Chapter 12 - Meeting
Author's Notes: I know it's been a while since this was updated, but I hope you're still following and liking this. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, tweeted, and just in general, been completely awesome in your support for this story. Every single word of encouragement matters; so seriously, thank you for that.
And, Nathalie, you're nothing short of a saint in the way you've patiently helped and talked me through the various blocks I've encountered while writing this.
This is a Donna-heavy chapter. I hope you all like it.
On her third morning in Boston, Donna found herself waking up to the sight of Harvey's bare back, her arm slung around his middle, and her nose pressed into his neck. She inhaled deeply, allowing his scent to permeate her senses, which did nothing to alleviate her sleepiness. She nuzzled herself closer to him, splaying her palm against his chest and raising herself on her elbows to peer over his shoulder.
He was deep in slumber and snoring lightly. Donna grinned to herself before pressing a soft kiss to the side of his head. She felt him stir lightly, his hand coming to rest lightly on her own, but he didn't open his eyes. Donna knew his exhaustion owing to everything that had been happening - both in New York and the past two days - had finally caught up to him. She knew she herself was responsible for some of it, though in a pleasurable way for the last two days.
She kissed his shoulder, and then gently disentangled herself from him, deciding to let him sleep. The night before had been pretty much like the first night she'd spent with them. Thanks to Harvey and Marcus' reconciliation, the evening had been light-hearted, with the two brothers taking over dinner while Katie and Donna wound up in the living room with the children.
And then later that night, as promised, both she and Harvey had curled up with Haley in her room for a dramatic reading of Silverlicious. Donna had once again found herself mesmerized by the difference that had come over Harvey when he was around children. She couldn't help but imagine, a few years down the line, a red-haired little girl that looked a lot like him, gazing with adoration the way Haley had looked at him.
After his non-proposal and her tacit acceptance, she knew they'd eventually get around to addressing it directly, and with it, their plans for their life together. Donna had never consciously thought about her future, even though there had been boyfriends - Mark and Mitchell, especially - who had come close to offering her one. But, she hadn't been able to accept them because both of those futures had one very vital element missing.
Now, she realized with startling clarity that the reason wasn't just that both Mark and Mitchell had wanted her to cut Harvey out of her life, but that they weren't Harvey. Her decisions had always been subconsciously guided by her hope that one day he'd be ready for a relationship with her. And now that he was, she could allow herself to think freely of what she wanted with him.
Donna stole one more glance at Harvey's sleeping form, before getting out of the bed. She slipped Harvey's button-down over her own satin pajamas, grabbed her phone, and headed downstairs.
The kitchen was a scene of domestic chaos.
Haley and Josh were both seated at the dining table sluggishly picking their way through their cereal. Katie was already dressed for work, while her husband was still in his pajamas, fixing their lunches.
All four Specters looked up when Donna stepped in.
"'Morning!" she said, stepping up to the kitchen counter to accept the cup of coffee that Katie was holding out to her.
Marcus grinned, "Harvey still asleep? All tired out, is he?"
He narrowly avoided his wife's head slap.
"Leave her alone, Marcus," Katie said.
"You're still on thin ice, Junior," Donna said, her eyes narrowing. "I'd watch myself if I were you."
Marcus' grin faded, his expression turning contrite. Donna held her glare for a few more seconds before she let out a snort and then grinned widely.
Katie snickered, and Marcus looked at her uncertainly before turning back to Donna.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, even though Donna knew that he'd understood that she'd been messing with him.
Her expression softened, "I was teasing. You don't really owe me an apology, Marcus. You made it up with Harvey. That's more than enough."
"I'm still sorry, though," he said, smiling. "I said a lot of dumb things yesterday about the life Harvey had built in New York, and since that included meeting you…"
Donna smiled, "Right. In that case, apology accepted."
She moved to join the kids at the table, shooting Haley a smile and ruffling Josh's hair. Both kids were looking distinctly disgruntled about something, and Donna caught Katie's eye to ask her what was up.
Katie shook her head ruefully, "They both wanted to skip school."
Donna chuckled and leaned towards Haley.
"It's the weekend tomorrow," she reminded the girl. "And your uncle and I will still be here. Besides, we're headed to the park, remember?"
The girl's face brightened and both she and her brother began to wolf down the rest of their breakfast, while Donna leaned back in her chair to watch them.
Her attention was interrupted by a beep from her phone. Turning it on, she saw a recent message from Louis and a few messages from Rachel. She opened Louis' first.
Donna, please come back?
I went to your apartment last night, and you didn't answer. I tried calling you, but your phone has been off every time I did. And Harvey isn't answering his phone, either. I asked Jessica last night and she told me to go to hell.
