Disclaimer: I own nothing but the general plot and OCs
So I considered doing a few more 'close encounter' chapters that have a detailed look over a short period of time, but as much as I do enjoy writing them, they can be a complete hassle to move the plot along during a fic in which my main character is a severely depressed woman in the body of a baby, with little motivation.
I thought I'd give this one from Kakashi's pov, so the next one can be Subaru's. A little time skippy, but I hope I give a good summary of what single parenthood is like for a very trying hard Kakashi. And Gai. Because Gai makes things better.
He's still a little emotionally awkward, so he's not gonna be all mushy and cooing and thinking his Su-Chan is adorable. I mean, he does think that, but won't admit it to himself (yet). Probably a good thing, because she probably wouldn't appreciate it when depressed and without her sense of humour.
Obviously Subaru has her own idea of what's going on, and will give a clue of that next chap.
Zero editing again, sorry. But sort of not sorry.
Thank you so much for reviews, favs and follows! Also let me know what works for you, what doesn't work for you, and any prompts for scenes.
Chapter 13 - Watching You
After the resounding success that was bath time, Kakashi began to set time aside at least twice a week for a long soak together, during which no matter how much of a set back or step forward the day had been, he gladly watched Subaru relax against him. He hadn't noticed how much stress she seemed to constantly carry about with her, until she let it all go in the warm water. Despite his initial reluctance, their time together in the bath quickly set the tone for what he realised she needed - regular and consistent affirmation that he was there for her.
For someone who he had been told had avidly grasped for every inch of independence in her first year, the more he carried her, held her, fed her, bathed her, spoke to her, the more receptive she became.
It was undoubtedly slow at first, and there were days in which she simply wasn't interested. But she didn't lie on her back staring off into the distance any more, she would climb into his lap and tuck her face away from the world.
That was when he also learnt that if she truly wasn't interested in something she would pretend it didn't exist, and wouldn't compromise no matter how he cajoled. Gai was one example.
At first they both thought that she was completely indifferent to the man's existence, or perhaps even didn't like him, due to the fact that she completely ignored Gai no matter his attempts at interaction- but when one day she whispered 'Gomen', picking up on Gai's subtle disappointment, looking more exhausted than usual, he realised that she was a very easily tired out child, and probably simply didn't currently have the energy for someone like Gai.
After this explanation, Gai did his best to tone down his exuberance, which wasn't by much, and she at least stopped turning her face away from his direction when he was in the room.
Talking was something that baffled Kakashi at first. It was the first clue that very quickly pointed to the fact that Subaru had a cache of knowledge she simply shouldn't have. Subaru had never seen a man without his shirt on, but knew some males had chest hair. She knew words that became clear formed a language that had no basis in anything Kakashi knew. There were certain experiences that should have been completely new for her that she showed no surprise to.
When she was exposed to blades accidentally for the first time, she knew to pick them up by the handle and avoid the sharp edge. She knew not to touch fire. There was small things about human interaction which she already knew, and he couldn't fathom how she'd know considering she had avoided it so much in her first year- she seemed to understand how much eye contact was socially acceptable, and how to use her body to indicate whether she was listening, wanted something, or needed to be left alone, in a manner which was far from unthinking.
When a cat got into the apartment once, she showed no curiosity or unfamiliarity with the animal despite him knowing she had never seen one face to face before. There were dozens of little things that he began to notice more and more, and although he kept it to himself for the time being, Kakashi couldn't help but wonder where this knowledge came from.
Every single source told him Subaru should be living the years fundamental to forming her personality, constantly watching and learning from the world around her to understand it better. From what could observe, Subaru had already formed a fully functioning personality which became more and more evident as she got better.
She was too smart, too good at understanding subtext and nuances through body language, intonation and facial expressions, too fluid in switching between the face she wore in public and who she was when it was only him around, too self aware.
The only reason he didn't worry more was that she showed no inclination toward lying to him, or hiding from him. There were times he got the distinct impression that she had consciously chosen to be transparent with him. This was never more apparent than in the way she learnt- she tackled speaking first, and for each new word she learnt she showed determination to share her version of the word.
