Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs

hey, I had a few days break to make sure I didn't burn out my creativity and drive for this story, as well as catch up on all the shit I've been neglecting, but I've finally cracked out the next one.

Probably a couple more chapters and then another time skip type chapter.

So just a warning, I had a school friends reunion last night and got a bit drunk. Unfortunately I can't sleep when I'm not sober, so I tapped this chapter out whilst waiting for that happen.

It's pretty pointless for me to edit this when not sober, so I'm not going to try. Zero editing done at all

Also, my brilliant not sober mind figured out how to end this story! Yay! I have absolutely no idea how to get there and it doesn't really matter, because only three characters need to be alive to make it happen, so anything could occur before then.

Thank you guys so much for all the amazing reviews, and the favourites and follows! As always, let me know what works and what doesn't work for you, as well as any prompts for scenes you wanna see I'll do my best to fit them in somewhere.

Chapter 11 - Uncomfortable Revelations

Kakashi lay wide awake, having shifted onto his back, with Subaru curled up on his front. He had never felt so physically close to her, but he wasn't ready to let her go yet after the traumatic events of that afternoon.

He thought he'd go mad running what she had done, and what had almost happened through his mind. All of the questions without answers he had tortured him, and so he quickly stopped thinking about it at all. He'd need time for it to sink in, and for him to really know how he felt about this day. He wasn't sure whether to be angry, or sad, or guilty or... what.

Instead he ruminated on what had happened afterward. He felt undeniably scraped hollow from the inside and simultaneously lighter, as well as more vulnerable than he allowed himself to be in years, thanks to the loss of control over his emotions.

He quenched the immediate pang of embarrassment, and reminded himself that Obito, who he held in the highest regard, had cried all the time. No, what he concerned himself with, was the fact that in the depths of his pain he had extended a metaphorical hand out to Subaru- and she had reached back.

What did she mean with her actions? He had no frame of reference for her behaviour. It was so outside anything he knew from her, which was that anything she did was motivated by her own immediate desires. But when she had placed her soft hand on his cheek and smoothed away the liquid on his face, there had been no indication she had wanted anything from him, and yet when he had looked at her, she had been almost as emotionless and tired as she ever was. But it was the most human he had seen of her since she had stopped crying right at the beginning of her life.

Then of course, the shocker of the moment occurred, when she spoke to him. He didn't know what to think about that. That was an undeniable word (words?) that had come out of her mouth; too well formed and concise to be anything but, however it hadn't meant anything. It didn't even sound recognisable.

He thought he identified the sounds used, but they were wielded in such a foreign manner that he couldn't be sure- like words bitten off half way through, and with a completely unfamiliar intonation.

He had no idea where she had learned to speak like that- the most obvious answer was in day care, but he extensively questioned the women there and they had included nothing that would teach Subaru that. Unless somehow, at some point, Subaru had received stimulation from someone or somewhere that had exposed her to some sort of language, and perhaps had also impacted her negatively to the point that she was now the too quiet, too tired, too uninterested child that she now was.

It was all just speculation though. It could also be one of many strange results from her altered brain.

He wanted to interpret her actions as a sign that she had heard his words and they had impacted her enough to react to them- in fact it was how he had initially interpreted them, and had been indescribably relieved to get anything from her. Now though, lying back and with nothing to do but think, doubts crept in. After all, what did he really know about her?

The signs were there if he looked, that she clearly had an established personality, with likes and dislikes and desires. Yes, there was something terribly wrong with her, but that didn't detract from the fact that she was a person. A person he barely knew, for all that he... cared about her. Until he knew her better, he couldn't say for certain what her motivations for her actions were.

Although, that wouldn't stop him from hoping that his first assumption was correct.

He spent the next hour carefully not thinking about certain sections of the day so far, compartmentalising the tangled ball of thoughts and feelings into a corner of his mind that he could sort through when he was alone. Much later.