Mike won't even talk to me, because he's Harvey's guy and Rachel seems to be avoiding me, as well. The only one I had here was you, and I don't want a temp. I need you.
She sighed. A part of her felt sorry that Louis seemed to be left out in the cold by their friends, yet again. But his message still irked her because it carried no remorse or apology. It was still about him feeling sorry for himself and about what he wanted.
However, like she'd told Harvey, she still had to work for Louis. Ignoring him, as much as she wished she could, was not going to help any of them in the long run. She was about to call him, when Harvey shuffled into the kitchen. She heard him greet Katie and Marcus, before he stepped up behind her chair, his warm palm landing on her shoulder.
Donna leaned her head back into his stomach, as he bent down to kiss her.
"Hey," he murmured against her lips. "I missed waking up to you."
She gave him an apologetic smile, "I'm sorry. But you needed the sleep. I didn't want to wake you. Besides, I was gonna come back up with your coffee," she added, nodding at the mug he was holding in his other hand.
"Then, maybe I should head right back up and wait for you," he said, making to leave, but she grabbed his hand and pushed him into the chair next to hers.
"Too late, Harvey."
Haley let out a giggle at their antics and both adults turned to look at her.
"Something funny, little miss?" Harvey asked her, trying and failing to look miffed.
"You're silly, Uncle Harvey," Haley said, shrugging her little shoulders. "It's cute. You and Aunt Donna are cute together."
There was a burst of laughter from Katie and Marcus from behind them, and Donna and Harvey joined in.
"Why, thank you, Haley," Harvey said, his Cheshire cat grin lighting up his whole face as he looked at Donna from the corner of his eye.
Donna felt her heart swell again at the thought that this was her new reality. If anyone had told her, especially in the last week, that she'd be sat at the Specters' dining table being addressed as Aunt Donna by Harvey's niece, she'd have recommended they seek therapy. She hadn't even been able to envision her and Harvey going back to normal; the chasm between them had seemed insurmountable.
And yet, it had happened.
Now that it had, everything else seemed to be slotting into place with an ease that should have surprised her. Surprised them. But it didn't.
Being a part of Harvey's life and family and Harvey being a part of hers was just simply how it was supposed to be.
She paused at the thought of her own family. She knew her mother would be over the moon, but her father would undoubtedly be harder to convince. She didn't know what exactly had gone down between the two of them, but whenever she spoke to him about Harvey, her father became dismissive and sometimes downright derisive in his tone.
Likewise, she knew that Harvey wasn't a fan of her dad, either. Ever since she'd told him about her father's ill-conceived business deal that had made her lose all her dreams, Harvey had been especially determined to protect her from her father, ignoring the fact that despite all he'd done to their family, she had never carried any resentment.
She knew, however, that it stemmed from Harvey's own experience with parental betrayal. At any rate, she had her work cut out for her in getting the two most important men in her life to reconcile.
And then there was Laura.
"Donna?"
She was startled out of her thoughts by Harvey staring curiously at her.
"Where did you go?" he asked, his face full of concern. "You look anxious."
"Louis," she said, settling on a half-truth. "He sent me a message."
"Oh?" he said, glancing down at the phone clutched in her hand before looking back at her.
His expression clearly told her that he didn't believe her, but he played along.
"Everything alright at the firm?" he asked.
"So far, I think," she nodded. "But he's begging me to come back."
She saw his face fall a little, and she immediately squeezed his hand, "I'm not going back without you, Harvey. I was about to call him to tell him that I needed more time and force him to accept a temp."
"That's going to be a tough one. I kinda feel bad for him," he chuckled.
She stared at him in disbelief and he shrugged.
"I know what it felt like when I had Cameron, remember?"
He gave an involuntary shiver.
"What?" she asked, her hand coming to rest on his arm.
"I just remembered a giant arrangement of flowers on my desk."
She tilted her head in question, and he clarified.
"Cameron. He wanted to brighten my desk up."
"With flowers?" Her eyes widened in genuine shock. "You should have let me fire him for real."
"He's a floating temp…"
She clamped her fingers against his mouth, "I know. Must you always ruin that for me?"
"Sorry," his voice was muffled against her hand.
She removed her hand, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. As they pulled away, Katie and Marcus approached the table; Katie herded the two children out of the room, while Marcus sat next to Harvey.
"Hey, Harvey," he said. "I have a favor to ask. There's a special wine delivery coming in today at the restaurant. I could use a hand. Do you think you could come help?"
Harvey nodded before turning to Donna, "You wanna come?"