Then she started connecting words she had learned to create new definitions, and began to teach him the translated foreign words he hadn't approached yet. She understood concepts too easily as well, like she knew one version of it already and was simply being introduced to the same thing being described differently.
He took her to parks and empty fields, simply getting her to walk and find her balance on uneven ground at first, moving onto a small amount of climbing up and down banks and rocks to have picnics. She always approached these moments with reluctance written all over her face, but said nothing in complaint and never refused. When he began to talk to her as they moved in order to distract her, she showed a touch more enthusiasm, but it was clear she found the walks they went on slightly frustrating.
Every two weeks they had an appointment with Dr. Mukai, who Kakashi easily came to respect. The woman's advice was always excellent, and he was tempted to ask her about Subaru's almost unnatural knowledge. It was only the child's reluctance to interact with her that prevented him. In the end, the only person who was given an inclination of Subaru's intelligence levels was Gai, when in his determination to find something the two could do together, he came by with a Go board to teach her- only to find out she already knew how to play, admittedly not well, but the rules were already known to her much to their confusion.
In return she drew, to create two lines of long spiky triangles on opposite edges of a piece paper, used some of the Go stones to lay them on top of some of the triangles, and grabbed the large pair of dice that were part of the baby toys she barely touched. She didn't need to teach either of them to play, since they already recognised the game- but it was one that had only really gained popularity amongst the upper class. She called it 'backgammon'.
Beyond a surreptitious glance toward each other, Kakashi and Gai carefully didn't react to this.
Day by day, as the months went by, Kakashi kept very close watch over her progress. He learnt she didn't like watching TV, and loved sweet things with an almost frightening fanaticism, she didn't like shouting or loud noises, and was never more content curled up against his chest while he rubbed her back and read a book or they quietly taught each other words. He discovered, when he first introduced her to written words, that she was nearly aggressive in her desire to be taught to read, but was too self conscious to openly learn anything in front of anyone who wasn't Gai or himself. He learnt she didn't like other children her age and would go out of her way to avoid them. She also didn't much like other women from what he could tell- when they tried to coo at her or get her to talk to them when they went in public, Subaru would hide her face from them and went terribly tense- at first he thought they intimidated her, or she worried he would leave her with them like day care, but on one occasion when he spotted her face before she buried it in his neck he saw it morph into an expression of fury he had never seen on her before.
To be honest, she didn't seem much interested in talking to men either, but they were generally more inclined to ignore her when they were in public and she seemed fine with that. It was another thing that he was a touch baffled by- other children wanted attention, they squealed and shouted and whined and showed off or threw tantrums. Yes, some were shy and insecure and frightened, but Kakashi suspected that wasn't why Subaru was more than happy to fade into the background and be ignored by everyone else.
And that was another thing- when her attention was required by anyone but him and Gai, she either refused to give it, or was incredibly wary and reluctant about doing so, but when she was ignored and the adults talked over her head acting as though she wasn't there, she watched them with more than just curiosity. Perhaps he only noticed it because he was her parent and could translate the tiny differences in her expression and body movements better than anyone else, but when she was in public she assessed everyone around her, watching their body language, the way they gesticulated, and spoke to different people, with a distinctly calculating look in her eye.
By the end of every week, when Kakashi thought back to the start of it, he could see clear progression and improvement. It brought him hope and got him through the days each week in which Subaru didn't want to talk, or eat, or move, or even look at him- where she gave that world weary sigh, with a look of tired despair, both of which he had grown to hate, and limply lay in his arms.
As the weeks went by though, those days went from half the time, to less than half, to two days a week, to about once a week, to just now and then. And as those days went down, Kakashi introduced games that involved finger dexterity, and stretches, and allowed Gai to teach Subaru how to cartwheel and do a handstand, and took her on longer and tougher treks.