Eventually, Subaru stirred, and he knew she was awake. She slept like the dead until she woke up, as though her body needed every minute it could get in order to function. He always knew she was awake, because she would wriggle slightly, then yawn and stretch, before often settling back down without even opening her eyes until she needed something. She did the same thing as he watched her, and with a small purse of his lips as the only sign to indicate how much of a challenge he found facing active parenting once more, he held her to him more firmly, and slid off the bed.

Silently padding down the short hallway, and into the main room, Kakashi was taken aback by the smell of food saturating the place. His eyes shot to the kitchen, where Gai was putting together a delicious smelling rice dish.

He had completely forgotten the man had followed him into his home, where he had been left by the sofa. It was a blur, after Kakashi had caught Subaru, and he could only vaguely remember the details now. He must have been more distracted by his internal dialogue more than he thought, of Gai had managed to be moving around his kitchen and putting a meal together, without him realising it.

Gai, of course, knew the moment he stepped into the room, and looked up with his great beaming grin, "Kakashi! How is your beautiful blossom?"

Kakashi slanted a brief glance toward Subaru, who had tucked her face against his shoulder, with glazed half lidded eyes.

"Same as ever."

For anyone who didn't know Gai as well as Kakashi did, the shimmer of understanding and the unspoken words that lay between them would have gone entirely unnoticed, fooled by the unchanging, genuine smile on his face.

"Is that so! Well, as a thank you for inviting me into your new home, I thought I would make you both some food, to help replenish your Youth!"

Right. Lunch. That was a thing that happened every day, regardless of Kakashi's personal troubles. He was thankful that Gai had taken the liberty of cooking them something, since it hadn't occurred to Kakashi that it was still needed.

"Aa, thank you Gai," he replied with an eye smile. When he spied the small bowl placed aside, with a small portion of simple rice, steamed vegetables cut up, and salmon, he felt something in his chest jolt and found himself adding without conscious permission, "you can come by more often if you'd like, since you did at least half the work on the apartment."

Dear kami, why did he say that. He could just imagine it now; Gai waking him up at all kinds of ridiculous hours to challenge him, and be his usual gregarious self, the second he thought he had a moment's peace and quiet.

Nevertheless, he wouldn't take it back now that he'd said it. He could admit to himself that he would have been ten times more lost, and out of his depth if he hadn't had Gai encouraging him with Subaru. A tiny expression flickered across Gai's face, before he puffed out his chest with pride, and dramatic tears sprung to his eyes.

"KAKASHI! I WILL HONOUR THIS TRUST YOU HAVE PLACED IN ME, AND PROTECT YOUR BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOM WITH THE POWER OF YOUTH, AS MY POSITION DEMANDS!"

Kakashi tilted his head in mild confusion, "your position?"

"As your most Youthful best friend and Eternal Rival, and thus Subaru's Godfather! I will help to nurture the Flames of Youth in this delicate Blossom, so long as I live, and if fail I will run one hundred miles on my fingertips, and I fail I will run a thousand miles on my pinky fingers..."

As Gai poured tears, and waxed lyrical about numerous challenges, Kakashi largely ignored him, and grabbed two bowls.

"I'm fairly sure that's not how Godparents are chosen," he muttered to Subaru, casting a withering look in Gai's direction. However, there was no taking it back now and convincing Gai otherwise. He would simply to do more and more extreme things to convince Kakashi that he was worthy of the title.

Whilst it could be mildly amusing to watch, and it would be interesting to see if Gai's challenges would get a reaction from Subaru, who hadn't even bothered turning her eyes in the taijutsu master's direction, he wasn't sure if Gai's... Gai-ness would simply cause Subaru to withdraw, if she was faced with such a large and concentrated dose straight away.

Kakashi placed Subaru down by the table, and sat next to her, with a spoon by her bowl. Keeping half an eye on her, he quietly gave thanks and dug into the food. With Gai still making ridiculous proclamations, and Subaru looking unenthusiastically at her food, he allowed himself to take his time a little, safe in the knowledge that no one was watching.

