Chapter 10 - Guilt
Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who keeps reviewing this: it means so much to me. The response to the last chapter blew me away.
This chapter should answer some questions and set things up for what's coming. Oh, and parts of this chapter are M-rated. You've been warned.
And it goes without saying that if it weren't for one Nathalie's constant encouragement, this story would just be an idea that I never put on paper. You're amazing, Nat.
After leaving Donna and Katie downstairs, Harvey had made his way to their room in a daze. While he had managed to keep his mind from tipping into a panic, he knew that the hold on his mental state was tenuous. He assumed that a part of it was his own conscious effort to keep his thoughts from spinning out of his control like Dr. Werner had been training him to.
But he knew that it also had to do with Donna's presence. While his so-called family had turned on him, she'd been right beside him.
Grounding him. Comforting him. Loving him. Hurting with him.
She'd kept a constant hold on him; gripping his hand or looping her fingers into his belt loop under his shirt. He knew that she'd done it for her own benefit, as well. Having already witnessed him in the throes of a panic attack, he knew that she was terrified to have him go through it again.
However, once he'd reached their room, he felt the weight of everything that had just transpired bear heavily down on his mind. He closed the door behind him, leaned wearily against it and shut his eyes against the images invading his mind.
Of being eight years old and coming home, sick, in need of his mother's comfort, and hearing the voice of a man that wasn't his dad's.
Of coming into the garage of his home one evening when his dad had been out on tour with his band, and seeing Lily and Bobby standing too close.
Of Lily chasing after him, using their family as an excuse to stop him from telling his father about it.
Of himself furiously raining punch after punch on his father, as he shattered his father's world and his family in the worst possible way.
When he'd left the kitchen, his immediate instinct had been to find the next flight back to New York and get out of this place. Having to learn that his own brother hadn't trusted him enough and kept such a monumental secret from him had cut him to the quick, and he felt like an outsider who had no place in this family.
On top of that, being told he was selfish in his need for their support - by Bobby, of all people - had made him wish the floor would open up beneath him and swallow him whole. In hindsight, he wondered if he should have chosen to go somewhere else to recuperate. His college friend - the same one who'd recommended his therapist to him - had also offered him his house in the Hamptons.
There was also his private cabin in the Adirondacks, that he hadn't been to for years. It had been an impulse purchase that he'd made with an idea to take his father and brother there for a few nights every year. They'd made plans to go in the year when he was anticipating making Junior Partner. Gordon had told him to call him the second he got the news. Only he never got to make that call.
Both those options, while not impractical, hadn't appealed to him when he'd thought of them. Still reeling from losing Donna, the thought of spending weeks in isolation had left him feeling despondent.
Marcus' words, harsh and cutting, had shattered the feeling he'd first felt when he came here. He was grateful that Katie, like Donna, had seemed to be in his corner. She'd begged him not to leave, and he had to hand it to her. Appealing to his love for Haley and Josh had been enough to reconsider returning to New York.
But even so, how on earth was he supposed to stay here? How was he going to face Marcus again without feeling his own inadequacy as a brother? The guilt that he'd always felt at having left Marcus to deal with the aftermath of their parents' divorce, while he'd escaped to the safety of his job crept under his skin.
Should he have left things unsaid? Allowed Lily to continue seeing Bobby behind his father's back, if it meant keeping his family together? Would Gordon have eventually found out on his own and left Lily anyway? But, what if he found out that he, Harvey, had known all along? Would he have resented him for it?
Harvey swallowed hard; his thoughts were a jumbled mess. He needed clarity again. He thought of waiting for Donna to return to their room; she would, as always, be his compass and push him in the right direction. But, recalling what his therapist had told him about reducing the burden of his emotions on her, he hesitated.
He'd still talk to her - they'd agreed on that - but he knew he also needed to take charge of his own emotional responses. That meant there was only one person he could talk to. Donna had given him 10 minutes to himself. He picked up his phone.
He only had to wait a minute before Dr. Elsie Werner's kind voice came over the line.
