Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

cliff hanger over, yay. I'm not thrilled by this chapter, but then one of the reason I'm writing this, is just to get it out, rather than trying to write something of excellent quality.

So very little editing.

I had hoped to move the plot a bit further during this chapter, but it got away from me, and I had to cut it off earlier due to length.

Back to Subaru pov next time. I was tempted to name this chapter tears in heaven, but decided that wasn't appropriate and those of you who would understand the joke would hate me for it.

Kakashi's emotions are a little bit all over the place in this, but it's the first time he's really opening himself up to what he's feeling regarding Subaru.

Within the next few chapters I reckon the happy feels should be picking up a touch.

Thank you so so much for your reviews guys! I read all of them multiple times! As always, let me know what you like and what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you'd like to see.

Chapter 9 - Why

Kakashi knew that usually, by the time he arrived to pick Subaru up, there were only a few women left who were cleaning up, or on night duty. He had always walked into one or two of them picking up toys, books and socks (Why was it always socks?) and cleaning things up, with one of them toting Subaru around in one arm while they worked.

This time, because he was far earlier than usual, Kakashi walked into the room at the same time as many other parents going to pick their children up. As he scooted past enthusiastic reunions, he steadily made his way to the corner he had frequently spotted Subaru slumping indolently in, his anxiety increasing as he got closer.

Her profile became clearer, and he realised that seeing her so lifeless up close was somehow worse than through the window. He stood over her, watching her, and it hit him just how unnatural the scene looked; her gaze off at the blank wall, dull and spiritless. Once more, Kakashi hoped that this was something that could be cleared up relatively quickly with some one on one interaction suitable for her intellect.

After all, children had short attention spans- even he was somewhat guilty of that as a small kid, and he thought it was likely she would be fairly easily distracted from her disinterest in the world.

As he continued assessing her, attempting to stifle his partially irrational trepidation, she noticed his presence and slowly turned her eyes toward him with a disturbing expressionlessness. He tried to find any hint of curiosity, or happiness within her face, but was left with nothing.

Eventually, she slowly turned her head back to the wall, too quiet and too controlled.

Having had enough of his thoughts blaring through his mind that this was clearly a sign he was a terrible parent, and he had fucked up somewhere regardless of his efforts, he bent down to pick Subaru up. As he did so, the book she had been holding dropped to the floor.

He picked it up and read the title, and realised that this was quite possibly the same book she'd been holding each time he checked in on her. Was it the picture on the front? Did she want a mother? Or was it the happy family interaction depicted? Or perhaps he was right in that she was bored, and this was a sign that she desired the ability to tuck herself away with a book to entertain her mind, but lacked the ability to read.

He wasn't sure, but he'd have some time to find out.

"Teaching you to read shouldn't be too hard. No more than teaching Genma that poison tipped senbon, alcohol, pick up lines, and kunoichi really don't mix well."

Holding her to him, he let the women know he was picking Subaru up early, answered the pre set,

personalised security question, which was changed each day according to his specifications, and made his way back to their new home.

For all that he had lived in his old one room apartment for years, Kakashi had never particularly considered it home. Konoha was his home. His apartment had just been where he slept and recovered from overworking himself, illness and injury. He had barely personalised the place, and the only real mark of ownership he'd bothered with had been when he'd gotten tired of his neighbours taking too long in the shared bathroom of that floor, so he'd trapped the place to high heaven until they stopped using it at all, and had forced two floors to share one bathroom on the level below him.

He never needed to cook, and was happy with store bought cold food, meals out, or if he was feeling particularly lazy, ration bars.

Looking after Subaru for the past year had forced him to spend more time within those four walls, than his entire time living there. He'd known in the back of his mind that he'd have to find somewhere more suitable once she was up and about, but had continued to put it off. The idea of actually creating something that could be called a family home was an incredibly confronting idea for him. The last time he had really had one of those, he'd been a child, and his father had been alive. Without a family of his own to live with, he hadn't ever bothered finding a new home after that.