It still didn't take long, since he was used to eating at a much faster pace when in public, and he quickly realised that she hadn't touched her food. Concerned, he leaned toward her, "Subaru-chan?"

She didn't show any sign of having heard him at first, but before he had time to do anything, she blew out a small breath, and without looking at him, got onto her hand and knees.

He watched her with trepidation and curiosity, his eye widening when she place her hand on his leg, and began to crawl onto his lap.

He lifted his arms so that they wouldn't obstruct her progress, and supported her as her balance wobbled slightly. She settled her back against him and then a word emitted from her. There was what slightly resembled an 'r' and a 'd' sound in there somewhere, but he couldn't begin to fathom what it had meant.

He hesitated, as she sat in his lap, unsure of what she was looking for from him. Kakashi saw a tiny hint of impatience line Subaru's features, before she took hold of Kakashi's right sleeve in her small grip, and tugged his arm. Intrigued, he allowed her to manoeuvre his limb, until it reached Subaru's spoon, which he obediently took hold of. With what looked like some careful finagling of her own limbs, she managed to pull his arm back and toward her face, at which point she leaned forward and touched her lips to it. She repeated the alien 'r' 'd' sound, and the leaned back, looking far more tired than before.

It took a second for the message to sink in, and Kakashi's heart caught in his chest. Subaru was more than capable of feeding herself. The day care women had clearly stated that the girl was almost aggressively possessive of any inch of independence she gained. Subaru seemed to be asking him to feed her.

He was sure many parents would be encouraging Subaru not to become dependant if she could already do something herself, but this was different. This was further evidence that she was trying to connect with him. The hint of hope grew just a touch stronger.

Subaru had just over an hour ago purposefully fallen off of a balcony, and there was no way he was turning down the option to bond with her over something that she was asking of him.

Carefully removing his nerves from showing, Kakashi pulled the small bowl toward him, and small mouthful by mouthful, fed the girl. She dutifully swallowed each spoonful, and even when they reached the point that she showed reluctance to eat more, he found that as long as he held food to her mouth, she would continue to accept it.

For the first time since he had bottle fed her, despite the prolonged amount of time it took, Subaru finished a meal. He saw the spoon scrape the bottom of the bowl with an absurd level of satisfaction, followed by a quickly suppressed wave of nearly overwhelming relief.

The moment Kakashi put the spoon down, he noticed that Subaru seemed to sag in on herself, as though merely the act of eating had exhausted her. He felt himself visibly soften as she yawned, donning the same half lidded unfocused look as ever, and shuffled around in her spot, until she could lay her head just above his knee, and retreated back into whatever mental world nearly constantly held her attention.

Suddenly realising it had been suspiciously quiet for a while, Kakashi's eyes quickly found Gai. The man was frozen in a ridiculous pose, that had clearly been chosen to express how touched he was, with tears streaming down his face, and a camera in his hand which Kakashi had no idea where he kept on him, and didn't particularly want to find out.

He momentarily considered tackling the Godfather issue, but easily decided to leave it. He understood what Gai was telling him with that statement; if anything ever happened to Kakashi, Gai would be there to raise Subaru. If it was any other kid, Kakashi would have nightmarish images of his child growing up wearing green spandex and orange leg warmers, however he was fairly sure that being dressed like that was one of the few things that would motivate Subaru to do something- and that something would probably be along the lines of desecrating the cursed items.

Kakashi would never tell Gai he thought so, but if there was one person Kakashi trusted to go above and beyond his duties as Godfather it would be the taijutsu expert. If Kakashi died, Gai would never allow Subaru to be another case like Naruto. Truthfully, if Kakashi had to bet on a battle of wills against Gai and the Hokage, he wouldn't be placing his money on Sarutobi.