Donna shook her head, "No, I think I'll stay here and catch up with what's happening at work. I still have to call Louis, and I wanna touch base with Rachel, as well."
"You sure?"
She squeezed his arm, "Yes."
Once Harvey and Marcus had left, Donna settled herself at the kitchen table. Fortifying herself with a cold glass of orange juice and a light salad, she dialed Louis' number.
She knew that this was a conversation that she needed to have. She'd informed Harvey that she needed to be straight with Louis about their relationship. She had broached the subject with him after he'd stepped out of the shower.
Lounging on their bed, she'd been content to simply watch him as he got dressed. He'd donned a dark red button-down with its sleeves rolled up, and paired it with dark blue jeans.
Donna was still getting used to seeing him so dressed down. She found that as much as she loved his clean-cut look at the firm, it was nothing to the way he looked now. His face had sprouted a light scruff, and without the hair-gel he regularly used, his ruffled hair looked nearly blond. The overall effect was a boyishness that made him all the more irresistible that Donna had to deliberately clamp her legs together in an attempt to stave off her arousal.
Harvey had, however, caught her movement in the mirror and turned to look at her questioningly. But one glance at her flushed face had clearly told him everything he needed to know.
He stepped towards her and leaned down to kiss her cheek before trailing his lips down to the soft skin between her neck and shoulder.
Donna breathed in the fresh scent of soap, aftershave, and Harvey.
"You're into me," he said, his low voice sending shivers up her spine, much as it did the first time he'd said it to her at the DA's office.
She was about to retort in a similar vein as she had last time until she'd caught the look in his eyes. His confident expression was belied by a hint of uncertainty in his brown eyes that made her swallow her ready reply.
"I am," she said, instead. "I always have been."
She slid her arms around his neck, pulling him to her and pressing a kiss to the grin that had split his face at her reply.
"I was always into you, too," he murmured against her lips.
"I know you were," she returned, swiping her tongue playfully across his upper lip.
He let out a low chuckle, before opening his mouth to hers.
A few lazy kisses later, Harvey sat back and gazed affectionately at her, his hand coming up to push her hair behind her ears.
She reached up to grasp his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm, before intertwining her fingers with his. She didn't say anything but gazed thoughtfully at their joined hands..
His fingers squeezed hers, "What's on your mind, Donna?"
She swallowed lightly, before meeting his gaze, "So, you know I need to call Louis back."
"Yes?"
"Harvey, I need to be straight with him."
"About us?"
She nodded, "Yes. I don't want to keep lying to him."
"I get that," he told her, gently. "How do you think he'll take it?"
She shrugged, "I don't really know. However he does, I'm ready to take it."
Harvey squeezed her fingers again, "Donna, I won't stand for him treating you poorly for something that's none of his damn business. Promise me you'll tell me if he does?"
"I will," she assured him. "But you have to promise me that you won't try to fight my battles for me."
He looked hesitant, "I…"
"Harvey, this is important to me," she said, leaning forward and pressing her forehead to his. "I need you to understand that. People have always made insinuations about us - Hardman, Tanner, and heck, even Stephen tried to turn his horrible actions back on us by implying that my breaking up with him was about my feelings for you."
She paused when she felt him tense, slipping her hand down to the back of his neck, fingernails scratching lightly against his skin. When she felt him relax, she gave him a small smile and continued.
"Stephen may not have been that far off from the truth, even if I didn't realize it then," she said. "But, the point is many people are going to look at us - at me - differently once they find out. So, going in, I need - we need to make it clear that our professional relationship has nothing to do with this. That means you can't react every time someone treats me badly just because I'm your girlfriend. You need to let me handle that. Can you do that?"
"You know I will," he said. "As long as you don't keep it from me. Even if you don't want me to do anything about it, you need to trust me with it."
"I will," she bit her lip. "Harvey, I know it won't be easy for both of us. We'll both likely make mistakes. And when we do, we need to hold each other accountable."
"We will," he agreed, stroking his thumb across the back of her hand. "But, it'll be worth it."
"Completely worth it," she grinned, relief flooding her at their understanding.
Donna knew - and she was sure that Harvey did, as well - that it was easier said than done. They were both going to need to check their instinctive reactions when people came after them. They would still need to talk more about this when they returned home, but for now, it was enough.
Any further conversation after that had been stalled when Marcus had poked his head in, asking if Harvey was ready to go.
So here she was, all by herself in the younger Specter's house, waiting for Louis to answer his phone. And when he finally did, he cut straight to the chase.
"Donna, please tell me you're coming in today," he said, his voice sounding almost strained.
"Good morning to you, too, Louis," she said, although she felt a slight pang at the stress in his voice.