It was one thing to still be a shinobi doing missions, still reading his Icha Icha, still mostly having the same friends, still working with the same people, and still coming home to the same place, even with the changes having a child added in- in reality, he hadn't been forced to uproot too much of what was familiar to him. Somehow, finding a new place specifically with a child in mind made everything more real. It made him take a look at the life he was living with a new lens- he really was a father now. He had a family again. This was probably the best he was going to get, and looking at Subaru's perpetually disinterest expression, he realised he had to make it work this time.

The string of realisations over the past week made it feel like his world had taken an abrupt shift and he was both terrified and hopeful. It had taken him a year to even begin to really understand what he had, and in that time he realised he had squandered his opportunity to make the most out of it, but he didn't allow the excuse that he didn't know how to make the most out of this hold him back from even trying anymore.

Gai was right, he was happier now, and in many ways he had Subaru to thank for that. He wanted to see just how happy this could make him- even when he felt out of his depth, and awkward, and like he had no idea what he was doing.

Whilst all of this was running through his mind, and sinking in, making a feeling he wasn't entirely sure what to call build in his stomach and chest each time he looked at Subaru, he was introducing her to the new space they would be living.

He didn't know exactly how intelligent she was, and how much she understood, but Gai had suggested that he talk to Subaru as though she understood every word that came out of his mouth. Apparently there was the implication from the Nara, who had given that advice, that this meant a level of censorship in what he said. Neither he nor Gai could figure out exactly what that meant, beyond not talking about classified information to children who didn't know what they should and shouldn't repeat.

Kakashi was not a naturally talkative person, and so forcing himself to keep finding things to say became increasingly awkward. He felt ridiculous, as he resorted to just pointing out features one would find in any decent living space. Subaru gave no reaction at all, beyond a slight wrinkle between her brow as she lay against Kakashi's chest, that actually looked... very cute.

He felt a moment of anticipation when he showed her the bedroom, clocking the moment her eyes landed on the shelves containing his books and his one photograph, and her eyes seemed to widen in recognition and realisation as suddenly she seemed to be far more interested in the room, sweeping it with an assessing look. However, to his disappointment, the attention she payed barely lasted two minutes, and she was back to her self contained bubble of silent blankness by the time he had returned from removing his disguise.

He lay down a new blanket for her in the sitting room, and introduced her to some toys that were supposed to be more interactive, and for children a few years older than her. He and Gai had decided on toys not too far out of her age range to start with, and then work their way up if she still found them boring.

Unfortunately, he couldn't tell if they were suitable or not; to his continued disappointment, she wouldn't even look at them, or react to his words. Subaru had her head firmly turned away from the toys, and carried on her dead eyed staring into the distance, eventually closing her eyes.

He gave a sigh of frustration, not sure what else he was supposed to do, but then mustered his determination, and told himself that they were only at the beginning of the list, and he had other things he could try throughout the next weeks to capture her interest. Maybe she needed to feel like she wasn't being watched- she could be self conscious due to her experience with being left alone previously, he considered, and so dropped onto the floor, resting against the sofa, and fetched his Icha Icha on the pretence of reading it like he did every other night.

He had almost given up on Subaru showing any signs of life for the night, and was even wondering if she'd bother moving to eat, when all of a sudden she was climbing onto her feet. Of course, Kakashi knew she could walk, considering he'd been watching her on and off for days, but to see close up how fluid and confident she was, compared to what he knew most children three times her age were like, shocked him. Was this the Hatake genes? Or her mother's? Or was it another result of her unusual circumstances of birth? Despite the fact that compared to a trained shinobi she was still like a half blind, three legged, half grown puppy without accurate depth perception, he was impressed.

He followed her, curious to see what she intended to do, and was led to the bathroom. He froze when she turned around and touched him. It took a few seconds to register what she wanted, over the stunned realisation that it was the first time Subaru had ever initiated contact entirely by herself. Even when she'd gummed him at the start of teething, he'd been holding her at the time. When he got over that, the comprehension of what she planned slammed into him like a second jolt.