And so, when faced with Gia's usual behaviour, all he had to say to the man was, "I want copies of any photos."

Finally Gai's building emotions burst, "SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY OF YOUTHFULNESS!"

To Kakashi's silent amusement, Subaru's forehead wrinkled, her lips thinned, and sigh of clear exasperation escaped her, before she turned over to face Kakashi at the same time as grabbing the same sleeve as before and pulling his arm until his hand smothered her ear (and consequently half of her face and neck).

He didn't know if she would continue to show inklings of life, but what he had seen reminded him strongly of the Nara clan members. He was almost expecting a muttered 'troublesome' to come from her.

Kakashi spent most of the rest of that evening using a more than willing Gai as a distraction from the earlier part of the day, not acknowledging the fact that he refused to put Subaru down, and getting the extremely occasional and relatively small gestures of humanity from his child, which bit by bit fed the tiny hope in him that things had a chance of being okay one day.

That night, after Gai had once more very generously cooked for them all, Kakashi had more than willingly fed Subaru each bite as she sat in his lap, he had said goodbye to the jovial man, and they lay in bed, Kakashi's fingertips traced the baby's toes one by one as he watched her sleep. He wondered what the appointment the next day would bring, and what sort of answers would be given, feeling heavily anxious about it.

But no matter what he felt about it all, he knew it wouldn't change the outcome of what was discovered. The only thing he could do was adapt to whatever hand he had been given, as he had always done, and in the mean time he could sleep in order to put some much needed space between himself and the incidents of the day.

Kakashi sat, in his disguise, in a hospital chair the next morning, his posture belying how tense he was, and with Subaru looking half asleep in his lap. She'd been less willing to eat that morning, and although she had eventually finished everything thanks to his persistence, she had looked increasingly drained doing so, and since then had shown no hints of liveliness. It was disappointing over the small but significant changes the day before, but he did his best to prevent his brain from jumping to any conclusions when he could well be getting his answers soon.

Dr. Mukai swept elegantly into the room, everything about her radiated competence and approachability, despite her neutral expression. Her burgundy hair was pinned up neatly into a tight bun, and her clothes were of high quality, but practical.

She gently sat down across from him, her body language remaining open and friendly. There were no hints of hostility, or even too much curiosity toward Subaru, which he had carried some concerns about due to the information in the child's medical file.

"What can I do for you today, Hatake-san," she asked, a professional smile on her face. Despite every indication that she was highly capable in her job, Kakashi knew better than to let a well formed and convincing demeanour relax him. Not when it came to Subaru's well being. Not when the stakes were looking to be so high.

"There's something wrong with Subaru."

"Could you specify? What symptoms are we facing here?"

And so, shunting his emotions off to one side, in order to remain as concise and objective as possible, Kakashi briefly summarised what he remembered of Subaru's behaviour for the past year, as well as a more detailed account of the last week, including the observations of the day care, up until Subaru's 'fall' off the balcony.

Dr. Mukai listened carefully, taking notes and occasionally prompting Kakashi with questions. By the end, despite his careful removal of emotions, he felt unbalanced and scraped raw again. Kakashi had never explained it out loud like that to anyone-it had all remained observations, fears, doubts and worries whirling around his mind endlessly. Speaking what had happened out loud made it more real, and more terrible for it. He was infinitely glad that his mask hid the bottom half of his face, where his teeth were painfully gritted, and he was failing to keep his lips from pulling into a grief filled grimace.

Dr. Mukai continued to make notes for some minutes, before she sat back and looked clearly deep in thought as she spoke.

"I have my suspicions. I can make a guess, but I won't. What I would suggest is that we cross off the worst case scenarios from the list so that we can confidently focus on the more likely possibilities. If I can get some blood from Subaru, and a scan of both her chakra pathways and her brain, I can be more certain of what we're working with here."