"I'm so sorry, Dr. Werner," he began, sheepishness coloring his voice. "These daily calls must be becoming tiresome."
"Harvey, it's not tiresome. As far as I am concerned, the more you feel comfortable talking to me, that's progress. So, tell me, how can I help you?"
"I don't even know where to begin. It just seems like every day throws me a new curveball that sends my mind into a tailspin, and I feel like I'm back to square one all over again."
"I wouldn't say square one," she returned, firmly. "I told you in our last face-to-face meeting that you had made progress. I wouldn't negate all of that over any new challenge that comes your way."
"It still feels like every decision I've made in my life to this point is coming back to bite me. I thought that now that Donna and I made it right between us, things would get easier, but I..."
"Wait, you and Donna made it right?" Dr. Werner's voice had turned eager.
Harvey smiled for the first time since he'd come upstairs, "We did. I told her."
"Harvey, that is so good to hear. That is progress. How do you feel about it?"
"I'm happy. She is happy. We talked for a long time. As it turns out, she was having just as hard a time moving on, and for the same reasons as me."
"I figured as much," Dr. Werner said. "Coming all the way to Boston to see you just after a single day of your absence spoke volumes. So, if this call isn't about Donna, then this is about your mother."
"How did you..?"
"When you first came to me, I told you that Donna's leaving was merely a tipping-point and not an actual cause for your spiral. Your love for her and her presence in your life were the only things that you'd counted on to be constant and were in direct contrast to what you'd experienced before you met her. And so when she left you, you were served a one-two punch - a broken heart and abandonment. The latter is something that is a result of your mother's actions, which you haven't dealt with."
"I think you mean betrayal," Harvey replied.
"In your mother's case, the betrayal is a result of the abandonment," Dr. Werner corrected him.
"Wait, are you saying my father abandoned me? Because, no offense, but that is just a load of malarkey."
"Is it?"
Dr. Werner's voice had that undertone that Harvey sometimes hated; the one where it seemed like she knew more than she was letting on. As a lawyer, he'd be trained to listen for nuances in speech and body language, but Dr. Werner was unreadable even for someone like him. He bet that even Donna - with her all-knowing intuition - might find her a challenge. He knew it came with her job, but man, did it make him feel disconcerted.
But what she was suggesting - that his Dad also had a part to play in his issues? That was news. Gordon had been oblivious to his wife's cheating, but when had he abandoned his family?
After a beat of silence from him, Dr. Werner inquired, "Harvey? Why don't you start first with what happened?"
His mind was still exploding with questions, but Harvey reined them in. As he related the situation, he felt the tension inside him ease a little.
Dr. Werner didn't reply immediately, and Harvey assumed she was making a note in her notepad. She then spoke, "Under the circumstances, Harvey, your reactions to everything that transpired with your brother and your mother's husband were only natural. It's true that - what was his name? - Bobby's reactions were definitely uncalled for and perhaps, speak to a lack of self-awareness. But, maybe, there's a case to be made in your brother's favor seeing as he was coming from a place of unawareness."
"I'm his brother. Regardless of what he knew or didn't know, how is that OK?"
"I didn't say it was OK. Keeping it from you was misguided. I was pointing out that his actions are a result of his own perception."
"What was there to perceive?" Harvey asked, annoyance raking his tone. "He knows Lily and Bobby were doing what they did…"
"True, but he's also the one who witnessed what happened after you left. Your father moved on and accepted what had happened, and so did your brother. Your brother's, and I daresay, your father's experiences don't carry the same weight as yours did. You were the only one with the burden of that painful secret. A burden which, even after the secret was out, that you've continued to carry on your own. And I'd like you to tell me why."
Harvey felt his throat tighten, "Why? It was bad enough that I had to break my father's heart. I didn't want to hurt Marcus, as well. He already resented me for telling Dad about what had happened all those years back."
"He made you think that it was your actions that broke the family up?"
"He did, and he was right. I had assumed I had done the right thing by telling Dad because I was so angry with Lily. But, Dad was also looking forward to finally being a family, and I took that away from him. From Marcus."