She heard him make an irritated noise before he repeated his question.
She sighed, "No, Louis. I'm not. I was serious about taking that break. Besides, I'm not even in New York."
"What?" Louis' voice now turned angry. "Where are you?"
"Boston," she said quietly. "At Harvey's brother's place."
"You went all the way to Boston for him?"
There was a note in his voice that Donna knew was disgust, and she bristled, "Yes, Louis. For him. Whether you like it or not, he's my best friend and I care about him. And, unlike you, I also know that Harvey would never have voluntarily stepped away from the firm unless he absolutely had to."
"Oh, please…"
"Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that it was a ploy to get me back, Louis, or I swear to God. You have no idea about the kind of man he is. Because you've never once seen him as anything other than as someone who had everything you didn't. Up until a few years ago, I was one of those things."
"Donna, that's not true," he protested.
"Isn't it? Anyway, back to why I'm in Boston. I came here because I needed to see him and because…" she paused before continuing in a firmer voice. "And because I love him."
There was a silence on the other end, but Donna went on doggedly.
"Listen, Louis. There's a lot more to what happened between Harvey and me before I came to work for you. Things to do with..."
"The fact that you slept together once, a long time ago?" Louis guessed, a note of sarcasm in his voice.
She should never have told him that, she thought, feeling annoyance ripple through her.
"Louis," she said through gritted teeth. "Telling you that was a mistake, clearly. Suffice it to say, that that is just the tip of the iceberg where Harvey and I are concerned."
"Are you saying you've been in love with him all this time?"
"I am."
"Is he in love with you, too?"
"He is," she said, smiling despite her irritation.
More silence.
"Donna, you can't honestly believe that," he said, a tentative note in his voice. "You've seen him with other women."
Donna felt her heart begin to pound hard in her chest, and she gripped her phone tightly in her hands. The man was unbelievable. Even though she'd told Harvey that she had no idea how Louis would react, she had still hoped that he would be understanding as her friend. Clearly, explaining a decade-long relationship over the phone - especially to someone who was determined to see the worst in Harvey - was never going to work.
"Louis, stop," she said, her voice strained with anger. "Like I told you. You don't know Harvey. I do."
"Donna, look, I know that you miss working with him..."
"You're gonna tell me how I feel, as well?" Her voice had turned dangerous.
"Donna, I'm your friend. I'm just worried that you'll get hurt," Louis tried again. "I'm just trying to protect you."
She chuckled hollowly, "Protect me? From Harvey? Are you kidding me?"
"I'm…"
"I don't need protection, Louis!" she snapped. "And definitely not from a man who'd lay down his life for me and for the people he cares about. I thought leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did." Her voice broke now. "But, all that was nothing to learning what the past few weeks have been like for him. Because of what you did and what I did because of you."
Images of Harvey in the living room, his face pale and sweaty while he struggled to regain his breath flooded her mind again.
Damn Louis, she thought furiously. This was clearly going nowhere. Her mood had taken a serious downturn, and she was now beginning to wish she'd gone with Harvey. She already missed him.
She took a long sip of her orange juice. She needed to refocus this conversation.
"Louis," she said, her voice full of resignation. "Listen, I didn't call you to rehash everything that's happened. I called because I wanted to tell you that Harvey and I are happy. But since you've managed to shit on that…"
"Donna, I never meant to…"
"I also called because I felt bad that I'd left you hanging," she said over his words. "I wanted to catch up on what I'd missed and see if I could still help you from here. Because I work for you. Harvey gets that, even if you don't. So, how can I help you?"
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Donna," Louis said, contrition in his voice. "Or Harvey. I was just..."
"How can I help you, Louis?" she said, again. She had had enough of his apologies.
Donna heard him sigh and say quietly, "There's nothing much. Soloff tried to approach me again to get me on his side, but I told him to go to hell."
"Good. Anything else?"
"I… um, no," he said. "I can get Cameron to, uh..."
"I'll do it, Louis," she said irritably. "It's why I called, remember?"
"Yes, I know. It's fine, Donna. I should have accepted it when you suggested it in the first place."
She paused, "You sure?"
"I am," he said, a sudden sadness coating his voice.
Even though she was still furious, Donna felt it prick her heart. She remembered that Mike and Rachel had been as good as freezing him out and so, she made a mental note to tell Rachel to stop avoiding Louis.
"Donna, listen," Louis said. "About Harvey…"
"Louis…" Donna replied warningly.
"No, no," he said hastily. "Hear me out. You're right. I don't know him as you do."
"But?"
"I know that he's a good man."
"Do you?" she asked.
"I do," Louis said. "We were Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog, remember?"