Kakashi frowned minutely, and Dr. Mukai added placatingly, "I understand that stolen blood work was how Subaru came to exist in the first place, and I can guarantee that the security of genetic material from our patients has been updated. Nevertheless, for your peace of mind, Hatake-san, I will choose someone personally, who I trust, to be the sole person who handles the blood work and destroys all genetic material afterward."

Kakashi knew it was the best he was going to get, and so reluctantly gave his permission. With an impressively light touch, Dr. Mukai approached Subaru with a needle.

"You may want to distract Subaru, and hold her arm still. Most children find this somewhat upsetting," she warned.

Kakashi held Subaru's arm out, but with one look at the focussed expression on her face, he knew that distracting her wasn't going to work. He remembered the intense focus she had held when she had seen her bleeding hand the day before, and wondered what it was about her own blood that she found so fascinating.

"I think she'll be fine."

Thankfully, Dr. Mukai didn't doubt Kakashi, and took him at his word. She firmly and smoothly slid the thin needle under Subaru's skin, and allowed the blood to be pulled into the small connected vial.

As he had predicted, Subaru paid no attention to the needle, directing it all toward the blood filling the tube. When a second one was filled, the girl seemed to release a near invisible disappointed huff, and showed no more interest in any of the proceedings.

After Dr. Mukai sent off the labelled vials with a medic that Kakashi very vaguely recognised, they passed the time waiting for the results, which had been given a rush order, by scanning Subaru's chakra pathways and mind.

The whole process took a few hours, and Kakashi imagined that if his child was an ordinary baby she'd be incredibly restless by the end of it, rather than the zoned out slouching bored thing she remained.

The blood work came back first, which Dr. Mukai noted was relatively normal.

"She has a high white blood cell count, and is quite low in iron. Has she recently recovered from an illness?"

"She's never been ill that I can remember."

"That's a little unusual, considering the saturation of chakra in her blood. That and the high blood cell count indicate recovery from an illness. You say she's never been ill? How odd. The first years of children's lives usually consist of all manners of small illnesses as they're exposed to world, and gradually build their immune system. Nevertheless, none of these are indicators to explain Subaru's behaviour. The low iron may be contributing, so be sure to feed her a diet of iron rich foods."

Dr. Mukai and Kakashi spent a little while discussing what sort of foods to feed Subaru, before the scans of her chakra pathways and brain came back together. Dr. Mukai studied them both carefully.

"I can't see any abnormalities in her chakra pathways. They're not developed fully, as to be expected in a child her age, in fact they're slightly ahead. But that isn't unusual from a clan child, and it isn't too significant. She has an average amount of chakra for a one year old- closer to what would be seen in a boy, but at this age the difference is negligible, and she could end up with more or it could be less. I can see that she has a higher level of Yin chakra than Yang chakra, so as she grows older, physical exercise will be important in an attempt to balance that."

"Why would she have much higher Yin?"

"That can be explained as a side effect of her advanced brain. From what I've been able to discern, her brain was altered so that it wasn't bigger than the average brain of an infant, but developed differently enough so that it was capable of complex thought much earlier than usual. I imagine this was so that training could start as early as possible. The issue of course, comes with the fact that as Subaru grows, so does her brain. If I compare her brain from when she was born to now, I can see clear continued development, at the rate of an average one year old.

"I don't know what sort of impact this will have on Subaru in the long run. It could result in an extremely advanced intelligence, or additional senses, or it could have a negative effect on her... we simply don't know, and we can only monitor her and wait and see. But for now, I can tell you that her brain shows the development needed for complex emotions and thought, akin to that of an adult.

Of course that doesn't necessarily mean she has thoughts on par to an adult due to her limited life experience, however, it supports my hypothesis."

"What would that be?" Kakashi asked, masterfully hiding how much the unknowns of Subaru's brain troubled him.

"Hatake-san, I believe Subaru is severely depressed," Dr. Mukai stated unapologetically. Kakashi jolted back in his seat, flashes of his father's depression and suicide closing his throat. He knew if he talked, he would sound choked, and so he didn't, swallowing harshly.