Nobody's happy about what you did, except you.
You get to go back to law school, and you're gonna pass the bar, and you're gonna go live your big hotshot life, and I'm gonna be stuck here on my own.
Marcus' angry words all those years ago - after Harvey had revealed Lily's infidelity - came back to him, and Harvey felt his chest tighten even more.
He hadn't gone back to see them. He had left Marcus and his father alone to deal with the destruction of his own actions.
You're the same childish, self-absorbed man who stayed away from his family when they needed him.
Was Lily right about him?
"Harvey? Where did you go?" Dr. Werner's voice broke into his thoughts.
He shook himself, "Just considering what my mother said to me about being self-absorbed."
Dr. Werner made a startled noise, "Why would you think that?"
"Because she wasn't wrong. I never went back after that. I moved out of the house and got a place in the city. I met Donna soon after, and she was the one who took care of anything they needed from me."
Dr. Werner said, gently, "Harvey, you've been feeling guilty and responsible for circumstances that weren't of your own making. You had expectations placed on you that shouldn't have been, by your whole family. Including your father."
This was the second time Dr. Werner had implicated his father, and Harvey found himself bristling, "My father was a good man, he didn't do anything wrong. His only mistake - if we could call it that - was being too trusting of people who didn't deserve it."
Dr. Werner sighed, "I'm not implying that your father was a bad person, Harvey. You're right that he was the one who was being deceived. But you need to also consider the fact that the fact that he wanted to finally be together as a family was a result of his own realization that he had been largely absent from your lives."
"He had his band. He was out there making a living for us, while his own wife…"
"Was left by herself to deal with their family. Now, I'm not saying that it excuses her actions, but it was a factor. She would have felt the need for adult companionship in your father's absence. That it morphed into infidelity is her mistake."
"Exactly. I still don't see how my father is to blame."
"Harvey, consider for one moment that your father had not been as absent as he was. Would things have been different?"
If his father had been home as often as he should have, would his mother have even cheated?
He scoffed at that.
Of course, she would have.
"If you're implying that she wouldn't have cheated," he said, responding to her question. "I doubt that. They didn't exactly stop just because Dad was around."
"You can't really know that, but then that wasn't what I was referring to. But let's say that Lily still did what she did, would your father have found out sooner?"
How can you not see what is going on under your nose in your own goddamn house?
He'd been furious at his father's obliviousness.
But, now…
"I was so angry with him for being so ignorant," he recalled. "But, of course, he could not have known because he just wasn't ever there," he choked out. "If he had been, he'd have known sooner."
"And?" Dr. Werner prompted. "What might that have meant for you?"
I told her to stop, but I shouldn't have had to. It shouldn't have been me.
It'swhat he'd told his father. But had Gordon been around more…
"It might not have been me to see all of that."
"Yes. At the very least, your mother might have been less tempted to cheat on him in your own home."
His father being absent had inadvertently left him in a vulnerable position which had been exploited by both Lily and Bobby. His father should have been around to protect him.
He glanced at his watch. 15 minutes had gone by. He knew Donna would come for him soon.
"I should let you go," he said with an apologetic chuckle. "I must be keeping you from your other patients."
"Harvey, you aren't. But listen to me, if you want to be able to make peace with your brother, and more importantly, yourself, you need to stop harboring guilt for things that are out of your control."
"But I did let Marcus down."
"I wouldn't say that. Could you have handled the situation after your parents' split differently? Definitely. Not going to see your family out of a sense of guilt was not ideal. But given everything that you've told me, it wasn't just guilt that kept you from seeing them."
"It wasn't?"
"No, you were also afraid."
"Afraid? Of what?"
"That what your brother said was true. You were afraid that if you'd continued to stay or if you'd gone back to see them, you'd have done them even more harm. Staying away was easier. Both your guilt and fear are consequences of what your mother, brother, and even your father made you believe. You need to accept that."