That she had been smart enough to see the steps leading to the toilet, and immediately put the pieces together that they were there to encourage further independence (considering how right from the start she had radiated discomfort when accompanied in any way to the bathroom), spoke of greater intelligence that he had suspected.

As he lifted her up so she could use the sink to wash her hands, and gazed down at the back of her tiny head, he felt a mixture of pride, uncertainty, and something warm but slightly painful in his chest.

Afterward, although she went straight back to her worryingly excellent impression of a dead person, he continued to watch her, attempting to separate and identify the cocktail of emotions he felt when he looked at her.

When it came to serving Subaru food, he was grateful that he had spied her once during day care eating. It meant that he did not make the mistake of giving her a bottle, and had a vague idea of what foods she could eat, as well as the fact that she could feed herself. Unfortunately the gratitude soon became superseded by the disturbing revelation that she ate food with just as little emotion as she did everything else.

And then to top of the 'fantastically successful' day, she walked out of the room entirely after dinner, to pointedly sit by the bed. He was ready, by that point to give in and try again tomorrow, clearly having failed. He helped get her ready for sleep, and placed her in the bed, then retreated to the lounge to have another look at his list, tucked into the cover of his favourite Icha Icha, and cross a few things off as clearly failed.

Later, as he lay in bed, looking over Subaru as he had done multiple nights when she first arrived, he allowed himself to acknowledge his fear that he had screwed things up with her irreparably- that once again he was trying too late to repair the damage. He reached out and gently ran his fingers over her hand, feeling the unbelievably soft and smooth skin, and reminded himself that as long as she was still there physically, he could keep trying.

Over the next two days, Kakashi's hope dwindled slowly, and his concern increased. Nothing he did with her, or said to her seemed to make any difference. Taking her outside had her show no excitement, and despite what should have been an inundation of new smells, sounds, sights and textures for a smart child to rap it's head around and explore, she did as had always done- nothing. She lay on her front and closed her eyes in the apartment, she lay on her front and closed her eyes in the training ground.

Over that time he began to notice other worrying things; she didn't eat what he had checked children her age were supposed to eat- she stopped when she was done with trying, not when she was full- she was smaller than other kids her age- for all that was more developed in the growth and strength of her muscles, overall physically she was smaller, like her body had less will to grow- she just seemed diminished within herself- that one was harder to put into words, but it was like her spirit was shrunk in on itself, like she had less amount of life in her to expend than everyone else.

He tried almost frantically to come up with any plausible reason why she would be so passive and detached constantly, and then match it to what he was seeing. Bored could no longer excuse her unresponsiveness, and his words became increasingly lodged in his throat against the hard lump of fear that had taken up residence and proceeded to grow.

He finally admitted it to himself by the end of the second day; there was something very wrong with her. It was at that point that he began to feel a low burning anger.

He was angry with himself for being foolish enough to trust that he was doing a good enough job with Subaru, that he wasn't completely fucking everything up, for not trying harder. He was angry with the Sandaime for doing this to him, for giving him a child- a taste of family- only to discover she was defective and was more a flesh puppet than a person. He was angry at Subaru for making him lo- care for her, and showing none of the unconditional adoration or enthusiasm that he had seen in every other infant for their parent in the day care. He was angry with his father for killing himself and giving Kakashi so little to look back on for comparison to how he should parent, for giving him so many hang ups with family and connection and emotional intimacy, for not being there now to give him advice.

At the end of the day though, despite what he felt, he knew that his father had loved him, but he was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. Sandaime had done the best he could to protect the people of Konoha, as he always did- and Subaru was a person of Konoha-, Subaru was only a baby still no matter her intelligence, and was only doing whatever she had learnt- she didn't mean to be damaged or unloving. As for Kakashi, he couldn't undo his mistakes of the year, he could only do his utmost to acknowledge that he had made them, make up for them, and improve, which he was doing.