Donna smiled slightly, "I remember. Then why? Why do you keep antagonizing him?"
"Because it just felt like he always gets everything. No matter what he does. You. Mike. And now, he even has Rachel as an associate. It all just falls into place for him. It never seems to do for me. And..."
"You got jealous."
"Yes. And with these past few weeks, I thought that maybe the tide was turning, when you said you were going to work for me. And for a change..."
"You thought he'd be jealous," she said, incredulously. "You wanted him to be jealous?"
"I did," he said. "I thought that for once, he was going to see what it was like to fight for something like the rest of us."
Donna felt her mouth drop, "You know, I'd have expected that kind of bullshit from Jack Soloff. But you? You've known Harvey so much longer! You seriously believe that he never had to fight for anything?"
"Of course. I mean, doesn't he?"
"Louis," Donna said, sounding exasperated. "Just because he has it all, doesn't mean he hasn't had struggles like the rest of us. Do you know how many times Jessica has threatened to throw him out? Or how hard he had to fight to get his name on the wall? All of that didn't just happen for him."
She heard a light sniffle on his end.
Donna shook her head and then said quietly, "You have got to stop thinking of Harvey's achievements as your failures, Louis. If you did, then you'd be able to appreciate yourself even more. Besides, you honestly don't think that jealousy is a good excuse for your actions, do you?"
"No," he said, gulping.
"For what it's worth, it's an explanation. A shitty one, but an explanation, nonetheless," she said, rubbing the bridge of her nose, tiredly. "So, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," Louis sighed. "I evidently owe Harvey an apology."
"That would be a start," Donna said kindly, ignoring the slight petulance she sensed in his tone.
There was a pause, while Louis clearly was casting about for more to say, but Donna decided to let him off the hook.
"I'll see you soon, Louis."
"Right. I am happy for you and Harvey, Donna."
"Then I hope that you act like it when we return," she responded, unwilling to fully trust his words just yet.
After they'd hung up, Donna dashed off a few memos to Cameron before grabbing her glass and plate, and headed to the kitchen.
Her conversation with Louis had been exhausting and she needed a respite. She considered heading over to Marcus' restaurant after all. Even if she wouldn't have much to do, spending time with Harvey would be worth it.
Her mind made up, she had started towards the stairs when the doorbell rang.
Donna frowned. Marcus had told her that they normally didn't get visitors in the morning. And the last time someone had…
Her heart sank.
She wouldn't, would she?
After yesterday?
She'd know that both Marcus and Katie were out. And that Harvey would probably be alone.
Donna stalked apprehensively towards the door.
Sure enough.
"Lily."
Well, damn. So much for that respite.
This is a bad idea, Lily.
Bobby's words just before she'd left the house rang in her ears as she approached her younger son's house for the second morning in a row.
However, she didn't think she could wait. Not after Bobby had told her the harsh truth of her treatment - of their treatment - of her son. She knew that Harvey wasn't going to be happy to see her, but she had no idea how long he was planning to stay, and she didn't want to miss another opportunity.
Doing this without Marcus or Katie there as a buffer was going to be difficult, but considering everything that she'd put Harvey through, she felt like she needed to face whatever he was going to say head-on.
Except, when the door finally opened, she wasn't met with her son's face. Instead, she found herself staring into hazel eyes set in a pale face lightly dusted with freckles.
"Lily."
Donna's voice was laced with annoyance, but her face looked wary. Lily swallowed, her eyes darting behind the redhead's shoulder in search of…
"Harvey isn't home," Donna said, moving so that her body was blocking the doorway.
Lily looked back at her, indignation bubbling in her own stomach at the younger woman's movement.
This wasn't her home, she thought bitterly.
"Where is he?" she asked, keeping her voice level.
"He's gone with Marcus to his restaurant. Marcus needed some help there." Donna's voice was still guarded.
"And you didn't go with them?" Lily asked, and then closed her eyes. That had come out way more aggressive than she'd intended.
She just hadn't been able to help it. Seeing Donna had put her on the defensive. Especially, given that it was this woman who had set them all straight the previous afternoon about Harvey, Lily felt intimidated and wrong-footed. She hadn't prepared herself for meeting Donna on her own.
"No," Donna said, frowning. "I had some work I wanted to catch up on. Marcus said I could stay."
Lily winced at the defensive tone in Donna's voice in those last words. That hadn't been her intention.
"I'm sorry," she said, briefly touching Donna's hand, which was clutching the doorknob tightly. "I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't be here."
Donna's eyebrows went up, "I know I'm allowed to be here. But should you?"