Harvey took a deep breath. He felt the guilt that he'd been trying to grapple with since he'd left the kitchen loosen its hold. He and Marcus had a lot to talk about.
Dr. Werner must have sensed his thoughts, because she said, "Talk to your brother, Harvey. His actions and his words have had a profound effect on everything that happened. He owes you some answers, as do you him."
"I will," Harvey agreed. "Thank you, Dr. Werner."
"Don't hesitate to call again, if you need it, Harvey. I'm at your disposal."
He had barely hung up when a single knock sounded on the door, and Donna's head peeked in.
As she neared their room, the strains of Harvey's voice reached her ears. He was clearly on the phone, and Donna felt her curiosity rise. She'd evidently caught him at the end of the conversation, though, because she heard the dull thunk of his phone on the side table.
Figuring it was alright to go in, she knocked once before pushing the door open.
"Hey," he said, raising his head to look at her.
Donna stared at him for a moment. She'd expected to find him brooding over what had happened downstairs, as he was wont to do when things became difficult. But instead, his face seemed clear and relaxed, and his voice sounded normal.
"Hey," she returned, rounding the bed to where he was sitting. "How are you feeling?"
Harvey gave her a soft smile, before reaching for her hand and pulling her to stand between his legs. She continued to gaze anxiously into his face, while her hands settled on his shoulders.
"I'm… OK," he said, squeezing her waist. He looked closely at her and she saw concern break out on his expression. "Are you OK?"
"I am," she said.
"Donna, your eyes are red. You've been crying. Did Marcus… Bobby…?"
"No. No, Harvey. They didn't do anything. Well, anything else after you left," she said. "But, I may or may not have had a few words for them."
His eyes widened. "Those must have been more than just a few words. You gave me 10 minutes, but you were down there for close to 20."
She shrugged, "They were all out of line. I wasn't about to let them off that easily."
"I love you," he said, gratitude coloring his voice. "Thank you for looking out for me."
"Always, Harvey. But what about you? What did you do in that time? You look better than I thought you would, considering."
"I used the time to fit some therapy in. I needed to gain some clarity."
That was news.
"You've been talking to a therapist?" she asked, unable to keep the surprise from her voice.
He frowned slightly. "Yes. I started seeing one for my panic attacks. She's been helping me work through a lot of my issues over these past few weeks. I thought you knew."
"Of course, I knew," she said quickly. "I mean, I didn't realize you were going to call her now."
Harvey didn't answer immediately but continued to gaze at her curiously. Donna felt herself turning red under her boyfriend's gaze, and she slid her gaze from his face down to her hands which were fiddling restlessly with the collar of his shirt.
Her breath hitched, however, when he reached up and took one of her hands, and she looked back at his face which was breaking into a slow smile.
"You're jealous," he said, breaking into a full grin.
She scoffed, and pushed against his shoulder. "I'm not. I'm happy for you, Harvey. I'm glad you had someone to talk to."
He pulled her down to sit on his leg, looping his right hand around her waist to steady her. "But?"
She sighed, and placed her arm around his neck for support, her fingers coming to rest on the top of his collar. She plucked nervously at it, before meeting his gaze.
"It's just that I realized how out of your loop I have been. I mean, of course, it only makes sense that you'd have been seeing someone for your panic attacks. I know it was my decision to leave, but I guess, I wasn't prepared for the new status quo. One where you no longer came to me for help with things like these even though I was the one who told you you couldn't anymore."
He smiled sadly, placing his other hand on her thigh and squeezing it. "I wasn't, either. To tell you the truth, I never thought I needed therapy. I first sought Dr. Werner out because I needed a prescription for anti-anxiety pills. I just wanted the attacks to stop, and I knew the pills would help. My old friend, Nathan Price - remember, you met him and his wife…"
"At the charity benefit for Stable Shelters, I remember." Donna nodded.
She'd liked Nathan; he'd seemed genuine in his affection for Harvey.
Harvey smiled, "Right. Anyway, he recommended Dr. Elsie Werner to me. I think he sensed that I needed more than just pills."