"In any other child her age, I would say that she is, at most, on her way to depression. I have only very occasionally seen depression in young children, and never in a child younger than 18 months. However, with Subaru's brain, she is more than capable of being depressed. With such an extreme case, and what you suspect to be a suicide attempt occurring yesterday, usually I would suggest suicide watch, and medication. However, Subaru's system cannot handle the medication for depression, and being as young as she is, I don't believe hospitalisation would be the best choice for her. It could cause her enough stress, that she soon tries again."

Kakashi was deathly still as he listened, his stomach felt cold, and if more of skin was visible, it would have been obvious how pale he had suddenly become. Like a stone weighing down his lungs, was the certainty that his failure as a parent had made his child depressed to the point of suicide. Everything he touched withered and died, and Subaru was going to become one more loved one on the list to willingly die on him.

The pooling blood beneath his father's corpse because he was a blind ungrateful fool, because he wasn't enough, because he was incapable of loving someone without irrevocably hurting them. The crush of rocks above Obito because he was a terrible selfish person, because he wasn't good enough as shinobi, because he was a poor excuse of a friend. Rin's blood dripping down his arm, because he hadn't been fast enough, because he hadn't kept his promise, because all he did was cause the death of his teammates. Minato and Kushina's cooling corpses, pierced through from oversized claws, because he was never where he was needed, because couldn't save a single person who mattered, because this was his punishment for his mistakes.

Subaru. Because he was a failure of a parent, because he never learned from the past, because he was the least deserving of happiness out of all of them, and this was the proof.

"What do I do?" He barely managed to squeeze the words past the lump in the base of his throat, and pretended he didn't feel like he was falling apart on the inside-the only sign was the marginal tightening of his grip on Subaru.

"There are just a few things I'd like to confirm first if you don't mind Hatake-san. Does Subaru show any interest in interaction with those her age or even adults?"

"No."

"Would you say she avoids them at any given opportunity?"

"Yes."

"Does she play with toys voluntarily, of any age range?"

"No."

"Does she initiate contact, or seek your attention at all?"

"Very rarely."

"Does she eat well?"

"Only since yesterday, because I fed her by hand."

"Does she sleep little or a lot?"

"A lot."

"Is she physically active?"

"Not around me."

"Does she initiate eye contact with you?"

"...no."

"How often on average would you say she smiles or laughs?"

"She doesn't."

"Come again?"

"I've never seen her smile or heard her laugh."

"...I see. And her bowel movements? Are they regular?"

"Yes."

"Does she cry a lot?"

"Never."

"What about when in pain?"

"No."

"Is she often irritable, easily angered or grumpy?"

"No."

"When you try to engage with her what is her general response?"

"Nothing. She ignores me."

After each answer, Dr. Mukai jotted down some notes, as Kakashi hid his increasingly turbulent emotions deep inside, resorting to clipped emotionless answers, and keeping his body as still as possible.

Finally, the note taking stopped, and Dr. Mukai looked up, a compassionate, but not overbearing expression on her face.

"There are a few things that I can suggest here Hatake-san, and number one being to keep Subaru close and in sight as much as you possibly can, so that we don't have to hospitalise her while she shows suicidal inclinations. Regarding recovery from her depression, I think it's clear that what may have started out as boredom or something approaching it, quickly deepened when day care didn't provide her the complex relationships and interactions she needed.

I wouldn't suggest sending her back to it if you can help it. What you've been doing for the past week or so has actually been along the right track. Personal one on one interaction is advised, experiment to find out what sort of things will interest her enough to gain her focus, and make sure she continues to move about and get exercise. Take her outside to get fresh air, talk to her and try to get her to respond as much as you can. If feeding her by hand gets her to eat all of each meal then continue with that. The main thing you can provide is a lot of physical affection. She will likely understand the sentiment if not the words behind verbal affection, but I suspect for now physical affection will have a greater impact."