Lily hesitated, staring in part annoyance and part awe at the redhead. She had heard multiple accounts from both Gordon and Marcus about her son's fiercely loyal, intelligent, and beautiful secretary, and that anyone who needed to get to Harvey had to go through her.
This was the woman her son loved - the woman who had taken over his life and his heart from the moment they'd met. Gordon had even joked once that if it hadn't been for the fact that Harvey had been irretrievably in love with her, he'd have asked her out. But then he'd turned serious and expressed his hopes that Harvey would pull his head out of his ass soon and marry her.
And from what she'd glimpsed on the previous day, it was clear that Harvey had. When the couple had stepped into the room, Lily had seen that their hands were laced together. And then, even in the midst of her fight with Harvey, she couldn't help but notice that Donna had never once left his side. She had kept a hand on his back at all times, and her anxious eyes had been locked on Harvey.
"I… I had to see him," she quivered. "Bobby told me everything that happened - everything that you said - and I had to do something."
Donna stayed silent, staring contemplatively at her for a few moments, before stepping aside. Lily gave her a grateful look, and moved inside.
"Harvey's really not here," Donna said, closing the door behind them. "I wasn't making that up. But if you're going to see him, I'd rather it be when he knows you're coming. I don't want you blindsiding him again like you did yesterday and like you clearly tried to do now."
"I'm sorry," Lily said. "I was just unsure of what else to do. I'm pretty sure Marcus and Katie would've shut me down if I tried asking."
Donna's face lost its sternness, "Probably. I guess it's just a good thing that it's just me here."
Lily gave her an uncertain look, "Probably."
There was another beat of silence in which Lily took the other woman in. Her fiery hair was wrapped in a careless bun, and she was dressed in satin pajamas, over which she'd thrown what was clearly Harvey's shirt. Donna looked very much like someone who had already claimed this house as her own.
"Would you like something to drink?" Donna asked, looking slightly discomfited at her stare. She pulled Harvey's shirt tighter around her frame, and moved past her towards the kitchen.
"Just some water," Lily said, feeling foolish at being caught out.
She followed Donna into the kitchen and settled herself at the kitchen island.
"What did Marcus need help with?" Lily asked while Donna grabbed two bottles from the fridge.
"Something about a wine delivery," The younger woman shrugged and plopped herself on the stool next to hers.
"Right," Lily chuckled. "I think it has to do with the last time Marcus left it up to the delivery guys, and they caused him a lot of headache with their handling of the goods. He's been doing it on his own ever since and usually calls Bobby…"
She stopped, and Donna merely said, "I see."
"I wasn't implying," Lily began, feeling wrong-footed again. "That he shouldn't have…"
"Lily, I got what you meant. It's a good chance for Marcus to spend time with Harvey."
"Yes," Lily said, nodding eagerly. "Of course. I'm glad they're getting to do that. It's been a while."
"It has," Donna said shortly and took a sip of her water.
The awkwardness was slowly building in between them, and Lily cast about again for something to say. Anything to keep from being asked to leave before she could accomplish what she came here for.
She realized that seeing Harvey now was likely out of the question. But given what she knew about Donna and her influence over Harvey, she wondered if the young woman held the key to reconciliation with her son. Gordon had told her that Donna's compassion and empathy were what set her apart from all the women in Harvey's life. At that time, she had seen it as a slight on her own inadequacy, even though she was sure that Gordon had likely not included her in that group. But her own persistent guilt and resentment about the way she had left things with Harvey had prevented her from wanting to know more.
She also realized that Donna was growing distinctly uncomfortable at the silence. She was slightly squirming in her seat, and her eyes had darted uncertainly towards her a few times.
She took a deep breath and said finally, "I'm sorry, Donna. I can see that I've made you feel uncomfortable. I was just wondering if we could talk about what happened yesterday."
Donna sat straight up at that and looked sharply at her, "I've already said everything that needed to be said about that to Bobby. And I'll say it again, you had no right to come barging in like that. He wasn't ready."
"I know," Lily said. "I know. But I have to ask. It's been eating at me. Is he sick? Marcus and Katie have both implied that he was here to take rest, and neither of them will tell me why."
She rubbed her eyes tiredly, swiping at a tear that had slipped out. She hadn't slept well the previous night, her thoughts about Harvey tormenting her. And the idea that he was possibly ill had cut her deeply.
A gentle hand touched her arm, and she looked up to see Donna's gaze had softened, "He's fine, Lily. I promise. There's nothing seriously wrong with him. It just had to do with…" She suddenly looked away. "... um, stress from back in the firm and he wasn't coping well with it. His therapist advised him to take a break."
"Are you sure?" Lily asked, her curiosity piqued at the fact that Donna was definitely not meeting her gaze.