"You told him about what happened?"
"Not in great detail, no. But I guess he sensed it had to do with you."
"How?" she asked.
He smiled and pulled her down for a soft kiss, "I think everyone - anyone - who's seen us together has always assumed that there was more between us than we let on. After you left the benefit that night, Nathan asked me about you. He was surprised when I told him we were just friends."
Donna pursed her lips at how incongruous that word - friends - seemed. It was almost offensive to her, now that she and Harvey were together. He was never just her friend. He was the love of her life.
Harvey went on, "Anyway, Dr. Werner had helped him deal with a lot of his issues - his fear of having kids, for one - and he was all the better for it. They have a son now and another on the way. He must have known that I needed the same kind of help, but he didn't let on. Instead, he allowed me to believe that Dr. Werner would give me the right meds and send me on my way."
"But?"
"But that man is a wily bastard," Harvey said, chuckling. "He knew what he was doing, because Dr. Werner did give me the pills. But only on the condition that I spend an hour with her, every other day to talk."
"Oooh," Donna grinned at his bewildered expression. "I know how allergic you are to talking. Poor baby."
He glared at her and tweaked her side. She squeaked and wiggled her ass over his thigh in response, which only brought her own thigh closer to his crotch.
She grinned as his gaze dropped to her leg and she saw his jaw clench as he swallowed.
Ha!
It was her turn to swallow, however, when his hand on her thigh slipped under the loose hem of her dress, She felt his fingertips tighten on her skin, while the tip of his thumb came to rest dangerously close to her inner thigh. Seeing the smirk in the corner of her eye, she rolled her eyes. She reached for the offending hand, intertwined her own fingers with his. With the distraction momentarily averted, Donna prompted him to continue, smiling slightly at his disappointed look.
"I was initially very resistant to her questions, but she didn't let up. She pried and prodded, and I eventually gave in, focused only on the end goal of getting what I wanted."
"The pills."
"Yes. But I don't know how it happened. In time, I realized that I actually wanted to talk. You know me, Donna. I'm an analytical person. With every session, I found myself realizing that the more I talked, the more I was able to make sense of what had happened. Between us, mainly."
Donna smiled nervously, her mind immediately wondering at what Harvey had said about her, and what impression the good doctor had of her.
Her question must have been plain to see on her face, because Harvey pulled their joined hands to his lips in a reassuring kiss, before saying, "I felt angry and betrayed when you went to work for Louis, you know this. And those initial sessions were the toughest, because I was hurting and I didn't know what to make of your actions, and my words reflected that. But, even then, I couldn't bring myself to talk badly of you. I could only tell her how much I'd come to depend on you and how much I missed you."
Donna took a deep breath, and looked at him, her thumb rubbing nervous circles into the back of his hand.
"You told her about that night in my apartment?"
"Eventually," he confirmed. "I mean, I had to. She saw immediately through everything I said, though. The day before I left for Boston, she cut straight to the heart of what happened that night. But, since your feelings were still unknown - for me, not as much for her, I think - she wanted me to take this time to come to terms with it. I didn't want to go, at first. Jessica needed me; Mike needed me. But then, I saw you and Louis outside the firm, hugging. And that's when I knew I had to go."
Louis.
She sighed, as yet another thought occurred to her, "About Louis, Harvey, when we go back…"
"I know. You'll still be working for him," he said, his eyes filled with understanding.
She swallowed hard, regret pooling low in her stomach, "Yes. I can't leave him and risk him using it against you, again. Believe me, I want to come back to you and I have wanted to since the day I left, actually. Saying no to you was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But in my determination to try and move on, I made a commitment that I wouldn't leave him…"
"Donna, I get it. I promise, I do. I will always miss us working together, but this," he indicated the two of them, "is everything. We get to be together in all the ways that truly matter. I know that now. Besides, like I told you, I was never going to…"
"Force me to work for you," she cupped his cheek. "I know. I love you so much."