Kakashi felt a bolt of uncertainty at that, "physical affection? Like what?"

It was at this point that Dr. Mukai showed her experience with socially incompetent Shinobi, as she went into great depths to explain how to hold Subaru to express more affection, how tightly, for how long, and when it was appropriate.

"The best thing for her would be with few enough layers between you that she can hear your heart beat, which should be soothing. Skin on skin contact is also very important for both of you. It's largely suggested for mothers but actually fathers can benefit from the bonding experience too. It will lower stress for both of you. Perhaps you can give it a go this evening when you bathe her."

"B-bathe her?" Kakashi stammered at the unexpected suggestion, and received a pointed look in reply.

"Yes, she needs to be washed. Remember, she is more sensitive to temperature than you. You can use bathing her as an opportunity for holding her skin to skin."

"Can't someone else wash her? A female would be more suitab-"

"No. It should be you, Hatake-san. It is evident from what you've told me, that for all Subaru shows a lack of attachment overtly, she is in fact most emotionally attached to you. It's obvious because you are the only person she has shown an inclination to react to. I don't know if you have realised, but she seems to only respond to you, or take initiative with you. This is very important. It means that you have the best chance out of anyone to help Subaru get better."

As seeing the scepticism radiating from Kakashi she added, "look I'm not saying it will be a quick and easy recovery without set backs. In fact, I highly encourage biweekly check ups, which we can reduce once she shows signs of significant improvement. But you are her father Hatake-san, and she is your daughter. I sincerely doubt Subaru hasn't picked up on that fact, and I'm sure that she will respond best to you out of anyone. You don't have to do it alone, and I'd recommend you didn't. You don't want to overwhelm her, but I suggest you gradually introduce Subaru to people who she will be able to interact with as she gets better. You want to make sure you don't burn yourself out caring for her, and have a structure in place where you get the support you need, whether from friends or else where."

Dr. Mukai pulled a blank piece of paper out from a desk drawer and wrote onto it, handing it to Kakashi afterwards, who silently took it and read it.

"I understand you found the books you read to be contradictory and confusing. These are a few I think you will find much more helpful given the unique circumstances, and Subaru's possible levels of intelligence. Finally, if you could keep an eye on Subaru's weight and inform me for our next appointment, I'd like to keep an eye on that."

Kakashi tucked the piece of paper into his pocket silently. He hadn't felt so...steamrolled by another person quite like that in some time. He booked another appointment, and left the hospital in a slight daze, as he made his way home.

He barely even realised he was talking to Subaru as he walked, skipping out on the rooftops for once.

"She sure was something, wasn't she Subaru-chan? Not sure what to think about that. Maybe I'm losing my edge. No, that's not it, I'm sure it was just exceptional circumstances. What do you think about- about what she said? Are you feeling sad, Subaru-chan? I've been there before. It's no fun feeling sad all the time, Su-chan. I'm sorry I haven't been able to stop you from feeling so unhappy. We'll make you feel better soon, though. If anyone can make a really unhappy person happy again, it's Gai. You're lucky you have him as your godfather, huh? Between me and him there's no way you can be d- upset forever."

As he spoke, he ruminated on the conflicting emotions pulling him in different directions. On one hand, as he walked away from the unpleasant shock of what was afflicting his child, he became more hopeful that there was a solution, and a clear way forward now, that didn't inevitably end in Subaru's death. On the other hand, he felt guilty and responsible for her state, which just built on the pre existing shit heap that was his unresolved issues surrounding his loved ones' deaths. This one hit far too close for comfort, and although he hadn't really expected anything better, he had been caught off guard by what the exact problem was.

He couldn't have possibly predicted that putting Subaru in the safety of day care while he did his required year's worth of work would lead to such negative results, but that didn't assuage the voice in his head screaming at him that this was his fault.

