
The harsh pain radiating through my entire hand had me bending over it and cradling it to my chest for a moment, unwilling to move again.
I had only been half facing DFB the entire time, and he finally decided to check out why I was taking so long to get off the ground again. As he made his way over, I became almost reluctant to show him the injury, but I knew that it was an irrational feeling I had when I felt vulnerable from pain.
He crouched down beside me and said something that was clearly a question. I could take a few guesses at what he was asking, and slowly unfurled myself to show him my perforated hand. There wasn't much blood, considering, but there was still enough to steadily drip down the needle and onto the dirt.
DFB inhaled sharply at my injury, his eye widening in alarm and his body jolting. His reaction, compared to my slightly flushed cheeks and set jaw, was almost funny, considering he was a hardened shinobi.
He pulled me quickly into his arms, and in less than a second, he was rushing through the air. It was less than a minute later that we landed outside of a building, where he briskly made his way inside and toward the front desk. With a few commanding sounding sentences, he had a medic making his way toward us.
We were quickly led toward a room close by, where I was sat in DFB's lap, which also felt a bit weird, and the medic had my hand cradled gently within his.
Both men were talking over my head, quietly and seriously, before the medic pulled the needle swiftly out of me without warning. I jumped, as DFB clamped down on me, but had little reaction beyond that.
I was honestly more fascinated by the way the blood steadily dripped out of the tiny hole. I'd always found the colour, warmth and consistency of blood to be mesmerising, and although it generally turned my stomach when it came from animals, from humans was another matter.
The medic continued his soothingly quiet commentary, as he cleaned my small wound, and then, to my complete fascination, the air around his hand lit up with what looked to be a sort of green translucent fire. I realised, as the pain in my limb reduced and the hole closed, that it was medical jutsu.
I had seen chakra used multiple times so far, from DFB using internally it to propel himself across rooftops, to the women at day care using it for relatively small matters, that were only noticeable because I was from a world without chakra.
I had never seen it used so obviously and recognisably (amazingly beautifully I feel it It feels so right Like the most natural thing in the world) though, and I couldn't stop staring well after the jutsu had finished, and my injury was gone.
The medic noticed my captured attention, and chuckled, saying something in amusement. DFB replied, sounding weary, and that was that. We left, and I spared a thought to the bag, toys and blanket at the park, as we arrived back on the balcony of our apartment.
I was placed back in front of the sofa, where everything was still laid out, but instead of removing his disguise, DFB went back out through the balcony doors and left. I lay there for a few minutes, thinking back on my reaction to someone else's chakra coming in contact with my skin.
It had felt... like nothing I could describe. Like if bleeding into someone else's body could be both hygienic, clean, and romanticised. Like a part of his essence, the most natural, simultaneously the most human and yet least conscious part of him had touched me. I didn't know why Chakra seemed to largely be a weapon of war when it felt so intimate to be touched by it.
It was like, in that moment, when his chakra had entered my system, I knew him. I knew him on a fundamental level, I saw his existence, I recognised him as a living human, I connected to him in a way I had never experienced before.
It had left me momentarily in awe. Now I mainly felt disturbed. I didn't want to connect like that to a stranger now that I had committed myself to leaving this life. If that happened again I would quickly lose my resolve, living day to day waiting for a chance to feel that fleeting spiritual intimacy again, that at the end of the day was no substitute for the sort of personal connection I was more familiar with from my original life.
It would be a shitty way for me to live. And far too easy to visualise. I realised that if DFB ever did that with me I was fucked. I couldn't let that happen. In something resembling panic, but was actually closer to dread, I stood up, and immediately saw the balcony doors had been left open just enough for me to fit through the gap.
Not taking any more time to think things through, least I lose my nerve, I made my way unwaveringly out onto the balcony, and saw, to my grim satisfaction, that the bars of the rail on the balcony were set far enough apart for me to squeeze through.
My breath caught in my throat, and my mouth was dry, no matter how many times I swallowed. I felt the sweat build on the palms of my hands, and prickle coldly down my back. Despite the adrenaline, and pounding heart, my mind felt numb, in a daze, and everything felt unreal.
I fit myself through the metal bars and stepped up to the edge, knowing better than to take a pause to allow any doubts to set in, then without another thought, I fell forward.
My heart choked my throat as I felt my body tilt toward a ninety degree angle. The adrenaline crashing through my system made time seem suspended during the first second. I slammed my eyes close and the ground rushed up to meet me.
Ah poor Kakashi. Finally trying to be a parent, and just getting no reward for it. What do you think finally kicked his butt into gear?
I know it can be difficult to get a good feel or even like a character they're just super depressed, which is sort of the same in real life. Or at least it is in my experience. When I was depressed I was told it was like I'd died and my body just continued going on an unconvincing version of automatic.
As Subaru recovers, and finds a reason to live properly and interact with the world around her, you'll get a better idea of just who she is.