She pressed her lips to his in a grateful kiss, that soon grew in intensity when Harvey parted his mouth under hers. Her tongue slipped in between his lips, and twin moans escaped both of them as their tongues met.
Donna untangled her fingers from his, and turned more into his embrace, her left knee now pressing more firmly in between his legs. He gently nudged her off his knee, making her rise slightly, before closing his legs and using them to part hers. He slipped both his legs in between hers, effectively making her straddle him and she gasped as he pulled her to him. She raised both her knees on to the bed, encircling his waist with her legs, as his hands slipped under her bottom to press her closer.
"Comfy?" he asked, teasingly, once she had settled in his embrace.
"Much," she agreed, before raking her fingers through his hair, and before gripping at the strands to pull him to her again.
It had been a few long hours since she'd had him inside her, and Donna felt the heat lick at her core as their lips moved together. She ground her hips down into him in an attempt to find just the right spot that afforded her the most friction.
She groaned in appreciation when Harvey, sensing her need, slipped his hand over her outer thigh, and gripped the hem of her dress. Bunching it in his fists, he dragged the fabric up until his fingers brushed the sides of her underwear, and he dropped the fabric in favor of slipping his fingers under her panties so that he was cupping her bare ass.
He pulled her further so that the front of her underwear now brushed against the burgeoning bulge in his pants, and Donna tightened her grip on him as she felt him hit her exactly where she wanted him. Forcing her eyes to stay on him, Donna reveled in the way his eyes had turned jet black with arousal. She pressed down again, a loud moan escaping her as the movement sent a jolt of electricity sparking straight through her.
"Harvey," her voice was a prayer and a plea. For what she couldn't quite understand until she felt him move one of his hands from under her bottom to her side, and then encircle the top of her thigh. It was a testament to how big his hands were, when she felt the edge of his thumb brush against her mound before slipping down to brush lightly at her engorged bud of nerves.
"Donna," he rasped in response, "Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? Feeling you so wet and seeing your face so flushed."
He increased the pressure on her clit, and combined with the way his voice rumbled through her, Donna felt her toes curl against the soft satin of the flat sandals she was still wearing.
She must have let out a noise of irritation at the feeling, because she felt Harvey move both his hands from under her dress. He silenced her protest at the loss of his thumb against her with a gentle kiss, while he ran his hands down the exposed backs of her calves, before gently sliding the straps of the sandals off her feet. He ran his fingers lightly against the back of her soles - the ticklishness making her grind against him again.
Donna felt him groan against her lips, and he quickly moved his hands back to their previous position. She hummed her approval when his thumb slipped back under the front of her underwear this time, and honed in on her clit again.
"You could just take the panties off, you know," she told him, as she started to move against his fingers.
"I could," he said, swiping his tongue against the seam of her lips. "But I want to see you come like this. Fully clothed, while I ravish you under them."
Oh god.
She threw her head back and closed her eyes against the building tension sparking between his fingers against her center.
"You're so beautiful, Donna," he said, moving his lips to trace down the exposed column of her throat. "So beautiful."
When he reached the low V-neckline of her dress, he used his nose to gently nudge one side of the dress to the side, exposing the swell of her left breast to his gaze. She saw him swallow.
Her dress hadn't necessitated a bra.
He nipped gently at the top of her breast, and Donna let out a soft yelp. His tongue slipped out to soothe her, before his lips moved further down, pushing the fabric even further to reveal a taut, pink nipple. He swiped his tongue lazily against it, before closing his lips around it.
Donna's hands tightened in his hair, and she felt him exhale sharply - his breath warm against her wet nipple. He looked up at her from under his lashes, and Donna felt the intensity of his gaze pull her closer to his face. She pressed a fevered kiss on his forehead before allowing him to return to what he was doing.
As his lips suckled and tugged on her nipple, his hand under her dress had slipped from her clit down to her folds. She felt him part them with his index finger, before reaching the top of her entrance. She felt herself grow even wetter as he lightly teased at the skin without entering her.