"I am," Donna returned, removing her hand and taking another long sip from her bottle.
Lily decided not to push it, although there was clearly more to her son's stress than just work. But for now, the fact that Harvey wasn't ill like she'd feared was enough. Seeing Marcus go through it had been painful. Furthermore, learning that it was Marcus who had deliberately kept Harvey away because of her, and that it wasn't Harvey who had shirked his responsibility had increased her guilt tenfold.
"You can't know how glad I'm to hear that," she said, reaching shakingly for her own bottle.
"I can imagine," Donna said, smiling slightly. "It can't have been easy with Marcus."
Lily shook her head, "It wasn't. It was a scary time. But we pulled through. Well, he pulled through and we were just relieved."
Donna's expression had turned sad, "How bad was it?"
"Bad," she said, closing her eyes at the thought of how close they had come to losing him.
Even as that thought occurred to her, so did the idea that if they had lost Marcus, their own stubbornness and self-righteousness would have robbed Harvey of a chance to see his brother.
It was clear that the same thought had struck Donna because her eyes had turned glassy with tears.
"I'm so sorry. If I had known…," Lily began.
Donna shook her head, "You wouldn't have known. You didn't want to know. It was just easier for you to blame him."
"Donna…"
"How? How could you? You're his mother. That's the thing I don't understand. How were you able to just … treat him like that? Force him to carry all of it as a child?"
She jumped up from her seat, and from the way it had just exploded out of her, it was clear that Donna had been waiting to ask this all along. Lily watched her, her insides crawling at the fact that she really had no answer to that.
She had been unfeelingly selfish towards her son for most of his childhood, and on top of that, she'd still blamed him for breaking the family up. All the excuses she had told herself - about Gordon's inadequacy as a husband or the fact that she was in love with Bobby - were never going to be enough to cover the fact that she had scarred her son, instead of protecting him.
She looked pleadingly at Donna, "I don't have any excuse for it. For any of it."
"Try," Donna said. "Give me something. It's clear you want to try and make amends with him. And I get that and I hope for that, if only for Harvey's peace of mind. I'm tired of seeing him get hurt all the time. But if you can't even begin to explain why you did that to him…"
"I don't know," Lily returned, despairingly. "How can I? Everything that I told myself all this time just makes it even worse, when I think about it."
"Such as?"
Lily looked at her, once again struck by her tenacity. Bobby hadn't been exaggerating. She was relentless. Her love for Harvey was obvious in every syllable, and she was clearly hurting for him. Donna wasn't going to make this easy on her.
"That I'd fallen out of love with Gordon and that falling in love with Bobby hadn't been a choice. Harvey was too young to understand what it felt like to be neglected by your husband. Bobby was just… there for me. I'm not excusing my behavior, but it is what happened."
"There was nothing wrong with falling in love with Bobby," Donna said. "And that doesn't really answer why you still chose to burden Harvey with it, instead of being upfront with Gordon."
"Because I also cared about Gordon. I didn't want to hurt him. Even though he wasn't home as much as he should have been, we were still a family. He loved our boys. He loved me. I was afraid of taking that away from him because I knew it would devastate him."
"What about what it did to Harvey? Again, you still aren't even thinking about that. You never did."
"I don't have a leg to stand on that, Donna. I know that. Harvey was never supposed to find out about it and when he did… I admit it, alright. I just never considered what it was doing to him. All I cared about was about Gordon or Marcus finding out."
Shame was coursing through her veins now, as she admitted her failings. She'd been so angry with Harvey for acting like she never existed. After her talk with Bobby, however, she had been forced to realize that her own selfishness had been at play again.
"In other words, you were simply selfish," Donna said. "Katie told me that you keep saying that Harvey acting like you don't exist was devastating."
Lily groaned inwardly. Her relationship with Katie had always been on shaky ground. Her son's wife had never fully warmed up to her or Bobby. Still, she tried to put up a defense.
"Because it is devastating, Donna. I love my son, and seeing him completely ignore my existence kills me every single day."
"You mean like you ignored his feelings when you forced him to keep your secrets? Or when you continued to take advantage of his silence after?"
Lily closed her eyes against the barrage of words. But, Bobby had warned her.
Lily, trust me, it isn't Harvey's anger you need to be worried about. It's Donna's.
The woman was like the damn Sphinx - determined to make her work for her path to reconciliation with Harvey.
Lily however knew that Donna's actions were borne out of her fierce love for Harvey and she couldn't truly fault her for it. In fact, she felt her respect and admiration for Donna grow with each passing moment. And she wasn't surprised when Donna's next words showed just how perceptive she was.