The only people left who he was angry at, were the women of day care. He had left Subaru with them under the understanding that they would look after her, that they knew she was different and would need as yet undiscovered special requirements. He had left Subaru with them and had gotten back an impassive husk of a child. What had they done? Why hadn't they said anything to him? He was angry at their perceived unprofessionalism, and felt as though if they couldn't look after Subaru properly without wrecking her, then there was no one he could trust his child with.

But at least he could find out why.

Early the next morning, Kakashi made his way to the day care with Subaru in his arms. The receptionist met him with a smile and asked him which security question and answer he wanted for the day.

"I'm not here to drop Subaru off today, Kimmi-san," he informed her without bothering with his usual eye smile, before summarily dismissing her and heading toward the room for babies and toddlers. Almost as soon as he entered, Kakashi was met at the door by Mei, who as usual had a beaming smile ready.

"Good morning Hoshi-san! Hi Subaru-chan! We weren't sure if you were coming in today, since we haven't seen either of you for a few days! Shall I take her off your hands?"

Mei reached out for Subaru, but Kakashi cut her off, holding Subaru slightly tighter in his arms.

"Actually Mei-san, I have a few concerns I'd like to address regarding Subaru's welfare and development."

Mei visibly faltered, confusion momentarily colouring her features, before she smiled again, "Of course! I'll do my best to help you, Hoshi-san! What would you like to know?"

Kakashi questioned Mei on Subaru's eating habits, her interests, who her playmates were, how much time the women spent with her a day, and what they spent time doing. When Mei began to show visible uncertainty at the situation she had found herself in, Kakashi heavily implied she call the others over so that he could ask them as well.

The questioning became close to an interrogation, as he asked them when Subaru had first learnt to sit up, and stand up and walk, and exactly how that process came to be. He grilled them on exactly when Subaru began to feed herself, and where she went when she walked, who she responded to, and who she interacted with rather than just put up with. He asked why they hadn't seen anything she had done as concerning, and why they hadn't come to him.

By the end of it, he was still incredibly frustrated with them, but understood the upshot of it was that they had been led to believe from the beginning that Subaru would be a very unusual child, and to cater to that, rather than forcing her to act like the other children her age.

When she had begun to show signs of being unusually determined in her movements, they had decided to help her, as Kakashi had told them to. It had quickly become clear, that despite some early attempts, she wouldn't play or find any enjoyment in childish past times, nor would she accept affection in any form from them.

They kept her fed, changed her diaper when they were supposed to, and helped her in the only way she would allow them to. When she was on her feet, and no longer needed any help, they kept an eye on her for a while, but it became apparent that she still held no interest in anything they could easily offer her, and having dealt with her unusual behaviour for months by that point, they were happy to cater to what she seemed to want- to be mostly left alone.

And then there had been a flood of young children, and the women were suddenly overworked and understaffed. Quiet, well behaved Subaru who came to them when she needed anything, ate her food without mess or fuss, was possessive of her independence, and had been said by her own father to be different, was left to her own devices for vast stretches of the days, and unintentionally overlooked by the run ragged women.

They simply hadn't noticed. Just like Kakashi.

If he had wanted an easy person to blame, he wouldn't get one. The closest he had was Uchiha Itachi for massacring his clan, and creating a shortage of Shinobi when they still hadn't recovered from the loss from the Kyūbi attack. Shinobi who had intended to stay within and around Konoha were increasingly being forced to go back into the field, and shinobi who weren't active any longer were having to don their hitai-ates again- many of them non clan parents, who then had to put their children in day care.

That didn't mean he would leave Subaru with them again for a full day, if he could help it. Whilst he could understand from an objective view why she had been overlooked, he was still her father and that was his child who had suffered the consequences of their mistakes. He wasn't exactly feeling objective about it all.