She let out a growl and she felt him smile against her breast, before he looked back up at her to catch her gaze. And when she did, she felt two fingers finally slip inside her. She parted her legs further around his waist, the movement pulling her even closer to him, while his fingers slipped deeper inside.
"Oh god, Donna, I love you so much" he said, as he began to gently stroke into her. And as he did, Donna watched his eyes fill - a light sheen of wetness covered his eyes. Donna felt her heart stutter in her chest at that.
The way he was looking at her.
She'd been with men who had been skilled with their hands - and yes, Harvey eclipsed them all easily. No question.
But god, she'd never known a man who could make love to her with just his eyes. Until Harvey.
His dark brown gaze had always held the answers to his real feelings, even when his mouth couldn't express them. During her time working for him, it had helped her gauge his real thoughts before responding to them in the way he needed her to.
But, right here, now, his gaze held so much more than he'd previously let her see. She lost herself in the way his gaze softened when he told her loved her. She felt her skin sizzle from sparks that flickered in his eyes when he hit her sweet spot with his fingers. She felt her insides quiver when his gaze turned hooded against the flutter of her muscles around his fingers.
With each gentle stroke against her, she felt her love for him billow in her chest. Buffeting her, pushing her closer and closer to the edge. She willed him to increase the pace of his fingers, and he did. She felt his thumb push more firmly against her over-strained center, while his fingers slowly increased their pace inside her.
Donna braced herself against him, her lips finding purchase in the space between his shirt collar and neck. His scent hit her nostrils and she lost all sense of her surroundings.
All she was aware of was Harvey.
Loving her.
Holding her.
Touching her.
She tightened her grip on his shoulders, and before long, she felt her world explode into a state of blissful oblivion. She sobbed his name into his neck, and his own grip tightened on her, as his fingers slipped out from inside her and began to run soothingly across her folds to ease her down.
After her breathing had returned to normal, he slipped his hand from under her panties and rested it low on her back.
"That was perfect," he rumbled into her ear. "You're perfect."
She pressed a kiss into his neck, and pulled away a little to look at him, "I didn't do anything." She dragged her gaze deliberately down between them. "Yet."
Harvey gave a low chuckle, "That's not what I meant, and you know it. I've always wanted to know what it would be like to make you come apart under your dresses."
"Not out of them?" she asked, teasingly.
"That, too," he conceded. "But your dresses always drove me insane. In moments where I thought about us like this, I used to imagine you dressed that way for me."
"Sometimes, I did," she said, making to slip off his legs but his arms stopped her.
"Donna."
"What? As if you weren't doing the same thing?" she extricated herself from his grip and knelt down in between his legs. "Seeing you in those three-piece suits? Please. You know what those did to me."
He grinned down at her, "Guilty."
She smiled back at him, before reaching for the clasp of his trousers.
The atmosphere downstairs, however, had a different kind of tension. Donna's anger and Harvey's sadness had cast a cloud of disquiet in the room.
Katie stood, leaning against the kitchen counter. She'd listened to Donna's passionate defence of Harvey with admiration and horror.
Katie had liked Donna instantly - the woman's vivacious personality and obvious love for Harvey had been the first things that had struck her. She'd thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her the previous evening. And seeing her usually shy seven-year-old gravitate to Donna so easily had warmed her heart.
By the time the evening had ended, Katie had known that Donna was irrevocably a part of the family. She was here to stay. Harvey was going to marry her before the year was out. She just knew.
She'd met Harvey only a handful of times , usually in New York and the one or two times that he'd been here. During all those times, she'd been struck by the way that he'd cared for his brother. Something that she knew Marcus took for granted.
She'd been dating Marcus for over a year, when he'd decided to start his new restaurant. She knew he'd intended on asking Harvey for the money. When he'd returned from seeing Harvey, he'd been angry that Harvey had been unwilling to give him the $150,000 he'd needed.
Katie had tried to reason with him, understanding that that kind of money was well above what Harvey could afford then. And she'd been dismayed to learn that Marcus had used his brother's guilt over their family to force him into giving him what he needed. They'd had one of their biggest rows over that; Katie hadn't been able to condone what he'd done.