"Lily, I'm sorry. I know I'm coming off as rude, but I…" she said, her voice losing its previous edge.
"Just don't want to see him hurt," Lily said, grateful for a little respite from their tense conversation. "I know."
"Yes," Donna said, sitting down again. "It's just that with everything going on back in New York and the past few days here, he's been through a lot. We both have."
Lily watched quietly as Donna leaned wearily against the counter, pushing her fingers through her golden-red locks.
"You look exhausted, Donna," she said, placing a hand gently on her back.
Donna let out a watery chuckle, "You could say that. I just had an exhausting conversation with a colleague, and I think I took out my frustration on you."
"That's not it," Lily said. "You've just been carrying a lot of anger on Harvey's behalf because you love him. And since I'm the one who has hurt him the most…"
Donna raised her head, "That's not even half of it, to tell you the truth. It's not just on Harvey's behalf. It's on mine, too."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that your actions are partly why Harvey and I took this long to finally be together. We've loved each other for a long time, without the other realizing it. In Harvey's case, it turned out that it was because he'd been scared to do anything about it because he hadn't been able to trust that he could make it work without shattering what we have. And I came close to giving up on him because I thought that he'd never love me that way."
Lily's heart dropped and tears sprung up in her eyes.
Just how much damage had she inflicted? Was there ever going to be a chance for her to make it right with Harvey?
"I'm sorry. I really am. I'm trying here, Donna. I just don't know how to even begin making amends. I know I've done a lot of bad things but I want to make it up to him. To you. To this family. I can't go through the rest of my life without doing that," she said, her heart squeezing painfully at the thought.
She took another sip of her water and saw that her hands were shaking. Donna evidently had, as well, because her stance softened again.
"I believe you," Donna replied gently. "And like I told Bobby last night, it's something that Harvey has wanted too. He's tried, Lily. But every time he did…"
"I ruined it by forcing him to accept Bobby," she said, recalling how bewildered Bobby had sounded about their lack of self-awareness at Gordon's funeral.
"Not just that," Donna said, placing her hand on her own. "You made it sound like he was the one being unreasonable about it."
"I did." Shame prickled at her again. "I guess I just fell back on my usual pattern: assign blame rather than acknowledge my fault in the matter. It's what I've been doing all my life, I know that now."
Donna looked contemplatively at her for a short while.
"Listen to me, Lily." She said, her face full of compassion. "It's clear that you know where you went wrong with Harvey and that you're genuinely sorry. But, if you want to make this right with Harvey, you need to accept that his relationship with Bobby will never be the same as the one Marcus has with him."
Lily nodded. She and Bobby had come to that conclusion on their own, as it was.
"And you need to be patient. His hurt runs deep. And I don't rightly know where his mind is at with regards to you. I don't want you to push it if he isn't ready. You have to promise that."
"What are you saying?" she asked, hope building in her heart at Donna's words.
Donna smiled, "I'm saying that I'll talk to him. I mean, wasn't what you were hoping for?"
Lily felt herself going red, "I… Gordon was right about you."
Donna laughed this time, "So I keep hearing. At some point, I'm going to need to hear exactly what it is that old man had been saying about me."
Lily grinned, "Well, the main thing he's always said is that you were Harvey's soulmate and that he couldn't wait for Harvey to marry you."
It was Donna's turn to blush, "I've heard that already from Marcus."
"OK, he also said that you were just as much in love with Harvey as he was in love with you."
Donna's eyes went wide, "OK, that's new." She paused and tucked her hair shyly behind her ear, "And he was right."
Lily was about to say something in return when Donna's phone interrupted them.
"It's Harvey," Donna said. "Probably checking in to see that I didn't burn the house down."
Lily laughed, but there was a little apprehension in it.
Donna shook her head smilingly before answering the call, "I won't tell him anything just yet."
Feeling a little relieved, she watched as Donna's face turned pink at whatever her son had just said. Sensing that the younger woman wanted privacy, she pushed off her stool and moved towards the living room.
As she settled on the couch, she allowed her mind to go over everything that had transpired over the last 24 hours. There was still a lot of healing to be done, no doubt, but for the first time, Lily felt that she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And it would be because of the beautiful red-haired woman in the other room that she knew would one day be her daughter-in-law.
Author's Notes: Please let me know what you thought.
Part of my motivation in writing this story was to make a Lily and Donna meeting possible since we were robbed of that on the show. I've also tried to be conscious of the fact that Harvey and Donna aren't in the same place they were when he finally made up with his mother on the show, and I hope that translated well.
As a reward for reviewing, you get to help Donna and her daughter plan a grand day for Harvey for Father's Day. No choices here. ;)