There was a part of him that doubted, though, whether he could possibly do a better job. Especially when he had learnt more about Subaru in one day from the women, than he had in an entire year. They were the ones who pointed out to him that Subaru's achievements at the age she was, were astounding. He had known, vaguely, that she was smart and learning faster than normal, but he hadn't known enough about 'normal' to really appreciate the differences between her and other children.

He still didn't. He felt he needed a better baseline of knowledge about child care in order to amend and tailor that to suit Subaru's needs. But he didn't have time to learn it with hands on experience, so he went to the only other source that immediately came to mind; books.

He reluctantly left Subaru at day care briefly, in order to do the fastest and most intense shopping spree-cum-research session he'd done since he could remember; children's diets, behavioural problems, first time parenting, discipline, learning difficulties, chakra usage on and around children, how to express himself correctly to a child, play time activities, teaching babies to speak, motivational and supportive learning at home, social and mental development, preparing children for the difficulties of shinobi life. The list went on. He left the crammed full bag at their new home, and made his way as fast as possible back to Subaru.

He allowed Subaru to spend the rest of the day doing what she apparently did best- unwilling to take further steps until he had a better idea of what those steps should be.

He devoured the books, and although he got a much better picture of what a child was supposed to act like, so much of it didn't really resemble her behaviour at all that he had difficulty believing the advice was relevant. Additionally, there were large sections of different books that completely contradicted each other on the best parenting technique- from 'let your kid dictate his own rules and punishments so that he gains a sense of trusting in his own authority and feels respected as a young person', to 'apply a strong sense of discipline and obedience in your child so that from an early age they respect their elders, and correctly respond to those of a higher position, to improve their future performances as shinobi'.

He was almost tempted to write the whole thing off as published guesswork, except that there were some parts that sounded very convincing. He just wasn't sure which parts he was supposed to believe and which were complete rubbish. He felt like he needed a second opinion on this, and initially considered asking Sandaime, but then remembered the Hokage's rocky relationship with his son, and reconsidered.

He completed the books by the next afternoon- truthfully he skimmed sections, but some of it was tedious- and decided that while he came up with a list of reliable sources who had successfully raised functioning and happy members of society to ask about, he would continue down Gai's list of ideas.

There was still a vague idea in his mind that was just as hopeful as it was painful, that it was him personally who was having such a strong effect on Subaru's disconcerting behaviour. If that was the case it was something they would have to find a solution for, but at least the problem was in some ways relatively simple. If not... Kakashi didn't know what he would do, because the only other explanation that came to mind was that it had originated from the way she was born, and there was a chance they wouldn't know what was wrong let alone be able to fix it.

If there was something wrong with Subaru that couldn't be fixed, and she just got worse over time- honestly the thought made his stomach hurt and so he cast it from his mind. He got them ready to go to a park, in the hopes that interaction with children older and more advanced would catch her attention and get her active- perhaps she didn't comprehend what play was properly and needed to see it in action in order to partake.

For some reason, as Kakashi lay a blanket on the ground, he was reminded of the time when he was young, and had rescued a tiny newborn puppy that had been abandoned by it's mother- it had whimpered and whined and his heart had hurt at the sight, so he had bought some milk especially designed for puppies with his father, despite both him and the vet stating that the mother had abandoned it because it wouldn't live for long.

Kakashi'd told them that at least it would be warm, looked after and fed before that happened, so he'd woken up every few hours to feed it, help it do it's business, and held it close as it squeaked and whined whenever it got too far away from his heartbeat.

As the days went by, he knew it would be gone soon, but a part of him couldn't help hope that if he cared enough and did his best, it would live anyway. It lasted five days longer than predicted, and then suddenly grew weak over the space of one night. He held it as it gradually went quieter and stiller, and drank less milk, and then died.

He couldn't help but look at Subaru, and feel like he was watching a far more terrible version of that all over again.