So, when Marcus received a check for exactly that amount with Harvey's name on it, she'd grown alarmed. Something about that hadn't seemed right - it wasn't that she doubted that Harvey would come through for Marcus, but it was that she knew that Harvey would do anything for Marcus. Including putting himself at risk. And so, while Marcus and his family celebrated the upcoming launch of the restaurant, Katie had slipped out of the room, determined to figure out what he'd done.
Katie had called Harvey; he'd been reluctant and cagey at first, unwilling to let her know what had happened. But, she eventually got it out of him. The way Harvey had run from pillar to post trying to get the money, the trap that Forstman had set for him and the fact that the money that Marcus had was a sword that would dangle over Harvey's head for years to come. He'd begged her not to tell Marcus about it, and she'd promised.
It was also why she'd been so upset at the way Marcus had been determined to keep Harvey out when he'd fallen sick. Her husband just didn't seem to realize that his loyalty to his mother and Bobby - Katie had never fully warmed up to the latter - was largely misplaced. Instead, he seemed determined to continue blaming Harvey for doing the right thing, often using his guilt against him like he had done today.
But even she hadn't known just how much heartache Harvey had gone through because of his mother.
He'd been eight years old.
Her heart cracked. No one should have been forced to grow up that soon.
She watched as Bobby and Marcus merely stood silently in their spots. After a beat, Bobby decided to leave, mumbling something about needing to talk to Lily.
Katie rolled her eyes.
Whatever, asshole.
She waited as Marcus saw him off, and when he returned, he stopped in the middle of the room.
The tension between them was thick, and Katie needed to get out of there.
"Katie," Marcus had followed her out of the room. "Wait."
"I really don't think there's much left to say, Marcus," she said, rounding on him. "I've been saying for a long time that your treatment of your brother was shitty. And that your loyalty to Bobby and Lily - regardless of who they are - over Harvey was a gross mistake."
"I didn't know," he said.
"You mean you never bothered to find out. No, it was just easier for you to assume that he did it to hurt you. Besides, he's your brother. Does it matter how long he knew? The point is he knew and was forced to carry it for both your sake and your father's. And when he finally couldn't do it anymore, you blamed him for breaking up a family that was already broken."
"Our dad needed us to be together!" Marcus said, stubbornly. "What good was telling him about mom going to do?"
"Wow. Let's sail right over the fact that it was hurting Harvey. It had to be eating away at him every time he saw Bobby in the house, pretending to be Gordon's friend. And your dad was a kind, unassuming man who was being cuckolded in his own home. Did you want your brother to continue a charade just because poor little Marcus needed to keep the illusion of a happy family going? It doesn't work that way!"
"Katie."
"No. Your brother loves you. You have no idea how much, Marcus. Despite how you continue to treat him, he's still the one who'd do anything for you. Because he knows what the family's split did to you, and you've never once let up on making him feel guilty about it. And the only reason he's not already packing his bags to leave is because he also loves our kids. You're the one that's kept him from knowing them because you didn't want to have him and Lily in the same room together. You keep choosing two people who hurt your brother over him."
Marcus didn't reply, and Katie sighed, her energy sapped from the day's events. She took a step closer to her husband, and said gently.
"What you did today, Marcus, was hurt a good man. A man, who despite everything he's gone through in this place, still considered this house the one where he could be happy. You just shattered that notion for him. If it weren't for Donna coming here and them finding each other, you'd have hurt your brother in a way that would be very hard to come back from. He's family, and you just made him feel that he never was. He didn't deserve that."
She saw Marcus swallow hard, but she wasn't done.
"If you can't find it in yourself to think about everything that's happened, and then apologize to him, you'll lose him for good. And this time, it'll be you that's breaking up the family, for real."
Author's Notes: Hope you liked it. As always, please let me know what you thought.
Reviewers get to be a hapless intern being interviewed for a position in the firm: you get to choose who interviews you, though. Harvey, Donna or both.