He never left her alone. Unless she was using the bathroom, during which he waited outside, he always had at least one eye on her. The few times he'd personally been asked to take on a mission, Gai was the person he went to, to look after her, and the man had been given explicit instructions about what to and what not to do.
As time moved on, and he learnt about about her idiosyncrasies, it became increasingly apparent that she was holding something of herself back. It was obvious in the way that sometimes she pointedly didn't react or say anything after she knew she'd done something particularly unusual. It was only the fact that she never bothered hiding these moments that stopped him from commenting. She had a secret and as she gained energy and they became more and more comfortable together, the way she skirted around it without pretending she was doing anything but, let him know that she would tell him at some point.
Kakashi remained grateful for Gai's presence for so many things; sometimes, when he just needed to get away from the constant never ending life that was being a parent, Gai seemed to magically turn up with loud offers to watch over his 'beautiful blossom' and allow Kakashi to slip away for some of the day to be alone, or spend the time with one of his fellow shinobi. There were times when looking after Subaru was undoubtedly frustrating, it felt like he was getting no where, and he silently despaired that she would never recover fully- allowing his thoughts to spiral down negatively where anger and resentment waited. Gai could tell when he was having one of those moments, and would cheerfully point out the landmarks that he and Subaru had reached together and how far they'd come. He knew that Gai also had what was likely becoming an incredibly large stash of photographs of them hidden away somewhere.
But above all, what would cement Gai as his best friend, was the first time the taijutsu expert had deemed Subaru ready to witness one of their infamous challenges. And of course, he chose to challenge Kakashi on who could create the best piece of art via senbon pierced wooden plank, whilst simultaneously throwing Subaru five meters into the air to serve as a time limit.
Kakashi, unwilling to upset Subaru, intended to decline, but apparently the girl had understood enough of the challenge that he witnessed a spark of interest from her. He was more than confident of their ability to keep her safe, and so agreed. Kakashi went first, and lost, because he was too distracted by the noise that left Subaru's mouth while she was in the air. She screamed with laughter, and he watched dumbfounded, as his subdued child turned into a delighted ecstatic, noisy creature for the first time in her life. Even when he caught her she didn't stop laughing for some time, and clearly wanted to go again.
Gai caught that moment of her midair on camera, and Kakashi framed it. He may have missed the first time she walked, and clearly the first time she spoke, but he was there for the first time she smiled and the first time she laughed.
It was the day Kakashi discovered that there was no distance too high for Subaru, and no speed too fast for her- no matter how bad of a mood she was in, all he had to do was throw her high into the air and she turned into a screaming laughing child at least for a few minutes. It was also the day she finally opened up to Gai, who looked almost more thrilled than Kakashi could remember ever having seen him.
After that, much of Gai and Subaru's Godfather goddaughter bonding was spent with Gai throwing Subaru to stupid heights, and carrying her on his first lap around Konoha at high speed. He admitted to himself that he would have been jealous, if she didn't still flat out ignore three out five things Gai said; just like him. So proud.
Some days felt like they passed ridiculously quickly- on the days when Subaru's unquenchable enthusiasm for knowledge became apparent, as she pushed to learn more and more and more spoken and written words, when she had the energy to explore, to run, jump, cartwheel and climb, when she talked to him with her odd accent in their still quite broken conversations that were fast becoming a mix of what they called 'his words' and 'her words', when she ate all of her food without him needing to cajole her, when he did or said something to bring out those little flickers of amused mischief, when she relaxed peacefully during their baths with the occasional quiet comments here or there, when she laughed at Gai and him and then fell asleep on him in the evening as he read.
Some days felt like an eternity- when Subaru was unable to summon a single smile all day, when dragging any noise from her was nearly impossible, when she stared at the food on her plate like it was paper and forced her lips open for each mouthful, when she glanced dismissively at games and books, and ignored him when he asked questions, when she shut her eyes at the sight of Gai, and looked more depleted with each step she took, with each minute she spent outside, when she looked at the world around her like she was hopelessly searching for something she knew she wouldn't find, and lay too still against him in the bath as fleeting expressions of sorrow darted across her face, when she curled up too early and fell into sleep as though she couldn't bear her reality for a second longer and her dreams were her desperate retreat.