He felt like he had do something to get her to show some life and character, and so he picked her up, and like he saw a mother do across the park, he held Subaru's hands, to prevent her from flopping to the ground until she found her feet, then walked her steadily onto the grass. He crossed his fingers that either the new texture of the dirt and grass would cause a reaction, or otherwise she'd notice the Nara girl who was close to a tree and would be fascinated by another child with superior intelligence.

It seemed like a long shot but it was all he had. He was encouraged by the initial show of stubbornness from her, in her desire to go back to the blanket, and wondered if he kept pushing she would do something more expressive, but to his dismay, she sat down by the tree and didn't move, beyond some tugging of grass.

He went and sat down with his book once more, barely paying it any focus, and instead praying that she did something other than show a willingness to sit there indefinitely. As the time ticked by, Kakashi finally admitted to himself, with a cold block of dread, that he needed to seek professional help. He was out of his depth, and had been for some time.

Just as that thought occurred to him, Subaru unexpectedly stood up, and headed in his direction. She tripped, leading him to wonder for a moment if she would even show pain if she felt it, before he watched her bend over something in her hand that he couldn't see.

Kakashi went over to see what had finally caught his chronically indifferent child's gaze, "what have you got there?"

He did not expect the possibly poisoned senbon sticking through her hand and dripping blood onto the ground to be the sight that she revealed to him. Something in Kakashi viscerally rebelled at the sight of Subaru so injured, and he found himself as taken aback by his own reaction as he was by the sight.

However, the chance of poison having extreme effects on Subaru's tiny infant body jerked Kakashi back into action, and had him pulling her into his grasp as quickly as possible and racing toward the hospital.

He didn't remember what he barked at the receptionist, his adrenaline crashing through his system too hard, but a medic responded immediately. They were bustled into a room, and sat down on the side of a patient bed, with Subaru held tight in his lap, in case she decided to do anything other than stare silently at her bleeding hand.

The medic scanned Subaru's hand for poison, and asked for a succinct summary of events, which he briskly answered as thoroughly as possible, wishing the man would just get the damn thing out of her hand already.

"Hold her tight, I'm about to pull it out in two, one."

The senbon slid smoothly out of her hand, as blood dropped down more rapidly, and Subaru jumped, but did little more in response.

"Is her reaction normal considering her age?" He asked the medic, attempting to open a conversation that he was uncomfortable with, for all its necessity.

The doctor's tone remained smooth and low as he spoke, "I'd say no, not generally. Is this typical of her?" He disinfected her wound as they talked.

"This is her first real injury. In terms of reaction, I'd say it's more than I can usually get from her for anything. I'm... worried. I think there might be something seriously wrong with her."

The words scraped almost unwillingly out of his mouth, but the medic didn't bat an eye as he began to heal Subaru.

"I can refer you to someone who is more versed in children, both in terms of psychology and physiology. If that's what you're looking for. Unfortunately, my speciality is not children and so if you're looking for medication for her, I can't help you."

"No, that's fine. When's the earliest appointment I can get?"

"Dr. Mukai should be able to see you tomorrow morning at 9am. I'll book you in to see her when I've finished in here, after you've left."

"Some key information in her medical files will be classified," Kakashi warned him.

"That shouldn't be a problem. Dr. Mukai has a very high clearance because she has ways of keeping the information she discovers unreachable to even a Yamanaka. If it's in the file at all, she'll be allowed to read it," he replied, and then added amusedly, "perhaps this little one has a future in medical, if the way she's fascinated by my chakra is any indication."

If it had been yesterday, or even earlier that day, Kakashi would have jumped upon Subaru showing that much fascination in anything, however, at the point Kakashi couldn't muster up anything more than weary defeat.

"Aa perhaps she will."

He wanted little more than to go home and curl up with his Icha Icha, blocking out his astounding failures as a parent, so that he could try again tomorrow. In fact, he intended to do just that.