All the while he talked about nothing in particular to Subaru, completely missing the fact that she was looking at him, not quite half lidded, and listening carefully to the sounds coming out of his mouth.

He arrived home, entering through the front, and quickly stripping himself of his disguise, juggling Subaru as he did so, the same as that morning, and immediately went to make food- constantly keeping half an eye out for Subaru, who he had placed by the sofa, and who was ignoring the TV.

Sitting down, with simple meal in front of him, and Subaru in his lap, he fed them both, often paying little enough attention to which bowl he was getting the food out of, that he ended up having them both eat a mixture of each meal. He couldn't stop watching the surprisingly not messy image that was Subaru eating. She looked adorable with such a solemn look on her face, her cheeks puffed out and her lips pursed tight to keep the food inside as she ate.

He didn't resist the urge to stroke his hand over her short, almost translucent pale locks, and then, when he remembered how soft it was, he did it again. He dragged her meal out, and silently looked down at her, watching her chew far too seriously as he dragged his fingers through her hair, catching the occasional strand and twirling it in his fingers.

He felt that familiar unnamed emotion tighten his chest almost pleasantly, and grabbed tightly onto it, in favour of ignoring the overshadowing grief weighing him down from the events of the day before.

Far too quickly the meal finished, and he forced his mind onto the intimidating task of washing Subaru. To his embarrassment, he had completely forgotten that he had needed to do so at all. He had gotten Subaru into day care quickly enough that he had never needed to concern himself with the task, and now he realised he didn't exactly know how to go about it.

He guessed it wasn't going to be too hard, as long as his child didn't turn out to be aqua phobic. But did children need separate soaps and things, for their soft skin? He put the task off for just a bit longer by washing the dishes and cleaning up, but eventually there was nothing left to do, and so with a groan, he lifted Subaru into his arms and made his way to the bathroom.

He guessed the easiest way to go about this was in the bath, which he hadn't used yet. In fact, he hadn't a soak in a private bath in some time. So far, he had stuck with a quick shower after he put Subaru to bed. He felt uneasy about handling a slippery baby in a deep bathtub, in case he did something like dropped her, or got soap in her eyes, but regardless of his fears, he was going to have to give it a try.

Rummaging around the cupboards of the bathroom, he came across kid friendly soaps for both hair and skin, as well as some other products for after a wash, and recognised that Gai must have bought them, since he certainly hadn't. Thanking the man in his mind, he placed them near the bath and turned the tap on.

How was he going to tell when the temperature was baby friendly? He'd have to guess, and trust that if it bothered Subaru she'd 'say' something. As he waited for the deep tub to fill, he resisted the urge to fidget uncomfortably.

"So this could well be your first bath, Su-chan. What do you think about that? How did they wash you at daycare anyway? How often are kids supposed to be washed? How should I wash your hair? Am I supposed to just pinch your nose and... dunk you? That doesn't sound right. I'm sure we'll figure it out, right?"

He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, and looked down as Subaru, who was held in one arm. Despite the fact that he was reasonably sure at this point that she didn't understand what he was saying, she still managed to look completely unimpressed as she looked back at him.

He gave a nervous laugh, and waved his hand in front of his face, "maa maa, no need to give me that look, Su-chan, I'm sure it'll be fine!"

Her look didn't abate, and he deflated, Kami, I'm fucked. This is going to go completely wrong and Subaru is going to hate me.

So it's a bit off a crap place to end it, but I really want the next bit to be in Subaru's pov. Little bit of an info heavy chapter, but I didn't want to stretch it out.

in case you're worried Kakashi isn't reacting strongly enough or getting over Subaru's suicide attempt too quickly; he really hasn't, he's just mostly compartmentalised it, so that he can still function since he's got a baby depending on him. This stuff won't stay locked away in his mind forever and be forgotten.

At some point Gai will get a pov but I don't know when. But we do know he'll stick around since he's Subaru's self proclaimed Godfather.