But in either case, Kakashi learnt that whatever he had thought of parenting in their first year together had been completely inaccurate; Subaru fast became the first thing he saw in the morning, the last thing he saw at night, and the main thing he focussed on all day. Even when he wasn't with her, she was never far from his thoughts, and she easily became the most important aspect of his life. Being her parent quickly became an integral part of his identity, where previously only the fact that he was a shinobi dominated. How good he felt about himself was largely reliant on how good of a parent he appeared to be, and how much Subaru improved.
His priorities shifted from sharp enough and numerous enough kunai, high quality ration bars, well completed missions for Konoha, the next Icha Icha book and getting back home in the evening, all at the top of the list, to making sure meals were healthy and on time, how much Subaru smiled or spoke in a day, bath time, enough fresh air and exercise for her, the next Icha Icha book and learning the next thing he could about his strangely mysterious child.
It was a dramatic shift, and when he looked at himself he was left reeling at the differences, despite the care he took to show none of this when he was out in public as himself.
It was just over six months after That Day Kakashi was summoned by the Sandaime. He dropped in by Gai's apartment, and when he saw the man was in, he left Subaru with him, before he made his way to the Hokage building. Once there, the Sandaime hit him with a completely unexpected request.
"I'd like to put you forward as Jonin-Sensei this year, Kakashi."
There was an incredulous pause as Sarutobi's words sunk in, and Kakashi stared at the man.
"I would make a terrible Jonin-Sensei."
"You have too little faith in yourself. I think you have more to give as a Jonin-Sensei than you give yourself credit."
"Regardless, Sandaime, we agreed last year that I would be given this year-"
"To spend as much time as you needed in and around the village, yes. The graduation exam for the Genin potentials is in a week, after which you have plenty of time to train them, take on D rank exams around the village, and the occasional C rank in the latter half, during I will be sure to give you C rank missions that keep you close to home."
"I'm a single parent, I don't have the time to dedicate myself to a Genin team on top of my child, one of them would end up neglected. If it was the Genin team that could lead to death if they're underprepared, and if it was Subaru..."
That could eventually lead to death too.
"The fact of the matter is that taking on a Genin team gives an excellent excuse for you staying around the village in the first place, Kakashi. Without that there is a chance that people will take a closer look at just what you spend your time doing. You're a high profile shinobi in Konoha, and one of our best. It makes people curious."
Kakashi knew it was Sarutobi's way of ensuring whatever pressure existed on the man to send Kakashi back into the depths of ANBU or to send him on high ranking missions, backed off. If Subaru was healthy, he wouldn't necessarily have been happy, but he would have been far more willing to take on a Genin team. As it was, he didn't think he could afford to take on anything extra when she needed him so much.
A quietly resentful voice in the back of his mind whispered that if he was a single mother he wouldn't be asked to choose between a trio of Genin strangers and his baby. But the comment did him no good, and so he merely stated.
"I'll think about it, Sandaime."
"Please do. Let me know within two days, so that I have definite number of Jonin-Senseis."
Kakashi bowed once, and without wasting any time, nor giving a sign to hasty plan forming in his mind, he left.
Immediately he made his way outside of the academy, with a clear view of the soon to be graduating class. He spent some hours observing them, and was disappointed in the quality that he was presented with. Perhaps he wasn't any better as a child, but there wasn't a single hint of cohesiveness within the class. The girls mostly fought amongst themselves about which boys liked them best, and the boys mostly fought amongst themselves about who could outdo who physically. As if any of that mattered at the age they were at.
Nevertheless, he got what he wanted from watching them, and the next day, after he had once again dropped Subaru off with Gai to watch the man train, he gave Sarutobi his answer.
"I'll take on a Genin team on the proviso that they pass the bell test Minato-Sensei gave my Genin team."