He took Subaru home, holding her a touch tighter than normal, before he placed her on the living room blanket, and hastily made his way back to the park so could he pick their things up, irrationally afraid that if he took her with him she'd somehow manage to hurt herself even worse than before.

It was around five minutes later that the apartment came back into view, while he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. He was still a distance away, when he saw the small shape of Subaru squeeze herself through a gap in the door to the balcony. He sped up, but could do nothing but stare with a horror that blinded him from anything else but her, as he saw her unwaveringly approach the edge.

He felt like his body was moving through thick syrup, unable to move fast enough, unable to change the nightmare scene. And then she fell.

He was still too far away. That didn't matter. He had to do something. Anything. He had to stop this. He pushed himself off the building with chakra, his adrenaline pounding fiercely through him, and an inarticulate noise escaping his throat.

He watched, distanced from himself, as his body was propelled with speed across the space between them. Her body fell sickeningly through the air like a rag doll. She was too close to the ground.

His hand grasped the edge of her outfit, and he harshly yanked her body into him, curling around her to take the brunt of any impact, as his velocity knocked her off course and both of them toward the wall.

A split second before both of them could hit the wall of the building, a strong grip diverted Kakashi's course to the side. His breath whooshed out of him, and he raised his head to see who had prevented them from impact.

"My Eternal Rival, why were you jumping into the side of the building?" Gai's voice gave Kakashi the answer to his unspoken question.

Kakashi's mind was buzzing with white noise, and unable to articulate an answer. A small squeak emitted from his arms, and he quickly unfolded himself to check on Subaru. She had flushed cheeks, she was breathing quickly and looked slightly bedraggled, but other than that she was fine. He exhaled shakily.

"She fell," he didn't know if he was responding to Gai, or if he was saying it to himself. Either way, his voice was weak and strained.

He honestly couldn't have accurately recalled a second of what Gai said next, too busy coming to terms with what had just happened. He thought he thanked Gai for preventing both of them from colliding with a wall, and numbly made his way into his apartment, unable to take his eyes off Subaru.

A frown and grimace creased up her face, but after she made eye contact with him once, she refused to open her eyes. Kakashi didn't know what he was feeling, and merely waited for his heart to stop pounding painfully in his chest.

He vaguely noticed Gai follow him, but didn't acknowledge the fact, leaving him on his sofa to entertain himself.

When he noticed the open door to the balcony, he remembered once more what he had seen, what he had allowed to almost happen through his own stupidity, and silently closed it, his chest squeezing so painfully it was hard to breathe.

He shut himself in their room, sat on the edge of their bed, looking down at his child lying in his lap, and realised that he almost lost his family again. If he had just been a second too late...

My hands are shaking

His breath caught in his throat as he opened his mouth, "Subaru," his words broke and his throat tightened with fear, "Subaru, I don't know if you can understand a word I say. But if you do... please... don't- I can't-"

I can't lose my family again. I can't do that. It will ruin me.

"Why would you do that? Why would you- I know you did that on purpose. I know it."

It wasn't exactly a logical conclusion for most to jump to, but Subaru was not like other children. She didn't just obliviously totter towards an edge and fall off like that. She knew what she was doing.

Emotion gripped Kakashi, and he lay down, curling himself around her, and refusing to let go, lest she disappear. It was so close.

He'd had countless close calls on missions, but none of them had hit him like this did.

What if she tried again? What if she just kept trying? She'd succeed eventually. What had he done to fuck her up this badly?

"I'm sorry. Whatever it was that I did, I'm sorry. But you can't die. I can't let you."

Kakashi trembled slightly, as he remained unmoving, holding his child tightly, with Obito's eye trailing liquid down the left side of his face, and whispered promises to Subaru if only she stayed with him.

There we go. I'm not really sure what else to say about this chapter.

it felt a little crammed to be honest. With Subaru I can get away with half hearted explanations because she doesn't care. But Kakashi notices shit and I feel like I have to include it. Don't know if I really captured his feelings accurately, but eh.

Well either way, things should get better soon.