Neither men were anything approaching stupid, and Sarutobi knew what the chances of that happening were. Despite that, Kakashi was not being unfair, or unreasonable. He gave the okay, and Kakashi left knowing he was free for at least another year from having to give up a good portion of his time with Subaru for some preteen brats.
The next week he explained to Subaru where he was going, and they both learned a new word from each other, meaning 'doomed'. Cheered up considerably by her comment he left late, having wasted some time throwing the shrieking girl up in the air and accepting a stupid dance challenge from Gai which had left Subaru crying with laughter.
As he predicted, the Genin hopefuls failed miserably, and immediately turned on each other. What had left him walking away thoughtful, however, was the stark differences between them and Subaru.
Interacting with children, even those over ten years older than his own, had suddenly highlighted to Kakashi just how unusual she was. Despite the huge age gap, Subaru still managed to come across as more mature than the twelve year olds. She was more self contained, and even though she was still learning their meanings, she was more careful with her words- she had a better understanding of the sort of impact what she said had.
If she had still been deeply depressed, he could have convinced himself it was her withdrawn quiet nature. But he thought she was on the tail end of that severe depression, and had entered something that wasn't quite healthy yet, but was certainly lighter.
He had once thought that she had so much less life in her to expend than everyone else- she was diminished-, and while he didn't think she was quite up the same standard as other kids yet, she was definitely much improved. And yet, looking at the kids, it was like they could barely contain their energy. They couldn't keep still, they were impulsive, and thoughtless, and self absorbed, and loud. Like puppies, he thought. So glaringly obvious in their naivety.
Subaru kept what energy she had tightly and carefully contained inside her. She was still, and watchful. She watched people like they were just as much potential threats as they were potential allies. He'd often gotten the sense that Subaru didn't say anything to anyone who wasn't him, if she hadn't already made a calculated guess at what the exact impact and consequences of her words would be. Even with Gai, she fell into that habit, albeit in a looser more relaxed way. Even he himself wasn't entirely exempt. She was dismissive of others in a way that wasn't a contrived attempt at looking cool, or even contempt, but a genuine lack of care for the majority of other people she met.
She unapologetically gave people her time based upon what they could do for her, and how interesting she found them. And as she became more energetic and able to interact without tiring herself out, he watched half impressed, as a fantastically convincing mask began to make its appearance in public, of a soft, self possessed, polite, quiet and sweet child, with a tendency for daydreaming.
Above all, though, was that she seemed to know all of these things about herself, and purposely dropped most of the facades around him. That she was capable of being so silent in her pointed honesty toward him, showed an ability far beyond most of the children who became Genin.
The only reason he had noticed so much about her, despite her lack of hiding from him, was that he watched her so closely, analysing her behaviour for signs of regression.
But even then, it had taken for three children to fall across his feet, to realise quite how unlike a child she was.
When he got home that day, more watchful of her than ever, he realised he saw the same watchfulness of him in her eyes. He looked at her, as she looked at him, and he wondered if they both had the same look in their eyes; so incredibly fond, curious, confused with just a touch of wary caution.
It didn't occur to him until that point, that as he had been learning her, she had been learning him- that perhaps she could read the smallest expression in the micro movements of his features and posture the same he could for her.
That perhaps he had come across someone, who for the first time since Minato-Sensei, he would struggle to keep any secrets from at all that they couldn't drag from him with just a look. He didn't know if the thought warmed him, or chilled him.
So Kakashi is definitely aware there's something up with Subaru, and she knows he knows, and he knows she knows he knows. And they both know she's gonna tell him at some point, or he's gonna find out. Which they have both chosen to be pretty chill about, since it's inevitable.
How was Gai's presence as her Godfather, and their budding Godrelationship? What do you guys think of Kakashi's interpretation of Subaru?
In terms of what might be construed as Subaru's proclivities to calculate, deceive or lie even without speaking; hes noted it, but hes not gonna be bothered about that. Specially bcause she didn't exactly show the ability to do anything that actually a heck of a lot of adults do. The fact that she shows trust in him enough not to automatically do that, is what matters to him.